Chapter 1: “Remember those days. All those years ago?”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I stopped when I saw the grey figure in front of the doorway. “Wait inside.” I barked at the team as I shut the door behind me. I turned and aimed my blaster at O'Donnell's skull without another word. I narrowed my eyes not in the mood for this.
“Woah woah Pup calm down. I have no weapons on me.” I looked him up and down scanning: his hips for his blaster, his shoes for hiding a dagger or two, maybe a weapon hidden under his suit? He’s not carrying anything.
“I’ll strip down right here if you don’t believe me.” O’Donnell barked impatiently. Tapping his foot making the snow crunch.
“Why are you here?” I felt my finger clutching the trigger about to fire.
“So… My teammates sort of expelled me from my role.” O’Donnel scoffed. He swiped the blaster away. “Apparently I’ve been too soft lately.” He mumbled resting against the wall, followed by a saddened look. If this was some sort of trick he must have gotten better at acting. I sighed and massaged my forehead.
“You need to sleep here, is what you’re implying?” I crossed my arms still holding my blaster just in case. O’Donnel mumbled something I couldn’t hear quietly. “Yeah I do. You’re my only chance at not sleeping on the floor somewhere.”
“Alright…” His ears perked up when I agreed, and began to move towards the door. “Wait.” I commanded. “I need to speak with my team first. Wait out here.”
I opened the door and closed it behind me. I clutched the bridge of my nose bracing for everyone's reactions.
“I can take him.” Falco cracked his knuckles. “Falco you really shouldn’t” Flippy whispered. Krystal bit her lip making eye contact waiting for me to pipe up.
“Alright so Wolf needs somewhere to stay.” I held up my hand when Falco’s beak opened. “He’s been kicked out of his team… allegedly. I didn’t spot any weapons.”
“We all know how bad of an actor he is.” Krystal added. Falco grumbled in agreement.
“I’ll have him stay in my room so I can keep an eye on him.” I added, I heard Flippy let out the breath he was holding. “Any objections?”
“Did you pat him down?” Falco crossed his arms. I sighed I really was not in the mood to take O’Donnell up on his offer earlier. “Yeah I’ll do that once he’s inside.” The longer he was out there the more danger all 5 of us were in. The police force would not miss one of the most wanted criminals in this sector of the galaxy. I opened the door and gestured for Wolf to step in. I heard Falco snicker as he did.
“He doesn’t look very mighty with wet fur.” Falco fell to the ground laughing. Flippy hid behind Krystal afraid of the 6 foot canine.
“Come on Wolf, let's get your sleeping quarters set up.” Wolf obliged my command. I closed the door behind us and braced myself. “Falco asked me to pat you down. Stay still alright. No you don’t need to strip down.” I added when I saw O’Donnell's hand move.
“I was joking earlier.” He said as he began holding his arms out. I gently pat against any easy places to hide weapons then went through again more carefully. I checked his pockets as well just to be safe.
“You didn’t check my pelvic region at all Fox.” I felt my face blush slightly.
“What you want me to touch you there?” I gritted my teeth.
“Not right now.” Wolf averted his eyes. “Just pointing out I could be hiding something there and you wouldn’t know.”
I shook my head, completely thrown off by his attitude.
“I’ll see if I can find clothes that fit you. You should take a warm bath after being out in the snow like that.” I didn't want to bother with questioning why THE Wolf O'Donnell was being friendly.
“I can just wear what I’m currently wearing.” I raised an eyebrow looking over the mess of an outfit he had. I clicked my tongue in a disapproving manner as I turned back to the closet. I rummaged through my dresser until I dug out my larger pajama pants.
“I only have pants that will fit you. I’ll throw the stuff that can be washed into the washing machine for you.”
Wolf nodded and took the clothes I offered him. I followed O’Donnel out of my room and showed him where the bathroom was and he shut the door behind him. I could hear him undressing followed by water hitting the bathtub. I stood there for a second. The image of O’Donnell nude behind the door stepping into the bath appeared in my mind. Him washing his fur. Laying down in the bathtub enjoying the temperature. I rubbed my warming face and speed walked into the living room.
“I don’t trust him.” Falco addressed me as I came in. I bit into my cold toast and eggs without having a response. “Where’s Flippy?”
“He went to his room.” Falco snickered.
“You think we could move the couch into your room for Wolf to sleep on?” Krystal asked me, having already finished her meal. She appeared concerned.
“Maybe…” I thought for a second about how that would work. “The bed is big enough. We can share it. Much easier to notice him trying to sneak off in the middle of the night that way.” I leaned back into the couch.
“I can take him in a fist fight if he tries anything.”
“No you couldn’t,” Krystal stated for me.
“Come on if I can beat Fox then I can beat that criminal.”
“I was sick that day. I also pulled a muscle.” I corrected Falco.
“That was back when we were teens.” Falco rolled his eyes. “I could easily now. Come on, let's go! Right now!” Falco hopped up and got into a fighting position. Hopping back and forth with energy.
“I’ll take you up on that offer.” O’Donnel stretched still somewhat wet from his bath. It felt weird seeing him wearing my own pants. Looks like he’s been working out more. “You know what nevermind.” Falco swiftly exited. Krystal covered her laughter with a paw. Falco rarely gets scared like that.
“I’ll let you two boys talk.” Krystal whispered into my ear. “Are you sure about sharing a bed? You're putting yourself in harm's way.” She looked at him from the corner of her eye.
“I'll be fine.” I said at normal volume. Krystal took another look at Wolf and left for her room. We’ve shared a bed before, it's not a big deal I could have said. Not the best time to reveal what me and O’Donnel were.
“Let me throw your stuff into the wash, head to my bedroom for now.” I could see Wolf wander around my room inspecting all the things around the space. I glanced over occasionally as I handled the washing. He seemed intrigued by my father's things. I finally started the washing machine and closed the door.
“You have so many awards from your father. What about yours? I remember you won many awards in the academy.” O’Donnel asked me as I walked in. I'm surprised he even recalls our time in the academy. I shut the door behind us for privacy.
“I don't like to display them.” I lied, I never kept anything I won. I don't want to show off my achievements. “How long will you be crashing here?” I asked to change the subject.
“Until I can figure out what the fuck to do about my living situation.” He whimpered, holding his head. He laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. “I think I have gone soft.” Wolf sighed.
“Maybe a little.” I smirked at seeing him laying so casually on my bed. O’Donnel growled playfully and looked toward the window. I wouldn’t say we're on bad terms anymore. It’s hard to act friendly during work. I’m focused on getting the job done, not acting nice.
“So are we going to be sharing a bed?” I nodded. “Heh just like when he had to that one night in the dorms.” Why is he still on that? The last thing I want to think about are those days.
“You won’t be able to sneak off easily. I’m a light sleeper.” I partially lied. If Wolf was careful enough he could sneak away without me ever noticing.
“Hm…” Wolf looked to the side and rested his head on his hand. I looked him out of the corner of my eye as I finished hanging the rest of my shirts. I heard the sound of the bed letting up partially as I heard him speak. “You left the blaster in the mainroom.” A paw gently slid up my back causing me to tense. He removed his hand when he saw how my body reacted.
“Not sure what came over me.” His voice retreated followed by the squeaking of springs. I turned and saw him holding his hands to his chest.
“Remember our very first fight…” I spoke quietly, O’Donnel nodded. I sat down next to him and crossed my arms. “I remember vividly it was during graduation. We both met each other in the bathrooms as the crowd was too loud for both of us.”
“I was jealous your father actually showed up.” Wolf interrupted me, surprising me. He put up a hand to shush me. “My mother didn't bother to come. I had a single B in one of my undergrad classes. That was reason enough for her to not show up.” O’Donnel rubbed his eyes.
“My dad…” I sniffled on the verge of tears myself. I hated recalling him. “He never liked you. He never liked us being friends. He never liked us…” Wolf gently turned my head towards him. “I never got over you.”
I leaned into his touch but then I pulled away. What the hell am I doing? Wolf reached out but pulled his hand back. Holding his broken heart. I clutched my own. Without another word we both laid down on opposite ends of the bed. I laid there for about an hour thinking of all the things that could have happened differently before falling asleep.
Notes:
I struggled keeping Fox’s voice consistent as I don’t typically write more concise and to the point characters like him. He’s still not super consistent by any means. None of my own original characters are close to Fox. Shadow(in earlier drafts of “a light for shadow”) was significantly easier as he's similar to an OC of mine. I can’t provide much more reflection without spoilers.
Chapter Text
I heard something being dragged across the floor and turned to see what the noise was about. I saw Wolf dragging some package into the dorm room. “Turn around, this isn’t important.” I remember nodding and smirking. I went back to writing my paper on 21st century technology. It was interesting so many of the early civilizations had similar ideas for how spaceships would eventually look.
“What are you writing?” Wolf gently wrapped his arms around me. I don’t believe we were dating officially at this point. We were just close friends who lived in the same dorm. It was our second year. I believe we both agreed to request a shared dorm.
“My essay on 21st century technology. For the engineering class I’m taking this semester.” I leaned back and looked up at Wolf. He looked down at me and he hadn't lost his left eye yet. It was at that moment he took my first kiss. More accurately I gave him mine. I felt like I was flying. I felt safe. It felt like the right amount of quiet.
“Wow.” Wolf exclaimed after we both pulled away. He put a paw to his mouth, shocked by what just happened. “Didn’t know you were such a good kisser.” Wolf smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. I remember thinking about that kiss the whole day during classes I could barely focus. I called my father that evening while Wolf was in the other room doing an assignment.
“Fox? Everything ok? This is sudden.” His soft spoken voice came through the line.
“I think I might like men.” I remember I then looked out the open door at Wolf working. It made me smile the way he looked when focused. He slouched slightly and gritted his teeth. “Father?” I asked with a bit of panic as he had been silent for a couple of minutes. I heard him sigh in an irritated way.
“No son of mine should like men.” I felt my face go pale.
“But father…”
“NO! Child you are forbidden from ever bringing a man home. I will not have a son who will do such things.” He barked into the phone and I felt like I was about to tear up. I got up and began to pace around the room. Each step I felt lighter and lighter.
“Father, I love HIM though!” I heard a sharp inhale and braced for the shouting. The ground opened up beneath me causing me to fall. Everything around me pulsed like a heart. His screaming filled my ears. A distant voice called my name. The pulsing and screaming got louder and louder. Suddenly I jolted awake with a gasp.
“Hey. hey. It’s ok. It's ok.” Wolf reassured me. I looked over at him with tears welling in my eyes. Wolf said something that I didn’t hear. My heartbeat still filled my ears. I then realized Wolf was holding me and I pushed him away. I got up from the bed hugging myself still hyper ventilating.
“Fox, wait.” I shut the door behind me. I walked into the living room and opened the blinds slightly to let the moonlight in. I clutched my chest and took breaths in and out until the world stopped shaking around me. The kitchen counter steadied me as my breathing slowed down.
“You good?” I jumped with a sharp inhale. I let it out once I saw it was just Falco. I didn’t say anything and walked to the fridge to pour myself a glass of milk. I sat down next to Falco silently. “Night terrors as well?” I nodded. We sat there in silence for a while not exchanging any words. My relationship with Falco is an odd one. We’re not exactly friends but we still confide in each other in moments like this. When it’s just the two of us Falco never acts cocky either. He’s calm and wise.
“I had another nightmare about my dad.” I whispered, clutching my half empty glass.
“Want to talk about it?” He asked quietly. I shook my head no. “Want to hear about mine.” I nodded, giving him my full attention. “I had that one recurring nightmare I’ve told you about before. I’m sleeping in my childhood bed peacefully and then the ground opens beneath me. I fall through a black abyss and my parent’s voices speak to me.” Falco paused and he tensed. “Their voices sounded different this time. I think… I’m forgetting what they sound like.”
“If it makes you feel any better.” I swallowed. “I can’t remember what my mother’s voice sounded like.” I clutched my now empty glass. I set it down and leaned back into the couch.
“Do you miss your mother?”
I looked at Falco with a raised eyebrow. “Of course I do.” I paused and clutched my chest. “I don't as much as I probably should.” I’ve never admitted that to anyone before.
“Wolf giving you any trouble?” Falco’s voice sounded strained. Oh boy is he. He’s just as touchy as I remember. He still loves me. I care about him still and that makes it worse. I don’t know if I love him or hate him.
“Not really. He’s surprisingly calm. Less violent than our college days.”
“Woah woah woah.” Shit I did not mean to say that last part. “You two went to college together?” I held my breath.
“Yes.”
“Did you share a dorm?”
I paused. “No.”
“You paused.”
“I’m going back to bed.” I grabbed my glass from the center table and washed it in the sink, despite Falco’s protests. I walked back to my room quickly and shut the door. Wolf sat there silently in the darkness looking at me with a single glowing eye.
“Don’t give me that look.” I glared and his ears dropped.
“I can leave.” He said quietly and got up. I blocked the door with my body. “Let me through.” He growled. I shook my head. “You don’t want me here.” I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down to be eye level with me.
“Wolf…” I let go of him and crossed my arms going over what to say in my head. “I do want you here. I… I’m sorry for those things I said that day. I shouldn’t have insulted your father like that. That was my own father speaking through me.” I put a paw on my chest swallowing the tears and saliva building up. Wolf wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
“I don’t care about all of that.” Wolf’s breath slid down my back. “I want to know why you’ve been so distant.” Wolf looked me in the eyes. “Please…”
I looked between his single eye and where the other was covered. I gently touched the eyepatch and frowned. “I don’t think I can fit in your life anymore.” I moved my paw to his cheek.
“Because I'm a criminal…” He read my mind.
“Your only crime is stealing my heart.” I said quietly into his ear.
“Fox… I want to be a part of your life. I want it so bad.” He gently held my face in his hands. I could feel his breath against me.
“This would never work permanently.” I felt like crying. I also wanted him in my life. I want to wake up next to him. I want to give him all my kisses. I want to give him my body. I want to trust myself in him.
“I know.” Wolf said quietly. He wiped a tear gently out of my eye. “To tell you the truth Fox…” Wolf wrapped his arms around the back of my torso. “I know how I'm going to repair my life already. I just wanted to share a room with you one final time.” I felt my eyes tear up at the confession. I didn't care that he lied to me. I grabbed his face and kissed him. I pulled away when I couldn't breathe anymore. I kissed him again right away. I kissed anywhere I could on his head. Making up for lost time. Making up for all the times I’ve hurt him. I told him my truth. He told me his lies. It was just us tonight. Nobody but us in this room. I pinned him to the bed wrapping my legs with his.
“Fox.” Wolf said quietly, putting a paw over my mouth. “Stop.” I obliged. I was now sitting in his lap as he held me. He gently held my face with one hand. He was made of fire. I want him to burn me. I don't care. “Fox…” Wolf let go. My head got cold. “I should go. I’ve…” A lonely tear rolled down his face. “I’ve been here long enough.” Wolf looked at me and cupped my head again. “Thank you for letting me stay.” He kissed me gently. Our faces fit together. Our bodies fit like two lost puzzle pieces.
“Don’t go.” I said quietly when we disconnected.
“You know I can’t stay and you can’t come with me.” I nodded sobbing. Wolf hugged me tightly.
Can this last forever.
Please?
Notes:
This was hard to write. This chapter is very personal for me. Yes there’s the possibility that these two could get together but it would lessen the impact of the story. These two want to be together but can’t. External circumstances and the pain of their past is too strong. Yes maybe they could but I don’t want that. Not all relationships CAN work even if they SHOULD in theory. I’ll be fully honest I wanted Fox to run away with Wolf so so badly. That’s just a fantasy and would be selfish. At least in my eyes I don’t think it’s realistic. As nice of a fantasy that would be and how badly I would love to do that, it’s simply not feasible.
Sorry about the poor grammar in these notes. I can’t be bothered to fix it.
Chapter Text
“Come in.” Krystal’s voice answered my knock. I slowly opened the door, “what is it?” She rubbed her eyes before turning. “It’s midnight.” I sat down on her bed and held my hands together in my lap.
“I’ve told you me and Wolf went to the same college right?” She nodded. “We actually shared a dorm.” I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. I took a deep breath. “We dated as well.”
“That’s why you were so open to staying in the same room.” The pieces connected in her head. She didn’t say anything else and let me keep talking.
“We broke up on the day of graduation. I said some things…” My muscles tensed. “He said some things. We went our separate ways.” I held my face in my hands trying not to cry. “I still want to be with him. So fucking bad. So much it hurts. We simply can’t make it work now.” I began to cry uncontrollably. I couldn’t hold it together anymore.
I’ve spent years holding this team together.
Years taking care of my dad before he passed.
Years missing Wolf.
Not enough time when we shared a room again.
Krystal didn’t say anything for a moment. I could see the gears turning in her head. Trying out different combinations of words. “Sometimes… When you love someone like that…” Her eyes fogged over for a moment. “You need to let them go.” Her shoulders tensed as she finished her sentence. I looked back down at my shaking hands. I heard the front door close quietly.
—
The door clicked slowly. I stood there with my hand glued to the doorknob. I was still wearing Fox’s pants and never grabbed the clothes I came here with. He found me a warm shirt and jacket before I left. I managed to unstick my hand from the door and reach into my pocket. I planned to steal a starship and go to a certain planet. Any criminal can go there and start over that was the appeal. I wiped a tear from my face.
It’s fine.
I’m fine.
My legs walked on their own.
Away from Fox.
Away from my old life.
Away from anything.
Away from anyone familiar.
I held back the colors in my mind.
I held my legs back from turning around.
I held my arms back from grabbing Fox and taking him with me.
I held my blaster to show I am a threat.
I did not answer the cries of the innocent person I shot to steal the ship.
I did not answer the calls from my team asking where I was.
I did not answer law enforcement.
I did not answer my brain screaming about the blood of my hands.
I stood there on the surface. Taking in the peaceful violet multi-colored sky.
I stood there as someone greeted me.
I stood there handing over my fake alias.
I stood there for a moment before entering the town.
I walked into many faces.
I walked into many places.
I walked all around.
I walked until I found something that brought me joy.
I smiled when I met them.
I smiled in their company.
I smiled when they kissed me.
I smiled as we built our life together.
I frowned when I thought of him.
I frowned, I was happy and he was not.
I frowned he’s in everything.
I frowned when they broke up with me.
“It was like you were kissing someone else.” They told me.
“Could we still stay friends?” They asked.
“I still care about you.” Their voice got quiet.
‘I don’t think we’re right for each other.” They concluded and left.
I held back the colors in my mind
I held my legs back from chasing after them.
I held my arms back from ripping my heart out.
I held the colors back once more but failed.
I couldn’t stop them from staining the ground.
I couldn’t stop from collapsing.
I couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t stop wishing I did SOMETHING different.
Notes:
The ending is sad. Breakups are like that. Breakups are hard to describe. So many emotions flood your mind all at once. Then the same emotions dry up leaving a lack of anything. I’ve never found writing something this fulfilling before. Maybe it’s because this is based on an experience I’ve never had until recently. I still feel numb. I still regret the things I said to them. Maybe this is the first step to move on. I’m not sure.
Update 11/22/2025: This whole fanfic is deeply personal and comes from a sensitive place inside of me. Hell I still am grappling with the feelings of breaking up with who I now call my ex. We're "friends" now but they're acting as if we never broke up. They act so immature I've realized and I hate it. I hate disliking aspects about them, I know there's nothing inherently wrong with that. I feel as if they don't understand how much it fucking hurt for them to say "I don't think we're right for each other anymore." Are they really being that manipulative? It looks so easy to notice red flags and to pay attention to them in your friends but... it's way too easy to dismiss a red flag as "they're just like that sometimes." Fuck I want to scream. Can it go back to how it used to be?I wrote this because…
I want to help other people feel seen.
I want at least someone else to feel less alone.
I want to pay forward what other writers have done for me.
I want to improve this planet that we live on.
I’ll give pieces of myself even if it hurts. I’ll keep giving until I drop dead. I don’t care if that’s unhealthy. I will do something differently.