Chapter Text
“I needed you to stay!” Tommy finally snapped at Evan. Somehow their usual night time routine had brought them to an argument, and now they were standing on opposite sides of their bed in their dimly lit room, both in pajamas, yelling at each other.
“I needed to go!” Buck shouted back.
“And you went!” Tommy shot back. “You did what you needed to do. You got what you needed. But what about what I needed?! You weren’t the only one who lost her, Evan! I lost her too! And I-” Tommy looked up at the ceiling as he tried to blink back the tears that threatened to spill. He took a breath and continued in a much calmer tone, but he was certainly still angry. “I knew your grief was different from mine, and because I love you, I pushed mine aside to help you through yours before worrying about my own.” Tommy looked back at his husband. “I held you while you cried, I fed you when you could barely eat, and I held everything together for us so you could fall apart,”
“We held each other,” Buck countered.
“Yes, there were nights that we held each other and we both cried, I don’t deny that.” Tommy admitted. “But there were way more times that I took care of you than times we took care of each other. And when you finally started doing better, I thought great, maybe Evan can hold things together for a little while so I can have a chance to fall apart. But instead you left. You left me here to hold everything together for us both by myself when I needed you.” Tears were now streaming down Tommy’s cheeks. “You went away for months and I was stuck here, with all the pitying looks from our friends and family, all the grief, all the reminders of what we lost, while you got to go pretend nothing was wrong-”
“I did not pretend anything!” Evan argued. “You really think I wasn’t acutely aware of the loss every waking moment? You think I really managed to escape the reality of what happened?!”
“Maybe you didn’t manage to escape the reality of it, Evan, but you sure as hell missed some of the worst parts of it-”
“I missed the worst parts of it?” Buck scoffed. “What? Like the part where I held our daughter in my arms as she died?”
“I didn’t say the worst part. I said some of the worst parts.” Tommy corrected. “Yes you held her while she died and that absolutely was the worst part. But you didn’t have to take apart the nursery. You didn’t have to make the baby box, or visit her grave alone. You didn’t have to return or donate all the baby things. And you never had to watch me break down the way I watched you break down, Evan.”
Buck’s face fell. “Tommy-” He started, his tone softer and sad now, guilt seemingly seeping in.
Tommy shook his head. “You got to do what you needed to do to cope with losing her and I am glad you got that opportunity, but you never once spared a second thought about what that would do to me. And I tried, I’ve tried so hard to be okay with it, to let it go, but I can’t. I really tried but I just can’t let this go, as much as I wanted to be able to. Evan, I can’t keep pretending it’s okay when it’s not.” Tommy grabbed his pillow off the bed and headed for the door.
“Tommy wait-” Buck started.
Tommy turned back to Evan. “No, I’m tired. I’m not arguing about this anymore tonight.” He said and left the room to go to the spare bedroom.
That had been their first real fight since losing their baby girl. What had started as a seemingly healthy pregnancy took a turn for the worse when their little girl was born with vital-organ abnormalities that had been undetected during the pregnancy which could not be fixed or corrected. After her death they’d been grieving, and then Buck went away on a volunteer mission to South America to help train firefighters in wildfire fighting techniques and search & rescue. When Buck returned the couple had been in a sort of bubble- they both knew things were not okay between them, but managed to put on a damn good show of pretending it was. Except now the bubble had burst.
The next several weeks Buck and Tommy walked on eggshells around each other. Tommy did return to their bed, they did hug and touch and kiss but it was more out of habit than it was anything else, and it lacked any real passion or feeling. They talked, but they didn’t really talk. To an outsider, things probably looked normal, but Buck and Tommy both knew they were far from.
Finally one morning Tommy got home from a shift and found Evan at the kitchen table eating breakfast. Tommy stared at an unaware Evan for a moment, before the words passed his lips, crushing him and relieving him all at once. “I think we should get a divorce.”
Buck quickly turned to look at Tommy. “What?” He asked.
“A divorce.” Tommy repeated, the idea somehow simultaneously felt like a relief- a huge weight off his chest- and a death sentence all at once.
Buck set down his coffee mug and stood in front of Tommy. He took Tommy’s hands in his own. “Look, Tommy, I- I know we’re going through a- a rough patch right now, but it’s just that, a rough patch. It- things can get better, things will get better, we just have to- to put in the work. We have to fight for it,”
Tommy gave Evan a small, sad smile and squeezed Evan’s hands gently, his own wedding ring pressing against his fingers, his thumb over Evan’s ring. “I just don’t know that there’s anything left worth fighting for.”
Tears started welling in Buck’s eyes. “Tommy, please,”
“We both know nothing’s been the same since losing Cassandra.” Tommy pointed out in a soft tone. “I still love you, Evan, I never stopped, but I think it’s time we let each other go.”
Buck looked at Tommy as tears started falling. As much as he wanted to argue and fight and convince Tommy he was wrong, Buck knew deep down that Tommy was right. He pulled Tommy in for a kiss anyway, and Tommy willingly complied, making for what was possibly their most passionate kiss since losing their daughter.
Over the next several months as they proceeded with the divorce, Buck and Tommy had more highs and lows- falling into both arguments and bed with one another, usually at different times but not always. Their friends and family were all sad to hear the news of them divorcing, but knowing what they’d been through, no one could blame them. They also faced the one-year anniversary of their daughter’s death, during which they visited her grave together and held each other as they cried.
Tommy offered to let Evan keep the house in the divorce as a result of his guilt for being the one to ask for it, but Buck refused, insisting it’d been Tommy’s long before it was his, and he didn’t feel right taking it.
Almost two months before the divorce was finalized, Buck moved out of their house into an apartment. Him and Tommy fought while packing, only to generously make up with one another while moving the boxes into Buck’s new apartment, and then fight again in the morning- an almost perfect recreation of their hook up following their first break up.
The morning the divorce would be finalized, Buck woke up feeling nauseous. He pushed through it, and got ready for the day anyway. Despite the strong urge to stay in bed and cry all day he had to do this, he had to go, sign the papers, and let Tommy go.
Buck showered and got dressed, then went into his still half-unpacked kitchen with the intention of making coffee but as soon as he opened the bag of coffee he decided against it as the smell made his stomach turn. He instead opted for a quick glass of orange juice and two pieces of buttered toast before leaving for the lawyer’s office.
“Last one, just sign here.” The lawyer instructed Buck.
Buck took a shaky breath and signed the final signature, then Tommy did the same.
“That’s it gentlemen. It’s official.” The lawyer announced. “I have to say, of all the divorce cases I’ve worked, this was one of the most amicable.”
Buck could feel himself getting too warm and his mouth filling with saliva telling him he was about to puke. “Thank you.” He told the lawyers and quickly got up, as Tommy did the same but without Buck’s urgency. Buck quickly left the room in search of a bathroom, but not before catching a glimpse of the hurt look on Tommy’s face.
Buck just narrowly made it to the bathroom in time to throw up in the toilet while his mind provided him with unwelcome memories of the fact that the last time he threw up was when he was pregnant. Normally he had guts of steel until he’d gotten pregnant and that went out the window. Apparently getting a divorce was the other thing his stomach couldn’t handle.
---
“And then he just fucking left,” Tommy was slurring his speech already. He was several drinks in at the bar with Sal and Lucy- he’d been trying to process the day as best he could, and when that didn’t work out, he decided to get drunk instead. “Just got up and ran from the room like it’d kill him to stay a moment longer.”
“I’m sorry Tommy.” Lucy said sympathetically.
“And the worst part,” Tommy chuckled. “You wanna know the worst part?” He looked between his friends. “The worst part- at least I think the worst part- is what the lawyers said at the end,”
“What’d the lawyers say?” Sal asked, even if he knew he’d probably hear this all again later, because the chances of Tommy remembering this were getting slimmer by the minute.
Tommy took a long swig of his beer before answering. “They said- they really said this- they said it was one of the most amicable divorces they’d ever seen.” Tommy shook his head. “They shoulda been there for the fight we had packing up Evan’s stuff- that was- that was a bad one. Almost as bad as the fight we had the next morning.”
“They should’ve kept that to themselves.” Sal told Tommy, even if he figured the lawyers meant it as a platitude and nothing malicious.
Tommy took another long swig of his beer, finishing it off, then signalled to their waiter for another. “They weren’t fucking there. They weren’t there for the fights, or the silence, they weren’t there when Evan left for South America and I put my fist through the drywall taking down the nursery, they weren’t there when I patched up the drywall before Evan got home either, they weren’t fucking there when we watched our baby die in our arms, and they won’t be there when I go home tonight to an empty house that doesn’t feel like home anymore but I can’t leave because it’s one of the only places I can still feel close to Cassie. Amicable.” Tommy scoffed and shook his head.
Lucy just gave a small hum and nod, unsure what to say in response to that.
“I think the worst thing is that even though the divorce is finalized and Evan moved out two months ago, I’m still gonna miss him when I get home. Still wonder what he’s doing right now, if he’s okay, who he’s drinking with? Probably May, I bet it’s May. She always has good wine, I feel like Evan’s probably in a wine mood tonight. Or maybe tequila with Hen. But I think it’s May.”
“You were together for a long time, you went through a lot together. Just because you got divorced doesn’t mean you don’t care anymore.” Sal pointed out.
“I feel like I need something new to focus on. Something to- to fill the empty space he left behind. Keep my mind off him.” Tommy decided.
“That’s not the worst idea.” Lucy said encouragingly.
“New hobby for a new chapter of my life. Something I never did with Evan.” Tommy decided. “Maybe I should get a boat- who am I kidding I hate boats. Maybe I could get my own helicopter. That’d be fun.”
“Helicopters are insanely expensive, you know,” Sal sipped his beer.
“And I’m pretty sure that’s something you did with Evan. A lot.” Lucy reminded Tommy.
“Right, okay no helicopter.” Tommy frowned.
“You don’t have to figure it all out tonight, Tommy.” Sal reminded him. “It’s the first night, your divorce hasn’t even been finalized for twenty four hours. You got time.”
“You’re right. You’re right. Tonight, I’m just gonna drink, and be drunk, and then tomorrow I can hate myself for how hungover I am.” Tommy decided.
“Good plan.” Lucy chuckled.
---
Buck spent the next several hours after leaving the lawyers office in a daze until he eventually found himself at May’s. They’d gotten a lot closer after Bobby’s death, and at May’s apartment, Buck didn’t have to worry about scaring his niece and nephew with his behavior like he would if he went Maddie’s, while still being in the company of someone he considered a sibling.
Buck was sitting on the floor leaning against May’s couch when she came back into the living room with two glasses of wine. “Do you wanna talk about it?” She asked as she set a glass of wine down in front of Buck on the coffee table and sat on the couch next to where Buck was on the floor.
Buck stared at the glass of red in silence, until he finally allowed himself to consider a thought that had been on his mind all day that he’d been trying to ignore. “I think I might be pregnant.”
May’s mouth fell open in shock. “What?”
Buck shrugged, still staring straight ahead at the glass of wine he probably wouldn’t be drinking. “Just a funny feeling. Threw up earlier for the first time since I was pregnant with Cassie.”
May took a generous sip of her wine before asking, “Is that even possible? I mean could you really be…?”
“Never went back on birth control. It’s- it’s definitely possible.” Buck admitted.
“Can I ask who?” May wondered.
“Tommy. Who else would it be?” Buck finally looked at May.
“Literally anyone?” May said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You and Tommy have been in the process of getting divorced, I didn’t realize you were still…”
Buck chuckled a little. “Honestly, we hadn’t been until after Tommy asked for the divorce. Not since before everything.”
“Wow,” May muttered and took another long swig of her wine. “You moved out like two months ago, does that timing match up with anything?” She asked, doing her best to keep calm and be the voice of reason.
Buck thought back to moving day and nodded. “I mean me moving out wasn’t necessarily exactly when, it could’ve been some other time, but it is possible.”
“Okay, wait here.” May said and disappeared into the bathroom for a moment before she came back and dropped a pregnancy test into Buck’s lap.
Buck scoffed and looked up at May. “Why do you get to judge me for a possible unplanned pregnancy when you’re the one just keeping pregnancy tests laying around? Why do you have this?”
“Because I’m a woman of child-bearing age?” May pointed out. “Because I have friends who might need one- or a brother apparently.”
Buck looked at the pregnancy test in his lap.
“I made sure to check that it isn’t expired.” May added.
“I can’t believe this is happening.” Buck muttered.
“I mean you don’t really know until you take the test. You could be spiraling over nothing.” May offered, trying to reassure Buck as best she could.
Buck took a deep breath. “You’re right.” He stood. “Wish me luck.”
May refrained from making a joke about Buck needing good luck to piss on a stick. “Good luck.” She said instead.
Buck went into the bathroom and took the test, washed his hands, set a timer, then sat on the edge of the tub as he waited for the results. While he waited he couldn’t help but think back to the last time he’d done this.
Last time Tommy had been there with him and when they got that positive result they’d been so excited- it’d taken a couple months of trying. Once they got the positive, Buck scheduled blood tests to confirm, and the blood test results came in while Tommy was stuck working a double shift. That had given Buck enough time to order a diaper shirt online which he wrapped and presented to Tommy when he’d returned from his shift. A soft blue diaper shirt with the words ’I’m as lucky as can be because the world’s best dads belong to me’. That shirt was now neatly folded and tucked away in the baby box which was still at Tommy’s house because Buck didn’t have a great place to put it at the apartment.
The timer on Buck’s phone went off and he looked at the test. Two dark pink lines. “Shit.” He muttered. After a minute or several he managed to pick up the test and return to the living room where May was waiting.
“Well?” She asked.
Buck held up the test, showing May the result.
“What do you wanna do?” She wondered.
Buck shook his head as tears began to sting his eyes. “I have no idea.”
May quickly stood and pulled Buck into a hug, knowing there was little- if anything- she could say right now that would be of any help to Buck.