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Say you'll stay the night, 'cause we're running out of time
So stay the night, I don't wanna say goodbye
Say you'll stay the night, 'cause we're running out of time
So stay the night, I don't wanna say goodbye
Well, you're so sick and tired of feeling so alone
Well, I don't understand the point if you have to go home
So won't you stay and count the circles 'round my eyes?
And we can watch the stars until the sun begins to rise
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Stay the night, Green Day
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It was all her fault. She got them hurt; she was the reason they were all nearly killed; she was the reason it all even happened in the first place. Her selfishness; her dream of an ideal ending; her own apathy to their thoughts and feelings.
She huddled up into a ball on her bed, body feeling feverish and sick; head spinning and nauseous despite her eyes shut closed. Stains of tears splattered all over her head, evidence of her feelings. Pale moonlight filtered through her windows, illuminating her room in a soft glow.
She had been lying on her bed for god knows how long at this point. She was trying to fall asleep at one point, trying to use the land of dreams as an escape, a respite from the storm of her thoughts and emotions, but after sobs and cries wrecked her body for what felt like hours, she gave up, choosing to just stay huddled up in a ball on her bed.
Some time ago, she stopped crying, not because she got the emotions out of her system, but because her body had run out of tears to shed.
And the worst part was that she wasn’t even the one to pay for her mistakes, they were. She got out of the incident fine, but they were a completely different story.
She should have been happy that she got out unscathed, and yet all it did was make her feel worse.
Non-existent tears threatened to streak yet another path down her already marred face as a sob escaped her.
She tried to break free from its control, and yet she just couldn’t seem to, forced to watch as she herself attacked, injured, broke her friends and idols. Just another fault; she had been too weak to break out.
Guilt and sorrow weighed heavily on her soul, like an additional tangible mass had been added on her body.
The scene kept inexorably replaying in her mind even though she hated seeing it each and every time. But unfortunately, it seemed as if the incident had been forever etched on her soul, like knife carvings on a stone tablet, never able to be eroded away no matter what she tried.
Her limp fingers found a spare pillow as she lifelessly fumbled with the fabric cover, before she weakly gripped it and wrapped her arms followed by her whole body around it.
Why were they the ones to pay for her mistakes? Why, why, why? Why was it not her?
She pressed her face into the pillow’s comforting fabric.
Why were they the ones to suffer? Why were they the ones that stood at Death’s door, not her? She was the one that was selfish; the one that was too weak to break free; too weak to prevent it. And yet, she was the only one to leave unharmed.
Why, just why? She deserved to be the one to suffer, not them, so why? Why was she the only one that was left intact? Why, just why?
Why was it not her? Why, why, why, wh-
The wooshing sound of a portal, followed by the slightest increase of mana in the air broke her train of despair. A soft step of feet touching ground sounded in her room as the same wooshing sound was heard, presumably from the portal closing.
An air of silence filled the space before she slowly turned her body towards the sound and pried her eyes open, finding both, a rather comforting face and a face she would not want to see right now.
Kiwi, heavily bandaged, only flashed a smile, a small, sad one as she somehow managed to saunter towards Utena, taking a seat on the side of her bed as a sigh escaped Kiwi’s mouth.
Utena forcefully shut her eyes as the bandages seemed to bring about a fresh new crash of guilt and remorse.
It was too much, too soon; she didn’t need to imagine what the bandages were hiding.
A strangled, choked whimper tore from Utena’s throat as the tears she thought she no longer had started spilling, forming an icy cold strip where the tears touched her skin.
And as Utena cried, Kiwi gently placed her palm on Utena’s back, slowly moving it back and forth, gently caressing as she waited for Utena’s crying to pass.
…
After a bit, the crying slowly died down, first into sobs, then sniffles, then finally into silence.
However, Utena still could not bear to open her eyes. She brought her hand to her back, where Kiwi had placed hers, and fumbled about. After a while of searching, she found Kiwi’s fingers as she interlaced hers in between them, drawing a soft chuckle from the girl.
“Hey, Utena.”
Utena offered no audible response, only the rustle of sheets as she shifted to a more comfortable position.
Kiwi quietly sighed.
“Yeah, I expected about that much.”
Another moment of silence filled the space between them, before Utena briefly disconnected hands and slowly, painstakingly, pushed herself up, ending up in a sitting position, now facing Kiwi, head however still downturned, unwilling to meet Kiwi’s gaze.
“Utena.” Kiwi softly said as she found Utena’s hands and interlaced their fingers once again.
However, Utena gave no response.
“Utena.”
Kiwi gently tightened her grip on Utena’s fingers, feeling the cold of Utena’s palms seep into her own.
Utena still gave no response.
“Hey, Utena.” Kiwi moved her other hand below Utena’s chin and brought it up, forcing Utena to meet her gaze. Utena’s eyes almost immediately darted away as Kiwi sighed.
“Utena.” She gently squeezed Utena’s hands. “Look at me.”
Reluctantly, Utena’s eyes slowly moved and met Kiwi’s own.
“Aw jeez girl, you look terrible…”
Kiwi shifted her hand to wipe away the residue of moisture clinging to underneath Utena’s eyes and tucking away a few stray strands of Utena’s hair behind her ears.
“Ki-Kiwi, I-” Utena began as the air seemed to turn to acid, choking her, body not capable of words just yet.
Kiwi just brought up a finger to Utena’s mouth, gently pushing.
“Shhh, shhh. You don’t have to speak; I don’t expect you to. I just want you to listen, okay?”
Kiwi unlaced their fingers, before using each hand to softly grab each of Utena’s hands, tightly pressing them together, all the while keeping that tender gaze on Utena.
“Utena.” Kiwi started as their hands remained clasped together. “It wasn’t your fault. Whatever happened there wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself.”
Utena flinched out of shock. “Wha- I-”
“Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.” Kiwi slowly shook her head. “I know you blame yourself; that’s just who you are, but that’s wrong. That wasn’t your fault, it was probably Venalita’s fault or whatever, but definitely not yours.”
And all of a sudden, Utena couldn’t keep her gaze on Kiwi anymore. Her eyes darted away, unable to hold the gaze.
“Hey, hey.” Kiwi gently pushed their hands closer together. “Look at me.”
Slowly, hesitantly, Utena’s trembling eyes of rich amber met Kiwi’s depths of deep wine-red. Kiwi offered a small smile.
“It wasn’t your fault, so stop blaming yourself, alright?”
Another flood of tears threatened to leave her eyes as her vision began to swim. Soft sobs began to escape her throat.
Kiwi just sighed, releasing her grip on Utena and spreading her arms apart in a welcoming gesture.
“Come ‘ere.” Kiwi said. “I got you.”
A few more quiet sobs filled the room before Utena suddenly surged forward, fiercely wrapping her arms around Kiwi’s body, knocking her down from her sitting position as her sobs turned into wails.
Kiwi smirked, reciprocating the hug as the two hugged each other tight, Kiwi’s top dampening with spilt tears.
…
And it ended with Utena still firmly hugging Kiwi, with Kiwi, one hand gently caressing Utena’s back, tenderly running it back and forth, her other hand holding onto Utena.
Slowly, the wails began to ebb, thankfully, since Kiwi’s top was now sopping wet. Utena clumsily extracted herself from the pile as she pushed herself up, followed by Kiwi doing the same.
“Sorry about that…Actually everything, Kiwi…” Utena said in a voice less than a whisper.
Kiwi smirked in response.
“Don’t be sorry, it wasn’t your fault after all.”
Kiwi’s hands snaked over and snatched up Utena’s, interlocking their fingers once again, feeling that Utena now was just that little bit warmer.
Another period of silence passed with nothing much happening, just two souls comforting each other despite no words being exchanged.
“Why…Why aren’t you mad at me?” Utena murmured, breaking the quiet. “I hurt you, and everyone as well…You guys should hate me…”
Kiwi chuckled.
“Who said I wasn’t mad at you? I am very much mad at you, Utena, but not because you hurt me, that part wasn’t your fault.”
Kiwi squeezed Utena’s palm.
“But before that.”
Kiwi felt that terrible feeling of a sob build up in her throat, as she redug painful memories.
“I was hurt, Utena. It hurt so bad to see you just…Why did you- nevermind, we’ll talk about that next time.”
Utena’s face seemed to turn darker as apprehension spread across her features.
“But right now, none of us are prepared for that conversation.”
Kiwi relaxed and nestled her head at the crook of Utena’s neck, followed by Utena resting her head on Kiwi’s as they spent the next few moments just like that, simply savouring each other's presence and warmth.
Kiwi then slowly extracted herself as she slid off the bed before reaching an arm up and languidly stretching as Utena just watched. Kiwi turned around and flashed a smile at her, this time, wider, brighter, more playful.
“Anyways, glad to see you’re better now.” Kiwi reached out a hand, causing mana to coalesce in front of her as she prepared to open a portal and leave. “Heh, I should head back soon.”
The portal materialised. Kiwi took a step towards it as-
She felt a hand clamp around hers as it began to weakly tug backwards. Kiwi suppressed a giggle as she turned around, taking in Utena’s face of pure desperation: Eyes pleading, one hand outstretched gripping around her own.
Kiwi collapsed the portal as she retook her position on the bed.
“Heh, alright, alright. Calm down, I’m not going anywhere.” Kiwi’s fingers once again found Utena’s.
“But we should really get some sleep though.” She pondered aloud.
Utena simply slowly slumped down, lying down back-first on her bed, hand still connected with Kiwi’s.
Kiwi smirked.
“Alright then.”
Kiwi laid down next to Utena as she squeezed Utena’s palm.
“Kiwi, please…” Utena whispered as she turned her head to face Kiwi. Pale moonlight danced at the speckled remnants of moisture on her eyelids. “Please stay the night here…”
Kiwi chuckled, before moving her face in and chastely kissing Utena on her lips. The connection was brief, and yet it provided the both of them an amount of comfort no other action could measure up to.
She smiled.
“Always.”