Chapter Text
Inferno.
That word was all he could use to describe his life at the moment.
His adoration for Mike setting his emotions into disarray.
It was only a week ago that he had spent that night with him.
The weekend of his first heat.
A moment seared into his memory.
There was one thing that stayed with him in the present, however. Not a distant memory, but a lingering feeling.
Desire.
Pure want for another.
Presenting as an Omega was not what he needed right now. Way too many things were going on.
But he couldn’t lie to himself.
It was an unhealthy obsession. Just how much Mike consumed his every waking moment. As much as he wanted to ignore it he couldn’t.
He really wanted to work on lying to himself. It hadn’t really got him anywhere he’s noticed. Admitting his powerful emotions could possibly help him forget them.
So he needed to be real.
That night had changed everything.
He knew nothing was perfect, but that was the most he’s ever felt close to the feeling. He can truly say he wore his heart on his sleeve, even if for a small moment.
He liked it.
The way it made him more confident in himself.
That every choice he made wasn’t inherently wrong.
One thing stayed at the forefront of his mind, however.
He didn’t want his feelings to get in the way of their friendship. Losing Mike’s familiarity for something as stupid as a crush was not worth it.
Being with Mike in any capacity was better than damaging their established connection.
He wouldn’t have it. Not if he could help it.
So that left him with no choice.
Keep his distance. Repress his convoluted feelings for the boy.
That wouldn’t be easy, but necessary it was.
That was the only way.
He wouldn’t be the one to cause more pain or discomfort for those around him.
Mike was a normal boy who liked normal things. Girls being his end all apparently.
“That settles it then.” Saying it out loud would hopefully make it come true. Like a spell casted into the vast universe.
“What are you settling?”
Will screamed and whipped around.
“El? Are you crazy? Why would you do that?” He was gripping his chest where his heart was.
She laughed.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” She walked over to his bed.
She looked concerned.
“El are you alright?” He sat down next to her gently. Placing his hand on hers.
She looked at him and had tears glistening on her cherub-flushed cheeks.
He immediately went to wipe them away.
“It’s Mike.”
His heart winced in pain.
Talking to El about Mike made him want to curl up and die. It was such a horribly guilty feeling.
But.
He cared about El too much to let that stop him from letting her speak about her concerns.
“What about him? Everything been ok?” He asked with genuine concern.
He never wanted to see her upset.
Mike had been awkward with him, but was he also acting strangely towards El? The trip to California wasn’t the greatest for anyone.
“He- he’s not acting normal. He has been… quiet. Far away. From me.” She answered in a soft broken voice.
He and Mike had been friends ever since elementary school, but It didn’t mean he could figure out what was going on in that boy’s beautifully chaotic head.
Especially in recent months.
“You know Mike, El. He’s not great with opening up about- well anything really… but that’s not something that’s a fault of yours.” He replied with as much uncertainty as he probably felt.
It was difficult to give helpful advice when he himself didn’t know how to be open.
Admitting your feelings to yourself is already hard to do. Trying to help someone else do the same felt more impossible.
Add his… unwanted feelings into it and everything was more complicated.
“He loves you.”
Not me.
“You’ll always be together.”
We won’t.
She wiped her tears away from her eyes.
“What if- what if… I… don’t need that?”
Her words stunned him, leaving his thoughts scattered and blurred.
“What do- what? I don’t follow.” He replied in as calm a voice as he could. Confusion laced into his tone.
“I love Mike- and you. And everyone. He loves me too. But…”
He was so lost. What was El getting at? He already knows they love each other. Why add the but at the end of that statement?
“We don’t love each other like… like that.” She struggled to get out the words. As if they were caught in her throat.
“Wha- El I don’t understand. You don’t love Mike like what?”
Her face was glowing a soft pink.
“Magazine. The… dirty kind. I’ve seen one. The man and woman are doing- things.” She says as she avoids eye contact with him.
Oh my god.
There was no way in hell.
He was spiraling. Too much overloading his system.
“El! Tell me you’re not talking about… lord what is happening? So you saw… things… and don’t want that with-“ He was whisper yelling. Stopping himself at the end because the image was one he did not want in his head.
“Yes, Will. I’m not a little kid. Sex. I do not want that. With Mike.”
Yeah today would be even more crazy than anything he’s ever experienced. This conversation couldn’t be happening.
“Well. Ok. Um. So yes first of all don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do. Ever. Especially when it comes to things like- that.”
He gestured in an awkward way. Still not processing how El had even gotten access to those things.
“Also, El. You can still love someone and not want to do those… things with them. It doesn’t mean you can’t be together.”
He replied carefully. Letting her know she could still be with Mike if she chose to. Not wanting her to feel limited in her options was paramount to him. He always wanted to be a safe spot for her troubles.
She smiled at him.
“Got it.”
His brain was too much in shock to mention anything else, but he wanted her to feel confident and informed.
Letting her know he would always support her is what mattered.
“I should talk to him. I’m ready now.”
Woah. This was the serious El back. She looked determined. As if she’d been holding onto this for a while.
“O-ok. Sure what ever you need to do.”
She turned and smiled at him. A genuine smile. One that was rare for everyone nowadays.
She gave him a tight hug before walking towards the door.
El stood at the door frame for a moment before turning around.
“He doesn’t say it to me. But I want to say it you.”
She paused.
“I love you.”
She waved goodbye.
That did it.
What made him break.
He could feel the waterfall of tears streaming down his cheeks.
El had never said anything close to that before. Not to him anyway.
Everything at school in California made them drift apart for a while. He’s glad they didn’t let it fester.
That was his sister. Blood or not, and he would always be there for her.
That’s one thing he could promise himself.
What one version of love was.
After she left, the silence lingered, heavy and strange. The house felt too still without her, and for a moment, he didn’t know what to do with himself.
A nap would have to do. Thinking was too much and made his head hurt.
Hours slipped by unnoticed—sunlight giving way to darkness—until he realized he hadn’t heard the front door open again.
It had been hours since El left.
That’s what he noticed as soon as he got up. He looked out the window.
It was dark out and El still wasn’t back- it stressed him out.
Was she able to have a deep conversation with Mike?
Was he mad? Upset? Confused?
Why did it matter anyway? Mike was a big boy. He didn’t need to be worried about by him.
He sighed.
Mike confused the hell out of him.
That night of his first heat was pure bliss.
Until it wasn’t.
That morning he woke up alone. An ache of missing Mike’s presence. He remembered being so hurt at the fact Mike left.
He cried.
He had never been so vulnerable and open.
Just for Mike to abandon him.
Tears.
Then anger.
He was so incredibly irritated at the whole situation. How naive of him to think anything had changed between them.
That their relationship had improved.
He scoffed at the idea now.
Mike was an asshole.
That was all he could think about. The most horrendous thing was that it still wasn’t enough to get him off his mind.
To let him go.
At this point was that truly even possible?
That’s what terrified him.
A soft knock came from his door before he could wade in his anger.
“Come in!”
A familiar face appeared.
“El? It’s so late where were you?”
He immediately sat up from his bed.
She came over and sat down. Mirroring their earlier interaction.
He waited for her to speak. After a pause she began.
“I talked to Mike. It was… easy?” She sounded perplexed towards the end.
He was also seeking clarity.
She continued.
“We both cried. But. Not in a sad way. He said whatever made me happy. Which was kind.”
Wow how simple. He didn’t really know what to expect, and honestly Mike had never been one to open up too much. Hopefully he was ok.
El seemed to be taking it well, so that was good.
“I’m glad, El. Truly. You seem less stressed already.” He said as he rubbed her back softly. Trying to offer any comfort he could.
“I’m sleepy now, Will. Going to sleep.”
She left after giving him a hug.
After she left, he lay awake, a thousand thoughts crowding his head.
How was he even supposed to feel? Mike would move on to someone else… some other girl to love.
Every sign pointed to the same truth: his heart was a cage, its key long rusted shut.
Some desires were never meant to see the light.
He fell asleep cold that night, aching for warmth he’d once known- for the touch of a boy with strong hands and kinder eyes.