Devil in I

by sevensistersofsussex

Summary:

Elena Gilbert has a secret and a destiny to die, but after her friends and family bring her back against her wishes it leads to temptation and desires that she might not be able to resist.

Chapter 1: The Dying Song

Bitter copper lingers in her mouth long after she’s left the Salvatore Boarding House. It floats like a miasma around her lips reminding her of the ways she remains powerless against the men in her life. The frustration seeps into her knuckles as she pulls the car over to the side of the road. If anyone will understand how devastating this is, it will be John. His name flashes across the screen before he answers the call.

 

Today was never supposed to come but if it did, then her parents ensured that she would serve a purpose. John in his single-minded mission understands that better than anyone. What it means to truly sacrifice yourself.  He agrees to take her the rest of the way to the old witch house and hangs up.

 

The compact rattles in her hands between shaking fingers as she checks her face. On her best days, she isn’t a confident driver. Not anymore. And today is far from her best day. But tonight will be a shining moment if she can fix what Damon ruined. John knows the urgency of this trip and all that hangs in the balance. They are Gilberts and they have to do what must be done.

 

---

 

“Bonnie? Jere?” The basement stairs creak under her weight but the creaking doesn’t stop once she opens the door. Her hands fly to her mouth and she stumbles backwards, nearly tripping over a box of grimoires. “Oh my god! Sorry! Sorry!”

 

“Elena! Your sister…” Bonnie panics at the unexpected arrival. “What are you doing here?

 

“I didn’t hear you!”

 

Flashes of Bonnie’s leg hooked over Jeremy’s broad shoulder and his dark head of hair between her thighs.

 

“I used a silencing spell.”

 

Her best friend’s eyes rolled back in ecstasy. Her brother’s free hand massaging her breast and pinching her nipple.

 

“Locked doors work better.”

 

Jeremy’s triceps flexing in a very specific motion. Elena wants to bleach her brain before surrendering herself to Klaus tonight.

 

“So does knocking.” Jeremy leans over to drape a blanket across Bonnie’s shoulders before rounding on Elena. Any embarrassment he may have felt now being channeled into annoyance. She tries not to notice his thumb moving to wipe the corner of his mouth but it’s like a car wreck. She can’t stop cataloguing the damage. “What if Klaus had followed you?”

 

“John made sure he didn’t. We’ve been driving around for a few hours just in case.” Elena pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes, giving them enough time to dress. Giving herself enough time to expunge the images from her mind. “Bonnie, I need to talk to you.”

 

“Hey, kiddo.” John is at her back, oblivious of the warning screeches until it’s too late. He coughs to clear his throat, discomfort evident in his next words. “Jeremy.  We – well – we brought some snacks. Want to help me grab them?”

 

---

 

The basement grows smaller after they leave. Elena recounts Damon’s forceful hand on the back of her head and his blood thick and warm sliding down her throat. She glances down in the telling and for the first time sees the stains of it spotting her shirt.  “The sacrifice doesn’t work unless I die. If I come back, it’s meaningless.”

 

“It’s not meaningless, Elena.” Bonnie’s jawline tenses as she bites down on her words. “You’d be alive. You’d be with us.”

 

“There’s no more hiding. He’s found me. It has to be done. You know it’s the right thing to do.” Elena reaches out to hold Bonnie’s hands in her own. Caressing the soft skin on the back of her friend’s hand. Holding every ounce of love and regret between them.  “Is there anything you can do?”

 

As Bonnie sifts through the tomes for the right spell, Elena considers how deeply seared the image of Bonnie with Jeremy is etched in her brain. Her lip twitches at the thought that soon she won’t have to worry about the echoing trauma of the moment. Before the day is over, she’ll be dead and won’t have to think about them having sex. It’s the kind of joke she knows Bonnie won’t appreciate. No one will.  

 

“It will hurt.” Bonnie lays out one of her cousin’s grimoires on the ground between them.

 

“Doesn’t it always?”

 

The only tender moment of the spell is when Bonnie intertwines her fingers with Elena’s and gentle breeze blows between them. As she reads from the book, repeating the words, Bonnie’s voice takes on a humming monotone. Elena’s body grows hot and her skin itchy. She tries to scratch but Bonnie’s grip is too tight. She won’t let go. Blood wells up at the corner of her fingernails like the aftermath of ripped hangnails. She won’t let go. Blood surges into her head with a crack before it pours from her mouth. She won’t let go. Ringing in her head and she wants to clamp her hands over her ears to drown out the noise. But Bonnie won’t let go.

 

Elena doubles over across Bonnie’s lap in pain. Every inch of her body has felt the heat of magic scorching the impurities in her blood. There is nothing left in her now. No vervain or vampire blood. Just her. Exactly as she needs to be if she wants to kill Klaus. Finally, Bonnie lets go of her hands. She rubs Elena’s back as she cries. Tears diluting the remnants of Damon’s blood expelled from her system. Washing it all away.

 

The pain ebbs away to be replaced by a solid stone of determination. Today is not over. She’ll squeeze every ounce of joy she can out of it before following Klaus to their shared altar.   

 

“I’m glad I got to see you. I love you so much.” Their arms are tight around each other. So long as they hold each other, they are both safe. Elena breaks the hug first to take in every inch of Bonnie’s face. “Take care of Caroline. And my brother too?”

 

“It’s not right, Elena. Lying to him like this.”

 

“I don’t want to take his hope away.” Elena shoves her hands in her pockets. “And it’s not my place to change how he looks at our parents.”

 

“I won’t lie to him. If he asks about or wants to talk – I won’t lie.”

 

“Bonnie, you’re my friend…”

 

“And he’s my boyfriend.” Bonnie cuts her off. “I won’t lie to him. I don’t want to be in the middle. Keeping secrets. Don’t put me there.”

 

“You’re right.” Elena’s shoulders sag. This is their final argument. Elena will have the last word of it today, but she can’ t control what happens after she’s gone. The best she can do is hope Jeremy never asks about this. Never finds out the truth. “I’m sorry.”

 

---

 

After splashing some water on her face, Elena returns upstairs alone to witness John awkwardly trying to resuscitate a conversation with Jeremy. They hug and the emotion builds in her chest but her brother is too stoic to allow it to truly soar. She teases him and he laughs. For seconds, she can pretend that they will make some popcorn tonight and fight over which movie to watch. But then his eyes get glassy and he hugs her one last time. She knows this is the last time she’ll see him. He doesn’t turn around and she expects nothing less.

 

“Are you good to drive yourself back?”

 

“You’re not coming?” She frowns. Had assumed John might try to talk her out of this or at least offer her some faux fatherly advice. Not the keys to his car. Her lip curls at the surprising disappointment of it.

 

“I was thinking Jeremy could later.” John scratches at his neck and smiles at her like they are strangers at the grocery store. “There’s a high probability that it will be awkward, but I think someone should give him ‘the talk’. Considering…”

 

But then John pulls her in for a hug and her arms hang limp at her side until she remembers that they aren’t strangers. In another life, he might have raised her. Might have tucked her in at night and indulged her questions strategically asked to avoid sleep. She might have really loved him once. But that ache in her chest is from another girl and another life.

 

“You’re a good kid, Elena. You deserve more than what I’ve given you. More than what the world has given you.” His hands are in her hair and he’s holding her face. Tears rolling off his cheeks. He’s shaking. The lines on his forehead rewrite themselves with each thought.  “I hope you know how much I love you. How much I would do anything for you.”

 

“You gave me my family, John.” She doesn’t know how to comfort him now. Doesn’t know how to say what she feels because it’s not as simple as an ‘I love you too’. “It’s all I ever could have wanted.”

 

She wants to tell him that she would have liked that other life. The one where he kept her and she called him Dad. Where they would only visit Mystic Falls to visit in between all the other places they would call home. She wants to tell him that in this other life she thinks he’s her favorite person and that she loves him so much. But she can’t. That other girl lives too far away to summon. Instead, she drives back home with her hands gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly. Pulling over twice to breathe through tears and anxiety. Waiting outside the boarding house for Stefan until her smile feels real.

 

---

 

Watching Katerina viciously stab her own thigh in an attempt to fool him into believing her compelled is amusing. In different circumstances, Klaus might give his own doppelganger a reprieve in order to savor this particular scenario for another month or two. But he has been studying the exquisite pain in the betrayer’s doe eyes and the way resentment flashes in the corners of her mouth like lightning striking down from her flared nostrils. Later, when he has time, he will commit this image to permanence with oil, pigment, and canvas.

 

“Enough.” He waves a hand, satisfied by her momentary relief. “You should be thanking Damon Salvatore for your luck.”

 

“Why would I do that?”

 

“It seems as if he’s stolen some essential elements for my sacrifice tonight. Now, I do plan ahead. I’d had the foresight to ensnare two werewolves.” He takes a sip of his whisky to draw out her interest, keen to see her hang on his every word. Setting the trap. He should have been so clever when she was still human. “Unfortunately, I had no such insight to do the same for my vampire.”

 

Her face pales like a macabre porcelain doll with the knife in her hand and gore staining her shredded jeans. To her credit, she doesn’t say anything. Merely waits for him to continue while her calculating eyes assess the room. Any other face, any other woman, any other temperament and she would have made a worthy companion.

 

“I’ll need one final favor from you before I turn you loose on the world.”

 

“And that is?” Katerina steps forward, unaware of the rope around her ankle.

 

“Simple really.” Klaus grins, watching the cord tighten. “I need you to find me a replacement for my ritual.”

 

Animals don’t know when they are about to be slaughtered. They have no context for the gleaming knife poised in the butcher’s hand. When done right, they may even relax.

 

Katerina relaxed.

 

“I can do that.”

 

---

 

It’s his doppelganger’s home where she takes him. He recognizes it from the nights spent observing her, both before and after he announced his presence in her life. Katerina’s voice grows earnest over the phone and soon a young woman emerges from the house. Someone important no doubt. By the time she recognizes Katerina for what she is, it’s too late. His blood is in her body and her neck snaps easily in his hands.

 

Even on the precipice of freedom, Katerina can’t help herself. She could have brought him anywhere. Brought him to anyone. But she can never resist one last parting shot. It’s her downfall. That desire to turn around while she has one foot out the door.

 

“One more thing, love.” To his delight, he can feel her flinching under his touch. An electric fear. “Bring her to Steven’s Quarry. Greta will be waiting. I have the most important element left to escort.”

 

---

 

The hike is beautiful and she appreciates Stefan’s attempt to give her one last human day. It’s an indulgence to climb that waterfall with him, but the view isn’t as precious to her as the way he looks at her now still believing Damon’s blood will return her to him once the night is over. Driving with him back to the house with the window rolled down. Wind in her hair and his hand on her thigh. She wants to ask him to keep driving. She’s not as selfless as they like to make her out to be, but she is a dutiful daughter and she won’t let her family down. Tonight will be their last kiss as she leaves him with his eyes closed to the hope that tomorrow she will join him in eternity.  

 

---

 

Steven’s Quarry is as good a place as any to die. She isn’t sure why Klaus picked this location but she does appreciate the sound of the cascading falls just beyond the trees. The water feels like a welcome return home. With this last task, she can finally join her parents and rest. Her friends will be safe. They have a future now. Her brother can have a normal life with –

 

“Jenna?” Elena starts forward but Klaus’s grip on her arm is too tight. She nearly sling shots back into him. “What is she doing here? We had a deal! I haven’t broken it!”

 

“You haven’t, but Damon has.”

 

“You!” The word is a curse in her throat. The sight of Katherine standing with Klaus is a cruel mirror. If Elena had teeth, she’d use them. “What’s wrong with you? Haven’t you done enough? How can you live with yourself?”

 

“Because I’m walking away from this.”

 

Klaus shoves Elena to the ground. Dirt and pine needles stick to her hands. Jenna rushes to her side, hovering protectively over her, but Elena is quick to reverse their positions. Nearby, the werewolf groans in pain, beginning to wake up. Katherine begins to inch away from Klaus but he turns to address her.

 

“Do you care to stay, Katerina?” Klaus gestures to her as though inviting her to dinner. “See the culmination of my work finally come to pass?”

 

“I’d rather not.”

 

“It’s a beautiful sight. There was something not quite right about using the boy. In my mind’s eye, I had envisioned three beautiful women. Brunettes.” He circles around Katherine, guiding her away from the trees. He sighs dramatically. “When I squint, I can just pretend that the wolf resembles Tatia but the replacement you chose. I’m not certain I see the vision.”

 

Katherine inches away. Her hands flexing anxiously. There’s a blur of escape but she’s no faster than Greta’s magic. Klaus’s witch invokes three circles of flame around the women. The werewolf barely regards it. Jenna, unused to magic, startles next to Elena. But Katherine is thrown back, rebounding off the flames as if they were solid walls.

 

“This wasn’t our deal!”

 

“The rope never left your sweet neck, Katerina. You should have known then that you were living on stolen time.” Klaus steps back as though taking in a museum display. “There. The image is as perfect as it can be.”

 

The moonstone passes between Klaus and Greta with a kiss. “Keep going, darling.” Klaus lingers with his palm cupping her cheek. “I must see to our company.”

 

Stefan appears through the clearing. She should have known, as self-sacrificing as he is, that he would come here tonight to try to save someone. At first, he bargains for Jenna but Klaus dispels the notion.

 

“I’ve no intention of killing her, Stefan.” Klaus cocks his head to the side. “I merely needed a bystander so I might drink in the nectar that is Katerina’s fleeting hope.”

 

This isn’t where he’d imagined his bravery would lead. It’s a fruitless endeavor and Elena can see defeat in his shoulders. He looks to her, searching for direction. But they are both lost.

 

“Fine. Use me. Let me take her place.”

 

Out of all her fears about tonight, this hadn’t been one. Her mouth hangs open and she can hear Jenna cursing under her breath. Stefan doesn’t look at her now though she wishes he would so she could figure out why he’s doing this. Why come here at all? Why stay and offer to save the person who would, has, condemned them all. Katherine doesn’t deserve to live. Is he so eager to die?

 

The only answer to that question is a resounding thud as Stefan’s body slams into a nearby tree. The wet squelch of a branch pinning him down. His legs gone slack. The branch having pulverized his spinal cord.

 

“Now that our little interruption has been resolved.” Klaus’s gesture is fluid and casual as he instructs Greta to let down the first wall of fire. As if he hadn’t just paralyzed Stefan with raw strength and a dead branch.

 

The werewolf is awake and aware now. But she’s in too much pain to move. She drags her body helplessly away from Klaus. Her hands clawing at the dirt in this last stand.  

 

Elena shields her aunt from the sight. The sound echoes through her head and it might have been worse than looking. “It’s okay.” She flattens down Jenna’s fear-damp hair. “Everything will be okay. He’s not going to kill you.”

 

“I don’t understand, Elena. I thought it was you.” Jenna shakes with unhoused adrenaline and the memory of her death. “I left the house and I remember him biting me and then –.”

 

“You’re in transition. It’s not the end of the world. There are ways you can live with it. Ric will show you. He’ll stick by you.” Tears sting but Elena refuses to let them fall. Not in front of Jenna. “You can still be there for Jeremy. It will all work out.”

 

Flames die down around Katherine next. Elena cradles Jenna’s face to her chest but chances a peek. It’s the only thing good about tonight. Klaus still has the werewolf’s blood on his hands when he grabs Katherine. Biting into her neck as he buries his hand in her chest. To her credit, Katherine doesn’t scream. Refuses to give him anymore satisfaction in her death than he already takes. Elena can admire this in her even if she’s happy that her doppelganger now lies dead on the ground. The world would have felt perverse if she’d been allowed to live.

 

As Klaus returns to the cauldron to add Katherine’s blood, Elena knows her turn is next. She tilts Jenna’s face up at her, doing her best to comfort her. “Please just remember. I love you. I love Jeremy. I’ll be okay.”

 

“I should have done something. I was supposed to take care of you.”

 

“You did! You did…listen, you couldn’t have stopped this, okay? None of this is your fault. It’s no one’s fault.” Elena’s throat is dry. Her chest aches. She wants to scream for her dad and have him check her closet for monsters. She swallows and smiles. “I want you to be happy. Doing this tonight – it will – please just promise me that you’ll be happy? That you’ll take care of Jeremy.”

 

It’s her turn. Klaus offers her a hand and she kisses Jenna’s forehead instead. This is what she was born to do. The blood coursing in her body is powerful beyond measure. It rewrites the rules of nature and as Klaus thanks her, she thinks of how it will rewrite him. He’s behind her. Greta has Jenna subdued, vines bursting from the ground to wrap around her wrists. The world goes silent as he tilts her chin to look at him. Only him and the sound of water. The rush of her blood pumping in her veins like poison.  

 

“Go to hell.”

 

Sharp teeth shine as he circles her. Brushing her hair gently from her neck. Fangs piercing into her skin. It’s instinct that has her body jumping away and his that keeps her firm in his grasp. Fingers splayed possessively over her collarbone. Hands roaming intimately exploring her body. Unnecessary and crude. She goes slack and he holds her aloft but she knows that he has to drink until the last drop.

 

Most vampires won’t.

 

Elena pivots in his arms and she registers vaguely the shock on his face. He has to drink it all. She has to make him want it. She steadies herself with arms draped across his shoulders. A hand weaving through his hair like a lover. He descends on her again, invigorated. His bite is doubled and the pain does the same to the night’s sky. She’s nauseous now and her vision narrows. He lays her gently on the ground and she can feel him pulling back.

 

It won’t do.

 

Calculating, she musters her strength and grabs a fistful of his hair until he moans in her ear. Bites down a third time. And she’s certain she’s done it. He will drink every last drop of her blood. With each mouthful the magic binds them tighter. It will drag him down into the grave with her and she will accomplish what no one else has in over a thousand years.

 

And doesn’t that make her the most fearsome creature in the woods tonight?

 

The world is dark now. He’s blotted out the moon and the stars. His hand is at her back as he paws her even closer. Soft moans chasing every blood-drunk gasp for air. The water fades, crashing less frequently in her head now. Someone is sobbing. This is her death song.

 

---

 

As Klaus clings to the dead body below him, there’s a certainty that he will die too. It’s an anchor on his ecstasy. Dread threatening to pull him under and bury him. It passes. An awful second and then it’s gone. He assumes it’s magic. An echo of his bitch-mother screaming at his success from beyond.

 

With his blood now mixed with hers, he returns to the cauldron and slices through his palm. Let’s their combined power drip into the cauldron to join the moonstone. Greta beams at him and resumes her incantations. Finalizing the ritual and ushering in a new era.

 

Power hits him and sends Klaus stumbling through the carnage. Through Katerina’s absolution and his doppelganger’s gift. The transitioning vampire wails when he looks at her and he assumes that his eyes must have turned that brilliant shade of gold. He runs his tongue over his teeth. Canines grown in double. The moon calls for him and for the first time in his life, he answers her music with a chorus of snapping bones.

 

The universe does not allow him to relish in it for long. A force hits him. Sends him flying back across the clearing.    

 

---

                                                                                                                                                                                    “You were dead.” It’s not an accusation. It’s an admission of fear.

 

The Bennett witch advances on him with a determination that spells his doom. One of them will not leave this clearing tonight and with his witch dead at Damon’s feet, Klaus is alone. She bears down on him. Oblivion is beautiful and terrifying in her eyes. And then Elijah appears from the shadows. He believes himself saved until his brother’s fingers tighten around his frantically beating heart. That dread returns.

 

“I didn’t bury them at sea.” He gasps as Elijah’s thumb passes over his throat. He doesn’t want to be alone. Doesn’t want to come this close only to die where it all began. He’ll say anything. “I’ve kept them. You can be reunited. I can take you to them. I give you my word. Brother.”

 

The witch and his brother have a heated exchange while blood pulses in his head drowning them out.  Their fight reverbs in his chest. The sound of water falling into the quarry lulls him into an unwilling peace. The sacrifice has been derailed. And then Elijah releases him. He’s carried away, safe in his brother’s arms.

 

---

 

“Damon?” The light inside the room is glaring initially. He moves in front of it to shield her eyes and suddenly he’s washed in it. Elena is certain this isn’t heaven. “What are you doing? Where am I?”

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m – fine.” Her throat has been replaced by sandpaper, wherever she’s landed. Can’t be hell either. It’s nothing like the eternal flames from Pastor Young’s sermons. “What’s going on?”

 

“Bonnie found a way to save you.”

 

“Save me?” The words are a balm on her chapped lips and then she understand their meaning. Sits up too quickly and the world spins. “Damon. I need you to tell me what happened. Where is Jenna? What happened to Klaus.”

 

“Ric is talking to Jenna right now.” Damon’s hands are on either side of her face. The anxiety radiating from his palms could fry her brain. “She’s freaking out about transitioning but he’ll convince her.”

 

“And Klaus?”

 

“I didn’t get a chance to finish him.” Bonnie walks in leaning on Jeremy. Her face is ashen and she looks on the verge of collapse. “Elijah interrupted.”

 

“Why did you do it?” She bites her lip, unwilling to let the truth slip. “Why did you bring me back?”

 

“Elena. This is a good thing.” There’s that familiar strained quality in Damon’s voice. Always there when he’s trying to convince her. “You’re back. You’re human. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

 

“She knew what I wanted!” There’s a metallic taste in the back of her throat when she screams. “You had no right. What’s wrong with you?!”

 

“Hey! Stop yelling at her.” Jeremy steps in front of Bonnie, holding his body so that he can keep an arm around her while obscuring her. Elena can’t remember when exactly he’d gotten so tall. “It was John’s idea to sacrifice his soul to keep yours safe. And do you have any idea what she went through to bring you back? The danger she put herself in to stop Klaus?”

 

Muscles in her jaw tighten as she stews. Knowing what she can’t say. It would take too much for them to understand. She just wishes they’d let her go. Twice now she’s evaded death. It calls for her in a way they’ll never hear. This was her purpose tonight and they stole it. What is the cost of one girl? Too much. Because they couldn’t let her go.  

 

“Did you not want to come back?”

 

Through his bravado, she can see the edges of the child in him. It softens her resolve to hold onto her anger. “It’s not that.”

 

“Then why the hell are you being so ungrateful?”

 

“Jeremy. It’s okay.” Bonnie flits into view, patting Jeremy’s arm for his attention. “Coming back from the dead. It’s emotional. Turbulent. Give her a break.”

 

“Here.” He flings a heavy envelope onto her lap. His lips are pinched and his eyes have hardened, locking away that little boy. “John left a letter for you. Maybe this will convince at least one of you to stick around.”

 

---

 

In the other room, Ric is on his knees prostrate over Jenna. His head is buried in her lap but she is unmoved. Elena touches him gently on the shoulder to take his place. She sits down on the dusty couch, silently waiting until her aunt speaks first. Coaxing it out of her.  

 

“I can’t do it, Elena.” Jenna finally breaks the quiet. “I don’t want to be a monster.”

 

“Not all vampires are like Klaus and Katherine.” Elena reaches out to take hold of Jenna’s worrying hands. “Some of them are good. You met Stefan. You could be a good vampire too.”

 

“I can’t handle it. I could barely handle life before all this.” Anguish rises in Jenna’s throat, morphing the syllables of her protest. “Look at the mess I’ve made of you and Jeremy.”

 

“Jenna please.” She doesn’t want to start crying. If she does, then it will become a scream and she doesn’t know if she can stop. “We need you.”

 

“You don’t. Look at you. You’ll be an adult soon. You’ve already done a better job than I have.” Jenna smiles feebly. Her gums are dry and pale. “You’ll protect him. You don’t need me.”

 

“I do though,” Elena moans. She can’t lose more family. It can’t just be her and Jeremy. “Being a vampire means heightened emotions. This guilt. It’s all it is. Once you transition, you won’t feel so terrible. You’ll feel better.”

 

Shuffling in, Stefan surprises her. She’s on the verge of tears. Letting it all wash away until she’s lost floating in the misery. He’s always grounded her before and now, despite all the confusion with Katherine, all she wants is to feel his touch. To be comforted by him. Her body molds to his familiar shape. Takes his scent into her lungs and lets it flow through her bloodstream. “Will you please talk to her? Make her understand how it could be.”

 

---

 

The sun remains a hint through the trees when Elena goes outside to sit with John’s letter. She thumbs the jagged patterns of his words. Aches to understand this fracture in her family. It would have all been so easy if she had been the one to die. A world where Jenna goes back to school and John takes in Jeremy fades from possibility. They are left with the worst outcome now.

 

Bonnie takes a seat next to her on the porch and for a few seconds, neither of them speak. But even through the silence, Elena can feel Bonnie’s heart.

 

“He wanted to do this for you. To protect you.” Bonnie’s face is open, unabashed, when Elena glances over to her. “I know you think you needed to sacrifice yourself, but you didn’t. It wasn’t just on you. It’s not fair to everyone who loves you.”

 

“I could have ended it all last night. But now he’s out there.”

 

“Let him be out there then. That doesn’t matter. You matter.” Bonnie grabs Elena’s free hand and shakes it in her fist. “You being home and being my best friend. I didn’t want to lose you either. Who cares what Klaus does out in the world? Screw him.” There’s true anger in the words but underneath that is fear. Fear of having lost a friend. Losing one.

 

It would feel satisfying to focus on Klaus. On vengeance. Pour all this fear and rage into a single moment where she rips the life out of his chest. But she can’t lose another person. And neither can Bonnie. The plan has failed. She has to live with that. There’s no other option now. Klaus is far too powerful now and she has no other weapons to use against him.  

 

“I love you.” Elena wraps her arms around Bonnie with the truth before whispering a convincing lie into her ear. “Thank you for saving me.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

---

 

Everyone around her seems to think she’d adult enough to handle this, but she’s not. Ultimately, Jenna chooses not to transition. They get more time to say goodbye but it’s not enough. There’s never enough time for goodbyes. They bury her at the same time as John. Three Gilberts and a Sommers. Ric tried until the very end. There were a few moments when it seemed like Jenna would cave but then she’d get this far away look in her eyes. Nothing else could be said. She’d simply had enough. And if this was enough to break her, then Elena didn’t want to put her through more.

 

The sun is too bright for a day like today. Almost offensive how cheerful it feels. Spring was giving way to Summer and it didn’t care about their heartache. Jeremy holds her tight but even in his embrace she can’t help but feel like this should be her. If she had died then this all would have been right. Jeremy would have had both John and Jenna who would guide him through his grief. They would have all taken care of each other. Elena doesn’t understand how broken things are meant to care for broken things.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk her out of it.”

 

“It’s okay. I’m just glad Damon didn’t try to force blood on her.” Silence between them is uncomfortable and punctuated only by the sound of Stefan’s sharp exhale. Elena studies his face and, unable to find what she needs there, she asks her question. “Why did you do it? You knew Jenna was going to be okay. Why try to save Katherine after all she’s done to us?”

 

He holds the answer like a lit match. Until it burns him.

 

“I felt so helpless. When I heard about Jenna – I just wanted to help in any way I could. You were going to be a new vampire. You needed as much family around as you could get.” Stefan stands there in his suit, his body gone stark still like he’s afraid to move. He refuses to look at her. “And then when I figured out he was using Katherine…I don’t know maybe in way it felt like saving you. I saw the fear in her eyes and it made me think about what she must have been like as a human. Before becoming a vampire. Maybe it’s stupid but I just wanted to save that person. Who she was before Klaus got to her.”

 

“And you would have left me alone.”

 

Now, he looks at her. Briefly. She can’t discern this expression before he’s kissing her. Fiercely. Like the sun, this too feels offensive but she embraces it. Begs for him to consume her with every soft moan of discord. She’s tired of thinking and planning and being. She wants him to swallow her whole so she’ll never have to think again. Maybe, if she kisses him hard enough, she can forget about that night and the dissatisfaction in his answer.

 

“I will never leave you alone again, okay?” He kisses her again, slower this time. Relishing in it without noticing how little enjoyment she takes in it. “I promise. I will always be here for you.”

 

Their foreheads lean against one another. In her periphery, she spots Damon lingering like a specter. “It looks like your brother wants you.”

 

“I’ll meet you back at your house.”

 

It never happens.

 

---

 

People come and go to pay their respects but never Stefan. The part of her that is relieved for the reprieve of his attention drowns out any of her worry. She’ll see him tomorrow when she can mold her face into one happier to see him.  The one that adores his heroism and desire to save anyone, good or bad. She can’t seem to find that face today.

 

---

 

It’s midnight before Caroline leaves. The rest of the guests are long gone. Ric is drunk on the couch. After an hour of waiting for Elena to fall asleep, Bonnie sneaks out of her room to go to Jeremy’s down the hall. She does try to sleep. At first, it’s easy to blame her restlessness on the day. But her stomach growls a complaint. Her footsteps are soft against the hardwood floors, creeping through the dark to avoid waking Ric. To the kitchen, intent on making a snack. Something easy. Crackers and peanut butter, but there’s a pound of beef in the fridge and even though she’s not sure how long it’s been there, she’s certain it smells good.

 

The stove clicks to life. It sizzles with the heat and oil. Elena stands over it, poised to dump the beef into the pan but she can’t. She squeezes the package and the juice drips off her fingers to disappear in the heat of the skillet. Flames extinguish as she turns off the stove and stands there in the dark. Curiously, she pinches the raw meat between her fingers and stares at it in the moonlight.

 

All she can do is wet her lips.   

Notes:

I hope you enjoy this work! I've written a bit ahead and plan to post bi-monthly on Thursdays to stay on a schedule. I'll be adding tags as I think of them, but overall this will hopefully be an introspective fic about what happens when the monster crawls inside your skin.

Chapter 2: Put Your Hands into the Water

The forest had often been shelter from his father during the worst of his moods. There was refuge amongst the trees. It had been the worst pain to have that safety carved out of his chest. She’d left him empty and weak against the man he feared above all others. It was a mercy to kill her. If she could only see him now.

 

Massive paws sink into the mud. Golden eyes alert and ears flick at every noise. Snout ruts deep in a deer’s gut. The blood is hot on his skin, darkening his fur in the moonlight. It’s been a few days and Elijah is steadfast in his insistence on following Klaus through the woods. Acting as his shadow. It dampens his desire to return to his human body. Anything to avoid Elijah’s expectant tone. Already he can feel his brother’s perpetual need for answers radiating off his skin.

 

In this form, his instincts are sharper. The wind changes and Klaus can understand the surprise of a hare as it narrowly evades the snapping jaws of a fox. It comes to him in heartbeats and sweat. The wolf knows how close Klaus had come to death. A flash of warning in that strange dread. It was cold and certain. A premonition of impending doom as he’d rejoiced in his doppelganger’s final breath.

 

Perhaps it had been the scent of the Bennett witch stalking through the forest or the familiar footsteps of his brother. Whatever had alerted him in that moment, it was the wolf who understood it. Klaus lifts his dripping maw into the wind and catches Elijah’s cologne. He’s hesitant to leave this form. The wolf knows so much and he yearns to understand it all.

 

Klaus sinks his teeth back into the deer’s ribboned stomach and plunges further into the wolf’s perspective.

 

---

 

Almost an hour ago, Jeremy had left to pick up Bonnie for the movie in town square. He’d offered to stay behind but it was been a relief to see him go. The last few days have felt heavy with the weight of their expectations. The stretch of their smiles a little too wide and the shine in their eyes as they look for familiarity in the person they love. She doesn’t want to disappoint but the work was becoming exhausting.

 

The house is quiet as night settles through the hallways. The muscles in her face ache as she rubs the shadow of a smile out of her cheeks. When she passes by Jenna’s bedroom door, she can hear her aunt insisting that she’ll be fine alone but there’s never been a time when that was true. Her entire life, Elena had always been surrounded by friends and it had never felt like a performance until last year. She’s not certain she can survive another year on method acting alone.  

 

“Come on, Elena.” Caroline mock whines on the other end of the line. “There will be so many people there. Wear a hoodie or something.”

 

“You know I can’t.” Elena switches her phone to the other ear before she picks up the knife. “I wish I could, but I can’t risk leaving the house right now. Not even for a movie.”

 

Safety is a convenient lie.

 

“But it’s Gone with the Wind! It’s not just a movie, it’s a film.” The way Caroline dramatizes the last word would have drawn a smile out of Elena, but not today.. She makes an apologetic hum as she situates the cutting board. “It doesn’t even make sense. You left the house for the funerals. What makes this any different?”

 

In the aftermath of tragedy, no one warns you of the grating impatience you’ll feel from everyone. To get over your parents’ death or to get back to normal. To stop being so sad all the time. They want you to be the fun, carefree girl again and if it were only so simple, Elena would comply. She tried. She’s trying. But she never imagined life beyond Klaus once it was clear he’d found her. Her parents had done all they could to protect her in this town, but it wasn’t enough and it had become her job to protect them all. She’d failed them. 

 

“Oh my god!” Caroline starts suddenly and Elena assumes Bonnie must already be there next to her, nudging her. “Was that insensitive? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“It’s fine.” Elena slices aggressively into the raw cut of beef. Her body feels tight, yanked to what feels right and polite and weighed down at having to fake her happiness around them. The words are formed in her mouth before she has a chance to swallow them. Years of polite manners being hammered into her have made them second nature. “What if everyone came here and watched it?”

 

There’s a long pause on the other end. Elena sets the knife down next to a pile of steak shredded into long strips. A pan sits on the oven but the burner isn’t on. It’s a farce. She has no intention of cooking the meat. Unless her friends take her up on the offer. Then she’ll improvise.  She regrets extending the invite.

 

“Maybe another night? Sorry!” Caroline sounds like she’s saying it as much to Bonnie as she is to Elena. “It’s just that Matt is going to be here and I was hoping he’d at least talk to me. You understand?”

 

“Of course. We’ll do it another night.”

 

After she hangs up, Elena stares at the plate of sirloin strips. On the night of the funerals, she’d tossed the ground beef into the trash and fled to the safety of her bedroom. But she still thought about it. And the knot in her stomach had only grown in the ensuing days. She listens to the sounds around her. Slow hum of car engines and the distant shouts of children playing, but no Alaric surprising her by coming home from the bars early.

 

The strips of meat are pliable between her fingers. Juices collect in her nail bed and she swallows a growing mouthful of saliva. It’s a curiosity. It will go away the minute she indulges it. Tentatively, she bites down on the meat and any thought that the desire would be quelled once she gave into it is banished. The texture is strange but the taste overrides any trepidation. It’s potent and she drowns in the flavor. Moaning as she gnaws on it, relishing in the friction between her fingers as her nails dig into the steak. The plate is empty but the emptiness inside her has only roared to life. 

 

Meat juice runs down the plate as she hovers over the sink, ready to wash away the evidence. Her mouth hangs open. She scans the room to ensure she’s still alone and then her finger darts out to swipe at the juice like it’s leftover brownie mix. Pops it into her mouth before she can reconsider and swirls the liquid around her tongue, salivating at the taste. Tonight will be the one night she gives in to this insanity. Tomorrow will be easier.

 

When Elena catches sight of her reflection in the darkened kitchen window, the room begins to spin behind her. Her mouth is a smear of glistening red like when she got into her mother’s make up as a child. The back of her neck sweats and her skin prickles with goose flesh. Disgust manifests from her gut and she stumbles away from the sink. Her body is too hot. Guilt and revulsion are a powerful cocktail that she needs to slip out of her skin to escape. As Elena climbs the stairs to her room, she strips away layer after layer of clothing. There is momentary relief as air touches her naked skin but it’s not enough.

 

Cold, prickling water hits her as she kneels in the tub, nearly panting. Trying to keep the contents of her stomach from working their way up her throat. Wet hair clings to the side of her face and she squeezes her eyes shut so hard that stars are born in the darkness. The meat settles into her stomach. The wave of heat is chased away. Elena is left leaning back on her knees to let the water rain down her face. The cold is no longer a relief but by the time she realizes it, she’s gone too numb to care. Water washes away the blood and tears.

 

It's a curse. The magic of her blood had gifted her with an incomparable arrow and she hadn’t drawn back the string far enough for the killing blow. Whatever was happening now is a punishment for not dying.

 

---

 

Elena studies her face in the mirror, tilting her chin and examining the neat puncture wounds on her neck. Damp hair begins to curl against her chest but she doesn’t reach for the blow dryer. Her body vibrates with restlessness though her brain is too exhausted to keep up. Water dripping off her curls reminds her that her body exists in this space. She returns to the dark of her room the familiar hunch of Stefan’s shoulders.

 

“Where have you been?” The question flavors like an accusation and seeing him with that contrite expression is all the permission she needs to launch it at him. “After the funeral. You never came over.”

 

“I’m sorry.” His arms wrap around her body with the weight of comfort and chains. “You’re so warm, Elena.”

 

She could melt into him and willingly close the door behind her to all her lingering questions. Katherine and how quick he was to save her out of some notion of righteousness. Was he aware when he offered his life that he’d be taking it from her? Her hands gravitate along his back and she wants to pretend that he had come over after the funeral. Forget about the gnawing hunger and –

 

“Hot shower.” Elena pulls away but he holds her in place. Tension works knots in his jaws and his lips are held tight. “What’s wrong?”

 

“That night – Damon was bit. Tyler was in the middle of changing and he doesn’t have much time.” Her spinal fluid is replaced by ice. Damon’s earlier desperation for forgiveness slotted into context. Begging for absolution in her living room and her unwillingness to give it to him. Stefan generously misreads her guilt for concern. “Listen, Elena. I’m not going to let anything happen to him. We’re going to find a cure.”

 

“How? There is none. Rose would have known if there was.” Her chest feels tight. It’s too soon. There’s too much to process. The world would do her a service if it would stay still for a day or two while she figured herself out. “Rose was smart. She would have known.”

 

“The witches gave us a lead.”

 

“Wait, us?”

 

“Bonnie helped.” Words, which were once a mantra, now tainted by how they could betray her. Stefan doesn’t notice the way her body freezes at them now. “She contacted her ancestors again. Emily gave me a name. I’m going to track it down.”

 

“He’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

 

A reassuring kiss is the only thing she can think to give. Despite the blossom of resentment growing in her stomach, Elena’s instinct is to comfort him. But the kiss wails into a feverish need. She’d only meant for them to be comforting but her body hums when he touches her. A burning ember of frustration finding purchase in lust. First her arms and then her back. The towel falls to the floor. He leans her onto the bed and her legs part as welcome his thigh as he stands above her.

 

A familiar position between them becomes suffocating as he lingers there. It’s all too slow. Her muscles become taut as she fights the urge to mount him. Bite into him. Curl her fingers into his chest until they come away bloody. The thoughts flash vividly in her mind with every gasp he pulls from her lips. It’s a battle to restrain them. Be present with him. Her hands claw into his hair. His body bucks. She buries her face against his neck. Tries to satiate the desire with his pulse against her lips.

 

She resists and sees no stars when Stefan rolls off her.  

 

---

 

Afterwards, Elena curls her body against his chest as Stefan plays with the ends of her hair. Burrowing in his side feels like she could dig her way out of the earth and emerge as the girl he loves. “You know, we still have the rest of the summer left before school starts again. Maybe I could come with you? Help you find the cure for Damon?”

 

“You can’t.”

 

“Why not? I’m a great road trip buddy.” She teases, lightly digging her fingers into the sensitive skin at his ribs. She needs him to laugh. If he laughs, then maybe she can figure out which direction to dig to reach the surface. Instead of guiding her, he offers a sobering expression instead and she feels the dirt move in heavier on her chest. “Seriously? Why not?”

 

“The name the witches gave me…it’s Klaus.”

 

Elena shifts away from Stefan, drawing her leg back to her side. Hating the way her naked body feels against his now. She’s too open. Too exposed. Vulnerable to all the conspiring they’ve done without her. Stefan invokes that name – in her room, in her bed, in the aftermath of being inside her – and she no longer feels safe. Her heart drops. And she understands in screaming clarity that he’d only ever come back to say goodbye.

 

---

 

Elijah’s body sprawls out on the dingy carpet in an equally depressing apartment. It’s undignified but Klaus isn’t feeling particularly generous. He meditates on his brother’s hands for any sign of life, slipping Elijah’s fingers between his own. Klaus estimates another hour before the dagger is pushed out of his heart enough for his brother to revive. Long before that happens, Klaus will dip it in his dwindling supply of white oak ash and put Elijah down for good. In an hour, Klaus will feel more generous and arrange Elijah with dignity in his coffin before storing him with the rest.

 

He needs another witch now that Greta is dead. He wouldn’t mind one he could whirl into his orbit with a facsimile of love. It binds them tighter but it also makes them careless in their attention. Already, he yearns for that first hybrid, a trusted lieutenant. Klaus won’t even begin considering releasing his family from their coffins until then.

 

“You’re a bold one.” Klaus swirls a drink in his hand.  

 

Stefan stands in the entryway of the sad history teacher’s apartment. At least it’s the right Salvatore this time. “I’m here about my brother.”

 

“Don’t push your luck. I’ve already killed your girlfriend.” This version of his old companion frustrates him. He wears the mask of a man he once loved but all these self-sacrificing bits underneath are wrong. He’s committed the worse offense possible – becoming dull. “I’m willing to let Damon live. For now.”

 

The only thing that interests him about this version of Stefan is how he was pulled into his doppelganger’s. Auspicious signs that the star aligned. Klaus doesn’t know how to read them yet, but he recognizes the importance.

 

“He’s dying. Werewolf venom. I know your blood is the cure.”

 

“Am I to be moved by this?” Klaus’s movements are feline and languid, but there’s enough intrigue to peel his gaze permanently from Elijah.

 

“He’s my only family left.” Stefan steps forward, full of hope and wanting. Into the devil’s den with the sweetest words he could ever say. “I’ll give you anything.”

 

“I leave town tomorrow.” Klaus relaxes into the chair, invitingly with his legs spread and his shoulders at ease. “It’s my intention to track down a wolf pack.”

 

“I could help with that.”

 

Klaus grins at the over-eager way Stefan jumps at the proposal. As if it would be so simple. He waves his hand dismissively. “You’re no good to me the way you are. Altruistic to the point of suicide. Dying in Katerina’s place. How much foolishness can exist in one man’s body?” He scoffs at the memory of her pulsing with fear in his arms. Unlike his doppelganger. “What if you throw yourself in front of a werewolf to end it all? Then where am I? And that guilt you wear around your neck like a noose. You aren’t exactly my ideal company.”

 

There isn’t much Stefan can say to refute this, which is exactly where Klaus wants him. He stands, stepping over his brother’s body to get to the other vampire. Close enough to let his voice go low and intimate. “But I did once hear rumors of a very intriguing vampire. Wiped out an entire town in Mexico. They called him the Ripper. That is a vampire I could call my companion.”

 

“That’s not who I am anymore.” When Stefan grinds his jaw tight, Klaus resists the urge to drag his finger across the sharp line of it. He wants to cut himself along the edge of it and watch Stefan lap up the blood but they’ll have time for it all later.

 

“Dig deep, Stefan. Find a way back to him.” Klaus shrugs as though this were inconsequential to him. “If Damon’s life means so much to you, then I’m certain you’ll figure it out.”

 

He can feel Stefan’s eyes tracking him as he sways into the kitchen Relishes in the attention. He slides a blood bag across the kitchen island. Waiting for Stefan to step away from this false life and return, once more, to his side. It doesn’t take long. When you have forever, nothing really does. Stefan bites into the bag and eyes Klaus reproachfully, but he knows that resentment is only a few steps away from passion. It’s a delight to watch him consume bag after bag. Stefan’s exquisite agony is a wonderful appetizer to the promise if the man he’s about to become.

 

“I want fifty years, Stefan. Not with you. With him.” Klaus grins as Stefan’s breathing grows heavier. The sounds are not unlike those from countless nights years ago. “Give me that and I’ll give you your brother.”

 

It’s a fair trade. As fair as Klaus is ever willing to be.

 

---

 

Blue light washes across the walls in her bedroom, refusing to let her sleep. Elena’s fingers glide over her laptop, clicking through different tabs while scanning useless information. There are thousands of life-after-death accounts on the internet from people trying to sell a seminar. But all they talk about is clarity in a higher power and the last time Elena had attended a typical service was when her parents were still alive. Story after story of people detailing a rebirth that left them free of their past vices dull her senses. Her rebirth wasn’t as kind and none of the accounts mention insatiable hunger or debilitating hot flashes.  

 

Her phone buzzes on top of the dresser and she watches it like a snake until it goes silent, curling in on itself while it prepares for another strike. There’s no one she wants to talk to now. Not Stefan who is so keep to abandon her. Or Bonnie who conspired with John behind her back to save her. Not Caroline who exhausts her or Jeremy whose joy makes her feel that much more empty.

 

It’s easy to avoid them while the threat of Klaus in town looms over their heads. After he leaves, she won’t have that convenience. These feelings make her sick. She slides further into her bed, under the sheets, and continues to ignore the persistent buzzing of her phone.

 

Until that stops being an option because the vibration has been replaced by her door bursting open. Buzzing now Bonnie shouting her name. It’s nothing she can ignore and it pulls her through the halls and down the stairs until the sight of her brother’s mangled body stops her from stepping foot into the living room.

 

“Elena! What the hell?” Bonnie’s exhale is shaky and unsteady. She stands back while Alaric positions Jeremy’s body on the couch. “We’ve been calling you.”

 

“What happened to him?”

 

“It was – oh god – it was – Damon – awful.” Her words come out broken up only to be re-started again and again. “Caroline’s mom thought it would be a great idea to break in and arrest Damon but all she did was let him out of his cell. She’s in the hospital now but –.”

 

“Oh my god. Is she okay?”

 

“She’s fine. More or less. Damon really hurt her. Her leg is shattered. I think her hip too.” Terrible choking noises from her friend ease Elena’s shock and pull her the rest of the way into the room. Bonnie sounds tired and depleted. “Damon isn’t well. He’s hallucinating. We cornered him at the Grill but he was so much faster than I’ve ever seen him. He’d…”

 

She looks down at Jeremy and covers her mouth, unable to continue. Alaric pulls a throw blanket over Jeremy’s chest and throat, stepping back lightly as if afraid of waking up. “Damon ripped out Jeremy’s throat before any of us could stop him. Caroline pulled him off but it was already too late. It’s lucky he’s wearing his ring. Tonight could have been much worse.”

 

“He was out of his mind.” Bonnie whispers, pinching her bottom lip between her fingers.  “The venom must have messed with his pain receptors. My magic barely did a thing.”

 

Alaric collapses in a chair, hand twitching. “We’ll need to stake him before he gets out of hand again.”

 

“Stefan’s getting the cure.” Elena folds her arms protectively across her chest.

 

“From where?” Alaric looks from one to the other. “I thought there was no cure.”

 

Elena studies Bonnie’s contorted face and pinched lips until she turns to Alaric to offer him the explanation. “Stefan came to me and asked me to connect my ancestors. They gave us a name. A lead to follow for the cure.”

 

“It’s Klaus. Stefan’s gone to get the cure from Klaus.” Jeremy begins to move, subtle jerks in his leg. Elena doesn’t know if she’ll ever completely trust the ring, but it’s a relief to know he wears it. But that doesn’t mean she wants to be in this room when he wakes up. She doesn’t need him suffocating her anger again. “Who’s with Damon right now?”

 

“Caroline. She offered to watch him.” Bonnie’s eyebrows furrow together, watching Elena cross the living room to get her keys. “Where are you going?”

 

“Her mom’s in the hospital. She should be with her right now. I’ll go watch Damon.”

 

There’s no argument about her leaving and it makes it that much easier to go. This resentment is unfair. She doesn’t want to carry it. Wants to be relieved that her life was spared but it only tastes bitter. The one thing that hasn’t changed is how the night feels as it shrouds her on the drive to the Boarding House. How calm she feels in the moonlight, free and unchained from the expectations that hound her during the day.

 

---

 

“It’s not your responsibility to be here until the end.” Caroline follows her through the house, nipping at her heels. Urging her to leave but underneath the annoyance, there is a glimmer of sympathy in Caroline’s eyes. “I can do it. My mom was stable and talking before surgery. She’ll be in under for a few hours and Damon is …awful. But he did save me and Tyler. I can stay and watch him.”

 

“Stefan will get the cure.” Elena shakes off Caroline’s offer. “I know he will. I’ll get a ride home with him when he does. I appreciate it, though.”  

 

Caroline lingers by the bedroom door briefly with her nose wrinkled. It doesn’t take long before she gives up and vanishes. Elena doesn’t blame her. Even she can smell the sickly-sweet rot on Damon now. He groans and rolls into the curve of her body, murmuring her name. Elena settles into the stack of pillows and rests a syringe of vervain against her thigh.

 

He’s sweaty and a little pathetic with his moaning. She knows he’s in pain but she also knows he doesn’t tolerate it well in the best of circumstances. But she prefers him this way; stripped of the pretense and haughty smirking that masks his humanity. The person she knows lives beneath the performance. He’s impulsive and controlling but she understands the lengths he will go to so that he doesn’t have to lose someone. He’s a man who would risk Klaus’s wrath to save her friends and delay the sacrifice long enough to fix his mistake. Damon tries to pretend he doesn’t care but his humanity bleeds through when he drops the act.

 

“There’s still hope.” She cradles him into her chest like a child, brushing her fingers through his hair. It feels good to not be the delicate thing for once. To hold another person and find her strength there in the comfort. “Stefan has been trying so hard to find a way to save you. And he never gives up.”

 

“I deserve this. All the choices I’ve made. Everything I’ve done. It’s all led me here.” Damon’s eyes are heavy-lidded. His lips chapped and dry. He looks up at her, begging for her protest. “I deserve to die.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“You’re wrong, Elena.” Damon snorts, digging his heels in. Never letting anything be easy. “Katherine and me. We were cut from the same cloth. You can only screw over so many people before it catches up to you. I guess like everything else, she was just better at running from it than I was. But it finds you in the end.”

 

“This isn’t your end.”

 

“All I ever thought about was chasing her. Being with her.” Damon’s hand rests against her stomach, weakly rolling the excess fabric of the polo shirt between his fingers. He adjusts his hand and moves in closer to her. The comfort sours and she no longer feels strong. “I’m glad I never really caught her. Because it led me to knowing you. That made it all worth it.”

 

“Damon.”

 

“I hurt you so much, Elena. Before I knew you and even once I did – How could you ever forgive me?”

 

“It’s okay, Damon.” She tries to smile through the fear that Stefan won’t make it in time and the discomfort of Damon’s hands clutching at her stomach. He’s looking worse and sweating through his clothes, but he’s still so strong. Everywhere their bodies touch is now damp. “I forgive you.”

 

She wants to give him this – the absolution he needs to feel at peace. A parlay to get her shirt back and create a little space between them.

 

“I know you love Stefan. I know it will always be him. It should. He’s the better brother.” Damon grabs her hand and clings to her. Somewhere the syringe falls forgotten to the floor. “But I love you. It doesn’t matter if you love me back, because I do.”

 

“I know.”

 

Elena slides down in the bed to get on his level. To give him her full attention, holding his hand as firm as she can so he knows how much she does care. It puts her on his level but it gives her back more control of her own body.

 

“I wish it was you in 1864. You would have liked me then. Before everything.” Damon drops her hand in favor of playing with slightly matted strands of her hair. She hadn’t had time to shower. Not that he seems to mind. And then he absolutely breaks her heart. Looks up at her and sighs. “I would have been safe with you.”

 

“You’re with me now.” Dread begins to strangle any of her remaining optimism. His voice is so shallow and weak that she can’t imagine he has much time left. She has no magic or power to ease his pain. She’s useless. Too human to help.

 

Gently, she dabs at the sweat on his brow with the back of her hand. Leans down and presses her lips gently against his. It’s the only thing she can think to do and it’s not entirely unpleasant as far as death kisses go. His breath is hot and his lips are cold and dry. She wants him to understand. He’s loved and not alone. This is the only magic she can muster.

 

Anyone deserves that.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

“Don’t worry.” Stefan clears his throat from the open doorway. His smile caught between a grimace as he holds up a vial of blood. “You won’t have to say goodbye yet.”

 

“Stefan?” Her heart leaps into her throat. Surprise and shame are a powerful cocktail. She plies her body out of Damon’s hold and slides out of bed. “What is it?”

 

“Klaus’s blood. Conveniently the cure for a werewolf bite.” Stefan brushes past her, careful not to look at her. Damon doesn’t say anything. Not when his brother tilts the vial into his mouth and not when he walks out of the room.

 

“Stefan, that wasn’t –.” Elena follows him. Her concern no longer for the dying brother but the one who looked at her as if he might.

 

“No, I get it. A goodbye kiss. All he had to do was die to get one out of you.” Stefan’s jaw is pronounced and his lips are a tight line. The creeping edge of sarcasm is unwelcome if not warranted. He wants to flee and he’s more than capable. But he lingers. “I have to go.”

 

“Stefan. Stefan!” Every declaration of his name is punctuated with another step down the stairs. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

 

“What’s going on? Really, Elena.” His eyes have gone black when he turns on her. His lips peel back to desperation. “You wanna know? I lost count of how many blood bags I drained before Klaus gave me a vial of his blood. Human blood, Elena! And I came home as soon as I could hoping that I still had time. To say goodbye. And that image? Not a great goodbye.”

 

She’s intent on maintaining eye contact with him. Refusing to look at the signs. His disheveled hair or the blood on his collar. Certainly not the way he holds his shoulders as though he teeters on the edge of devouring her. She focuses on him. Willing him to understand what it meant and what it could never mean. “He was dying, Stefan. I thought he was going to be gone forever and I just – I just wanted to make sure he felt loved one last time.”

 

“Doesn’t feel any better having seen it.”

 

“I know.” He relaxes. Let’s her cup his face in her hands until it soothes away the inky black veins under his eyes until all that’s left is haunting green. Elena relaxes too until she remembers. “Wait, what did you mean? Say goodbye?”

 

“Klaus doesn’t give away anything for free. He wanted fifty years.”

 

“Fifty…” The number doesn’t even sound real.

 

The room darkens around her until it’s only his reticent smile. She can feel him slipping through her fingers the same way Jenna left. Insisting that she’ll be better off without him. That she can handle it all and that life will go back to normal once he leaves with Klaus. But she can’t even remember normal. And if she could, she worries normal would kill her at this point. She’s too far gone to back and he can’t pretend that leaving will do anything except break her heart. Pieces of her tear away from her body and shatter along the stairs to the foyer as she trails after him. Caught on every word that insists this is for the best.

 

“You’ll forget about me.”

 

“And if I can’t?”

 

He’d spent so long getting under her skin. Stefan lives there now no matter where he goes. She’ll carry him with her for the rest of her life as she grows thin on the hope of seeing him again. Stefan tosses his bags in the trunk and shuts her out at the same time.

 

“Take care of my brother.” Stefan glances at her, his lip quivers but he looks back to the steering wheel. “You make him a better person.”

 

Sacrifice as a love language sprouts thorns and bramble between them. Elena’s knees hit the driveway and the pain of it is satisfying. It’s a spotlight in the numb fog the rest of her body can’t shake. Fifty years will make her a different woman. She’ll have lived a lifetime without him. He might as well be dead like Jenna or John. And she’ll age on bittersweet memories. If this gnawing hunger doesn’t kill her first.

 

---

 

With Elijah secured and stored, the warehouse sounds hollow by the time Stefan arrives with a pathetic, lost puppy expression plastered on his face. This will be a grueling fifty years if he insists on being morose throughout their entire affair.  

 

“It takes a great deal of effort to care for unstable relatives. When decades become centuries, the work begins to feel monotonous. Doing what is best for them. You’ve seen to your brother?” Klaus slides the coffin into place on the shelf as Stefan nods absently. “Very good. I’ve brought you a present.”

 

There’s a delicious hint of fear in his eyes. Klaus aims to chisel away the soft edges of Stefan’s raw marble into the awe-inspiring monster that lurks beneath the surface. Trapped by the weak bars of humanity. Rebekah had loved him for his adoration and soft lips, but Klaus loved him for his sharp mind. All he had to do was tempt him enough to break free from his self-imposed cage. The trembling young woman between them should rattle those chains.  

 

“Go on, Stefan.” Klaus slides his arm over the girl’s shoulder, dragging her companionably to his side. “You wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

 

His friend stalks toward them and Klaus’s heart jumps with anticipation. There’s an acceptance and desire underneath the resentment. He knows that this battle is easily won with time. Stefan bites down and the girl screams. Wriggles in Klaus’s arm but soon he’s at the other side of her throat, working at the muscles in tandem with Stefan.

 

Pawing at her shirt in an urgency to feed, Stefan soon has his fingers digging into her chest. Blood pours down either side of her mouth. Klaus watches Stefan slowly rip her in half with his vigor. Gurgling fills the room like music as Klaus follows the line of Stefan’s arm into her chest. Straight to her heart. Her breathing has gone raspy and ragged. Their fingers intertwine in the basin of her lungs, washing in the cooling blood.

 

This is illicit in ways Klaus could have never orchestrated. Feeding from this body and holding each other in the frenzy. All while Stefan doesn’t recall an ounce of their history. It’s romantic, restoring the truth to him through this careful courtship. Klaus’s free hand no longer supports the girl but has wandered to clutch a handful of Stefan’s hair. No longer interested in this facsimile when he has the real thing in front of him.

 

Through the blood haze, Stefan looks to Klaus and drops the body to the ground. For a second, Klaus anticipates a kiss. Red lips a daring contrast with Stefan’s light eyes. But then panic sets in. Stefen extricates himself out of Klaus’s embrace in frantic, twitching movements. Disappears down the dark corridor followed by awful retching noises.

 

Fifty years is long enough. Stefan will come around by then. Klaus is certain.

Notes:

Thank you for reading! And Happy New Year for those of you reading in the present. For those of you reading in the future....Happy Day??