It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year…

by Continuing_the_Story1

Summary:

After the events of season four, Hawkins was forced into a military quarantine. But when the prying eyes and concerned glances of family members start to raise suspicion outside of the small town, the military decides to make an exception. For only the week of Christmas, a select group of individuals will be allowed into Hawkins to visit loved ones. This group happens to include some of Jonathan’s California friends. Nancy isn’t quite prepared when she realizes some of these friends are very beautiful, and very interested in her boyfriend.

Or, the Christmas Jancy AU set in between the end of season 4 and beginning of season 5, where Jancy actually work out there issues regarding jealously, Emerson, and the future of their relationship.

For the first time in eight months, Hawkins was going to lift the quarantine that had been in place since Vecna’s portals had opened. 

 

Well, they were going to slightly lift the quarantine, anyway. 

 

It was the holiday season and the weighted pressure of disgruntled friends and family members who had been unable to contact their loved ones within Hawkins seemed to be finally weighing on the military. After all, they wanted to keep the truth from getting out. In turning Hawkins into some mysterious gated-off area, they had only attracted more attention for the outside counties over time. 

 

So, they seemed to believe a good solution would be to let small, select groups of individuals come into Hawkins for only one week during this December. Individuals who had been thoroughly background checked and assessed. 

 

Nancy wasn’t entirely shocked by this decision, after all…it had been eight months since Hawkins locked down. The inhabitants inside were starting to all look a little worse for wear. Plus, she knew the Lieutenant Colonel was smart. He seemed to finally understand that wherever Eleven was in this little town, she had no intent of escaping it. It seemed to relax them in a way. The knowledge that she was willingly staying trapped inside their warzone, like a rat stuck in a looping maze. They didn’t see the same previous threat in letting certain people come and go from the area that they once had. Though, they still intentionally limited how many people could visit to maintain control of the situation. 

 

Somehow, Argyle had managed to weasel his way into a visitor’s pass. Jonathan had told her about it off-handedly when he drove her home after the latest crawl. She hadn’t really been paying attention, still too caught up in her own emotions about the imminent threat of Vecna and his visions to worry about Argyle much. She managed to catch that the eccentric Californian would be arriving near the sixteenth of December, along with two other of Jonathan's new friends. They would be staying for one week in the tiny small town. She supposed she should feel happy that her boyfriend was going to be able to see the people who made his new life on the west coast a little bit easier… but she wasn’t. The looming arrival brought up old wounds regarding Jonathan’s time in California, and the decisions he’d made there. 

 

They hadn’t been the same since he left Hawkins, even though he had sworn it would change how he felt about her back then. They’d been…awkward, disconnected, out-of-sync. They’d been that way since Jonathan had finally admitted that he had lied about his college acceptance to Emerson. 

 

They had planned to go to this school together. Nancy had been ecstatic about it, especially after a time period where she’d begun missing him so constantly. Emerson was going to be their fresh start. Away from the chaos of monsters and the upside down and hawkins. 

 

Finding out they were accepted should’ve been an incredibly happy time for them both to share with one another. Instead, he hid the letter from her for weeks. Deciding impulsively that Emerson was suddenly unfeasible for his familial obligations. He had decided to just attend some random community college in Lenore, and he hadn’t even bothered to talk to her about it once. 

 

Nancy felt…well, betrayed. 

 

It wasn’t that Jonathan didn’t want to go to Emerson. She was well aware of the role he played in his small family. Protector, provider, stabilizer, and structure. In many ways, Jonathan was the glue of the Byers household. Holding it all together when both Will and Joyce could no longer do so themselves. She had always known that when he finally did have to leave his brother it would be hard for him. But, he had agreed to it. 

 

When they made the plan Jonathan had insisted on Emerson being totally possible and perfect for them. He hadn’t mentioned then his fears about being apart from his family. If he had, Nancy could’ve applied to back up colleges out west. 

 

No, instead he had waited until there was nothing Nancy could do to try and be with him. That was the part that kept nagging viciously at her. It felt to her, like Jonathan was actively choosing something else over her. And she couldn’t understand it. 

 

Not when she had spent the one hundred and thirty seven days that separated them counting down the moments until she would finally see him again. Fantasizing about holding him, sniffing the faded smell of denim and pine that only his presence could create. It had been agony to be apart from him. At least, for her. 

 

To hear him so easily decide on a future that not only increased that separation, but make it somewhat permanent had unleashed a dark wave of insecurity inside Nancy. One she still hadn’t quite been able to shake. If he could so easily plan a life without her out in California, then maybe the truth was that he didn’t want her in his future anymore. 

 

She questioned everything thousands of times in the aftermath. Had he really been worried about his family, when he decided to give up their dream? Had it all really just been a tactic to softly break-up with her? In a way he thought would be the least likely to break her heart? Was the only reason they were still together at all the military lockdown that had once again tied them to the same small town? 

 

Was there something that happened in California that made him want to stay there? And, if there was, why wouldn’t he just tell her about it? 

 

Nancy wasted many precious nights staring blankly at the moon through her window. Anxious scenes scattering around in her mind of the various things that could have made him want to give everything up. Blurring together so intensely that sometimes she wasn’t sure what was reality, and what was an idea she had only made up.

 

It didn’t matter that it had now been eight months of Jonathan being back physically beside her, the anxiety hummed constantly beneath her skin. Jonathan might’ve been home physically, but the distance between the two of them had never felt farther. Sometimes, she wanted to say something about it. To break down and cry and fight until they’d battled the distance away like a vicious beast. But, then she’d remember how stupid she’d felt, finding out something that had been so joyful for her…was apparently such a topic of uncertainty for him. She would snap her mouth shut. 

 

In the same amount of time, Steve hadn’t been shy about pursuing her. Quite brazenly, if she was honest. Nancy had assumed that Steve had thought what so many others from their school apparently had. Jonathan and Nancy were too young. With the distance standing in between them, they were certain to break- up eventually. 

 

But, her and Jonathan weren’t some average seventeen year old couple, leisurely enjoying their senior year. They were bonded by something far deeper. She had thought the idea of them not surviving the distance was ludicrous. Especially when it was a temporary distance. 

 

She had assumed that once Jonathan returned, Steve would give up. Return to his normal persona at the sight of her and Jonathan together once more. 

 

But, he hadn’t. Instead, Steve seemed to become more bold after Jonathan’s return. He sensed something was off between them and apparently interpreted their distance as an open invitation to win back the girl he’d lost Sophomore year. 

 

That hadn’t exactly been helping to prompt the kind of open-minded emotionally stable discussion she and Jonathan needed to have. 

 

Instead, her boyfriend had taken to competing with Steve over the simplest of things. Like they were children again, fighting over the best toy. And it was constant. 

 

They would race each other to reach the top of the look-out spots first, each turning back to her in pride when they “won”. To her, the both just looked like wheezing idiots. Then, there were the arguments which happened over everything. If Jonathan thought they should explore sector G, well then Steve had a reason why they should actually be focused on sector B. If Steve wanted to do a crawl at dusk, well then Jonathan found a reason it would be better to organize it at dawn. 

 

The rare times when she’d mention being hungry or thirsty, it wasn’t thirty seconds before she would have waters or sodas or chips or other snacks shoved roughly in her direction from two opposing sides. The two men glaring at each other, like they were the one’s being personally victimized in all this. 

 

Nancy found it to be mostly overwhelming, annoying, and childish. 

 

Yet, she made no attempts to actually stop it. 

 

She expected such bravado behavior from Steve, he had always believed that outperforming the competition would be the way to truly capture her heart. She hadn’t expected it from Jonathan. 

 

Jonathan wasn’t like Steve. He wasn’t loud, or macho, or arrogant in his pursuits of affection. He was…quiet, gentle, deep. 

 

He had never needed to prove he could do more than everyone else to win her heart, he had just needed to see her…in a way nobody else could. 

 

Jonathan was shy and reserved. For him to be thrusting himself this harshly into public displays of competition, it could only mean one thing. He was bothered by Steve’s pursuit of it. Really bothered. 

 

Maybe Nancy should have felt upset about that for him. Maybe she should have tried to comfort him and ease his fears. A good girlfriend probably would’ve. 

 

Instead she found herself with only one, clear thought: good. 

 

He had thought she was disposable before. Something he could so easily live hours away from endlessly. Something he could let go of…

 

She felt that Steve’s attention might be the perfect thing to make him reevaluate how wrong that idea had actually been. 

 

It wasn’t exactly fair to Steve. She knew he read her lack of spoken opposition to his behavior as an indication that her feelings towards him may still linger. They didn’t. They hadn’t for a very long time. 

 

As much as Nancy sometimes wished it could be otherwise in the past few months, her heart belonged to Jonathan Byers. It had always belonged to Jonathan Byers. 

 

Since the moment he dove after her into that interdimensional tree. He hadn’t hesitated or held back in fear of his own safety, he’d only cared about getting her out. After that, her heart had always been his. 

 

She had always felt guilty when she was with Steve, at the way her heart was always half closed to the relationship that was supposed to be growing between them. But, she couldn’t help it. That space was reserved, against her will, for the man who believed her when no one else would. She was always a little too silently aware of Jonathan’s smile, and the way he nervously ran his hands through his hair as he walked the halls. 

 

She’d even tried to wait for Jonathan to ask her out. After they’d gotten Will back. She had kept Steve’s persistent proposals of a relationship at bay through the use of her grief. Whispered apologies of “Now’s not the right time” and “I’m still processing that Barb’s gone.” to buy Jonathan more time. He hadn’t taken it. He’d barely spoken to her, or anyone since Will returned. Finally, she realized that she had read the situation all wrong. Jonathan Byers hadn’t wanted her at all. At least, not how she’d wanted him. And so she’d stopped delaying. Stopped giving Steve excuses of why they couldn’t be together. 

 

The minute she realized Jonathan did care about her in the same way, she hadn’t hesitated. Storming to his door in the middle of the night to kiss him in a way that still made her toes curl when she thought about it now. The action stitching them together in an unbreakable thread. 

 

She did care for Steve…it just wasn’t in that way. 

 

She thought it was adorable, how Robin and Eddie had teamed up in determination to help him win her back. There was something sweet about the way in which he still cared so deeply about her after all this time. But, sweet did not mean that Nancy suddenly could force romantic feelings that weren’t there. It was never going to happen. 

 

To her, there was only ever Jonathan. 

 

She felt a little guilty at times in the past eight months for it. In a way, she knew she was complicit in leading Steve on. Messing slightly with his emotions in a way she shouldn't be. She knew he would never dream of being this insistent with flirting if he didn’t think he had a shot to truly get her back. But, she soothed that guilt with the reminder that she wasn’t actually doing anything to encourage this.

 

She didn’t openly flirt with Steve, or spend time alone with him, or touch him in any way that could give him the wrong idea. She may have been pissed at her boyfriend, but she would still never do anything to Jonathan that could veer into the territory of stepping out on their relationship. She didn’t encourage Robin’s little hints about her and Steve, that were about as subtle as a gun. She simply…didn’t do anything to stop them either. 

 

It might be horrible of her to admit, but goddammit she was human and hurting and so painfully insecure about what her boyfriend actually felt for her, so she didn’t really care: she relished in the fact that Jonathan was finally suffering in the same way she was. Well, a similar way in any regard. 

 

She liked that this was reminding him of just what it was he had with her. She liked that the interest served as a painful reminder about just how easily she could be taken from him. If she’d wanted to be.

 

She didn’t want to be, she wasn’t actually going anywhere. But, Jonathan didn’t need to know that. She wanted Jonathan to feel the same horrible ache of uncertainty and insecurity she had felt since the moment she realized he had planned an entire future without her in it. 

 

Which is why she was sitting back in silent annoyance, watching them argue over pizza of all things. 

 

Nancy, Steve, Robin, Jonathan, Mike, Lucas, and Dustin were sitting in two separate booths of the pizza shop that sat in the middle of Hawkins. The red leather of the seats was faded and dull and a little sticky, and most of the games hadn’t actually worked since ‘84. But the pizza was still delicious. 

 

Christmas twinkle lights were hung half haphazardly along the walls with tape. Like the owners couldn’t manage more than ten percent of their holiday spirit when decorating.  Nancy couldn’t blame them. In fact, she thought the sight represented her internal state pretty well right now. They were here to wait for Argyle’s upcoming arrival, and all Nancy really wanted was a slice of the pizza from in front of her. 

 

She was sitting towards the back of the circular booth, smooshed directly between Steve and Jonathan, with Robin watching in entertainment from Steve’s other side. Steve had pulled her plate, easily over to his side. Like it was some sort of habit, and began picking at the mushrooms which made her sag. She actually liked mushrooms on her pizza. 

 

“Uh, Steve. What are you doing?” Jonathan asks, a bit of a bite in his tone. 

 

“Removing the mushrooms, Nance doesn’t like mushrooms on her pizza, remember.” Steve said it with a cocky grin, excited to have figured out something that Jonathan hadn’t remembered. 

 

Except, of course, he hadn’t actually figured anything out and she still liked mushrooms on her pizza. 

 

Jonathan scoffed as Steve returned his focus to picking the mushrooms delicately from her slice, she huffed quietly. Jonathan just shook his head, a quick glare taking over his features as he stared at Steve. 

 

Then he reached silently into the cardboard to receive another slice of the pizza. He dropped it delicately on his paper plate and slid the whole thing in her direction. She hated the way her traitorous heart raced at the simple action. 

 

“Uhhh, dude what are you doing? I just said Nancy doesn’t like mushrooms. Hence, why I’m picking them off over here.” 

“No, Nancy likes mushrooms on her pizza, what she doesn’t like on her pizza is olives. Which is why when I ordered the pizza I specifically asked for mushrooms on top, and no olives.” 

 

He’s right, Damn him. He was exactly right about what it was she did and did not like. It was such a small detail, but his memory of it mattered to her. Anything like this mattered to her when it constantly felt like they were shouting at each other from opposite peaks of a large canyon lately. 

 

“Since when? I distinctly remember Nancy doesn’t like mushrooms on her pizza.” Steve says annoyed, shoving the plate back across the table towards Jonathan. Jon’s eyes flared angrily, his nose scrunching slightly, “And I remember,” He paused as he slid the plate back towards her “That she does like mushrooms…distinctly.”

 

“Dude she doesn’t like them I’m telling you.” 

“I think I know what pizza toppings my girlfriend likes.” 

“Yeah, well I think it’s pretty embarrassing you clearly don’t know what toppings she likes.”

“Seriosuly, I just told you what she does like? I, I ordered the pizzas based on what Nance likes.” 

“Or, did you order it based on what you like?”

“Are you kidding me right now, seriously Steve?”

“I’m just saying Jonathan, you devoured that first piece pretty quickly. Seems like a favorite topping of yours. Not Nance’s. You know you guys don’t actually need to like all the same things.” 

 

Jonathan is scowling at Steve in full annoyance now and Nance rolls her eyes slumping back in the booth. The entire conversation they had slid her unruined pizza slice back and forth like an air hockey puck. She had kept her eyes trained tightly on it, hoping she might be able to snag it and eat it before either of them even noticed. But now? That clearly wouldn’t be happening. Not when they were treating this damn pizza slice like it was the golden ticket to her heart. 

 

She would’ve been more than happy to clear the whole matter up, you know…if anyone bothered to actually ask her what she wanted. But, instead they were intensely staring each other down as they argued back and forth. Forget it then. She just wouldn’t eat. Robin giggled and her face and Nancy rolled her eyes. She was surrounded by idiots. All of them. 

 

She looks up to see Mike passing her a slice of pizza from his booth, discreetly holding it above the divider. She grabs it greedily and thanks him silently with her eyes. She bites into it quickly, afraid that if she doesn’t, it too will become confiscated for mushroom removal. 

 

“Hey man, what do you know? It’s been like, totally too long Jonathan, dude.” She watches the anger dissipate from Jonathan’s eyes as he realizes Argyle has finally arrived. His face breaks out into a huge grin, a grin she doesn’t really remember seeing on him around anyone in this small town, aside from maybe herself and will. 

 

He rises quickly out of the booth, striding over to Argyle to envelope him in a hug. The eccentric boy still had some of the longest hair she’d ever seen. He was wearing a Hawaiian print tee shirt underneath his large blue snow jacket; a fleece ear warmer of the same color wrapped goofily around his head. It made Nancy crack a smile. She hadn’t quite understood the friendship between Argyle and Jonathan when they’d first arrived back from fleeing California. The two men were just so…different. It made a little more sense to her once Jonathan finally opened up about how they would largely spend their time together high and goofing off. But, still…the Jonathan she’d known had never seemed the type to be that interested in those kinds of recreational activities either. 

 

Regardless, she had come to appreciate what a good friend Argyle actually was to Jonathan. Their bond didn’t have to make sense to her. He had done more for Jonathan than almost anyone else, and even with the distance now, he was still making sure he showed up for him. She was grateful for that. 

 

Not that she was willingly to publicly admit that right now. She was still mad at Jonathan. She had pretenses to keep up. So, she remained seated while watching the interaction. Taking another greedy bite of the pizza slice, appreciating the warmth of their reunion silently. 

 

“Let me tell you man, that drive is so much crazier when you're not running for your life from the feds. It felt like it took us eons to get here. And, we had to keep stopping because Alicia kept having to use the bathroom. She was slowing us down, man.” 

 

Jonathan laughed wildly while Nancy’s brows furrowed in confusion, Alicia…who was Alicia. She suddenly wished she could teleport herself back to that car ride where Jonathan had been talking about Argyle arriving, force herself to actually pay attention to what was being said. She knew two other people had been joining Argyle on his trip. Other coworkers and friends of Jonathan's…She didn’t know one of them was a girl. 

 

As if the universe itself was laughing at her calculated demise, the two separated then revealing the other travelers standing in the doorway. Nancy’s breath froze in her throat, which suddenly seemed far too constricted for breathing. There wasn’t one girl standing there excitedly looking at her boyfriend, there were two. And they were stunning. 

 

She heard whispered gasps around her as the group took in the sight of the girls, trying not to flinch as she analyzed them herself. They were both tall, tanned, and toned. Like they’d been snipped directly from the pages of a catalog and transported to this hell hole. One had long loose brunette hair that laid perfectly along her chest. A wide, innocent smile and bright blue eyes. The other had golden skin and voluminous blonde hair, emerald grin eyes and huge dimples that made her seem angelic on principle. What the hell was this? 

 

Before Nancy could process, they were both eagerly stepping forward to wrap Jonathan in a hug, smiling and laughing about how long it had been since they’d seen him last. Nancy swallowed thickly. She dropped her pizza slice defeatedly on the table top. It wasn’t like she was going to be able to eat it now. She didn’t think she would be able to stomach anything right now…not with the way he was hugging them back.  

 

Steve was staring open mouthed in awe at the women. Nancy rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms in a defensive position on her chest. The boys suddenly broke out into whispers besides them, Nancy tried very hard to tune them on. Focusing instead on the way the blonde's eyes stared a little too long at Jonathan whenever he wasn’t looking. She gripped onto the plastic fork in her hand hard. 

 

Ultimately, she couldn’t actually tune the idiots in the booth besides her out. 

 

“Sweet baby Jesus…” Dustin breathed out in a dream like whisper. 

“Oh, Mike you didn’t say the California people looked like that when you came back.” Lucas laughed from beside Dustin.

“Well, they didn’t all look like that, apparently just Jonathan’s friends.” Mike shrugged uncaringly. Leave it to her little brother to forget some of the most important context for her. 

 

Nancy bristled, of course the beautiful supermodel women from California had been drawn to her moody, artsy, shy boyfriend…of course. 

 

“They look like babes straight out of a magazine, holy shit.” 

“Well, apparently California is the place for freaks like us to be appreciated.” 

“I just can’t believe that they came all the way out here to see Jonathan… I mean, god damn. I didn’t know he had a game like that. I mean…girl’s never talk to Jonathan. They never even notice him…well, except for Nancy." 

 

Nancy was seething in her seat. She was feeling blindsided and jealous enough as it was on her own. She really didn’t need the three stooges providing a play by play of all the reasons she should be worried and angry on top of that. She was certain if she had eleven’s powers, someone’s head would’ve already bursted into red goo. But, fortunately for the public’s safety, she didn’t have Eleven’s powers. Instead she settled for a glare that could have frozen hell itself over. 

 

It started towards the backs of Jonathan and the blonde and then drifted towards the booth besides her. Mike was oblivious, Dustin was grinning like a child who’d been handed a puppy on Christmas, but Lucas? Lucas noticed. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, urging the boys up. 

 

“Are you guys thirsty? I’m thirsty. We should go get drinks. Right now, we should go get drinks.” His voice was slightly too high and Mike looked at him in concern. Dustin looked at him in aggravation. 

 

“Uh, Lucas. There are actual supermodels standing in the same vicinity as us, willingly, for maybe the only time in our lives… and you want me to walk away. Have you hit your head.” 

“Dustin, we need a drink.” 

“No, you need a drink, I already am feeling refreshed by the sight of those tall glasses of water.” 

 

Lucas grabbed him by the back of his collar, dragging him towards the counter of the little shop. 

 

“Hey, Lucas… what are you doing?” 

“Saving your ass.” 

“Saving my ass.” 

“Yeah, one more dumbass comment and you might find that Walk’ em down Wheeler has put a cap in your ass.”

 

Dustin looked back towards her then, gulping in fear at the expression on her face. “Drinks, everyone?” He squeaked before racing for the counter. 

 

Suddenly, Robin is sliding directly beside her, leaning close to her ear and whispering quickly. “Ummm, so Brooke Shields and Kelly Lebrock just walked in and are looking very comfortable with your boyfriend. Seriously, Nancy. They are gorgeous. Like ‘I have to stop in the middle of traffic to watch them exist’, kind of gorgeous. Did you know your boyfriend had two very pretty, very single looking females coming out to visit him?”

 

“No.” She growls. Actually, snarls out in a low response. She would be embarrassed if she wasn’t so close to committing murder at the moment. Robin winces, leaning back to watch the exchange before them tensely. 

 

“Nancy, are you seeing this? I don’t mean to worry you, or anything, but that blonde is definitely into your boyfriend, okay? Like, majorly into your boyfriend. She keeps smiling whenever he isn’t looking like he’s a god damn movie star. This is very not good, Nancy. She’s standing right next to him, I mean right next to him. One quick move and she could practically just-”

 

The fork snaps loudly in Nancy’s fingers, forcing Robin to pause in alarm. Her eyes are wide and fearful. Nancy feels about ready to breath fucking flames. Her eyes are focused straight ahead on where the blonde stands, daring her mentally to try and move closer to Jonathan. To find out exactly what she would do.  

 

But, inside? Her stomach is coiling with something much more alarming than anger. Fear and regret. 

 

Because the truth was, Jonathan had been home for eight months. Eight months where these stupid California girls couldn’t access him at all. Eight months where she could’ve seized every opportunity to make him fall back in love with her.  

 

She knew there was distance, that things had been off. She could’ve talked to him. She could’ve fixed it. Could’ve found small ways to remind him exactly why he had fallen in love with her in the first place. 

 

Instead, she had spent the last eight months being petty and cold and angry. She had intentionally been rubbing his face in the fact that another man so openly wanted her. Used it as a teaching moment where she could prove exactly why he should be the one to grovel and pursue her. She’d kept him at a comfortable arm’s distance because it was easier to punish him for hurting her, than it had been to try to figure out how to get past that hurt. 

 

Now, her opportunity for fixing that pain may have already passed on. Because she watched a woman in front of her, a beautiful woman, looking and smiling at her boyfriend like he was one of the most amazing things she’d ever seen. She looked all too willingly to fill the space Nancy had intentionally left between herself and Jonathan. Like she had already been waiting for the inevitable opening, and Nancy had served it right to her on a silver fucking platter. 

 

Nancy felt something knot in the back of her throat as the nausea tumbled around her stomach like a rickety washing machine. She realized with horrifying clarity that this may actually be it for them. That she may have finally done it. Pushed him so far away from her that this time he wasn’t coming back. 

 

Her heart shatters at the thought that she had finally lost Jonathan Byers for good. Because she was too stubborn to choose him over her hurt. 

 

She feels another stab to her chest as a horrifying realization dawns on her…was this the reason he suddenly wanted to go to school in California? To be closer to her? To be with her? 

 

It hits like an explosion of kerosene inside her lungs. Nancy feels like she might emotionally black out from the mixture of feelings. She wants to cry, but she also wants to projectile vomit all over this stupid red booth, and to scream at the top of her lungs in opposition, and to possibly stab someone with the sharper end of this broken plastic fork. 

 

But, she doesn’t let it show. Instead, staying quiet with her mouth in a firm, tight line as she glares at the girl. Swallowing down her disgust and heartbreak. 

 

Then he’s whirling around, grinning at her and waving them over to the booth. Oh, Joy. 

 

Nancy lets her eyes find the low light of the twinkling Christmas lights in some sort of distraction. Watching the way the flicker softly against the white of the walls.

 

“Guys, these are my friends from California. You already know Argyle, from before. But, this is Alicia” he says pointing at the brunette, “and this is Diana.” He finishes pointing to the blonde. 

 

Diana, like the royal princess. Of course her competition was named after literal royalty. Her eyes twitched as she made a concentrated effort not to roll them. The girls waved their hands in a light greeting, smiling around the table excitedly. 

 

“This is Mike, Dustin, and Lucas. They are Will’s friends. Then this is Robin, Steve, and Nancy.” He gives her a soft smile, eyes flickering with something bright as he points to her, “My girlfriend.” 

 

Her heart swelled at the title. At the look in his eyes. As confused and scared as she felt right now, she couldn’t deny his small act of claiming she brought her some peace.  

 

Diana’s face fell slightly. It was quick. A microsecond of lacked composure that rippled through the gaping of her mouth and scrunching of her nose. Nancy caught it. She felt something possessive twist inside her gut as she locked cold eyes straight on the girl. 

 

In a polar opposite reaction from her friend, Alicia’s whole face brightened when she saw her. “Oh my gosh, you're the famous Nancy wheeler. It’s so nice to finally put a name to all the stories!” 

 

Nancy felt her eyebrow lift in confusion, “Stories?” 

“Oh, yeah.” The brunette nodded enthusiastically. Settling herself besides Robin in the booth. “Jonathan only talked about you all of the time back in California. It’s funny, because even though this is our first time meeting…I feel a little bit like I know you, you know?” 

 

“Oh, Uh…” Nancy startled. To be honest, she was sure what to say to that. There were too many complicated developments occurring that were throwing her emotions from one extreme end of the spectrum to another. But even without the emotional constipation, she thought she might not have been able to form the words at this moment. Her brain was stupidly repeating one thought continuously, like it was sacred. Jonathan talked about you all the time in California. 

 

It rattled her. She had been hurting for months while believing that he was pulling slowly away from her. She knew she hadn’t read everything wrong. Jonathan still had been distant towards the end of his time in California. But, naturally Nancy had assumed he must’ve treated her like a thought on her mental back burner. Something that was there only in private…only when something forced him to remember. A thought that was sectioned to the footnotes of his new life. 

 

In actuality he’d been talking about her constantly. Writing her in as a main character in his narrative. It was so opposite of what she’d built up in her head. Her eyes flickered to him. His ears were tinged red and a light blush coated his cheeks. His head was ducked in embarrassment, but he didn’t try to deny talking about her. He just softly smiled, like he was a little proud of the fact he had. 

 

It warmed something deep within Nancy, something that had felt frozen for quite a long time. She wasn’t able to reveal long in the feeling, hearing Diana’s soft voice speaking up shortly after, “Honestly, I’m a little surprised you’re real. We kinda assumed Jonathan made you up. You know, since you never came out to California at all.”

 

Diana’s laughing, saying the words like they are clearly intended as a joke. But her eyes give her away. There’s a little bit of hurt and judgement as she looks at Nancy. It’s a warning shot.

 

Nancy smiles tightly, ice bursting from her eyes. “I can assure you I am very much real.” It’s short and clipped in tone, and it isn’t missed by those around her. 

 

Steve looks confused, Robin winces slightly, Diana’s eyebrows raise, Argyle and Alicia wear matching wide eyes as they blink quickly between her and Diana. Jonathan’s brows are furrowed and concern shines from his eyes as he looks at her. She keeps her face blank. Holding his stare coolly. She has nothing to apologize for. And she won’t be willing to give out an apology for politeness sake. Not right now. 

 

The tension is broken by Robin roughly sticking her hand towards Diana and Alicia. “Hi! I’m Robin, friends of Jonathan and Nancy. And Steve, too. So, California! I bet this is super different from California. Does it even rain there? Or, is it just permanent sunshine like all the movies make it seem?” 

 

Diana and Alicia both laugh at Robin’s ramblings, launching into conversation about Lenore and the weather. Nancy doesn’t really care to try and listen to it all. Picking at a loose scuff in the denim of her jeans. 

 

The group seems to return entirely back to normal, apart from herself and Jonathan. He hides it well. Still talking and smiling amongst the group. But, his shoulders are hiked tight with tension and his eyes keep darting back towards her when he thinks no one can see. 

 

Nancy is content to stay quietly to herself. She fears that if she were to try and fake her politeness some of the real, raw emotions tumbling around her body may come tumbling fully out. It’s all going fine, until Diana decides to try and speak with her again. 

 

“Well, from everything Jonathan says it sounds like all of you are pretty interesting people. You run the school newspaper, right Nancy?” 

“Yes.” She says casually. 

“Well, I bet that is a pretty big time commitment. Was that why you were never able to make it out to California then?” 

 

Nancy doesn’t like the way her eyes are glancing over her like she’s an unsatisfactory delivery. Nancy smiles viciously, “Oh, yes. That was one of the reasons. I’m very proud of my work. Jonathan knows that. He’s very supportive of it, actually.” She lets a beat pass where she watches Diana’s eyes flick in Jonathon’s direction. “So, do you have any hobbies Diana? Or, does making Pizzas pretty much cover your interests?” 

 

She wears fake innocence in her eyes, but she’s internally gleeful at the red blush covering the other girl's face. Jonathan’s hand has come to cover his face and Robin is sputtering out her water. 

 

“Oh my goodness, I have to pee. Nancy, come on.” She exclaims while hustling Steve out of the booth, allowing them to slide out.

“But-”

“Yep, come on. Bathroom rules. Girls gotta stick together, ya know.” 

 

Nancy rolls her eyes, but lets herself be rushed to the bathroom. Still riding a satisfaction high at the look on Diana’s face when she responded. 

 

As soon as the bathroom door closes behind them, Robin is shaking her head and rambling. “Oh my god, Nancy. What are you doing out there? You practically slashed that girl at the throat. I mean, coming at her for pizzas. Holy crap. You detonated the entire table back there.” 

 

She shouldn’t but she smirks and crosses her arms, leaning lazily against the bathroom wall. Still saying nothing. 

 

“Okay, babe. I need you to get it together out there okay?” 

“I have it together.” 

 

Robin throws her hands up dramatically, rolling her eyes in response. “Nancy, you do not have it together. Alright, you are actually so far from having it together that together looks like a speck sitting upon the horizon. You are looking at her like you want to use her head for target practice for god’s sake.” 

 

Nancy shrugs absentmindedly, “Well, at least it’d be an easy target to spot.” 

 

Robin covers her face with her hand as she sighs tiredly. “Nancy…no.” 

 

Nancy rolls her eyes, “what do you want me to do, Robin? You are the one who pointed out her longing glances in the first place. You see it. The way she’s practically fawning all over him out there. What, I’m supposed to just make nice and pretend I’m unbothered.” 

 

“Generally, that’s what normal people would do, yes!”

 

Nancy huffs in frustration. Robin finds it in herself to laugh slightly. “You know Wheeler, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you jealous before. Let me tell you it is quite a sight. I guess I should’ve guessed your solution to jealousy would also be to somehow knock it in the face.” 

 

Nancy laughs sarcastically at her, “Ha, ha. You’re hilarious.” She sombers quickly, hands nervously pushing through her hair. “I just… I don’t know, I guess I never really had to be jealous before. Jonathan is Jonathan. Girls never really took the time to notice him, you know. And… I liked that. I like that nobody else took the time to see the wonderful, amazing things about him that I saw. It was a secret for only me. Until California, I guess. It’s not that I want Jonathan to be invisible but… god, I’m just not used to this.” 

 

She looks at Robin worriedly, like she’s afraid her words will be misunderstood. That she’ll read it as Nancy insulting or doubting Jonathan somehow. Robin doesn’t. She just gives her this sympathetic look and nods gently. 

 

“I know. It doesn’t help that things have been off between you guys lately, and don’t bother denying it. I’ve noticed it for weeks now, Nancy. But the important thing is, if you really love him, and he loves you then it doesn’t matter who else wants to be in the picture. They won’t compare.” 

 

Nancy blushes shyly, “who says I love him?” She asks with a playful grin.

 

Robin laughs loudly this time, “only love makes you that crazy, sweetheart. I genuinely thought if I didn’t extract you within the next few minutes, you were going to jump the poor girl. Honestly, Nance. Now, promise me when we go back out there you won’t lose your mind. These are Jonathan’s friends after all. You gotta at least try to get alone. You don’t have to be super polite or nice… just civil.”

 

Nancy giggles too, squeezing Robin's hand in thanks. “I’ll be civil.” She agrees, feeling her nerves brace as they face the door. 

 

 “God, stupid California girls, why couldn’t they just find some random beach boy instead.” 

 

Robin laughs, yanking open the door and steering them back into the wild. 

 

Nancy was trying. She was really trying to not absolutely lose her mind as she sat in this tiny booth. Robin’s earlier words had helped prevent her from considering physical altercations as a justifiable response to the situation, but the sting of jealousy still lingered thick beneath her bones. 

 

She had managed to get through their convoluted spiel about their first meeting with Jonathan with only two eyerolls, which was self-restraint on her end. 

 

She didn’t exactly love to hear about how her boyfriend’s music taste and photography skills made him appear so ‘edgy’ and ‘cool’ to onlookers. She knew Jonathan was talented. Many of the music she’d come to love had been shown to her, by Jonathan. She still didn’t think either of those things needed to be practically swooned over. 

 

Still, she held her tongue and her expression, choosing civility. 

 

Will finally arrive about fifteen minutes after Argyle. He walked in with the light dust of snow on his hair. A soft, small smile escaped Nancy as she looked at the younger Byers. She had always cared about Will, felt protective of him as though he were her own little brother too. It wouldn’t have mattered what was going on with Jonathan and herself, even at the worst of times…she would always show up for Will. 

 

A smile grows on his face as he walks in and Nancy falters a little, because Will is smiling at them. 

 

“Hey, Diana! Alicia! It’s so good to see you guys again.” Will leans against the booth next to where Diana sits. Animatedly talking with her about his art and drawings as she trades stories of her own clay creations. 

 

Nancy feels like she had ingested a cup of battery acid. Will wasn’t just being polite towards the girls, he actually liked them. He felt comfortable around them. Will Byers didn’t just feel comfortable around anyone, it took him time to open up to those around him. It reaffirmed that these women had spent a good chunk of time closely interacting with both of the Byers boys. Time, that she was realizing, she knew little about. It hurt more than it should’ve. 

 

Nancy also knew Will's approval of people didn’t come easily. Especially when they were around Jonathan. When she’d finally earned the young boy's stamp of approval after six months of dating Jonathan, Nancy had been so ecstatic she’d practically tackled him in a hug right there. To be loved by Will Byers was an esteemed position to hold. They’d seemed to make his list just fine, knowing him for less than six months she thought bitterly. 

 

Nancy looked away, jealously springing a suspicious mist in her eyes. 

 

Nancy thought she might rip a hole in the red leather, she was gripping it so tight. Alicia and Diana both were rambling on about all the funny stories they shared with Jonathan. What he was like when they would all smoke and the funny jokes he would make to them all in a wood shop. They traded the tales like tiny little inside jokes. Another piece of Jonathan’s time away that she could never really be a part of. She breathes her way through the jealously, ignoring the growing ache in her chest as she does so. 

 

She finally gets him to herself as the group leaves the diner. She hadn’t wasted time hustling into the bitter cold of the snowy night and cutting across the town square towards where she’d known his car was waiting. 

 

She heard the quick crunch of heavy boots in the snow from behind her. Felt his presence appear rather quickly. She didn’t look over at him. Not right away. When she finally did glance in his direction, it was shy and hesitant. There was so much she wanted to say, yet she was afraid to really say any of it. 

 

“Hey.” He whispered, smiling softly. His eyes echoed a deep pain, despite the smile. The same one she figured had been reflected in her own. The pain of distance, uncertainty, misunderstandings. 

 

“Hi.” She let a small smile of her own arise. He seemed to soften at that, ducking his head nervously. 

 

She should say something…anything.

 

“Nancy, I-”

 

“Jonathan!” A preppy voice calls as Diana appears on his other side. Cheeks pink from the cold and jogging to reach them. “You didn’t mention how much harsher the cold feels when its breezy like this. I think my eyebrows are going to freeze off.” 

 

Nancy scowled at the interruption. A minute, she finally had him alone for only a minute before someone had to come and interfere. The dejection settled painfully beneath her ribs, slicing deeper into her confidence with every breath. Confidence in herself, her future, them; it was all being decimated. 

 

She didn’t know how much longer she could fight it. 

 

She finally snapped when the group arrived at the Byer’s home for Christmas cookie decorating. It wasn’t in the aggressive, playing with fire way she had worried about before. Instead, it was quiet. Defeated. Like the air being slowly pulled out of a tiny room. 

 

They had all stepped inside, people shedding their mittens and coats at the feeling of the warm heat blasting from the vents. Laughter rang out as the boys followed will towards the kitchen to begin setting things up. Argyle, Diana, and Alicia had just set their belongings down towards the side of the living room. A sight she already wasn’t particularly comfortable with seeing. 

 

Then, Joyce appeared like a warm ray of rare sunshine. Walking down the hall with a large grin. “Well, my look at all of you. The time hasn’t changed you one bit. Argyle, I'm so glad you made it okay!” She grinned as she pulled the young man in for a hug. “And, girls! It’s so good to see both of you again.” 

 

Nancy’s breath catches as Joyce hugs each of them tightly, smiling in a way that displayed her appreciation of each woman. Nancy feels the tears unmistakably begin to form this time. “How is school going? And the shop? Diana, you were able to start attending the University of Redlands right.” 

 

“Yep, just started this past fall actually. I like it a lot. Plus, it’s close to home which makes the commute easy.” 

 

Nancy stood alone by the door talking in the scene playing out in front of her. Not only had Will been close to, and seemingly approved of Diana…but it appeared Joyce did too. They swap stories about life in the last 8 months fondly, Joyce’s eyes never flickering away from the girl’s once. 

 

She sucks in a shaky breath, leaning a hand on the wall to steady herself. Lenora Hills was only about 15 minutes away from Redlands. She remembered that from the times she studied maps to see where her and Jonathan could visit during her stay. Her stay that never happened. 

 

Her fear replanted itself within her gut. Rooting itself deep within every muscular membrane, Diana was the reason he hadn’t wanted to go to Emerson. Diana was the reason he suddenly decided community college was the right choice out of the blue. She had to be. 

 

Nancy truly had become the placeholder for this blonde stranger he could not have, and it killed her. But, everything happening in the room confirmed it to be true. 

 

Will hadn’t really spoken to her much that day, could it be that he too preferred the California girls over her own company? Now, he was lost deep within the kitchen, unconcerned about the heartbreaking conclusions she had started to draw. Jonathan was darting between the kitchen and the living room, interjecting into his mother’s conversation with the girls, and helping with setting up. Too busy to spare her a second glance. And Joyce, well Joyce was so deeply enthralled in her conversation with the girls, that Nancy would hardly believe the older woman knew she was there at all. 

 

Nancy felt peculiarly invisible. Like a ghost watching the living from a realm they could not see, hear, or touch. She was hit by the oddest sensation of hollowness, sadness, and pain. She felt like at this moment she could entirely disappear…and no one would even notice. 

 

She was forgotten. Left behind. A subconscious thought. It hurt more than any scar or flesh wound could. Her throat bobbed uncontrollably and her lip trembled weakly. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t hold it together anymore. Not right now. 

 

So, she tugged her coat back into position on her arm and turned the handle of the door knob slowly. Slipping back into the cold’s clammy embrace. 

 

The unfortunate truth is…Nancy knows she’s not wrong. She knows that no one is going to notice her absence anyways. Not with all the excitement. Yet, she hovers her hand on the door knob for a few extra moments anyways. Waiting to see if it will be pulled open. Waiting to see if anyone cared enough to follow behind her. 

 

It doesn’t move. The soft twinkle of christmas lights and the sound of joyful laughter echo from inside the home. A direct juxtaposition to her own internal feelings. 

 

Nancy finds her sadness becoming overrun but sudden anger. She didn’t deserve this, dammit. She deserved dignity and respect and to be more than someone’s back-up plan. 

 

Did Jonathan really think her so weak that she wouldn’t have been able to survive the heartbreak of him calling their whole relationship off? And, did he really think her so stupid that she wouldn’t connect the dots once seeing Diana in person? It felt insulting. All of it. 

 

He didn’t have to bring her here and trot her around in front of Nancy. At least, not while pretending there was still something left to save between them. He could’ve just been honest with her…about everything. 

 

The tears roll hot and speedily down her face, a mixture of heartbreak and anger fueling their presence. Then she’s turning and stomping determinedly towards the woods. She doesn’t know where she’s going exactly, she just knows that she can’t stay here for another second. She won’t risk the humiliation of somebody else seeing her like this. Not that they’d care enough to look for her anyway, it seemed. 

 

The trees close in around her like a dark fog. Roots, and branches, and strange sounds building all around her. She knows it’s a stupid thing to do. Walk out into the woods alone like this. She knows better than most the horrifying things these spaces can hold. But, right now she doesn’t care about any of it. Let the demogorgons come. Let them drag her helplessly to her doom, as they’d done with Barb. Let Vecna target her. Snap her limbs like they were made of petroleum jelly and fill her mind with more horrible images. Let them all come. Let them all hurt and maim and destroy her. 

 

She didn’t think any of it could hurt half as bad as the pain of actively losing Jonathan Byers did tonight. She was done fighting. There was no use in it anyways…maybe there never was. 

 

Her legs crumble out from underneath her as she pitches forward, wrist landing awkwardly against the sturdy trunk of a tree. She doesn’t bother fighting her way back up, just leans further into the tree trunk. The coldness from the soil seeping through her jeans into the bones of her knees. A sob rips from her chest as her nails dig into the bark, reaching for something…anything to ground her. Her vision is blurry and her breaths are uneven and quick. She can’t stop it. She lets herself be free. Sobbing unrestrictedly amongst the very place that had taken so much from her many times before. 

 

She thought of that night when she and Jonathan explored these same woods. She thought of the deer. She thought of Barb. She thought of how his steady arms were the only thing to keep her from going hysterical that night. How he’d clung to her like he’d never intended to let go again. She had hoped he wouldn’t ever let go. 

 

Yet, here they were. He’d let go, and she needed to figure out some way to do the same. But, she didn’t want to. 

 

It hurt so bad. Like someone was slashing gaping wounds into her heart and stomping over the remaining parts. Her right hand clung to her chest as she struggled to find her breath. She’d experienced heartbreak before…death and guilt. But, she’d never experienced it like this. She’d never faced the loss of someone she still wanted so badly to be around…someone who was living, yet they just…wouldn’t be anymore. It felt like torture. 

 

As the sobs rack her body, she hears her name whispered fearfully by the wind. Brushing, teasingly against her cheeks. As though reminding her just how alone she truly was. She cries harder, digging her face into her hands. 

 

“NANCY!” 

 

This time it’s louder and her breath freezes, because it isn’t the wind. It’s- 

 

“Jonathon?” She whispers in shock. 

 

“NANCY!” The voice calls again, panicked and winded, as though he’d been running. It’s louder now, and she feels a surge of embarrassment race through her as she realizes the state she’s in. She tries to wipe her eyes and pull herself up, tries to choke back the sobs. But it isn’t working. The floodgates of everything she’s held in for the past eight months have opened, and they refuse to be closed now. 

 

He appears a few trees over. His face is pale and he looks absolutely terrified. His eyes are scanning in a thousand different directions and his hands are shaking. “Nancy!” He screams again. So hard his vocals crack. 

 

As horrible as it was to admit, part of her wanted to stay stuck in the shadow of the woods. To let him pass on in continued fear. It would save her the embarrassment of admitting she’d run off into the woods to cry. It was a very non-Nancy thing to do, and she didn’t relish the idea of him knowing she’d done it. 

 

But, then he turns as she sees the pistol he’s holding in his shaking hand and her shame floods in for another reason. He’s petrified that something's happened to her. That something has taken her. And he’s standing in the cold, snowy wood alone, brandishing a weapon. Determined to save her. 

 

She can’t let him continue on like that. She can’t let him be swallowed up by the terror of wondering whether or not she was even alive. She knew that feeling too well to ever willingly put someone through it. 

 

She takes one last deep breath and steps forward through the trees. Intentionally stepping on twigs as she moves, to alert him of her approach. He turns sharply, defensively. He drops the gun when he sees her figure pop out from behind the trees. 

 

There’s silence for a moment as they look at each other, him scanning every inch of her for injuries or harm. She clears her throat awkwardly as his eyes hover on her face, no doubt noticing the red swelling of her eyes. She tries to wipe at the few tears still stubbornly falling, putting on her best nonchalant expression. 

 

“What?” she questions. It’s supposed to sound angry and sassy, but her voice is scratchy and breaks halfway through the question. So, it doesn’t really land. 

 

It snaps him back to life. He’s locking the safety on the gun and sliding it into his jeans as he races towards her. Face crumpled in relief and pain and reverence. 

 

He pulls her into him hard, holding her in the same way he did all those years before. Like he is never going to let go. It just hurts to have him do so now. 

 

“Nancy, have you lost your mind?” He exclaims as he holds her tighter, like he has to convince himself she’s really there. “You can’t come out here alone like that. God, I- I thought…I couldn’t find you and I thought that…” 

 

He trails off, his voice breaking on the last word, and it’s enough to do her in. She’s sobbing hysterically again. Crumpling further into his chest, fingers tangling in the warm material of his coat. He pulls back, hands cupping her face delicately. Eye scanning her helplessly. Like all he wants to do is find a way to make the pain stop. His hands fit against her cheeks seamlessly, like it was made just to be held by him. He’s so close she can smell him. And it makes her cry even harder. Because this might actually be the last time he ever holds her like this. The last time she can ever be this close to him. 

 

“Nancy,” he whispers desperately, pulling her forehead against his own. “What’s wrong?”

 

The anger flares violently within her chest. What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Everything is wrong. How couldn’t he see that? Why didn’t he understand it?

 

She shoves him away harshly, bringing her hands to cover her face as she steps back. Wiping ferociously at her eyes. Desperatly seeking the composure that was escaping her. 

 

“Nancy?” He asks confused and a little hurt, staring at her uncomprehendingly. 

 

The tears continue streaming forcefully down as she straightens her mouth into a thin line. “I can’t believe you would do this.” She whispers brokenly, shaking her head. Jonathan’s eyes are wide and frantic. Desperately trying to understand what it was he’d done. 

 

“You think you can just, just…bring her here and trot her out in front of me like some sort of prize pony? What, do you think I'm an idiot, Jonathan? That I wouldn’t end up piecing it all together?”

 

The words tumble out of her quickly and sharply. Jonathan looks entirely overwhelmed. “Nancy, what?!” 

 

“That girl.” She sneers, glaring at him and freezing all of her other movements. He freezes as well, but he doesn’t look guilty. Just…startled. 

 

“That girl from California. She’s the reason you suddenly didn’t want to leave California, isn’t she? It was never about your family. You found someone else out there and you’ve just…you’ve been settling for me this whole time. Because you couldn’t have her.” 

 

She watches his face fall further and further into hurt with each word, but she can’t stop herself from speaking them. When she finally stops, there's nothing but silence and the light fall of snow between them. She swallows thickly, waiting for him to say anything. To deny it, to confirm it, to be angry…something. 

 

When he finally does speak, it's the last thing she expects. It’s pain…real and raw. Like broken shards of glass scraping under his tone. “Is that honestly what you think of me, Nancy? That I would just string you along so I don’t have to be alone?” 

 

She flinches back a bit at the sight of him so clearly wounded, it hurts in a way she doesn’t expect. But, the war has already begun. It’s too late to whip out the white flags now, too late to take it all back. So, instead Nancy digs her heels stubbornly into the dirt and clenches her jaw. She hopes she looks more confident than she feels. 

 

“Newsflash, Nance, I’m pretty good at being alone. It’s how I spent the majority of my life.” 

“Yeah, before California.” She snarks

“No, before you.” His hands are tossed up in frustration and he turns his back to her, his tone carries an edge of disbelief and exhaustion. 

 

She flushes scarlett in the darkness of the night. Regret clawing its way up her throat. She had expected this…him turning away. 

 

It didn’t make watching it any easier. 

 

She blinks hurriedly through her tears as she watches him pace. Then, he’s turning sharply. Walking fiercely toward her with his own anger burning behind his dark eyes. “You know what?” He whispers, furiously. Standing so close to her, she can make out the detailed scuffs in his old denim jacket. “I can’t believe this.” 

 

She should apologize. She should take everything back. She should tell him the truth is that she misses him and loves him and is just so damn scared that he’s not going to choose her. That somehow he already chose something else. But, she doesn’t. Instead her voice comes out hot and defensive, her eyes narrowed into threatening slits. 

 

“What?” She taunts. She hates herself for it. She wishes she could drop the whole act and just stop.

 

“You have to deal for five seconds with what you’ve subjected me to constantly since I came back home. And, already, you’re breaking. What do you think it feels like for me? Having to watch you with Steve every. Damn. Day. How do you think it feels to hear all the boys talk about the two of you, like you were some dynamic, monster-slaying team in the upside down? Do you think it’s easy for me? Do you think it was easy for me to swallow the fact that he was here, protecting you…while I was miles away with no idea you were even in trouble?” His tone is still angry, but his eyes hold vulnerability. Emotions, she’d never seen. Like he’s desperately trying to make her understand how hard he’s been holding it together himself. She sucks in a sharp breath. “God, I’ve even stayed silent through hearing all the comments that are whispered by our friends. The little whispers that question constantly why you aren’t just with Steve instead. I shouldered all of it on my own. Every damn day. I never blamed or doubted you. I put my trust in the fact that if you didn’t want this anymore, if you didn’t want me you’d tell me. That despite how off everything has been lately, you still are choosing to stay with me and that had to mean something. So I just carried the weight of it on my own, the way I have for my entire life. And you…you never do anything to stop him. You never tell him no, you never make it clear you're with me…you always leave it open. You couldn’t even speak up today at the diner to say you do like mushrooms on your pizza, because then it would’ve been offending poor Steve. You instead were taking smuggled slices from Mike, which yes…I noticed, by the way. You couldn’t even correct that out of fear that it would be too close to actually defending me. You wanna talk about stupid, Nancy? Well, I'm not stupid. I notice it. All of it. How do you think that makes me feel?”

 

Her heartbeat is thrumming in her ears, and her anger burns warmly in her chest. Yes, she was aware that he had valid points in his rambling. But, he didn’t get to blame her, for a problem he created. He didn’t get to play the martyr for carrying the weight of everything alone when he’d never even attempted to come to her. It was all bullshit. 

 

She steps closer to him fuming, til their noses are barely inches apart. “How you feel? What, you really think I haven’t been feeling the same way this whole time? I know Jonathan, I’ve known for months that there is something you aren’t saying about the college thing. There’s a reason you kept putting off telling me. There’s a reason you lied to me. And, still you refuse to be honest about it now. It doesn’t add up. Not the way you handled it, not your excuse. None of it adds up. And, it’s been driving me crazy. I’ve been going out of my mind the last eight months trying to figure out how to stop feeling like you are only with me because of this stupid quarantine. But, I can’t. I can’t stop feeling that way because you’ve given me every reason not to. I know you were trying to break up with me before you came back. Subtly and slowly, sure. But, still you were trying to break up with me. It was so obvious. And…it hurts. And then you show back up here and I’m supposed to pretend none of that ever happened? I’m supposed to act like I’m not just some consolation prize you are stuck with since you are once again trapped in this cursed town?” She’s crying again, and he’s looking down in shame. She knew it. She knew she was right. All this time. It still feels like something deep within her shatters at the confirmation. “I know Steve’s been flirting with me, and I’ve heard what other people whisper about it. I’m sorry that it’s been hard for you to hear it. But, honestly? I wanted you to hear it. I wanted it to upset you. I wanted it to wake you up and make you remember why you even wanted to be with me in the first place. I felt like I needed to remind you of what you had to lose, in order to make you finally do something. And, how sad is that, Jonathan? How pathetic is that?” 

 

She wipes underneath her runny nose, and looks away in shame. Embarrassed to admit that even through it all she was still trying to win him back on some level. Before she can think too hard she’s rumbling through her coat pockets, hands desperately searching for the small cassette. Her shaking fingers finally close around it and she returns her steely gaze to him. “It doesn’t really matter what people think they did or didn’t see in the upside down. It doesn’t matter who thinks they know best for me. Because do you know what I was carrying around the entire, miserable time down there?”

 

She chucks the cassette at him hard, he catches it instinctively. Eyes softening as he makes sense of the letters written across the front. “Should I Stay or Should I Go, By the Clash.” He murmurs fondly. 

 

She nods sharply once. “That’s the tape I had on me in case Vecna decided to try anything. That’s the tape I had ready to save my life. My favorite song. It was only my favorite because of you. Because with you gone, I would listen to it to remind me of you. Everytime I missed you. And, I was always missing you. So, I just ended up listening to it repeatedly. Even down there, where everyone was convinced we should get back together…I was always carrying a piece of you with me. Steve never had a chance.” 

 

He’s staring at her so intensely that she feels cut open all at once. Like he can see every inner thought and emotion she’s held. He’s holding the tape like it’s a lifeline and she feels a traitorous spark of hope light in her heart. 

 

“You think I'm only with you because of the quarantine?” He asks quietly, voice coated in disbelief. Like it’s the most absurd thing he’s ever heard. She shrugs, embarrassedly at the question. Arms hugging tighter around herself. 

 

“Well, you were certainly pulling away before that, and I don’t believe for even a second that your hesitation about Emerson was only because of your family. If that was really all it was, you would’ve just told me. You know I would’ve understood. I would’ve applied in California to be closer to you.” She admits vulnerably. His eyes flicker shut in pain and his head drops defeatedly. Did he really think she wouldn't have?

 

“And that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.” Her stomach drops sharply and she tastes the familiar acid of rejection thick on her tongue. So, he did know her well enough to know she would’ve come out to him. He just…didn’t want that. 

 

“Because you didn’t want me near you at all?” She chokes out, and it sounds small. Even to her own ears. 

 

“No, Nance.” He says conflictedly, hand rubbing over his face in stress. And now she’s really confused. Because if the problem wasn’t wanting her with him…then what was it? “Because I…I knew you’d sacrifice your dream to come out to California, if I’d told you. I knew you would have given it up to make us work. And I- I couldn’t ask you to do that.” 

“Couldn’t? Or didn’t want to?” 

“Couldn’t! God, okay. I won’t let us be like that okay. I won’t let that happen. I won’t let us turn into them.”

 

His voice was full of so much detestment as he uttered the word, them. It made Nancy freeze. She scanned the delicate curve of his face quickly, suddenly aware there may have been a piece of the puzzle she was indeed missing. 

 

“Them? Jonathan…whose them?” 

“My parents, okay?” He murmured defeatedly. 

 

Oh…Nancy thought, as a thousand uncertain threads connected instantly. Making her stomach equally drop and soar all at once. Oh…

 

“God, Nance…My mom gave up everything to chase after a pipe dream with my dad. And I saw how that ended up. They hated each other so much.” His voice sounded so small, broken and wobbling along every syllable. Tears sprung to her eyes for a new reason. “I couldn’t let that happen to us, okay? I won’t let you trade in your dreams for me. I won’t do it.” 

 

He swallowed thickly and she felt every inch of herself lean further towards him. 

 

“You thought I would hate you?” She questions, disbelief covering her voice this time. 

 

“Maybe not at first…” He shrugs tiredly, “But…yeah. With where I was at, I would’ve ended up disappointing you. I…I wouldn’t be enough, eventually. I…Nancy, I can’t take that happening. I can’t hold you back.” 

 

Nancy realizes in startling horror at the realization that she’d read this entire situation so wrong. It was never about Jonathan not wanting her. He’d still always loved her. Instead, he’d been getting slowly swallowed up by the insecurities of his years of trauma, and he was refusing to drag her down with him. 

 

She felt incredibly guilty. She should’ve known. She should’ve been there to lift him back up forcefully when he couldn’t do it himself. Instead, she’d pricked deeper at his insecurities by encouraging the flirting with Steve and keeping him held back at arm’s length. She felt the aching weight of pain from their distance during the last eight months weighed heavily on her chest. She could’ve fixed this so long ago…”Jonathan,” She whispered. Like his name was a prayer, lifting her hands to his shoulders. 

 

He shakes his head, eyes watering and hurt. “No, Nance. You don’t understand. Okay… I wasn’t- I haven’t been myself for a long time. I was a mess in California, okay? I was getting high all the time. Constantly. And, it wasn’t as fun as the girls made it seem. It was…I was just trying to escape. Escape from missing you, and deadlines about my future, and the fear that I would never really be able to leave my family behind without something horrible happening. I just wanted all the stress and terror and pain to pause for a minute. But, I become irresponsible…and mean. I ignored Will, even when I knew he needed me. I was…I wasn’t a good brother. You…you would’ve hated the person I was out there. I was just… a complete failure.”

 

She kept her grip on his shoulders firm and steady, smiling sadly as the truth revealed itself plainly. She had spent so long fearing he was rejecting her, and the whole time he’d been convinced she was going to do the same. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of being right about that. When she spoke it was soothing and soft and calm, “Or, you are just an eighteen year old boy who for the first time didn’t have to carry the weight of familial, protective, and financial responsibilities.” 

 

“I was a mess.”

“You smoked pot and ignored Will a few times,” She laughed, leaning her forehead against his own. “Welcome to the life of a normal teenager.” 

 

He gets emotional then. Face fully crumpling as all the feelings he’d been penting up pour out. She doesn’t think as she steps forward and wraps her arms protectively around him. His head drops to rest brokenly in the crook of her shoulder. She feels the shaking of his sobs, and her eyes respond instantly. Crying together over the mess of things that had long gone unsaid. 

 

“Jonathan.” Her voice shakes as she says it, “you’re such a good man. You have taken care of your mom and will for years. You protected Will every time your dad lost it, you are the one who made him feel safe in the darkest of times. You are the one who organized his funeral, alone, at sixteen because your mother wasn’t capable of doing so at the time. You took care of your mom, and believed her at a time when it seemed entirely crazy to do so. You are the one who defended both of them countless times. You are not a failure, Jonathan Byers. You never were. You’re a hard worker, who gave long hours to help pay the bills and help provide everything for the people you love. When is it your turn to finally ask what you want?” 

 

She feels the warmth of his sign on her neck, “I can’t.” 

“You can, Jonathan. You can. And, whatever it is…I want it too. We’ll find a way to fit both our dreams together, perfectly. You’ll see.” 

 

She’s holding on tight, refusing to let go. Of him, of them, of everything they’d worked so hard to build over the last few years. 

 

“I’m…I’m just terrified that you’ll wake up one day and decide it was all a mistake. I’m terrified that I’ll keep messing up and being irresponsible. That I’ll turn to something else to numb the pain again…that I’ll end up just like my father.” 

 

She digs her own face into his shoulder at the last line. Tears soaking through the denim. Because how could he ever think that? Lonnie Byers was a horrible, awful, cruel excuse of a man. Jonathan couldn’t even come close to the man’s evil, if he tried. And yet, the thought terrified him enough that he had been willing to choose his entire life around it. It cut her deeply that she’d had no idea he was battling against this the whole time. 

 

“You are not your father.” She whispers determinedly, watching the snow fall softly on his shoulder. “And we are not your parents. You couldn’t be more selfless or caring or kind. And…I still love you, Jonathan Byers. I don’t think I’m ever gonna stop. So, please don’t ask me to try because you’ve got it decided in that thick skull of yours that you somehow don’t deserve me or happiness.”  

 

They both laugh, but it is a little frayed in sound. A little broken and scarred. Just like the two of them. She feels the soft brush of his warm lips against her clavicle, and she shuts her eyes softly at the sensation. Tightening her grip of his loose jacket in response. It’s been so long since they’d been like this…since it felt like this. Nancy almost wants to sob in relief. 

 

“Okay, I won’t ask you to. I promise.” He whispers into her shoulder. Tightening his own grip on her. “I love you Nancy Wheeler. I’ve only ever loved you.” 

 

And, she knows it’s the truth. She knows with every inch of certainty that Diana has as much of a shot as Steve, and it was never about a lack of love, and he was always hers. Just like she was always his. For the first time, since he moved away, she feels close to him. Connected in an intimate way. It sends a thrill through her despite the cold and the tense topic of their conversation. 

 

She pulls back, moving her hands gently to his face. Mirroring the action he had done earlier. His eyes are shining and wide and hopeful. And they are only looking at her. 

 

She can’t tell who exactly moved first, if it was her or him. But suddenly her breath is stolen as his lips are pressed against her own. She returns the fervor of his gesture instantly, deepening the kiss. She’d wanted to be kissed like this by him for so long…she couldn’t hold herself back now that it was finally happening. Her hands were everywhere: his hair, his shoulders, his chest, his back. Constantly tangling and moving as she rediscovered the feeling of his body against her own. He reciprocated beautifully. One hand tightly gripping her waist, the other lightly brushing the sensitive spots of her neck. He walked them backwards, until she could feel the rough bark of a tree bracing against her spine. She arched against it and into him. Wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, trying to bring him even closer. 

 

Neither of them much cared about being in the middle of the dark and snowy woods. They completely forgot about the dangers and monsters places like this could hold. Instead, all consumed by each other and the attraction that had been reactivated inside them.

 

Nancy didn’t want him to stop, as far as she was concerned, they could stay there all night. Christmas cookies be damned. She was just so glad to finally have him back. To have this back. 

 

She pulled him even closer, kissing him for every second they had spent so miserably apart. She would not let any moment go to waste. 

 

They walk back to the warmth of the Byer’s household hand in hand. Smiles adorning each of their faces. The snow is falling a little thicker now, and Nancy is finally becoming aware of just how cold her body is. She can’t bring herself to regret their excursion into the woods, it was well worth the chill. 

 

Her eyes flick to Jonathan beside her as they approach the front steps. He looks an absolute mess. His hair is sticking up messily in multiple different directions, a direct courtesy of her hands roaming through it. His lips are swollen and his shirt is just a bit rumpled. In essence, he looks like he’s been seriously kissed. 

 

She grins stupidly, her free hand coming to shyly cover her mouth as a giggle escapes. She knows she probably doesn’t look much better than him right now. Which can only mean one thing: everyone will know exactly what they were doing the second they walk in. 

 

She can’t really bring herself to care. Let them think whatever they want. Let them talk and tease and mock them mercilessly. Let Diana get a solid idea of exactly where she stands with Jonathan. She would watch it all unfold with glee. Nancy could feel herself glowing in a way she hadn’t for a while. Finally, for the first time since the Byers moved to California, she had Jonathan back. Really back. No more space or distance or confusion…they were gonna be fine. 

 

He grinned back at her knowingly as his hand gripped the door knob. She just shrugged and squeezed his hand softly in reassurance. Then, he’s opening the door. 

 

The warm air fans across her face like a kiss and she sighs in relief. Hustling quickly out of the snowy night. Inside, the chatter is still loud and most of the group seems to be making cookies in the kitchen. Oblivious to their entrance. Most of them…

 

Dustin was walking back from the living room when he caught sight of them in the entry way. He paused in shock, eyelids flicking between them. Nancy held his stare, straight faced. Jonathan shifted awkwardly beside her. She wanted to roll her eyes at how adorable his awkwardness was. 

 

Dustin broke out into a sudden grin, pointing at the two of them and giggling with glee. “So, you two…How was the weather out there? It seems pretty chilly to me. Although, based on your appearances, I would guess you found plenty of ways to stay warm.” 

 

He’s smirking and wiggling his eyebrows like an absolute dork. Nancy missed this, she decided. All of it. 

 

Instead, she just smirks back, while handing Jonathan her mittens and coat. “Shut up, Henderson.” She rolls her eyes as she breezes past him and into the kitchen. 

 

She can hear Dustin’s voice carrying as she walks, “Well, that’s one way to handle conflict resolution, Jonathan.” He’s teasing again. 

 

She hears the faint thunk of Jonathan’s hand against the back of Dustin’s head, and hears the melodramatic gasp of the younger boy. “Hey… that’s not fair. I was just kidding. You know you used to be fun, Jonathan.” 

 

She turns around grinning to see her boyfriend following behind her, Dustin hot on his heels. Jonathan’s rolling his eyes, but he can’t keep his own grin off his face. 

 

She chose a corner of a section of the table, grabbing a snowman cookie and the white icing bag. She was unsurprised to feel Jonathan’s head laying softly on her shoulder. She grinned shyly as she leaned back into his chest. 

 

“A snowman, huh?” He whispered, happily. 

“Yeah, I figured it would be the most fun to decorate.” 

“I say we give it a sprinkle scarf.” 

“Oh, and are you gonna be in charge of creating this sprinkle scarf?”

“Well, I could be.” He teases, as he reaches out for the small jar of red, shiny, sprinkles. 

 

She grins as his arms work around her own to untwist the cap and pour a few into the palm of his hand. “Careful,” She teases. “Or, our snowman is gonna be covered in red.” 

 

“It’s not gonna be covered in red.” 

“One wrong move…” 

“I’m not gonna mess this up.” 

“Even the slightest overcalculation.” 

“Do you mind, I’m concentrating here?” 

 

She just grinned, settling in the warmth of his embrace. Content to watch him delicately craft a scarf on the frosting of her snowman cookie. In the end, the scarf is uneven and jagged and looks a little more like a flesh wound than a scarf. She loves it all the same. 

 

She lingered in the living room long after the others had made their way home. Everytime she almost worked up the courage to leave, she was met with another image of Diana and Alicia staying overnight in this house. She knew she had nothing to worry about…not really, anyway. And, she knew if Diana tried anything Jonathan would be the first to lay a harsh boundary. Still, she was dreading the inevitable moment she would have to leave him alone. 

 

The California trio had to stay at the Byer’s residence, in accordance with the visitor regulations. It wasn’t like there was anywhere else for them to go. Nancy sighed, moving to grab her coat as the girls lugged their bags down the Hallway to Jonathan’s bedroom. Ever the gentleman, he’d apparently given his bed up. 

 

Jonathan was leaning back against the couch, smiling at her as she gathered her things. “You know, Nance, you could stay too. If you want?” 

 

His tone is gentle and soft, an unspoken validation that he is putting her feelings first in all of this. No matter how unrealistic they may be. She smiles warmly at him, hanging her coat back on the hook. 

 

“So, you figure out I’m jealous and your solution is to toss me in a bed with the girl? Seems like an accident waiting to happen Mr. Byers.”

 

She can never resist an opportunity to tease him, but they both know she has no intention of leaving. Not now. Not as she’s already crossing the room back to him. She leans her hands on either side of him, blushing as he shakes his head with a small chuckle. He shrugs casually, unaffected by her prior jest, “I figured you could bunk with me. The couch is pretty small, but it’s comfortable. Plus, all the decorations and tree in here kinda make it feel cozier. It could be nice.” 

 

Her head falls naturally into his own, eyes meeting in mirth. “Well, I think that sounds lovely.” She whispers, finding his lips in a small peck. 

 

They are working together to sort through blanket options when Diana reappears in the living room. She’s changed into a cozy set of pajamas, her long blonde hair still flowing freely down her back. 

 

“Jonathan, I was wondering…Oh!” She pauses, looking slightly startled at the sight of Nancy. As much as she hates to admit it, she’s glad she’s still here right now. She trusts Jonathan more than anyone. But, her instincts had been right in guessing that Diana would attempt something. Jonathan’s invitation to stay, directly blocked that from occurring. It signaled a claim that Nancy’s words would never have made clear enough to her on their own. “-Nancy, I didn’t realize you were staying too.” 

 

Nancy smiled softly, “I hadn’t really planned to, but Jonathan asked and well I'm never one to say no to a little more time together.” 

 

It’s the perfect statement. Not vicious enough to intentionally wound the girl, but clear enough to signal that her boyfriend is definitely unavailable. Jonathan’s hand softly loops around her waist in response. When she looks at him, he’s smiling softly down at her, like he is in awe of her. After all this time…

 

“Oh, that’s sweet.” Diana responds. She smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Her face masking the sadness that lurks beneath. Nancy suddenly feels sorry for the girl. She couldn’t exactly blame her for falling for Jonathan, after all she understood the feeling all too well. And she did seem to be genuinely trying to force a smile and chipper attitude about everything. Even though Nancy hadn’t exactly given her a reason to earlier. 

 

“What’s up, Diana?” Jonathan asks, bringing Nancy out of her thoughts. 

“Hmm?” 

“You said you were wondering something, what was it?”

“Oh, umm… I was just wondering if you had any water I could take to bed. I think the cold is dehydrating me more, funnily enough.” 

 

Her laugh was slightly awkward, her eyes flickering away from the two of them. Jonathan moved quickly with audible assurance of water’s availability. She followed him hesitantly into the kitchen, looking back at Nancy in slight terror. She couldn’t blame the girl, she had been seriously considering using her for target practice only a few short hours ago. 

 

When they came back, trading goodnights, Nancy decided to swallow her pride. After all, she was clearly important to Jonathan in some way. That meant something to Nancy. 

 

“Diana.” She said softly, the girl froze at the beginning of the hall. “I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier. At the pizza shop. I was a little stressed out, but regardless…I shouldn’t have let that affect my mood towards you guys. I’m glad you're all here. I hope tomorrow we can start fresh. Have a shot at actually getting to know one another.”

 

Diana’s smile was soft, but weary. Like she didn’t fully know what to make of Nancy’s apology. “I’m excited to get to know you too, Nancy. Goodnight, guys.”

 

When the door of Jonathan’s bedroom closes, the aforementioned boy is immediately turning on her with a cheshire grin. Nancy rolls her eyes, “Don’t-”

 

“That was very, extremely nice of you, Nancy.” She grumbles ferociously, trying to dodge past his wide arms. She’s unsuccessful. 

“I can be nice, occasionally. And, I wasn’t even that nice, okay. I was just-” 

“You were nice.” 

“Whatever.” 

 

She fights her smile at the sound of his laughter, unable to contain it long. It doesn't feel like a fight lost for her. 

 

They lay together, squished on the small couch in the Byer’s living room. The small tree twinkling with rainbow colored lights and tinsel. A live airing of “A Christmas Story” hums softly in the background. 

 

His fingers are twirling her curls absentmindedly as she lays tucked into his side. She rolls her eyes at the movie, “You know…This movie makes no sense to me. None. I just don’t understand that.” 

 

“You know you’ve said that since it first came out.” 

 

She rolls her eyes at his chuckle, grumbling as she adjusts to burrow further into his side. She feels her eyes start to feel heavy. They don’t quite fit, contorting together in an awkward bundle of limbs that promises to leave stiffness in their muscles in the morning. She thinks this honestly might be the most uncomfortable, cramped, and inconvenient position she’s ever slept in. And she loves it. Because it’s with him. She falls to sleep happier than she’s maybe ever been. 

 

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Notes:

Thank you so much for reading this work. Now more than ever, we truly need Jancy pieces, and they’ve been so hard to come by lately. I hope my piece did the couple justice.

I would love to hear your feedback in the comment section below about how you liked this piece, the characterization, and where I can improve in future for other Jancy related work.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight ❤️