Chapter Text
I thought I found it.
I, Katsushika Mikoto, thought I found it.
When I saw those races on the old VHS tapes grandmother had all those years ago, I couldn’t get them out of my head. The races of those legendary Umamusume would never leave my head.
Tamamo Cross’ victory in the Autumn Tenno Sho of 1988
Katsuragi Ace’s overthrowing of the Emperor in the 1984 Japan Cup
Mejiro Ramonu’s victory in the Queen Elizabeth II Cup in 1986, completing the first ever Triple Tiara
An envy began to build in me. My 6th birthday that year had me dressed as my favorite racer, Oguri Cap. Hell, my family even managed to get a signed photo of her winning her first graded race, the G3 Mainichi Hai on March 27th 1988, through some of their connections with fellow journalists and family friends.
I remember it clearly. The joy I felt that day, until I looked in the mirror. And it all felt so wrong. Like I was committing a sin.
The years came and went, and I decided to move away from the family racing journalism business, my cousin was to inherit the business anyways so I didn’t have to take it myself. Instead I attended a Trainers Academy, far earlier than my peers at the academy, many of which were in their early to mid 20’s, but due to some rather impressive academic achievements, I got accepted at 15.
But something burned within me. I wanted to be out there. I wanted to feel that rush.
No. It’s not right. Such thoughts are wrong. They even told me so. To go against the wishes of my elders, their guidance even, would be the greatest disrespect. As if abandoning the family business for a naïve dream wasn’t such a disrespect in its own.
All I could do was pull my own hat down and endure. After all
Was this not my own wish?
And then, when graduation came and went, I still felt it. Whenever one would race past me, whenever I saw one training.
I felt it burn inside me.
And I felt no joy at my own celebration.
I became far more reclusive after that. Hardly ate, hardly took care of myself. Staring at a mirror made me feel like I wanted to vomit, like I wanted to dig at my own skin and force something under out. Before I could make any drastic action, Tracen Academy hired me and I began to force myself to at least *look* stable.
Scouting days came and went, and I watched every one of them at Tracen Academy. None that I saw inspired that fire in me, no style really shined in my eyes, and it’s not like any of the students wanted a young trainer like me. It was too much of a risk to train under someone as inexperienced as I, especially when I had no mentor to speak of.
Weeks flew by, and just as I was about to throw the towel in and wait for next year’s scouting season, the Emperor herself had me almost force an Uma to run in the last scouting race of the year. She was too engrossed in her research to care about racing at the moment, and she even thought of changing schools in order to commit herself to research.
But somehow, I convinced her to try that scouting race. The next day, when I prepare for the last chance scouting race, I see her on the track. When the gates flew open and she dashed out, I felt that tug. She clears the others easily and wins without a doubt.
Then, she looks up the hill, and meets my gaze. From that day onwards, I became Agnes Tachyon’s guinea pig, her trainer. And so, I did my best to ignore that fire, those thorns, and did my best.
I really thought I found it. With every training session, I saw her grow. I saw her form friendships, gain rivals, find someone, some people who loved her as she is. I saw her rise up to every challenge and take race after race, cup after cup. She grew, while I felt it. My own stagnation.
This is what I wanted, right? To see an Uma I’ve helped train, write her own story into the pages of racing history? With every race, with every session, with every late night research, I felt those thorns grow and shackle around my heart.
For something I had tried to drown, had begun to breathe once more. I tried to kill her all those years ago.
Why
Why won’t you leave me alone?
Everything was perfect, I had myself fooled into a blissful dream. Why did you have to get back up?
“Guinea pig? You’ve forgotten to stop the timer”
“Hm? Oh yeah sorry Tachyon.”
I stare down at the watch in my hands. How could I have forgotten that?
“You don’t seem to be entirely here today, tell me, did you get proper rest last night?”
“Yes I did. Just hard to focus today is all.”
“Hmm… alright then. That should be today’s training, yes?”
“You’d be right. Take today and the weekend off, you’ve earned it.”
Not too far away the others call out to her, having finished their own training sessions as well. Jungle Pocket, Manhattan Cafe and Dantsu Flame. I grip my stopwatch as I see them engage in banter, Tachyon somewhat shocked by Pokke’s sudden challenge for a lap around the track.
I turn away and begin to make my way out of the academy, though I feel someone’s gaze upon me for a moment.
In the end, I don’t end up getting to the exit, I instead end up wandering around the campus. Eventually, I end up in front of the statue of the Three Goddesses.
I helped her avoid tragedy, I helped her achieve victory time and time again. We wrote her story into history forever.
So why?
“Why do I feel so hollow?”
Those thorns tighten. Scarred tissue splits and it begins to bleed.
I fall to my knees and stare at the person in the waters. That’s not my face, that’s not my voice, that’s not my skin, my body, my mind
That’s not me, it can't be.
I can feel that coldness wrap around my chest as I feel those emotions bleed out from where the thorns pierced my heart.
I drowned you all those years ago so why are you suffocating me now?
I can feel the urge to scream, to say that’s not me, but I can feel the coldness suppress anything I wish to say.
Please
Please
Someone please tell me it’s not a sin to wish for something like this. Please tell me it will be alright, tell me it’s possible even if it’s a lie.
Please, someone make this aching go away.
I want to run, I want to run from all this, from this putrid body, from this cold that claims me, from these thorns that have stopped my heart from beating. From the girl that dared to dream. Is it not a sin to wish for that change, to deny what you were given and try for something impossible?
…
It is.
It’s the greatest sin of all.
What right do I have to deny myself what I am.
A man shouldn’t feel this way, one should be ready to endure and be a pillar. Not a burden to those around him. To be as unmovable as a mountain.
I stand once more and wipe tears that never fell. I pull my sleeves over the scratches on my arms, hoping that no one else will see the bleeding.
I’ll suffocate her again. She shouldn’t exist when I’m already 18. Such a thought should only be had by a naïve child.
Walking to my home not too far from campus, night quickly descends. Tachyon’s race in the spring Tenno Sho is soon, I should start getting ready myself.
I raise my gaze to the path ahead, and by the front door she stands there, Agnes Tachyon. The only thing illuminating us is the bright white, almost sterile light on the wall. The words that leave my mouth come out colder than I intended.
“What are you doing here Tachyon.”
“You’ve been acting rather odd as of late my dear guinea pig, are you sure there isn’t something you need to get off your chest?”
“Yeah, that you should get to your dorm before Fuji Kiseki chews you out. You’re past your curfew.”
I step forward. I can feel them dig deeper into me, those thorns. I try to get to the door, but as I put my hand on the handle, she puts her own over mine.
“Look at me in the eyes, Mikoto.”
Please.
Please stop.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t.”
“Can you not, or do you choose not to?”
“I can’t.”
“And why is that?”
Please don’t drag me out.
Please just let me suffocate here.
“There’s something you’re not telling me. I can tell because your nails are trying to claw through your shirt. Why do you have your sleeves down anyways? It’s too warm this time of year for you to have them down.”
I pull my hand back and almost subconsciously, I cross my arms. Her eyes wander to my hands once more and the way they try to claw at my arms. I can’t meet her gaze, I simply cast my gaze at the ground.
“What do you really want, Tachyon?”
“I want you to talk to me, you’re my trainer and I need you to speak with me. I can’t have you shutting down now.”
The thorns dig ever deeper.
“What is there to say that hasn’t been said already.”
“The reason why your gaze is always yearning for something. What else could you yearn for, is this not your dream? To raise an Uma such as I to greatness?”
It is my dream
Is what I want to say. But the words are lost the second I open my mouth.
“No holding back now, I need to know what’s ailing my guinea pig. I won’t be able to get any accurate data from you if your mental state stays as is.”
I can feel her struggle. But I know if she breaks free, I too shall break.
“I’ll be fine once I get some rest, just let me in.”
“Then you won’t mind if I check your arms first right?”
“…”
“What’s with the wince, trainer? You should have nothing to hide, right?”
Please let me go.
“Trainer, talk to me. Do you need help?”
Please
I quickly reach for the nob and I unlock and turn it. She grabs my hand and, with her other hand, she pulls my sleeve up.
“Mikoto, tell me, what is going on that it’s making you do this to yourself?”
A loathsome dream.
A festering dream.
A slothful, self rejecting dream.
The dream of a girl who never came to be.
One I wished suffocated long ago, one that won’t leave me alone.
“…”
“If you won’t talk to me then at least let me help you disinfect these cuts.”
Before I know it I’m sitting on the sofa as she rubs disinfectant along the cuts. I wince over and over from the alcohol, though I don’t complain. I can’t even look her in the eyes.
The silence is deafening. She still has that familiar mad smile on her face.
I don’t want to look any higher. I can’t bear to look her in the eyes. I can’t look any higher.
“There, that’s the second arm done. Now just let me bandage up and you’ll be all good to go!”
Pre-wrap from the elbow to the wrist circling the full arm, two white tape anchors at each end. Taping down before closing up. Just as I taught her.
To think I’d be in a state to need a wrap.
“Now then trainer, why exactly do you have scratches all along your arms?”
“It’s just been a rough couple days is all.”
I pull my sleeves down.
The oh so familiar feeling of her analytical gaze doesn’t elude me. I can feel her eyes bore into me, but it’s different. She’s not analyzing me how one would a test subject, but I can’t put my finger on how she is gazing upon me.
“Please. Head back to your dorm, maybe you’ll be able to sneak in without Kiseki finding you out.”
Please.
“Sorry, no can do my dear guinea pig, someone has to make sure that those injuries go undisturbed until they can heal over! I’ll be staying the night to make sure nothing happens.”
Of course. There’s no point in trying to change her mind.
I can feel my own exhaustion begin to catch up with me. Standing up, I stumble a bit as I begin to make my way to my room.
“There’s a guest room first door on the right. I’ll see you in the morning.”
She silently stares at me as I walk down the short hallway, taking the door on my left and locking the door behind me. I slowly approach my dresser, picking something to sleep in. A T-shirt and some sleeping pants are enough.
As I walk towards my bed, in the corner of my eye I can see my reflection in the mirror. With the light of the moon alone, I can see the exposed bandages along my arms. Eventually, my gaze meets my own. It really was that obvious that I’m not okay huh?
The bags under my eyes, almost makes Cafe during her run in the Kikuka Sho look healthy. Almost.
It’s cold. Really cold.
I try to wrap my own arms around me to warm up a bit. I do my best to ignore the thorns, but them alongside my own cold touch only makes it worse.
They tighten. I grit my teeth.
I pull my fist back and swing at the mirror. Before I could shatter the glass, my fist slows as that cold continues to envelop me, freezing even the brief anger I felt.
My knuckles lightly tap against the glass, eye to eye with my own empty gaze once more. Deep in them, I can see her.
Please return to that abyss. I can’t bear anymore of this feeling.
I lay in my bed pulling my blankets over me.
I’m so cold.
I ball up, trying to find some kind of warmth in my body, in the air, somewhere.
It’s so cold.
Please go away.
All these voices that tell me things I don’t want to hear. Please, just for one night, let me delude myself that it’s all okay. Let me pretend I’m enough. Let me believe that I’m fine as is.
Let me cut this dream off.
Anymore and I’ll break.
Please
Please!
PLEASE
I don’t want this coldness! I don’t want these thorns to bleed what’s left of me onto the floor! I don’t want this voice that tells me that I’m not enough, that tells me what I am is a disgrace to humanity, a walking sin! I don’t want this dream that makes me want to be more, to admit to myself that
that I want to change. That I want to go against what the world gave me and change to be something that I don’t vehemently reject. Someone I can look at the mirror at and smile. Someone who can be out there running, the wind in her hair.
I don’t want this dream that makes me wish for an impossible change. Everything hurts. I can’t even get my sobs through this impossibly large lump in my throat. I feel like I’m choking. Please just someone please take this away from me. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to be.
But nobody will come for me. I’ve come to terms with this forever ago. There is no answer, no cure that fixes me. So all I can do is let these tears flow and fall asleep as I feel everything suffocate me.