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Shane didn’t know how to understand why he woke up feeling like this. His body was in peak physical form yet it was never enough. No matter how much weight he could lift, how fast he could skate, how masculinely he presented, it was never enough. His body was not something he could stand any longer. With his soft hips, his surgery scars, his freckles, it was all to feminine. And he was no longer allowed to exist within femininity, that stopped being a place he was allowed a long time ago. One of the only things that made him feel man enough was when he was with Ilya. Ilya made him feel like a real man. He never questioned why Shane looked how he did, he just enjoyed it for what he was. A man.
Hockey also made him feel that way. It was loud, sharp, and violent. All the things that are intrinsically masculine. There was a reason Shane chose to play at such a high level of the sport, regardless of how dangerous it could be for him if things got out. Because no real man wants to play with a fake one. A pretend man that was actually a woman. No professional men's hockey player wanted to play with a real known woman either. Shane had heard the way his teammates talked about women. Even the tamest seemed to think of women as soft, even if many players didn’t say anything at all. It was hard for him when moving from an all girls league to a boys league when he was eleven. The logistics of figuring out how to change without others finding out his secret was not his biggest issue though. Instead it was the culture. The girls locker room might have been mean at times but they were all united under the banner womanhood, or really girlhood at that stage of life. Something about being a girl made them understand each other. There was this acceptance that you were feminine and you fit into this community and deserved to exist with everyone. This wasn’t the case for the boys, at least not in a way Shane could see. Instead the locker room was divided. There were invisible lines that Shane crossed without realizing it. He had to learn the hard way on how to fit into this community.
This was one of many things that he didn’t understand about being a man. Because why is it inherent that he has to see other people as lesser, why did he have to take up the space that his teammates all seemed to do, what gave him this power? Shane wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Something that he did understand was the need for control. It made him feel powerful to be in control, it didn’t matter much where this control existed. It could be within his leadership as captain of his team, it could be his diet, it could be with his carefully curated public image.
Control was what first made him feel like a man. That's why he felt good when his empty stomach burned, because that was an indication that he was in control. He was the master of his body, not the other way around. That's why he exercised so much, the burn in his muscles was a sign that he was doing something. That what he did mattered. Even the slight dizzy feeling he got on days that he did too much, made him feel in control because there was direct evidence of the work he put in. The pain began to feel less like a nuisance and more like he was doing enough. His motivation didn’t come from a scale that he stood on, instead it was the feeling of exhaustion he got at the end of each day. The way his muscles showed through his skin, even if his ribs were starting to do the same. The praise also helped. When he won games, he felt the most like a man. Because everyone was proud of the man who scored the goals, the man who strategized, there was no space for a woman to be, only Shane.
That's why he didn’t question why Hayden wanted to hangout after practice one day. They were best friends and Hayden understood his diet, he understood why was the way he was, even if he didn’t know the actual reasons for it. Shane also liked spending time with Jackie and the kids. Jackie was really funny and was good at accepting his awkwardness. The kids didn’t have opinions of him, they just liked being around their Uncle Shane. Dinner went fine, he didn’t really taste it but the conversation was fun. They talked about the upcoming games that the Voyageurs were going to play on their next road trip. Shane enjoyed this kind of talk because he truly did love hockey outside of the validation it provided him. It felt like home. Hayden and Jackie also didn’t stop his rambling about statistics and the various play styles of other teams which helped. At some point after the children had gone to bed they all moved to the couch. The living room was a comfortable one, soft seating, family pictures, and a plethora of blankets and pillows. It was Shane's favorite room in the house. What he didn’t see was the looks that Hayden and Jackie had been giving each other all evening. The worry and sadness in their eyes. Shane could have never prepared himself for the conversation they would have. Hayden started it when he set down his wine glass.
“So, are you excited for the season to end?” This question by itself wasn’t an odd thing to ask given the time of year but it still felt off. “I guess, it will be nice to take some time off at my cottage.” Shane responded not quite understanding the meaning. "I bet it’ll be nice to stop having to be on your diet right.” Jackie chimed in, her tone was very light, almost careful. “I mean, I wasn’t planning on stopping, it's kind of nice to eat healthy” Again Shane was confused. Hayden gave him a look at this, he was frowning in the same way he does with his children. “Shane, are you sure it's healthy?” His frown deepens even more “You’ve gotten so skinny.” This immediately put Shane on edge. He couldn’t risk losing his control. “I’m sure, it's not like I’m wasting away or anything.”
Neither of the others laughs at his joke, it seems to be doing the opposite of what he intended. Jackie's face starts to mirror Hayden’s. “Shane, we're worried about you.” Jackie looks heartbroken. "You barely eat, we can see your ribs, and you're tired all the time.” Shane can feel himself losing control. “I appreciate your concern but I really am doing alright, you don’t need to worry about me.” He was desperate to get them to stop. “Shane.” Hayden sighs deeply. “You are not doing ok, you're losing yourself to whatever's going on in your head. We think you might have an eating disorder.”
He finally puts a name to the worry. Acknowledges what they have been alluding to. “Hayden, I don’t have an eating disorder, those are for teenage girls who hate the way they look, and I fall into none of those categories.” Jackie stiffens at that. “Shane, anyone can have an eating disorder.” She looks even more worried. “Jackie, I’m a man, we don't get things like that.” Shane knows this is wrong, he also knows this is the wrong thing to say but he is clinging to what his brain has told him since he saw the first concerned comment about himself online. “I’m sorry I worried you guys, but it's all fine.” He tries to fix it. Shane also recognizes this as a trap, they're going to take his control away, and he needs to get away from that. He starts to get up from the couch. “Don’t leave. I need you to understand that we’re not mad at you. And you don’t need to run when things are messy.” Hayden stops him in his tracks. He sits again. Shane starts to curl into himself. His head is starting to hurt with how much he’s trying not to cry. “I’m a man, I’m in control, this isn’t about my weight or my appearance, and this is not an eating disorder.” Shane all but sobs. Tears are starting to blur his vision.
He feels a warm presence around him. It smells like Hayden's soap. “We know you're a man, struggling with your mental health does not detract from your masculinity.” Hayden shifts so he’s now holding Shane to his chest. “I just can’t stand by whilst you disappear anymore. You’re my best friend and it's like you have stopped believing that you need to exist” Hayden's crying now and the only thing Shane feels is guilt for causing it. At some point the tears exhaust him and Shane feels himself falling asleep. Jackie is the first to realize this. “Hayden, do you think we did the right thing?” He looks from the sleeping man in his arms to his wife “I don’t know, but it has to be better than letting him continue without acknowledging the harm he is causing himself.” They both take a breath, the room seems to have lost the tension that has hung over it for the past several minutes. “I just wish he would let himself be anything other than the expectations that have been thrust onto him since he was a teenager” Jackie nods at this. They both understand that while painful this was necessary. Because it would be more painful to lose Shane. And when the morning comes it is decided that they will not continue to let Shane collapse into himself in the name of existing in a way that is acceptable to outside viewership.