Chapter Text
NATALIE'S POINT OF VIEW
it all started during my junior year of high school.
going through the motions, for awhile life seemed to just be a blur. days would blend in together. i stuck myself with the people who others called druggies, burnouts, whatever the fuck.
i'd smoke away to try and escape what i knew as my life, to try to feel something, or i guess nothing at the same time.
i had felt dull for so long. like i didn't know where i was going. i was not living. just existing. like a damn paper bag within the wind. for such a long time it was always just me and my head.
but something happened to me, and it's all because of lottie fucking matthews.
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
the bell rang loudly throughout the entire school, and even though it had just rang, i dashed out of the building like i was late to be home. i was making my way towards my ragged car, when somebody pulled me by the shoulder.
"natalie," a voice spoke from behind me. i turned to see shauna, all by herself, in her usual gaywad flannel attire. i've always noticed flannel was her main thing, and it made her seem extra gay the way it was the only thing she'd rock on a daily basis.
"what's with it, shipman?" although all i wanted to do was lay down and rot in my bed, there was no point in giving any attitude to shauna. once i joined the yellowjacket's girls soccer team sophmore year, i guess you could say shauna and i became friends in a way. she is definitely a book nerd by definition, but we had similar tastes in music which was something that brought us together.
throughout high school i found myself simply sticking to nobody, of course there were some people i had considered friends, but nothing special. over the past few months though, shauna and i had gotten somewhat close. we'd hang out and sometimes she'd drag me to her lunch table, where all the girl's from the soccer team sat together.
"jackie's throwing a little party for our win last week— later tonight. and of course i'm telling you now because you better be there. it's our first official win of the season."
it hasn't been that long since the school year started, but throwing a party just cause we won a stupid little soccer game? that sounded like jackie taylor. i only ever joined because i knew sports would keep me occupied.
the idea of being surrounded by a bunch of drunk losers, guys who are only there to find some fun with girls they won't bother to really get to know.. that's not fun at all to me.
but the alcohol, weed, on the other hand.. that's the only thing that'd get me going.
she's never thrown a party before, so i kind of just assumed it wouldn't be that many people, but oh boy was i wrong. i should've never underestimated jackie's popularity.
shauna begins to smirk as she noticed my pondering expression. "there's gonna be a shit load of alcohol, by the way."
"maybe i'll be there, maybe i won't. i don't know if i'm really feeling up for that today."
today was kind of draining, so honestly making up my mind was pretty damn hard.
"no, you're going. i'm picking you up at eight." shauna says, as if i don't have a choice regarding my own feelings.
i rolled my eyes and opened up the door to my car, putting the keys in to start the ignition.
"whatever, i'll see you then."
"that's what i thought." she flashes me a cheeky grin, before walking off towards the opposite direction.
i let out a small sigh before driving off.
at least i have the chance to get completely fucked up.
once i settled at home, i plopped down to my bed and it wasn't long until my eyes began to to fail on me, the weight of my eyelids beginning to fight the urge to stay awake. i ended up sleeping for a couple of hours, my hand still holding onto my phone.
i was only awoken because of the blasting audio of my ringtone. shauna was calling. i peeped the time, 8:45, realizing i had overslept a little bit. i picked up the phone to shauna basically yelling at me from the other end.
"hey—" my voice was a little dry and dehydrated, but i still managed to croak out a word until shauna abruptly cut me off.
"did you forget what i told you earlier??! come outside you little raccoon— i've been waiting out here for like more than half an hour."
my free hand immediately found it's way onto my face, wiping my eyes to try and get myself to wake up more.
"i'm.. coming, just give me ten alright?" i quickly hopped off my bed and towards my closet, tossing random clothes onto my bed as i could not care less about what to wear. i found myself a water bottle laying on the ground and took a quick swig.
"have you been sleeping??? bitch, i can hear it in your voice. sounds like you've been hibernating for the winter."
i let out a little huff, this bitch is on my back for no reason. maybe she just wants to see jackie oh so badly. "okay, byee, i'm coming down soon!" i hung up the phone without letting shauna get another word in, and with that i began to get ready.
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
"y'know, earlier today i saw a hickey on laura lee's neck. wasn't completely noticeable as it seemed like she was trying to hide it with her hair, but i saw." shauna beamed. she wasn't much of a gossip girl, but when it came to our teammates, that was a different story completely.
i was in the middle of lighting myself a cigarette, humming at the tunes of a song by nirvana as they blasted through the sound system.
i took a quick drag before exhaling. "you think she's met a new guy?" i questioned. i've probably spoken to laura lee twice this entire year. we just don't really have anything in common, not that i have anything against her or anything like that.
"please, you never noticed how her and lottie always have lingering eyes for each other? now, lottie's never said anything to me about that, neither has laura lee, but i've got a feelin' in my balls that they've got something going on."
i let out a small chuckle, "if you had balls you'd confess your undying love for jackie. let's be real for a moment here."
shauna glances at me with an irritated look. "not funny," she says sternly. although shauna and i haven't been friends for that long, she's gotten comfortable enough to confide in me. been best friends with that ditsy blonde since they were little, always been in love with her yet has never had the guts to say so. although i'd never say it, the way they both look at each other makes me believe it's not so one sided the way shauna thinks it is.
"lottie and laure lee? seriously?" i try to flip the subject back to lottie and laura lee, as i can tell shauna isn't in the mood to talk about her feelings right now.
"listen, i've been speculating for awhile. there's always longing touches between them, glances that go on for too long. from what i know, they used to be glued together in middle school, but it doesn't really look like that anymore."
super ironic coming from shauna, seems like she's got those two figured out, yet she can't even figure her own self out with jacquline.
"how 'bout you huh? it's been awhile since you've talked about anybody. no new boys looking to win you over?"
i glance at the girl as i took another inhale from the cigarette. "i haven't really been in the mood for that shit,"
these past few months i've simply found myself in the arms of random guys, guys who i can't help but feel absolutely nothing for. i've always wondered if maybe i just can't find the right person, or if i'm not into men at all.
there's never really been a person for me.
that was the last thing i had said before we made our way into jackie's driveway. i put out the cigarette as it was almost close to burning the sides of my fingers. i'm assuming her parents were out of town or something because the music coming from inside was impossible to not hear.
once we both stepped inside, we made our way to our friends. all the girls were hanging out in one corner of the room. jackie being the first one to greet us.
"huh, shipman, you really managed to get natalie here?" a grin creeps up onto jackie's face. even though it's the first party this girl's throwing, she's planned so many hangouts previously all for the team and i've never bothered to tag along, because what's the point?
the brunette smirks. "i didn't give her much of a choice." jackie gives shauna a tight hug, before fixing her gaze onto me completely.
"i'm surprised you decided to come, now everybody's really here!" now jackie and i aren't necessarily friends, but she's a sweet girl so i've only ever been nice to her. i flashed her a small smile before greeting the rest of the team.
my eyes eventually fell onto lottie matthews, whom already seemed fucked up from the never ending supply of alcohol jackie somehow managed to get for this party.
"scatorccio, decided to show up for the alcohol?" the tall girl slurred. she placed her hand onto the collar of my jacket, then finding herself playing with a piece of my hair. it seemed like she was here for the same reason i was. not for her friends, but for the chance to be get wasted out of her mind.
it wasn't really regular for lottie to talk to me. i couldn't even remember the last time we had a genuine interaction with each other. this entire school year has consisted of me just floating by, existing. i didn't know anything about lottie other than the fact that she's got a lot of daddy's money, and being the type to turn down every guy that comes her way.
the placement of her hands caught me off guard, and i found myself a little stunned for a second. the way she looked down at me, the way she practically towered over me, made me flushed without even really realizing it. i've never found myself so close to her face before.
"seems like you're here for the same reason, lottie."
she flashes me a grin with her pearly whites, before walking off to the table of bottles. i couldn't help but stand there for a good minute. she smiled, but i could see it in her eyes, something dull and what felt like a facade.
we're not even really friends, so why would she touch me like that? i concluded it was just the alcohol in her system that got the better of her. but those split seconds where she touched me lingered in my head for a long time. it was a little weird, out of place, just something i would never expect to happen. her and i don't mesh together.
it wasn't long before i fell into the group of kids smoking out on the back porch. i had caught up with a few acquaintances, one being my supplier i've been going to ever since the school year started.
i was enjoying a nicely rolled joint in a circle of people, before jackie's loud voice came calling out for me.
"natalie!! where are youuu, come inside we're playing spin the bottle!" her voice was louder than the music playing, and even though i couldn't see her through the ocean of drunk students, i could hear her inching closer with her voice.
a small sigh came strutting through my lips. i took one last drag of the joint before passing it to a random on my left. i immediately got up from the ledge and low and behold jackie taylor's in front of me with another drink to offer.
"enjoying yourself?" she snickers a little, handing me a full cup of what it looks like to be pink whitney.
"can't you just go suck on jeff's face or something? i don't see any point in doing these games."
"ugh, you know i don't really wanna hear his name at all tonight. i don't actually like him, you know that right? he's probably off with his jocky friends flirting with random girls. now come on, we're about to start."
taylor had dragged me towards the corridors of upstairs, when somebody whom was twice my size ran into me. the drink that i was enjoying had spilt all over my neck and chest. my brows furrowed as i realized all of it was on me instead of in me.
guess that's a sign i should stop drinking.
"whoa, you good there?" i looked up to see this goblin looking white guy smirking down at me. just my luck.
"yeah, yeah, i'm fine." i muttered, looking towards where jackie once was. i guess she didn't see me almost get ran over because she was no longer in my line of sight.
"i could help you change out of that," the towering guy cooed. he looked me up and down and i could tell by the look in his eyes he had no good intentions whatsoever.
i feel like if i was sober that would make me wanna vomit even more than now.
i didn't even bother responding, just shot him a look of digust, but as soon as i tried walking away he grabbed me by my wrist.
"it's kind of rude to just walk away without saying anything, you know."
"listen, i don't know who you are and quite frankly, i really don't want to." i snapped.
"i can change your mind mama, just give me the chance to."
and before i could say anything back, i was met with a hand on my shoulder. i turned to see who it was, assuming it would've been jackie coming back down to look for me, but it ended up being lottie.
"do you know this guy?" she asks, with a stern tone in her voice. i shook my head, taking in the fact that she has yet to remove her hand from me.
lottie lets out a hum, noticing that the guy that kept his grip on my wrist. i could tell by the way she looked at me, that she was completely gone.
"do you have a problem or something?"
"she clearly doesn't want anything to do with you. and you've ruined her outfit with the way you carelessly bumped into her. how about you just go on about your way, biggie?"
she was watching me the entire time. i assumed everybody was upstairs, most likely in jackie's room giggling about who knows what, but she was watching me.
a peculiar grin sneaks onto his face, and he steps closer to face lottie, finally letting go of my wrist. "what's it to you, pretty? if she doesn't want me i'll take you instead—"
before he could finish his sentence, a loud punch echoed through the room. even though the music was intensely loud, i swore i heard a crack in his nose.
lottie matthews socked the shit out of this random.
the guy stumbled back, holding his nose in his hand. a surge of crimson red started to pour out, with a terrifying look on his face. for a good second i thought him and lottie were about to fully go at it.
he spat a bit of blood out of his mouth, before wiping his nose. "you're lucky ur a woman," he deadpanned, before turning his back, disappearing into the pool of people. a couple of people were watching with wandering eyes but that didn't really last long.
lottie let out a chuckle as she watched him walk away, before turning to fully look at me.
"are you okay, natty?" the tone in her voice softened, like she let her guard down.
natty?
a nickname.
now that was new. and something i genuinely did not expect. nobody really calls me anything besides nat or natalie.
"i'm okay, lottie."
"you kinda just saved my ass."
never took her to be the fighting type.
"come on, i'll help you clean up. you can take my jacket."
lottie grabs my hand, and for a moment i simply stare. the way she has a grasp of my hand, firm but not tightly like that guy had my wrist. the way her hair flows down her shoulders. the way her dress brings out her curvy figure. the way she stands so tall and confident like she knows she could have anybody she wanted.
what am i saying to myself?
maybe it's just the alcohol and weed.
she leads me to a bathroom, where the music isn't so loud and there aren't that many people in the hallway so it's not impossible to walk through.
i plop myself down on the counter, placing the half empty cup beside me. i ran my hand through my hair, sniffing it to see if the lingering smell of alcohol made its way into my hair or if it was just my clothes.
i'm certainly not much of a believer, but if god's real i am fuckin' praying my mom's not home when i get back.
i could see lottie staring at me intently. it was a good minute where i was contemplating my sole existence. "could've worn any color tonight, yet you decided to wear white." the brunette quips.
i look down to see the stains the alcohol left on my shirt and jacket, both being extremely visible to the naked eye. i took a handful of toilet paper and patted myself down with it. i'm lucky enough to have worn a tank top underneath my t-shirt, and with that knowledge i took both my jacket and shirt off. even though i wasn't looking at her anymore, i could feel her eyes burning into me, my body.
is lottie gay?
i didn't know much about her, not enough to conclude her sexuality. i've never seen her with anybody in a romantic kind of way. never a guy. or a girl. hearing shauna talk about her and what laura lee were made me wonder. she never really striked me as somebody who'd go for girls, but now that i've heard shauna bring it up, maybe she isn't so wrong. they don't have the closeness the way shauna and jackie do obviously, but there are things like lingering stares and subtle touches that i never really cared to notice. since lottie and i aren't really friends, i'd shake that off as them just being friendly. maybe i was wrong.
lottie takes her jacket off and hands it to me. i put it on and was met with the scent of her woody perfume.
a bright pink fluffy jacket. something you'd never see in my closet. i could tell by the way lottie was smirking that i looked funny with it on.
"why are you smiling?" my nose crinkled a bit, and i gave her an annoyed look seeing how wide her smile was.
"oh, nothing, you just look really cute with pink on. you're like wednesday addams if a sparkly unicorn dropped a load of shit on her."
"i'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that."
i turned my head back to the mirror, turning the faucet on so i could wet my hair. i tried to get any lingering scent of pink whitney out of me but i'm not even sure if that really worked.
she lets out a small giggle, "you could probably wash your clothes here, i doubt jackie would care."
i cleared my throat for a quick second, "your hand okay?"
lottie lets out a little hum, "a solid punch never hurt me." she places her hand on mines for display. it was a little red but i took her word for it anyways.
"you look really good with that wife-beater of yours. you should wear tank tops more often." the brunette purrs. she placed both her hands on the countertop near to my thighs, her face merely inches away from mines.
i could feel my face slightly burning. was lottie always this flirty? or was she just drunk?
"we should probably head upstairs to the girls." i tried to ignore the way she was looking at me, but it was kind of hard to do so. it was like watching a dog stare down a piece of meat.
i quickly headed out the bathroom with no regards of what lottie had to say. eventually i found jackie's room, where all the yellowjacket girls were huddled up in a circle. i turned my back to take a glance at lottie but she wasn't behind me.
all of them turned their heads to the door, but jackie was the first to say something. "oh natalie, for fuck sakes where'd you run off to?"
"i got some alcohol on me earlier, and somehow you disappeared quick as shit. but lottie helped me clean up. also she punched the fuck out of a guy, i can't believe neither of you were there to see it."
van lets out a big laugh, "lottie? punching a guy? i hope somebody out there recorded that shit. i seriously missed that?"
"he was hitting on me, i'm actually really glad she did that. he was like twice my size, man."
"where's lottie anyway?" laura lee interjects. she was sat next to mari and vanessa. didn't really seem happy to see me. but for a split second her face drops, which makes me think it's cause of lottie's jacket on me.
maybe they are a thing.
"she's probably downing another bottle of alcohol or some shit, now come on, why don't we start this game?" taissa declares. i sat down next to shauna, who seemed to be completely gone in another world. she was always the lightweight of the group. even laura lee handled alcohol better than her.
taissa's first to spin the bottle, and it lands on shauna.
this brings shauna back to reality, and before taissa can say anything, shauna lets out a huge gag. "god, you're like my sister. can we just play a different game or something?" her face drops to a slight frown.
tai rolls her eyes, "oh please, don't be a baby shauna. just a quick peck will do."
"a match made in heaven!" jackie playfully claps her hands. a giggle escaping from her lips.
they exchange a quick kiss, and with that van takes the bottle in her hand.
before she can spin the bottle, the door swings open, revealing lottie with a full cup of freshly poured alcohol.
mari shoots her a smile, "big bird! you finally made it. took you long enough."
lottie shoots her a glare of annoyance for the nickname. "kinda got lost in this mansion of yours, jackie. i mean shit, i live in a big house but for some reason your hallways confuse me??" the brunette slurs a little.
"girl, you're just fucked up right now. jesus lottie, how are you supposed to get home?" jackie questions the girl, who seemed to be stumbling each step along the way.
"better question, how many drinks have you had?" vanessa adds in.
"that's not important." lottie remarks. she makes her way to an open spot in the circle, which happens to be right across from me.
the game goes on for about fifteen minutes. most girls letting out noises of disgust, or a solid 'ew' for everybody to hear. van and melissa, tai and mari, jackie and laura lee, shauna and akilah, melissa and gen, lottie and misty, i ended up kissing jackie, which shauna shot me some looks for. these kind of games have always been dumb to me, and by the end of it i felt like i needed another gallon of pink whitney to make me feel whatever specks of happiness were left in my system.
but then, it was laura lee's turn.
and the bottle had landed on me of course.