Work Text:
Life is always worth living, even if it feels like there’s nothing left in it except
Nope. Garbage.
Pain is an integral part of
Hell no. Infuriating. His pen nearly tears through the page when he crosses it out.
Stay alive because
He needs the damn money, but putting this bullshit to paper is even harder now that he’s here, living out of his van in the depths of winter. His hands shake numb around the pen. If this doesn’t work out, he’s leaving and driving south for certain. Away from this damn city. Away, where he can die in a gutter in peace or start over.
The place is an absolute dive. David made sure not to arrive too early — best to avoid the possibility of the staff kicking him out. He spots Arei at one of the crusty leather booths and slides in across from her. “Hello.”
“Hi, David.” She looks lovely, smartly dressed in a pea coat with her long hair braided back. They’d met up somewhat recently, yet David is still taken aback by the ways she’s changed; the signs of age carved in her eyes and the rest of her face. At least the way she looks at him hasn’t changed much. She still examines him like he’s a clump of crusty tissues that had unfortunately gained sentience. “You look like you got ran over by a garbage truck.” Her nose wrinkles. “You smell like it too.”
“Polite as ever.” David deflates into the booth in defeat. He’d hoped the cologne would do its job, but it’s his clothes at this point. Still, between buying food and soap it’s hard to regret his choice. At least it’s good to be someplace warm. “Here, I have a draft of the first couple chapters…” He rummages around in his bag until he finds the stained folder. It annoys him that this ‘agent’ had wanted a physical copy. What damn year is it?
When he slides the folder across the table and glances up, his heart immediately drops. Arei doesn’t take it. She searches him, worrying at her lip with obvious guilt. “I’m really sorry,” she says. “That’s part of why I wanted to see you sooner than we said we would. The whole thing fell through — with my book deal too. I didn’t mean to get your hopes up just to…”
By the way she trails off, it’s obvious how much his disappointment shows, how it dissolves him in place. David used to be decent at hiding his feelings. Now he’s worn too thin to care or try. “That’s a shame. But it’s fine.”
“It’s really not.”
The waitress comes by. David requests water, Arei a coffee. After a pause, she orders two bowls of soup as well. He wonders if she’s still trying to make up for lost ground, if reaching out to him was more for her own benefit than his. Thinking of her being stuck that way helps numb him out and ease the pain.
“Listen, I was thinking…” Arei fidgets her folded hands on the table. “It might not be bad to have a roommate for a while. It’s kind of boring living by yourself, you know? So… Would you be interested in that? Living with me?” She pauses. He stares, blank. “Yeah, I can be annoying, and my place isn’t anything glamorous, but… It’s not the worst either.”
It isn’t pride that makes David stand from the booth. He’s afraid — not of her, but for her. “I appreciate the offer, truly, but I can’t. I’ll see you around.” The last thing he wants is to step outside into the blizzard. His feet take him to the door anyway.
He’d parked the van a couple blocks away, and manages to trudge through eddies of whirling snow that needle his face until he reaches it. David nearly escapes, but as he fiddles frozen-fingered with his keys a voice cuts through the wind:
“I’m not letting you get away that easy.” Arei staggers into view through whirling white and practically dives behind the cover of the van, out of breath. “What the hell is your problem? I’ll let this slide if you come back to the diner and eat with me. Come on.” She takes his wrist, but David can’t make himself budge.
“Arei… You don’t get it, do you.”
“Get what?”
David takes a breath, glaring at her hand cuffing him, keeping him trapped. “It’s true that we were friends back then, but I can’t be like you. I can’t seem to… step forward like the rest of you.”
“Oh really?” Her face sours. “I think that’s a crock of shit, and I think you know it too. It’s not that you can’t. You won’t.” Arei tightens her grip, attention flicking to the van window, where she probably spots his sleeping arrangement. Her lips pinch tight. She looks like she wants to explode. “David… Do you seriously expect me to let you curl up and die in a hole?!”
“Maybe you should let me!” He yanks out of her clutches. His heart buzzes in his chest, misplaced rage making his head swim. “Just let me.” David yanks the door open and gets behind the wheel. Arei shouts at him. He’s glad he can’t hear the words. She’s crying.
He steps on the gas and drives, peeling away over ice and snow, his eyes blurring. The world opens into a pale void. Shapes pass through the haze; ghosts of his better selves, living better lives. A life with him. Or a life with her. A life where he survives the act of standing up and trying again. A fantasy.
The blizzard breaks as he reaches the highway. He drives and drives, pulled southward — by instinct or fate, he can’t be certain.
One last migration. One last bow.
David steps off stage.