Chapter Text
Warning: SPOILERS BE HERE. They are very easily ignored, as they will be added in the nonsense I'm squirting out later.
- c14.2 Billion years ago: "In the beginning, the Universe was created. This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
- c200,000 million years ago: A collective of multi-cellular crystalline amoebae think a thought: "What if the universe ends?" Their race eats them in terror. The idea is a meme, they are all infected.
- c199,999 million years ago: The race eats everyone else in their race (ignore how). until there's only one left (ignore how), explodes the planet (ignore how), and every other planet connected to it in the multiverse (ignore how), and sends bits of themselves in every direction in time and space (ignore how) to escape the heat-death of the universe (ignore how).
- c199,998 million-30 years ago: Every bit of that single collective of multi-cellular crystalline amoebae turns into a new one. Every one of those collectives of multi-cellular crystalline amoebae infests a world, noms all the power, information, thought, and joy, then explodes the world, and every version of the world connected to it to breed. This continues for reasons.
- c1,002,000 years ago: Cavegirls fight dinosaurs in skimpy fur bikinis. The cavegirls are in bikinis, not the dinosaurs. Probably.
- c360,000 years ago: One of the collectives of multi-cellular crystalline amoebae decides to become a girl and a boy at the same time. Good for them.
- c12,000 years ago: HUMAN SLAVES! IN AN INSECT NATION! A-AAAA-A-A-AAAA! Possibly.
- c3,600 years ago: The boy and girl amoebae blobs hit their last world before Earth.
- c3,001 years ago: Soul King gets merc'd (ignore how) and turned into a battery (ignore how) by a bunch of brain-dead 1%ers (ignore how). This fixes the movement of souls (ignore how).
- c3,000 years ago: His son, a moustached twat, awakens to his power.
- c2,010 years ago: A Scottish dude wakes up in a shithole with no memories. He joins a local gang of lunatics.
- c2,000 years ago: The Soul King's son gets merc'd by a gang of lunatics hired by the 1%ers.
- c2,000 years ago: The lunatics kick down the door and make themselves the cops. The 1%ers can't stop them and pretend it was all their idea in the first place.
- c2,000 years ago: A dude thinks a thought: "What if everyone was kinda OK to each other?" His race eats him in terror. The idea is a meme, they are all infected. He gets better according to some of them.
- c2,000 years ago-present: Everyone kills each other over who can be more OK to each other than everyone else. This pleases the cycle of souls.
- c2,000 years ago: James McAlpine joins the inaugural 11th Division as 10th Seat.
- c1,400 years ago: James McAlpine follows his captain to the 4th Division. Stays 10th Seat as he is old, not strong.
- c1,000 years ago: A Scottish dude dies in Japan. As souls don't give a fuck about time, he gets plonked elsewhen. Remember, Marco Polo is only lauded because he made it back.
- c420 years ago: James McAlpine joins the 1st Division.
- c318 years ago: James McAlpine
is booted out of the 1st Division for lazinessjoins the 2nd Division. - c154 years ago: James McAlpine is promoted to 8th Seat. Commands the Outer Expeditionary Force as the current lieutenant can't be arsed.
- c119 years ago: Strange disappearances in the Seireitei.
- c110 years ago: Disappearances cease with the disappearance of several captains. They get blamed, because Central 46 are idiots.
- 109 years ago: The Outer Expeditonary Force comes back from a two-year-long mission to the World Of The Living to no captain.
- 76 years ago: James McAlpine is sent back out as Commander of the Outer Expeditionary Force as the new lieutenant decides he can't be arsed either.
- c30 years ago: The girl amoebae blob gets roofied during a quicky with another blob. Boy blob is concerned that she's high.
- 27 years ago: The girl amoebae drunk-drives straight into the Ivory Coast. Yes, all of it. After her car crash, she gets put in a coma by a knife-wielding child.
- 27 years ago-present: Superpowered people start showing up. Society is most perturbed.
- 25 years ago: Boy blob realises girl blob is dead. He gets big sad.
- 22 years ago: Nic Cage stars as John Bender in The Breakfast Club. Society is most perturbed.
- 20 years ago: The Slaughterhouse Nine are formed.
- 18 years ago: The Protectorate, the only government-sanctioned group of superheroes, is formed. Only good can come of this, I am assured.
- 15 years ago: The First Endbringer, Behemoth, shows up. He is a dick.
- 11 years ago: The Second Endbringer, Leviathan, shows up. He is even more of a dick.
- 9 years ago: A certain Strawberry Incident happens. Shit goes south for the Seireitei.
- 7 years ago: The Thousand Year Blood War. Turns out Souls get two years to every one of ours, which is annoying.
- 7 years ago: The Brockton Bay Brigade arrest Marquis, unmask, and become New Wave. Carol adopts Amy. Only good can come of this, I am assured.
- 6 years ago: Emily Piggot is severely injured and can't be a muscle mommy any more. Society is most perturbed.
- 5 years ago: The Third Endbringer, Simurgh, shows up. She is somehow an even bigger dick than the last two.
- 3 years ago: The current version of The Fallen are created.
- Last year: A new super-tinker hero called Dragon shows up and revolutionises several tech sectors. Meets her new boo, who is oblivious.
- 8 months ago: Simurgh attacks Cape Canaveral. She makes something, activates it, then buggers off. It's the lowest body count of any Endbringer battle so far.
- 7 months ago: Lung shows up in Brockton Bay, fights everyone, wins, and takes over every Asian-themed gang he could find.
- c6 months ago: A strange signal is detected by a lunatic in Soul Society. He is big glad. Only good can come of this, I am assured.
- 3 months ago: A Scottish dude wakes up in a shithole with no memories. He joins a local gang of lunatics.