Chapter Text
CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS
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RENWULF DOGMOURNE (REN) MARTYN LITTLEWOOD SCAR GRIAN GRIGORI
SKIZZ LEMAN SCOTT IMPULSE ESVEE ETHO SLAB CLEO ZOMBIE BIGB STATS BDUBS JIMMY SOLIDARITY GRIGORI JOEL SMALLISHBEANS FALSE SYMMETRY XELQUA GRIGORI YOSHI DOC EMSEVEN PEARL DOGMOURNE GEM ??? HERALD and various court members Audience/Knights/Red Army |
Prince and heir of the Dogmourne family A merchant familiar with powerful people The self-made Mayor of Sandland, ruthless and cunning Son of the late King’s Chancellor, unassuming at first glance. Renwulf’s cousin
Friend of Renwulf, Marquess of Skizzlepoint The King of the fae of Rivendell in Flower Valley Minister of the Village Republic Minister of the Village Republic, He/They High Commissioner of the Village Republic, She/They A new knight of Dogwarts Minister of the Village Republic Grian’s brother, Resident Ambassador to Rivendell King of Mezalea and the Swamplands Friend of Renwulf, Marchioness of Cogsmeade The late King’s Chancellor, They/He The late King’s Chamberlain, mentor to Renwulf Friend of Renwulf, Marquess (Margrave) of Area77 Princess of Dogwarts and Gilded Helianthia A mysterious fae ??? |
ACT 1
Scene 1
HERALD
Oyez, oyez, oyez! A royal proclamation! It is made known this day that on the eve prior, His Royal Majesty, the King of Dogwarts and Gilded Helianthia, The Wolf-born King and Protector of the Realm, has passed his third life due to illness. By act of law, without any interregnum or interval, the kingdom is at once demised to his heir; Renwulf Dogmourne, who, is, eo instanti, King to all intents and purposes. The King is dead, long live the King!
Scene 2
[On a dreary evening, an empty funeral pyre sits at the edge of a cliff. Enter GEM and PEARL]
GEM
If you had worn the heavier underskirt like I had told you to, you wouldn’t be cold.
PEARL
I have wolf blood, I don’t need more skirts, I’m perfectly warm.
GEM
Indeed, that’s why you’re clinging to my cloak right now like a kitten. (She scoffs) Wolf blood. You’re a puppy dog is what you are.
[Enter REN and GRIAN]
REN
Hey! Who’s talking about me?
[They laugh. REN and PEARL hug. GRIAN bows.]
GRIAN
Welcome back Lady Pearl, I’m sorry that this funeral had to be the reason for your return.
PEARL
At this point I’m already tired of condolences, but thank you.
REN
I’m glad you made it home safe. I assume Jimmy made it with you?
PEARL
Jimmy? No, we ate him when we ran out of food.
GRIAN
Well, that’s just tragic, but at least my search for my brother is over then. I always knew he’d be the first one to go. Shame, I bet on him falling off a cliff.
REN
And who is this lovely lady you brought with you? Lady…
GEM
No Lady, just Gem. You must be the brother my Pearl talks about.
REN
Prince Renwulf Dogmourne, at your service.
GEM
You know, Your Highness, it isn’t wise to give your name to strangers, and certainly not your service. An unkind fae might take advantage of such a slip.
REN
Ah, you’re right. In that case, you may call me Ren. No title necessary, please.
PEARL
You should be introducing yourself as King now. You could get away without a title as Prince, but not anymore.
GEM
I offer my deepest condolences for your loss. Pearl tells me you and your father were close.
REN
Indeed, the clouds lour upon this dreary eve while soft feathered doves sing their bittersweet songs. A great leader is lost to us. The Kingdom of Dogwarts will bear the shadow of grief for many weeks.
(A pause)
…Thank you.
[A silent moment for the late King, as PEARL takes REN’s hand]
PEARL
I see your usual dramatics have taken a morbid turn in your grief. (To GRIAN) My condolences.
GRIAN
You should be consoling Doc, not me. He’s the one who has to put up with him.
REN
Miss Gem, this is my cousin, Duke Grigori of Evo. We just call him Grian.
GRIAN
Perhaps we can catch up later, I’m looking for Jimmy. He was with you in Rivendell, was he not? I’m worried that the Resident Ambassador may be stolen away by some fae permanently if I don’t find him soon.
PEARL
Gem actually escorted me to the Crystal Cliffs when I left Dogwarts, but we did meet Jimmy and His Majesty in the Flower Valley on the way here. They went to pay their respects to the late King.
GEM
What a time for the two of them to disappear.
GRIAN
Thank you, perhaps I’ll see you later.
[Exit GRIAN]
GEM
I didn’t think humans burned the bodies of their deceased, that must have been difficult.
REN
It’s a precaution to keep the dead from rising.
GEM
Not long ago I remember you all offering your dead to the forests, hoping wolves and phantoms would take them back to the Gods.
REN
Yet they rose and battered down our doors. We also believed that the Outer Gods bestowed favor on ancient kings through Direwolves and where are they now? It’s folklore, but it pleases the masses and unifies the kingdom. Now the story simply becomes sending their souls to the Gods directly.
Tell me, Miss Gem, what would you believe about the afterlife?
GEM
There’s not much point in asking me. The Fair Folk are difficult to kill, we don’t have many funeral traditions.
REN
Would you humor me?
GEM
I suppose…bodies decay when they’re no longer infused with the spirits the Watchers gave us. The only place for the spirit to go is the Void, until the Watchers use it again. That’s really all I have to say about that.
REN
So you believe there may be another life after this world?
GEM
It is entirely possible.
PEARL
Are we nearly finished atop this cliff?
GEM
It’s your own fault that you’re cold. Wolf Blood.
PEARL
I didn’t say I was cold!
REN
We’re responsible for greeting guests, we have to say a bit longer. However, Miss Gem, if you would like to head back to the castle we’ll have a room set up for you.
[GEM leaves with a nod. GRIAN and SCAR enter among other attendants]
REN
Grian, you’re back! Did you find Lord Solidarity?
GRIAN
I did. I should also introduce you to my guest. Do you remember Scar, from when we were younger?
REN
An old friend of yours I believe, I recall you two were always off with Lord Jumbo's son somewhere, but you’re not from Dogwarts, are you?
SCAR
Nope. I hail from a galaxy far, far away.
REN
A what?
GRIAN
Scar wanted to come by to offer his condolences when he heard your father had died. He’s come all the way from Sandland. He’s actually one of the Mayors there.
REN
Ah! Sandland is a recently established nation, I remember. Being in the desert like that must be difficult, with a new government and the harsh biome. I admire you sir. You said you were the…Mayor?
SCAR
Thank you, thank you, and I’m sorry to hear about the late King. To your question, yes, we call ourselves Mayors. A group of five of us, collaborating to be the pillars of Sandland by way of commerce. I’m here to represent all of us, technically–my dear friend Cub, Mumbo Jumbo, The Redstoner, The Mysterious Wizard, and Mythical Sausage, Pirate King of the Kestrels. We founded Sandland. Perhaps you heard of the Diamond Thrones?
REN
I have indeed. A magnificent sight, so I’m told. That must have been an incredibly difficult endeavor. Consider me impressed. Sandland has already gained a lot of influence throughout the world in such a short amount of time.
SCAR
Thank you, thank you. It was a glorious conquest by llama. Llamas are a wonder in the desert.
REN
It was kind of you to come all this way. Do you need a place to stay? We’d be happy to host you in the palace.
SCAR
No need, I’ve been staying with Grian. If it’s not too soon, I’d like to use this opportunity to talk with you about our foreign relations together.
REN
Not today I hope.
SCAR
No! No, of course not. Whenever you’re ready, Your Highness.
GRIAN
It’s “Your Majesty”, Scar.
SCAR
My bad.
REN
Think nothing of it. I need to meet with fellow leaders of the neighboring nations soon anyway, so you’re making this easy for me. We’ll arrange it.
SCAR
Perfect! Well then, we’ll leave you be, you seem to have a lot of guests waiting for you.
REN
Good day sir.
[Enter GEM]
GEM
Ren.
REN
Gem, what can I do for you?
GEM
Remember this as one life passes: Vultures don’t ask if there is providence in the fall of the sparrow. They bow their heads low like mourners and eat like kings.
Scene 3
[SCAR and GRIAN wander around the Minister’s Palace of the Village Republic, admiring the gardens and the dark oak tree centerpiece]
SCAR
So this is the Village Democratic Republic. It’s nicer than I expected it to be.
GRIAN
Have you never been here before?
SCAR
Nope!
GRIAN
Huh. Well, the Village Republic makes up a large border of Dogwarts, so it’s important for us to keep an alliance. That said, it’s a pain in the rear to have to come all the way out here for this when you have to go back to Mount Phantom soon. You didn’t have to come with me, you know.
SCAR
I wanted to. I missed my friend, and this is new for me. I’ll get to see a master politician in action.
GRIAN
It’s not going to be very exciting. We’re going to discuss what to do with the survivors of that village raid I told you about. In fact, I bet I can already tell you what’s going to happen.
SCAR
Oh? I’m interested to see if you’re correct.
GRIAN
They’re on the border between our lands, but it’s inconvenient to take them permanently onto Grigori land, so the Village People will likely take responsibility for rebuilding while I house them in the meantime. We’ll agree that the Village People own the land now, but I get free use of their resources and products separate from our other standing deals. The survivors will of course agree, because that’s what they offered us each in return for helping them. They have some useful tradesmen, it was worth the minimal effort spent to take them in after the pillagers left.
SCAR
Are you saying you would have left them to fend for themselves if they didn’t? What happened?
GRIAN
Some large, rogue group of pillagers. There are bits of undeclared land all over the border, unfortunately, they’re rife with crime. And yes.
SCAR
Ouch. Cutthroat, Grian. That’s what I love about you. Hey, this tree is incredible! It’s massive! Why’s it all walled off in here?
GRIAN
It’s one of the only dark oak trees in the world. The oldest, actually.
SCAR
Fascinating…
GRIAN
Ah, the servant’s ushering us over. They must be ready for us.
[GRIAN “exits” up the stairs to a balcony. SCAR takes another look at the dark oak tree, then crosses the short wall surrounding it. He plants something small in a divot in the trunk and lights it]
GRIAN
Scar?
SCAR
Coming!
[Enter ETHO, CLEO, TANGO, IMPULSE, and BDUBS. Chairs are set up around a fire pit table on the balcony, made of dark oak]
CLEO
Lord Grigori, welcome! We weren’t aware you would be bringing a guest. I’m sorry, we don’t have a chair for you. Who are you?
SCAR
Mayor Scar of Sandland, pleasure to meet you! No need to find a new chair, I can sit on the back of Grian’s!
CLEO
Ah. Well…if you insist. Are you sure?
SCAR
Quite sure, it’s perfectly alright.
CLEO
Alright then.
BDUBS
He’s kind of like your jester. Or maybe enforcer, I can’t tell which.
ETHO
That’s a scary enforcer. Or a really impressive jester.
GRIAN
Let me tell you, Scar has been trying to get me to join Sandland for years. He’s been bugging me the entire time he’s been here, saying, “it’s not about living, it’s about selling sand. It’s about the sand-source”. He’s made his empire on making people pay for sand, it’s a monopoly.
ETHO
That’s not a bad monopoly
BDUBS
Not a bad monopoly, not a bad monopoly
GRIAN
When he first proposed the idea of going to the desert, years ago, he was so excited. I told him, “there’s no way we could possibly defend this”, and he said, “what if we just mine it all?”
(All laugh)
BDUBS
Frankly, I think you should pursue that. But I digress. Lord Grigori, there’s something you’re protecting right now that we think could be beneficial to everyone.
GRIAN
Uh-huh.
BDUBS
Etho, if you would.
ETHO
Well, I think we all know what we’re talking about. See, we could have taken them, but we wanted to extend an olive branch. A gift.
GRIAN
Right. You guys want the villagers
IMPULSE
We do, and we didn’t come empty handed Lord Grigori, we’re not just asking you to hand over the villagers, we do have an offer for you. Our four regions have pooled our efforts and put together this.
[A chest is presented to GRIAN with a note]
GRIAN
Hmm…well, a lot of this I could get from the villagers I just rescued, and probably their land as well, once I officially possess it. What if I decline?
BDUBS
We are willing to sweeten the deal if that’s not enough.
IMPULSE
That’s not enough?
CLEO
Sweeten it.
GRIAN
Some more shiny stuff…I figured you were holding out on me. But I won’t scrape your nation dry of all its riches, I think there’s an easier solution. You want the villagers permanently, yes? But I was the one who harbored them, despite the effort it was to house them.
ETHO
We can- we can handle that! If you give us the villagers, of course that land would have to be ours, see we couldn’t suddenly accommodate them unprepared, but we can handle all the rebuilding. We can fix up the land and houses, and then you can have access to that village whenever you want, indefinitely.
GRIAN
I get the profits from the village? Indefinitely?
IMPULSE
We’ll have to draft a contract for how it’ll work, obviously we still get tax profits and some such, otherwise what’s the point, but regardless of other agreements, yes.
GRIAN
I suppose it would take the effort off my shoulders. Perhaps you don’t know, but one of those villagers was a librarian. Not an experienced one, but a librarian nonetheless, with the ability to enchant books.
IMPULSE
You’ll have equal bid to any of the books, of course, and you won’t have to think about training him.
ETHO
I don’t want to make the decision for you, Lord Grigori, but I think you should take it.
GRIAN
Alright, sold.
IMPULSE
Very diplomatic of you my Lord. That worked out well.
SCAR
(To Grian) That was amazing! Beat for beat, just like you said. You don’t give yourself enough credit.
[A sizzling noise is heard, crescendoing, before a firework goes off with a loud BOOM nearby the balcony. Everyone screams.]
TANGO and IMPULSE
What the-?!
CLEO
Are we under attack?!
ETHO
That was strangely beautiful. It didn’t even hit us, that can’t be it.
SCAR
Fireworks!
GRIAN
What in the world- ?!
SCAR
Fireworks!
[Enter MARTYN, under the balcony]
MARTYN
What-ho! Grian! I’ve been looking for you, I went by your estate but you weren’t there, you were the last person I needed to get.
GRIAN
Get with what?
MARTYN
Fireworks! Come on down, I’ll show you.
SCAR
Martyn! Good to see you my friend. I see you’ve been advertising.
MARTYN
I have, I’ve just left Dogwarts, but only temporarily. Actually Mayor Scar, I’m glad you’re here, I’ve been needing to talk to you. But first, let me show off the latest invention from ConVex’s brilliant designer, Mayor Cub! Sandland’s newest export: fireworks! This brilliant black powder invention is perfect for celebrations of all kinds, guaranteed to stun and amaze! Another demonstration, watch carefully–
(Oohs and ahhs as another firework goes off)
GRIAN
I didn’t know Martyn worked for you, Scar.
SCAR
These haven’t officially been released yet, we hired Martyn to advertise around the world, since we figured it was better to show off in person.
MARTYN
It really is, and Mayor Cub has some truly spectacular designs I don’t have with me; such things never imagined before. What’s more, this explosive device is remarkably compact, innovatively easy to move and use, yet the range and bang are hardly compromised. You didn’t hear this from me, but I know of some special artillery in the works that will revolutionize the face of warfare using these.
SCAR
(Whispering) You did hear it from him, we told him to say that.
MARTYN
My Lord, you’re ruining the mystique.
SCAR
Haha, sorry. How have profits been my good man?
MARTYN
Absolutely booming–pun intended. Saddlebags are stuffed full of pre-orders. You all can mess around with those while I talk with my Lord Mayor, just make sure you’re pointing them at the sky.
[SCAR and MARTYN move away from the group. GRIAN starts fiddling with a firework and sneaks up behind SCAR]
MARTYN
Boss, I’ve nearly completed my route advertising for you, and in the process I’ve met another investor interested in my business skills. One who intends to hire me permanently. See, I’ve been in Dogwarts for a while now, and the Prince- the new King, Renwulf- I’ve also been working with him in Dogwarts’ enchanting business. Now that he’s ascending the throne, he asked me to take over Renchanting and stay in Dogwarts.
SCAR
Stay in Dogwarts? Take over? How’d you get yourself in a position like that?
GRIAN
Hey, Scar!
[The firework explodes directly behind SCAR, killing him. Everyone screams.]
GRIAN
Oh Gods! Oh Watchers above, I didn’t know he would get hurt! I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WOULD KILL HIM!
MARTYN
GRIAN!
CLEO
He killed him! Guards!
GRIAN
Oh no! Oh goodness!
BDUBS
What did you do?! You dirty villain!
GRIAN
It was in jest! It was just supposed to scare him and go up, I didn’t mean to kill him!
BDUBS
Very amusing.
MARTYN
Yes, I’m sorry your guts are spilled everywhere! Are you insane?! Oh, it’s partially my fault, I never should have let you mess with those unsupervised.
ETHO
I saw that forming, I thought, “He’s not really doing this is he?”
BDUBS
Was that his first death?
GRIAN
Yes, but still! I feel terrible!
BDUBS
We have to take a monument, it’s his first death. A Mayor of Sandland, died, right here in our nation.
MARTYN
Surely he’s not going to respawn all the way back in Sandland?
GRIAN
No, we anchored to the Village Republic when we arrived.
[Enter SCAR, shirtless]
GRIAN
Oh no, Scar, I’m so sorry.
SCAR
Why are you hiding behind that shield Grian, what did you do? What did you do?
MARTYN
I think what we’ve learned here today is that abs don’t make you invincible.
GRIAN
Yes, why didn’t you come back with a shirt on?!
SCAR
Look at the scar you’ve caused me, Grian–of all the others I have, this is the largest.
GRIAN
It was just a bit of mischief, I was gonna set it off behind you to scare you. Oh my goodness I am so sorry.
BDUBS
We’re going to make a monument for you. “Here lies Mayor Scar, ‘It was in jest’”
SCAR
You killed me, Grian! I should- I should kill you! I should take you to court!
ETHO
Should we arrest him? It’s your call, Lord Mayor.
GRIAN
I didn’t mean it! Scar we’re friends, we can work this out. I was only trying to have a bit of fun, I honestly never thought you would die. So, I feel awful and I owe you, okay, so I am in your service until I lose my first life, how about that? I’m your partner.
SCAR
On the one hand you did kill me, but that’s a pretty convincing settlement. I understand that fun goes wrong, you do seem very remorseful. So you’re going to come to Sandland with me?
GRIAN
I’ll do whatever you want to do, is that a deal?
SCAR
Alright, that's a deal. To honor our friendship I won’t take legal action, we have a contract.
IMPULSE
(Muttering) Thank goodness, I did not want to have that trial in our country.
BDUBS
You’re lucky it was only his first life, that could have gone very badly for you Grian.
CLEO
No kidding. So, we have witnesses, a contract can be drawn up swiftly. Lord Grian Grigori of Dogwarts, Duke of Evo and Warden of the South, is hereby indebted to Mayor Scar of Sandland for the remainder of his first life, on penalty of- well, death.
GRIAN
You can go put a shirt on now.
BDUBS
That was terrible, everyone just watched…
CLEO
I didn’t think he was going to actually light it.
SCAR
You mean you were all watching and waiting?!
GRIAN
I’m telling you, Scar, they are all culpable in this. It’s not just my fault–it’s largely my fault-
CLEO
Hang on, hang on, “largely” your fault–it was completely your fault.
GRIAN
It was largely my fault.
SCAR
There were enablers! You’re all enablers. See now I’m glad I burned down your tree.
BDUBS
Wait, you what?
GRIAN
You what?!
ETHO
YOU WHAT!?
SCAR
The big one in the garden? Yeah, that thing should be nearly ashes by now.
ETHO
No! That tree is a historical landmark! Take your burn-y burn-y elsewhere!
[ETHO runs out]
GRIAN
I am not- I had no part in that, for the record. That’s a rare tree!
CLEO
You didn’t need to do that! Why would you do that!? I hope you’re happy Scar.
SCAR
Everyone could have had dark oak saplings, you could have shared the dark oak instead of hoarding it for yourselves. Alright, goodbye! Come on Grian!
GRIAN
I have to go with him now.
CLEO
You have to go. Go off to Sandland or wherever you will, just go!
MARTYN
I should probably be on my way as well…
[Exit MARTYN]
SCAR
Goodbye you monsters.
GRIAN
Goodbye, I’m- I’m legally obliged to go with him. Scar put some clothes on!
[Exit SCAR and GRIAN]
Scene 4
[The Prince’s office, REN is working. There’s a knock before XELQUA and YOSHI enter]
YOSHI
My Liege-
REN
You mustn’t call me that.
YOSHI
I must. Nearly a week has passed since the late King’s funeral. We understand that this is a difficult time, but the Council must implore you to start making choices about the New Life of the court. The people of Dogwarts grow anxious.
REN
Why? The old council is exemplary and experienced. I bet you could manage well enough without me even.
XELQUA
My Liege, don’t say that. It’s unbecoming to shirk responsibility, and it concerns us for your health.
REN
I assure you, my physical health is fine.
YOSHI
Heart ache aside, young master, we all knew this day was coming.
REN
I’m not ready.
XELQUA
You are ready.
YOSHI
You don’t always get to feel ready for things when they come, but you must do your best to meet them head on. You’ve been preparing for this your entire life. You know what to do next.
XELQUA
As the King’s advisors, we are here to support you. You aren’t doing this alone.
REN
I don’t feel like I know what to do next. The throne is so grand, I feel dwarfed by its size. The crown wouldn’t sit right on my head.
YOSHI
Kingship is something to grow into, it will never fit perfectly without experience. Now you need to sit down and start acting like a leader. The country can’t function without you.
REN
Where do I even begin?
XELQUA
The first step is to choose your new advisors. Complete the shift in power.
YOSHI
It’s also crucial that you reestablish our kingdom and your position to our allies. Especially as it’s been so long since the old King’s death.
REN
How can a week be so long and simultaneously, so short? You’re right. I hate that you are, but I know you speak true. I have no idea who I would choose. Why can’t I keep the advisors I have, answer me that? I understand that it’s tradition, but must symbolic processes get in the way of what already works? Wouldn’t it be better for a King to draw from experience than new, brash power?
YOSHI
A wise observation my King, but remember the significance of our traditions. The old can grow stagnant, biased, and corrupt. The beauty of a New Life is a fresh start, a new view. It represents good omens for development, learning and prosperity. Besides, have mercy on the late King’s council, we are old. Every one of us are in our final lives, and then what will you do when we die? We deserve to retire. You should surround yourself with a council made to support you.
XELQUA
Exactly as he says, my poor old bones yearn for the seaside. Before I go, I can help lift one weight from your shoulders, at least. My son, Grian, has managed the Grigori estate while I served as Chancellor in the capital, and under my guidance, he would become a more than suitable successor to my role, Your Majesty.
YOSHI
The King should choose his own council.
XELQUA
I’m merely making a suggestion, and a considerate one at that. Grian is primed for the role, having watched his parent. Family will always be one’s greatest supporters. But of course, it’s the King’s choice.
REN
Don’t start sniping at each other, there’s no reason to. I appreciate the suggestion, Lord Xelqua.
XELQUA
We can see that you’re busy, and don’t want to talk about this now. If you’d like, we can help you choose when you’re ready. We’ll leave you to your business, but again, we must urge you to start acting as King, my Liege.
REN
You have my word, I will think on it.
XELQUA
You must make a decision promptly.
REN
Xelqua-
XELQUA
Will you not listen to the wise old advisors after praising us so well?
REN
Fine, I’m sorry. You’re right, I just- it’s difficult to think through the grief. I will make decisions promptly, as you say.
XELQUA
Very good Your Grace.
[Exit XELQUA]
REN
I’m sorry Yoshi. I didn’t consider that the old council has more than served their time.
I’ve been putting so much of my attention on the enchanting business that there isn’t anything more for me to do here. It’s my passion, and it’s brought so much good to our country, I don’t want being the King to cause it to suffer. I threw myself into the work to avoid the reality of our situation, I have been neglecting my other duties, I fear.
YOSHI
I’ve noticed. You can still keep a close eye on your passions, but a ruler’s success relies on good delegation. Speaking of which, if I may make my own suggestion on your new council…
REN
Please.
YOSHI
Nobility does not have to come from aristocracy. You should choose people with whom you will grow together, and who offer unique perspectives. Find at least one person who will truly act in your best interest, yet will defer to you, and you will be alright. Neither of you have to be perfect at first, just loyal.
REN
An interesting consideration. Yoshi…should I be concerned about the loyalty of my other peers?
YOSHI
Always, my King, but never to the point of mania.
REN
I suppose I see the appeal of picking my own council now. Thank you Yoshi. You have taught me well.
YOSHI
Glad to be of service, my young Lord.
REN
I wish you well in your retirement, my friend. Will you send a servant in as you leave? Thank you.
[Exit YOSHI. Enter SERVANT]
REN
The Margrave of Area77 should still be in the capital, I want you to hurry and deliver this message to him before he leaves. Tell him to come see me today, if possible.
[Exit SERVANT]
REN
I haven't yet decided what I am going to say. And more courtiers, what more courtiers? Skizz comes to mind immediately. And False. Yes, False–the mountains in the East are already nearly impassable, so she spends most of her time in the capital anyway. I don’t think she would appreciate the role of Charmberlain…nor would Doc, although I’d trust them both with it in a heartbeat. Nay, neither of them would be quite suited for such a role, they both have skills better used elsewhere. A Knight Commander is difficult when we’re not at war. I suppose I can leave that one for now. A Chamberlain, I still need a Chamberlain. All these friends around me, and yet the space remains empty.
[Enter DOC]
DOC
I hope nobody else is in here, because I’d hate to have to call you King.
REN
Avast! An insurrection already! And by my own best friend, no less.
DOC
How are you holding up, Ren?
REN
Wallowing. Reminiscing. But the time for that is over. We take the first steps to a new kingdom now.
DOC
I’m not sure what you mean by “we”. Being a lord does have its perks, especially on the furthest reaches of Dogwarts’ territory, but these politics aren’t for me. You though…Ren, I have faith that you will make a great King.
REN
Your faith does fill me with confidence. You’re going to hate what I say next.
DOC
Oh no.
REN
Doc, you’ve been my closest friend and confidant for most of our lives.
DOC
Oh no.
REN
I’ve been made painfully aware recently that I don’t know what I would do without you by my side, especially as King.
DOC
I hope you’re not proposing. As amazing as I would look in a Queen’s gown, we never actually got betrothed, games aside. You know that right? You didn’t, like, secretly ratify our pretend betrothal did you?
REN
What? Married? No, that's not what I’m talking about at all.
DOC
Oh thank goodness. Continue.
REN
Doc, I wanted to ask you–would you sit on my council of advisors as the Chief Justiciar?
DOC
Chief Justiciar?
REN
Yes. You’ll be the principal judge of the country, and in the event of my absence, you will be the head of the royal administration.
DOC
I take it back, can we just get married?
REN
I will propose to you. It will be beautiful and romantic, this is a threat.
DOC
I relent, have mercy.
REN
I thought that was a job you would like. The best part is, you don’t have to move. But you know, if you ever wanted to come around to see me, I’d never complain.
DOC
I do appreciate that. So I’ll be judge, jury, and executioner?
REN
Yes, essentially.
DOC
This is the best job you could have given me.
REN
Wonderful! I’m glad you’re pleased.
DOC
My justice will be legendary.
[Exit DOC, with a dark laugh]
REN
…I sense that I may have made a mistake of some kind.
[REN also stands to leave, but SCAR and GRIAN enter, cutting him off at the door]
GRIAN
Your Majesty- Sorry, we didn’t mean to run into you.
REN
It’s alright, it’s partially my fault, I didn’t see you out the door. Is there something you need? I thought you had already gone back to Evo.
GRIAN
Erm- well, we did, but there’s been a development that we thought we should bring to your attention.
REN
Please, sit. What can I do for you gentlemen?
SCAR
Well, Your Majesty, your Lord of Evo, is now in my debt.
REN
(Aside) I’ve only met him twice, but somehow this man manages to speak the way a spider might talk to a caterpillar. The way his voice spins the words gives only the impression of their original shape
(To all) What kind of debt?
SCAR
A life debt.
REN
What happened?
SCAR
Grian, go ahead and tell the man.
GRIAN
Right. Well. I tried to play a prank on Scar with some of the new black powder devices that Sandland has been developing and accidentally killed him.
SCAR
My first of only three lives, taken far too soon. I was so young.
GRIAN
Thankfully, we’ve been friends for a while, so we settled it as a civil dispute. However that means that I have to do pretty much whatever he tells me to until I lose my own first life.
REN
Oh my. That is a terrible accident, Scar, I’m so sorry. A life debt…That could be a long time.
SCAR
Or until I decide otherwise. I won’t keep him until he’s old and grey. Probably.
REN
Well, I’m glad to hear that it’s already been settled. What exactly did you need me for?
SCAR
Grian and I are getting married!
GRIAN
He wants me to go to Sandland with him, at least for a little while.
SCAR
Not to worry, Majesty, I understand you need your Lord Evo here as Warden of the South, I just think this will be most beneficial to our little arrangement. Especially considering that Sandland has been looking to expand overseas! The desert isn’t exactly a hospitable place, you understand. Not to worry, I didn’t force Grian into anything in this regard, but you know, Sandland has some fantastic exports. Everything black powder, concrete, we have an incredible wizard, some of the most fabulous glass and baked goods you’d ever lay eyes on–King Ren, I just wanted to let you know, this is a business opportunity for you! I know you’ve been deeply involved in Dogwarts’ enchanting business, a well established venture, I must say. It must be difficult to keep up with now that you’re the King. My associates and I would love to get our hands on your Enchanter. We could upgrade our countries’ trades into a very prosperous relationship indeed. And who could refuse a political marriage like that? A Duke of Dogwarts to one of the Mayors of Sandland–we’d all be swimming in riches my friend.
REN
You don’t need my blessing to get married. As long as Grian agreed, I say good for you both and congratulations. I am a bit concerned about this trip to Sandland. Approximately how long do you expect to be there? Grian, I was heavily urged by your parent to make you my Chancellor, and I was just about to send the notice. I’m having a hard enough time picking the rest of my council, much less everything else that needs to get done around here, I could really use you around right now.
SCAR
I don’t know what a Chancellor is but that sounds important. I’m in no rush to get home, I can conduct my business from Grian’s estate while that happens.
GRIAN
…You were? Well I- as long as Scar doesn’t mind staying, I don’t think I can’t do both?
SCAR
I don’t mind.
REN
Thank goodness for that, I’d hate to have to annul your contract and create a new dispute.
SCAR
Well I believe I got to him first. Not to mention, you recently poached one of my employees right out from under me, so why don’t we just call this even. It’s no problem, I’m happy to stay. And I’m sure Grian can do some of his duties from across the sea later.
REN
How fortunate that you’re so forgiving. On the topic of Renchanting, however, I must refuse your offer. I’m sure Sandland and Dogwarts can maintain a mutually beneficial relationship regardless.
SCAR
Are you sure? You may come to regret that. Giving me your Enchanter would be a much more enjoyable choice, I’m sure. My Wizard could do a lot with such a relic.
REN
I’m sure. Martyn has a steady handle on it. Should I be prepared for a wedding ceremony any time soon? A much happier occasion than recent, one the kingdom sorely needs.
GRIAN
It’s really not a big deal. I’d rather just sign a license.
REN
That’s a shame, but as you wish. Then my congratulations to both of you.
Scene 5
[The Grigori rooms in Dogwarts Castle. SCAR lounges in a chair as GRIAN works, twirling a lilac between his fingers]
SCAR
Grian, what’s a Chancellor?
GRIAN
It means I’m the keeper of the royal seal now.
SCAR
Ren doesn’t keep that?
GRIAN
Nope. I’m the only one who has it, but of course he designs most documents and decides when it gets used. I’ll write and authenticate charters and other important documents, advise on pretty much everything.
SCAR
That’s a powerful thing to give to someone so far away.
GRIAN
Well, remember, we’re staying here now. Luckily Taurtis can basically run Evo by himself, and if Jimmy’s boyfriend will let him leave the fae realm, he’s supposed to go back and be the resident lord. The Chancellor stays in the capital. I should have seen this coming, Xelqua wouldn’t dream of giving up such a high position so easily.
SCAR
Your parent. They liked me.
GRIAN
They sure did.
SCAR
What was it Ren was saying about needing your help so bad?
GRIAN
It’s traditional in Dogwarts to choose a new council of advisors and reaffirm your relationships with all allied countries when the rule passes to someone new. On top of, of course, taking on all the responsibilities that come with being King. Not that Ren’s been doing that. He wouldn’t be having so much trouble right now if he had started preparing when everyone knew the old King’s health was declining. It’s been a week, he’s going to massively fumble his first steps as sovereign if he doesn’t get it together soon. Might already be too late.
(Mumble) I could be the fluffing King and wouldn’t inadvertently leave all this nonsense for my Chancellor to do.
SCAR
What did you just say?
GRIAN
Hm? I was just grumbling. It may be ironic, but I don’t like Kings.
SCAR
No no, but what did you say?
GRIAN
I said…that I could be King. Technically. I’m Ren’s eldest cousin and Xelqua has practically already married up that fae with Pearl, so she can’t ascend the throne, she can barely keep legal control of Gilded Helianthia. That means if Ren were to die, as long as he has no living heirs, I would be the next King. Technically he could also relinquish the throne to me, but that would cause civil uproar. Anyway, it doesn't matter, it’s not like I’m going to kill my cousin, even if I didn’t like him, which I do.
SCAR
You’re making it sound like your parent has some scheme in place.
GRIAN
Quiet, the walls have ears, always. And no. They believe the Divine Right of Kings falls as squarely on our shoulders as the Dogmournes from the Watcher’s favor, but it doesn’t matter. Even he wouldn’t plot an assassination, if that’s what you’re implying. Besides, Xelqua is retired now. I don’t have to listen to them if I don’t want to.
SCAR
Fascinating…the royal courts are so different from a city-state like Sandland. But maybe not that different…
GRIAN
You have an evil glimmer in your eye and I don’t think I like it.
SCAR
Grian, if you could be the King, we’d have a proper empire at our fingertips. Truly, we’re so close to being one of the strongest nations in the world together.
GRIAN
Hold on, first off- are we? You’re part of a group of rulers, not a single entity. / Secondly, I just said-
SCAR
Technically part of a group, but Cub and I founded Sandland. No one would be in the desert if it weren’t for us, and if it weren’t for us, we wouldn’t have an economy to build an entire country out of. We’re the ones in charge. Just think about it! You, ruling Dogwarts, ConVex ruling Sandland, us being married…
GRIAN
Stop. Scar I have no desire to be a King. I just said, I don’t like kings. Besides, if Ren had any intention of ceding the throne to me, he would have done it by now, in the depth of his melancholy. Honestly, that’s too much work anyway.
SCAR
Alright. It was just an idea. Obviously we’d never kill your cousin.
GRIAN
Good. No more of that nonsense.
SCAR
Of course, my love.
(Grian rolls his eyes)
Say, what would you say to another business venture with me?
GRIAN
It’s a scam, isn’t it?
SCAR
Completely correct.
GRIAN
What do you have in mind?
SCAR
Let me show you the power of Sandland.
Scene 6
[Outside the Village Republic Minister’s Palace, CLEO, MARTYN, REN and GUARDS take a detour before climbing to the balcony.]
CLEO
(They bow) Your Majesty. Welcome to the Village Republic. I hope your journey was quick and easy.
REN
High Commissioner Cleo, it’s good to see you again. Our journey was just fine, I had good company to share it with. Perhaps you’ve already met Sir Martyn Littlewood?
CLEO
I have.
MARTYN
Pleasure. I uh, I hope things have been going well for you?
CLEO
As well as they can, since you were here last. That’s actually why I came out to greet you early, Your Majesty, there’s something I need to tell you. I feel it’s my obligation as an ally.
Perhaps leave your friends outside?
REN
Hm? Oh, is this a secret?
CLEO
It is.
REN
(To GUARDS and MARTYN) Why don’t you all take a rest now that we’ve arrived. Martyn, you know your way around, right? Perhaps you could let the others know we’re here?
MARTYN
Mi’lord?
REN
I’ll just be a moment, I’m sure.
[Exit MARTYN and GUARDS]
REN
What’s going on?
CLEO
I may have recently come into possession of a certain llama. A llama that happens to look a lot like Sandland’s prized llama, Pizza. Happens to look like, if anyone asks. No one else can know that it’s here, but I feel obligated to tell you, since this could possibly mean war, if anyone finds out.
REN
Lady Cleo, why do you have Sandland’s prized llama? Wasn’t that the llama that helped them conquer the desert? How did it even get here?
CLEO
Through a lot of sneaky, risky operations. It’s my llama now, and you’ve heard nothing.
REN
Okay, I’ve heard nothing. You’ve greeted me, but there were no llamas involved. This was but a dream.
CLEO
Excellent, exactly. You have plausible deniability, if you choose to use it. Now, why don’t we go meet everyone else, I believe we have an alliance to renew.
REN
Indeed we do.
[CLEO and REN climb to the balcony where MARTYN, BDUBS, TANGO, IMPULSE, and ETHO wait. CLEO and REN sit down around the table]
REN
Village Republic! Thank you for being willing to meet with me. I hope you’ll forgive my tardiness in arranging this meeting. Not to make excuses, but my father’s loss hit harder than I expected. I assure you, I have nothing but respect for your nation as one of our great allies. I bring you this gift, from the new King of Dogwarts.
CLEO
Think nothing of it King Ren, we’re glad to have you here and to re-affirm our own friendship with your kingdom.
ETHO
Gift accepted.
BDUBS
I think we can dispense with the formalities for a while too, right? We’re friends.
REN
Wonderful! I also wanted to introduce you all to my new Head of Commerce, Martyn Littlewood. He’ll be taking over Renchanting and overseeing our other merchant guilds for me.
BDUBS
Martyn? I recognize you. I thought you worked for Scar.
MARTYN
I used to. King Ren has offered to hire me permanently, as one of his staff.
CLEO
You’re telling me you’ve really broken off from Sandland? And other business partners? Your Majesty, you’re going to hire a merchant to be on your staff?
REN
I am. Martyn’s skills have impressed me and he’s been very good company in the time I’ve known him.
It’s been so long since I’ve been here, I have to say the Village Republic looks even more beautiful every time. You’ve been building quite a bit!
IMPULSE
We have, we have.
REN
And things are going well? I hear you’ve got some very skilled villagers. The Village Republic’s stone masons and farmers are becoming well known throughout the land.
BDUBS
Thank you for noticing! The farmers are mine and Cleo’s faction, and we are proud of them.
IMPULSE
And the stone masons come from mine, thank you very much.
A little competition between districts is a good thing, it inspires productivity.
ETHO
It was Tango’s idea, and we are reaping the rewards. As long as it doesn’t get out of hand, I’ll say. We’re encouraging competition, not civil war.
BDUBS
Exactly. A house divided does not stand. And we’ve recently taken in some more from an incident just outside our borders, so we’re doing well. We’re someone you want to be friends with, Your Majesty.
REN
Absolutely! And we are friends, I’m glad we’re friends.
BDUBS
Tell the King about your boat deal, Etho. With your boyfriend, or whatever.
ETHO
It’s not- no no no no, he’s obsessed with me, we’re not- we’re not like that, he just never leaves me alone, I swear. Uh, anyway, King Joel, of the Swampland and Mezalea happens to- uh, he’s pretty good with boats. His ships are- you know, decently fast. Fastest in the world. Never seem to encounter sea monsters, always make it out of storms unscathed. It’s almost supernatural. As you know, my district is on the water, and we’ve trained some pretty skilled sailors and fishermen. This is actually the perfect chance to bring it up, see, because with Dogwarts having Goat Bay to your furthest north, and then the Village Republic in the south, we could arrange for maritime trade together using your kingdom's enchantments to upgrade the ships.
REN
I’m liking where this idea is going. Upgrade the ships how? How exactly would this work?
ETHO
Joel and I build and staff the ships, and his territories will be one of our ports. Your enchanting business outfits the ships with durability, depthstrider for speed, enchanted compasses, stuff like that, and then using Dogwarts as a large midpoint port, our businesses could safely reach the entire world.
REN
My goodness, that is an idea. How exactly would King Joel ensure the safety of so many ships so far across the sea?
ETHO
Truthfully, Your Majesty, I’ve been sworn to secrecy, but I can assure you, with the symbol of Mezalea on the ships, they will be protected from anything lurking in the deep.
REN
Very well, I respect a secret. Enchanting an entire ship–much less a fleet of them–would be very expensive and difficult…once we figure out the right way to balance the enchantments, however…a maritime business with minimal risk, that could very well reach every corner of the Earth. It sounds brilliant, I’m in.
IMPULSE
Hang on, there’s something you need to consider. This could undercut Sandland’s ocean dominance. I worry about how they’d respond to that. Those Sandland people are vicious. Their pirates would target the ships for raids, and what if they take it further? We actually just had a run in with one of their Mayors, in case you haven’t heard. That man is spiteful and unhinged.
ETHO
Impulse we’ve already had this discussion-
IMPULSE
And you won’t listen to me and Tango! These are important things to consider.
CLEO
Sandland has truly unique resources and products, it would be impossible to ruin them. I mean, Watchers Above, you saw that gadget they were promoting before, and what their salesman said about it. Undercut or not, they’ve struck gold.
ETHO
Exactly, they’ll be fine, we have every right to pursue our own success.
IMPULSE
This is the same argument we had about retaliation, it’s not a good-
CLEO
No, this is a completely different argument. This doesn’t have to involve them, it’s not a direct strike. Although, for the record, retaliation would have been perfectly justified.
IMPULSE
It could get us all killed!
REN
Woah, woah, gentlemen and others, please- what are we talking about? What retaliation?
IMPULSE
One of the Mayors of Sandland came by with one of your lords, by the way, and Martyn, to burn down the Great Dark Oak tree!
REN
The Great Dark Oak tree? Martyn, you were there?
MARTYN
It wasn’t me, boss, I swear!
ETHO
Yes, my poor tree.
REN
I see, I see, that’s why the prized llama has gone missing, I understand now. So you have a card to play with the sand people.
CLEO
REN!
REN
What?
IMPULSE
Cleo you stole the llama?!
CLEO
No! No, he is sharing information that is actually false.
REN
What? Wait, I thought you guys were working together, they didn’t know?
IMPULSE
No we didn’t know! Cleo and Bdubs wanted to retaliate, but we decided that was insane and unnecessary.
CLEO
Okay, you don’t need to call it insane.
IMPULSE
I can’t believe you went behind our back!
BDUBS
They can’t just burn down one of our historical landmarks and get away with it!
IMPULSE
But we decided we weren't going to do that! Bdubs you were in on it?
BDUBS
Of course I was, the llama is in our dungeon.
CLEO
Bdubs! Ren, this was not the deal, I told you it was a secret.
MARTYN
This is the secret you were hiding from me?! They stole Pizza?!
REN
I thought- I thought they were working together, you’re supposed to be working together!
IMPULSE
Apparently we’re not as unified as we thought.
MARTYN
I was almost complicit in that! I used to work for them. Scar could have thought I was complicit!
REN
I apologize, please, everyone, I have made a grievous error. Bringing up Pizza was me trying to let you all know that I knew and would keep your secret, I promise, but I realize now I have made a mistake. Let me do something to make it up to you, let me show you that we’re serious about our alliance and that we are indeed trustworthy
IMPULSE
Now isn’t the time to fight about this. We’ll work it out amongst ourselves later. What do you have, Your Majesty?
REN
I’ll tell you the secret that under the Red Keep, Dogwarts keeps a stash of gold, jewels, enchanted books and some other resources in case of emergency. We’d be happy to share them if you ever need help quickly.
MARTYN
(Aside) Is he out of his mind!? There’s a reason that’s a secret!
CLEO
Oh, this is certainly a secret.
REN
How are we feeling now? Amiable?
CLEO
I mean, that little slip up certainly could have gone worse.
REN
We’re even now, we’ve shared secrets. Are we still friends?
BDUBS
We have. And this time you won’t tell anyone, right?
REN
Absolutely no one.
BDUBS
Then the alliance lives.
CLEO
I’m still not happy that that one knows now. You’d better make sure he doesn’t go running off to Scar with this information.
MARTYN
I told you, I’ve cut ties with Sandland. I’m in King Ren’s service now.
CLEO
Right, well I still don’t consider you part of this alliance, got it?
REN
Cleo, how could you say that? I trust Martyn wholeheartedly.
CLEO
You shouldn’t. Merchants work for money, the only person they look after is themselves.
REN
(To Martyn) She doesn’t mean that. You’re part of the alliance whether they like it or not.
MARTYN
As you say Sire.
ETHO
With that…sorted out. Temporarily. We’re having a completely different conversation now. Your Majesty, this plan wouldn’t work without Dogwarts’ help. What do you say?
REN
I say we do it. I’m incredibly sorry to hear about the Great Dark Oak tree, it was a magnificent beast of a tree. I agree that this is different. I don’t see how this should cause offense. Mayor Scar does already want Renchanting, but I’ve given it to Martyn, so that’s that, he won’t have it.
MARTYN
Wh- excuse me? You never told me that! What do you mean Scar wants Renchanting?!
REN
He tried to get me to sell it to him, but I said no. Neither he, nor Grian told me he burnt down the Great Dark Oak though.
CLEO
He’s cooking up schemes, if the Listeners will hear me. Why is he even on this continent?
REN
I believe he said he wanted to be at the late King’s funeral. He also has friends in my country. A man has a right to travel.
BDUBS
Cleo you’re a little paranoid. He’s unconventional, but you’re acting like he’s evil. The man is just being a businessman.
CLEO
No, “just a businessman” doesn’t start an entire kingdom in the desert. Sandland created the materials to weaponize lava. There’s nothing natural about the antics of that man.
Scene 7
[REN is preparing to hold court in the throneroom with FALSE when MARTYN enters]
MARTYN
Knock knock Boss
REN
Good timing Martyn, I didn’t want to get started without you. What news on the netherwart endeavor?
MARTYN
Great success, Mi’lord, at least, that’s the impression I’ve gotten from your cousin. I haven’t opened the missive without you.
REN
Go ahead, you don’t need to wait for me. Read it to us.
MARTYN
The red patch of land and its resources discovered near the Flower Valley is officially bequeathed to Jimmy Solidarity Grigori, and by transfer via the aforementioned party, to Renwulf Dogmourne, King of Dogwarts, by the Faerie King, to be accessed via faerie portal--dubbed the “Netherportal”--by only the parties allowed by the landowner. To be hereby known, upon the completion of this contract’s signing, as the “Netherboard”. The netherwart is officially ours and very few, if any, other lands have any reliable source of it.
FALSE
How extremely lucky that we happened to find such a large source of netherwart. Of course it grows on faerie land, it seems obvious now.
REN
It’s not on faerie land, but you have to cross it to get to the Netherboard, so there’s not much of a difference. Thankfully, with this contract, even if we were to become in negative view of the Fair Folk, the Netherboard and its portal would still be ours. In a case like that, we’d have bigger problems.
Martyn, give the missive here, I’ll sign it, and please send a message to Lord Solidarity to thank and congratulate him. False, please put together a suitable gift to thank the Faerie King for his assistance with the portal. We’ll need to send defenders and farmers for Jimmy and the land.
Great job with that Martyn, you are a godly manager.
MARTYN
I don’t want to brag but I think I've changed your life since I’ve arrived.
REN
My life has changed a lot lately, and you certainly are a welcome addition. Talk to me about Renchanting, how is it going?
MARTYN
I would never question you because you’re the boss, but have you always charged so little? Enchanting is extremely valuable, Sire, and you’re allowing people to give you resources Dogwarts already has for something as precious as magic.
REN
Some don’t have the money for it. It would be scary to live in a world where everyone who is already more powerful than you continues to get further ahead still.
MARTYN
May I speak freely?
REN
Always, Martyn, I value your input. Anyone on my council may.
MARTYN and FALSE
He’s/I’m not on your council.
REN
Ahah, I forgot. No matter, say what you need to.
MARTYN
I understand that you want to be kind, but the way Renchanting has been managed is inefficient, cheap and going to run your kingdom into the ground if this business isn’t more seriously guarded. You have one the most sought after artifacts in the realm–a real Enchanting Table and a fully staffed library–you need to treat them as such.
REN
You understand I was the one managing before you arrived, right?
MARTYN
You let a brand new knight, who hasn’t even sworn fealty to you yet, enchant his entire gear for nothing. We might have to call a meeting of the board and discuss your role in this company, Sire.
REN
He’s a knight of our realm!
MARTYN
He hasn’t been knighted yet! I know BigB, he’s a good man, but even he was baffled by how much you’re underselling your product!
(Aside) To think, I just tried to convince him to leave this sinking kingdom with me, it only seems like a better idea now. I could not have come into a better stroke of luck, at least I had thought. But if I’m on the King’s staff, then if he goes down, I go with him. Thankfully, there’s time to turn it around yet
REN
Alright. I understand your complaints. If you want to improve it then go ahead.
MARTYN
Thank you boss.
REN
High Treasurer False, do you have anything else for me?
FALSE
No Sire. I’ll get the commerce records from Martyn and update our books for the estimated enchantment costs of those ships, as well as calculate sending people to the Netherboard.
(To Ren) Once you elect the rest of your council, I’ll have more than enough time to manage Commerce. That’s my job. I can think of other ways you can keep Martyn close if that’s what you want.
REN
Erm, right. Have a good evening Lady False, thank you for your hard work.
[Exit FALSE]
MARTYN
These are the only reports that I have for you. Is there anything else you need, Boss?
REN
Actually I’d like you to stay. For court. And if no one appears then you can simply keep me company.
MARTYN
As you wish.
I will say, I don’t mean to solely harp on you. After forging your alliances I feel like you have valuable friends; I feel like you’re in everybody’s good books. The deal with Lords Etho and Joel was good, in hindsight.
REN
I’m glad you think so.
[REN signals toward the door, and in comes a COUNT]
COUNT
(Bowing) Your Majesty.
REN
Speak your grievance sir.
COUNT
Your Majesty, I’ve come to inform you that a disease has been sweeping through the lands. My county, as well as Lord Grigori’s–who is away at the moment–have been afflicted by some pestilence causing our animals to waste away. We fear it may already have travelled further, and may be affecting the Village Republic on our border as well. We’ve found 7 deer corpses already and we can’t keep our livestock healthy. We don’t know what to do.
REN
Seven? In how long?
COUNT
Just a few days, My Liege. I’ve been informed that Lord Grigori’s land is already nearly wiped out. They’ve been coming to us for help but we have nothing to give them.
REN
Where is Lord Grigori?
MARTYN
The last I heard, he was in Cookie County, just a day ago. I’m sure he must be headed home.
REN
He’d better be, because he hasn’t been here and Cookie County isn’t far.
COUNT
My King, what do we do?
REN
We can’t stop the wild animals from moving, not from where they already reside, we’ll be behind the curve. Martyn, send mounted courtiers south-east and south-west to find out how far this disease has spread and let everyone know to be on the lookout. If they haven’t seen it yet, I want them to start building high fences to cordon off the southernmost area of the kingdom. It seems the spread itself is unavoidable, but we can cut it off and provide for the quarantined area until it dies out. We need to keep a close eye on our citizens, no one goes in or out of the quarantined area. As soon as we determine if the disease affects humans, I need to know. This will be my top priority.
COUNT
Thank you My Liege
[Exit COUNT]
MARTYN
You’ll need to sign this, my Liege. Sometimes I think you forget I don’t have the rank for such things.
REN
Right, my apologies. You’re always at my side nowadays, I do forget.
MARTYN
Quite alright Boss. That was quick thinking. Quarantining anything wild won't be easy, but I believe Dogwarts could get through this. Do you have a plan in mind for how to provide extra food to the quarantined area?
REN
Minister Tek of the Village Republic is wealthy in livestock. Has been, at least. I’ll have to send an urgent letter to see how badly the Village Republic has been affected. We can hopefully receive some advice from him in producing and maintaining such large quantities of animals faster.
MARTYN
If your plan works, then I suspect no more than a quarter of the kingdom would be affected. Rations may have to be slim, but I am confident we can provide for everyone.
REN
That makes me feel better that you think so. My insides were all twisted with nerves.
MARTYN
They were? I couldn’t even tell.
REN
I’ve had some practice performing under pressure. It’s significantly harder when you feel like you’re stumbling around in the dark without so much as far off light to guide you.
MARTYN
Is that how you feel?
REN
More often than not, nowadays. That darkness had always been lurking, but until now, some semblance of a path has been clear. Now I seem to have reached the path’s edge, and I can’t determine what the darkness hides.
MARTYN
Are we supposed to know? You can’t simply stop moving, time won’t wait for you.
REN
I don’t feel prepared. I don’t know where I’m going or how to get there.
MARTYN
You don’t always get to be prepared though. Take it from someone who hasn’t had the path laid out for him, if we always got to be prepared, wouldn’t we be closer to Gods than men? All you need is a way to make your own path. The further you go, the clearer things will become.
REN
All you need? Do you think I can do that?
MARTYN
All you need. You’ve just proven that you can.
REN
Well, my friend, I’m not sure I quite understand, but it’s a comforting sentiment, at least.
MARTYN
Maybe I’ve just lived more than you, sheltered Prince.
Scene 8
ETHO
How did this alliance break so fast? The plague on our animals has put far more strain on the Village Republic than even the reveal of Cleo’s betrayal. It's terrible timing, that’s the problem. That’s the way these things seem to go, entertainment for the Outer Gods, as it is. A bridgeable fissure between us has shattered into an abyss under such pressure.
The Village Republic needed that trade to properly connect us to the rest of the world, but we’re no longer in any position to start a new business. I know a sinking ship when I see one. With Cleo and Bdubs between me and Dogwarts, Sandland looms at our back like a hungry vulture.
Dogwarts is handling the famine well. Despite stumbling a few steps in the beginning, His Majesty seems to have gotten into the rhythm of the dance once an emergency required it. He would likely be kind enough to share food with us if we could find a way to do so in a safe and timely manner. Dogwarts is a much bigger country than the entire Village Republic together.
On the other hand, both Dogwarts and Cleo have been taunting the snake, and I happen to be right in the striking path. The obvious solution is to remove myself. The only solution, as I happen to have a relationship with the King of Mezalea.
I can see the regions of the Village Republic splintering away from each other, I wouldn’t really be a deserter for leaving. Cleo and Bdubs are already building a castle on their land, and though no one has acknowledged it yet, breaking one of our founding decrees by doing so. I would not be so reprehensible to engage with King Joel.
In the process, if I can endear myself to Mayor Scar a little further, well, no one has to know it was me. And if they can’t solve this code to lead them to Cleo and Bdubs’ castle and my former allies will happen to benefit, then that’s not my fault either. I’ll send this message to Mayor Scar, and I’ll accept King Joel’s invitation to visit the Swampland while I figure out how to protect my citizens from the clashing sides. If we’re lucky, we may end up right in the eye of this storm.
Scene 9
[REN and MARTYN spot SCAR lurking around Dogwarts Marketplace, where an array of colorful market stalls are set up in the square. SCAR fails to avoid their approach.]
REN
Mayor Scar, you’ve returned to Dogwarts! I was wondering where you and Lord Grigori had gotten off to. Is he around somewhere? I need to talk to him urgently.
SCAR
He’s actually not around. You know, he hates it when I disappear like this, so perhaps I should go find him.
REN
No, stay. I’m glad you’re back, I wanted to talk to you. You know how Dogwarts is a hub for commerce, we have this large shopping district, among others, that actually sell some Sandland products.
SCAR
Yes, yes, I’m aware.
REN
It’s very difficult to get hands on such products.
SCAR
Of course, that’s how we keep ourselves in business. However! I would be happy to offer you a lifetime supply of cactus to keep that lovely shop stocked.
REN
That’s…a kind offer. Cactus is exotic, yes, but you know, people have been mixing dyes, I’ve heard of artificial cactus habitats for farms; the value has plummeted lately. Instead, I was wondering if you’d like to set up an official Sandland shop here in our shopping district. To sell whatever you want, somewhere easier for consumers to get your products from. You’ll notice Lord Tek of the Village Republic has one, as do several others from around the world.
SCAR
You know what, Your Majesty, I have an even better deal for you. Free sand for life. Free sand for the King of Dogwarts, you could open an entire new business here and collect all the proceeds–I’m feelin’ it Ren, people are gonna come from far and wide to get this free sand.
REN
Sand’s not a bad deal at all. The people would be thrilled.
MARTYN
(Aside to Ren) Boss, that’s a grand offer, we could make glass bottles for a potion business, this is extremely favorable right now.
REN
Sand is good. Alright Scar, we’re listening.
SCAR
Alright. Low, low price of your Enchanter.
MARTYN
You want to take the Enchanting out of Renchanting? We’d just be “ruh”!
REN
I’m afraid I can’t do that, Scar. You would have me give away my country’s greatest resource?
SCAR
It’s “we” already I see. You two have gotten thick as thieves since he left me, haven’t you? One thief, at least. Come over here Ren, come over here. Let me talk to the King, not his wily merchant advisor. You know what they say about trusting people like that.
REN
Right…
SCAR
Here’s what we can do here, you give me the Enchanter, I can give you free sand and friendship.
[REN laughs in his face]
SCAR
This is for you, this is a genuine Certificate of Friendship. With 50 reputation points! Think of how impressive an alliance between our two lands would be.
REN
You’ve already got other friends. Many friends, I hear.
SCAR
Well of course, a country needs friends, but Sandland is exclusive, you see. In the worldwide game of risk, countries rise and fall all the time. Not Sandland. We made our own way out of the land nobody else wanted to touch. We’re only offering these Friendship Certificates to three people. You didn’t read the fine print. If things go south, when people start looking at the young King of Dogwarts with their greedy eyes, you’ll know you have a friend in me.
REN
Indeed, you’re already coveting the heart of my kingdom,
SCAR
And here I am asking nicely. Have you considered what would happen if I didn’t ask nicely? What would happen if I were to, say, hold a grunge when I lose my second life? It’s entirely up to you Ren. Do you want to be first on the list, or would you rather come to an agreement?
REN
As I’ve explained, everything you see has blossomed around this Enchanting Table. It’s my dream’s legacy, my people’s livelihood. To give you my Enchanting Table would be like giving you the whole kingdom.
SCAR
Can you imagine all the resources and friendship that comes from somebody on their final life? Somebody with my power?
REN
I understand. I won’t deny that you’re offering a valuable alliance, but this is the moment where my metal is tested, where my integrity is tested, and I have to say no. I can’t let the people down, and I’m no longer apologizing.
SCAR
(Scar’s faux cheeriness turns into a withering glare) I’ve been told by my partners that I can get a bit obsessive, so rest assured, I will remember this when the scarlet sickness gets me. Ren, you’re on my list. You can’t keep anyone safe with Sandland as your enemy, mark my words.
[Exit SCAR, as MARTYN returns to REN’s side]
REN
Martyn, you know when the Watchers took the first humans up to the mountain top of evolution? That’s what it felt like right there. I was offered the world.
Scene 10
[MARTYN reclines, reading, on a windowsill overlooking the Dogwarts palace courtyard as REN approaches]
MARTYN
My Liege? Is there something I can do for you?
REN
I was hoping you might accompany me on a walk, Martyn.
MARTYN
Certainly, My Liege.
[For a few minutes, neither speaks]
MARTYN
I’m happy to merely accompany you, Boss, but was there something you wanted to talk about?
REN
I see, so your King’s mere presence isn’t enough for you.
MARTYN
Not at all my Liege, your presence is always refreshing.
REN
I did want to ask how you were finding your life in the castle. I hope no longer being transient hasn’t bored you.
MARTYN
I don’t mind settling. Exploring was more exciting when there was still so much to see. Recently I realized how hard it is to live on the road, what with bandits, and the loneliness. I found myself looking for a place to stay a while and call home.
I have rather enjoyed my time here. Well, it depends, actually. Is it always this exciting?
REN
To not be exciting is the ideal. Then we can amuse ourselves with consensual, state sponsored bloodsport.
MARTYN
Right. Maybe I ought to participate in one of those. I was never knighted, but I’d like to think my training was never for nothing.
REN
You trained as a knight?
MARTYN
I did. You probably don’t remember me, but I remember seeing you, the young Prince, some time ago. We rarely visited the palace. I trained under the Diamond Knight, with your Lord Chancellor, actually, and Sir BigB.
REN
Did you really? It’s hard to think I would have missed such a personality right under my nose.
MARTYN
Hey, what’s that about my personality?
REN
Only that it shines as bright as a fine jewel. Did you graduate?
MARTYN
I did. Got my sword right here. Our Lord Knight was kind enough to gift the three of us each a diamond sword.
REN
Ah, I do remember now. I was at your dubbing ceremony. But you refused knighthood.
MARTYN
I did. I didn’t have proof of noble birth. I pestered the knights of the realm until one of them would let me be their page. I only intended to learn horsemanship and some basic fighting skills, prepare for the greater world, maybe become a squire, but I never thought I would be allowed higher than that. I’m not noble enough to be a knight. Money is my goal.
REN
Your knight must have known that. If he decided to train you higher and present you to be knighted, why wouldn’t you take it? You’re a hard worker and a noble man, Martyn.
MARTYN
You’re going to make me blush, Boss. I wasn’t looking forward to dying, truthfully. As a squire I stood on the tournament pitch and watched knights slaughter each other in false battles. We practiced, as well. Not to kill, but to not be killed. The scent stains your mouth, the filth of blood and mud contaminates every breath, and you can feel your heart beating faster than you ever thought possible, reminding you that you’re still alive, and the other guy isn’t. Honor and glory isn’t worth it to me.
REN
What would be worth it to you?
(Pause)
I apologize, perhaps that question was too familiar.
MARTYN
I believe I’m figuring that out. I’m not sure yet. How would you answer that question, My Liege?
REN
Hmm… for the people I love. It’s easy to say I would die for my people as a duty, so I’m not sure that’s a personal answer, but it is to me.
MARTYN
That’s a remarkable answer.
REN
What? How?
MARTYN
I’ve never met a King or Lord who would rather die for their people, much less felt an obligation to do so.
REN
That’s absurd. The point of a Lord isn’t to sit on a throne and horde gold, it’s to provide for and protect their citizens. Be a point of unity. Power is meant to be used in the benefit of the people, otherwise what’s the point? Why would anyone follow them?
MARTYN
(A breath) My thoughts exactly.
(Now Martyn frowns, concerned) Boss, do you feel duty bound to die?
REN
Responsibly? Yes. Would I regret it? Not for a moment. I do love my people. Even the ones who won’t love me, I understand you can’t make everyone happy. Dogwarts is a good kingdom. As the Prince I enjoyed some freedom to walk among them, to share their joy and food and festivals. As the King, nobody wants to let me leave the palace.
MARTYN
You’re the King though. Your word is law. If you want to go down there, then let them take precautions, but go. I think it’s a good idea. It’s not good for people to think of their leaders as Gods upon the mount.
REN
I completely agree. In any case, I don’t want to talk about being King for once, let’s stop.
MARTYN
As you wish. What would you prefer to talk about then? Women? Or perhaps the handsome knights at the tourney? That’s one thing I haven’t seen since returning to Dogwarts, a good tournament.
REN
Well now that I know you’ve trained as a knight I might expect you to perform.
MARTYN
You would love to see that.
(They walk in companionable silence)
MARTYN
Forgive my bluntness, Mi’lord, and I fear this ventures into King territory again, but now you’ve brought this to mind. I’m not familiar with the inner workings of the royal court… should we be busy trying to find you a wife?
REN
A wife? Why- that’s- no, no, not urgently. If this were a hundred years ago, where people lost their three lives as quickly as if they were one, perhaps, but luckily nowadays life expectancy has increased…I shouldn’t have to worry about marriage until my second life. Watchers know I have more important things on my plate.
MARTYN
Are you…not interested in marriage?
REN
I suppose I haven’t thought about it much. I’d like to exist in the pure and romantic notions of courtly love for a bit longer, if I may be so lucky.
MARTYN
I suppose you’ll be expected to maintain a royal bloodline, won’t you?
REN
Martyn, please.
I’ve been meaning to ask you about your travels. Have you really gone all the way to the Western frontier?
MARTYN
Indeed I have. You’ll have a riot at this story, Mi'lord. I managed to become Mayor of a city while I was there!
REN
Did you really? I thought that was a term Scar made up.
MARTYN
I did! It was a place unlike anything I’d seen before, where everyone had the strangest accents. And there was this-
[Enter SERVANT]
SERVANT
(Bowing) Apologies for the interruption, Your Majesty.
REN
What is it?
SERVANT
Your presence is needed in the Enchantarium immediately.
REN
Is it so urgent that I cannot finish my walk?
SERVANT
Immediately, Sire. High Commissioner Cleo reports that the Sandlands have declared war on the Village Republic.
Scene 11
[REN and MARTYN hurry into the Enchantarium where CLEO is waiting]
REN
High Commissioner Cleo!
CLEO
Your Grace, did you hear?
REN
A servant just told me. The Sandlands have declared war on the Village Republic.
CLEO
It’s worse than that. Scar lost his second life. I have no doubt that someone like that will catch the scarlet sickness.
I hear you’re the first person on his list.
REN
Yes. He visited us only recently and declared it. Cleo, do you know what Scar did? He said to me, “give me your Enchanting Table for friendship”, that was his offer.
CLEO
Did you give it to him?!
REN
Of course not. It’s right here, and I've increased the Enchantarium’s guard. He tried to take my entire business for friendship! Which is outrageous!
CLEO
Completely outrageous. Could I use that to enchant the sword that I took off Scar?
REN
You have Scar’s blade? You certainly can.
CLEO
It is, this is Scar’s sword. It was one of the things I took from him to return Pizza. That’s the other thing, he learned where the llama was, and Bdubs and I sold it back to him.
MARTYN
That’s probably for the best that’s off your property now.
CLEO
It would be, except that now he’s openly declared war. Can I get some stuff to enchant?
REN
Yes, yes indeed, please, enchant away. Was there a fight? Did Sandland attack you?
MARTYN
You did steal one of his country’s precious symbols, from one of the most volatile leaders of the realm.
CLEO
He burned down the Dark Oak! For no reason! Your Grace, I’m going to request that you send your little mercher away before he angers me. This isn’t the business of pets.
MARTYN
How ironic.
REN
Martyn, I beg you not to antagonize our guest. Right now we need to start preparing for Scar’s inevitable assault. I- blast, Grian has the seal. I need to get that back immediately, he can’t be allowed to retain his position of Chancellor any longer. Take my ring–on the King’s orders, I need you to work with Lady False to message my marquesses, rally- Gods be Good, Grian is also the acting Lord of the Southern border land. We can recall Jimmy from Rivendell on urgent business and formally replace him–we need to-
MARTYN
My Liege, be calm. Take a breath. One thought at a time.
REN
Sometimes it’s like you can read my mind.
CLEO
If you’re ever to send him off, let it be soon.
REN
You never lose your attitude, do you Lady Cleo? Here. You don’t need my instructions Martyn, go. Fortify us for war.
[Exit MARTYN]
CLEO
I nearly forgot that Lord Grigori is bound to Mayor Scar’s service. Coincidentally, his land sits directly between ours and yours. I feel like us Easterners are in trouble now.
REN
This is the time that we need to come together, Cleo, and defend what is ours.
CLEO
Scar is also claiming that you attempted to steal his diamond throne.
REN
I did not, that’s a blatant lie! I have no interest in Scar’s gaudy throne.
CLEO
This won’t stand. He’s going down. Right, I’m going to go and attempt to hunt down some netherwart for harming potions.
REN
We have netherwart! Not in the palace, but I can have some sent to you. If you’re at war, you’ll need it.
CLEO
That’s perfect, thank you King Ren.
[Exit CLEO]
REN
Scar has bit the dust, and soon enough he’ll be raving for blood. I can’t imagine someone of our generation already fallen to that sickness. He said he’s coming for us first, so now I am nervous. I am very nervous. We need strong protection. I’d trade a sword for a pen in an instant, but it seems the only language Scar speaks is violence. The only universal language, as it’s been said.
Well this Enchanting Table is going to have to be clawed from my dead, rotting fingers.
Scene 12
[SCAR stands inside the entrance of IMPULSE’s home]
SCAR
Impulse? Impulse, are you here?
IMPULSE
Scar! The mighty Mayor-Lord of Sandland, what’s going on?
SCAR
Mister Impulse, there you are! I came by to see how you were doing, check to make sure the fireworks you ordered got delivered.
IMPULSE
They have, we’ll be sure to put them to good use, thank you Mayor Scar.
SCAR
Good good, no need to be stingy with them, you can always get more.
IMPULSE
I know. That can’t be the only reason you came by.
SCAR
It’s not. I’ve been noticing the Village Republic has been having some trouble lately, is that right? I heard you got hit by a pretty bad disease.
IMPULSE
We did, some kind of wasting disease in the livestock, it’s brutal. Luckily, I have a little bit of the coast I share with Etho, so we’ve been doing a bit better at keeping our people fed, but it’s not a solution.
SCAR
It’s not. You’re innovative, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
IMPULSE
We’re trying. What can I do for you Mayor Scar?
SCAR
Cutting right to the chase, I like it. Well, Impulse, like I said, you are a very innovative man, your refinement of technology even surpasses Sandland’s famous Redstoner, I mean, these…water mills! I won’t pretend to understand how all this works, what I do know is that no one can produce metalwork quite as fast or a fine as your village.
IMPULSE
Thank you, we work hard here.
SCAR
You do, and you produce fantastic weapons. Enchanted ones now, I hear, for the right price?
IMPULSE
Word spreads fast. I can’t be upset, it’s good for business. The enchanted ones are expensive, and our librarians can’t hold a candle to Dogwarts’ Enchantarium, full disclosure, but I figure there’s a reason you’re coming to me and not Dogwarts. Are you here to put in an order?
SCAR
I certainly am, and I’ve got a once in a lifetime offer for you Impulse.
IMPULSE
We usually trade in coin and diamond, not once in a lifetime offers.
SCAR
Don’t you want to hear this one? Aren’t you curious what Sandland could be offering you?
IMPULSE
I’ve noticed you offering a lot of things, Scar, without providing a lot of things.
SCAR
It’s not like that my friend, I promise, this is a wholly honest deal.
IMPULSE
Okay. I am curious what you would be interested in weapons for, especially from me. You lost your second life recently didn’t you? You’re looking a little…dead. Although I genuinely can’t remember if your eyes were already red before.
SCAR
Ah, so you did hear about that and simply chose not to say anything. You Village People really are monsters. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you handled my first death on your land.
IMPULSE
After you burned down one of our precious historical monuments, I also remember. Regardless, it seems like you’re interested in my business right now, so I don’t see why we can’t be friends.
SCAR
Exactly, my thoughts exactly. It’s water under the bridge now, even if I am red. At least, it is for you, Impulse. See, I could easily hold a grudge with the entire Village Republic for
having stolen one of our precious pieces of history, and actual living creature, no less! I mean, we didn’t know if Pizza was alive or dead, the whole of Sandland was in a panic!
IMPULSE
Hey- now, I didn’t have any part of that. Listen, we–Tango and Etho and I vehemently disagreed with that course of action.
SCAR
I understand completely. I’ve noticed the Village Republic splitting up recently. Very unfortunate, I’m sorry for your loss, but now is exactly when you need a good ally in your corner.
IMPULSE
Right…what’s the deal Scar?
SCAR
You give me access to your librarians and other tradesmen, and Sandland won’t completely destroy your quaint little village.
IMPULSE
Scar is that a threat?
SCAR
You haven’t listened to the second part of the deal yet! I’m also going to offer you a Sand Pass–free entry into the country of Sandland to take back with you as much sand as you’d like, for the low, low price of a couple diamonds.
IMPULSE
This still feels like a threat.
SCAR
Don’t let it be a threat, Impulse, accept the offer. You can’t withstand the might of Sandland right now, can you?
IMPULSE
I’d argue that claim, but fine. I accept.
Scene 13
[SKIZZ and REN walk through the hallways of the palace]
SKIZZ
My King, I have to tell you, the more I watch our neighbors, the more concerned I am. It seems like deaths are happening everywhere all of the sudden. I’m worried about you, my Liege.
REN
I’ve noticed that as well. I’d hoped I was imagining it. Things are getting dark, Skizz.
SKIZZ
I have a question for you, I need to know that nobody can hear us. Can we go elsewhere?
REN
Yes, of course.
[Together they duck into a side room]
SKIZZ
I would like to build an underground secret tunnel that connects right to the palace. If you’re under attack you can come right down and out all the way to Skizzle point.
REN
That’s a great idea, I love it. We join our territories together via deceivery underground.
SKIZZ
In the event of an emergency there needs to be a way for you to escape and for the men to get to you quickly. I’m thinking of several secret tunnels around the palace, not unlike servants’ passages.
REN
Then we should have one from the watchtower overlooking the wall. Another, I think, in the throneroom, and perhaps a third in one of the towers. The Enchantarium, perhaps, seeing as Scar is so obsessed with our Enchanter.
SKIZZ
Good, good, let’s inform your Chamberlain, and only a select few, trusted builders.
REN
That position still currently remains unfilled. Of course, you understand I’ll need to share this information with my- with Martyn.
SKIZZ
Of course, I understand.
So is he- is he officially your Chamberlain, or war minister or something now? Or maybe something else? There’s a lot of talk about him around the city, you know.
REN
Is he- no! No. He’s…the Hand of the King. What kind of talk?
SKIZZ
Uh, you know, standard gossip. The Hand of the King? I don’t think I’ve heard of such a position.
REN
I’m creating it. For Martyn. That fits his position in my court best I think. In fact, in Grian’s…absence, I believe I don’t need him, or a Chamberlain. We’ve run smoothly without them with Martyn’s aid.
SKIZZ
I see. I wholeheartedly support this, Ren, I think you and Martyn are one in the same.
REN
He is a grounding source of peace in these times. As are you, my friend. You’re the only one who didn’t say anything about the crown, and I’m grateful.
SKIZZ
The crown? Oh! I see, you’re wearing your father’s crown. I should never be a detective, I’ll be honest, my King, I didn’t even notice. So you’ve accepted it? Tell me the story, why do you wear this now?
REN
I have accepted Kingship of Dogwarts. I am the King of Dogwarts.
SKIZZ
I’m glad to hear it, my Liege.
REN
Before you go–Skizzleman, you were the first to swear fealty to me, and are one of my oldest friends. I am in need of a dauntless and loyal Knight Commander, and no one fits the role better. Would you be mine?
SKIZZ
Knight Commander? Of course, my Liege, I would be honored.
REN
Good. Then it is done.
Scene 14
[MARTYN and JOEL stand on the deck of a large boat at sea]
MARTYN
The King greatly appreciates your willingness to help us, Your Majesty, and hopes that you’ll accept our gift. Minister Tango had managed to stash away some beef cows which he offered us, but they can barely sustain his own lands if not to drive them extinct. If we are to continue to keep the people fed and save ourselves from more problems in the coming storm, we need to find food elsewhere.
JOEL
Consider it an act of good faith until Dogwarts is better prepared to enchant my ships. Besides, I promised to help Lord Etho with the same. Poor thing is completely obsessed with me, it's kind of pathetic. You are the chosen representative of Dogwarts then? I haven’t met you before.
MARTYN
My name is Martyn, Your Grace.
JOEL
Do you have a title I should call you by, Martyn?
MARTYN
I work as a representative for the crown in many regards, commonly foreign and commerce related.
JOEL
Well, as long as you keep that faerie tongue ready, I’ll ask no more questions. We’ll need it where we’re going.
MARTYN
Where would that be, Your Grace?
JOEL
The Flower Fields.
MARTYN
But- My Lord, the Flower Fields-
JOEL
Are not part of Rivendell, they simply house the gate to them. They also have a strong, healthy population of livestock that could stand to be thinned.
MARTYN
I would hate to sour Dogwarts' relationship with the Fair Folk…
JOEL
Calm yourself man, they’re not going to curse you. Not with that quick wit of yours. Certainly not if we don’t get caught. If anything, they should appreciate the loophole. Now hush, we come upon the valley.
MARTYN
I’ve been here once or twice. This small inlet feels hidden, but it’s not. Should they desire, we are in plain sight here. It’s the only sea entrance to the Flower Valley.
JOEL
I can see the cows from here. Look how many they have.
MARTYN
They do have plenty to spare. Why exactly don’t we just ask?
JOEL
Because the Faerie King is a spiteful, petty, insufferable, overly-sparkling bastard and I will never ever let him live in peace. We’re stealing his cows. He deserves it.
[Enter SCOTT, silently appearing behind them]
MARTYN
You know what? You keep that to yourself, I don't need to know about all of that. What are you like- exes or something?
JOEL
Absolutely not! I hate him!
SCOTT
We could be.
(Both humans scream)
MARTYN
And just like that, he caught us.
JOEL
Scott!
SCOTT
Skip the relationship, go straight to the exes part.
You know you’re not allowed here Joel Smallbeans, what do you think you’re doing?
MARTYN
Ohh, you accidentally gave the faerie your name didn’t you? And now you’re bitter.
JOEL
I did not, shut up Martyn.
SCOTT
You were trying to steal my cows. What makes you think you can steal my cows and get away with it?
MARTYN
We weren’t here to steal them, Good Lord, I promise.
SCOTT
Don’t lie to me, human. I just heard Joel say that you were going to steal them.
MARTYN
King Joel wanted to steal them, we were actually in the middle of arguing about that, I didn’t even know we were coming here, and when I found out, I told him we should ask. We don’t want to take your cows, we just want to borrow some to breed our own cows, you won’t lose any of your current herd.
SCOTT
Mmmm. Is that so. King Joel, you wanted to steal my cows?
JOEL
Way to go Martyn, thanks for throwing me to the wolves.
MARTYN
I don’t have much information on this topic, but it sounds like King Joel was under the impression that you were unlikely to share. I’m sure he could be convinced otherwise, though you happened to arrive before that happened. Good Lord, our lands are wrought with disease, our people are not as great as your own, and both King Joel’s friend and my King are struggling to feed our people.
SCOTT
Hm. You speak sweet words. I won’t bother asking that brute what he would say, I’m sure it would only be incomprehensible grunting.
JOEL
HEY! YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU SHINY-
SCOTT
Unfortunately I’m not a very forgiving person when I know someone was trying to steal from me. What's more, human affairs are not my problem. Count yourselves lucky that I’m not sending the both of you home as cows.
MARTYN
Ah- well, Good Lord, I come from Dogwarts, and I assure you our- my honest intent was to negotiate with you. Perhaps the Lord Ambassador should join this talk? He hadn’t told us that the Flower Valley had so many cows, despite us having informed him of his own country’s suffering.
SCOTT
Well it’s not his country anymore, is it?
MARTYN
I’m sure that the Lord Ambassador would still care about his people and the land where he grew up. Is there some reason he can’t come see us?
SCOTT
(With thinly veiled displeasure) Lucky for you, he seems to be on his way down here already.
[Enter JIMMY]
JIMMY
Hail! Martyn and King Joel! What are you doing here?
JOEL
I believe you’re supposed to address me first and bow, Jimmy.
SCOTT
My husband will not bow to a human lord.
JOEL
You really are insufferable. I thought you didn’t speak ogre.
MARTYN
My Lord Ambassador, I hear you got married. Congratulations.
JIMMY
Yes! Well, not yet. Of course, when we do get married King Ren and Grian and everyone will be invited, we’d never dream of leaving them out.
MARTYN
I’m sure it will be very lovely. You may not remember me, Lord, but I work closely with King Ren now, and Dogwarts desperately needs some new livestock to keep the people fed during the famine that the King mentioned in his recent correspondence. We were hoping that with Rivendell’s flourishing abundance of life, the Good Neighbors might be willing to let us borrow some cows.
JIMMY
The- the famine? There’s a famine in Dogwarts?
MARTYN
Yes Lord, a plague, and I distinctly remember that being mentioned in one of King Ren’s letters. As well as asking you to return to your family lands in Lord Grigori’s absence.
JOEL
You hear how his voice pitched up like that? Jimmy’s a terrible liar, that’s his tell.
MARTYN
I heard, he goes up an entire octave.
JIMMY
Alright, yes, I did read that.
SCOTT
Jimmy-
JIMMY
We didn’t- well, how can I make it up to you? What can I do?
MARTYN
You can give us each ten cows to breed to supplement our own herds, and we will bring those cows back to you at a later date.
SCOTT
That’s not his deal to make.
MARTYN
Perhaps the fae have different customs, but where we come from, both groups of a marital partnership retain an obligation to their homeland. My only question about this arrangement is, are Dogwarts and the Faerie King of Rivendell not allies? I’m newer to the kingdom, but I doubt Lord Grigori or King Ren would be happy with the marriage of one of Dogwarts’ Lords to an unfriendly nation, so I’m a bit confused why letting us borrow some cows would be an issue.
SCOTT
Rivendell is not… unfriendly to Dogwarts. Trying to steal my cows would certainly change that, so it’s good that you say you were not. Very well. It would be courteous of us to at least agree to your request. If you bring the them back within six months, then you may take as many cows as you need.
MARTYN
Six months would not allow for the babies to be born to our herds.
SCOTT
Would it not? I don’t work with the livestock. In that case, I know of several calves from Rivendell’s herd who have been feasting on much nicer grass and oats than the ones in the Flower Valley. It may be better for both parties if you take those, with no need to return them. Reduce the waiting period for your kingdoms, and I can replace them in what will feel like less time to me than to you. Let me be generous to the Kingdom of my fiance.
JIMMY
Aww, you’re willing to offer them cows from the royal herd?
SCOTT
I don’t feel well about your attempt to lie. Gentlemen, you know the fae are incapable of telling a lie. I’d like for you not to hold it against my sweet fiance, or me by association. I’m willing to offer a better stock than what you came for.
MARTYN
That’s an admirable offer, Good Lord, but the cows from Rivendell that have been eating from the faerie land, may be considered faerie food by the laws of magic. We’d simply prefer to be careful. Regardless of whether or not that’s true, we have no desire to ask more from you than necessary. The cows from the Flower Valley are perfectly acceptable, and we will bring the same cows we borrowed back after the babies acclimate to our herds. Is that amenable to you?
JIMMY
Oh! My goodness I completely missed that.
SCOTT
It’s an easy oversight to make. Practically a technicality. Have we met? You seem familiar, but I don’t have your name.
MARTYN
I am simply a servant of my King, Good Lord.
SCOTT
Right.
Fine. You may borrow ten cows each from the Flower Valley and bring them back healthy when the babies are settled in. You may keep the babies for your own herds. Be quick about it. I don’t like looking at boats on my shores. Come along Jimmy.
[Exit JIMMY and SCOTT]
Scene 15
[MARTYN returns to the Palace of Dogwarts. It is already evening, and he enters the King’s office]
MARTYN
Boss!
REN
Martyn! You’ve returned! How did it go?
MARTYN
My King, I have practically traveled from one corner of the world and back with these good cows, it’s actually rather impressive that they made it the whole way.
REN
You did it? You’re amazing Martyn, this will be crucial for the salvage of our country. Where did you find them?
MARTYN
Well, you know I went to the Kingdom of Mezalea, and we just couldn’t help ourselves, it was a heist. More accurately, the King of Mezalea couldn’t help himself. Nearly got us into a lot of trouble with the King of the Faeries.
REN
The King of the Faeries?!
MARTYN
That’s right. I…believe they have a history of some kind. We landed in the Flower Valley and were almost immediately caught by the King.
REN
No! What happened, are you okay?
MARTYN
I’m here, aren’t I? I’m pretty proud of myself for this one, Boss, I managed to convince him to bring Lord Solidarity down so we could talk to him, promised them that we weren’t trying to steal the cows, just negotiate, and got him to let us borrow these ten, so long as we return them in healthy condition once the babies are born. So, we’re only borrowing these cows, my Liege, and we have to take very good care of them.
REN
My goodness, that could have gone incredibly poorly. I’m glad that you made it out. You really managed to negotiate out of such a tough spot with the Faerie King?
MARTYN
I did. He tried to get me several times, he did, but I wasn’t having it. Oh- speaking of which, I’m worried about Lord Solidarity.
REN
Worried about Jimmy? Why?
MARTYN
Did you know he and the Faerie King were engaged?
REN
I suspected as much. So it’s official now?
MARTYN
It seemed official. Problem is, I don’t think he’s willing to let Jimmy return home. Not even on your orders, my King.
REN
You don’t? Why not?
MARTYN
I couldn’t tell you.
REN
That could be a problem.
MARTYN
The King of Mezalea also told me that Scar threatened him for his Enchanter. And he gave it up.
REN
Perhaps that is in our benefit. Scar got what he wanted after all.
MARTYN
We’ll have to see. The stable hands are getting the cows settled, I tied a ribbon around each of their necks so we would know which ones to return. I’m quite tired, my Liege. And tired of calling people “Lord” and “King” so much. I don’t think I’ve ever come so close to sycophancy in my life.
REN
Well, you have brought bovine back to the Kingdom of Dogwarts, Martyn, your King is pleased. I’ll have the stable manager handle it from here.
MARTYN
Thank you, Boss.
REN
You can call me Ren. Just Ren. Maybe I haven’t said that to you yet, but I’d like for you to call me Ren. At least when we’re alone.
MARTYN
Is that appropriate, my Liege?
REN
Do you really care, Martyn?
MARTYN
You got me. I really don’t.
REN
I thought not. It doesn’t matter. Whatever I say is appropriate, is, and for the Hand of the King, I hold few restrictions.
MARTYN
Pardon, my- Ren?
REN
Martyn, will you be my right hand? My most trusted advisor? You’re already far more to me than a merchant in my employ. If no one else has my back, I want you to. If I have no one else to tell my secrets to, I want to be able to tell you. If I’m alone, I want you there. I want- …I want you to be the Hand of the King, Martyn. Of course, this will come with many responsibilities, but I believe you are more than up for the task.
MARTYN
This is a great honor, m- Ren.
REN
Will you accept?
MARTYN
I will.
REN
It’s a two way street, of course. Know that you can always rely on me.
MARTYN
Coming from you, Ren, I believe that. Is there something I have to do? A ceremony of some sort?
REN
There will be. Later. Something to prove that if I put a blade in your hand and turn my back, you will be loyal. And I will prove myself to you in return.
Scene 16
[SKIZZ cuts GRIAN and SCAR off outside the city guardpost just as the sun crests the horizon]
SKIZZ
So, the prodigal son returns. And with his desert snake, no less. What do you two want?
GRIAN
Easy, Skizzleman. We only meant to return to the palace of our King. I understand he’s been sending for me.
SKIZZ
He has. Do you come as friends?
SCAR
Of course we do! We have never been anything but friends.
SKIZZ
(Aside) I would beg to differ, but I’ll see what they want anyway. Perhaps I can coax their true intentions out of them.
Then I’m glad to have you back! Come here, stop to rest and eat with me for a while.
SCAR
The people of Dogwarts are all just so kind.
SKIZZ
Take some bread. My soldiers can keep watch without me. I have to say, Mayor Scar, I’m surprised you’re still in Dogwarts. You’re aware you have a warrant in the capitol?
SCAR
Oh, business never stops. I’m working remote for the sake of my husband. You could say we’ve been honeymooning.
GRIAN
Don’t give him the wrong impression Scar.
SKIZZ
Congratulations, that’s an exciting time. I’m glad I got the chance to talk to you as friends, Mayor Scar.
SCAR
Just call me Scar, please.
SKIZZ
Wonderful. Well, Scar, I’ve been thinking about your beautiful country across the sea for a while now. I wonder if you might like to see your friends visit you sometime after you go back.
SCAR
You would have to buy a Sand Pass for that.
SKIZZ
And what does that cost?
GRIAN
Scar- maybe you could let me give out a Sand Pass?
SCAR
You can give out a Sand Pass.
GRIAN
Listen here, Skizz, in exchange for a Sand Pass, it would actually be very convenient if you could forget you saw us. Convince your guard that it was dark, and when you got a closer look at us it was simply two strangers.
SCAR
Yes, that’s good.
SKIZZ
Hmmmm. Interesting.
GRIAN
I have no ill intentions, you have my word. You know nothing, you can claim ignorance.
SKIZZ
Lord Grigori–I’m a man of my oath and Ren is my King, so you have to tell me what you’re going to do and you must abide by it.
GRIAN
Okay, we’re here to get some things from my rooms for Lord Xelqua.
SKIZZ
YOU BRAZEN, LYING, CUR! Are you a brazen, lying, cur?
SCAR
That’s not- no! I can’t believe you would say that! We only come with gifts!
GRIAN
We want to give His Majesty a pleasant surprise for all the trouble we’ve caused lately while we’re here–put the flint and steel away, Scar.
SCAR
It’s just something I like to fidget with.
GRIAN
In exchange for a Sand Pass, this is the price. You just need to forget we were here.
SKIZZ
I will not. I can’t let you do that to my King, I can’t do it.
GRIAN
Guess he’s not getting any sand Scar.
SKIZZ
Not getting any Sand Passes.
SCAR
Permanent sand ban!
GRIAN
Ohhh permanent! That’s unfortunate.
SKIZZ
No! Why would you do that?!
SCAR
It can be waived with an offering to be placed at the doorstep of Grian’s estate by high noon tomorrow. Goodbye!
[SCAR and GRIAN exit the guardpost]
[...]
GRIAN
Wait, he’s going to go tell Ren. SKIZZ!
[They rush back, only to find SKIZZ already gone. They spot him sprinting through the city and give chase.]
SCAR
Get him! Get him! Grian I authorize you to murder!
GRIAN
Don’t make me do that Scar, please!
SCAR
Ugh, then I’ll do it.
GRIAN
I KNOW THIS CITY BETTER THAN YOU DO SKIZZ!
SCAR
Blast, I need my horse. Mr. Bubbles!
[GRIAN cuts SKIZZ off. SCAR catches up quickly, blocking the exit with Mr. Bubbles]
GRIAN
Skizz, we’ll unban you and even give you a friendship pass right now if you go back and don’t tell Ren. If anything ever happens, we promise not to hurt you.
SKIZZ
Okay.
SCAR
Excellent! Friendship instated!
SKIZZ
You- you can’t hurt him. You’re not allowed to hurt him.
SCAR
No, no, I have a personal gift of friendship for King Ren. Goodbye Skizz!
[SCAR moves to let SKIZZ exit]
GRIAN
It’s a good thing we didn’t mention the plan since neither Skizz or Etho would help us. We need to sneak in completely unnoticed. I’ll use the King’s Seal to instruct the kitchens to make Sandland food, then they can throw it away and think themselves safe. If they catch us and demand we eat them, I’ll do it. I may die.
SCAR
That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. You can be dead with me!
GRIAN
I’d rather not. They both told us they won’t go against Ren. He’ll do anything else that doesn’t hurt Ren. God, why is everyone protecting Ren?!
This is why we’ve got to bring him down a notch. He’s been too nice to everyone, everyone is protecting him. It’s not right.
Scene 17
[MARTYN and SKIZZ enter the service wing of the palace, where servants are preparing food and bringing in supplies]
FALSE
Hail, Skizz. And Martyn. What are you doing down here Lord Hand? You should be getting ready for the dinner tonight.
MARTYN
I’ve been trying to convince His Majesty that I shouldn’t be there. The Village Republic people didn’t seem very happy with my presence at the King’s side, and I don’t think the Faerie King will be very happy about it either. King Ren is clever, charismatic and good natured, he can handle this just fine on his own.
FALSE
Fair enough, but what are you doing here?
MARTYN
Oh! Right. Apparently Skizz caught Grian and Scar sneaking into town last night. The King warned me to be on the lookout for trouble.
SKIZZ
The Lord Hand and I decided, if it were us and we wanted to cause trouble, we would target the food.
[MARTYN grabs a cookie off a plate being held by a nearby servant, lavender colored with a swirl of chocolate in the center]
MARTYN
Speaking of which, this is one of Sandland’s elvish kiss cookies. Why are these here?
SERVANT
I- I don’t know, my Lord, this is just what we were told to make.
MARTYN
Told by who?
[GRIAN and SCAR try to enter from the opposite side of the stage, spotting MARTYN at the same time he sees them. MARTYN motions for the two guards by the entrance to grab them]
MARTYN
Nevermind. HALT! Grian I see you! And you Scar.
SCAR
Hey hey, watch the legs- There’s no need to restrain us Martyn, we're just coming over to enjoy the banquet. And Skizz! My friend Skizz! What are you doing here?
SKIZZ
Making sure you two don’t cause any trouble! In the words of my King, “I don’t trust Scar a moment longer than it would take a snake to strike. We have no time for filthy desert hippies here in Dogwarts”.
SCAR
(Aside) “Filthy, desert hippies”. I’m going to murder him.
GRIAN
(Aside) Easy, Scar.
(To all) Truly, Martyn, we aren't here to cause trouble, I just need to speak with my brother and both the Kings. Scar just had the brilliant idea to bring some gifts, that’s all.
MARTYN
I’m not falling for this. How did you know they would be here tonight?
SCAR
Falling for what? There’s nothing to fall for, you’re all so paranoid. I’m trying to be friendly.
MARTYN
So you told the kitchen staff to make this stuff?
GRIAN
Yes, I’m the King’s Chancellor, I can do that. Who are you to be questioning me, anyway, Martyn?
MARTYN
I’m the Hand of the King. Took your job, I believe, since you weren’t around to do it. Exactly where were you and what were you up to?
GRIAN
Took my job. I see.
SCAR
Wow! There’s so much tension here, good grief. Surely you can let us go, I mean what are we going to do under all these watchful eyes. You’re not being very nice.
[MARTYN waves and GRIAN and SCAR are released]
SCAR
Lets make a nice circle here, Skizz, Martyn, and the servants and guards can come too. Okay. Together we’re gonna mend bridges right now. Try some of Sandland’s delicious cookies and see how innocent we are. You can’t argue with free cookies.
[Everybody laughs. SCAR makes a shooing motion behind his back at GRIAN. While they’re distracted, GRIAN slips away]
SKIZZ
It can’t be poisoned, I mean, he wouldn’t poison us in front of everyone.
MARTYN
Probably not. But what’s all this? What are you bringing in here?
SCAR
Just ingredients! You can’t make Sandland’s famous confections without some ingredients exclusive to Sandland. Like the chorus fruit! Have you ever tried chorus fruit Skizz? It has such a delightful fruity zing, it’s like sparks in your mouth. In a good way.
FALSE
Martyn, I think Skizz and I can handle this. If you don’t go now, you’re going to be late. You can’t simply not show up, or show up late to a King’s dinner. The last thing we need is to insult the fae. Go.
MARTYN
Fine. But find Grian. And I don’t want anything from Sandland going to the King’s table. Everyone back to your business!
FALSE
I have to do a final check on the dining room. Knight Commander, will you keep an eye on things here?
SKIZZ
Consider it handled.
[MARTYN and FALSE leave and the group disperses. GRIAN returns from seemingly nowhere with a goblet that he hands to Skizz]
SKIZZ
Man, these cookies really are amazing.
SCAR
Aren’t they?
GRIAN
You’ll need something to wash that down.
If it would make “The Hand of the King” feel better, you can escort us to our rooms until this dinner is over. Just let Jimmy know I need to see him, will you?
SKIZZ
That I can do.
[SKIZZ leads GRIAN and SCAR out of the kitchens. Only a few steps into the empty hallway, he stops, one hand flying up to his throat]
SKIZZ
What did you-
[Before he can finish, he collapses. GRIAN kneels down to check his pulse]
SCAR
WHEW, just in time! Martyn is way too smart. I can’t even tell you how hard it was to keep them distracted. Did you do it Grian?
GRIAN
I did, now hurry up and hide the body, we can’t let Skizz warn them again.
SCAR
Haha! Looks like only filthy sand hippies know that chorus trees are a carnivorous plant! Now poor, lying Skizz’s insides are on the outside. I bet you didn’t know that Grian. Did you know that eating too much chorus teleports your guts to the tree’s grove?
GRIAN
I did know that.
SCAR
Jeez, you’re no fun.
Scene 18
[REN, FALSE and MARTYN stand at the head of a large table as JIMMY and SCOTT enter. REN, FALSE and MARTYN all bow]
MARTYN
(Aside) Did Jimmy just refuse to bow to his King? I think Lord Solidarity is stepping out of line far too much.
REN
Welcome, Your Majesty, and Lord Solidarity. I hope your journey went smoothly. We’re blessed by your presence back in Dogwarts.
SCOTT
King Ren. Hello again, King’s Servant.
JIMMY
Good evening, King Ren, thank you for having us.
SCOTT
It is incredibly bold of you to ask me for a peace meeting after demanding a favor of me and my fiance.
REN
Unfortunately a lot has been going on since I ascended the throne that has required my attention and a lot of my transitional duties have fallen to the wayside. I promise it was no personal slight, but I will do everything I can to make up for it. Starting with a good meal! Please, we have sweet wine and the finest foods Dogwarts has to offer.
SCOTT
I suppose it’s a start. Though sometimes I think humans have gotten far too comfortable in the ways they treat our kind. I believe it was only your grandfather that convinced us to treatise with humans, in exchange for due deference.
JIMMY
Where is Grian? Shouldn’t he be here?
REN
Grian no longer has a place at my table. I’m sorry Lord Solidarity. But I have no intention of asking you to fill his place. I know better than to take a man away from his partner. Instead, let me congratulate you on your engagement and offer a toast!
JIMMY
Hear hear!
REN
Hear hear!
[Everyone goes to drink. MARTYN frowns and sniffs his cup first]
MARTN
WAIT! My King don’t!
[SCOTT and FALSE lower their cups quickly, but it’s too late. Goblets clatter to the floor as REN, JIMMY and FALSE collapse]
MARTYN
NO!
[SCOTT grabs JIMMY and teleports away.]
MARTYN
I thought we prevented it. I saw it coming and I still couldn’t do anything. I was completely helpless…
[Lights down]
Scene 19
[Early morning, REN and MARTYN stand at the foot of a large, polished black stone platform, with a short altar where the block should be. Fires burn in braziers at all corners.]
REN
Do you remember when I told you I had a test for you, Martyn? This is what we came to see. Welcome to Black Heart Altar, my Hand. Today’s the day.
MARTYN
How are you feeling, My Liege? You haven’t spoken a word to me all the way here. Should I be concerned that you’re not feeling rested and refreshed after your big sleep?
REN
Let me tell you something Martyn, I’ve got revenge in my veins. I’ve been thinking about it all week. Later this evening people of the city will flood the square to see their King’s response to the terrorist attack by the Sandlanders.
MARTYN
Okay…I still don’t understand what your plan is.
REN
Are you wondering about this platform, my Hand?
MARTYN
Are we going to start doing blood magic? Because I didn’t sign up for that. Or, is it the execution platform for Mayor Scar? I can’t tell which, to be honest.
REN
It’s for us. Testing your loyalty, testing my loyalty, making sure that you and I are in this together until the end.
MARTYN
Oh.
(...)
I’m not sure that I’m ready. But I will be. One foot in front of the other, right?
Scene 21
MARTYN
The people gather, my King, as you said. I haven’t seen a crowd this large since the knights graduation tournament.
SKIZZ
My King, what are we doing? Why does it look like someone else is about to be killed?
REN
Are your soldiers organized, Skizz? I’ll have you and each of them give their vows in sight of the Kingdom, and we’ll induct our new knight.
SKIZZ
Not to argue, Your Grace, not when you’re sounding grimmer than Death’s ravens, but the men have already-
REN
I know.
SKIZZ
Then as you wish.
[Exit SKIZZ]
REN
Martyn.
MARTYN
Yes, Ren?
REN
I have something for you. Hand of the King, this dark blade has been forged with the cursed ore of the underworld, enchanted by mine own hands, and it is now yours. See the inscription engraved down the side?
MARTYN
A netherite axe…You even named this? I’m sorry, my Liege, I don’t read latin.
REN
Sanguineus Hiems Venit.
MARTYN
Ren, I appreciate any gift from you, but I don’t actually know what I'm to do with it.
REN
It shall all become clear in a moment. We’re going to send a message from the Kingdom of Dogwarts to anyone who would be foolish enough to challenge us.
MARTYN
Shall I rally the messengers?
REN
I mean something a lot more fearsome Martyn. This message shall ring across the lands, and those who have wronged us, Hand, we’ll make them pay the ultimate price.
MARTYN
We’ll make them pay, we’ll drive a dagger straight through their heart! You’re my light, my King, I’ll follow your lead.
REN
Are you intimidated laddie?
MARTYN
You can’t intimidate me, Ren.
REN
Then join me on the altar.
[They climb the steps and REN faces the gathered subjects]
REN
Citizens of Dogwarts! Last week, there was an assassination plot against me, traced back to none other than the traitor, Lord Grian Grigori of Evo! The Sandlanders have pushed us too far, something has to be done about it!
[Audience cheers]
REN
Let the Orders of Cluckle Cluck, Carrotyn, Crimson Wart and Enderport come forward!
[SKIZZ and KNIGHTS approach the Altar]
REN
Sir Skizz Leman- !
[SKIZZ kneels]
REN
Marquess Skizz Leman of Skizzlepoint, as a knight of the crown and Warden of the West, I made you my Knight Commander when I ascended the throne, to oversee and organize my forces at my command. To lead our protection against aggravators. Lord Commander, your King desires to go to war. Do you support this course?
SKIZZ
I do, Your Majesty.
REN
And do your knights accept this course?
[As one, the KNIGHTS kneel]
REN
Then take this banner as a symbol of your commitment, and affix it to your shield.
SKIZZ
Thank you, my King.
REN
Sir BigB of House Enderport!
[SKIZZ steps back as BIGB steps forward and kneels]
BIGB
Your Grace.
REN
In light of the tragic and honorable final death of your predecessor, are you prepared to take his place as the Diamond Knight?
BIGB
I am, Your Grace.
REN
Upon what symbol will you swear fealty?
BIGB
On the helm of my predecessor, Your Grace.
REN
Before these good people, swear your oath
BIGB
Henceforth I do swear fealty to my undoubted King of Dogwarts; to never cause him harm, to do good and be ever chivalrous in the name of the kingdom; to be the sword against all persons who may threaten and the shield that guards the realm. To speak and to be silent, to do and to let be, to come and to go, to strike and to spare as my King commands. I swear to act as is honorable and without deceit. In peace or in war, ‘til death take me, or our world end, I swear to you my fealty. May the Watchers behold, and the Listeners harken my vow.
REN
All this do They behold. And I, for my part, do swear fealty to you, Sir BigB; to protect and defend him and his household with all my power, so long as I remain Sovereign of Dogwarts.
Arise, Sir BigB, go now to your peers.
[the AUDIENCE cheers as BIGB, KNIGHTS and SKIZZ depart the altar]
REN
Last but not least, the Hand of the King.
MARTYN
Yes, My Liege.
REN
(Quieter, almost privately) The sun has set on Dogwarts and as the moon rises, we find ourselves at Black Heart Altar.
MARTYN
So we do.
REN
(To all) We are here for your test, my Hand. This will not only be a test for you, but a test for me, laddie. Tonight we prove our loyalty to one another.
MARTYN
What would you propose I do Mi’lord?
REN
I have given you my trusty battle axe, honorably named. Please put her in your hand.
My Hand, I am going to ask you to do a terrible, terrible thing. I am going to ask you, my Hand–my loyal friend–to slice the head off your King.
[This time, REN kneels. The AUDIENCE gasps]
MARTYN
Oh, NO! No! I don’t- I don’t know if I can do it Mi’lord. It goes against everything that I swore to you!
REN
But it must be done. For something to be right doesn’t make it less difficult. Get it done, me laddie.
MARTYN
Ren…
I will do as you command. I’m doing it!
REN
Let all the realms know what has happened here today, and tell them, RED WINTER IS COMING!
[MARTYN beheads the King to the screams of the audience and the barely restrained watch of the guard. As the King’s body hits the ground, he nearly drops the axe. The blood seeps into his boots]
MARTYN
MY LORD! What have I done?!
[INTERMISSION]