Chapter Text
“If you’re not going to take this seriously, then just–”
“I’m upside down, how much more serious do you want?”
It was bad enough that Azuma insisted on coming to his physical therapy sessions. Either he didn’t trust Haru to show up or take them seriously, but he was always there. In all flavors, ranging from being passive in a corner on his phone to riling Haru up when he was being difficult.
It was even worse that Rin was acting as a stand-in this week. His coach was currently off in Osaka, securing an endorsement with Mizuno.
Really, Haru should be grateful. He wasn’t in any state to swim professionally, and yet companies still wanted him plastered over their products. Which meant money that didn’t come from his parents, which meant–
“C’mon! Your torso rotations aren’t going to do themselves. Left, and hold.”
–Haru had asked for Makoto to be the stand in during his sessions. But Haru and Azuma both knew Makoto would either be too passive and minorly chiding. Or Haru would find a way to weasel his way out of it. So Rin Matsuoka was put in charge.
And that’s when Haru’s misery began.
His physical therapy started at 9:30 and Rin’s car was in front of his apartment at 8:45 sharp. The little lady next door smiled thinly when Haru came out, locking his door through the horn blaring at him to hurry up.
“He’s an impatient one, isn’t he?”
If only she knew.
It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Sure, Rin was loud and dramatic and boisterous and…a plethora of other things. But his stubborn determination to help Haru get back into top form was clearly at the top of his mind. Almost more than his own goal.
When Rin drove Haru to his parent’s place in Hokkaido after their gold win in Fukuoka, he reiterated that need for their shared dream. The one that went back all the way to a night under the stars (even if Haru hadn’t agreed to anything all the way back then…). And Rin boldly declared that he would do anything to help Haru get back into form to do it.
“It’s our dream. What’s the point if you’re not there?”
The intensity in which Rin looked at him twisted something in Haru. And all he could do was shift his gaze back out the window, with a short response.
“If you say so…”
“Haru. Right side.”
“I’m going.”
Haru grit out, pulling himself back into reality, as he began to slowly move his torso to the right. It wasn’t without a little difficulty, but once he pushed past the minor discomfort, he held the position. He stretched one arm above his head, while the other reached down underneath the inversion table to grip the bar.
“And hold.”
Haru inhaled softly, letting his eyes slip shut.
He heard his physical therapist laughing softly. He could almost imagine the back of her hand pressed against her mouth.
“Nanase-san really is better with you around, Matsuoka-san.”
And Haru could hear the grin in Rin’s tone.
“Who do you think was the one who got him to apply to Hidaka in the first place? Team Japan’s hopeful would just be mackerel boy without me around!”
Haru pursed his lips, letting one eye slide open to toss a glare over his shoulder at him.
“So without me you’d still just be sad sharkboy, right?”
“Haru!”
He resumed the position without another word.
–
At two hours, Fridays were always his longest sessions. Monday and Wednesdays were shorter, but only because the exercises were a little more intense. And Haru wanted some more before the weekend. He could do more, but he knew Azuma wouldn’t hear it.
“Okay Nanase-san. Let’s have you do ten hip abductions. Sidelying, and 3 sets of each. Sound good?”
“Yeah.”
Haru laid on his side on the table. The inversion torso rotation was quickly followed by single leg stances. He slowly raised his leg up, and pointed his toes forward. Not without a little wince though. Rin sat in the chair next to him, elbow on the table and chin in hand.
Haru tried to not to look at him while he went through his reps. Every now and again it hurt. But no pain, no gain right? He finished the first set, and began to rest for a moment before starting the next.
“That was nine.”
Haru rolled his eyes.
“It was ten. You give it a try, and remember counting.”
Rin grinned, and looked over towards Eiko who was taking a phone call. Haru regretted even saying it, as he watched Rin lay on the table opposite him and begin to go through the same motions. All while making it look so incredibly easy, crimson eyes fixed on him.
“...nine…ten…See? Easy. When you come back to the fold, you really need to work on your land training, Nanase.”
Haru rolled his eyes again, and continued through his sets. When he was almost done with the last one, Eiko looked over at him from across her desk. She laughed, seeing Rin finishing up and hopping off the table.
“Three sets of bridging, and then you’re good for the day.”
Haru rolled over onto his back, bending his knees. This one was easy at least. He could just stare at the ceiling and raise himself off the table and hold.
Creating a bridge with your body was easy enough when you were banned from the water for an undetermined amount of time. So Haru pretended like he wasn’t even touching it.
He looked over at his companion, waiting for some smarmy commentary…but the room was entirely devoid of it. Haru blinked at Rin, as he turned around, suddenly very interested in his phone, the lines of his shoulder tense.
…huh.
Haru didn’t comment or make too much notice of it, all too happy to go through his sets without being criticized or one-upped. When he finished, he slowly pulled himself into a sitting position on the table. He rubbed the back of his neck, watching as Rin decided to grace him with his presence once more.
“Everything okay?” Haru looked at Rin stuffing his phone into his pocket with a huff.
“It’s fine. Just Mikhail bitching. I’ll take you home, and then I’ve got to get to practice, okay?”
Haru pushed himself off the table, grabbing his bag off of the window ledge.
“I can take the train home, it’s fine.”
“Like hell. Thanks Eiko! It’s been nice talking to you. Don’t let this grumpy guy get you down.”
She waved at them as she hung up the phone, and handed Haru a piece of paper. Standard protocol. Things to work on over the weekend, discharge for insurance and Azuma…she looked between them, and smiled.
“Likewise Matsuoka-san. Feel free to come anytime, Nanase-san seems more motivated with friends around.”
Rin grinned at her. “I-Is that so! Well, we’ll see. I can’t take too much time off work or practice right now.”
“Good luck with everything, then. Enjoy your weekend, Nanase-san.”
“Thank you. You too.”
She smiled, and Haru opened the door for Rin as they exited. Standing in front of the elevator, Haru reached forward to press the button. Rin was tapping his foot and Haru stared down at him. Rin seemed on edge about something, but Haru wasn’t sure what.
He seemed fine until–
“You’re going to put a hole in the floor.”
“Huh?” Rin blinked down at his foot, and made a noise, clearly forcing himself to stop. But he just seemed fidgety elsewhere. “Shit, sorry!”
Haru raised a brow. It wasn’t like Rin didn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve. Quite the opposite, in fact. But he seemed nervous or put out by something.
Well…he did take time off work to help Haru, right? Maybe he should–
“Rin. Come over tonight after practice.”
Rin looked over at Haru, like he had just grown two heads. Haru frowned, giving him a look.
“...what’s that look for?”
Rin shook his head, and the perplexed expression was replaced with a toothy grin.
“Y’know, most people would ask to do dinner first–”
Haru kicked Rin in the shin, and he yelped as the elevator door opened. Haru walked through it, and Rin trailed after him, a put out expression on his face.
“That’s what I’m doing. Come or don’t.”
Rin laughed, pressing the ground floor button and rubbing the back of his neck with a huff.
“Just teasing, chill. Fine, fine. Better not just be mackerel or I’m bringing something of my own.”
“It’s good if you know how to cook it.”
Rin glared over at Haru. “I can cook just fine. Don’t get cocky because you suddenly have a ton of time on your hands to make fancy shit.”
He felt…a little flush of heat. It sounded like a compliment…albeit a bit backhanded. Haru shifted his gaze to look over at the wall and huff. Rin just laughed.
“Don’t pout. I’ll be there.”
–
Ikuya had asked Haru to get coffee with him a little later in the day, which turned into running to the store for some things. All Haru had in his freezer was mackerel, but he wanted to make Rin something he actually liked.
He didn’t have to come pick him up for therapy, and keep checking in on him. And he especially didn’t need to torment him through each session. Azuma told Haru he wasn’t going to have any friends left if he kept up his attitude.
…rich coming from him, but.
Haru picked up a pack of thin sliced beef, and tossed it in his basket. Ikuya was looking at the pre-made foods a ways down, seemingly debating between his own dinner options. Haru felt a little guilty, and walked over towards him. He didn’t mean to be picking out food for someone else, while his friend weighed his own prepackaged dinner options.
“You can come too, if you want…”
Ikuya looked over at him, and laughed, picking a shrimp tempura bento for himself. “No, I’m fine. This is just easier for me. Natsuya wants me to look over a few things on his training regiment to make sure it’s right for everyone.”
Haru grabbed the bento from Ikuya, and put it in his own basket, ignoring his friend’s huff as they walked towards the checkout.
“He’s really leaning into this ‘team lead’ thing, isn’t he?”
Ikuya nodded, and took the items Haru scanned and put them into the tote they had brought.
“He just likes bossing us all around. Miyakawa doesn’t seem to mind the extra hands to wrangle everyone. I don’t think she’s used to such a rowdy bunch.”
Haru nodded, scanning his card through the terminal. Team Japan was certainly…a group. It came with the territory of most of the younger ones all knowing one another. Haru could tell it put some of the senior athletes on edge. But some of them enjoyed teasing the fresh meat too. It was all in good fun.
Natsuya was taking direction from all the coaches, as nobody could swim professionally forever–especially someone who liked his barley and hops like Natsuya did. He was the swim coach back in middle school after all, and Haru thought he did well enough at it. It would be a good career path for him to look forward to in the coming years.
“Well–you’re maybe the best behaved of us, but.” Ikuya slung the bag over his shoulder as Haru grabbed his receipt with a huff and walked next to him.
“If you count passing out at an international tournament behaving…”
“You’re the future of Team Japan.” Something about that unsettled Haru a little, but he ignored it as Ikuya continued. “I think they’ll go a little easy on you.”
“Yeah.”
Silence stretched out between them as they made their way back towards Haru’s apartment. Haru watched Ikuya tuck a piece of hair behind his ear, and sighed. He didn’t mean to–
“Still going into physiotherapy long term?”
Ikuya blinked over at him, and seemed equally grateful for the change of topic. He nodded, reaffirming his hold on the tote strap.
“I’m thinking about studying abroad for a semester between seasons.”
Haru’s look of surprise was, of course, minimal compared to any other normal person’s. But it was still present, and Ikuya still picked up on it. He smiled reassuringly.
“I just want to focus on my studies too. Swimming is great and all, but…”
He didn’t continue. And Haru didn’t need him to.
They all knew they had a short window as professional swimmers. Haru felt a little bile bubbling in the back of his throat. His endorsements were already enough to keep him comfortable for a very long time. But he was also very aware he was getting attention some of his other teammates weren’t, in that regard.
“I just have to prepare for the future.”
Ikuya pulled out his phone, and showed a picture to Haru. A beautiful building, the entire front made of glass, with multiple pillars in the front keeping the structure secure and clean.
“Semmelweis?” Haru pondered aloud. Ikuya looked surprised.
“T-That’s right! In Budapest. You’ve heard of it?”
Haru shrugged, pulling out his keyring as they drew closer to his home.
“I’ve always wanted to go to Hungary. The architecture is pretty. And the Danube…”
Ikuya rolled his eyes, laughing against the back of his hand.
“Yeah, I figured that was the real reason.”
Haru huffed as they made their way up the steps.
–
He thanked Ikuya for walking him back, and asked if he wanted to come inside. He said he would for a few minutes, while Haru got busy in the kitchen.
He got things to make Rin beef shigureni, and ginger pork belly with some garlic chives and eggplant on the side. He pulled a few things out of the fridge, mournfully staring at the mackerel he had gotten out to thaw sitting in there before shutting the door. It was fine, he could have it for breakfast tomorrow.
Ikuya draped across Haru’s couch, watching him cinch his apron and begin to prepare things.
“I heard you got an endorsement with Mizuno?”
Haru nodded, washing the chives in the sink.
“That’s incredible, Haru. Pretty soon Nike and Apple will be knocking down your door…”
“Stop.”
Ikuya laughed, taking the hint and changing the topic.
“How has physical therapy been going?”
Haru shrugged as he set the chives aside, going at cutting the eggplant.
“Fine. Boring. I might be able to start aquatic therapy in the heated pools there.”
Ikuya hummed, pulling out his phone. “Under supervision right? I can’t imagine Azuma letting you swim alone in a pool anytime soon.”
Haru huffed. “Fine, I’ll ask you or Rin.” Anything to get away from his coach being there during his sessions–
“Isn’t Rin leaving soon, though?”
Haru stiffened, just missing his finger with the knife. Wait. Leaving? Ikuya must have caught the way the knife cuts ceased, and Haru was quiet from the kitchen. He put his phone on the arm of the couch, awkwardly rubbing his hand.
“...did you not know?”
No. Haru wanted to say, but instead he just shrugged and tried to resume his pace. Though it was clear he was obviously off his game, the cuts on the vegetables became a little more jagged and uneven.
“Rin can do what he wants.”
It wasn’t an answer to Ikuya’s question.
–
Ikuya left a little while later, grabbing his bento and hugging Haru on his way out. Haru closed the door behind him, and leaned against it.
He tried not to let him bother him, but.
In the end you always just disappear.
Deep down, Haru knew that wasn’t what was happening. Rin was a professional athlete. There were training camps all over the globe, brand deals, endorsements, interviews, races…Rin had gotten a few modeling gigs in the time since they won gold on top of it.
…it suited someone who strutted around like a peacock.
Dimly, Haru thought back to the morning. Rin had seemed particularly jumpy when Haru was doing his bridging exercises, sticking his nose into his phone. But then hadn’t Rin told Eiko–
Just work and practice right?
The food was mostly ready by the time Ikuya left. Haru knew he stuck around a little longer out of guilt. It wasn’t his fault. Haru went to the bathroom, and splashed some water on his face after, trying to put it in the back of his mind.
“Yo, Haru!”
…but that apparently wasn’t going to happen now either.
He came out of the bathroom, wiping his wet hands on his apron. Rin was kicking off his shoes in the genkan and hopping up the step with a wave. His hair was still wet, so he must have come straight here from the pool. Haru nodded at him, as he went back into the kitchen and began plating things up.
“Sorry I’m a little late, Mikhail really chewed me out today. And Natsuya was parroting him and making it ten times worse!”
“You can sit over there.”
“Are you even listening??”
“Sorry, did you say something else?”
Rin bristled, and huffed as he collapsed on the chair in front of the table. Makoto and Rin had nagged at him to get a taller table with chairs so Haru wasn’t kneeling up and down too much. Haru hated how much of an eyesore it was but. It was better since so many of his friends came around nowadays to keep him company. And it was a nice space to draw on.
Haru moved some of the papers aside, gathering them up and taking them over to his desk. He must have missed one though, because Rin was holding it up with wide eyes.
“When are you going to draw me something?? Haru, this looks amazing!”
Haru shifted his gaze to the side. There was that heat in his face again. Rin was too loud and boisterous with his compliments.
“It’s nothing special. Just sketches.”
“‘Just sketches’ he says. Look, if Team Japan ends up dumping you, go show off to the National Art Center. You’ll be set for life–”
“Is that what you want for your going away present?”
Haru looked at Rin from the corner of his gaze, seeing him visibly stiffen. Those cheeks burned with some unsung embarrassment as he put the drawing down and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Look, I was going to tell you tonight.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, it’s fine. How hungry are–”
“Shut up! Let me finish.”
Haru was quiet, the retort dying on his tongue as he sourly piled all the food up. He didn’t know why this was bothering him so much. Dimly, he thought maybe Rin would deny it or just say he was going away for a week to visit Lori and Russell.
(am i not good enough anymore to visit them too?) Haru shoved the thought aside, cheeks burning in shame, slamming the fridge shut.
“Mikhail has to go to Sydney to take care of a few things. He invited me, so he could introduce me to a few people. Some of them are my sponsors so…I have to go, Haru. These people are paying me…”
“I said it was fine. Here.”
Haru tried to avert the subject, beginning to put plates of food on the table. But as he went to walk away, he felt cold fingers around his wrist.
“I…I just don’t want you thinking I’m running away again. That’s all.”
In the end you always just disappear.
Haru stiffened under the touch, but stopped. Maybe he was being the selfish one. Waiting another second longer to enjoy the feeling of Rin’s fingers on his skin. Still a little pruned from being in the pool all day, between work and practice–
“I don’t.”
Haru said simply, looking back at Rin before he shook his hand off his wrist. Rin looked taken aback for a moment, but it was gone a moment later. Replaced with a sigh, and him resting his chin on the table as he stared at everything Haru had made.
“Better not be mackerel you’re bringing over...I’m serious, I will order a pizza–”
“It’s not.” Haru put the beef and pork belly in front of him. At least that got Rin’s attention and he jerked up, wide eyed. Haru felt a little self conscious as Rin’s gaze ran over everything in front of him.
“You seriously made all this?”
“Yeah. Enjoy it.”
And so they began to dig in. Rin seemed happy enough with the food, while Haru was a bit more reserved with how he ate. It wasn’t bad, he had to admit. In fact, Rin seemed so happy he couldn’t stop lavishing Haru with praise for the meal.
“Haru, this is so good! Ugh, it’s not fair. You weren’t supposed to take that whole ‘making fancy shit’ thing literally. Screw restaurants, I’m coming here anytime I want to eat out.”
Which in turn just kept making Haru more and more flustered.
“It’s rude to invite yourself over like that. My neighbor already hates you.”
“She does not! She said hi to me when I came over here!”
But at least it kept him from sinking into the mean things he said to Rin that night.
…even if they were feeling more and more true, as the clock ticked on.
–
Haru was feeling a little tired after therapy, going out and standing in the kitchen all afternoon cooking on top of it. Rin shooed him off to the couch while he cleaned everything up, which Haru gratefully accepted.
He laid down, and let his head rest against the arm, sighing softly. There was some odd domesticity in it all. Rin had finished boxing everything up. Haru told him he could take it home with him. Him and Sousuke could make sure it didn’t go to waste.
It was quiet for a moment. Before Haru finally drank the liquid courage, and asked what he had wanted to all night.
“When are you leaving?”
Rin put one of the plates in the drying rack, grabbing another as he tossed a look over his shoulder.
“Two days. Not sure how long I’ll be gone yet. Might be a few weeks or months. But I’ll keep up with my training down there.”
“Ah.” Haru didn’t know what else to say.
“So, I’ll be ready when you’re back in the fold. Deal? I want to be the first person you swim against.” Rin’s voice was full of newfound determination, that boldness that was always present when the prospect of him and Haru in the water was close.
Haru picked at the end of his shirt, wishing he could feel the same. Some days it didn’t ever feel like he would get back in the pool. It had been months already. And sure, his medical team seemed to think he would be ready for water therapy soon. But everything else felt a long way off.
“About that Rin…I don’t know if that will happen.”
Rin whipped around, wide eyed. Haru met him with a serious look, smoothing down the fabric of his shirt. There was a look of fear in his friend’s eyes.
“Haru? You–”
“...I’ve actually been thinking about making my comeback in breast–”
Rin threw the sponge at him.
–
They sat on the couch for a while, mindlessly watching some tv. Rin offered to stay while Haru took a bath. Haru reminded him he didn’t need babysitting, and Rin reminded him that he could shove it.
Haru knew that Rin meant well in all his fussing and mother-henning. It was just in his nature to act with indignation towards it all, because he was still getting used to this. Getting fussed over. People being concerned for him–both his physical health and his future.
…growing up in an empty household didn't leave room to experience much of that, after all.
Rin nudged Haru’s thigh with his foot, and Haru instinctively pulled his knees up closer.
“Promise to take care of yourself while I’m gone?”
“I’ll be fine. Ikuya and Makoto come over nearly every day.”
“And don’t forget to lock your door. You’re a famous athlete and live in Tokyo now. Some creep is going to break in one of these nights.”
“Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll take me to a pool before he kills me.”
“...you’re fucking morbid, you know that?? What is wrong with you?”
“Where do you want to start?”
Rin laughed, and kicked at Haru’s leg again. But rested it on top of his shin after a moment, without pulling it away. Haru could feel the heat radiating through his pants.
But he focused on the sports program Rin was watching best he could.
–
“Have a good night, Haru. Remember what I said.”
“Mm. Have a safe flight.”
“I’ll sleep the whole time, it’s fine…”
“...Rin?”
“Huh? Ah, it’s nothing. Make sure to actually check your phone once in a while. Please? Thanks for the food. Remember to lock your door. And thanks for everything. Really Haru, I mean that.”
“I will. Bye, Rin.”
“See you!”
And just like that, Rin was gone again.
Haru lingered in front of his apartment, leaning over the railing as he watched Rin make his way back to his car. Rin looked up and waved towards him. Even in the dark, Haru could make out that toothy grin. He watched Rin load up the leftovers in his backseat, and climb into the drivers side.
He lingered there in the car for a moment. Knowing Rin he was trying to pick the perfect song to drive off to. Haru rested his chin on his hand, and after a while, the headlights turned on and Rin drove away.
And suddenly Haru’s parking spot was empty once more.
Haru stayed out there for a while. The air was beginning to turn crisp as the days turned colder. The neighborhood he lived in was quiet. Every once in a while he saw somebody passing by, but nothing unusual. One girl seemed to walk by twice, looking more than a little turned around. But she must have figured out where she was going because Haru didn’t see her again after that.
He pushed himself off the railing, and went back inside.
Haru sighed, as he closed the door behind him, pressing his back against it.
…it feels cold.
And he slid down the length of it, drawing his knees up towards himself. He pressed his forehead against his legs, inhaling a shuddering breath.
That voice–the one that started showing up this time last year–was dull. But it was there, echoing in the back of his head. It felt like it was mocking him.
Why didn’t he tell you sooner?
Haru shoved the thought aside. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. Rin had a life outside of swimming together. Haru just felt bitter because he wasn’t able to join him in Sydney this time. No, that wasn’t it either.
Swimming was all he had for so long.
It was hard to suddenly cope with not having that any longer. And watching all his friends set out for the pool without him.
Though, logically, Haru knew it was his own fault. He pushed himself too hard. And now, he was paying the price. His body hadn’t been able to handle the strain. And so he had to regain that trust and tenacity with his physique.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and dialed the first number that came up.
It rang twice before–
“Miss me already?”
Haru huffed. “As if.”
Rin laughed from the other line. Haru could hear him turn down his music. Some fabric rustled and then he could hear the sounds of the car much clearer. He wanted to tease Rin that he shouldn’t be driving and talking at the same time but.
Well.
He was the one that called, right?
After a moment of silence, Rin pressed on.
“Everything okay? Don’t tell me I left something there again, I swear to god–”
“Rin.”
Rin’s voice went quiet. Haru could hear him breathing. Haru was quiet for a minute, grateful that Rin allowed him the moment to gather his words.
“Good luck. We’ll swim together when you get back.”
Haru could hear how hard Rin was smiling through the phone, and it tugged at the corner of his mouth in turn. How could somebody be so warm and expressive it came through even just with the sound of their voice?
“Damn right, Haru. Wait for me! Ah, and don’t forget to lock up. Don’t wear that loosey-kun shirt everyday, you’re gonna put another hole in it… and make sure you’re not eating mackerel everyday. I’ll know! Ikuya will rat you out, y’know!”
“Ah sorry, you’re breaking up Rin.”
“You piece of shit Haru, you better not hang up on me.”
–
Haru put his phone on the small table next to the door, reaching up and behind himself to lock the door. A smile lingered on his face, that warmth that Rin always brought ever present as he hauled himself up off the floor.
The voice seemed a little quieter now. A barely there whisper.
It was late. He needed to go to bed. The last thing he needed was his three best friends conspiring to monitor his sleep of all things…
He pulled on a pair of sleep shorts, and his loosey-kun shirt from the closet. Haru crawled underneath the covers, and tried to fall into the lull of sleep.
It was restless, but eventually his eyes slipped shut and he fell into a fitless slumber.
–
Click…click…click…
…
Haru squinted through the dark of his room. There was an odd sound. One he couldn’t quite place. It almost sounded like somebody trying to turn the gas over on the stove. He pushed himself up, fumbling around his bedside table for his phone to see what time it was…until he remembered he left it next to the door.
He didn’t think he had been asleep for that long. Or at least it didn’t feel like he got any meaningful sleep. Really he needed to get an alarm clock. He had gotten used to not needing one much anymore, he always woke up at the same time everyday.
He reached the door, and went to pick up his phone, squinting at the time on the screen.
2:57AM.
…so much for a good night’s sleep. Haru was about to crawl back into bed, when he heard that noise again.
And he stiffened.
It was the handle of his front door.
…is somebody–
He didn’t move for a moment, clutching his phone in his hand. He watched the lever jostle two more times, before it was silent once more. Carefully, Haru inched over to the door, and looked through the peephole.
Nothing.
There was nobody out there, so Haru made his way back to his bed. He told himself somebody was just at the wrong place, and realized it a little too late. That was all.
But the unease swelled in him, and it took much longer for him to fall asleep the second time around.