Chapter Text
This is for everyone who wanted Wei Ying with someone else. It's not Wanxian. This will contain some criticism towards Lan Zhan (I love you but Wei Ying will always be my bias). So if you don't like it please don't read it(I'm too sleep deprived to answer to comments about it). I hope my writing improved even a little in this short time. This work will have around 18 chapters. Enjoy!
"If not because of you,would he have done that to himself for no reason? [...]I worry he will never tell you himself. Nor will you ask him too. Very well. Allow me to tell you."
I was standing here numbly while listening to everything that Lan Xichen was saying to me. And I need to say that I'm confused. I couldn't understand my current situation at all. We were in the middle of confronting Jin Guangyao about everything that happened in the past, about what he did...but somehow it turned into a trial against me. This is ridiculous. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Just last night I thought that me and Lan Zhan were finally on the same page,that after everything I went through...after everything that happened between us...I thought I could be for once in my life happy....but today I feel like I couldn't be more wrong. Every word that his brother spoke was tearing what reminded of my heart apart. Lan Zhan was hurt because of me? He was the one that took me back from Nightless City? And he said...he said because of me...not for me. He blames me for Lan Zhan's whip marks?
"Wei-gongzi! How many cultivators waged war against you at Nightless City? Three thousand!"
I do remember that. All of them were there to pledge to kill me. They broke the agreement they sent to us...they did that the very same day, that Wen Qing died. I always thought that somehow I wandered off...but now I know that it was Lan Zhan that took me back.
"After killing to your heart's content,you were completely spent."
What? Just what is he saying? Just a moment ago he acknowledged that it was them that waged a war against me, meaning that they had started it. And yet now? He accuses me of killing them? What was I supposed to do that day? Let them kill me? I never wanted this to happen! Why am I being blamed for this?! Why can't they find another victim to blame! Why is it always me?!
"Wangji was hardly in a better state, having been wounded during your bout of madness"
Madness? So now you're acknowledging that I wasn't in my right mind at that time? He's standing here and blaming me for Lan Zhan's wounds too? I may not remember correctly but didn't Lan Zhan fight against me there? Didn't he try to stop me there? And then Jiang Yanli died ...how was I supposed to know that he was my ally when all the time he acted like my enemy?!
"After two days,we finally found signs of your passage within the boundaries of Yiling [...] By the time we arrived,you were sitting on a rock staring into nothingness [...] But the entire time,you only repeated the same two words to him:Get lost"
That was because I wasn't aware of anything at that point! I wasn't even speaking to him! And how can you read your brother who never shows any emotions so well,yet you can't do the same to me?! It was obvious that I wasn't really there! You said so yourself ! How can you act like I hurt him on purpose?!
"When he whisked you away and hid you inside that cave, the way he spoke to you, the way he looked at you…even if you were blind or deaf, it would have been impossible not to understand his feelings. That is why Uncle was beyond outraged. Wangji has been the Lan disciples’ role model ever since he was young, and later, a distinguished cultivator in the cultivation world. He has been proper and righteous his whole life, untouched by the corruption of the secular world. The only mistake he has ever made in his life is you! Yet you say…you say you didn’t know "
With those words I felt what was left of my heart shatter completely.Why? Just why is everything always my fault? I love Lan Zhan...I really do...I will always love my zhiji. Because what else could you call my feelings for him if not love? From the moment we met...the fascination...curiosity...worry... protectiveness I felt. All of this was love. I only came to terms with what I was feeling all this time last night. I'm in love with Lan Zhan...but now? How can I be with him? If there was one thing I ever wanted in my life was a home. A place where I belong. Without any debts. A loving partner and maybe a child. We would travel through the world on our donkey helping people around us...and now this dream is torn right in front of me. I will never be with Lan Zhan. Not in a way that I want to. Can someone please tell me how my life went from me being brought back to life and uncovering that I was used in a political game, to me, becoming a monster who refuses to be grateful for the love of a peerless cultivator?
It's not my fault that the only time he truly told me his thoughts was when I wasn't even aware of my own name! And the worst thing? The worst thing is that I will always be blamed for this. He acts like I should grovel on my feet and thank Lan Zhan for having some affection for me! I can't even call it love since he never confessed it! Will it always be like that? If I decide to once again swallow my pride and stay in a place that despises my existence just like Madam Yu did...will I always have people throw this down my throat till I can't breathe? Another debt? They will what? Tolerate me because Lan Zhan wants me there? How can I live like that? Lan Zhan is my equal. I won't accept less. In Cloud Recess I will be treated as a parasite. I won't have anyone on my side. They will tolerate me simply because Lan Zhan wants me there. But what if his affection lessen? What will stop them from throwing me out? What if we argue? Who will stop them from punishing me unjustly? I will be all alone on Lan Zhan's mercy. I have no allies anywhere. I'm surrounded by enemies. I have no money or land to my name and no one will be willing to hire me or pay me fairly.
And my only lifeline? Lan Zhan. And that is something I refuse to accept. If someone asked me this morning if I would be happy with the power Lan Zhan would have over me I would say without a second thought that I trust him with my life. But now? The answer is no. I can't do this anymore. I won't be treated as his pet whose life depends on his owner's wishes. If there was one thing in this world that I deserve... it's love. A marriage like my parents . No status. No wealth. But pure happiness. And that is something that Lan Zhan won't be able to give me. Because he never stood against anyone for me before. Especially his family. And what was it that Lan Xichen said?
"Yet he told me...that he couldn't say whether your actions were right or wrong he was willing to share the burden with you, regardless."
He saw the remnants. He saw A-Yuan. And he still questioned if it was right? He was there. He knew I didn't start it and he still doesn't know if I was right to defend myself? It's true that I lost control and went way too far...but to think that he only wants to 'share' my burden,like protecting the weak and innocents is a burden.... instead of doing the right thing...Is he really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? He had so many chances...and not once did he choose me. How can I be sure that he won't do the same now? I was a stain on Jiang Fengmian's marriage,a stain on the YunmengJiang sect and a stain on the cultivation world. I refuse to be a stain on Lan Zhan's reputation. I refuse to be a mistake!
I...wish that I could turn back time...I wish that I had a chance to fix all my mistakes. If god gave me another chance I would have never given away my core. Let Jiang Wanyin lose his and see if I care! I would have never protected Jiang Yanli's honor. Let her follow a man who doesn't respect her! I would leave the Jiang's and find another road to walk. If I had a chance... I wouldn't let them walk all over me...I would find a way to be happy...just like my parents wanted...
Being consumed by my thoughts I didn't realize at that time that the goddess statue's eyes were glowing and everything around me started disappearing. And when I finally did...it was too late. My surroundings became blurry and everything went dark.
The next time I woke up....I was exhausted. I'm not sure where I am to be honest. i managed to sit up with difficulty. My back hurts. I remember this pain. This is one thing I will never forget. Only Zidian hurts like that. But I wasn't struck by it...I looked around to find out that....I was in my room? This is my room! The one that I had in Lotus Pier...before the sect burned. But how? Is it a dream? No. I wouldn't feel pain if it was a dream or hallucination. I looked down to see my hands...they were my hands! I looked on my side to see my reflection in a mirror. This is my face! My young fifteen year old self! Not Mo Xuanyu!
Somehow... somehow I'm back. I felt the tears streaming down my face but I didn't care. I'm back! I'm not sure why or how but thank you! Whoever you are...just thank you! I can fix everything! I can save myself! I can leave this hell! I can see Lan....no. I don't think I want to see him. My heart hurts but this is for the best. We...would never be happy. Some part of me will always love Lan Zhan. But I will not allow my feelings to blind me to the truth .
It took my death for him to stand by my side....and even then he didn't clearly state his feelings to me. I can't wait that long. His indecision will only hurt me and those that depend on me... because they won't wait for him to decide what's more important before they come to kill me again. I can't stay in Gusu and he won't come with me. I would never make him choose between me and his family but I know that as he is now he won't choose me. He won't even consider it. So it's better to bury this feeling and let it go then to secretly long for someone who won't make up their mind.... someone who...will watch injustice happening to spare his clan's fragile ego.
I... really hoped we...would have a future together...that the night we spend together meant something...but I should have known it was pointless. We...live in two different worlds. And I will never be a part of his. I don't belong there. They will never accept me as I am and I can't change it. I refuse to bury myself to please them. When I think that my heart can't take more pain I'm always surprised that it can. I took advantage of the time I was left alone to cry. I just sat here crying all my sorrows out . I let the tears that I held back in both of my life's out. And for the first time I felt free. I don't have to smile if I'm not happy. I don't have to pretend anymore.
I'm not sure how much time has passed. My tears dried out but I didn't want to move out of my bed. My body is heavy and I feel...empty. What am I supposed to do now? What do I even want to do? My head hurts...maybe I'll start with easier things like When exactly have I arrived? My back hurts but it's nothing new. I'm clearly fifteen that means it's either before Gusu or after I was thrown out. I looked around the room once again to see if I could see something to help me narrow down the timeline. And there I saw it. An empty bottle of the emperor's smile in the corner of my room. That means it's after I was thrown out. My back is still bleeding. I can feel it. It means I was whipped by Madam Yu for being 'the cause' of Jiang Yanli's broken engagement. It's getting darker so it must be after dinner. Madam Yu is probably already on another night hunt if I remember correctly and Jiang Yanli should be in her room crying. I felt bad seeing it last time and not understanding how she could love someone who treats her like trash. But if that's her decision then be it. I will never interfere between them again. Let's see if 'their' love blooms again just like it did before. This time I won't be here to witness it...so where should I start? I want to save the Wens...they really became my family. But I don't want to involve myself with sect politics anymore. I don't care what will happen to them. I think the best revenge would be to live well and see how they struggle to survive without my help. I want to repay the people in Yiling...for not driving us out...for not fearing me as much as the rest of the people. I think many of them would get a Qi divation if they saw us bantering over the price of potatoes.
I don't want to stay here either. I want to leave but where would I go? Even if I save my people what would I do? I'm completely alone...but still I should move. I need to see Jiang Fengmian. The faster I secede the better. I will think about the rest later. Honestly everything is a mess in my mind and I...don't know what to do with myself. Only by focusing on my new goals I feel like I can move instead of letting everything crush me. So I need to think of a way to repay 'my benefactor' for taking me in...even if it only brought me pain. I focused on my body to evaluate if I'm ready to move and gasped. My hand automatically went to my Diantian...where my core once was...where it was now! I forgot this feeling...the warmth...I could feel my connection to Suibian once again too. I cried a little more. I never thought I would feel it again. The steady bond with my sword. My most precious companion...one that I carelessly abandoned before. I will never do it again. Not this time. I promise you Suibian that I will never. Ever. Leave you behind again. I waited a few moments to get myself under control before shakily got up despite my body's protests.
It hurt. It fucking hurt but I preserved. I can do it. I did it once and I can do it again. Once I was sure that I won't fall down on my face I made my way towards my drawer one step at a time and took out some talisman paper. I drew one of my old talismans to make me unnoticed for an hour and poured some of my Qi to activate it. I had to stop myself from reacting. I never imagined that I would be able to do this again! No. Focus! Wei Ying don't lose focus! I don't want others to see me before I meet Jiang Fengmian. They will escort me back to my room and I can't let them do that. I need to leave before Madam Yu returns. She may hate me with all her bitter body but she would never let me go. Not unless I repay them for every single grain of rice that I ate. And in her mind even if I paid for this with my own life it would still be too little for her. She's just like that. She hates me living here but she won't allow me to move out and be happy. She enjoys my pain and the easy access she has to me. Because who else would take Jiang Wanyin's punishments? Who else will be her punching bag? Who else would be an easy scapegoat for all her fury? Someone has to be blamed for her falling marriage because obviously it's not her fault! That's why I need to move. Slowly I started going in the direction of Jiang Fengmian's office. It was hard but I dragged my body there. I'm sure he's not sleeping. He likes to finish his documents first. And I was right. The light was still on.
He must be working again,just like I predicted he would. Although I was a little surprised that there were no other disciples near him...now that I think about it. He never had any with him or near his doors. Shouldn't there be guards around? It does make my way easier but it still a little suspicious. When I was close enough to his door I prepared myself to take the talisman off and knock. To get this over with because I know it will be an exhausting conversation. And with the state of my mind and body? I wanted to get it over with, but before I could do that I heard a voice from the inside that didn't belong to Jiang-Zhongzu.
"Are you sure it's wise to let it continue Fengmian?"
This voice. I know it...think Wei Ying...who was that? I know! It's Advisor Zhenyi! He's the only one who called him by his name other than his...wife. But what are they talking about?
"Continue what,Zhenyi?"
"Letting Madam Yu do whatever she wants to do? You can't keep using that boy as a shield forever."
Just what are they talking about? What shield? What boy? Do they mean...me? I took a step back and started to listen in to their conversation.
"A-Xian can take it."
So...it is me? What does he mean? Wait...does it mean that I'm the shield? But for what?
"Aren't you worried that Wei-gongzi will find out the truth? Having him here risks your position and you damn well know that Fengmian."
This talk doesn't make any sense. But I don't think anything will make sense in my tired mind. What can I take? And why am I a danger to Jiang-Zhongzu's position? I'm even more confused...
"A-Xian doesn't know anything and even if he knows, he won't act against me. I made sure to bound him to the sect tightly. His loyalty is with us."
What? He...is this really the same man who promised me home? I knew he never loved me but to think that...all this time he was only using me?
"That may be true but what about the elders?"
Elders? What do they have anything to do with this? Jiang sect elders aren't involved directly in sect politics. Our elders are nomads. They don't concern themselves with the cultivation world and prefer to travel beyond Jianghu. And the ones that don't are in seclusion away from all the drama. In short they are respected but they don't have a say in how the leader is running his sect. Why are they involved in whatever this is?
"You know very well that they don't know what is happening in our sect. They don't listen to gossip either. The chances of them finding out that A-Xian is here are slim."
Why would it matter? And why don't they know that I'm here? I'm famous in the cultivation world...but as I said...they tend to avoid the news about the happenings in our world...And if I think about it...they never visited the sect since I was living here. So that means that the elders in seclusion don't know what is happening in the sect at all. And the rest isn't even in the Jianghu. It still doesn't explain why they can't know that I'm here...or why they left. Shouldn't they support our sect and help the Zhongzhou when he has difficult time making decisions?
"Fengmian. Madam Yu is going too far. That boy doesn't deserve the abuse she's subjecting him to. And your luck is going to run out at some point. Someone is going to find out. Either the elders or worse. Wei Wuxian himself. You should have given him away to some family. Not bring him here."
I'm officially lost. I have no clue what is happening here anymore. I have more questions than answers!
"A-Cheng needs A-Xian here. A-Li too. And why should I send him away when he can be raised here. With his family. Where he belongs."
What did he just say? He dares to call me..a family... after all I've been through!
"Fengmian. Can you really call that boy family after what happened to his parents? After what Yu Ziyuan did and you helped to cover?"
I felt cold all over my body. What the fuck does it mean?! Does...does it mean...that...my parents death...has something to do with Madam Yu? And that he knew about it? I...don't know what to do but one thing is clear. I need some fucking answers!
"Silence! You're going too far Zhenyi."
"I'm worried about you. The karma for all the sins you carry is going to catch up to you."
"You mean us. You're as guilty as I am in this. Let's forget this talk and return to sect matters shall we?"
"As you wish Fengmian. I just hope that you won't regret your decision when the time comes."
I could feel the talisman getting weaker. Shit. I need to retreat. I'm too weak to make it last longer. Reluctantly I turned my back and slowly returned to my room while using the walls as support. Once I was back in my own bed I could think...or try to. This whole situation is a mess! None of this makes sense and my head hurts! Everything is too much for me! Alright. I need to be calm. I took a few breaths to calm myself down and tried to focus. Let's sort what I found out first.
1. There is more to my parents death than I know. Yu Ziyuan is connected to what happened to them.
2. Jiang Fengmian brought me back because he wanted to turn me into a shield. From Advisor's Zhenyi words he did just that.
3. It looks like the elders aren't informed of my presence here(I still don't know why they should be in the first place)and it has something to do with me being a danger to Jiang Fengmian's position.
I really missed so many signs in my past life. Or refused to see them.I should have looked further. I shouldn't just let them treat me like a dog! Too late for regret. I can change it now. I need to find out what is Jiang-Zhongzu hiding from me. And what is he planning to do with me. I need to stay a little longer. The question is how do I get the information that I need? I can't go to Jiang Fengmian,it would be too risky. That leaves Advisor Zhenyi. It looks like he's my only option since he knows so much and is directly involved in all this mess. I really hate my situation. This is a big mess...and I need to admit that I'm afraid of what I will find. Still I can't leave it be. I need to know...but first I need to sleep. I won't be able to think clearly if I don't. And that's probably why I didn't notice silent eyes that followed me.