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I am not the only traveler.
Levi hears the gunshots and the colossal titans’ march.
He goes outside his room and from a window, spots Hanji and the kids near the port.
She meets his gaze. I’m sorry.
For what, Hanji?
From their years together, he knows exactly what it means.
Wasting no time, Levi tries to run with his broken body, holding his ground and moving his feet, balance precarious. He trips once, face flat on the floor, but he can’t be stopped. His body is aching. Chest heaving. But he has to stop Hanji from doing something idiotic, whatever that was.
I’m not letting you go for any stupid reason. Whatever happens, we do it together.
“This is it everyone.”
He goes faster.
“It has been an honour to be your Commander.”
He crawls, runs, and hurries his way.
“Hanji, what are you saying? Don’t talk like that—“
Another trip. Levi grits his teeth. He has to reach her. Please, let her still be there.
“Don’t cry, guys! You’re going to make me cry. Oh, by the way! Levi is your subordinate now! Order him around as much as you want!”
Please take care of him.
He hears Hanji’s thoughts, so he must be getting closer. He has to reach her or he will regret it for the rest of his pathetic life.
“Bye everyone! It has been fun. Hanji Zoe, signing off.”
“Oi, four-eyes.”
There.
Levi walks slowly towards Hanji, finally in front of her. They usually communicate through their eye(s) or telepathically (as a joke), but if this is it, he wants to hear it from her.
“You feel it right?” Hanji is sweating, her hands on her thunder spears never still. He wants to hold her, reassure her, but she’s saying goodbye and— this isn't right. He refuses to believe it. He feels it yet he shakes his head. There must be some other way. There must be. Hanji needs to live, she deserves to live.
They still need to survive and go back to that forest and they still need to get married and Levi still needs to build a house for her and grow old and die together—
“Four-eyes—“
“That it’s my time to go,” Hanji never left his sights. She, too, refuses to look at the colossal titans behind her, her would-be murderers. Instead, she finds ease at the blue-gray of his irises.
“Shitty-glasses—”
“I want to go out as cool as possible,” Hanji interrupts, dread settling in, shaking. She looks so scared but brave. She’s always been brave and stubborn and unconventional and unpredictable and so stupidly heroic but that’s why his heart is hers. She is his sun and she completes him.
He tries again. “Hanji—”
She pleads, with her eye and mind and words, “So please, let me go.”
He can never refuse her, even at the face of death. His world is reeling but Hanji needs him. Levi has never been good with words. How can he comfort her and proclaim his love to her in the small time they have left, in a way only Hanji can understand?
Then he remembers the Survey Corps and the box in the depths of his closet. Of Hanji teaching him love and sacrifice. Of the countless stars in the sky that don’t compare to Hanji’s light. Of the words he couldn’t bring to speak.
He brings his remaining hand to her chest, where friend’s pledges are held, lovers give their vows and spouses wear their rings, praying she’ll understand.
“Dedicate your heart.” Levi declares with all the love that remains in his eye. I dedicate my heart to you. I love you. Carry me wherever you go.
Hanji shines with unfallen tears. It had reached her. She brings her lips together and stops shaking. Hanji’s arms wrap around him, enveloping his stiff frame. They memorize each other's shape, Levi’s face buried in her hair. No, he never wants to let go. How is he supposed to live without her? His abnormal half?
They stay like that for a few seconds, always never enough, until Hanji releases him, or else he wouldn’t.
“This isn’t goodbye,” Hanji glances briefly at her back, estimating the time they have left. She smiles and breathes, “We’ll meet again, Levi. In another life.”
He manages a painful smile. For her. “I’ll be waiting for you. Then we’ll get married.”
Levi imagines. They get married by the beach, with everyone they love and admire. Levi holds her and never lets go. He builds her a house by the forest where they rested, and have the life they could ever want and deserve.
With her bright and soft eye, reserved only for him, Hanji envisions it too. She gives him a manic grin, giddy despite the dread and looming death, a confirmation, a promise that this isn’t the end.
She gives a quick, chaste kiss, and steadies herself for the inevitable. There is ash in the air, the sky is orange, she is about to die and yet with her hair whipping around her face, her cloak fluttering madly like invisible wings, face hard and determined staring down giants the size of the earth like the makings of legends, Levi only thinks that Hanji’s still the most beautiful person he has ever seen.
Hanji Zoe zips her gear and runs to soar the sky. Levi can’t bear to watch. He knows that makes him a coward, but he couldn't. The air carries her and wraps around him, her laughter the last thing he will ever hear from her lips.
“Hah! That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that!”
Fully aware that the next words are a lie, that there will be no next time, Levi whispers it anyway. To the wind, that will hopefully bring it back to her. To the stars, that bore witness to his broken oaths. To his heart that she had taken with her on their final parting.
“See you later, Hanji…
Keep watching over us.”
Who has not repaid his debt.
“Anyways Pieck, I feel like I should ride you again.” Hanji blabbers confidently, “I want to feel the heat of your body against mine—“
“Can you stop?” Pieck says with exasperation and a hint of something —affection? “When did you become so weird? How we lost against you is beyond me.”
As Pieck walks away with Hanji standing there, Levi chooses to speak, “Another love for a Titan unrequited, I see.”
Your feelings aren’t unrequited with me. I’m sorry about the forest.
“...We’ll get friendly in no time.” Hanji succeeds with deciphering his meaning yet fails in understanding his apology. Levi groans. Typical Hanji.
“Look,” Levi steels himself, “I’m s-”
“Hey Levi,” She stares into the far distance, and for once he cannot hear her thoughts. He scrambles, but all that comes back to him is static. “Do you think our comrades will look at us with pride? Do you think they’ll be proud of us?”
Panicking, Levi comes forward and hugs her from behind, as if they’re back in the river. “Shut up. You’re starting to sound like him.”
Hanji chuckles emptily, “It’s always about Erwin with you.”
“No, no, four-eyes,” She takes off his arms and when she’s about to leave, he pleads. “That’s not it. Don’t say that. The last time someone said that, they died.”
She stops. “I can’t promise I won’t die, Levi. But I always question if I’m doing the right thing, if my decisions would kill lives or save some. I’m tired, I’m so tired. I wonder if we would be in this position if Erwin or Moblit was here. If Mike or Nanaba would have made better commanders. Instead, they got me.”
Hanji gazes longingly, and to no one in particular. “Maybe Armin should’ve been Commander.”
Levi stands in shock. Has she always felt this way? He knows she blames herself, but—
“Shitty-glasses, are you blind? The only reason we got this far is because of you, no one is better suited to be Commander than you.”
“I led the Survey Corps into death, betrayals and genocide,” She says bitterly. “No matter how hard I tried. It didn’t matter.”
“Hanji…I saw you struggle. You did your fucking best. This situation is out of our control.”
“I should have known better, done better.” Hanji runs a hand through her hair, unconvinced. In a second, she becomes her cheery fake self. “Oh well! I need to check on the kids, who knows what they’ll do without me.”
She runs, and Hanji is once again out of reach.
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow,
Again
Once they’re about to leave for the port, Levi grabs Hanji’s sleeve.
“Don’t go,” He begs. “Stay. I won’t be able to protect you out there.”
The other members of the alliance have gone ahead, leaving the two of them.
“The last time I checked, I single-handedly killed all the Yeagerists while you lied your ass,” She brings a finger to her mouth.
“I’m serious Hanji. The kids are more than capable, heck even those fucking traitors too. They need you. How can we stop that idiot if you die here?”
“True. But I created this. I have to go through with it,” Hanji’s eye downcast. “Isn’t it cowardly if the leader stays out of the first battle? As Commander, I always have to make the first sacrifice.”
Levi purses his lips. “But you’re not Commander anymore. The Survey Corps is dead. Floch made sure of that. You’re just shitty-glasses now.”
Hanji points at him determinedly. “You’re wrong, Levi, I’m still the Commander of the Survey Corps. And the Survey Corps is still here, in you, in the kids, in me. It’ll never die as long as one of us lives.”
He tch’ed. She’s always believed in the Survey Corps spiel more than anyone.
Hanji kisses his cheek and whispers, “I’ll come back, I promise.”
Levi watches her leave, cursing his broken body. He has never been strong enough for his loved ones. For his mother, Kenny, Isabel, Farlan, Erwin and his and Hanji’s squad. They always leave, no matter how hard he tries to stop them.
But Hanji can’t be caged. She is a bird, and when she soars Levi’s heart sings.
He watches her glide through the wind, killing Yeagerists— their men— with every move. She rolls and flips in a way that is reminiscent of him (she did learn and watched from him) and slashes her blades in their necks. His heart leaps when bullets and men run to her yet it never does. Hanji’s on the roof filled with dead bodies like that time in the forest, and all of a sudden it’s over.
(He hopes this is the last time he lets her go.)
Hanji helps a steaming Pieck on the boat, and grins to Levi.
“Told you I’d come back, didn’t I? I’ll never leave your side, shorty. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Pieck lets go of her shoulder in disgust. “For the love of Ymir— get a room.”
Oh, take me back to the night we met
“Maybe we should just live here together, right, Levi?”
Hanji talks to herself, or so she thinks, for Levi has been listening and feeling all this time, dreaming of soft caresses and drowning in the dark.
Recently, of worn down paths and a life of peace with Hanji.
She’s been tired and weary, from what he heard from her stories. The Yeagerists, Eren, Shadis, Zackley, the wine, Sasha (oh Sasha, how they miss her) Levi wounded and now the Rumbling. Not sleeping and eating. As if there wasn’t enough on her plate. All heavy on her as their leader.
When Eren summoned them from Paths, she threw her mallet in a nearby tree and dropped to the ground.
“Don’t tell me...Eren, the world, Levi!!”
Her worry overtakes her, and Levi holds her as she breaks down, screaming and crying as if she had been burned alive. Their time in the forest was the first time they ate and slept properly since Liberio, when she felt better she continued working on something only she could see. Hanji works diligently and without fail when her heart is set on it. Knowing her, she’ll want to stop this, too.
And Levi Ackerman goes where Hanji Zoe goes.
It comes as a thunderbolt when Hanji suggests it, voicing what they have been dreaming all this time yet never mentioning out of fear of what will happen. They were soldiers first, and humans second.
Yet when they were the only ones left alive, it's easy to forget they have a duty to humanity.
“You must be full of regret...” Hanji notes when he mentioned Zeke and their dead comrades by his hands. Levi realizes too late it is wrong to talk about the enemy he failed to kill to someone convinced they are a failure and nobody loves them. “But for now,”
Hanji’s at her lowest point and he doesn't know what to do except agree with her.
But deep inside, he knows, even in their idyllic life, she won’t be happy.
Hanji doesn’t need his proclamation of undying love, she needs someone to convince her that she is capable, that she is herself. That she is a fighter of the impossible that won’t settle for anything, a survivor of the unsurvivable. What better person is there than Levi at giving her the encouragement and the push to do what she needs to do?
Even if they will die in the process.
“What’s left...if we run and hide like this?”
There is an easy answer to that.
Each other.
Hanji turns away and blushes. “Oh, so you heard me talking to myself…”
But Hanji already has her answer, too.
“What are you building?...Are you going to pull me with that thing?”
His beloved is silent, taking it as rejection. So Levi touches her cheeks and brings her head towards his eye. What he can’t say in words Levi hopes he can show in his actions.
“I know you, Hanji.” Levi responds softly, “You won’t be happy being kept in the dark.”
Hanji smiles bitterly. “You’re right, I can’t.”
She bumps their heads together, their noses touching, her brown the dim sun of Levi’s universe. “You know me so well, don’t you?”
I love you.
Instead — “I’ve been stuck with you for so long, it’s embarrassing if I didn’t at this point, shitty-glasses.”
“You loved it.”
“I didn’t.”
She rolls her eyes and returns to her work. “Sure thing, short stack.” And babbles about her plans, getting gear, building an alliance, killing Zeke, and stopping the Rumbling.
Levi sleeps through it, but even in his dreams, she is there. He wakes up at night with Hanji sleeping by his side in the grass. He gazes at her, glasses off and at rest, and kisses her forehead. He gently pulls her in the makeshift bed, puts his blanket over her and embraces her, her head at the crook of his neck.
“I’ll build you a house,” Levi promises, the stars and galaxies as their witnesses, “Right here. We’ll get married by the beach. We’ll stop that idiot together, no matter what it takes. Then we’ll finally live.”
They’ll be reluctant heroes tomorrow, but tonight, the moment is theirs.
Levi embraces her tighter.
“Thank you Levi,” Hanji mumbles, half-awake. “For everything.”
“No, thank you.” Levi kisses her hair. Tonight, they’re not Commander Hanji Zoe and Captain Levi of the Survey Corps.
“Thank you for saving me.”
They are just two people who love each other.
And then I can tell myself
They are drowning, their capes and hair fluttering in the water. The current takes them, but ignoring the pulling waves, Hanji holds him close as they slowly descend. The cold freezes them to the bones as their skin turns blue. Bubbles and fishes swim around them, it would be beautiful if only their lungs weren't burning. Levi loses consciousness, but he never lets go. Just the two of them as always.
They are washed away to the riverbeds. Hanji is the first to awaken. She coughs and spits out the water, then immediately crawls to him, dripping wet, rain dripping from her face like tears.
“Wake...wake up, Levi.” Her throat scratches. “Wake up.” She leans to hear his heartbeat. Levi is not breathing.
“I said WAKE UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” She tries to resuscitate him with her palms. The sky is dim and his face full of blood. “You can’t, you can’t leave me Levi, I can’t do this on my own, Levi, please wake up,”
“I can’t lose you too,” Hanji continues to press his chest after a minute and after more nothing, she panics and shrieks, “Humanity’s Strongest, MY ASS! You’re not dying on me, you asshole! Levi WAKE UP! Please, wake up!”
“Live, Levi, live, fight for me.”
When it doesn’t work, Hanji brings her lips to his and breathes air on his lungs herself.
“Live, Levi, live, live.”
Hanji tries again, but to no avail. She's about to shatter when—
Levi finally breaths. He sputters and coughs out water, Hanji at his side. She widens her eyes.
“Four-eyes, shitty-glasses,” Levi spoke raggedly, yet he can’t bear the expression on Hanji’s face.
“Glad you’re here.”
Hanji finally cries, the rain and river washing them away.
What the hell I’m supposed to do
“Commander Hanji, please don’t move around on your own!”
“Someone’s there!”
“Hey! Are you still alive?”
He recognizes her miles away.
He didn’t want their reunion to be like this. It’s been so long. But the last thing he will ever see with his right eye is Hanji’s concerned face. Levi wanted to touch her, but he couldn’t. Then darkness. Rain continues to stream.
Hanji holds him with so much care as if she might break him.
A twitch. Sorry, I killed the soldiers you sent me.
Eye wide in alarm. Levi? You're alive?!
Another. Don’t shout in my head.
This time, she darts around. Stop moving. Stay still. We need to escape. I have a plan.
“We should shoot him in the head— “ He recognizes Floch, then that voice. Was that Oliver? Levi trained him once. Hanji saved their lives, especially fucking Floch in Shiganshina when the gloomy brat was ready to gut him. Those pieces of shits, they betrayed Hanji didn’t they. They still have the gall to call her Commander? He’s gonna kill them. Oh Wall Rose, Maria and Sina, Levi’s going to murder them.
“He’s dead.”
Hanji fights for his life. She stays so still and solemn, he almost believes that he himself is dead.
“I can also feel his pulse.” Floch demands, “Let me take a look at him.”
Levi feels Hanji’s famous glare, her anger simmering. What bothers him is why they still call her Commander. Why did Floch even ask her? Why can’t Floch just move her aside? Or is there still a sliver of respect for Hanji in that pit they call heart?
Is it enough to keep her alive after she relented their location?
If he dies today, at least he took that damn Zeke with him. Hanji will be safe from him at least. He finally took his revenge.
“Mr. Zeke, what happened?”
No no no no no no. How is the motherfucker NOT DEAD?
His finger moves. Four-eyes, you need to leave. He can control you. LEAVE ME.
Hanji clutches him tighter. I’m not leaving you, Levi. I didn’t drink the wine.
Damn imperceptible movement, he needs to shout: They can MAKE you drink it, dumbass! Go NOW!
She readies herself to jump in the river. Levi witnesses her expression of fear turning into resolve. They will not kill him and they will not catch her alive.
When she was about to, Zeke notices her, butt naked. “Is that your Commander Zoe?”
Floch answers him, like the little slave that he is. “Yes, she led us here. Mr. Zeke, what happened?”
“Wait. I need to talk to her.”
When Zeke was about to approach them, they take a leap of faith.
And then I can tell myself
“I bet you’re not popular with women. You simply don’t understand feelings and emotions.”
Levi thinks of all the women that chased him and his growing loneliness. One month without Hanji.
“I was popular once.”
Zeke closes his book, interested.
“Oh, you mean Commander Zoe?”
“No.” Hanji never chased him, he chased her, “Shut your mouth.”
He does not. “Hanji, was it? I understand your affection for her. She’s brilliant, a strategist, an engineer, a researcher, she’s your inventor too right? And she discovered about Titans more than Marley even with your puny technology, so a Titan scientist to boot. Well, not as genius as me, but close enough, I guess. She’s not conventionally pretty in a good way, because I always liked the — “
“For fuck’s sake, no one cares.” Levi tries to be nonchalant, but Zeke’s words are starting to grate him. The soldiers gather around, finally entertained by something more than wine. There were always rumours surrounding the two: the Captain being cold to everyone yet soft towards their Commander.
Zeke takes this as an opportunity to humiliate his rival.
“I also understand why she may like you, well like everyone else, because of your strength, Humanity’s Strongest. But what I don’t get is why you like her.”
Zeke observes honestly, not one to comprehend friendship and love. Levi had asked about her each resupply.
Is Hanji alright? Did you get to talk with her? The volunteers can’t be trusted, tell her only Mikasa, Connie, Jean and Armin can accompany her. She needs to stay safe, she might be next after Zackley.
If it was purely sexual, why did he care?
“Well, it’s obviously not the looks, I mean, the Ackerman girl is right there.” Some of his men nod.
Levi stands up. “Don’t talk about the Commander like that. You have no fucking right, Monkey.”
“Oh, so you find her beautiful? Why are you so affected?”
“Because she’s the Commander. Our. Commander. Just because she looks like a woman does not give us the right to discuss her appearance.”
“Right, soldiers?” Levi adds, a hint of a threat. The scouts that agreed nod in shame.
“Yes, Captain. We apologize.” And they dismiss themselves, leaving the two men alone.
“What do you see in her? What do you need from her?” Zeke asks out loud. Levi is stunned. “Her intelligence? Her ingenuity?”
Levi stalks towards him.
Zeke does not notice. Enlightenment crosses his face, as if he realized something.“Oh. You love her for her—“
Levi grabs Zeke’s dress shirt, “Say one more fucking word, and I will stab four thunder spears up your ass. You lost. Get over it. Don’t bring the Commander in your pathetic delusions.”
“I’m not the delusional one, Levi.” Zeke smirks. “You are, to think you have time.”
Then he shouts.
That’s how Levi finds himself killing his comrades. Damn it. Zeke blindsided them, talking about Hanji and making them drink the wine.
Oh no. Hanji.
Why had he been so obvious?!
He needs to finish this, now.
As he runs after him, the Beast Titan echoes.
“I will kill everyone you love, Levi, starting with her! Go on, run after me! And I will make sure I turn her into a Titan next! Let’s see if you can kill Hanji Zoe!”
He can’t, but Levi does not stop. Levi will stop him before he goes that far.
Besides all that grandstanding, he can smell Zeke’s fear. Levi will make it reality.
The Beast Titan already killed his comrades, Erwin, Mike, Nanaba. Levi will not let Hanji become next.
Levi turns Zeke into minced meat even when he begs for life. What next? He needs to get to Hanji. Decide what to do with this filthy traitor, keep her safe. Maybe even let her eat him.
Levi’s last thought is of Hanji before everything explodes.
Not to ride along with you.
Despite their fight the other night, before Levi leaves Hanji comes to send him off.
“Take care, make sure not to underestimate Zeke. He’s dangerous, he can’t be trusted,” Hanji warns. “I just know something’s going on between him and Eren.”
“Oi, you better take care too, shitty-glasses.” Levi tch’ed. He continues fussing over her collar, finding any excuse to hold on a little longer. “Eren’s an asshole. You have to be careful with him.”
“There’s no way he’ll hurt me. We go way back.”
“So did Sasha.” They both grow silent, and Levi regrets his words. He remembers but doesn't dare broach the topic. “I’m sorry. Are you going to her funeral?”
Hanji sighs wearily and repentantly. “I can’t. I need to figure out what’s happening. Her family probably blames me too.”
“Hey hey,” He lays a hand on her shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault. And Sasha was important to us, they know that.”
“I loved her. She was like a daughter to me. And I can’t even attend her funeral, I’m so horrible.”
“That’s not true and you know it, four-eyes.” Levi closes the space between them, and Hanji rests her head on his shoulder. “You’re figuring out why she died. She won’t be mad at you.”
“She was good.”
“Yeah. She was.”
Hanji lets go and wraps his cloak. There are no goodbye’s between them, for they know they’ll meet again.
“See you later, Levi.” She waves.
“See you. Hanji.”
I had all and then most of you
Levi later dreams of the night Sasha died.
They come home to the office, not even bothering to turn on the lights. Hanji turns on a lamp with her lighter. He closes the door behind him.
They sit in uncomfortable silence. Rain and the occasional lightning lights their surroundings.
It's only broken when her heavy-handed movements shuffle around the drawers. He does not know what it is until he sees the small spark of orange flame.
"Really, four eyes." Levi scowls. "Smoking? I thought you quit that years ago."
"Now is the perfect time more than ever to revive it." Hanji answers off-kilter. She takes a long, deep breath, and exhales the drawn-out smoke. He waves off the smell of tobacco in the air.
"Those shit kill you. We call them death sticks for a reason."
"We're all going to die anyways," She retorts back. "What's a few more steps to the grave?"
"Don't say that. Not tonight." When the loss was too fresh.
"Do you know what Sasha's survival rate was?" Hanji interrupts him.
"What?"
"Her survival rate. I calculated each and everyone of our soldiers based on previous records. Even yours." Her hard tone surprises him. "Do you want to know what it was?"
He sighs. "Han—"
"86.5%." Her eyes are bright red and puffy. There are drawn out shadows above her cheeks. She takes another long breath. "All the deaths tonight were accurately predicted. Except hers."
What the fuck does he say to that. "Hanji, that's fucked up."
"She wasn't supposed to die." Hanji stubbornly presses onward. "She was our best sniper. She worked off-field for a reason. She was — she was a long distance fighter, she didn't need to be on the front lines. According to every data we had, she was supposed to survive. But that kid —"
She inhales as if even that was too tiring. "I'm sick of this. I'm…" Hanji grinds the worn out cigarette under her foot and starts to light a new one.
He cannot take it. This cycle of self-sabotage. "Stop that, or you'll —"
"Or what? I'll die?" She challenges. "Oh yes, I dream of it."
"Stop it, Hanji." He raises his voice. "Don't say shit like that."
"It's basically a given. I'm as good as dead." She says nonchalantly. "This whole incident just dropped my survival rate to zero. Fucking zero, Levi. Either Zeke, Eren, his followers or Marley will kill me. Everyone before me has died in office and they didn't even have a war on their hands. I've grown complacent, I actually thought we had a chance, but if Sasha— Sasha! can die, then for me it's just a matter of when."
"What if you're wrong?" Levi shakes. "You're not her. We're going to make it. You just have to buy us more time."
"Time?" She scoffs and starts pacing around the room, until her eye lands on him. "Time? We don't HAVE TIME! We were supposed to have more time but we don't! We were supposed to have more time with her and with him and for us and —"
Hanji throws her hands in the air. Lightning flashes. She is wild and manic and desperate.
"What am I to you?"
His breath hitches. "What?"
"What am I to you?" Hanji stares dead at him.
"You're…" He struggles to find the words. "You're you. You're four eyes. My four eyes."
"Really," She mocks and laughs. The storm rages outside. "Is that the best you can do?"
"You know I'm not good with — what is this about, Hanji?" He demands. "What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me?! No, what's wrong with you!" She screams. The wind howls outside. Lightning runs and illuminates the sharp contours of her face. "How can you not feel it? It must be nice, being Humanity's Strongest soldier, but not everyone is blessed with your genes or Titan forsaken shifter! We are human and fragile and once we die there is no coming back! You might not but I feel it! The inevitability of my death, of how I'm running out of time! Of how we are running out of time!"
He wants to hold her, but she is in the eye of the storm. No, Hanji is the storm. The air around her is electrifying with unreleased tension. One wrong move and Levi feels like a bomb will explode. Rain continues its heavy onslaught. Thunder cracks and lightning blinds them. In the middle of it all is her and the hurricane growing in her chest.
"We're not," He tries to calm her. Growing up, he knows words that curse and wound and break, not ones that comfort and assure. Levi has missed the lesson on their use. "We're going to be alright—"
"You know what bothers me?" She leans back on her desk, her voice quiet and quivering. "It's not the dying part. I've come to terms with it, a long time ago. But you— the idea of leaving you behind, when I promised I'd wait, but I don't think I can keep that promise any longer. Don't you feel it? I am going to die, Levi. It's inevitable at this point. But I don't want to blink and find out I've lost another moment without you in it! I'm not ready! I'm not ready for all of this to be over!"
Hanji's cinnamon eye meet his, pleading. "So tell me, tell me what I mean to you. I can go through with this, just — just tell me, who I am to you? Your friend? Partner? Your Commander? Someone who just happened to survived the longest? Someone to pass the time? To find solace with? Tell me, please. I need to know."
"You know what you mean to me," Levi insists softly. How does he tell her she means the world to him? "That day on the wall, I told you."
"Do I? Do I really?" Hanji asks hysterically. She is back to her pacing as she starts gripping her hair. Thunder booms in the distance.
"Because six fucking years, and not ONCE did you tell me you loved me!"
"You know I can't!" Levi defends and wrings his hands. "I show it to you in other ways, and you promised you'd wait! So why don't you fucking survive till then!"
Hanji drops to the floor. "Don't you get it?! I don't. have. time! I can't wait anymore! How long must I wait, Levi Ackerman?! When I'm on the verge of death?! The moment before I die? Or will you only tell me when I'm already dead?! Ten years we've been together and you still can't, because duty above everything else right?! Not once did you choose me —"
She stands up abruptly and paces around. He cannot take his eyes off her.
"You're not just anyone to me, four eyes, you're —" Levi tries. Why is it so much harder than killing a horde of man-eating monsters? Why can't he pull it out of himself, no matter how much he tried? "You're… worth more than that. More than anything this shitty world can offer."
"Prove it."
"What?"
"Say it." Hanji gazes at him directly in the eyes. Her gaze is unrelenting, her heart open for all the world to see. "Say it. Tell me you love me. Because I do. I love you. No matter what the world throws at us. Even if I die, it will never change. Tell me you feel the same, that you feel the same way I feel. That I mean to you as much as you mean to me. That when the time comes, I can die knowing that I loved someone and he loved me back."
"Please." Hanji Zoe never begged, at least until now.
Three words, that's all it takes.
Three simple words.
"I…"
Levi feels it, he knows he does. He has felt it before, but with them it's different. It's a flower that keeps blooming in his heart, watered by her smiles and warmth.
It's there.
It exists…
…but he just can't admit it, to her or even to himself in the middle of the night,
Because if he does, he'll also have to face the inevitable loss and grief that comes with love.
If that happens, Levi's not sure he can continue being Humanity's Strongest soldier the world needs him to be.
He stays silent for a very long time.
They are in the middle of the war and so it should be forgivable that he cannot, does not say he loves Hanji. There is no time for sentimentality besides, but the real reason he does not say it is because the storm frightens him.
And that is not forgivable.
Levi never forgives himself for his silence.
Hanji looks like Levi took her heart and broke it, shattered it into a million pieces, ground it underneath his boot, and threw it in the fire to be eaten away by the cinders.
Lightning flashes. In that split second, Levi saw the consequences of his decision: her contorted expression, the pools forming in her eye, the glossiness of her wet cheeks.
The rain outside has calmed. Cigarette forgotten, she turns her back on him as if she was waiting for him to stab her, her body wracked with sobs.
Isn't that what he just did?
"Until now, you— you can't—" Hanji brings her hands to her mouth, whispering shakily, like someone teetering at the edge of their sanity. It stings that this time, Levi is the cause of her unending well of hurt. "Not even for me."
She starts sniffling. He had never seen her like this. She never cried so achingly, not even during Shiganshina. He must be the worst man alive.
"Hanji," He starts going towards her. "I'm sorry—"
There are three knocks on the door. They freeze.
"Hanji-san?" Armin peaks in. "Premier Zachary is calling us for a —um, am I interrupting something?"
Hanji wipes her nose and face before she turns to the men behind her.
"No," As she composes herself, she stares at Levi. He cannot read her mind. At first, he thought he saw contempt, weariness, or anger, but what belies it all is— sadness; overwhelming sadness.
And painful acceptance.
"We're done here."
Hanji walks past him unceremoniously and leaves. She does not look back. Armin gives a small salute before he too, disappears and closes the door, leaving him alone.
They never mention it again.
Some and now none of you.
Sasha’s dead?
Hanji looks on with a broken expression, shaking. Levi feels numb. Yet they scan each other anyways, reminding themselves they are both still alive.
Take me back to the night we met,
Levi walks in her office and closes the door slowly.
Hanji’s working at the dead of night, making the final preparations for Liberio’s attack with deadly precision. Improved thunder spears, working airship, functional uniforms.
“Everything needs to be perfect. Everything relies on me, this has to go right, or else our men’s lives will be lost,” Hanji repeats to him like how she repeats it to herself, “It’s all on me Levi. What was that idiot thinking, making us worry?”
“Forget about him. I’ll kick him when I see him.”
The lamp’s light reflects on her haunted face, illuminating her pursed lips and intense fiery eye. Levi doesn’t know if she's batshit crazy or a fucking genius.
What he does know is that she is his and he is hers. And one day, they’ll have a family of their own to worry about, instead of the lives of thousands of soldiers.
So he takes Hanji in his arms while she works, hugging her from the back, reassuring her. Her hands land on his. It is warm and full of calluses.
“I’m here. I’m with you, always.”
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
It’s raining when Hanji says —
“Do you think we’ll live long enough to have children?”
Levi, like the stars, watches her dream. “I don’t know… What made you say that?”
Hanji spends more time in her office than in her room. No matter how Levi scrubs, it’s never clean enough. Perhaps mess lives in her, and he wonders how he came to love Hanji when they’re total opposites.
She shrugs and lies her head on the books, reports, plans and ideas that clutter her desk, “I just thought about it. What Zeke said today, it sounds kind of promising.”
Levi could grab a chair, but he’d rather stay standing beside her. “You can’t trust that Monkey, Hanji. He could be plotting to kill us.”
“I know, I’m not that stupid. I wish I can kill him in his sleep,” She yawns, “But I can’t. His double-crossing is what’s saving us from Marley. I’m not worried because I know he’ll double-cross us sooner or later, the real pain in the ass are the higher-up’s and MP’s.”
Hanji rolls her remaining eyeball. “They always expect me to know everything. When I offer solutions they don’t listen. But when something goes wrong it’s my fault. I’m tired, Levi. So tired. I’m not paid enough for this.”
He massages her shoulders and she relaxes, “I know four-eyes, I know. Do you need me to beat the shit out of someone again? Tell me who it was, fuck it, I can even take on all of them.”
“Where are the days where we can solve conflicts with violence and just threaten to throw them over the wall? Thanks for the offer, though. I lost something, perhaps my spirit? My passion?”
Levi frowns. She doesn’t smile as much or wave her hands excitedly anymore. He doesn’t like it.
When was the last time someone saw her as Hanji instead of Commander?
“You’re making less and less sense. But you’re still four-eyes or shitty-glasses, whichever you prefer. So, countryside?”
She turns around and faces him. “Or the beach? Not with the port, though. Do you think Erwin will forgive me if I become the first Commander to retire?”
The Captain snorts, “Not like he can do anything about it. If we do retire, what will the children call you? Father or Mother?”
“Neither. Or both, I haven’t thought about it yet, but you, you’re really thinking this through.” Hanji chides.
Levi blushes. “Shut up. I was just going along with you. Let’s survive today first, then think about forever later, four-eyes.”
“How am I gonna survive with all this paperwork?” The papers around her rustle. “You go on ahead, I’ll finish this.”
“It’s 4 AM, we have a meeting at 6. You need to rest or you’re going to die of sleep deprivation.”
When Hanji doesn’t answer him and continues to write on her paper, unlike the last time and the nights before that, Levi doesn’t let her. Ignoring her protests, he carries her to her room and sets her down gently. Hanji accepts the forced break and snuggles up on their blankets in the empty castle while rain continues to pour.
Levi joins her on the bed and as they face each other, Hanji shuffles.
He rests his hand on her cheek. "Hanji, go back to sleep, it’s too early, you need to rest."
She mumbles instead. "Thank you, Levi."
“No, thank you.” He kisses her forehead. “See you in the morning.”
“See you.”
Levi falls asleep to the rhythm of her breathing and turns off the lamp.
Haunted by the ghost of you.
“If they don’t understand who we are, we just have to show them! If we don’t understand something, we just have to go there! Isn’t that what the Survey Corps is for?”
With Hanji’s optimism and unwavering spirit, Levi falls in love with her all over again.
Marry me
, he wanted to say, but instead he mentions Erwin, because of course he does. Stupid Ackerbond. Why wasn't he bonded to Hanji instead?
Marley is in its golden age. Booming technology, population, wars and capitalism.
The kids may call it amazing, but with shit in the streets and the poor in the Eldian shoulder bands, it’s obvious what’s the reason for the empire’s success.
Hanji observes it all with awe, already forming plans and deconstructing the technology in her mind. Marley and Eldia’s engineers may be innovative, but they don’t compare to Hanji’s talent of invention.
When the kid obviously steals, Levi saves him.
“Softy.”
“Shut up.”
When the conference left everyone heartbroken, Hanji suggests a photograph.
“That sounds stupid.” Eren grumbles.
“Hey!” Hanji protests. Eren droops at the sight of Levi’s glare. “This is a once in a lifetime thing! Can you believe it, we’ll be the first Paradis citizens to have a photograph! Plus, I need to see how it works.” Hanji giggles.
“Not too loud, shitty-glasses. You’re going to give us away.” After the kids, Levi, and Hanji take a photograph, Hanji lets them go.
“Thank you so much!!” Sasha waves as she walks away with the boy they saved. “We’ll be back, I promise!”
“Be careful! Jean, you’re in charge!”
“I got them, Commander!” And they disappear out of the photo booth.
“Those your children?” The Eldian managing the studio asks.
“I—“
“Yes,” Hanji answers confidently, “They're beautiful aren’t they?” Ignoring the fact that Jean, Connie, and Armin have different hair colors.
“You know,” the photographer says out of the blue. “You kind of look like the new Commander of the island devils. They say they have an eyepatch.”
As Levi panics, Hanji scratches their chin thoughtfully. “They also say she’s a genius.”
Levi kicks her foot, and she laughs.
“Smile, Levi.”
And then the snap of the camera.
“I think I’ll keep this in my office.” Hanji pockets the rest of the photographs in her coat. Levi finds himself tracing their faces. He’s used to memorizing Hanji’s face, not keeping a remembrance of it.
“This is ugly.” Hanji side-eyes him with an expression of, ‘how dare you?’
“It doesn’t compare to you.”
Hanji guffaws. “You are an incurable romantic.”
When they reach the kids, all drunk and asleep, Onyankopon groans. “You guys are terrible parents.”
Levi is thankful for the excuse to kick him. He’s too close to Hanji recently.
Oh, take me back to the night we met
The sea was more than they ever dreamed of.
They stand there, dumbfounded. The sea softly doused the beach, waves crawling into the shore. The ocean was the master of its dormant strength and the wind was ever-present, harmoniously forging its own song. The saltiness of the ocean doused their senses and corals (what he only saw in Hanji’s forbidden textbooks) and other creatures littered the sand.
And yet, with the children’s excitement, what is the sea against Hanji, a force of nature on her own made of flesh and bones, glowing with hope and defiant joy?
They stayed the night on their new discovery. When the night came, the full moon making the waters glitter, they came out, Hanji’s hand in his.
They sit on the sugary-white sand, and watch the tides ebb and loll, the horizon stretching into infinity.
“Congratulations, Commander, You brought the Survey Corps to the sea.”
Hanji snorts in an unlady-like manner. “Should’ve killed all those Titans sooner.”
They linger in comfortable silence.
Hanji stares at him in a way no one ever did, “You’re beautiful. I love you.”
I love you too
. Instead, Levi looks away as he reddens.
Peals of laughter came from her. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it back.”
“I want to.” Levi never felt so lacking. He wasn’t deprived of care, so why? Why can’t he say three simple words to the woman that he loves with all his heart? It’s the only thing he blames his mother for.
“It’s alright,” She eases her head on his shoulder, and they snuggle closer. His grip on her hand tightened.
“We have forever.”
When the night was full of terrors,
“I knew I’d find you here.”
Hanji glances up from her sitting position on the graves with puffy eyes and a mournful expression. The skies gave them a hurling thunderstorm that destroyed everything in its path. With the wind as harsh as ever and the rain hindering their movements, they had to halt the expedition.
Levi has been searching for Hanji everywhere. She’s not in the barracks, in her office, her room, his room, in the castle and not with Eren or the kids either. So there must be only one place Hanji must be.
She eyes him for a second and goes back to burying her face in her arms. Thunder roars. Levi has never seen Hanji so depressed, he doesn’t know what to do.
The veterans would. They know Hanji the best, and have known her longer. But they’re all gone.
Hanji has only got Levi now, and he would not leave her.
Levi has never been good with words, the world loves to remind him when she needs him the most. Hanji doesn’t even need him, the strong person that she was, but even the sturdiest trees are bent by storms.
What a storm this was. Erwin, Moblit and all their comrade’s deaths. Hanji being Commander, a job that she hates yet excels at. The knowledge of their enemies beyond the walls.
Instead of saying anything, Levi moves closer and shades Hanji with his umbrella from the rain.
You’re not alone. I’m here. I’ll cover you.
Hanji seems to sob harder, trembling. She finally speaks, “It’s my fault, Levi. If they were here they — they would have done better. Be more careful.”
He kneels before her, “Hanji, it wasn’t your fault. He chose to save you. He knew that.”
“Another soldier died because of me, and for what? For that stupid Titan executioner? What was I thinking?” Her laugh is empty, voice husky from crying, “When will it end? If I just — if I had my other eye, if I can adjust — they already see me as useless. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough, I wish I died that day. I wish it was me.”
She holds her head in her hands, “Oh god, I wish it was me. Why wasn’t it me? I’m useless like this.”
“Shitty-glasses, you don’t mean that. Moblit saved you. That’s why you lost your eye, remember?”
“I wish he didn’t.” She laughs against the rain. “I wish he saved himself. Why did he sacrifice his life for me? Erwin too. He shouldn’t have gone and killed himself.”
Levi winces at the words. Hanji stares at an empty space, gaze glassy, embracing the wind and the pain.
Her tears come back, and her voice softens, “I’m sorry. I, I miss them. I miss them so much.”
Levi takes her in his arms as she sobs, “I know, I know. I...I miss them too.”
He stole a glimpse at the inscription Hanji did herself.
Moblit Berner, a loyal scout and beloved friend.
They have lost a lot, in this half-empty graveyard filled with their friends and family. It’s been a year since Shiganshina. Levi has not forgotten.
He closes his lids with scrunched eyebrows, “We’ll figure it out. You’ll learn how to fight with one eye. You’re fucking amazing and once we’re done with those goddamned Titans, we’ll kill those assholes outside that made our life hell too. That soldier died for you for a reason, so did Moblit. We’ve only gotten this far because of you, you got that?”
Another realization, what his mother always told him.
“No one is ever truly gone, dear Levi,”
His mother’s voice touches his mind. “They’re always watching.”
He looks Hanji in the eye. “And they’re not gone, do you feel it, Erwin and Moblit and the rest watching us?”
She nods, and clings tighter.
“We can do it, Hanji."
Levi reciprocates, the umbrella shielding them from the storm.
They have lost so much but they can overcome everything life throws at them —
“As long as we have each other.”
And your eyes were filled with tears
“Hanji!”
It was one of the worst days of Levi’s life. Levi was worried, too worried about Hanji that he did not see the incoming rocks from that fucking monkey. The explosion took him by surprise, and with their promise of no goodbyes and only see you’s, he’s coming to regret it.
What was that explosion just now? Were Hanji and the others able to get out of the way? Let them be okay, please. I need to get over there —
Then his comrades who were only eating and partying last night were reduced to splatters on the ground, hit by a barrage of rocks. Jumping over their corpses ignites something in Levi. He grits his teeth.
Whoever you are, I’ll fucking kill you. I swear it, I swear it on my mother’s grave.
For Nanaba, Mike. For Erwin and the recruits.
Something died in him when Erwin left, screaming like a true hero who chose to trust in his strength. So he kills the Titans one by one in indescribable lust for vengeance, and fulfills his duty. Inside of the Beast Titan is a blonde bearded monkey of a man. He lays witness to his fear, until he is snatched away.
Dammit. Levi has failed. Except Erwin is alive, barely hanging on. Perhaps all hope is not lost. Mikasa chooses to disobey orders. The events were a series of terrible — he can almost catch a glimpse of the future, of Floch getting killed by Mikasa. They don't need more deaths!
“Stop!”
Until —
“Hanji!”
Levi has never been as relieved. No goggles, no Moblit, missing eye, bandaged, worse for wear yet alive. He could almost burst into tears. God has answered him for the first time. He does not have to lose more today.
Hanji is alright, she’s alive.
He didn’t know what came over him, choosing Armin. Perhaps because Erwin was a monster, and sacrificing himself was the last of his humanity. Perhaps Levi is selfish and he wanted him to rest.
Hanji does not say anything, does not even look at him. When they bury him in an untouched house and cover him with a white cloth, she finally speaks, only one word.
“Why?”
His shame lands him on the ground. He can't meet her gaze. “I don’t know.”
“He was our Commander, Levi, more than that, he was a friend. Our friend. Why would you choose Armin over him?”
“He wasn’t a friend, he was a devil. He ordered men to die. What kind of person does that? He wanted to rest, so I gave it to him.”
“The kind of person I’ll become.” She snaps and glares at him, Erwin’s dead body looming over them. “You gave him what he wanted, but when did we care about what we want? He did what he had to do. And now, so will I. I will order men to die. I will order you to die. Now everything relies on me to lead the charge and always make the first sacrifice. Is that what you wanted, for me to become a monster like him?”
Levi cannot move. He always thought Hanji would be an amazing Commander, that’s why he gave the serum to Erwin— knowing they’ll be alright. He did not think of her feelings. “No — I, I didn’t think of it like that, dammit! I was...respecting his wishes.”
She shakes her head. “No, you chose him over me. Over humanity. It’s always about Erwin with you.”
Levi is speechless. He cannot explain the bond he feels for Erwin, the undying loyalty he has dedicated to their friend. According to Kenny, it’s an Ackerman thing. Except he has never identified as an Ackerman until recently. He had no surname, so in his official forms he had always written Zoe.
Or maybe, that little traitorous thing thought in his head, maybe he let Erwin die so he can give all of himself to Hanji. As long as Erwin is alive, Levi can never fully love someone other than him.
Or maybe he is trying to rationalize why he let their Commander die. He knows the real reason but he could not betray Erwin's image and real agenda to anyone. Not even to her. He needs to explain something to his beloved, who has lost so much. But in the end, he couldn’t.
“I’m sorry.” He offers.
She wipes her face tiredly, and slumps on the floor beside the bed. They need to go before it starts to smell, but he can give her at least this small moment of reprieve. He slouches beside her, and moves her head gently on his shoulder.
“Erwin is dead, Moblit’s dead, I lost my eye, there are 200 corpses from here to there that used to be our comrades. The Armoured Titan and the monkey got away and that stupid abnormal Titan almost killed me. Oh, I’m the new Commander now and I have to deal with whatever we find in that basement! What do we do, Levi? What do we do?”
Levi wishes he can wash all of Hanji’s worry and grief away, and tell her that he loves her, he’ll protect her, that she’ll never be a monster like Erwin, and that history will never forget them. Instead, he says,
“What we always do. Live, survive, and don’t die.”
“Will we? We won’t survive this war, Levi.” Hanji closes her eyes— no, eye. “Or at least, I won’t. You will being Humanity’s Strongest and all. But we’ll lose something in exchange, we won’t return whole. Or we won’t return at all.”
“We will, shitty-glasses.” He declares determinedly. “We have to. We still have a life we have yet to live. I’ll kill Death itself if he takes you.”
She snorts. It calms her. “Softy.”
“Shut up.”
“I love you, Levi.” Hanji doesn’t expect it, but she says it anyway. “I’m glad you survived.”
“Me too.” He admits, the closest thing they’ll have to I love you’s. “I’m so...relieved you’re okay. We have to thank Moblit.”
He hears sniffling. “He deserved better.”
They rest for a while in a mountain of corpses. The calm before the storm. Then they leave Erwin together, holding hands, ready for the inevitable.
Just the two of them as always.
When you had not touched me yet
When Hanji falls, Levi feels his anger explode.
Anger at Kenny the Ripper, at his uncle for leaving him, for leaving his mother, for killing Hanji’s squad, for allowing his minion to hurt the stay of his heart.
He can’t take her too.
When it’s all over and they get out of the castle, Levi volunteers to hunt them down.
(He does. Nothing is left of his uncle, not that blonde asshole and not his life. Tiny revenge, but justice all the same. Kenny hits him in the chest with a serum of sorts, a last act of love between mortal enemies and the monster he created. In another life things could have been different. But they all leave it unsaid, and Kenny takes it to the grave).
“Not yet,” Erwin replies and Levi scowls. “We need to attend to the wounded. We need to deal with Rod Reiss. Levi, what do you propose?”
“Isn’t that your job? I need to go to four-eyes.” Before Erwin can order him once more, Levi leaves and backs his horse up to the cart where Hanji is lying. Her eyes are watery from the pain, from the blood loss, glasses are off but she’s still thinking, like she always does.
“Four-eyes, stop talking or you’ll be dead even before we get you to the medics.” I’m worried. Are you okay? Where does it hurt?
Hanji tries to laugh, but it only comes out as a wince. “I’m fine, shorty. It feels like an ant bite! Haahhaha. Ha — ouch,” She grabs her shoulder. It hurts like a bitch, I feel faint, He reads.
Levi makes up his mind. “Arlert, Yeager, Lenz, get out.”
The cart stops. Eren and Armin glance at each other and shrug. They wouldn't want to get in between Captain Levi and his orders. They remember the castle he made them clean once and both of them shudder as they leave.
“C’mon Armin, let’s ride with Mikasa or something.”
Not knowing any better, Historia stays rooted in her seat.
Levi glares at her. “Did I fucking stutter or should I call you princess for you to leave?”
“But — all the other carts are full.”
“Then walk.”
“I’m the queen!”
“Says who? You look like a little brat to me.”
“Guys,” Hanji says exasperatedly.
“Who are you to order me around?” Historia retorts.
“Your mom. Will you get the fuck out or do I drag you myself?” Levi challenges back.
They glare at each other.
“Sorry for this Historia, you can ride with Sasha if you want. It's only for a second, we’re almost there anyways.” Hanji offers.
“Only because you asked nicely, Squad Leader Hanji.” Historia moves to leave, not relenting her glare. “I hope you’re feeling better.”
“Thank you, Historia.”
Once Historia leaves, it’s just the two of them.
“What are you doing, Berner? Get moving!”
“Sorry, Captain!”
The cart starts moving again. Levi gets the bandages he got from Erwin. He presses his handkerchief in her tear stained eyes and starts wrapping her shoulder gently, not speaking a word.
“You’re too mean.” Hanji scolds him. She softens, “You didn’t have to go here, I would have survived.”
“You weren’t okay, and those kids are a nuisance— that blonde brat especially.” Levi focuses on the task— tying it without hurting her. “You’re bleeding and no one bothered to bandage you. You got hit by a fucking grappling hook shitty-glasses, take care of yourself more.”
“But how would I see you protective over me if I do?” When she sees his scowl, she grins. "My bad. I don’t mean that. Besides, how could I have dodged that midair?”
“You couldn’t have. Sorry,” Levi gazes down apologetically. “For my uncle. He killed your squad and now he could have gotten you. Sorry.”
“Levi? It’s not your fault you’re related.” She pats her hand on his. “Besides, we got our revenge. For Nifa, Keiji, Abel. For Pastor Nick. Lucky them, they get to escape from this hellhole. I wonder where they are.”
“Oi, I forbid you from going after them. Not yet, you hear me? Not for a long, long time.”
“Hah! I can’t promise that. But we will survive this, Levi. I still need to see the world, all of it. With you.”
“Of course.” His gaze lands on her shoulder. “It’s gonna scar.”
“Well, add it to the collection. They’re just marks of the life I’ve lived.”
Once they reach the barracks, Levi lets go of her hand as they carry her to the medic bay. Erwin appears beside him.
“You’re going to need to let her go someday. You’re a soldier, Levi. You have a duty.” Erwin lets him down tenderly.
“I wish I wasn’t,” Levi looks up to the sky. Mother, Farlan, Isabel, Petra, Eld, Gunther, Oluo. Mike and Nanaba. Recently. Hanji’s squad. Are they watching? Is it unfair to feel this after all their sacrifices?
“I wish we can run away.”
Oh, take me back to the night we met
While the kids are celebrating because of Erwin and Hanji’s victory (let’s admit it, he did jackshit), Levi goes beside her, wondering how to make the words come out of his mouth.
“I’m sorry,” He apologizes genuinely. He loved them too. Their squads were usually stationed together, and by time they became close, Petra was Nifa’s best friend and Abel and Keiji were like brothers to Eld, Jin and Oluo. It’s through their actions and matchmaking skills that made Levi confess in the first place. None of it compares to their relationship with their Squad Leader, whom they worshipped the ground she walked on. He's glad Moblit stayed behind or he could have ended up dead too. He knows he can never make up for it— Hanji entrusted them to him, and he failed yet again. Only this time, not to the female Titan, but to someone he knew personally.
“I killed the three you lent me.” Hanji only gives him the most bittersweet smile and sad expression. Levi would kowtow before her to earn her forgiveness, but it wouldn’t help. The charming petite girl with bright green eyes, a man with goggles and deadly precision, and the person that inherited Hanji’s anger and fire are still dead. Hanji may not say it, but he and she knows, deep in her heart, she blames him for their deaths.
“Take care of her, Captain.” Nifa once whispered to his ear, her soft voice still ringing in his mind. “Keep her safe and happy.”
I promise,
Levi pledged. He won’t let them down, not again. This time, he adds —
Watch me.
I had all then most of you
“Nanaba’s dead.” Hanji mentions numbly. “So is the rest of her squad. I didn’t make it in time. We now know who killed Mike. It’s that wallfucking Titan.”
Levi sits down beside her. They set her in a tent, her burns devastating after taking the brunt of the steam for her squad. Typical Hanji. No self-preservation whatsoever. He bets it’s not even a word in her massive vocabulary. Still, Nanaba. The best chef in the Corps, a veteran, Hanji’s best friend and the sweetest person Levi has known next to his mother. Gone, just like that. Nanaba, who gives the best advice and smells the best. Amazing Nanaba, due to be Squad Leader. Nanaba, who died in the worst way possible outnumbered to one defending the Colossal and Armored Titan. After Mike, they lose her too. They never knew what happened to Mike. Nanaba was seeking answers alongside the four of them, and all they’ve learned is that he was dead after finding his gear near the forest. Tall, gentle, protective Mike. He hopes the both of them are in a better world, with no wars and atrocities.
“How did you know?”
“It’s only a feeling, but Mike was torn apart, the blood splatters confirm it. Why would a mindless Titan tear him apart instead of eating him? It’s that intelligent one.” Hanji glares at the top of her tent. “I know it, I’m gonna murder him, Levi.”
He sighs. “I’ll do it for you. You should rest, the medics said so.”
“How could I rest? There’s so many things to do. Eren, Ragako, and I can’t even take part in any of it.” She grumbles. “Is Pastor Nick safe?”
Levi rolls his eyes. She seems to be more concerned about that stupid priest than him. “Yes. Still won’t talk. I need to go, shitty-glasses. Need to get that brat back.”
“Make sure you get him back, short ass. Stay safe. Oh, give me my jacket.”
He takes off the jacket and places it on her like a blanket. Then he walks away, and looks back as she snuggles into slumber.
“I’ll come back for you.” Levi promises.
Hanji nods with a yawn. “I’ll be waiting, see you later, Levi.”
“See you.”
Some and now none of you
Levi did not feel a thing when he saw Petra, Eld, Gunther and Oluo’s dead bodies.
He did not feel anything when they threw Petra’s dead body out of the cart because some stupid emotional asshole cannot follow orders.
He did not feel anything when their families came to him, or when Petra’s father came to him proudly and showed him a letter, of how she was ready to devote all of herself to him.
(She already did, he wanted to scream. And what did that do for Petra? Not even a body to bury.)
No one has approached him. To lose one of the best squads in the Scouts in a day was catastrophic, but Levi hand picked them himself. He promised their families he would protect them. Eld was his right hand man and Gunther always defended him and Oluo admired him so much and Petra loved him in a way he can’t reciprocate and it’s just like that day when he lost Isabel and Farlan —
He waits at their empty table. He feels numb and surreal. His tea is too hot but he drinks it as he shakes, an attempt at normalcy. It is only when Mike lays a hand on his shoulder and Nanaba hugs him when he is brought back to reality. Erwin says a bunch of platitudes of how their deaths were honorable, but Nifa shakes her head. Everyone leaves to give him privacy and Squad Hanji is the last to go, offering their condolences.
“Moblit,” His throat itches. Moblit halts as the others go ahead. “I haven’t seen Hanji.”
“She’s on the medbay,” He softly replies. “They made her stay. She’ll be back.”
Then he is alone.
So he waits.
And waits.
And waits.
And waits and waits and waits —
Levi crushes the teacup in his hands. His hands bleed with shards of glass, Petra would bandage him, Eld would get the broom, Oluo would give his cravat and Gunther would rush to get iodine, but they’re gone.
He stares at it until he hears the telltale sound of Hanji’s footsteps.
“Sorry Levi,” She wipes her forehead and takes off the cloth in her face, her apron full of medical supplies and dried blood, “We’re short on medics and with so much wounded they made me help — “
Hanji stops as she sees the shards of glass digging in Levi’s skin. “What have you done?”
He stares at her numbly as she hurries to his side. She sits down and starts taking off the glass with a plier she got from her apron. It must have hurt with the way Hanji winces, if only he felt anything.
Hanji doesn’t bother scolding him, focused on the task at hand. She then bandages his hand, and only then waves of regretmourninglonelinesspain come crashing down. Wordlessly, he places his forehead on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry Levi,” her voice cracks, crying for the both of them as she cradles his head. “I’m so so sorry.”
It’s only in the arms of Hanji when he allows himself to grieve.
Oh, take me back to the night we met
Levi is sick. Maybe it’s the way his heart flutters when she’s near, or maybe it’s his smiles in a weird, shitty way when she talks, or how his being focuses when she’s hurt. He’s not an idiot, unlike everyone wants to think. He knows these symptoms.
Unfortunately, he has fallen in love with one Hanji Zoe.
After months of being in denial, Levi has a plan, okay, he has a plan. They always loved watching the sunsets, and with enough maneuvering from Erwin, he had stationed Hanji’s squad in the walls for patrol.
(For some reason, Erwin disapproves.
“I support you Levi, as your superior and your friend, but I discourage you from this endeavor. I’ve been in your position before. May I remind you that we are soldiers in the Survey Corps: duty comes first and death is always imminent. This can only end in heartbreak.”
Levi ignores him, as usual.)
Mike gives him a thumbs up after the grand gestures he proposed, but Nanaba holds his hands and advices —
“She’ll love anything you give her, Levi. It only has to come from the heart.”
“I’ve never said the...Iloveyoubefore.” Levi admits.
Nanaba shrugs. “So? Hans has always been in actions, not in words. She’ll appreciate anything, as long as it comes from you.”
She winks at him. “Now go get her, tiger! What are you waiting for?”
Levi cringes and walks out of the barracks.
His squad is waiting for him in the wagon. How did his squad even know?! That Nanaba, she must have tattled! Eld drove on as they encouraged him.
“Go Captain Levi!” Petra smiles bitterly. “I support you!”
Even then, it feels genuine. “Thank you, Petra.”
“You got this, Captain. I’m sure she’ll say yes considering all the googley eyes you’ve been sending each other.” Gunther chuckles.
Fiddling with his cravat, Oluo adds. “Couldn’t you have chosen someone less weird?”
Levi glares as Petra slaps him. Oluo bites his tongue in the process.
“I— I mean! You’re both scary and strong and uh, you’re perfect! I mean perfect for each other!”
Eld tsk’s. “Pipe down guys, we’re almost here.”
They arrive at Wall Rose and Levi steps outside of the wagon. Eld stops him and shakes his hand. “Good luck, Captain. Whatever happens, we’ll support you.”
Levi thanks him and ignores the cheering coming from his squad of idiots. As he ascends the makeshift elevator, all of a sudden he feels the coming nervousness. What if she says no? What if she’s actually in love with Moblit, her loyal assistant, or Eren, since she can never shut up about him? Or Erwin, or heck, maybe Shadis?
He finally reaches the top of the wall. Hanji notices him and beams, waving him over as she dangles her legs on the wall. He almost waves back before he notices Hanji’s squad blocking his way.
“Captain, if you ever hurt Squad Leader,” Moblit warns as he cracks his knuckles.
“You may be Humanity’s Strongest, but we WILL find a way to get back at you.” Keiji crosses his arms.
“Like draining your tea supply!” Nifa drops cheerfully.
“Or mixing your white clothes with your colored clothes,” Abel fixes his goggles as it glints. “We support you, but you better not break her heart.”
“Uh, thanks?” Levi replies awkwardly. “Can I go now?”
They clear his path but before he can go his way, Nifa whispers something in his ear. He nods, and finally, finally, reaches Hanji, who continues dangling her legs by the wall. He sits beside her, chest beating out loud
He clears his throat. “Hanji, I — “
“Aren’t sunsets beautiful?” Hanji interrupts. “They tell a story. Where we’ve been, where we’re going, where we will be. The world keeps turning and it’s there, like it always is. No matter what happens, the sun rises again, and then it sets. It’s a constant in a world full of possibilities and unpredictability.”
“Yes,” Levi agrees, but he’s watching her instead. Her wonder, her kind hands, her caring and curious nature, the golden honey in her eyes when light hits it.
“Listen four-eyes,” Levi gathered his courage. “I have something to tell you — “
Instead of letting him continue, her hand lands on his. She holds it tight, and he reciprocates.
“I know, Levi.” She confirms softly, “I feel the same way. I know we can die anytime, I know today won’t last, but — I would like to be with you, if for the short time that we’re here.”
Hanji looks at him, and there’s a twinkle in her eye, and for once he can see the boundless love she has for him.
He doesn’t deserve it. “There’s many things I’m missing, Hanji. I’m not...whole. I’m too rough, we can’t have the normal type of shit other people have, and...I can’t say I love you, not even to you.”
Hanji just laughs, a ringing sound, and he would have slapped her if he didn’t remember he’s confessing to the person that he loves. “We make each other whole, dumbass. And that’s okay with me, I’ve never been normal anyways.”
Holding hands, Hanji leans and rests her head on his shoulder, still gazing at the sunset.
“Besides, I have enough ‘I love you’s’ for both of us, starting now.”
Hanji kisses his cheek, Levi burning with love and affection.
“I love you. I can wait for the time you can say that to me, so let me try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again — ”
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Levi watches Petra, Oluo and a certain someones’ horses as they enter the stables. From what he was told, they have come back from delivering the notebook to Ilse’s parents.
Petra and Oluo greet him with a wave and while he meets their eyes, he immediately looks away and scoffs. Oluo may be forgiving, while he is not. They are reckless and stupid and he doesn’t give a shit on how smart she is or claims to be, she put his squad and their own life in danger. That is something he cannot forgive.
Weeks go by with them ignoring each other. The following week, he later learns from Erwin that those shitty glasses actually managed to capture a Titan with zero casualties. Maybe she isn’t as dumb as he thinks, but still, he refuses to be anywhere near her.
“Must be hard working for someone like that.”
“What do you mean?” Moblit asks when they're both caught taking shelter from the rain.
“Well, when something interests Hanji enough,” Levi recalls the events of the past weeks and scowls. “Hanji will ignore everything else – including your life.”
“...I consider it my job to protect my squad leader at times like that.”
Of course he does. But he still can’t help but worry. “Yeah, it’s a job only you can do.”
Levi’s still angry, and he’s starting to realize it’s not because of Oluo.
“Huh?”
He sighs, avoiding the man’s gaze. “No matter how far back we go, it’s not like we’re stuck together all day long. You’re the only one who’s always by Hanji’s side, Moblit.”
Levi doesn’t fail to notice Moblit’s little smile. As he helps Moblit with the groceries —
(“I only hope they even notice you’re even there, Captain…”
“That’s easy enough to solve with a kick in the ass.”)
— they run into her in the lab, peering through a telescope and scribbling on something. She beams at them, and as Moblit sets things down, Hanji loops an arm around his.
“You owe me one,” He grumbles.
“I’m assuming you’re not mad at me anymore?”
“Whatever.” Levi looks away. “Just be more careful. You have the self preservation of a fucking toddler. Moblit and I won’t always be there to protect your dumb ass.”
“Aye aye, Captain.” She mocks a salute towards him and laughs. “Thank you for your help. Anyways, Moblit, I noticed something wrong with these calculations, the acceleration rate of this Titan’s disintegration doesn’t match our previous records…”
As he listens on to the two’s rambling, Levi doesn’t understand why he was so scared of losing her. Reeling from her touch and voice made him realize how much he missed them and their silly dynamic. He can’t imagine what life will be like without this familiarity, without this sense of home and belongingness. From time to time, Hanji looks up from her notebook and winks at him. It’s stupid and childish and he hates how it makes his chest pitter-patter like the rain drizzling outside.
In the end, Levi eases into the coziness, comfort and complacency her presence brings him. He's no longer alone. With that thought, Levi can't help but feel that everything is going to be alright as long as they have each other.
Haunted by the ghost of you
“You eat like a slob.”
“Excuse me?”
“Like a hog. Like a pig.”
“A hog is a type of pig.” She answered with her mouth full. Bits of half-chomped food escaping with every syllable. Gross…
“You deserve both.” Goosebumps crawled over his arms. Eugh.
“Okay?” She raises an eyebrow.
Hanji Zoe was a walking enigma. Though her appearance was only degraded by her hooked nose and long face, the real kicker was her cinnamon brown eyes glinting with passion. For Titans. And anything that caught her fancy (which includes him?) Scouts and newbies steered clear of her alike for that exact reason. They respected but feared her intelligence and natural curiosity. She was an outcast as much as he was, and he would've ignored her if he didn't watch Erwin Smith keep her at his side.
“Why.”
“What?”
“People died and you're feasting as if we reclaimed the wall.”
“Oh, right. You're new here.” Hanji gulps down her food and draws her arms dramatically wide. “Welcome to the Survey Corps! Where dying is the trend and the contrition rate is a 100%! You've officially survived your first expedition. Congratulations! 75% die on their first and 50% on their second. By your sixth, your chances of survival increases to 25%. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll survive! Probably.”
Tsk. He crosses his arms. “So surviving is your badge of honor? What a joke.”
“Yes, yes, that's why we have to live and eat like it's our last day. You never know when it's going to come.” She bites and swallows a whole mouthful of meat gleefully. “So let me enjoy my dinner.”
“Disgusting…” Levi shudders.
As if remembering something, Hanji reaches into her pocket. “Right, here you go.”
A bag of… “Candy?”
“I promised your friend.” She puts it in front of him. “You can have it.”
Candy, candy, candy… right, Isabel…Fuck, Isabel. Isabel was gone. Instead of her cheery smile what he recalled was the decapitated one that he arrived to. Levi couldn't shoo away the sight out of his head. He couldn't get a wink when he was too disturbed by his guilt.
As such, he rudely shoves the plastic. It slid out of the table and into the floor.
“…I hate sweets.”
She stares at him meaningfully before picking it up. She recovered pretty quickly, Levi noted. Some would have given up already. What does she want? “Okaaay, my bad. Then order, will you? You're making me embarrassed over here!”
He sneers. “I don't think you're the type who has any shame…”
“Hey! No snide remarks! You should take advantage of my hospitality while you can!” Hanji gestured to the tavern. “This place is expensive!”
“You dragged me here…” Why did he let her? He has no time to entertain this weirdo. Levi needs to figure out what to do from now on, when he no longer had anything to live for.
“Shush and order something.”
He bore his gaze at the menu in the hopes it would combust. The words, symbols don't make sense to him. Hanji is looking at him expectantly before he gives up with a groan.
“…I can't read.” He muttered.
“Sorry, what?” She shouted amidst the tavern noise. “What did you say?’
“I said I can't read!” Did he need to scream it from the top of the Walls?!
“Oh. Ohhh.” Again, she was unfazed. Does anything even turn off this woman?! “I uh, I didn't know… Can you write?”
“I can't fucking write either!” If she wanted to embarrass him, she succeeded. He stands up. “Are you happy?!”
“I can teach you.”
“…Huh?”
“I said I can teach you!” She beams. Fingers interlaced, no trace of judgement.”To read and write! No biggie.”
Levi is so lost. She really was crazy. “Why the fuck would you do that.”
“Because I want to?” Hanji cocks her head to the side. It was like they're discussing the weather (or in her case Titans).
“Nobody does shit for free.” A man dead? A live Titan? What could she want in return?
Everyone always does.
Seemingly remembering where he came from, Hanji pauses for a second before lighting up. “Then show me how you fight! There.”
“What am I to you? An experiment??” He shakes his head. Of all things he'd been, a lab rat was not one of them. Levi doesn't want to be treated like her test subjects (so how did he want her to treat him?)
He could not follow up on that thought when Hanji leaned in forward seriously. “Levi, was it? I've seen men fight. Good ones, great ones! But no one fights like you. Nobody. Nuh uh. I've been dancing with death for five years and I've never wielded my blades like that! So of course I'm interested! I want to live over here!”
“Why. What for.”
That's when he met her— the real Hanji beneath the exterior. She shines bright in unrestrained delight and hope. “Well, imagine all the exploring we can do beyond these walls!” She gesticulates happily, “Rivers as deep as caves, an eternal winter, fishes as big as Titans— think of the discoveries, the advancement of humanity, Levi! Think of the science!”
“Those things aren't worth getting chomped over a Titan's teeth, you four-eyed freak.” Levi gets brutally reminded of Farlan and Isabel. His face darkens. “Nothing is.”
“Are you calling my dreams stupid?! And what did you just call me?!” Her expressions puff up like a child. It was kind of cute (in an ugly way).
“I am, four-eyes. Freak.”
“Grump. Midget!”
“Shitty glasses!”
“Thug!”
“Even your insults are lacking.” He smirks. “How did you survive for five years is beyond me.”
“Me neither, but I must still be alive for a reason.” She smiles with a hint of regret, curling in on herself like she asks that question everyday. A seed of remorse roots itself in Levi. He feels terrible— wait, why should he?! Damn this four-eyed freak!
“Fine.” He sighs. “I'll take it.”
Her glee is back. “Really?!”
“Yeah. So order me the most expensive item in this shabby place.”
“Aww…My poor salary… “ She grudgingly picks up the menu and calls the waiter.
Before long it had been tradition: survive, eat dinner. Don't survive… well, they prepared for that too, with a ‘see you later’. Nobody got their humour and inside jokes except them. Nobody slayed Titans like they had. Nobody sowed chaos like them— one with an obsession with anything mildly interesting and the other with cleaning. Everybody understood to get out of their way. For Levi, it was nice having someone… worry for him. Someone who searched for him in the sea of faces, who checked if he was among the dead. It was warm having someone wait for him and vice versa. Farlan and Isabel were his responsibility but nobody had been responsible for him before (except his Uncle, the bastard). Levi was always expected to be the strong one so the Survey Corps was no different in this regard— except Hanji. She would always be relieved, the ‘so glad you made it out okay!’s as if it wasn't a given. Despite all his tireless demonstrations she never got to understand or replicate his strength, but she did improve. Somehow. It kept her alive on multiple occasions (maybe it was more of ‘luck’ than skill). Before long Levi had learned to read and write. He had also learned what it was like to be someone's person, to be the medium between Hanji’s craziness and everyone else. To have someone translate the words without the crudeness, who always assumed the best instead of the worst. To have someone offer their surname when you had none. His defenses had been all well and torn after she was done with him. Suddenly, he gained friends— no, comrades.
Before long, he had become Erwin’s Humanity’s Strongest, but to one Hanji Zoe he was just the clean freak who would knock her out to give her a bath. Who's strangely good at fighting.
For one Levi, that was enough. New friends and a purpose. Those things were not bad at all. Before long, he had forgotten his plans to leave the Survey Corps entirely.
Take me back to the night we met
“I was watching you!”
The excitable Scout proclaimed. They had dark brown hair, towering over them.
He's not sure if they're a guy or a girl. Or if it really matters. Levi doesn't judge, there were people like that in the underground. Growing up in that kind of environment exposes you to everything— except kindness.
Kindness, that's what radiates from this wild stranger. Kindness, which Levi would have returned with a knife on their back. They were the only one that dared approach them so it was reasonable for him to think they plotted to attack. But nope, this weirdo was the first to talk to him, Farlan and Isabel to their faces. They rambled on and on and on. Exasperated, his heightened guard was all for naught— the mocking or doubt about their origins never came like it did from the rest (who did it in hushed voices behind their backs). There's something special in this person… Levi can't quite put a finger on it. Their gazes met once. He has to admit, at least their eyes were pretty. Behind the heavy glasses was oozing sincerity and admiration, not the condescension he was expecting. Levi immediately looked away. In spite of his hostility they offered a hand in camaraderie and asked to take the three of them to dinner if they live. Yeah, right. Fat chance.
Levi didn't survive until now if he wasn't suspicious of everyone he came across. This four-eyes was no different. You can trust no one. No one at all. Especially with the way he entered these suicidal Corps with his friend's lives on his shoulders. Fulfill the mission and leave: that's the objective. What's the point of being attached to anyone or this place anyways? They'll all be gone soon.
Finally, the stranger leaves.
“See you later!” They wave, their shadow slowly retreating.
“She seems nice.” Isabel chirps.
Levi’s eyes watched the back of that tall weirdo named ‘Hanji’ disappear, not knowing just how much they will mean to him.
...
...