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Nicholas used to think happiness only took place in the one most important object he had ever touched.
it wasn’t his family
nor his cat
or his friends who had seen him through his pre-school days
.
it was Euijoo.
.
his precious Juju.
—
The juju that held him during days that felt never ending and were his emotions felt over the top.
The juju that would be able to store information on first dates that Nicholas wouldn’t even be able to remember.
His juju that held him every night, fingers tangled in his hair enjoying the quiet. They never needed conversation for the ongoing silence where they both lie awake, just being in each other’s presence brought a wave of sense over them.
and thats how Nicholas remembered it
thats how he wanted to.
he didn’t want to remember all the bad memories that also had taken place during their time together.
he didn’t want to remember the memory of finding his best friend half awake, smiling through the pain as he desperately struggled explained the bright light trying to take over his body. And the only thing Nicholas could was stay by his side, comforting him as he tried swallowing back his own tears as the paramedics arrive and rush his juju to the back of the ambulance.
thats not what Nicholas wanted to remember, he wanted to remember his bright euijoo.
The euijoo that would always be able to brighten up his whole day.
.
but, Nicholas knew that wasn’t true.
he was selfish, he never asked or let him rest his facade down. Nicholas was so selfish that he only ever wanted to see the bright, shining, happy, Euijoo and not the real Euijoo, the euijoo who also had his ups and downs, but tried to shove them down to mask his only worries on Nico.
.
Nicholas knew that too.
.
he knew he was being selfish, he knew that euijoo struggled with his own problems and yet he never confronted him, he had just let them grow quieter in the dark, in hopes that they would disappear one day
.
.
.
Nicholas knew it was his fault that day.
—————————————
“I’m home.”
Nicholas yells out to their shared apartment complex. He tries to hear for a sound that might indicate that he isn’t home alone and that his juju is somewhere hiding around the corner with that obnoxious smile plastered over his face.
A frown tugs on his face as he walks around and realizes Euijoo is no where to be seen, which is weird considering that it was very late at night and he had nowhere to be unless he had to make a emergency run to the convenience store.
“Euijoo!” no answer filled the air.
“Juju!” Nicholas hears his own echo bouncing off from the walls.
Nicholas inspects each room carefully, until reaching the bathroom. The door is left half way jarred prompting him to go investigate. As he approaches while pushing the door wider, the picture in front of him sends a wave of shock flooding over him as he stands there processing what he just saw.
His juju sitting lazy upward, staring up to the window tiles as gushes of blood emit from his body, razor blades scattered across the floor.
Nicholas rushes over to Euijoo’s side shaking his head as he tries to desperately clean up the mess.
Nicholas tries waking him up.
. . .
only seems, that he was to late.
——
The last memory of his lover that he has is their final moment shared together, with Nicholas pressing his head against Euijoo’s chest in a attempt to hear the beating against him to calm his racing mind that his juju was still alive, breathing with him.
Nicholas can feel the ugly, harshly tears falling down onto his lightly pigmented cheeks and the faint salty taste that landed every once into his mouth.
He doesn’t seem to notice the weak fingers massaging his scalp as a final gesture. He can only hear the loud sobs increasing bit by bit as he finally starts to realize what had just happened.
His juju is about to leave him.
He can only curl himself and try to be as closest to Euijoo as humanly possible. Nicholas is snapped out of his haze as he hears Euijoo’s heart beat quietly becoming smaller as an attempt to finally rest.
.
Nicholas stayed there all night and morning, cradling his best friend, lover, into his chest as their final goodbye.
He didn’t want the moment to end
because he knew once he left,
the cruel reality would crash down onto him that his juju was gone.
and left him all alone in their newly built life together.
—————————-