Chapter Text
Feeling like A Loser Feeling like a Bum
"She's small for being one of them." The male voice, hazy as she struggled to open her eyes with the bright overhead light glaring into her face. Her mind was cloudy and his voice registered farther than it truly was.
"Ever consider you're just big?" Another man responded and various laughs rang out.
"She's coming to. Soléne can you hear me?" This time the voice was female and there was a snapping in her ears which caused them to twitch.
"Auditory reflex's are good, Soléne open your eyes now." The woman demanded and she did just that trying to adjust to the light as a smaller light shinned directly into her pupils, she fought back a groan of discomfort. She looked around to the people surrounding her, the majority in hazmat suits and protective gear. Her eyes widened at the imposing blue creature to her left. He was human like but not at all, large and intimating dressed in military clothes with a gun on his hip. She hurried to look away only to get a glance at her own, or what she assumed to be her own hand, blue, deep blue just like that creature. She took in a breath as the machines beeping increased, showing her fear to everyone.
"No need to panic Soléne, this is your Avatar body this can be overwhelming so we will take things slow. Can you tell me who you are, where we are going, and why you are here?" The lady asked directing the girls attention. She processed her questions but drew blanks, in all fact she did not know anything. She assumed she was Soléne and she was blue.
"I-I don't know. Am I Soléne? Her voice was soft and raspy from lack of use.
"Yes you are Soléne, what is the last thing you remember?" Again nothing came to mind, she could tell the woman was not pleased as she called for others in the room. Had she done something wrong?
"I-I can't, I don't know anything, who or what I am. Why am I like this?" Soléne noted her long blue legs, body much larger compared to the people around her sans the blue man.
"Transfer amnesia we got lucky on the other Recons, dammit, scan her head please."
"Seriously? You said that was only a 10% chance that the transfer wouldn't stick!" The small man next to the blue one exclaimed loudly causing Soléne to pin her ears back, the sudden noise scaring her. She pulled her blue legs into her chest, looking nervously around the room.
"And this is that 10% Mr. Selfridge-"
"Yeah well I need a doctor not some empty shell!"
"We still have months before our arrival on Pandora, training can be given and she will still be a useful field medic." The woman assured but Mr. Selfridge did not look very convinced. The blue man put a large hand on Selfridges shoulder making him look up.
"She has a point, we aint needing no plastic surgeon out there, just someone to keep you alive until you get back to base. Plus I thought she was more for keeping us from getting lost in local tail." Soléne assumed the end part was a joke, except no one laughed and she felt beyond uncomfortable.
"Yes and no. Although she is much prettier than any of the savages that I've seen."
"Yes her features are striking, she was a pretty human so those genes transfer over into this form." Soléne felt like an object rather than a living thing, they spoke of her as if she was not in the room. Like her own thoughts didn't matter, like they owned her. Her stomach twisted at the thought of what was coming for her, she hoped her faith would not be intwined with the man who resembled her but she doubted it.
"Let's get you changed and we'll finish running the motor skills tests." She was glad to see the room clear out, leaving just female staff to help her change. The camo shorts and black tank top felt strange on her skin, slightly scratchy. Once she had changed she was able to finally see her herself, which Soléne had hoped would trigger old memories if she saw her own face, but what looked back at her mean't nothing, no spark or even inkling. What looked back was a blue girl with large amber eyes markings and white freckles scattered across her face, lips pouty and full. Her hair was long, down to her bottom with a singular braid, she touched it, noting it sensitive and stiff. She lifted it and jumped when the bottom part opened to reveal pink glowing tendrils, moving and alive.
"Don't play with that come we are behind." She dropped it following the team to wherever they saw fit. She took one more glance and swallowed hard.
"You are going to Pandora, ladies and gentlemen. Respect that fact, every second of every day. I know you're all asking yourselves the same question-Why so blue?" The room filled with laughter, Soléne did not laugh, he unnerved her still, clearly everyone in the room knew one another, except her. Her contact with her new team had been limited, instead her focus was acquiring as much medical knowledge as possible because that was her role here, medic and her losing her memories also mean't forgetting her medical training. She noticed how out of place she looked compared to everyone else. The Marines were all taller, broader, more muscular even the other women. Her body was different smaller, softer she stood out like a sore thumb. And with the few interaction she has had with some of the men in this room, this was not a good thing. Their leers and stares made her shiver in discomfort.
"Do we have a mission yet?" Corporal Wainfleet asked, she sat up straighter, their purpose here had been a mystery to her. Other than the language lesson she knew little of the world of Pandora.
"We do. Our mission is to hunt down and kill the leader of the Na'vi insurgency--Jake Sully." Colonel Quaritch spat out the name, hatred deep in his voice. A photo appeared of a Na'vi hybrid like them, hair in thick dreads riding a banshee a huge rifle in his hand, teeth bared, he clad in war paint and only a loincloth. He looked ferocious, fearless, confident. She lingered on his face a bit, she wasn't sure why. Soléne was confused at the Colonels phrasing, Na'vi insurgency? Was this not their planet? A million questions flowed into her mind, knowing that in her short time with the RDA that they did not like questions.
The briefing continued, standard safety information and what to expect when they arrived in Bridgehead City, Soléne found it very boring so she tuned most of it out, still muling over the man the group had been sent here to kill.
"Our squad as our very own Doctor, Soléne come up." She jumped at the mention of her name, the Colonel extending his arm indicting he wanted to step up, she stood ignoring the wolf whistle's as she walked down the aisle.
"This here is our Doc, give her a hand." The room clapped and cheered, Soléne flushed purple hating the attention and the Colonel's hands on her shoulders.
"Have a seat up front for me sugar." He whispered motioning to the empty seat next to Z-Dog. She nodded following his direction, grateful to not be next to one of the men.
"We arrive in an hour, get ready to go to hell." He laughed darkly turning to gaze at the plant they approached.
No safety briefing could have prepared Soléne for what she to experience on this beautiful world. The gut wrenching guilt and horror she felt at what humans were doing on this planet. Originally was to stay at Bridgehead for more training that was until the first mission for the Recons ended with several causalities after an encounter with Jake Sully and his wife. Soléne kept her thoughts to herself, but she was confused as to why Colonel Quaritch was so appalled by, did he assume that kidnapping Jake Sully's children would end in any other way? She was glad that the kids got away for the most part. The feral looking boy currently jailed was the Colonel's son, she had a hard time seeing the resemblance. She winced at how he would throw himself against the door, straight up leaving to throw up her breakfast at the torture they attempted to inflict. It was so wrong, and that boy was human, imagine what they would do to the natives?
"You wanna give it a shot? You've been hovering since we brought him in." Quaritch spoke, looking a bit defeated at his son's rejection which surprised her, she hadn't seen any other emotion from him other than pride and hatred.
"Go on, maybe seeing a pretty thing like you will get him to talk, or eat at least." He tugged her inside and closed the first door leaving her in the small hall. She keyed herself in, Spider sat curled up in a corner, he looked up and hissed at her. The food was by her feet untouched.
She picked up the tray carrying it to the bed and sat, still a good distance from him.
"Hey, my names Soléne." She smiled but he hissed again.
"I'm really sorry you're here. I know it's scary and painful, but you should eat. It's not poisoned or anything." She took a puff from her mask and small bite of the sandwich. She put it down on the floor sliding it closer, he made no motion to grab it.
"I'm not here to ask you about Jake Sully or anything, maybe I can just keep you company for a while. I'd tell you about myself but I honestly only know my name and that I'm here to be a medic for the Colonel's team." She rambled unclipping her long hair. He looked up again and did not hiss, which was progress.
"Can I tell you a secret? I feel awful about what's going on here, even worse that a version of me signed up for it even if I don't remember why." She confessed softly, hoping no one was listening on the other side. "I mean my job is to patch these guys up so they can keep-"
"Trying to destroy the planet?" He finished scoffing slightly.
"Mmm." She agreed leaning her head down on her soft thighs, her face to Spider smiling.
"I'm a pretty big loser, a coward too, I wish I was brave like you." She mused, despite everything the General, Colonel, and scientists were throwing at him, he hadn't given anything away.
He smiled ever so slightly, stopping himself, "Yeah, what's in this?"
"Honestly no idea, cheese and meat? It's good though." He took a bite, his first in two days. "Tastes like shit, this isn't real food." Despite that he took another bite.They didn't speak again but he cleared his plate she took it with her, surprised that the Colonel was by the door, arms crossed leaning against the wall. He moved to take the empty plate from her. His smile sent a shiver down her spine.
"Thank you princess." I didn't do it for you she so badly wanted to respond but instead she nodded walking off and ignoring how his gaze lingered on her figure.
The next time she saw Spider was her first felid assignment, she was beyond nervous hands shaking as she braided her long hair into two dutch braids allowing her queue to be in the middle. She felt ridiculous in the uniform, cargo pants and a tucked in black turtle neck with combat boots. It all felt like it clashed horribly with her azure complexion. Her pack had been packed and repacked, it was heavy and filled with all kinds of trauma medical equipment and medication. She was beyond surprised to see Spider out being guided to the Samson by the Colonel, even more surprised when he nodded at her. She smiled softly moving a little hoping he'd sit next to her, unlucky for her Weinfleet took that spot, draping his arm behind her.
"Hey kid, she's pretty hot right, way hotter than the natives." Spider scoffed and ignored him, attempting to grab a door gun before his father forced him to sit.
"There's a tracker in this mask, so you run--I'l have you back in two minutes and then whip your ass old school understood." Spider registers it, but says nothing. Quaritch signals to the pilot and the ground drops away. She manages to get Weinfleet off her and she marvels at the world at had seen so little of. It was so vast, large and endless, green, blue, purple, pink every color made up the plants, mountains, clouds and animals.
"You should see your face." Spider snickered and she joined him.
That was the last time she laughed, what followed was mass murder and destruction of innocent Na'vi. She was beyond confused when Spider taught the squad about the culture, language and customs of the Na'vi. Showing them how to claim Ikran (she didn't even attempt that, afraid of falling off the mountain already without a giant banshee trying to kill her).
She screamed in horror and begged them to stop when the ruthlessly destoryed ocean village after ocean village in pursuit of Jake Sully. Which is why once the Tulkun slammed into the ship she felt genuine relief for the first time, when her body flew plunging into the ocean below it felt like the first thing to make sense since she woke up in this body. At least she was able to see the battle tip in favor of the Na'vi, and she prayed they would win, that they would avenge all the innocent Na'vi and Tulkuns that suffered. This was her punishment, maybe even dealt by Eywa's own hand, she deserves this, back in forest she treated cuts and bruises, stitched up cuts that allowed for the violence to continue. She was spineless, Spider had more courage than her despite him being 17, she had seen him escape his captors fighting for his freedom. Meanwhile she was an empty shell, hallow with nothing to fight for, laying down and allowing violence in the name of capitalist interest.
Blood soaked the water, some her own, most of it from the fallen Na'vi and humans. Soléne watched eclipse from her submerged position, reaching out her hand as if to stop planet that orbited Pandora from meeting. She could swim, get to surface, live. But what would she live for? If the Na'vi found her they'd kill her, if the RDA did they'd ship her back to Bridgehead re-assign her, or maybe dispose of her too. Wainfleet and Quaritch were the only other Recons left, or maybe it was just her if Jake Sully succeeded in killing him. She hoped he would, he deserved to win, he was fighting for the right thing. For family, for Eywa, for the Na'vi. She coughed water filling her lungs quickly, the surface getting farther and farther, she hoped that dying like this meant she could someway meet Eywa, be held by her, she couldn't remember her own mother's embrace so it'd be her first.
Not yet child
And then she was coughing violently on the surface holding onto the exposed rocky shore. Soléne turned around, looking around quickly and uncontrollable. Was she dead? No. But she had not swam, but she decided to die. She-
A weak moan stopped her spiral, she looked across the shore a body, deep blue like hers dressed in traditional clothing, blood poured from his chest, bullet wound. Soléne pulled herself to shore, running to the body. This was Jake Sully's son, she did not know his name but she had seen his photo. The eldest, a powerful warrior, his father's right hand. She collapsed knees first one hand on the crown of this head the other to his chest where the bullet had pierced him. She pressed deeply onto it and used the hand at his head to grab her pack, a weight that she had once used to sink. This kit now had purpose it would save someone worth saving for the first time.