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He'd started hearing this scratching noise somewhere in the class, faint enough to miss it if it wasn't for you to notice. But Sae had noticed it soon enough, couldn't help it when it made his skin feel too tight over his bones. He didn't like the noise at all. Fidgeted when he heard it, tried waiting it out but it had persisted. He exhaled eventually giving in and glancing pointedly in the direction of the sound.
He turned to see him, a boy he hadn't really noticed before. Black eyeliner painted thick and long around these inhuman pink eyes. Bleached blond hair with fading pink tips. When they made eye contact, the boy had flicked his tongue out and licked deliberately over his teeth, all slow, those eyes focused on him and hazy.
Sae froze in his seat, something like discomfort drowning him where he was sat stuck. His lips rolled into his mouth, he managed to bite down on them on one corner to distract himself from the sensation, and he eyed around the room carefully checking to see if anyone else was witnessing this too.
When he realised they weren't, and perhaps the boy was doing this just for him, he simply watched bearing premise, not yet saying anything. Not knowing what he could say. Though he grew helpless to his conjecture, drawing inklings from air, distracted vaguely by the continued languid teasing from a boy much younger than himself.
Was this normal?
He found himself asking. He wasn't so sure. Doubtful as he pretended he wasn't. But despite that, he suspected this must be false. Whether it was the unnerving hue of the kids eyes, or the lustful gaze that had him frozen stuck in his seat, pinned like a dead bug only to be dissected by his leering. Something about the act had unsettled something inside him, a faint alarm buzzing under his skin causing it to prickle and raise. Though he couldn't exactly pinpoint what it was about the boys eyes that had made him so uncomfortable, couldn't quite tell what lust quite meant. What it looked like, even as it was presented to him.
It was at times like this is when he feels more odd than he normally does. Inside a glass box separated from everyone for reasons unbeknownst to him. From being home schooled and sheltered to a public school where he's most definitely a little too old for this grade, clearly hasn't done him many favours for his social skills. His ignorance betraying him as he flounders under the persisting eyes of another. He shifts again in his seat, in his peripheral he notes the boy doing the same, squirming, twitching, his thighs spreading a little wider, an invitation he overlooks, something personal just for him under his heavily graffitied desk, shielded from the rest of the class.
The class of which is full of mostly 19 year olds, where under normal circumstances this wouldn't have been much of an issue. If he hadn't been the oldest in the room, in fact even more unfortunately older than the woman stood at the front teaching said class. It would be embarrassing for any other 29 year old, but for Sae, well it was just even worse.
The school was more like a college, anyone could apply, there was no age limit, in fact he'd seen a couple that easily were twice his age in the hallway last week. That should make him feel better, but it didn't.
The school was for people who needed extra support, some classes were rowdy with people who hadn't spent much time in education at all, a couple other students those who had spent most of their time in jail centres or in juvies. But there were others who wanted classes on more general life skills too, cooking, taxes, bills. He himself applied since he had failed pretty horribly at being home schooled. He had books pilled around him, bought for him, his parents having spent money on the resources but not on the teaching and Sae unfortunately didn't know exactly how to teach himself being so young. Nor was he interested, so he had spent practically all of his up brining outside playing football, to which he was more than proficient at.
But it got to a point where he couldn't understand basic topics, general knowledge, social interactions. Put him with other people, and the disparities became clear, he was behind. He felt much like a new born. A new born who could play football and do not much else.
So as he sat there face scrunched in confusion watching the boy, more than a decade younger than him, bring a tanned hand to the front of his pants and begin palming himself under the desk staring right at Sae. He didn't know what to make of it.
He wasn't sure why Shidou had applied for this college, wondered briefly if it was for the same reasons as him. But that couldn't be right. Right? His hands were starting to feel awfully clammy at the way he's feeling like anything rather than human. Wonders if the boy feels like that too sometimes, a little less than human. Younger perhaps, even when he shouldn't be, he's the older one. Should be the most knowing out of everyone in this class. Ignores how he feels the youngest. Younger than the boy too.
Wonders if this was normal for the boy himself perhaps. Maybe he had a lot to learn like Sae, could they be similar in this regard? In any case, he should start being more considering of the boy. He'll learn too, whatever it is he's missing here, he can adapt. Hopefully close the gap between him and the other humans around him, if he gets closer, acts more similar. They shouldn't notice how he fumbles, fails, falls short.
So as it continues, he stifles his unease, and as his other classmates leave for the next class, and the boy and himself are all who remain. He lets himself crawl to him when he beckons him over with a finger, curling it, calling.
Chose to keep an open mind, that was good wasn't it? He can recall something like that, don't judge what you don't know? He chastises himself for this all. For the way the only thing he can really recall being playing outside, games, toys. Never much learning, not about the real world. But that's why he's here.
That's why he stands in front of the boy. Hands in fists by his sides, nervous. Uncertain. Looks into those pink eyes that eye him with something knowing, knowing and wanting something he can't recognise. It was just them. And it remained just them too, when he had brought Sae's hand to his body. The feel of his hand rough on his skin, it scared him in a way, in a way it shouldn't. He shouldn't be scared. So he wasn't.
Let him touch his skin, thumb rubbing over his flesh, burning and chilling both at the same time. Though it was the burning that clung to him, the scent of something foul. Like burnt paper? He wasn't sure, never was. But he hated it. The smell clung to the boy, and he wouldn't notice how it started clinging to him too the more he let himself be around him. Teal and pink blinked at each other wordless, as he had let go of his hand now, but sat there in front of Sae, with his pants open. Free from his hold, Sae had stayed. Looked, felt his heart rate increase, panic, but he didn't run, let the boy show him. He accepted him, this, whatever it was, just for him like a gift. Something secret it felt. He had written it for him. Pencil scratching on paper much like his blunt nails did on the desk when he wanted Sae's attention. Written in curly writing he couldn't read well, couldn't read anything well.
"Don't tell anyone"
And because he had asked, he did as he wanted. He could do that. Even if he failed to understand much of anything, he could follow something so simple. When it was broken down like that for him to understand.
Wasn't sure what he was looking at whenever Shidou showed him though. He felt like he was learning still. Learnt his name too. Shidou Ryusei.
Learnt Shidou was different in that way to Sae. A little creepy he thought.
Sae wondered when it became normal. This thing that had started as unnerving, now more like a reward. Just for him, something special. Shidou made him feel special. With how he only ever looked at him. Only ever showed him these things. Never said much, only wrote things down. Associated that burning smell that he still couldn't shake the nausea it caused him, with Shidou too.
Gradually, it became expected. The scratching noises against the desk, blunt nails against old wood. Him spreading his thighs during classes whenever Sae would eventually turn to him. In silence their eyes would meet and Shidou would expose himself for him under his desk. No one else in their class noticing.
He'd see the boy outside of that class too, now stood, where Sae realises how greatly he dwarfs him. He'd make hand gestures at him which he didn't understand, it got to a point where he began wondering if it was sign language. Though that was another thing he had very little knowledge of, along with what this all meant. Maybe it was something they'd come to teach him in class. Or maybe it was something just for him and Shidou, and the boy would separate him to teach him what that meant too.
He had chewed the inside of his cheek, his focus on the way the boy would hold his fists in front of his mouth and twist, eyes always on him, even as he hollowed his cheeks continuing the gesture, trying to figure out what he could possibly be signing.
Sae hadn't told anyone still. Like Shidou had written for him. Not thinking that he really needed to, what would he even say? They were becoming friends, or something akin to that Sae had thought. There wasn't anything bad about that. Though despite how they continued whatever this was, as friends as Sae had believed they were becoming, Shidou had never said anything to him yet. And he didn't believe he had heard the boy speak at all either. So that's how he ended up coming to the conclusion that perhaps the boy must have been deaf. With the staring, the hand gestures, the odd scratching. It all made sense. In the naïve way Sae could only manage to draw conclusions. Still.
He felt somewhat proud of himself.
He had researched a little on sign language to try and communicate with Shidou who was obviously deaf and trying to talk to him. He wasn't too confident on what little he had learnt but he could wave and sign asking if he was okay. That seemed proficient enough.
Yeah.
So naturally, when the scratching had started again from across the room, he had turned around to meet him, this time prepared. He had a practised, apprehensive smile on his face which he wanted to work more on, but he waved and began signing, his hands in a thumbs up as he rubbed his knuckles together, eyebrows scrunched lips rolled again in careful focus.
He glanced up hesitant, to gauge how well he was being understood by the deaf boy. Only to feel his face fall.
Shidou sat facing him on his chair, eyes locked on him again, having watched Sae's gestures with cruel amusement, he responded with a blonde eyebrow ticked up high, and a grin. Tongue out and he brought his fingers in a ring to his lips and licked around the circle.
Right. He hadn't researched any other signs. How is he going to know what this response means?
He felt his cheeks burn a little in embarrassment. He didn't even know how to sign sorry. Again he felt it, he felt younger than the boy across from him, younger than everyone around him even when that wasn't true, felt like everyone around him must know something he doesn't. But that's a silly thought. There was a decade between him and Shidou, even if it felt like more. Decades more.
He ends up exhaling weakly watching him again, though Shidou's grinning, just amused at getting a reaction out of him, so he supposes he must be in a positive mood at least. Contrary to his own state. All his previous struggling and learning had proven fruitless however, regardless of the mood of the blond boy. Sae sits more slumped now, elbow perched on his desk with his cheek against his hand as he just watches the younger boy. No one ever really notices him, what with how quiet he is, the thought makes him frown a little. For someone with a disability he didn't get much help here. So he just continues looking, never really paying much attention to these classes himself which was an awful habit he had developed over the years of neglecting any kind of academics. Left to his own devices he always chose something more fun. With no one to guide him he always found himself in situations that left him worse off.
Eventually and regretfully he comes to another conclusion.
So maybe Shidou wasn't deaf.
Sae realises without much shame left apparently. He made that shocking discovery when Shidou just started speaking to him. "Are you deaf or some shit?". Shidou had spoken. Voice deep and rough, like something was trying to claw from his throat though it was covered by his light teasing, which only grew more delighted as he saw Sae sputter.
They blinked at each other, one in confusion and the other in bemusement.
"Me? I thought you were deaf!" He hisses back, cheeks flamed again, hand now gripping his desk for support. He couldn't believe this. Is he really this stupid?
Shidou just shrugs.
"You're name is Sae right? You're so young aren't you?"
He sputters again confused, young, that wasn't right. But Shidou just cackles.
So the accuracy of his misplaced faith was fallacious. But that had only left him even more disordered, the truth puzzling him greater than his childish assumption of Shidou being deaf. Because if he wasn't, then what were all these gestures? Things he hadn't understood and connected them to something he knew a little about. Sign language. Why else would he be gesturing at him, and only at him too. Sae had thought that Shidou was trusting of him, that's why he chose him to sign to, to show him things he didn't show anyone else.
Sae still, under everything he was burying, thought the other boy as somewhat creepy. He began hovering around him even outside of class now. Still scratching against things to get his attention, that in itself like a sign that only they understood. Sae didn't know what to make of that. Knowing now that Shidou could speak, wondered why he chose to do that rather than simply call out to him. Made him feel like what was between them really was private. He made sure not to tell. Didn't react so much anymore when Shidou would drape himself across his back. Start whispering things in his ear only for him to hear. Things that made him want to react. Want to shrivel up. Sometimes cry. Wasn't sure why he felt that way about it all either. Couldn't really understand why he thought Shidou was creepy. Not knowing enough words to be able to explain it. In the same breath, he wasn't sure why Shidou told him not to tell anyone, didn't he know Sae had no clue what was going on? Didn't know the words for what was happening, or the words for what Shidou kept showing him. He thought to himself once that maybe they would teach him about the things he and Shidou were doing in class. But they never did. Shidou was teaching him in a way though.
Surprisingly, they didn't spend much time together outside of their private moments. Shidou tended to leave Sae alone when they were around other people. Shidou had friends, Sae noticed. People he would become unrecognisable to him with. Sae hadn't minded. In a way he wouldn't think about, he was glad to be away from the older man. He noticed, he only really lingered around him when he wanted to show him things. There was one thing that never changed though, and that was the potent scent of burning that trailed the boy.
He could barely eat. Shidou was in the cafeteria, he could tell. That scent was heavy around him, oppressive. Made something in his chest wilt and writhe. He couldn't see the boy though, didn't want to turn and look for him either. Worried that maybe if he saw him he'd drag him away again. That or he'd make those gestures he was assuming he'd never grow to understand.
He just sat there, ass cold on the metal benches. Sat further away from the younger people. Kept to himself. Maybe he was the cause for him feeling like he was in that glass box. Swallowed thickly around dry bread, just a small bite, but with his thoughts full, confused, in a tight ball like a tanned fist, he had no inkling of how to untangle, how to understand. And the building of something inside him, from all the things he was ignoring. And that smell. He was on edge. Wasn't sure when he had started to be, but knew he always was. Waiting for Shidou. However it was he'd come to approach him. Sae couldn't stomach his food. Had he ever really been able to though? He wasn't sure of that either, when it had started.
Felt like maybe he was moulding. Something stale, weakened, gross. Starting from the inside out, a place where people didn't notice how deep it had taken root. Until spots would appear, ugly unwanted spots people would pluck out until they thought it was all better. Sae wanted someone to do that to him. Pluck the imperfections out. Even if he was beginning to believe himself rotten on the inside. Stale. That scent was one that would rival the burning. Dry and expired, used beyond it's date that if you’d eat it you'd fall ill. Though it was himself who felt sickest of them all. Wondered helplessly why Shidou wanted his sickness too. Wanted whatever it was that was moulding and wilting inside him. Why he'd reach for it with his fingers. Prodding and poking, searching. Sae had stopped thinking about it all. Couldn't really think with how overwhelmed he was.
He was disoriented when he moved. Not remembering when he had left the cafeteria, but he was elsewhere now. Stomach void of food but filled with unease.
Stale. Stale. Stale.
This was different. The scent, the feeling not having come from within him, these were natural spores. Different in their entirety to whatever unnatural sickness was breeding inside of him. He thinks Shidou had made him sick. Whatever had dried out in his chest, flammable and vulnerable to the embers that ever burned off the other, so close that they began to catch him too. Make him burn. Burn all the mould from inside him.
The staleness was from the gym locker rooms. Where everyone was crowded, loud, changing, energy levels high for whatever sport they were to play. Sport. The one thing he knew about. It should've made him happy, at ease with it's familiarity which was so sparse to him these days. But it didn't. All he felt was unease.
The room was stuffy, the old wooden benches soaked and stained with long term exposure to sweat and abuse from mostly teenage boys. The air stale in the room, heavy, he took small breaths not wanting to breathe too much of it in. Wouldn't want it adding to what was dying inside him.
It was more of the rowdy teens that joined him in the locker room. He hadn't shared classes with many of the same faces, aside from one. Shidou Ryusei. His only real friend. Though maybe Sae was a bad friend, with how badly he wished he wasn't anywhere near him. Shidou, who was painfully obviously not deaf at all, with how he was howling and cackling whipping his classmates with his towel. Put him with the right people and he explodes apparently. Sae doesn't blame him entirely, sitting in a boring finance class stuck in one spot listening to a teacher drone on about things he couldn't comprehend even if you translated it to football, was not his idea of fun either. But still. The sight, and sound, of the younger male, looming around, picking on those around him who he thought stood too bent over, their forms weak so he cackled whipping his towel on their asses, watching them yelp and curse at him straightening up, the sight was completely different to him in the class he shared with him. Sae wondered about that too.
Amongst the aged staleness in the room, there was that burning he could always smell too, he breathed in a little more generously, didn't think about how familiar the scent was now. It lingered around him so much, he wasn't surprised. He swallowed bile that had bubbled in his throat, the action unconscious. His eyes fixed away, away from everyone, away from Shidou. Terrified to meet those unkind eyes.
The locker room, he hated. Where people gathered to change clothes, where he had to change his clothes. See his body. He had begun hating his naked body. Hated even more being around other people whilst undressed. Hated the sound of clothes being taken off. Hated the colour pink too.
He hated it all, even though he found similarities between them and himself. The age of the room, covered in a thick dust, black mould crawling against damp walls, neglected, forgotten. The spots should be warning enough of the damage but not everyone notices signs even when they're obvious. Sae didn't really know much about mould. Or age. But he felt old. With how the scent clung to him, with how his skin felt dry from how hard he found himself scrubbing it whenever he'd force himself to strip and shower. Showering with his clothes on at times. Dry and crumbling, like the withered bricks of the room, Sae felt akin to those too. He felt so old. Similar to an old toy. Not like a human. If he was human he wasn't sure how old he would be. Different to those around him though. Different to Shidou.
It had taken a while, but eventually everyone had changed, Sae had grit his teeth forcing a buzzing in his head to block out the sound of trousers being pulled down. The boys filtered out of the room, Sae having waited until they had mostly left to change since he'd rather not be naked around people so much younger than himself. He hated changing, hated it more around others, being naked, being vulnerable. He had stripped and was turning a t shirt from inside out when he was startled.
"God..."
He felt almost immediate tears in his eyes. The reaction instantaneous.
Apparently he should've waited longer. Heat burned in his ears, red hot like fire. Blood rushing. He felt dizzy. Shidou of all people was who remained. He knew that though. Even with how he rarely spoke, he didn't need to hear it often to remember the sound of his voice.
Staring right back at Sae. That bright pink that had latched onto him, the colour he was oddly accustomed to. Thankfully the boy was still fully dressed, even if Sae himself wasn't. He grimaces at the thought of how he had once believed the boy to be deaf, even if he could be so quiet sometimes, he feels stupid for being so sure of something so childish. He was childish at times. Even making gestures back at Shidou when he would make them to him first, thinking they were talking in sign, when they obviously weren't.
Still he didn't understand what that meant. Though he was beginning to believe it would be better if he didn't know.
Shidou was loitering. Still quiet, oddly so in comparison to how Sae had just heard him with who he's assuming to have been his friends. The thick scent of burning remains even in the chill of the room, the contradiction not lost on Sae. He shivers in the cold of the room, overly aware of his lack of clothes which he scrambles to fix, releasing eye contact with the younger boy so he can clothe himself.
As he does so, however, there's that scratching again. Dread chokes him. He freezes, only with a shirt and underwear on. With Shidou watching him, hand on that old wooden bench, bent down slightly so he can scratch at it. Nails jagged, and sounding horrible against the material. Sae turns to eye him. Waiting for him to say something, whatever he's thinking, or more likely what he wants. Naively he wishes maybe an explanation to start, something to ease Sae's mind. Make him feel less stupid and a little more like everyone else.
But it never quite comes. Illuminated pink eyes stay fixed on him, like he can't see anything else, there's a wry smile on thin lips too. Something in Sae's gut churns as he looks at him unsure. He's wondering again. Why Shidou does these things, why it's like a cruel gift for Sae. He feels ungrateful. Someone sharing something just with him and he's rejecting it. He stays receptive. It's the right thing to do, he reasons. He doesn't know much between right and wrong. This feels wrong, horribly so, but he thinks if it's what'll make Shidou happy, it must be the right thing to do. Yeah.
Shidou shifts. Breaking whatever process Sae was going through mentally and instead bracing. Hears the words somewhere outside of himself, sees Shidou's lips curl around them, tongue flick out before he speaks. Doesn't really hear it when he says he wants to show him something as he crowds closer. Doesn't really look at it when Shidou pulls his pants down, shows him how hard he is. Guides Sae's hands on him. Asks if he wants to put it in his mouth, gives him the choice. Sae declines and nothing happens. He's grateful really. Grateful for Shidou and his kindness. That's what he focuses on after Shidou's left, and he's curled on the floor crying. He's a bad person. Sae is a really bad person.
Shidou's left the room like nothing happened, Sae should do the same. But he's weaker than Shidou, more vulnerable. He cries instead. Not sure why. But he knows he's stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Eventually he does leave too. He acts like nothing happened.
A lot of that happened. A lot of nothing. A lot of Shidou. Of him. Of burning. Pink. Lingering. In halls, in classrooms, in locker rooms, the closet, even in his bedroom, on his bed when Shidou had asked to see his house, Sae being a good friend let him. Always let him.
Sae had starting ignoring all of it, not sure what to make of anything still. These classes weren't teaching him much of anything were they? He was still feeling as unsure as he did when he enrolled. Though in a way, Shidou had been guiding him. Not exactly a teacher, but. He was learning things. In a way.
He was also learning he didn't really like Shidou all that much.
People had started calling him mean. Prickly. Harsh. With how he'd hiss sometimes. Words crueller than he meant them. Unsure of how to interact still. But knowing only the vapidness that had grown with the mould in his body. He didn't want any more friends. He had Shidou already. Shidou was his friend. And Sae wished he didn't have any. But he agreed. Vapid but agreeable. He agreed he was mean. The meanest, how wouldn't he be when he hated his only friend? How he hated the secrets he shared with him. He felt like a disease. A plague. He wished whatever was mutating inside him continued. He deserved it. Deserved to feel like he was slowly dying.
Didn't know if he deserved whatever Shidou was sharing with him. But the thought of him giving this gift, this secret to someone else. Sae felt sick with it. It was his. He hated it. But it was meant only for him wasn't it? He didn't want it at all, but he didn't want anyone else to have it. How stupid. How special he felt, and how ungrateful he was for it. How greedy he was to keep it all to himself.
He’d forgotten how the sports class had went. Head to full and empty all at once, couldn’t quite make eye contact with anyone around him. Couldn’t hear what people were saying. All he could smell was a mix of mould, salt and faint burning. He was somewhere else now, his memory was really failing him wasn’t it? How could he forget where he had just been not even ten minutes ago. Though all his days had felt like that. All he could ever really recall from them being him.
Shidou.
Sae felt his skin crawl, he could smell him before he felt him, but he reacted too slow. The waft of warning, the scent of burning, or was it gunpowder? He wasn't too sure exactly but it was Shidou nonetheless. Cramped up behind him, his hand fidgeting with his belt loop on his side and he grimaced at the contact and the scent. "Get off" he hissed, trying to swat the hand away only for it to tighten. "Sae.." he murmured almost in a pained groan, his breath hot where it heated against his skin, a shiver running from somewhere uncomfortably deep in the back of his neck to the end of his spine. Shidou had a way of loitering, hovering around him, too close for Sae to always feel like something was wrong, but also far enough for Sae to not realise it was him the cause for this permanent unsettled state.
He was always so quiet too. In a way it made Sae feel bad. The way he'd quietly attach himself to him, follow in his shadow, call out to him in that voice, scratch against things just for Sae to hear.
His judgment on the situation clouding so much and so gradually that he got used to the fog in his brain, the warning and initial alarm of the boy hidden behind all the white noise. The little scratches, reminded him of a little kitten, not chilling him as much as they first did. The unease, settling for something easier. Easier when he accepted it. Reframed it. Perhaps he just didn't understand Shidou enough, was looking at him too critically or from the wrong angle. So judgemental. So unforgiving. He hated him. Hated them both. But hated himself a little more for hating Shidou at all.
But still, sometimes he couldn't help but shiver. Like now. His nails were trying to scratch against the leather of his belt. No noise present but he could feel it this time, feel the scratching through the materials, closer, like this. The action now on him rather than around. Felt like he was scratching directly against his skin, his body heating under the material, felt it heat where he hated it the most. His teeth clenched but he quickly eased them not to. It's just Shidou.
Shidou who was silent behind him, blunt nails raggedly scratching in hiccupping scrapes on his belt, just something small. Something only he could feel. Feel through his jeans and onto his bones, where it spread and magnified into clawing. Clawing as the boy guided his walking now. And Sae let him. They wandered down the hall, other students not really paying the pair any mind, not with how quiet they both were, if Shidou was loud people noticed him, but when he was quiet he was unrecognisable. Sae wondered if he was the only one who could smell the harsh scent Shidou came with. But he thinks he was getting used to that too. He started smelling it even on himself.
The presence pushing him, looming inches above his head, though craned leaning over slightly, he could feel those pink eyes on him, watching blinking. The vibrancy of the pink akin to the colours on only the most dangerous animals, though Sae had started seeming them as something not as harmful. The weight of his gaze he could feel piercing straight into him, sharp and painful, prickling into his skin, maybe not as sharp as he thinks. His discomfort straining as his nails scratch against his belt again and now they've stopped walking.
"...Sae.." He chokes roughly, the sound garbled like he cant breathe. Sae frowns at the pitiful noise, something tugging in his chest, weakening whatever defences he had built. "It's okay" He replies under his breath, words not as sharp as they used to be, unlike knives and more like a hand, outreaching to the human who is waiting for him.
He's ignoring the prickling now, Shidou's face in his peripheral, eyes bright and glaring, not like warning lights, but maybe like lights at a carnival. He's finding the scratching more soothing these days too. Isn't he? Yeah. Shidou doesn't even have to say anything, Sae wouldn't want him using his sad sounding voice again, knowing what he's telling him anyway. His hand isn't shaking he tells himself as it reaches out for the door handle to the closet. Shidou's eyes, don't blink as they remain on his face.
He guides him in again, again. Again.
Again, they're in the dark, Sae ignores how the pink stares at him, visible even in the dark. Ignores the way it lights up Shidou's face which he finds himself unable to look at for too long, light up in dim pink light. He hears the rustling, but he doesn't hear anything at the same time. He doesn't feel like he's entirely present as he blinks carefully at Shidou. Not yet looking. But all the same, staring at him, like if he does then he wont scare him. Training his brain to find this all normal.
"...Look Sae.."
He does so, then.
Eyes flicking mistakenly down to his lips as his tongue, pink and wet, licks slowly over his teeth, pretends like his skin doesn't crawl, and his eyes drop to where they're meant to be. He's holding himself, like holding a gift, hand open, palm cradling himself, like he's offering Sae something. Shidou looks down too, the sight in the dark now ingulfed in that pink light. Illuminating what Shidou always shows him. He's holding his cock, soft, though it's sticky. Once hard. Probably while they were walking.
Sae doesn't acknowledge how he can see what Shidou shows him, in the pink light, stood so close in front of him, he hadn't even noticed this time that he's pressed against a wall, Shidou looming in front of him, but he trying to get rid of it all now. The nausea that's been bubbling in his gut, the scent of burning that makes him automatically want to run from whatever it is that's on fire. Makes him want to block out that impossible light in the dark, and how the face causing it isn't looking down where the light is still, but directly at his own face, watching him.
"Touch it...?"
He asks quietly, voice grating painfully against Sae's ears, though it's not a question.
He doesn't respond with words, or even a nod, just simply with what he knows Shidou wants. Watches his cock in the pink light as it grows again, hardening as Sae's fingers graze the warm flesh. His face doesn't leave its intoxicating distance, even as the pink in the dark lights up, the eyes but the light no longer in the same place, Sae doesn't think about that or anything at all.
Not about his classes, or what he isn't learning in them, but learns with Shidou. They stay quiet. What's there to talk about anyway. He's still not sure whether it's normal. Whether he's normal.
He'll see Shidou sometimes, when he's not quiet around him. Instead he's with others. Nothing quite what he's like when he's attached to Sae. He's cackling, human. Human with other humans. Sae feels wrong for seeing him as anything else. What else would he be? In a room full of humans, he feels himself feel less like a human at all. Shidou's laughing, with his friends, no longer quiet like he is with Sae. Nothing like he is with Sae. He doesn't recognise him much like this, wonders if the other Shidou isn't real after all. Glowing eyes aren't real really are they?
He's hungry more often too. Not quite able to pick anything up in his classes or from his lunchbox. Mind elsewhere. He's stopped wondering where, thinks it's childish, unlike him with how old he is. How old he should pretend to be. Though even so, he can't cook well. Can't do much well either. He keeps burning his food. Gags at the scent. Sometimes throws up as it all hits him.
"Sae...."
"hm?" is all he manages. This isn't going how it normally does, and Sae's putting everything into not being alarmed.
Shidou reaches out and his hands don't touch him, he's being kind, considerate, Sae reasons.
"show me.."
"show you what..?"
There's a cold silence, and it's like neither of them are in the room now, with how Sae's not breathing and Shidou seems like he never is.
"You"
Shidou touches him then though.
"Does it feel nice...?"
He whispers, awfully awfully human. It makes tears build up in his eyes, and he feels himself fade a little more. He doesn't respond, knows it doesn't matter to Shidou.
He just feels. Unable to not. Shidou's hands in his jeans after he'd unzipped them wordlessly for the younger man. Cupping between his legs, eyes on him. Hands so gentle, caressing. Sae would wonder what lesson this must be. But he doesn't, doesn't question it anymore, doesn't really respond much either.
Thinks none of this must be real. When Shidou's on him on the floor now, moving oddly against him, not making a noise, Sae laying there almost dead underneath him. He can’t remember when they had moved from against the door but he’s not worried. Instead he focuses on nothing, feels Shidou rutting against him, feels a weight pressing all over him. He doesn’t focus on anything until it all slows and he notices liquid appear on his jeans from where they're around his thighs, and he frowns mumbled and unaware. "Hey, that’s so gross, did you pee?"
Shidou grunts, takes a second to lift off of him, barely glances down at the substance but he hums before he leaves, tucking himself away. "That's not pee Sae."
He hates not knowing much of anything.
Tries teaching himself things, hears people around him talk about things he doesn't understand, feels stupid as he hears how other people go outside, do things. Don't just stay inside and forget everything. Forget what happens to him, forget what happens between the only events he remembers too.
It happens so often. He doesn't even drag him to that closet anymore, in class he'll hear the scratching still, though he hesitates to look. Knows what he wants. He wonders if he's dead. Wonders if they're both dead.
Wonders what this all means. It's been happening for so long, he's staring to forget how it all started. Forgetting about the closet, the sight of the pink in the dark. The scratching. Wonders if it was all even real. Maybe not. He's always been a little too stupid.
He hasn't seen Shidou in a while. The fact is vague and fuzzy. A mess in his scrambled brain. Always fuzzy around the edges.
Though the scent of burning, the heavy gunpowder, the pink, the danger. It all stays clinging to Sae. He's even forgotten his face, though he feels the way his skin crawls and prickles as if he was here and looming at him like he used to.
He's heard from somewhere that Shidou fell ill.
Heard he died.
Sae supposes he should feel something about that. And maybe he does, somewhere. But instead, he feels him. loitering out of his view. Now like a ghost. Haunting. Too close, like he's pushing him down on his bed again, his chest feeling like it's turning inward. But he feels too far too. He's grown used to it. Used to the scent. He carries it with him now he notices, he wonders if it was always him, rather than Shidou.
Shidou.
That was his name wasn't it? He's forgotten what else went with it. Hasn't heard it spoken in so long, wouldn't dare saying it himself either.
Shidou.
Shidou who he found out had died from old age. Doesn't really remember how old. Decades. Decades. He thought he was old too didn't he? Thought he was such an old man. He gets so confused. Stupid Sae. Everything warping together like that. Makes sense he'd get some things mixed up.
Though, it doesn't feel as offending when he remembers it like that. Shidou was younger than him wasn't he? Bigger. But Sae was older. In that room of kids, he had the power over them. That's how he remembers it at least. He doesn't remember being a child at all. Doesn't really remember being home schooled either. But he remembers Shidou. Even if he says he doesn't. He could never really forget feeling as small as he did. His eyes on him, the gestures. The silent commands. Even if he doesn't remember the details of how small exactly. How old exactly. He's not wrong often. His memory is fairly bad he knows, but he can't remember a time he's been so badly mistaken.
He finds a picture of him by accident. So much time has passed, he'd almost not recognised him. Though his brain isn't allowing him to acknowledge how that's not true, wont quite let him feel the full blown panic he's going through seeing those pink eyes again. He takes the picture, too tightly, too shaky, too affected even after all this time. All after nothing. He burns it. Burns the picture of him, and he's shaking all over. Jaw aching locked in place, eyed widened and stuck in that glassy state. Though it changes immediately, as the smell of burning assaults him. He chokes as he doubles over, throwing up. He continues to ignore how he's crying, screaming on the floor, unable to hold himself up. Unable to do much of anything like this. With how it's all made him. Even if nothing really happened.
He's forgotten it all now. But that's not really true. He knows. Knows how much older Shidou was than him. Remembers everything he showed him. Even though that's all he remembers. Shidou. He's dead though now isn't he? He'll just act like nothing happened. He'll still feel less human than everyone else. Feel that mould in his chest, his disease. Something no one else can really see. Picks at his skin now, picking all the mould off. Pretends like Shidou's not still rooted inside him. Doesn't think about the thick black makeup that covered the wrinkles around his eyes. Or how Sae was really just a boy. Doesn't feel much like a boy, or a man. Pretends that he does though, pretends like he feels human. Like he's not completely destroyed from the inside, feels jealous in a way. Shidou had died years ago, but left Sae here. Sae whose learnt from others without Shidou here teaching him. Touching him. Learnt things that made him throw up. Rendered him unable to speak. He keeps to himself even now. Now he's 29. Though in his mind he's always been that age. Doesn't think about being younger. Doesn't think about Shidou being older, or what he'd eventually learnt. He wishes he hadn't.