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“Dinner, huh? I like the sound of that,” Rodney was sitting on a bench next to Ronon out in the Governor’s garden.
“Yes, and we are their honored guests,” Teyla beamed, proud she could set up a formal event for opening up trade negotiations with Governor Sigurd on Planet M59-X24.
“Yep, this is very important too. This planet’s in a strategic location so…best behavior,” John Sheppard said standing next to Teyla.
“Why’d he look at me when he said that?” Rodney whined to Ronon, who shot him a mischievous grin.
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“I’m telling you, she’s checking me out,” Rodney whispered to John at the Governor’s table. John shot him a “not now” look, hoping no one else heard that. They had just finished pleasantries as they were seated in the lavish dining room. The Governor’s mansion was reminiscent of the Victorian era style.
Governor Sigurd’s daughter, Hera, sent soft glances to McKay between sentences with her father and Sheppard’s team. She had dark eyes and long dark waves cascading down her white shoulders. Her lips were striking red, slightly parted as if she were about to speak. When she did, it was intoxicating, as if she was putting everyone in the room under her trance. Her green gown had an ethereal fairy-like design, less flamboyant than the other noble women in attendance. She excused herself once the pleasantries were out of the way.
Sigurd merely smiled at her and bid her goodnight, “You must excuse my daughter, Colonel. While she seems strong and healthy, she is afflicted with an ailment, incurable by our doctors. She will retire for the evening.”
“We have doctors who could see her, if you’d like,” Sheppard offered, helpfully.
“I appreciate the sentiment, Colonel, but she’s very shy and has a fear of new doctors. Her personal physician has been seeing her since she was a child and she only trusts him. Now about those trade negotiations. What do you plan to offer us in return for a base near our city?” Sigurd turned the conversation to more formal topics, noticeably bothered by his daughter’s health and not wanting to reveal anything else more personally.
The meal was lavish and consisted of many courses, which Sheppard’s team ate heartily, although John was careful to check there was no citrus whenever there was a new course brought out. Rodney feigned embarrassment,
“Really, Sheppard, they know I can’t have any citrus after the fifth time you mentioned it.”
But he smiled to himself when John wasn’t looking. It felt good to be looked after. He certainly wasn’t used to it and wasn’t exactly sure how to handle it.
As the night wore on, Teyla and the governor were deep in their diplomacy conversation, John and Rodney grew silent, unsure how to contribute but still listening for any relevant information. Ronon was doing his best not to fall asleep after such a heavy meal.
Just then, a well dressed servant approached McKay and whispered in his ear.
“Oh, really? Alright, I’ll be right there,” Rodney shot a quick glance at John, “I’ve gotta go but I’ll see you upstairs.”
John nodded but sent him a worried expression, his brow furrowing. He didn’t know these people but they seemed friendly enough. And Rodney still had his sidearm. Sheppard insisted he keep it on him at all times. Even during dinner. He watched Rodney leave the room before turning his attention back to Teyla.
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Rodney came out into the garden and walked towards the fountain. The soft lantern light around it showed a silhouette of a woman sitting on the side, her hand placed in the water.
“Hera? You wanted to see me?” Rodney almost whispered. This wasn’t where he expected to meet her. Something felt off.
“Dr. McKay, so good of you to come. I apologize for the late hour. It’s just…well, all those people, the noise…it was too much for me, in my condition. You understand?”
“Oh, yeah, right. Your condition. Your father mentioned something about that. But why did you want to see me?” Rodney’s brow furrowed as she approached him.
“I’m in need of a doctor, you see. My physician was…insufficient for my needs,” She looked at the ground, perhaps in sorrow. She placed her hands on his shoulders and stared deeply into his eyes.
“Um, well, I…uh, I’m not that kind of a doctor,” Rodney’s nerves were on edge. This wasn’t appropriate at all, even if he had found her attractive, “I’m actually an astrophysicist, a scientist. Not a medical doctor…it’s just a title. I’m sorry. But we have other doctors you could see.” He hoped this would get her to back off.
“No…” She drew in closer, “I want you…” She kissed him. His eyes grew wide as he pulled away.
“I’m sorry…” Rodney took a few steps back, “Not that you aren’t beautiful or anything...but I love someone else.”
“Oh,” Her eyes flashed even in the dim light, “Really? And you wouldn’t even consider me?”
“It’s not that…” Rodney started sweating, looking for somewhere, anywhere to run, “It’s just, I don’t feel the same way you do…this is all very flattering but no, I’m sorry.”
“I see,” She looked off to the side and nodded towards the darkness.
Zap!
Rodney fell to the ground from the stunner and two bodyguards came out from behind the bushes.
“Take him to my chambers. No one says ‘no’ to me,” Hera ordered, staring coldly at Rodney, as the guards dragged him away.
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John excused himself from the dinner table. It had been at least a few hours since Rodney had left and he was getting tired. He was sure Rodney would be in their room waiting for him. Teyla had finished with the diplomacy talks and had already made plans with Sigurd to meet with Elizabeth in the next few days. Ronon had fallen asleep at the table and the last John saw was Teyla shaking him awake to get him to bed.
John noticed the messenger who had talked to Rodney out in the foyer standing next to a window. He nodded to him before taking off up the stairs. When he got to his room, he noticed the lights were off.
“Rodney? You asleep?” John whispered. No answer.
He adjusted the gas lamps to brighten up the room. The bed was empty. It hadn’t been slept in. John swallowed and his brow furrowed. He checked the bathroom. It was perfectly spotless. Rodney hadn’t been here at all. John’s heart started pounding and his chest seized up.
He clicked his radio, “Rodney? This is Sheppard. Are you there?” Nothing, “Rodney? If you can hear this, pick up?” Still no answer.
He clicked it again, “Ronon, Teyla, you guys seen Rodney?”
“Colonel, this is Teyla. I haven’t seen him since he left us at dinner. He’s not in his room?”
“No, I just checked. Look, I saw the guy downstairs who talked to him. I’m gonna go ask him if he knows where he is. Ask around and let me know if you find him. Sheppard out.”
“We’ll find him, John. Teyla out.”
John licked his lips nervously as he attached his sidearm holster and grabbed a life signs detector. He had a bad feeling about this.
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“Where is he?” John towered over the smaller man in a threatening way.
“Please! I…I would tell you but…she’ll…she won’t like it,” He begged.
“She who?” John gritted his teeth, “I know you know where Dr. McKay is. Just tell me!”
“Alright, alright!” The little man looked around nervously, “I’ll take you to him but you must promise me, you won’t tell anyone I told you…she, she does this when she wants someone. I…I can’t stop her. She’s well protected.”
“Who is?” John was losing patience.
“Hera,” was all he said and he took off up the stairs, John following close behind him.
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“There’s her room. Now please, let me go,” The little man was shaking as he pointed to a large door at the end of the hall.
John nodded, “Wait! What would she do to him?”
The trembling man merely shook his head as he took off running down the hall. John licked his lips nervously. He was afraid to radio Ronon and Teyla. Heart pounding wildly at what he’d find, he tried the doorknob. Locked. There wasn’t time to pick the lock and he was growing desperate. He took a chance and shot the knob and burst in taking in his surroundings with his gun. What he saw made his heart catch in his throat.
There on a large covered bed in the middle of the room, was Rodney. His arms were over his head tied to the headboard bars with a silk rope. He was lying on his side, completely naked. Scratches and welts were all up and down his body. His face scrunched up in pain with welts on his cheeks and lips, his mouth gagged tightly. His eyes were closed and his breathing shallow. As John approached him and knelt beside him, he noticed his genitals were covered in blood.
Rage washed over John and his eyes welled up with tears as he took out a knife to cut through the ropes. He gently lowered Rodney’s arms to his side. Rodney flinched.
“Rodney?” He whispered as he took off his gag, “Rodney, please, wake up.”
He gently shook him, then heard a footstep behind him. He turned around and saw Hera in a doorway off to the side of the room, covered mostly in shadow.
“You’ve entered my room without my consent, Colonel.” She spoke so softly, even soothingly it threw John off a bit.
“What the hell have you done to him?!” John’s blood boiled inside him as he reached for his sidearm.
“Drop your weapon,” She cooed, coming into the light, a pistol aimed at John’s head.
John drew his sidearm and fired on her before she could pull the trigger. He shot her several times in the chest before she fell.
“NO!!” Shrieked Rodney. John turned around to see his eyes wide and his body trembling from the gunshots. He had his hands over his ears but as soon as he saw John looking at him, quickly put his hands down and tried to cover himself.
“Rodney, it’s alright. It’s me. It’s John, your John. I’m gonna get you out of here,” John knelt beside him and reached out to touch his shoulder. Rodney drew back like an abused animal and began to sob. He tried to bury his face in the mattress.
“Rodney, it’s me,” John was startled that Rodney didn’t seem to recognize him.
“No, no, no, no! I didn’t mean to. Please! I didn’t mean to,” Rodney was babbling uncontrollably through his tears. John radioed for Ronon. He knew from the gunshots, he didn’t have much time to get Rodney out.
John found a sheet and covered him up as gently as he could, Rodney still sobbing and trying to shrink away. He seemed not to know who John was or where he was. John’s brow furrowed as his eyes burned from unshed tears. Rodney wouldn’t let him near him. John tried to keep talking until Ronon got there, “It’s alright, Rodney. We’ll get you home. I’m here. It’s me, it’s John. I’m here.”
Rodney blinked several times as if coming out of a stupor, “John?”
“Yes, Rodney. It’s me,” John tried to reach out again. Rodney drew back.
“I…I’m sorry, John. I…I tried to stop her,” His face was twisted in agony.
“Rodney,” John gulped, “She hurt you. It’s not your fault.”
Rodney simply stared at him blankly, pulling the sheet up to his chin. Ronon and Teyla arrived and his face turned red with shame, “I’m sorry.” He whispered over and over again.
Ronon said nothing but scooped Rodney up, sheet and all and headed out the door with him. Seeing Hera dead on the floor told him there was no one left to shoot.
“Let’s get him out of here,” John wiped his eyes with his palms, his lips trembling. Teyla nodded, observing the dead woman and quickly assessed what had happened. The negotiations were definitely off.
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Rodney’s eyes opened slowly, cautiously. He didn’t remember much of how he’d gotten back to Atlantis and to the infirmary. Only a burning sense of pain and utter humiliation. Flashes of John’s face, the gunshots, John’s face again, Ronon carrying him in a sheet. Shouts and more gunfire. Panic. Darkness.
He felt groggy now and numb as he saw John slumped over in a chair asleep next to his bed, holding his hand. Rodney let go of his hand and quickly felt his body all over making sure he was dressed. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized he was.
He held his arms tightly around himself and scrunched his eyes up, wishing to disappear. Wishing to forget the horrible experience. He sobbed gently trying his best to stifle his crying. Trying desperately not to wake John. Wishing he was alone but wishing John would wake up at the same time.
John sat up and leaned over, slowly, “Hey, it’s alright. You’re gonna be okay. You’re home now. Everything’s going to be okay.” John laid a hand gently on Rodney’s arm. He flinched and looked into his eyes for half a second before turning his eyes downward in shame, “John…I…I…don’t know what to say…” He shivered.
“Then don’t say anything,” John soothed as he pulled the blanket over Rodney’s shoulders, “Let me get you another blanket. You seem cold.”
He grabbed a blanket from a nearby bed and wrapped Rodney up in it, “Look, you’ve been through a terrible experience, Rodney. I’m sorry. I…I should’ve checked on you sooner. We’re never going back there. I promise. I won’t let anyone else hurt you. Doc says you’re gonna need to stay in bed for the next few weeks. I’ll be right here if you need anything, alright? Try and go back to sleep.”
He bent down to kiss Rodney on the forehead. Rodney flinched again, “No…don’t. Please, I…I don’t want you to…I just want to be alone.”
John backed away, his brow furrowing, “Are you sure…because it’s no trouble to stay…”
“Yes,” Rodney’s voice cracked, terrified he’d start sobbing again, “I’m…it’s just…I’m sorry, John. I know you’re trying to help but…I…I just want to be alone…please…”
“Oh, alright,” John reached out to touch his shoulder, absently, then pulled back, afraid of startling Rodney again, “If that’s what you need, I’ll give you some space. Your radio is on your nightstand. Call me if you need anything.”
John felt sick to his stomach as he walked away. He could hear Rodney’s sobs in the distance and wanted nothing more than to run back to him and hold him to make it better. But he couldn’t. Rodney wanted to be alone.
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The next few days were very difficult for John. Rodney barely spoke to anyone. Carson was visibly worried about him, which was never a good sign.
“His wounds are mostly cuts and minor abrasions,” Carson explained to John, “Those are healin’ just fine. It’s the shock of the trauma I’m most worried about. That will take time. He’ll need a lot of care and understanding right now. Rest is important but so is predictability. He may not come out of this for a good long while, Colonel. I want ya to understand that. The trauma he’s experienced is some of the worst imaginable. He may not be himself for quite some time yet.”
John nodded slowly, “Yeah, Doc, I know. But I want to help him. Is there anything more I can do?”
He’d been at a loss ever since Rodney told him he wanted to be alone. Rodney hadn’t let him touch him, wasn’t eating and when he did sleep, it was fitful and he woke from nightmares. John was going crazy just watching it all and felt helpless.
“Aye, there is. Have patience with him. Let him tell you what he’s comfortable with. Don’t force anythin’ on him. He’ll come around but in the meantime just be patient and consistent with him.”
John nodded and stared off, mournfully, as he wet his lips again, “I’m trying, Doc. It’s just…I feel like he doesn’t want me around.”
Carson smiled and patted his shoulder gently, “I can assure ya, he does. He usually wakes screamin’ your name. He’s ashamed of what’s happened to him, is all. Like most victims of…he feels like he could’ve done somethin’ to prevent it. Like he was an active participant in something very wrong. It’s not an uncommon reaction but he’ll need reassurance that this was somethin’ done to him. She hurt him against his will.”
John’s eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open, “He’s blaming himself? Why?”
Carson sighed and shook his head, “It’s a response to bein’ used. He feels violated and rightfully so. Like I say, it’s not uncommon for him to react this way.”
John nodded and Carson gestured for him to go over and sit with Rodney. He slowly sat down in the chair next to Rodney’s bedside, rubbed his face with his hands and stared at Rodney’s battered face, still thinking he looked just as beautiful as ever.
A lump formed in his throat as he longed to hold that face in his hands again. He yearned to curl up in bed with him and kiss all his worries away. John’s face grew hot with rage when he thought of what had been done to Rodney, his Rodney. But Hera was dead and there was no one else to shoot. So, John just stared helplessly at him. He would have to be patient. But that was hard.
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Over the next few days, John stayed with him. He didn’t try to bring up what had happened since that usually only served to trigger a panic attack in Rodney or cause him to shut down completely.
John came up with distractions. Cards, chess, movies. Anything to get his mind off what he’d gone through. He didn’t try to touch him and made sure he got what he needed. Made sure he ate and drank enough water. This seemed to help and while Rodney didn’t seem like himself yet, he was at least talking to John a bit more, eating when meals came and even slept some, although still usually woke with nightmares.
Visitors would trickle in from time to time. Ronon and Teyla usually visited in the morning during breakfast. Zelenka came in after and let Rodney know what his team in the science labs were working on, even sneaking him a laptop much to Carson’s disapproval.
Rodney seemed to chat more and more with Zelenka about their work over the next few days and seemed eager to get back to it. He was on his laptop constantly and stopped playing games with John.
“Hey, wanna play chess? It’s been a few days,” John ventured.
“Oh, um, I dunno. I’ve got a lot of reports to go over…maybe later,” Rodney answered, barely looking up from his laptop.
“Oh…okay,” John looked around the room, awkwardly, “Mind if I hang around anyway?”
“Hmm, maybe you’d better go. I’m sure you have a lot to catch up on after just sitting here with me all day. It’s been over a week anyway. Carson said he can let me go tomorrow, most likely.” Rodney paused for a second, then went back to his laptop.
“Oh, you want me to go?” John sighed.
Rodney looked up at him, “I didn’t say that…but you’ve been here for most of this past week. Don’t you have other, more important things to do than play chess with me? Hmm?”
John stared at the wall, deep in thought, “No, not really…”
Rodney eyed him suspiciously, “Good one. Of course you do! Better than sitting here rotting away with me.” He laughed. John didn’t.
Rodney sighed, “John? You still there?”
“Hmm? Yep, still here. Look, Rodney, it’s just…I don’t want to leave you. I mean, what if you need something?”
Rodney pointed to the emergency button on his bed, “I can call for help. Plus the radio. Anyway, why is it so important to you? I’m fine now.”
John gulped, “Well, I’m not! Finding you like that was…was the worst! I…I’m not even sure how to talk about it.”
Rodney gulped and lowered his head, “We don’t have to. I’d rather just forget it even happened anyway.”
John nodded, “Yeah. I can understand that. Look, I’ll go but I can be back tonight for dinner. That okay?”
Rodney looked up and smiled, “Sure, dinner sounds good.” And he went back to typing before John even had a chance to leave.
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Over the next few days, Rodney was released and stayed in his lab most of the time. He didn’t meet his team for meals and only ate in the off hours or if John brought him something. Ronon and Teyla were concerned and while they tried talking to him, he acted offended at their advances, trying to convince them he was fine before he buried himself in his work again.
Late one night, Rodney was working in his lab and John stopped by with a dinner tray.
“Hey, thought you might need something to eat,” he set the tray down near Rodney, who was engrossed in his work.
“Oh, thank you,” Rodney nodded, still looking at his screen. As he reached out for the tray, he overshot and it slid, clattering off the counter onto the floor. He jumped from his stool and stood trembling while staring at the mess at his feet, “I’m sorry. I…I didn’t mean to…”
He covered his face with his hands and began sobbing violently, his shoulders shuddering. John gently laid a hand on his shoulder, “It’s alright. It was an accident… hey, c’mere,” He soothed and slowly reached his arms around pulling Rodney into himself. He rubbed his back, gently, letting Rodney cry on his shoulder as he tried to soothe him.
After a few minutes, Rodney began to relax, his shoulders eased down and his crying had stopped, “I’m sorry, John.” He wiped his tears as John sat him down on his stool again.
“Hey, it’s alright. It was just an accident,” John picked up the tray and looked around for a broom. He found one in a corner and began to sweep it up.
“No, I mean…I don’t know why I was crying…I couldn’t help it…sorry,” Rodney’s head was lowered in shame again.
“Rodney, it’s okay,” John finished sweeping it up and went in with paper towels, “Actually, it was kinda nice.” John smiled at him as he threw the paper towels away.
“Nice? What do you mean?” Rodney raised an eyebrow at him. John handed him a bottle of water.
“I mean, you let me hold you. It was nice…I…I’ve wanted to do that for awhile now but you told me not to. It was hard not to,” John leaned on the counter, thoughtfully.
“Oh,” Rodney shook his head, “I…I didn’t realize…I thought you…you wouldn’t want to after…after what you saw…I mean,” he took a deep breath, “It felt wrong…what had happened…I felt dirty, like I’d done something I wasn’t supposed to do. I thought you would think less of me because of it…” He choked to get the words out, unsure if he was explaining things right.
John pulled up a stool and sat next to him as close as he dared, “No, I never thought that. All I could think about was killing her and taking care of you. And not in that order. I just wanted to make things better for you, Rodney. What happened to you…was something that was done TO you. It was an attack and there’s no other way to say it.”
He began to tear up as he gently placed his hand in Rodney’s, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time. I’m sorry she hurt you.”
“John, it’s not your fault either. It’s not really anyone’s fault. It just happened,” Rodney stared at the wall but he let John hold his hand.
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John offered to get Rodney another tray but he said he wasn’t hungry and just wanted to go to bed. He walked Rodney to his room and at the door was about to turn around when Rodney grabbed his hand, “Can you stay with me tonight?”
John tried not to seem too eager, “Of course! Whatever you need.” He grabbed a blanket from Rodney’s closet and settled in a chair, unsure what Rodney meant by ‘stay’ and didn’t want to push things by climbing into his bed uninvited.
“What are you doing?” Rodney gave him a puzzled look.
“I’m…uh, I’m staying here…is that alright?” John’s mouth hung open, afraid he’d misunderstood.
“No! It’s not alright. Can you just get in the bed! God, John, I don’t want you to sleep in that little chair!” Rodney sounded more angry than he felt. His emotions were very raw and he wasn’t in the mood for anything unexpected.
“Oh, okay,” John crawled into the bed trying very hard not to touch Rodney. This was tricky since the bed wasn’t really meant for two people and they’d usually sleep pressed into each other. John didn’t want to push it though and he was letting Rodney make the first move.
“John?”
“Yeah?”
“You can move in a little closer. Wouldn’t want you falling off the bed or anything.”
John scooched in as close as he dared, still apprehensive about getting too close. Rodney huddled in next to him, laying his head on John's shoulder. John held his breath as Rodney placed his hand over John’s heart, feeling the warm comforting sound of his steady heartbeat. He gently placed his hand on top of Rodney’s, massaging it with his thumb. John reached over with his other hand and held Rodney’s forearm, rubbing it up and down in a soothing rotation.
“Mmm, you’re right. This is nice,” Rodney breathed out, softly. It was John’s turn to shed a few tears, the lump in this throat returning.
“Is it…is it okay if I kiss you?” John pleaded.
“Mhm,” Rodney hummed nearly asleep.
John lifted his head and kissed Rodney gently on the forehead, let out a contented sigh and a relieved “Thank you.” It was all he could think of to say.
“Love you,” Rodney whispered, as he snuggled himself into John’s chest wondering why he’d waited so long to do this.
“Love you too,” John whispered back, happy he’d taken Carson’s advice and taken things slow. Happy to have his Rodney back at last.