Chapter Text
TW: Attempted/suspected suicide, blood, injuries– nothing too graphic.
Regulus Black was a boy who learned how to hide his own storm. He folded feelings into neat invisible packages, wore a mask of cool composure, and practiced the expression his family preferred: distant and contained. He came from an ancient, wealthy pure-blood family; of course he could not afford to let his feelings affect his life.
It had been tough to imprison his feelings as a child. His mother Walburga used to tell him that it would make him stronger. Less weak and therefore safe. And Regulus wanted that more than anything.
He wanted to feel safe again. For a while his little piece of shelter had always been Sirius. But then the older boy left and found himself new friends and a new brother. That day, he broke that shelter and took the warmth with him.
A few years passed and the younger Black learned to see it on the brighter side. After Sirius distanced himself, after he ripped every good chord from Regulus, he finally understood what his mother meant.
Feelings needed to be hidden, or else you would fall prey to your own heart. And that, Regulus couldn’t afford either.
But locking up his feelings, turning them into a violent storm inside of him, didn’t mean he was immune to them. No, Regulus still felt.
And he still felt the most emotions that were bottled up towards his brother who abandoned him. Whatever inconsistent feeling existed in the world, Regulus Black was familiar to them all.
His breath caught in his throat, chest heaving irregularly. He felt wretched when Sirius left.
His hands curled into fists, nails piercing into his palms. He felt angry when Sirius left.
His eyes stared at the ceiling, trying to understand why. He felt confused when Sirius left.
His heart shattered, searching for his presence in every corner. He felt alone when Sirius left.
A long time ago, his brother had been his great hero in his small world which they all called home. And Sirius wrecked that world and trapped Regulus under all that debris.
He was the one to build a small and safer part of their world and he was also the one to destroy it. For that, Regulus would never forgive him.
But now…seeing his brother like this, he considered if he should forgive him after all. The question was: Was it too late to grant someone forgiveness who didn’t even ask for it?
It had been in the middle of the night and past curfew when the boy woke up with a heavy feeling in his chest.
He had tossed and turned, but he couldn’t go back to sleep. His heart hammered and his breaths felt too small for his lungs.
That’s why he decided to get some fresh air in the astronomy tower. He imagined that it would calm his sudden tense mind. He was sure that it was another of his bad nights.
However when he made it to the astronomy tower and spotted his brother’s wand on the ground, close to the railings, he froze.
Regulus looked around before picking up his wand. No one was present, but why was his wand here? The uncomfortable feeling in Regulus didn’t go away.
In fact, it got worse and made it harder to breathe. He sighed deeply as one of his hands rubbed his sternum in attempts to calm down. Though, he didn’t.
He didn’t know if it was his anxiety or heart that told him to approach the railings. He still did it, hands wrapping around the frozen railings that were covered with December’s snow. Maybe it was his conscience that urged him to slowly look down. And there it was.
The scream of Regulus Black echoed through the night.
He never thought he was capable of making such a sound, because his pain of all those years was silent. Hidden, like his mother had taught him. The deafening scream that ripped his throat felt unreal and foreign. But it was real.
Regulus screamed, because his brother lay on the grounds of Hogwarts, just below the astronomy tower. If not for the crimson on the snow, Regulus thought that Sirius was simply making ridiculous snow angels.
Sirius Black was numbly crumpled in his blood on the snow and under the stars– He was a star, would it be so bad to join the night sky tonight?
It all happened in a blur afterwards; Regulus clutching Sirius’s wand, sprinting down the astronomy tower, waking the Professors and Madame Pomfrey, slipping on the snow before approaching his brother, watching him urgently getting dragged inside, spells being cast, rushing and waiting... And hoping no one would say the words he feared the most right now.
He didn’t remember it clearly – maybe because of the shock – but he heard Madam Pomfrey explaining his state to McGonagall in a hurry while still taking care of Sirius.
“....brain injury and internal bleeding– that’s my biggest worry now.”
“Do you think he fell from the tower?” McGonagall had asked with worry.
“Maybe, I don’t know. But he also broke a leg, has a badly bruised spinal cord and a fractured pelvis.”
“You’ll be able to fix him, right? Tell me he is gonna be alright, Poppy.”
“I’m already trying my best.”
“Oh my poor boy…You don’t think he did this to himself, do you?.”
“Well, there are no traces of anyone on him, Minerva…”
All of that gave Regulus a strong headache. He waited outside the curtains on an empty bed, rubbing his hands that were stained with Sirius’ blood. The metallic scent made him nauseous.
He felt out of breath and his legs didn’t stop trembling. “You fucking idiot,” he thought. But he failed to be angry right now– not when they said that Sirius probably did this to himself.
He didn’t want to believe that he would ever want to end his life. He was convinced that was the biggest lie he ever heard, because this was Sirius Black! The boy with his avalanche of laughter and reckless light.
He had friends that he’d never shut up about, telling everyone how amazing and real they were. Regulus knew that. But he was having a difficult time trying to understand.
Why was Sirius fighting between life and death now if his friends were so great? What happened to the great James Potter and where was he right now?
Regulus frustratedly pressed his palms to his eyes, the blood on his skin long dried. The cruel fact that his brother’s blood was clinging to him was absurd.
He didn’t want it there, but he also didn’t want to go up and wash it off yet. The younger Black was afraid to move in general. What if he did and the next they’d tell him Sirius was dead?
The other cruel fact was that there was nothing he could do at the moment. The only thing he did was silently pray the whole night. “Please, let him be okay.”
Of course he hated his brother. Of course he was angry at him. But that didn’t mean he wanted Sirius dead. That didn’t mean he wanted to stand in front of his grave soon.
They were supposed to have time and, even if it was a childish thought of Regulus, to try and make things right between them. To be brothers again.
He wanted to experience these memories. “Please don’t take him from me just yet,” Regulus prayed to someone who hopefully would hear him.
Sirius was sure that he wasn’t able to make any mistakes in his life, because he meant everything he said and did. Never would someone catch Sirius apologizing or feeling guilty for something he did. The Gryffindor lived every day as if it was his last.
But this time it seemed like he messed up for good. It was the first time Sirius was aware of his mistake. This time he had meant it and did not think about any consequences– he never did.
But he should have. He risked lots of lives that night, he risked Remus’ life, James’ life and no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, he also risked Snape’s life.
“WHAT the hell were you exactly thinking, Sirius?” James argued, his rage jumping around their dorm. It was a rare sight to see James Potter angry, especially towards his best friend.
“You could have gotten Snape killed! Or what if they expelled Remus? How would you have lived with yourself?!”
“I…I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking. It was supposed to be a prank! A bloody fucking prank–” Sirius tried to explain, but he couldn’t find the right words.
Everything that came out of his mouth didn’t feel enough. They were unsure. Just when Peter wanted to say something, in hopes to ease the tension, the door of their dorm opened.
The room went deadly silent when Remus entered with his crutch and a bandage around his right forearm. He wasn’t looking at anyone, he didn’t have the strength for it, so he slowly made his way to his bed.
But he didn’t get far when Sirius suddenly stood in front of him, desperate, with fumbling hands and messy hair. “Moony–”
“Don’t you dare.”
The words of Remus leaked out of his mouth like venom. His usual green eyes that always looked at Sirius with a soft touch, were now emotionless.
For the first time, Remus Lupin looked at Sirius with empty eyes. And that was the part that hurt Sirius the most: Empty and emotionless eyes. It reminded him far too much of his mother.
James and Peter fell quiet and glanced at each other. The situation now turned into something personal between Sirius and Remus.
But both were ready if things should escalate. Though, James was sure that neither of the boys were in the state to fight.
"Please, just–” Sirius tried again but Remus didn’t let him. After this hour he wouldn’t let him do anything.
He didn’t deserve his attention, to hear his voice or even the slightest insult. However, Remus was hurt too and he couldn’t hold himself back.
“Can you give it back to me?”
Sirius fell still like a stone. Not because he was confused, no. Brutally, he knew exactly what Remus was referring to. And it set Sirius’ heart in a fire that didn’t feel pleasant.
It wasn’t the fire that Remus created in him. It was the fire that trapped Sirius with guilt, shame and regret.
“Can you give me my secret– my solitude back to me, Sirius?” Remus asked again, raising his voice and making it more specific on purpose.
He knew, Sirius knew, and he still asked. Remus wanted Sirius to understand in the most painful way that there was no going back anymore.
Sirius tried to make things better, to show his friends that he wasn’t a monster, that he was still worth being friends with, to earn their – Remus’ trust again, to make them no longer look at him with disappointment…
But who was he kidding? He wasn’t worth it. He broke the trust he had with Remus himself in the most vicious way and that’s why he deserved the looks of disappointment.
In the last few weeks, Sirius realized that James’ absence hurt on a whole different level. He thought that James maybe would have shown him a way to bend things right, but James was just as shattered and stood with Remus, like Peter. And that was the right thing.
Sirius Black never felt so alone before. The boy didn’t know what to do anymore. He felt like a stray animal that was wandering alone, no longer living. Only surviving and waiting for the day to pass so the new day could arrive.
He remembered being up in the astronomy tower one night in December. It was cold and he didn’t bring his coat. There were things that were colder, like Remus’ gaze. So it wasn’t that bad.
Speaking of… A week ago there was the full moon and it was the first time he didn’t join the others. It was the first time Sirius needed to leave Remus alone.
But Sirius did this himself and it was strange not to be in his animagus form and run through the woods with his Moony, Prongs and Wormtail.
But that was the strange thing. The last thing he remembered was being in the astronomy tower…drinking to drown the heaviness in his heart and to silence the cruel voice in his head…and then… Then that was it. There was no after.
Sirius was confused and utterly in pain when he woke up in the hospital wing one evening.
James Potter was in the Great Hall and having breakfast with Remus and Peter. They were all still tired and eating in silence, other students talking to their friends, walking in and out like every day.
James couldn’t help but look at his side a few times only to find it empty and remember that Sirius wouldn’t show up. That they were still not on speaking terms.
Weeks had passed after the prank but it was still hard for the Potter boy to not have his best friend by his side.
He sighed deeply, realizing that he was poking his scrambled eggs with his fork again. Whenever Sirius would pop up into his mind, he’d feel his stomach twist in an aching way because he couldn’t deny it: James missed Sirius.
That boy longed for his best friend. But going back to what they were and pretending nothing happened was wrong.
James slightly pushed his plate a little forward as a sign for himself and the others that he was finished. Remus noticed and set his cup of tea down with an arched brow.
“This is like the tenth time that you’re not finishing your breakfast,” Remus said, his words making Peter look up from his own plate. “Again?”
“You’re the one to talk. You’ve been only drinking tea for breakfast for a month now,” James replied flatly, pushing his glasses back up.
And both were quiet, only looking at each other and knowing exactly what was going through their mind. Even with Sirius being absent, he was still influencing them. It would be a lie if they weren’t worried for each other.
“Do you want me to get you your favourite Porridge? With figs?” Peter asked kindly after a beat of silence. Sometimes this worked, some other times it didn’t.
James smacked his lips and shook his head. Maybe he should go to his class now, or else he feared he’d lose his concentration for the rest of the day.
“I’ll see you in class,” he announced as he stood up and already started to walk out of the Great Hall. He didn’t even wait for the boys to say anything.
James was in a rush, but for what? He realized halfway on the third floor that he was going to the wrong class.
He stopped abruptly and began to try to sort out his mind. “Okay, okay, okay,” he chanted quietly to himself to calm down. Though, it was hard when heavy footsteps grew louder behind James. He rubbed his face and continued to take deep breaths.
But…
“Potter!”
It happened too fast for James to notice.
As soon as he had turned around, James’ glasses landed on the ground and he stumbled to the side after someone collided his fist against the side of his face.
It seemed like his mind was silent and sorted out now. James needed a few seconds to register that he had just been punched.
Hand on the side of his face, he slowly turned to see who dared to–
Regulus Black had punched James Potter.
The younger Black wasn’t a physically violent person. But today he was and it felt good.
When the shock slowly faded from James and the stinging pain on his jaw was bearable, he picked up his glasses and put them back on while glaring at the boy. “What in the name of–”
“You know, Sirius used to worship you,” Regulus interrupted him sharply. His words caught James off guard.
He had no idea what was going on, why it was about Sirius and why Regulus was the one to talk about him right here in an empty corridor.
“He’d never shut up about how great you were. He loved you so much he started to see you as his brother and not me,” the words came through gritted teeth and clenched fists, so he wouldn’t punch him again. “Now tell me: If you are so great, why aren’t you with him right now?”
James was still a stranger on what Regulus was talking about, but he knew that something was wrong because something was nagging at him. The Potter boy was baffled and angry.
He stepped closer, towering over the younger Black. He was a bit taller than him, but Regulus was not intimidated or scared. In fact, James was the one getting uncomfortable.
“Did Sirius send you here?” James hissed, unnerved which made Regulus only scoff. One second he was laughing, the other he had gripped James’ collars and pushed him harshly against the nearest wall.
Sure, Regulus was a bit shorter and not as trained as James, but the strength that came with anger was incredible.
“What the fuck is your problem?!” James yelled at last, thrashing around the boy’s grip. But Regulus’ grip tightened and he was sure he was going to lose his mind.
The way how clueless and arrogant James was, fueled his rage only more. “You are my problem!” Regulus yelled back.
James laughed loudly and shook his head. “Sirius sent you, right?” he mocked. “Well, tell him that he needs-”
He was sure he would make his point. He felt confident and after a long time, he was pissed at Sirius again. Or was he disappointed that Sirius didn’t show up and sent his brother instead? James wouldn’t fall for this. He wasn’t stupid.
But he never got to finish his words. Of course he didn’t get to finish anything with Regulus.
“If he dies because you failed to be a friend, I will become your nightmare, Potter!” Regulus roared.
Never did James think that Regulus cared for Sirius. He even thought that Regulus was just messing with James, but the crack in his voice, the tears becoming visible in his harsh grey eyes made James shut up completely.
James froze at those words, like he’d slammed against an iceberg. He was sure his skin lost all the color, drawn like a large wave of the ocean. His heart faltered and his jaw trembled when he spoke. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, so now you care?” he spat, blood violently boiling underneath his skin.
“Did something happen to Sirius?” James asked quietly. Suddenly, he felt small again, like a helpless kid.
His hands were shaking and he had to stop the urge to shake Regulus by his shoulders and scream what the hell happened. “What happened to my brother?!” he wanted to scream, like the events of November never happened.
“Fuck you, Potter,” was all Regulus said before letting him go. James was left breathless and troubled with Regulus’ words echoing loudly in his mind:
“If he dies because you failed to be a friend, I will become your nightmare, Potter!”
He didn’t even know for sure if Sirius was there. But his gut-feeling brought him there and unfortunately he was right. James found Sirius in the hospital wing.