Chapter Text
“I wonder," Jaehyun said to his friend expressionlessly " If I will ever go back to who I was, to do or to love the things I used to love, or to just .... love.” He feels his eyelids are heavy, and it's not because he's sleepy... He's already slept for few hours, Jaehyun is just tired.
But he wasn't like that, of course he wasn't ... cold as ice.
He was not someone who preferred to let his nails get this long without taking care of them, someone who did not brush his teeth or dry his hair and even lay his wet hair on his pillow, someone who would let his beard hair grow without care. Who cares if his beard is rough or smooth now? A person who would rather freeze on snowy nights than to get up and get himself a blanket to warm his icy fingertips.
In fact, Jaehyun was first at everything, best at anything.
The first one in his class, and the first to finish his work.
The first friend to call when trouble hit.
He had the comforting, reassuring words for his friends and the solutions for any issues that might occur.
Everyone's favourite, lovable boy.
He was smart and kind-hearted, even though he was the very first to cry when watching a movie. Or when he shared his friends' grief.
He won everything. Every match, every competition.
But he was the first to fall in love as well.
He told his friends about it, a shy confession as they lay on the floor of Mark's room on a cold December night, wrapped in soft sheets, chatting.
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise." He said, quoting Elizabeth Browning. He didn't change the pronouns from 'thee' to 'him' because 'thee' was with Jaehyun in the same room. Surely someone as poetic as Jaehyun would not just say I love someone but would back it up with evidence that are represented in some passages from his favourite poems. It was an innocent, shy, teenage love.
Jaehyun, who was only seventeen and was able to choose beautiful words to describe his feelings with those whom he admired.
"Who is he?" The answer with which his enthusiastic friends annoyed him in: Mark, Johnny, Yuta. The laughter and the hugs after that, seeing Jaehyun's ears turn red. Of course, they did not push him off his edges. They knew that Jaehyun is shy and reserved, knowing this information about him meant a lot and they can't sacrifice it already.
But he wouldn't dare to say the name.
Jove knows I love;
But who?
Lips, do not move:
No man must know.
He thought to himself, how good Shakespeare was with words! Jaehyun was in love with words as well. The unspoken name in the silent room was a burden he carried for a while.
because Jaehyun wouldn't dare to say
'I love you' to someone who wouldn't love him back. This time the situation is different than saying the only right answer in the class. It's different than chemistry and maths, because love was different, said the poets and writers he always loved. Because the one he loved wasn't an open book that he'd get the right answers from just by a look. And Jaehyun cannot cross the unfamiliar, cannot destroy this lovely warmth with his friends because of his stupid teenage love, can he? He can wait either for his damned feelings to disappear (it didn't), or that his crush might be braver than he is.
At least he had a big hope, very big, that it can cover the whole land across the lines of being, that his beloved one might love him back.
In a moment of silence in the darkness, he'll confess to him and tell him that he's the only one, only love, angel of the city, and just like magic they'll share this moment alone. Jaehyun would turn into a braver lover, one who says what is on his mind always. He will transfigure from a shy swan to an angelic figure, one who would do everything for love and then, they'll kiss, a reciprocal love it'd be. Teenagers, young and full of life.
They were looking forward to a future together.
Life was gentle with them.
If only fate had been kinder to Jaehyun... but if only.
Well, no, that did not happen. Jaehyun did not touch the future that he thought he was promised.
Life had a cruel joke, as if Jaehyun's feelings were just a sick joke.
Fate completely laughed in his face. It laughed at him as if he was a mere joke that teenagers share on the Internet, but Jaehyun's feelings are like that: funny, weak and fragile. Jaehyun is a person who thinks too much.
' I’m so pathetically intense. I just can’t be any other way' - Sylvia Plath, that is Jaehyun, he overthinks he over-love he over-feels every emotion too deeply he over sees the details he's the sea and never the least an overflow of sentiments.
Because Jaehyun's enemy was part of him consuming his soul apart, in the most painful ways. If only there was a button to make the voices inside his head stop reminding him that he was nothing.
Fate, in fact, had another plan. The kiss Jaehyun waited for, the brave lover he wanted to be, the quiet confession in the darkness he thought he was promised, was not for him.
His dreams were someone else's reality.
Someone who was more suitable, more desirable, someone finer for the role of angel. A swan, indeed. In reality, his beloved one was braver than him, but his courage was used to love someone else, someone Jaehyun couldn't be, and he will never be.
'But how could I hate her? She's such an angel' There cometh the sudden sorrow designed in someone he admired. Someone called Taeyong.
Taeyong was a new fellow in their friend group. Jungwoo introduced him to the boys, who was himself a new friend to them.
It was in Jaehyun's first year at university.
Jaehyun was stressed in that year; should he study engineering or go for literature? For he was a literature lover, but engineering was all about numbers and mathematics; it was clear and easy to understand.
Unlike literature, because no matter how much he loved the words, he was afraid of them, of not knowing what lay behind the words. Words and love were similar; you never know what the intended meaning is, given that in literature there are a lot of possibilities, a lot of theories about each literary work. Each word had been debated for years for what it might mean.
Not knowing was hard for Jaehyun to accept.
He'd prefer to say one plus two is three and proving it, rather than being a critic who had a task to convince his readers one plus three is eight.
And that wasn't Taeyong, Taeyong who was studying music.
"Was Taeyong good with words?"
Jaehyun wondered in their first meeting.
Did Taeyong think about music too much before he had chosen it as a study field? Did he look at music differently? A way to play with emotions and soul? Or did he just love the sounds of instruments?" however, Jaehyun didn't know the answer because he never asked.
Jaehyun is usually shy with new people around, but Taeyong wasn't scary or judgmental. Jaehyun learned that in a few months after studying the other's personality before opening up to him.
Taeyong was sweet, Taeyong was older than Jaehyun, his university was near Jaehyun's one.
Music and art university was in the same place as engineering university, quite the contrast, right? Jaehyun had two sides as well an art lover and knowledge lover. The same contrast between Jaehyun and Taeyong, besides what they studied, the way Taeyong was nice to Jaehyun, as if he was his younger brother. He'd come once in a while to check on him. He had known that Jaehyun is the type of person who would skip his meals under stress. But there were some similarities between them: their loving and caring manner toward their loved ones around like their friends, family and perhaps they shared their love for art as well. But that's where the difference in their perception of art lay—it’s true that Taeyong studied music—but what else? What did he love about it exactly? What was music to Taeyong? Jaehyun didn't know if he himself was too shy to ask, or if he never cared, but that's not true, obviously a data collector like Jaehyun would care to know about his friends not just Taeyong, their favourite song and favourite colour and food, all details were treasure for him to remember. On the other hand, and unlike Jaehyun, Taeyong was a good reader of the people around him. He knew when they were tired or exhausted, even when they hid it. They shared different personalities. Taeyong would forget his earbuds or his jacket and might leave his work undone to watch a lovely movie he had waited a year to be released. Jaehyun thought that Taeyong was chaotic, but he admired him, just like he admired his friends. As long as someone's disorder doesn't approach Jaehyun's peace, he's fine with it. Taeyong was nice to talk with. Jaehyun felt safe, comfortable.
Even Taeyong's seat at the table in their new favourite restaurant felt like Taeyong has been always here, a chatter and laughter everything seemed warm like home, Mark sitting next to Taeyong who's sitting next to Johnny besides Yuta and then Jaehyun next to Jungwoo.
Johnny's eyes are smiling as usual while Mark is telling him some stupid story about ramen with a lot of unnecessary details, but Mark is sweet how can anybody help not listening to him? Johnny would still check on Jaehyun once in a while to make sure that he's engaged in the conversation, Johnny would never let him feel left out even after 7 years of friendship and 5 years of love for Jaehyun's, and that made him fall, even more.
Johnny was always like this, a smiling sunshine to Jaehyun's world.
Because if Jaehyun was the moon Jonny is the one made him shine. The moon is Shy reversed, sweet, sensitive, but will always shine beautifully as long as his sun is shining to him, him alone.
Johnny was the orbit who connects the moon to gravity.
At the beginning, Jaehyun was scared of the idea of being so emotionally connected to someone like this, being somehow dependent on him in his happiness and needs him in his sadness.
But what can he else do? Johnny made him feel balanced, sane and together they were like harmony, everything's felt easy, fruitful and lively.
Who can blame him anyway, Johnny was the suitable ideal Who perfectly
symbolised the meaning of to be loved is to be seen, heard and understood.
Johnny would buy him his favourite mint candy when he asked if anyone has.
Johnny who made them both a Spotify playlist and will add songs that will align with Jaehyun's taste, songs that will touch his soul only.
Johnny who would listen to Jaehyun talking about mathematics—his theory about triangles or whatever he was saying without feeling bored, although he understood nothing. He will listen to Jaehyun sharing his favourite poets and poems because he knew that Jaehyun will never share something so intimate like this with anyone else. It was their spot it was their place and it was only for Johnny's gaze.
Johnny who would get Jaehyun out of any party the other disliked, his eyes were only on Jaehyun, Jaehyun had a theory; that Johnny can read souls, that's why he's always around as an emergency alarm.
Johnny who bought him a sweater on the third of December because Jaehyun listened to Heather by Conan Gray for hours as it was shown in his Spotify history in their duo account.
In that day Jaehyun switched his sweater with Johnny. Jaehyun knew that Johnny isn't in love with him now and not in the past few years, but he'll choose him one day, Jaehyun knew it will happen definitely.
Because that's Johnny, his first friend, first love, but what Jaehyun didn't know is that Johnny will be his first heartbreak as well.
Jaehyun couldn't help but be a lover, he had no other choice, Jaehyun accepted his love to Johnny, he accepted to be balanced by Johnny's presence and love. He accepted his dependence on Johnny like this; it no longer felt like a weight but like a comfort zone, a tower of ivory with virginal notes playing in the background, that's Jaehyun's love.
However, when Jaehyun saw his comfort collapsing brick by brick each time he couldn't do anything but observe.
He saw the lights in Johnny's eyes when Taeyong spoke; it was different than when Mark spoke, when Jaehyun spoke, when Yuta did. There was something new about his bunny lines and crow's feet that appeared to Taeyong, and not Jaehyun. The whispers and the secrets sometimes made it feel like Johnny and Taeyong were in their own world.
Even the nickname that was given to JOHNJAE as being lovers because of how much they stuck to each other was now for JohnTae by their friends.
Johnny was Jaehyun's world, but Jaehyun was an outsider to Johnny's new world.
He wanted to be engaged with their conversation in the restaurant and their whispers in the library, but it didn't work. He had nothing to say, and even when he tried, his voice was too low to be heard; Johnny didn't notice. How come that there's a day in which Johnny didn't notice Jaehyun would happen? But it happened in front of his eyes. Johnny would forget to ask Jaehyun about his order for their meal or would forget to bring Jaehyun the papers he asked for because he was busy talking with Taeyong at the printer machine.
They were small details that meant nothing to Johnny, but they were Jaehyun's centre.
He felt that the earth is blocking his sun for the first time; suddenly, all the sunlight wasn't for him, it was like a lunar eclipse.
It's not that his other friends didn't care about him, but Jaehyun's eyes weren't looking for Yuta's eyes, and Jaehyun's ears didn't hear Mark's story or Jungwoo's joke that even Johnny laughed at, because Johnny laughed while looking at Taeyong, not at anyone else, not even him or Jungwoo.
It's weird how everything changed within a few months after Taeyong's appearance, even the way they sat together between their lectures; instead of random seats previously, now it would always be Johnny beside Taeyong.
A whole new orbit was created, and Jaehyun was out of it. Jaehyun shook his head while doing his project in the dim light on a late Wednesday night. Now, his thoughts about Johnny kept distracting him, not like Johnny was leaving him forever after all; it's just that he and Taeyong share some similar merits.
If only Professor Thomas had asked for this project earlier.
He took off his glasses and scratched his nose, wearing his glasses for a long while always caused him migraine headache, He hates the feeling of his glasses on his nose for long hours, but what can he do? He also hates wearing lenses as well. The only companion in this cold night was the precise sound of his cutter and the heavy silence of his phone. He had sent Johnny a text a few hours ago, which is unusual because Johnny would always reply within half an hour, but he has been like this for a few weeks. Maybe he's busy; not like Jaehyun is his only concern in the world. A sudden, clumsy movement of his own hand sent the tower toppling onto the floor. The perfect angles and balanced loads shattered, his hand hovering over the broken pieces of balsa wood and glue. Jaehyun pouted, looking at his scratch paper; something must be wrong with his mathematical equations.
There it was, an empty space at the centre of the formula he had checked dozens of times, a missing digit, a single uncalculated variable that made the whole work everywhere except in its place.
In engineering, if you forget a single variable, the bridge falls. If you don't account for the wind, the tower leans. As a civil architect, he should have remembered this and marked it in his head like a sigil or a moto, after all, human beings' life depended on him and his mathematics, he can't fuck it up already.
variables are unexpected external factors that build and destroy. Jaehyun's project fell to the ground just like his comfort, the tower of ivory is now shaking. He had spent his life calculating a future where Johnny was a constant; he never expected that Johnny was a variable that toppled his formula, formula of life and future where everything should be ... right.
But was Johnny actually a variable? Wasn't it Taeyong? Not like it's Taeyong's fault anyway, but a variable wouldn't work with a variable; JohnTae won't work together, right? They should be different.
It's Jaehyun's fault anyway; if he read his formula one more time, his project wouldn't fall down like this. If Jaehyun was good enough, perfect enough to be worthy of Johnny's love and not take for granted, a foregone conclusion, none of this would affect him if he just calculated the formula of love right. Jaehyun should be a constant to get Johnny back, even if it meant that he'd be a variable in John's world.
Jaehyun should be the constant that never moves. Jaehyun will remind Johnny of his identity, that he belongs to Jaehyun and what Jaehyun is to Johnny, what Johnny is to Jaehyun and what they are together.
Jaehyun is the North Star that will lead Johnny to his comfort as he loses his way in the musical sound of the wind. Jaehyun takes out a new sheet of paper; he should fix what is wrong before the wind takes his love tower to the ground. He begins to write his database. Taeyong is music, music is art, art is literature, and literature is words. Words are ambiguous, ambiguity is soul, and soul is music. Jaehyun is an architect; he is numbers, and numbers are logic. Logic is clear; what is clear is right, and what is right is fixed. That's why Jaehyun should be number one to Johnny: he always brushes his hair, does his tie, and arrives on time. For the conclusion, Jaehyun is familiarity; familiarity is home. That's why he's better than Taeyong. The plan is easy, he just has to win what is already his.
Instead of arriving on time, Jaehyun will arrive 5 minutes earlier than usual, fifteen minutes earlier, half an hour early.
But still, it seems that Johnny barely notices the difference; he's always engaged in conversation with Taeyong. When Jaehyun places Johnny's favourite homemade coffee on the table, he'd simply say, "Thank you, you're the best, Jay." But what else? He gets back to his little world with Taeyong. Johnny said that Jaehyun is the best, but he didn't prove it.
Jaehyun was sure that Johnny would soon open his already wide eyes and see. It wasn't like Jaehyun was going anywhere else,
nor was Johnny; Jaehyun can try harder and double his efforts.
Jaehyun can over-style his clothes, wear his black tie with his cloudy sweater, buy a new pair of shoes, and put on his pricey perfume on.
"Tell me that I'm special, tell me I look pretty
Tell me I'm a little angel, the sweetheart of your city
Say what I'm dying to hear
Cause I'm dying to hear you"
Jaehyun can double his effort in everything if it meant he can win Johnny's heart. Jaehyun doesn't mind staying up late to help Johnny with his history assignment, reading four books unrelated to his field of study just for Johnny so that Johnny could get the highest mark in his class. Even if it meant burning his eyes and brain out because Jaehyun wasn't replaced by the one he loved, Jaehyun was replaced as a friend as well. The spot he and Johnny shared where Jaehyun used read him poems at, is now exposed to Taeyong. The late-night emotional talks were now between Johnny and Taeyong. Jaehyun now is mixing energy drinks with coffee and feel his heart beating through his ears and see his hands shaking When he lost control over his body, he'd touch own hand, trying to stop it from moving on its own, as if his body was getting ready to have a heart attack, his heart ached, his left hand was throbbing, he sometimes felt he can't breathe. He hated the feeling of losing control, but he couldn't help but ignore it and grab his pen to write while kneading his chest and neglect his heavy breath, rub his eyes that were dry from staring at his laptop screen all the time, and all this extra efforts were just to help Johnny with his research paper while trying to keep up with his own university requirements, projects, exams, papers, essays .... The problem is that Johnny would take every possible chance to be with Taeyong; he'd get the high marks and celebrate with Taeyong. The emotional and physical exhaustion was taking its toll on Jaehyun, to the point that he'd simply sit down and cry at night. After a few hours, he'd push himself out of his bed to get up and go to college with his dark circles, eye bags, messy sleep schedule, and bad dreams corrupting his sleepless nights, and unhealthy food resting in his stomach. Even though Jaehyun and the friend bond didn't meet every day now because Jaehyun was too 'busy' they noticed the difference, the happy lovable boy was under the clouds. Yuta asked him if he's okay, and Mark prevented him from ordering coffee again. But instead, Taeyong got up and brought him an orange juice while Johnny just stared at him wondered that what happened to his friend, Jaehyun would truly treasure them moment when Johnny bring him home made meal. " I told you to not do my essay Jay, I owe you alright? tell me your wish ...!" Johnny said while looking into his eyes, this gentle gesture made Jaehyun breathe as if his soul had back to its place. "Why are you pushing everything on yourself I know that engineering is hard but ...." Taeyong's hand was resting Jaehyun's fingers, only if Taeyong knew that he is the problem. But these moments of gentle rest from life all turned up to be painful, Taeyong's voice faded away in Jaehyun's ears when Johnny, again put his hand on Taeyong's hand.
Jaehyun was nervous, exhausted, lacking an appetite, overwhelmed, and so irritable that he was easily frustrated by anything that didn't look perfect around him.
He was mad at his pencil, he was mad at his loud thoughts because they kept him out of focus, and he was mad at his bag and the way he looked so tired in the mirror.
'"Why Taeyong?" That was what he thought to himself after another moment of being ignored by Johnny. He asked Johnny about his day, and he didn't know if his voice was too low, or if it was because he was sitting far away from Johnny, even though it was just two chairs apart. Johnny would usually notice and hear Jaehyun, but the longer Jaehyun was late in getting Johnny back to their solar system, to their familiar orbit, the more he sees their galaxy being swallowed by a black hole. Johnny no longer felt like the sun that tied the moon to its balanced lights, but more like a mysterious cosmic object, actually; it is the way Jaehyun cared about the unanswered calls for Johnny, and not the way Johnny would immediately call him when he sees the notification, it is just that Johnny had a love interest, that was for sure unusual for Jaehyun, Johnny revolved his whole world around Taeyong, and so was Jaehyun revolving his whole existence around Johnny.
Always good, but never perfect enough, never the chosen one.
Jaehyun's heart ached at the questions, why? He hated this very word so much because he spent his whole life asking why, how, what. All the WH-questions were against him because when he looked at Taeyong, he knew that he was greater than Taeyong. Jaehyun loved Taeyong as a friend, but that doesn't deny the fact that Jaehyun is better in all aspects, after all of these efforts, Johnny still chose Taeyong. The question haunted him in his lectures, on his way home, on his bed and while studying.
''Why would you love him, kiss me?''
Jaehyun heard and related Conan's song again today, after a year of getting a sweater from Johnny. Two days ago, he saw Johnny buying a sweater while they were shopping for Christmas gifts with Mark.
Then again, on the third of December, the sweater was worn by Taeyong. The sight... burnt his eyes with envy.
"I still remember, third of December, me in your sweater
You said it looked better on me than it did you
Only if you knew how much I liked you" Jaehyun repeated the lines as he was feeling them harder now, because Jaehyun had the sweater back then, and he almost had Johnny's heart. Why would he choose Taeyong? Jaehyun was prettier, kinder, and more suitable for Johnny.
"But I watch your eyes as she Walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than a blue sky
he's got you mesmerized while I die"
Jaehyun hated the way Johnny looked at Taeyong, hated the smiling lines on his face, because they should be for Jaehyun, Jaehyun has always been there and Taeyong just appeared few months out of no where.
"But how could I hate her? She's such an angel," when Jaehyun faced the mirror as he went to his apartment he asked again: why Taeyong? Taeyong had messy hair?! Jaehyun could have it effortlessly, he thought as he moved his hand through his well-brushed hair.
He removed his tie, and he threw his bag on the floor.
"Isn't it lonely?
I'd do anything to make you want me.
I'd give it all up if you told me that I'd be
The number one girl in your eyes."
He felt every line of Rosé's emotions; the song he added to their old playlist that Johnny made. Did Rosé feel the same when she sang those lines? Did she feel replaced by the person she cared about, maybe her song was just a love confession for a person who was the main event in her love story as she was for that person. Not like Jaehyun, whose reality was bitterer than any love confession, had to face a reality in which he didn't belong; he no longer felt like he belonged here, here meant home, what if he didn't belong home.
In the late-night talks that happen once every two weeks in Mark's room, Jaehyun was silent, unlike the shy, but energetic boy he usually was.
The messy hair, messy tie, and unmatched socks were all to get Johnny's attention, he wanted to embody Taeyong's messiness.
But the more he gets Johnny's worried attention, which is not what he's looking for, the more he also feels a thousand miles away from his own self.
When Jungwoo asked him if he was okay because Jaehyun suddenly didn't care about washing his spoon when it fell before they started eating in the Christmas eve.
Jaehyun simply answers, "I'm hungry," trying to emphasize that he doesn't care, when inside him, he cared. He was thankful when Mark took the spoon out of his hand and washed it, even if Mark's floor was clean; he knew that Jaehyun wasn't okay.
It was painful, the way Taeyong corrected his tie, the way Johnny tied his shoes.
But when they left him to his new persona, thinking that he was comfortable living like this, he was just disgusted with himself.
Another moment of disgust haunted him as he got home and put his bag in its place, removed his messy tie and put it where it belongs; he rubbed his face harshly and cried, he wanted to shove off the mask he was trying to wear.
Isn't it lonely?
I'd do anything to make you want me
I'd give it all up if you told me that I'd be
The number one girl in your eyes
Your one and only
So what's it gon' take for you to want me?
I'd give it all up if you told me that I'd be
The number one girl in your eyes
The words might cut sharper than any knife, all through his heart and ears, Jaehyun truly did everything to make Johnny want him, notice him, so how much effort, how long would it take Johnny to be with him again .... it is painful, pitiful, to be like this, to be alone in this,, Jaehyun could gave up all pretending and ugliness if only Johnny would choose him.
All the exhaustion, bitterness, overwhelmingness, irritability, and nervousness were sickening him.
Jaehyun didn't feel like himself anymore, nor did his friends see Jaehyun; Jaehyun was an ambiguous form they didn't know, a person with clenched jaw, furrowed brows, and narrowed tightened lips, a person that felt like he was in deep anger, still he sounded calm when he spoke, only if he was being talked to, and seemed always absent minded .
Jaehyun wanted to perform a chaos to be Taeyong, but it was just a performance that he didn't feel, a failed counterfeit performance that consumed Jaehyun's soul out of like a leech.
Being a perfect version of who he already is didn't work, being the person Johnny saw in Taeyong didn't work.
"What is Taeyong's core" Jaehyun thought to himself, what is the thing that made Johnny look at Taeyong's side only.
Jaehyun really wanted to know, he looked at Taeyong walking with his light-yellow bag and pink hoodie, none of them actually matched with his choice of accessories.
The way he chews a gum, the way he walked as if he's the main event in a show.
"Why Taeyong and not me?"
Jaehyun's eyes sored as he saw Johnny's hand interlock with Taeyong's.
He hated that Johnny had neglected their playlist and the new songs that he shared on his Instagram story while tagging Taeyong added to his weight. "They must have went on a date, listening to their newly secret playlist" It left a bitter taste on his tongue, the idea that Johnny found comfort in somebody's else heart.
The tower Jaehyun built, the comfort home of familiarity now is a neglected hut, it was like Mariana's lonely, moated grange.
As marina by Tennyson, Jaehyun was aweary and his life's dreary.
In his tower, nothing was pleasant and the virginal sound is turned into creaked noise of doors and sad symphony by crows.
"With blackest moss the flower-plots
Were thickly crusted, one and all;
The rusted nails fell from the knots
That held the pear to their gable-wall
The broken sheds looked sad and strange:"
Not just his ivory tower but his place in their spots felt strange.
Mark's room, their favourite restaurant, their favourite garden, all of them made him feel like a stranger to his friends and self.
He sat next to Mark, but his ears weren't listening to their chat, he never cared about the movie they're watching, his eyes had only one thing to look at; the way Taeyong ate popcorn, the way Taeyong looked at Johnny, the way he tilted his head when he understood nothing about the movie, the way he talked about music the way he blinked the way he just existed.
If somebody else entered the room and saw how Jaehyun's eyes didn't leave Taeyong's sight they might think Jaehyun is in love with Taeyong and not Johnny.
"I want her hair want to steal what she wears wanna smell like her perfume do everything like her cause isn't she perfect the lipstick on her lips I wish I could kiss her to know why you love her" the line of Heather haunted him while he's awake like a nightmare, in fact Jaehyun left performing Taeyong phase, now he just observe and question, observe and wonder about the possibilities .
Jaehyun wondered, if he was in Taeyong's place, would Johnny choose him? If Taeyong was never here would Johnny choose him, if Taeyong suddenly disappeared from life, would Johnny comeback to him?
"But how could I hate her? She's such an angel
But then again, kinda wish she were dead"
For the first time, Jaehyun who ignored the specific line of this horrifying song said that line, the very line that made him hate himself not just his love.
He didn't ignore that line only, he ignored a lot of things, like the way he saw them hugging or flirting, he tried to ignore the signs but it didn't work for him, he ignored the whole hang outs with his friends because he didn't want to see them anymore, they made him feel like throwing up at any minute if he saw them.
But in a sudden minute, in a random Sunday as he was sitting with Yuta only, the whole crew started to gather,, Jaehyun wanted to get up at any chance and run away with any alibi he can't face this reality any longer, but they were here ... the ones in his nightmares that caught him off sleep, they were Infront of him and he couldn't run away this time.
They asked him how he has been; he hated how much they cared, he wanted to smash their pretty faces on the table, or smash his dumb head instead, God knows how much he hated himself and them.
But then they couldn't shut up, they talked about what he hated and ran away from, their relationship.
They talked about it Infront of his face 'Lovers', they called themselves as an announcement to the group, he couldn't pretend anymore to look fine with it he has been running to not hear this news he saw signs of in the past few months, he felt the bitter taste in his stomach rising up to his tongue, he felt the sour watery drops 'round his eyes ... he simply took his bag and stood up then walked away in a hurry footsteps.
" Jaehyun-ah where are going" asked Jungwoo with a worried panic on his face.
" A lecture" he simply said, he won't let them see his tears of course, this time he wished he was dead.
Jaehyun walked faster to the closest bathroom, he needed to get rid of this bitterness, he threw up, but it felt like he is throwing his intestines while it was just gallons of coffee, energy drinks and water with some smashed pieces of biscuit. Jaehyun felt humiliated, his reflection on the mirror was just .... ugly, he looked down with shame at his own hands, the red burning feeling round his nails that he had been biting for a long while now, a new old habit he gained again whenever he thought of the unofficial couple in the last few weeks... or months? a habit that he used to do in his childhood whenever he didn't know how to solve a question before punishing himself physically and mentally, when he felt like he is nothing, when he felt like he had no meaning in life except being number one.
He couldn't fight anymore, cause he's unallowed to fight. Johnny is Taeyong's completely; he has no right to look at him in his loving eyes.
Physical pain and emotional pain all together were in fact a worse combination than coffee and strawberry energy drink academic, pain tortured him enough and he has no power to take control over all of those things, but he should, his head and heart ached, and his galaxy is already swallowed by a black hole.
Jaehyun's grades were getting lower and lower. Jaehyun studied, God knows how much he did, it's just that his efforts weren't matching his results.
His mind was calculating too many things concurrently; it was too much work to cope with, he put his hands on his ears as if he was trying to stop himself from thinking and questioning, it never worked and it'll never work that's why he just cried and wished to scream his lungs out.
It's hard to put his emotions aside from his study. Jaehyun thought that he always put each of them aside, but he chose engineering based on his fears and preferences. It wasn't a pure equation and a mathematic-like function, he broke his own unsaid rules from the beginning.
Jaehyun chose engineering based on emotions, which wasn't a professional choice to make in such a context.
But then how else he had to choose? Jaehyun's grades in school were the highest in every subject. Jaehyun needed stronger data than numbers back then, and it should have been his emotions.
How had the numbers he placed so much emotional trust in turned on him like this? He had mixed his emotions with numbers back then, and the result was precisely good.
But it doesn't work anymore.
The professor's voice calling his name got him out of his brain.
He gave him his exam paper. There was a look of disappointment on Mr. Alfred Thomas' face.
Jaehyun failed...
For the first time in his life, Jaehyun failed an exam.
Jaehyun couldn't breathe, he couldn't process either.
He put his palm on his chest as if he were calming himself.
He couldn't believe it. He checked the name; he wrote it himself on the paper, as if by some magic it was going to change to another name.
It didn't.
how
Jaehyun's hands then started shaking. He heard the noise of his colleagues after a while, but they weren't clear, as if Jaehyun was standing on a high bridge, the voices were miles away, a blurry sluggish to his mind.
So was his vision. Jaehyun grabbed his items from the desk quickly in a messy way.
Jaehyun wasn't aware of his trembling legs taking him outside. His eyes were blurry; his tears didn't fall down, but they prevented him from seeing.
Jaehyun fell; he fell on his way to the college's gate, his glasses were broken, it took him a while to gather himself like a ball, he didn't care if somebody has seen him, he just wanted to let go of all the tears he has been preventing.
He put his head on his knees; he hugged his legs.
His knee was bleeding, and it was burning .... exactly like the tears falling from his eyes down to his cheeks, and the burning feeling in his stomach was disgusting and he might throw up right now in any second.
He looked down; his paper was in front of his face, it was ripped from the side because of the way he grabbed it.
A very big minus was next to his name. It gave him another panic attack, ache in the heart, feeling like his intestines are being twisted; he was outside, but he felt all the air was taken from him, a suffocating feeling haunted his breathe. Jaehyun wanted to call his parents, who lived in another city, to come and get him; he wanted to be home.
But no, Jaehyun was self-raised; he never asked them for such a thing, and he never will.
"We never worried about you; you took all care of yourself, you were always a descent smart child." that's what they said on Jaehyun's graduation day from high school, but Jaehyun was independent in a hard way. He had to learn every lesson in double pain, more than one time, all alone. But can he blame them? They're human beings after all, they gave Jaehyun all what he needed except attention, they didn't know, Jaehyun excused them, but it is painful, it has always been painful, as a child and as an adult, Jaehyun was so emotional, but there had never been a place to pour his emotions into.
For the first time, Jaehyun wasn't happy because he was impressively independent and self-taught.
Jaehyun wanted to call Mark, but what was he going to tell him? I got a 'NOTHING' in my exam in the field I chose; therefore, I have no right to complain because I did it to myself? What was all that about? Jaehyun's tears stopped coming out, he stopped weeping pathetically, and he didn't care about how many students saw him like this, he just stopped.
What is everything's about? he questioned, and suddenly Jaehyun felt empty.
What was Jaehyun's life about if he had to care and question everything? Who was Jaehyun if he meant nothing while he cared too much about everything and everyone and their opinions and reactions? Why does Jaehyun care so much? what is life about if it had no meaning.
All of his life stopped for a moment.
With a heavy heart and wet cheeks, Jaehyun stood up.
He had to use all his remaining power to stand up, as if his heart was carrying his bones, flesh, and muscles.
All at once, Jaehyun's brain stopped functioning, and his body was heavy much like his burdens.
He knew that no energy drink in the world would work in this moment.
He left his exam paper on the ground. He held his bag on his back, but it was like carrying a million rocks. He wanted to leave it on the floor as well, but he stopped thinking; he said 'No' to his thoughts, no more thinking.
With a heavy heart and slow steps, he walked to his apartment. He looked at the door of his apartment; thank God it was on the ground floor, but now he had the burden of getting his keys out of his bag.
With a big sigh, he did that. Luckily, he put his keys in the side pocket of his bag.
He left his keys outside, stuck in the door's keyhole, because he couldn't care less. He left his bag on the side and let his heavy form fall onto the bed.
One of his neighbours called his name to give him his keys that night, but Jaehyun didn't reply.
'I'll place them on this table, lock your door if you're awake, alright?' His question was replied with silence. Jaehyun was awake; he just didn't have the power to talk. He said to himself that he'd get better. He slept again, he woke up at 4:00 am and drank water, only to get back to his bed again, because God knows how much effort he used in that movement of getting up and taking steps to the fridge, then taking all the way back, despite the spiritual tiredness he felt in the process.
Trying to get back to university is harder than getting back to bed. Jaehyun, who has never missed a lecture, has been absent from university for two days.
When he finally had the strength to go to university, he couldn't stand it. He wanted to sit in his usual, familiar place in the first seat in the first row because, alongside bad eyesight, he had really bad hearing. Still, he barely endured one lecture; by the next lecture, he went and sat in the back; by the third lecture, he decided to run away to his comfy bed again. After three days, the same thing happened, except that he couldn't even endure the first lecture.
His bed was his only companion this time. He would eat only one meal, which was basically unhealthy ramen, and throw the plastic cup anywhere because .... does he even care? and sometimes he'd simply quit eating. He rotted in his bed and waited for this cloud to disappear day by day, but it didn't.
The days passed so heavily that Jaehyun didn't remember what today's date was; he didn't care.
He thought that he was just having a break. He thought that he was changing into a better person and that this careless moment would make him leave his delusional love towards Johnny. He thought that he was getting himself purified from the dust, but the only dust that was there was the grey dust settling on his study desk and on his lovely books, the books he cared too much about earlier. The dust settled over his unread books on Gropius and Le Corbusier, a grey shroud for a life he no longer recognized. The days didn't wait for him; the nights became mornings; the mornings were heavier; life was moving, but not him. He was looking and waiting for his inner soul to wake up, but as the days were moving, his breath, heart, and body were becoming heavier.
Jaehyun had been absent from his college and his friends for three weeks now. He didn't do his assignments, and he didn't reply to the messages and didn't answer phone calls. He sat on his bed and asked himself a question: "When?" It was faced with complete silence. The silence tormented him for days; the only sound he heard, except for his thoughts, was the clock ticking on his wall. Again, the same suffocating feeling took over his brain cells, but thankfully, as if God had sent someone to share his grief—because yes, Jaehyun was grieving for himself—he could write an elegy about his dead self, something was different, his perception on the world, on himself on his university.
But Johnny saw him; he always did. He was the angel, that perfect ideal who perfectly
symbolized the meaning of to be loved is to be seen, heard, and understood.
Johnny entered the room like the lovely breeze of autumn, like the sweet breeze Shelley talked about in Ode to the West Wind, a wind that revived the soul. He was calm; he didn't freak out about Jaehyun's condition. He just talked to Jaehyun, and when Jaehyun didn't reply, he cleaned the room, took out Jaehyun's dirty clothes, got him to take a shower, and cared for him, staying with him until it was noon, or maybe morning. Well, Jaehyun didn't know what time it was, what the date was, or if it was Friday or Tuesday.
But at least he ate real food this time.
Calmly, his friends entered with no noise, they were concerned
and their solicitude about him became a habit.
One by one, they re-entered his frozen lake as he withdrew.
In the morning there are Yuta and Jungwoo, then there are Taeyong and Johnny, and Mark at last. They didn't want to break the icy lake; they hoped it would melt away and Jaehyun would rise from his solitude again by the gentle care and touch of a friend.
But sometimes the plan changes. They have other things to do, of course. Sometimes they might disappear for a day; sometimes it's only Yuta for the whole day, and sometimes all of them are with him. Jaehyun loved it when they were here, or maybe he didn't. He really didn't know what he felt; he felt hollow. He accepted the food and the showers, but he remained a stranger to his own skin.
"I don't know what it is like to have deep emotions. I only feel nothing, but I feel it completely" he remembered a line he read by Sylvia Plath. The problem is that the original line said, "I don't know what it feels like to not have deep emotions." This line appealed to his old self, the one he was before collapsing into the form that he is now. Jaehyun is ambiguous, like the words he was afraid of, like the questions he was afraid of, like the literature he was afraid of. He could only ask himself, "Am I happy? Am I fine? What do I feel? Am I even sad?" He heard nothing, and nothing is what he felt.
Calm is the morn without a sound,
Calm as to suit a calmer grief,
And in my heart; if calm at all,
If any calm, a calm despair
Calm on the seas, and silver sleep,
And waves that sway themselves in rest,
And dead calm in that noble breast
Which heaves but with the heaving deep.
Tennyson talked about his grief over his dead friend, and Jaehyun felt as if he were grieving for his dead soul while remembering the lines.
"I overthink. I over love. I lover feel. I'm the sea or I'm nothing" by Juansen Dizon. The first lines that described old Jaehyun are no longer applicable to his new spirit if it existed. He's the North without the Star; he's a sea of nothing.
His overemotionality has consumed his soul. He was an over-person; Overambitious, Over-feeler, his sentiments and intensity were overwhelming that he tried to repress them, but when his small hands were unable to hold on or grasp anymore; they all cascaded down upon him like a waterfall or a broken dam till there was nothing left to feel anymore the flood of emotions washed up everything and now .... he's a desert rather than a sea.
Unlighted was the clinking latch;
Weeded and worn the ancient thatch
Upon the lonely moated grange.
At this moment, Jaehyun waited for nothing, he wasn't Marina who waited for her lover, his windows were uplifted only when Yuta or Jungwoo appeared, and the view outside did nothing to him but reminded him of how much time has passed, and he's stagnant in a North that lead to nowhere.
A sign about a rhythmic circle of time that meant nothing. Winter's snow turned to be Spring rain, and the rain become summer heat, the heat again was turning into autumn winds, the winds he once loved, but the winds in his soul that once motivated him became a cold-winter air in his lungs. watching his friends move around him like ghosts of a future he no longer cared about.
Jaehyun thought that he's just a warrior taking a breath during the battle, but he has left his sword and sat, not caring about the whole life around him.
The weeks became month, the month turned into months, and the year passed by a glance. He watched Jungwoo and Mark placing and decorating the Christmas tree in his room, but the happy bells of the church and the happy smiles didn't approach his heart, only disturbed his calm sea, each ring made him troubled in his static space, they reminded him of a poem he once read the elegy about his soul, trapped in a body he no longer wanted to be in, only if he could erase this pain.
The time draws near the birth of Christ:
The moon is hid; the night is still;
The Christmas bells from hill to hill
Answer each other in the mist.
Four voices of four hamlets round,
Swell out and fail, as if a door
Were shut between me and the sound
This year I slept and woke with pain I almost wish'd no more to wake,
And that hold on life would break Before I heard those bells again:
But they my troubled spirit rule, For they controll'd me when a boy;
They bring me sorrow touch'd with joy
Wild bells reminded him of the boy he was; one who enjoyed Christmas and smiled and played around, a sorrow way to mock his present self, the one who once had faith and happiness and love, mostly love that can cover the whole eternity across the lines of being has gone long time ago, now he just pity himself and empathy with the old child he was, a child who didn't know this is how his future would be, he just lived and didn't know what awaited for him, a grave of his own made.
The only love left is his friends' love around him, talking to him while he might answer in a sentence or less or never answers, but still he wanted them to be near, only if they talked to each other and not to him, he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts, they'd only give him dark ideas about erasing that pain in a quiet movement nobody will notice it, when he's alone he'd get those ideas slowly stalking to his mind.
Nothing was there to save him from those ideas that might kill him in any moment, but the fact that he's too lazy, too tired even after doing nothing for more than a year, saved him, because how can he Get the will to think about easy way to do that calm suicide, then stand up to actually do it ? When his friends would come and cut those ideas off, he was thankful, his laziness was a form of grace, their presence was a form of grace, he realized that after hearing a line from a singer he once loved when Taeyong put on some music to change the mood
"I'd do anything to not be alone
All alone with the ceiling
All alone with this feeling
And I wonder if I'll ever let go" Lauv
The words are too sharp to express Jaehyun's inner self.
"I could spend my whole life getting over you". Mainly because Jaehyun wanted to get over Johnny, who will come every single day to check on him, and cook for him and brush his hair and change his mattress, it was less about getting over Johnny and more about the other being the reason behind tis corruption.
“I wonder," Jaehyun said to Johnny expressionlessly " If I will ever go back to who I was, to do or to love the things I used to love, or to just love.” He feels his eyelids are heavy, and it's not because he's sleepy. He's already slept for few hours, Jaehyun is just tired of this reality, and he can't bear it anymore. " I pray for you Jaehyunnie" Johnny said in a shy calm tone " you know I never pray or believe, but everyone prays in the end, it hurts me to see you like this, and I hope you won't take this as a new burden, even if it took you years to come back, I'll wait for you" The look in his eyes reminded Jaehyun of the old gaze he gave to Taeyong, he rarely come with Taeyong for a few months since the great collapse, which is better than seeing his reasons of shattering coming together. The problem now is that Jaehyun, after all of what happened so far, still can't tell Johnny about his feelings, he still can't tell him "It's ironic how you pray for me, when you're the very reason I'm like this" Jaehyun can't betray his remaining morals, he won't destroy the friendship that's trying to get him out of his miserable self, he won't use his misery as an excuse to get Johnny back and break the angel figure, Taeyong, lovely Taeyong who clipped his nails and brought him an extra blanket in the cold days.
He's still sacrificing his self like a Martyrdom to the ones he cared about, or maybe that's an another excuse or self-delusion he no longer cared, he didn't want a love out of pity, a love comes from when his heart chose, Johnny carness was just another layer added to that love, he was still going to love Johnny despite all circumstances, love can't be a consequence of 'nother love, Jaehyun didn't tell Johnny about his feelings from the beginning because he didn't Johnny to love back, he wanted Johnny to love him because he felt it, not because Jaehyun made him notice, because love isn't a consequence of someone else's feelings, if so ... then it's not a love just a reaction, so was Jaehyun being a martyrdom, or he's just still selfish thinking only about himself, if he had confessed his feelings to Johnny in the past would Johnny chose him over Taeyong and anybody else?.
Jaehyun wanted no pity, but he still ended up like this, a corpse in a sea of nothing, a flesh without a soul, but did he care that much? Previously he cared too much about future, friends, his parents and his love. It's now that he remembered his old logic, that love sprung by its own, he once said that Johnny would choose him at the end without any effort of Jaehyun, Johnny would just realise he loves Jaehyun, so no matter how much he tried to get Johnny's attention, he'd still chose Taeyong, because Taeyong was different, he wasn't more than Jaehyun or less than him, he was Just Taeyong.
Love isn't an equation to be solved, no more and never the least.
15th January. why nothing seems to change?
February.
March.
April.
May.
Jun.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
December.
The new year and the bells only added a layer of misery. everything's moving but he's living in a stagnant lake.
But again ....
15th January. why nothing seems to change?
February.
March.
April. or was it February?
May.
Jun.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
December.
Why December is so heavy? so cold, so quiet, no Christmas carol can ring a bell in his heart.
Then again .... again .... again....
1st January. would anything ever change? He wishes to get back in time, to get his spark back .... to know how, why was he so energetic, so ambitious. What was the secret back then? he is alive, but he is not living.
February....
March; I'm tired of all the nights awake
Carryin' this weight
It's been so heavy - Shawn Mendes.
April....
May....
Jun....
July....
August....
September....
October....
November....
December....
And the more Jaehyun is near the birth of Christ, the heavier it becomes.
It's one week before the Christmas, today he was alone, his friends went to Mark's graduation, not all of them because he heard Johnny saying he had some work to do, maybe doing a small party to Mark. Jaehyun had already missed Yuta's, Taeyong's and Johnny's graduation, but he attended Jungwoo's graduation for half an hour before he felt sick and asked Yuta to get him out. He watched the time passes by; in his freshman year, he was introduced to Taeyong, by the end of it and until the end of sophomore year he was fighting a ghosts and shadows to get Johnny back until he was shattered into pieces, now it's been three years since he left university, his friends are graduating and starting new chapters in their lives while he's still stuck in the shadow lands.
The shadow was everywhere around him and might swallow him in any minute now if his friends didn't come back again to save him without them knowing, he kind of didn't want to be saved, what is he point of being alive if this is how his reality looked like; a desert. The last ray of faith is the only thing tied him to this breath he didn't want to have, the child in him who believed in faith is preventing him from living another hell after the one he's living right now, Jaehyun wanted God's mercy to approach him and take this miserable soul out of this stingy body. The picture Christ was placed Infront of his eyes, there was also the bible, Mark's bible with a cross necklace on the top of it, Mark was doing his prayers here in the last few months.... the fact that even after years of nothingness, they still chose to stay by his side, even when he didn't stand by his side.
He looked at his fingers and moved them marginally—those tools of logic that had once failed to hold his tower together— testing the reality of his own existence. He whispered to the darkness, to the God he once forgotten, a calmer tear, a white flag of surrender that escaped and vanished in his cotton pillow. "Can't you see me?" The whisper was a final silent cry, a s if he's begging God to take him back to heavens because he had nothing left in the shadow land.
--"The Earth, say'st thou? The Human race?
By Me created? Sad its lot?"
It was a poem he read long ago that made him mad at the writer he loved, Thomas asked God if he had forgotten earth, or earth forgotten God, that God lost the file of its existence, Jaehyun now wondered if God had forgotten him, he begged God to remember him and take him to his grace.
"But say'st thou 'tis by pangs distraught,
And strife, and silent suffering? -"
He repeated calmly, a line that made another tear fall.
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean;
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.
Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail
Sad as the last which reddens over one
Said Tennyson, mourning a friend; said Jaehyun, mourning himself.
Jaehyun wasn't the only one praying. Another soul was leaving the world shut behind, along with their beliefs and what meant for right or wrong. Johnny, who once said he prayed for Jaehyun, now is down on his knees in his room, putting both of his hands together until his fingers crossed with pain, a nonbeliever praying to any God that might hear him now, any power that moved this universe, to save Jaehyun. He placed both hands on his forehead and begged and asked for any advice or look from the internal power, any saviour to turn to Jaehyun, "if there's any awaken God who can hear me, save him" Jaehyun asked God to take back his file to the heavens, and Johnny asked any God to find and fix Jaehyun's file, it was painful for Johnny, to see the person he cared about and loved becoming like this, being unable to do anything about it but cry for God's he never believed in their power or existence to help. The lights of faith are no longer rays, because when Jaehyun woke up after a few hours, he saw the afternoon lights approaching his room through the cloudy, depressed atmosphere outside, and reddening over the Bible and the picture on the wall, the same lights that shined on Johnny's hair while he was riding his bicycle on his way to work, from between the clouds. They were praying under God's light for the same reason in different fonts, and God has never forgotten; He always sees.
It's been so heavy, it's been so long
Runnin' from everything and nothin' at all
You've been rock-steady tryna help me through
Now I'm finally ready to let you - Shawn Mendes.
God needn't to speak to Jaehyun, he was already in his mind, in his faith, in his existence, with every heavy breath he took, God knew, God felt it. the child figure on Jaehyun's mind called him from his memories after seven days.
"This is not me, I have time" Jaehyun needn't two hours of thinking to sit up, he Just sat and looked at the son picture on his wall, because this is not Jaehyun, he can stand up even if it took him hours, so what? What if he took hours to stand up, he still can. For the first time in three or more years; Jaehyun got up and cook for himself and brushed his teeth. When Yuta saw him cleaning his dishes at that night, he said nothing but celebrated in his heart. And Jaehyun celebrated decorating the Christmas tree at the Christmas eve with Taeyong. He was in fact slow in everything, talking, but at least he talked, washing dishes, or any other simple task, but he was at least active, though it is a very big word to describe him right now, but he was at least here.
I've been so lonely, runnin' from home
I've been on my own now for way too long
You've been tryna talk to me to give me the truth
Now I'm finally ready to let you - Shawn Mendes.
" There's a lovely poem I read a very long years ago, by Tennyson" Jaehyun said, his voice is still tired, and his heart is still heavy, but he knew he wasn't the same Jaehyun weeks ago, and so his friends knew.
"Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
Ring out wild bells and let him die.
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells across the snow
Ring out the grief that saps the mind."
He muttered to Taeyong " You read In Mamoriam?!" Taeyong gulped with a smile, "I was required to read it in high school, I read half of it as to pass the exam but somehow I ended up with an +A" Taeyong declared while laughing and hanging a star on the top of the tree. "You're just too smart, but I love poetry, and art that's why I read it it's a beautiful poem" for the first time, Jaehyun talked about poetry to someone other than Johnny, not afraid to be Judged, not afraid to share his emotions, for someone like Jaehyun, thoughts are something as deep as emotions. Taeyong will never Judge him anyway, Taeyong was like the shadow of his self, he was everything Jaehyun rejected, he was the art Jaehyun was afraid of, he was the chaos Jaehyun ran away from, he was the unanswered questions Jaehyun's brain couldn't solve, he was everything Jaehyun wasn't, he was the things Jaehyun loved and was afraid of, he was the unexpressed emotions Jaehyun hated and was afraid of, he was the fear Jaehyun couldn't face. Jaehyun thought he was perfect his whole life, but he was just insecure at the bottom, he layered his insecurities with a perfect wall not to be seen, he just had to accept himself not what others accepted and expected from him. The high expectations were no longer his concern, he built new habits for himself, brush his teeth, after a few months he was able to do his simple old habits of hygiene.
7th January, it took Jaehyun hour and a half to finally get up, but reaching the bathroom was faster floor was cold, but the shower felt nice. it was an accomplishment, that's it.
February, his toothbrush felt like it was made of iron, but his teeth were clean, it made him happy.
March, he opened the window and changed his mattress, the morning air was cold, but it felt clean, and for the first time, he didn't feel like taking was too heavy for him, in fact, with every breath he took, he unburdened himself from heavy thoughts.
April, Mark brought him coffee, and he placed the cup in the coaster.
May, he walked to the grocery store, Johnny bought him peaches as well.
June, he looked back at his engineering bag, the one that witnessed his break down; the dust was thick, but the leather was still there.
July, he did a new haircut, and went to the bookstore with Taeyong and Yuta, he didn't Know that they were in a relationship, maybe he was too drowned to notice, but now he knew, it was lovely.
When August has finally arrived, Jaehyun removed the dust from his old books and studied what he abandoned in the past three years, it was in fact so heavy, but now, it wasn't about marks, it was about doing all what he loved, numbers aren't just a way to be the best, numbers are his love, he can enjoy rather than feel stressed,, finally he went back to his engineering numbers and books, not to be a perfect performer but as a knight who just healed from the last battle's wounds, he didn't want perfection, he just wanted to be happy. He enjoyed every moment, he enjoyed going back to lectures, he saw Professor Thomas who actually remembered him, it made Jaehyun's heart flutter with happiness.
But his suffering didn't end with a single night, even after the year has passed, there's still a murmur in his heart that makes him afraid, afraid of saying that his feelings towards Johnny didn't disappear, they were like a weapons triggering towards his soul, if he admitted those feelings again, he'll fall again, and if he kept ignoring them and drowned himself with assignments he'll fall again as well, what is he supposed to do ? He looked at the sky after he has finished his last lecture for today, he wanted God's help again he needed guidance. Jaehyun felt as if he's standing at the shore, the sea is touching his toes sometimes, he might drown in any minute, and he's afraid that in this time he'll never survive. He knew that Johnny and Taeyong actually broke up after a few months from his collapse, Mark told him; but that doesn't make Johnny his, the two men still have history together. He didn't know why they broke up, but it seems like there was no drama, he knew that they're still friends that's why they weren't awkward in their meetings in Jaehyun's apartment. He's just not allowing himself to look at Johnny. Jaehyun felt like he's trying to build another wall that'll fall on him again and take his breath away.
Jaehyun remembered a line by Tennyson that usually calmed his worried head, only when he suffocated with pressed emotions he wanted to accept but he couldn't; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all" He hated standing on the shore and wanted to be away, being away of shore meant desert, why.... it is again like this, all or nothing? but it all bursted in his face as they were hanging around in Mark's apartment in a random December night, it is truly normal to be in Mark's apartment even if he wasn't here. Jaehyun was in the kitchen cooking them some ramen, looking back in time .... it has been six years for him to experience all of this and start over again, all of his friends pursued a career while his is still in university, he feels a little guilt, but he wouldn't be the one he is today without that one experience .... life, the cruellest teacher is life, but we learn. When Johnny approached him suddenly and got him out of his ideas, he knew that in fact he didn't change a lot, only his perspective on life did, the way he panic was solid evidence to remind him of that he is still so pathetically intense. "Hey wanna help?" said Johnny, though he was calm, but the way Jaehyun reacted made him feel guilty "You surprised me! no, I don't it is just ramen it is easy" replied Jaehyun with a smile "Sorry bud...." then there was silence, Jaehyun didn't care about it, but Johnny did, because he had something in mind to say ...
"Listen ... I don't know how to tell you this, and it makes me feel guilty and selfish to tell you" He was looking down as if he's confessing a sin to a priest Infront of God, he didn't know why he felt guilty, he didn't know why he feels heavy and the way he started talking, made Jaehyun confused, he hopes that nobody has died....
"I really like you Jaehyun, and I feel that I have no right to love you, but I can't help but love you, I don't know how or when.... it just sprung in my heart one day, know we've been friends for more than 12 years, but I love you and it was hard to bring myself to say it, especially after dating someone from our group and I feel awful now, but it is painful to love you from distance .... if you wanted to reject me, then please don't affect our friendship, it is selfish... I'm sorry" Jaehyun didn't say anything as he saw Johnny tearing up, in fact, he wished that someone had actually died at least it was better than love confession he just went out and he was terrified, he saw his hand shaking in fear and anxious again, he thought it's happening again, he thought that it's the end, he just looked at the stary night and wondered why is God torturing him again after saving him, his heart is skipping a beat, and he can find no answers for this situation, when he waned Johnny, the heavens might shut down on earth and God won't let him have the man, but when he accepted this distance, God gave it to him, with nothing in return, Jaehyun didn't want to be a warrior again, this time, if the tide took him, he's gone forever, the sky was full of stars not a North without star. " Jay, I'm sorry, I please ......'' Johny felt himself shallow, how can he tell his friend to forget his love confession.... his friend that went through a lot, his sensitive friend who will take everything as burden to his heart, he blamed himself, he regrated his words he ...
"Johnny, you're so selfish.... you are so selfish!" cried Jaehyun "how can you just say that, like it is nothing, you say it so brave and so disgustingly!!" the tears and screams didn't stop, Mark's apartment was empty, and that's better, none of them both loved drama.
"yes, I'm selfish, God I'm sorry, call me what you want but you can't prevent my feelings from you" he was on his knees, holding both of Jaehyun's hands on his forehead, asking forgiveness for having feelings.
"You want me to forget?...... how could you! did you know what I've endured because of you?" Jaehyun compressed Johnny's hands, while Johnny wore confusion on his face, what had Jaehyun endure because of him? " You cannot just come and tell you have feelings for me without any complexity; I've LOVED you don't understand!" the scream was louder than he expected, the murmur in the heart was roar in disguise, he felt insulted he felt jealous of Johnny, why love seemed to be simple for Johnny why...why...why. life is cruel.
for Johnny, who was shocked, who didn't know when or why as well, seeing his friend and his love crash out like this made him stand up and take the other to his embrace, it felt like heaven for Jaehyun who waited for a love confession in the darkness, love confession that will transfigure him, his arms around Johnny's waist felt like a dream, again why love is complicated for him and not for Johnny, not for anyone else but him, why was he born this way?
It was a moment of realization that God sprung it in his heart, Jaehyun didn't want to be a warrior who left his sword and leave again, Jaehyun felt the warmness of Johnny's clasp, Jaehyun knew that this time if he fell to the black hole, he won't comeback, that this time it's just him afraid and terrified to take what is being offered you him with no fight, the sky was full of stars not a North without star, Jaehyun found his star finally.
Jaehyun told Johnny about all his unspoken words, all his hidden love from years and how he loved Johnny for more than 10 years, all of that with no words needed, just a kiss under the moonlight and stars.
Jaehyun felt more than kissing Johnny, it felt like a Solar Eclipse, so selfish, so pure, so innocent, Jaehyun took all the sun to himself, there were no miles separating them apart, not even Taeyong who simply loved and accepted what Johnny and Jaehyun shared.
God didn't forget Jaehyun, God just waited for him to be ready to be stronger, his file was never forgotten, and God has never closed his file he watched his son arising from the frozen ice to realise that the star was always there to lead him back to his home, to God's grace again.
Jaehyun loved whatever they are now, he loved when Johnny waited for him outside his university to take him to a date, he loved when Johnny brought him his favourite spider lilies, when he held his heavy bag, when he played puzzles with him, made him cookies and cook for him during his exams, cleaned his room when he didn't have time to because he knew it'll stress Jaehyun out if his room didn't smell like flowers.
And when they lay on Johnny's bed, cuddling while watching an animation meant for kids but Jaehyun would over criticize the plot and characters, Johnny will listen, like he has aways been, a good listener.
And the small loving gestures when Johnny interlock their pinkies together when they're with the whole friend bond that never changed.
In fact, they were obvious as lovers, but Jaehyun didn't like too much physical interaction before others; he still wanted to be around Johnny though, and his friends would always leave him a space next to his beloved.
Johnny loved taking him to fancy dates, all dressed in rich perfume on and cherished with flowers.
it's been one year on their relationship, crazy how time flies when someone is happy and satisfied in everything, but it doesn't mean that Jaehyun had gave up on fear and thoughts, he imagines what his life would look like if Johnny decided that they won't work together, even though they never fought during this year ....
"So .... it is not like I'm trying to dig the past, but why did you and Taeyongie broke up? you were... well, good,, perfect together" Jaehyun swallowed, he knew that Johnny would be honest with him and won't cause a fight even when it is Jaehyun's fault.. "It was kind of my faut, I think" he stopped for a moment recalling some memorize "I tried to control our relationship, I would organize his books or clothes, or try to chose his style.... I mean for me it was a way of,, let me say care, admiratin, afiction but it affected both of us, caused some repression when we held back what we wanted to say then it all .... ended, I think we were better as friends rather than lovers, did that answer satisfy you lovey?" he was intermingeling their hands togather, taking Jaehyun hand for a kiss after each sentence, he knew what to say, when to say, how to control the mood and chose the perfect songs in the car.
As much as you waited
I've waited for this day too
Give me twenty roses
So I can feel your love
As I wait for you
I close my eyes
Teach me
How love is so
Sweet and fragrant, coming of age ceremony - park ji yoon
Johnny played this song on their way home in the car from another date and gave him 77 red roses with 22 white lilies, he had added this to their old forgotten playlist few days ago, he knew that Jaehyun was still listening to it like a little treasure he owned and that he noticed the song. The rain was dropping on the flowers in Jaehyun arm as he stepped out of the car, Johnny put his jacket on both of them, but they were already wet, so it added nothing though it made Jaehyyun's heart flutter as he looked into Johnny's eyes, who kissed him while loosening the jacket on Jaehyun's shoulder making them kiss under rain and the heavy sound of thunder and sweet light of street in addition to the gentle light of thunder that flickered on Jaehyun's face and Johnny's shoulders.
The fragment of the flowers is filling up the apartment and the bedroom t as they got wet from rain, the kisses didn't stop but they troubled Jaehyun's mind with sweetness but also with fears.
He put his fingers and squeezed Johnny's shoulder trying to grasp for an anchor, not knowing what to do, the thunder outside was much like his unspoken fears, what if he got dependent on Johnny balancing his world again and got shattered into pieces once more.
But Johnny understood the sign of helplessness Jaehyun is experiencing right now, he put his arms around the others waist, without cutting the sweet kiss and the gentle sound of kissing filling the room he took he to the bed. Jaehyun's need to be with Johnny even if he was afraid of burning if he touched him it was hurting him, his heart was fluttering from joy and fear, it felt so tempting to let go, of all worries and feelings and fears and lose control, but the last time he lost control, he felt everything all at once made him empty like a desert, unconsciously, he was building another dam.
Unlike other children, Jaehyun always loved the sound of thunder since he was 5 years old, it brought some excitement to his heart as he waited for the heavy sound to come after the lights.
Though the thunder sound outside was like a reflection to the tide roaring over the small dam he is building around his soul. if only he would let go of all self-control and hand it to Johnny, who always knew what to do, unlike him.
Johnny lied him on the white sheets that contrasted with banquet of flowers Jaehyun let go of on the same sheets. even after being under the rain, the graceful smell under Jaehyun's ear still fragmented as Johnny kissed him there and noticed the shaky hands that told a lot of Jaehyun's state of mind, so he kissed them, kissed his fingertips, knuckles and his palm, making Jaehyun feel seen, feel venerable, feel worth it. "Give me all of you darling, never hold back" said Johnny as he goes back to kiss the other's plumbed lips, with his tongue and teeth to explore every corner, trying to get every possible sigh from Jaehyun.
"Let me love you slowly, let me worship you .... please" the please was never meant to force Jaehyun but invite him to stop thinking and focus and what they are right now, having sex while holding back will not satisfy Jaehyun at all; Johnny knows better.
"Johnny.... please, please" he didn't know what he wanted but he begged as he cried, listening to the rain and thunder outside as the light approached the room and on Johnny's face, it did something in his stomach, too much to deal with made him cry, afraid to go into circle of nothing.
Johnny put his thumb in Jaehyun's mouth as the younger bit it, at the same moment Johnny opened Jaehyun buttons with his teeth one by one, exposing his skin and kissing him everywhere like a prayer.
the scattered flowers around had soft petals on Jaehyun's naked back, though the peduncle were hard, but Johnny removed the thorns already, they were just cold, like Jaehyun feet that twisted in joy he couldn't express by words, his brain is telling him something while his body is showing another.
He pulled Johnny's shirt and the older took it off. Skin to skin, lips for lips, hip for hip.
It sent a shiver down Jaehyun's spine as he tried to prevent another moan pulling Johnny's neck to have another kiss.
"What is the wrong love? let go, let me love you completely, all of you" said Johnny with heavy breath as he was removing Jaehyun's pants while eating his lips up.
"I can't Johnny, tis.... hard I can't hold on, I can't ......" between the kisses and the salty tears on his cheeks that Johnny kissed and left a taste in his mouth.
"I want all of you please, love, half of you isn't enough for me, I want all of you" he kissed Jaehyun's neck and bit his shoulder "let me see all of you as you see me, with no cover, with no invisible filter between us" he spread Jaehyun's naked legs and kissed his thigh "It is unfair, you can see me, see my reality, see all of me but I can't see all bad and good in you, reciprocate for me, love, you know I'll love and kiss every piece of your heart" Jaehyun's hand went to pull Johnny's pants aside, he wanted to focus on the feeling but tried to control it, multitasking made his heart double beat not just because of the rising heat but for the holding back that's trying to incontinences of senses to the tremendous of stability and comfort Johnny offered.
Jaehyun's body is screaming surrender, while his brain is building a new row on the dam.
"Tell me what do you want Jaeyhun- speak to me" he tilted Jaehyun's head and grasped his chin to look directly in Johnny's eyes, his wet lashes felt cold when he blinked.
"I want you everywhere, with no complication and no .... but it is hard to let go, Johnny, it is really hard, how... how can you, how could you" Johnny leaned on Jaehyun and lift him up making Jaehyun sit on his hips, and pulled him down for a kiss, spreading apart Jaehyun's ass cheeks and getting lube from down the pillow, all ready like this, made Jaehyun let go of a small sound between kisses.
Jaehyun felt himself losing control while being around johnny's fingers, one of Johnny's hands is rubbing circles on Jaehyun waist, the other is rubbing pleasure in Jaehyun's hole that quivered in joy.
Johnny then sat, making Jaehyun sit on his lap, his hand is now round Jaehyun's jaw while he kissed him, while the other was still throbbing inside Jaehyun. and Jaehyun's newly clipped nails left scrapes and bruises on Johnny's shoulders. When Johnny placed the pillow again under Jaehyun's head and back before laying him again on the bed, getting down to kiss Jaehyun's thighs and lick his juices at the same time Jaehyun was holding a cry and stretching the pillow under him trying to relief some stress that his knuckles turned white, and as usual, Johnny saw him, kissed his knuckles and pulled Jaehyun hands to his mouth, as if he was taking Jaehyun repressed passion and breath it up, like smoke.
Johnny eased his dick in Jaehyun's hole, between the salty tears and losing control over feelings "Give up for me love" and Jaehyun obeyed, he finally let go of the monstruous beast he tried to chain, he let himself feel it all, wash over his body like sacred lights not a monster.
Jaehyun let go of his mask, of his performance, he shed off every idea held him back, and each time Johnny waved in, Jaehyun softly screamed and moaned, enjoying what he didn't allow himself to feel, feeling the dam that enclosed his feelings being cracked with each cry of pleasure.
Jaehyun whimpered no sense, mumbled unclear sentences and Johnny kissed them all, swallowed every piece of Jaehyun with kisses and complements and ressureing words.
And even through all the phases, tell me you accept me
Well, that's all I'm dying to hear
Tell me that you need me, tell me that I'm loved
Tell me that I'm worth it and that I'm enough.
"I wanna be perfect for you Johnny, I wanna be your only one" said Jaehyun letting the tide of intense emotions take him.
"There are no numbers Jay, it is just you, only you no first, no second, it is just you and me your skin with mine, your lips with mine, your hip and your love and your eyes, it is just you and us darling."
After the climax of heat has gone, the rain is still getting harder outside, hitting the window and the flowers in the balcony. Johnny is tracing shapes on Jaehyun's back, his lips on Jaehyun's forehead. Jaehyun spoke as he was putting his head on Johnny's chest holding one of the fragmented lilies to his nose "Sorry, I feel that I acted weird, I was too much I .... don't know....'' he chuckled softly, awkwardly ... "I'm too much" he bursted into a wave of silent tears. "You're not too much Jay" Johnny pulled him up and looked through his eyes, whipping the falling tears with his thumb "You're just enough." he brushed Jaehyun's hair back "I don't want the perfect side that never fails of you only, I want the nonsense, the uncalculated feelings, I want your love raw, with nothing to hide, even the failed tries, don't you hide anything from me love" a quiet confession in the darkness.
Take it right from the start
Tell me who you are
Every piece of your heart
Every bruise and scar
I wanna know everythin' there is to know
Don't you dare leave nothin' out, no
I'm gonna love you completely
show me a map of your soul
Every second from now
I'm gonna love you completely
Wanna read you like a book
Sippin' on a glass of wine
I wanna get under the surface
And get to the bottom of you
Through good times, bad times
Red lights, stop signs
The one thing you should know
Is my love will always ring true - completely, J.
There clothes were everywhere, roses' petals where everywhere, but they were form of beauty and grace, Solar Eclipse; the whole world was dark, but they were in each other's elegance tendency.
A sweet disorder in the dress
Kindles in clothes a wantonness:
A lawn about the shoulders thrown
Into a fine distraction;
An erring lace, which here and there
Enthralls the crimson stomacher;
A cuff neglectful, and thereby
Ribbands to flow confusedly;
A winning wave (deserving note)
In the tempestuous petticoat;
A careless shoe-string, in whose tie
I see a wild civility;
Do more bewitch me, than when art
Is too precise in every part.
Jaehyun realized, that beauty is everywhere, nothing needed to be perfect to be delightful. Delight in Disorder
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." Beauty is everywhere, in the Grecian Urn and in the messy dress and in the structured Tower. Love is beauty, nature is beauty life is a form of Grace.