Chapter 1: Entry 1#: First Doubts, First Drink
Chapter Text
4:00pm
What we're doing is ..good..right?
Hell is dangerous. We're simply neutralizing a threat. For the good of heaven.
So why am I still haunted by their screams?
I shouldn't be! They’re demons! They deserve what’s coming to them!
But they sound so…
Human
Was I even human?
No. I shouldn't be thinking that. This is what I was meant to do. This is what I need to do.
This is what I'm in heaven for. If I can't do this, why am I here in the first place?
Besides, for our first extermination, we did pretty good. This proves our method works.
At least, that’s what Adam told us.
We should expect this every year, he said
I should get used it this.
...
I'm going to go meet the other exorcists. I barely even got to know my own squadron
I'll write again when I get back
4:30pm
169
That's how many I killed, apparently.
Is that 169 hundred? Thousand? The counter in my mask didn't elaborate.
It felt like more than that, at least
Adam, our commander, had told me that that was a “pretty fuckin’ rad number for your first time”
( he kept laughing afterwards about the number. What's so funny? I don't get it)
Should that make me proud?
It does, anyway.
Shit, is that bad?
I went to brag to my cohort afterwards. We celebrated and compared our numbers. It turns out that we did the best. We got congratulated a lot back there. It felt nice, even if was for murder.
One of the women in my cohort– a girl with darker, ashen skin and pale hair with darker undertones– got about 212 kills. I hear she did the best out of all of us. Although she seemed to also be the most serious (and admittedly, intimidating) of us, she avoided the attention that came with quite admirably.
Impressive. I'd like to know her name.
Wait
Shit
Do we have names?
12:15AM
There was a mandatory party earlier in the night in the lobby of the compound. The invite said we all had to be there if we wanted names. (Well, there's the answer to that question about the names)
Of course I went. I needed a fucking party after all that carnage.
And a shot
Or five
The compound itself is actually really nice. It really does feel angelic. I spent most of my time training alone with my axe in these halls, getting used to it, but I never really took a moment to stop and look around. It's beautiful.
Man though, exorcists really know how to throw a party. As soon as I stepped in the room the whole mood changed. Felt like I was in a club the whole time. they set up a bunch of streamers hanging overhead and changed the gold angelic light running across the walls to an RGB pattern. they even set up a bar! (and fuck yeah, there's alcohol up here! Thank god)
Honestly I don't remember much from earlier. I got really drunk and couldn't make out what Adam was saying when he addressed us(something about kicking hell in it's fiery ass?). I'm still pretty buzzed
What I could make out though was that our commander is, in fact, the first man and descendant of all humans. He also has a giant frat boy energy after hours that I certainly wasn't expecting.
Reminds me of a few frat parties I went to when I was youngerWait,what?
Not important. What matters is that now we all have names now. He actually went around the room to name us.
Mine was..not what I expected.
I had hoped for maybe something more…badass? Or at least I could pick my own? (I've quickly scrapped my ideas. "It's not my place to disrespect my commander with my opinions of what should be better") But mine is surprisingly vulgar. I don't know how I should feel about it right now.
It's not too bad, though. The girl I was talking about earlier, the one with 212 kills, got stuck with a name far worse than mine
Vaggie, I think it was
Should I have said something? She looked pretty uncomfortable.
Although, most of us did. Our lieutenant said that some of us were lucky to get names at all. That we should be grateful
Says the one who already had a name
I still got a chance to talk to Vaggie though. She seemed nice. A little distant, though. Kind of jumpy too.
Pfft.
…
...At least im not the only one
3:57AM
Fuck, I should go to bed. Training starts again tomorrow. It starts in an hour
…If my mind will stop replaying all the screams and shit from earlier
My helmet is still stained with blood.
Chapter 2: Entry series #2 : Lament of the overworked
Summary:
[some of the pages have become crumpled and frequently stained with alcohol. sentances are frequently crossed out or trailing off]
as the proper training and routine starts, this exorcists mentality and morals are being tested and changed as her role becomes more clear
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Damn, exorcists know how to party
Only one other extermination passed, yet we managed to double our kill count. To celebrate, Adam pulled a few strings to get a better venue and bar. Not to mention as well that we managed to snag some booze from hell, too. That shit is so strong
I've made some friends during these parties. Mostly out of my squadron though–they talk too much and just sit at the bar the whole time. boring
But these bitches? Never had a better time. I swear to god we were running that party. This girl named Tequila challenged Adam to a drinking game and fucking won! That was epic
She's my new favourite person
I snuck a bottle to bring back to my room for later. I need some practice if im gonna beat her next year
So
It's the next day.
We have the whole day off to recover this time, and I'm hoping to just spend today relaxing
I guess it's been a while since I picked up this damn book. I haven't had the time or energy recently. But I guess now's a good time to recap
(God, who am I even writing this to?)
We started training. REALLY training.
It’s been…hard, to say the least
It's obviously not like before, with just a few hours a day of training by yourself, but I didn't expect it to be this exhausting
We train 14 hours a day. Every day. Drills and practices that last hours
No fucking breaks
Even if you get hit or bruised, you have to keep going. No exceptions
I come back to my room every day with scratches and bruises and I just fucking sleep
But that's just the physical stuff. The mental training sucks just as much
...
“As exorcists, we have a mission to protect heaven at all costs. That means doing what needs to be done without hesitation, weakness, or mercy. And if you can't do what needs to be done for the good of heaven..
we don't need you”
That's what we hear every day
It's drilled into our heads now.
We were chosen to be fierce warriors, and we need to act like it so our jobs can be easier
Every blow and every punishment we face when we dont..
they’re lessons to do better
But they're lessons we have to learn if we're going to do this. I can't show weakness here
...But my cheek still burns from a few days ago
..even in my own division though...
It's hard sometimes..to see them get hurt. Im not close to any of them, but I can still see some of them flinch when someone else gets hit
So god, do I need this break
I just need to sleep for 12 hours or so and then drink some more
…Maybe i'll invite some of my friends over from that party
[a week later]
I still can't understand why some small part of me feels bad for them
The demons, I mean
I had my doubts in the beginning, sure, but that was before I really got my head around the why
Because they’re in hell for a reason
A disgusting, awful reason
They deserve to be down there. Killing them is doing them a favor
So why does some small corner of my mind…What, pity them? Sympathise with them?
Fuck, even empathize with them?......
Feel like maybe I should be down there too?
It must be pity, really.
Some days were shown what hell is like on a normal day through a projector, to show us the true nature of the realm. They're horrible to each other. The stealing, the violence, how they take advantage of each other for their own benefit…
Some of it felt all too familiar. Personal, even. I had to look away when one grabbed another to..
God, it makes me angry.
.
How can people just be this terrible? Do they even realize, truly realize, that what they're doing is hurting others? Do they even feel bad anymore?
Or are they just trying to survive in a realm truly worse than death?
..but they're not human. Not anymore
They trick you into thinking they're worth something with those pathetic eyes just so their partner can sock you from behind. They beg for their lives when you corner them and pull out a knife from behind when you lower your guard. They are nothing but scheming pieces of shit
But the tears in their eyes…those can't really be fake. Those aren't schemes, are they?
But no
I hate them, I really do
So it must be pity
Or else I'm imagining that the blood on my hands could've been my own if I wasn't here instead
Notes:
So I'll try to update or add more chapters every week or so, usually sundays, so the content may change slightly to better fit my vision or continuity better
but I hope you're enjoying so far :)
I know the tags dont exactly fit the fic yet but TRUST it'll get there (I hope)