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Jun had trouble sleeping that night. Morpheus must have hated him after what he’d done. And, well, he couldn't blame him either. Groaning at the thought, Jun knew he should have apologized. The night before, the actor had felt so damn tired, all he could think about was his bed and some huge bowl of instant noodles. It had been a long filming day: his costar arrived late, costing them an hour of work. The rain had not helped either. It had started pouring without notice, and it lasted long enough to get them to lunch without having much filmed. The rest of the day had been tiresome. The director had acted extremely needy over some dramatic scenes.
The last straw was coming home to a stranger on his sofa. And he reacted like a huge asshole. No hours on set justified that behavior — he knew that. Storming into the living room, scowling at Dylan and his date, and slamming his door was inexcusable. Worse, Dylan probably had said sorry to the other guy, which made Jun feel even guiltier. He didn’t want his friend apologizing on his behalf, he wasn't a child who needed someone responsible taking his side. Let alone if it was Dylan.
He sighed. His eyes hardly adjusted to the sunlight. The alarm clock on his nightstand announced that 9 am had just passed, but he couldn't force himself to feel rested. For a moment, the thought of staying there and wasting the day sounded like the most appealing option. He could have waited in bed for Dylan to hide in his room, never having to face him about whatever the fuck happened the night before. He could just rot in bed, without having to answer questions.
To add insult to injury, his stomach growled, asking for food. Jun groaned in frustration. His brilliant plan could have spared him some pride, if only that wouldn't mean starving himself to death. Nineteen hours had passed since his last meal and he really couldn't wait another. He sat on his bed, trying to find some courage. He should have just wandered into the kitchen, brewed himself a cup of coffee, grabbed whatever snack he could find, and slipped back into the easy banter with the two of them, the way he always did. There was no reason to let nerves get the better of him. He could have poked fun at Dylan, ruffled his feathers a little, all in the name of affection. Maybe flashed a grin at the stranger and melted the tension away. Simple, right? What could possibly have gone wrong?
Well, plenty, as it turned out. For starters, his reflection in the mirror was a disaster: wild brown hair in every direction, the aftermath of a sleepless night etched across his face. He wrestled with his hair, but it refused to be tamed. The shadows under his eyes were badges of exhaustion he didn’t bother to hide. All he could cling to was the flicker of courage burning in his chest - mostly driven by the insane crave for food. Surely, nothing could take that away, not if breakfast was involved. He drew a deep breath and stepped out of his room.
The scene he saw in front of his eyes made him choke. Dylan was sitting on the sofa. Well, no, Dylan was sitting on the guy's lap. The other’s big hand rested on the thin waist, under the loose t-shirt. That alone made him sick. It was like someone had punched him in the stomach. Even worse, their faces were horribly close. From where he was standing, he couldn’t see what the two were doing, but the sound of wet lips devouring each other didn't leave any room for doubt. Some clenching feeling obstructed his throat. He felt nauseous, as if he was about to throw up right in front of the - presumed - sweet scene. Suddenly, he saw red. He wanted to tear Dylan away from the other guy, kick the stranger out. He wanted to yell at him to never come back, leave his friend alone.
But he couldn't. His body was frozen, all he could do was shut his mouth, trying his best to catch a breath.
If the situation wasn’t embarrassing enough, he couldn’t contain a strangled whimper and helplessly started to cough. He felt two pairs of eyes land on him. The damage was done. Dylan jumped at the sudden noise. Dylan's expression was unreadable while he stared at Jun, who was desperately trying to catch his breath. The rapper hurried off the other’s body. That damn hand still clung to him, never leaving his skin. Jun wondered if his groupmate noticed that. An awkward silence filled the room - for a moment, everyone stayed still waiting for Jun to stop embarrassing himself.
“It’s early, I didn’t think you’d be up.” Dylan finally broke the silence. The brunette tried his best not to see the strong shade of red on his neck.
“It’s filming day," he lied. And the rapper knew, judging from the frown on his face.
“Oh, right”. At least Dylan had the grace not to discuss.
“Well, I’m getting coffee... Well, maybe it’s better if- uhm...” He glanced at the stranger sitting on his sofa, not knowing what to say. His mouth spoke before the brain could catch up. “Enjoy your breakfast!”
And with that, he bolted from the room, not giving anyone a chance to respond. As the front door clicked shut behind him, the only thing that lingered was the stranger’s unfamiliar laughter echoing in his ears.
“You did not say that”.
Po’s expression was flabbergasted, Thame just covered his eyes in second-hand embarrassment. They were sitting at the director's kitchen table, as Jun was staring at his caramel macchiato as if it expected it to be poisoned.
“Please, don't-”, the actor groaned.
He knew he had ruined the sweet couple’s plans, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry for them. He was in a serious emergency here. And after the initial shock, both Po and Thame had gladly accepted the coffee he had bought as an apology and exchanged a perplexed look. They had offered some sweets for breakfast, but suddenly his stomach seemed to reject any kind of food. Even the warm coffee in front of him was now getting cold. He was having breakfast with guilt that morning.
“Fuck, don’t look at me like that”. Jun covered his face in despair. “I fucked up so bad”.
“What the heck were you thinking?” Thame’s face was astonished. He paused a moment before bursting into laughter. Po - always so quiet - couldn’t contain a soft chuckle either.
“Leave me alone...” He groaned. “I should have choked to death.”
“Dramatic.” Po scoffed. “So, what are you going to do now?”
“Hide in here till noon and then try to sneak into my room without being noticed”. At that, the two hosts shared a look he couldn’t read. “What?”
“I meant about your feelings, Jun”. Po stressed the second-to-last word calmly, as if he were trying to approach some stray weary dog.
Jun felt his ears burn. He felt ashamed of being caught by his friends with those inappropriate emotions. He thought he had masked it well enough to get away with it and reflect on himself. Maybe he should have gone to therapy and handle whatever the fuck was going on inside his head.
“I am sorry, guys”. Jun didn’t dare to look them in the eyes. He just stared at his own hands, tormenting his cuticles. It was a bad habit he had since he was little. “It’s not like I knew... I’ve always hung out with you guys and had no problem at all. I’ll try to go to therapy and acknowledge what’s going on with me, so I can be a better person.”
A sigh, a small pause. Something held him back from pronouncing the last words. Shame, maybe. Or maybe the fear of judgment. Thame and Po were family to him. He trusted them with his life. But it’s not easy to tell your best friends you are such a fuck up. He couldn't understand his own reactions at the scene he witnessed. Yet, he had never had a problem with lovey-dovey couples. Thame and Po were the perfect proof. Of course, he would mock them. Of course, he would tease them to death whenever the two were caught with smitten eyes and holding hands secretly. He had never felt literally sick, though.
The young man couldn’t see the alarmed glance his friends shared. “I don’t want to be homophobic”.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Thame looked confused. Not mad, as Jun expected, but confused.
Jun didn’t miss Po’s hand holding the leader’s arm, as he tried to hold him back. The director’s face was just blank, no emotion in his eyes. That scared the troubled guy even more. Jun had stirred Po’s anger a lot back then, and he knew that whatever was going on was even worse. Only last year, when Po was crushing over a clueless Thame, Jun had tried his best to convince him not to confess to the leader. He even flirted a little, so sure the other was seeing things. Once Po had snapped and showed receipts. Chats, calling history, Thame’s selfies - everything to show off how he wasn’t imagining anything. But Jun just shrugged it off and called him “delulu”. Even then, Po had never shown that face.
“I’m sorry.” Jun hesitated.
“Jun, you’re bi”. Thame was still looking at him as he grew another head. The two of them had always been close, and, to Thame, Jun had no secrets. Even when he tried to keep things to himself, Thame was able to make him feel comfortable enough to share whatever troubled him. His sexuality was never a secret in the first place. “You flirted with Po. You didn’t look that disgusted with the sole idea of a homosexual relationship, back then. How could you be homophobic?”
“That was a long time ago. Plus, nothing really happened. Maybe I have some unresolved trauma?” He tried. His gaze landed on Po, who was still silent. For some reason, a shiver ran down his spine. “You guys weren’t there, I felt sick and so… angry. I was about to throw out the guy. I’m such a shitty friend”.
At that, Po snapped. He didn’t say anything. He just grabbed Thame’s face between his hands and kissed him. Deeply. Jun just stared at them without a word. Thame looked just as taken aback - he didn’t even have the time to realize what was going on, he just closed his eyes and responded to his lover's intense kiss. And with just that, their lips separated, leaving Thame breathless. His cheeks got violently red as he tried to mask his embarrassment with a light cough. His eyes still betrayed some disbelief, but Jun didn’t miss the small smile he sent in Po's direction.
He chuckled. “Did you enjoy your breakfast?”
“Dumbass”. Po’s voice was steady. “Now tell me, how did you feel?”
“About what?”
“Me kissing your best friend in front of you”. Oh. Now, that made a lot of sense.
“It was fun seeing Thame losing his shit,” he joked.
“Jackass”.
“If you were homophobic, don’t you think you’d feel the same disgust about us as well?” Po insisted, ignoring their bickering.
He got a point. Yet, the brunette couldn’t wrap his head around that feeling. It wasn’t simple discomfort, the awkward feeling that takes over when you see people doing private shit in public. What scared him the most was the real urge to intrude and separate them, the anger he could barely contain. He would have gladly punched the guy in the face. Maybe even asked Dylan to stop seeing him. He felt repulsed by the two of them. Yet, Po was right. Seeing the couple in front of him kissing passionately, he felt nothing. Of course, he felt nothing.
After realizing Thame had feelings for Po, Jun himself helped the leader flirt with the guy and get together. The couple had been hanging out at MARS’ apartment for a year already. And even when Thame moved to Po’s, they had always been around, never missing the chance to annoy the heck out of the singles in the room.
“Maybe I’m just used to seeing you”, he suggested. “You guys are like my parents”.
“First of all, hell no. I sure hope my child will be smarter than you”. Po sassed, and Thame never looked prouder. “Second, how does that make sense?”
“Nothing makes sense, Po. I’ve always known Dylan went on dates with guys. It was never a problem”.
“Why would he bring them to the house in the first place?” Thame’s tone was not accusing, just curious. Jun shrugged.
“Nano was out with his friend, Chay. Pepper had been staying at Gam’s a lot lately. Maybe he thought the house would be empty, since I was out filming”.
“Or maybe he never thought you would mind”. Po’s words hit him even deeper. Guilt rose in his stomach again.
He disappointed everyone. Po and Thame, who were so sure he was a good person. Dylan, who felt safe around him. He couldn’t even imagine how Pepper and Nano would have reacted to that news. And, lastly, he was disappointed in himself. He knew he would never win a Nobel Prize, but at least he tried his best not to be a piece of shit. He advocated for the LGBTQ+ community and kept updated about the feminist cause. He paid extra attention to recycling and not consuming too much plastic. Sometimes he even scolded Pepper, who often confused the bins. He couldn't deny that his bluntness had made it difficult for him to build friendships without passing off as a jerk, alongside his passion for nosying around his friends’ business. Yet, he knew none of his friends would say he was a bad guy. Well, maybe Dylan would say so - but all for the sake of teasing him. It was just their dynamic.
Since the training days, the two of them had been at each other's throats, with a very panicked Thame left to make them both reason. The problems had always occurred when they were left alone to sort out work matters. Back in the days, when the group was just born, the tension was so high that they couldn't exist in the same space without snapping at each other. From how much noise one put into eating soups, to discussing how to correctly pronounce some words for their latest comeback - everything was suitable for their bickerings. It didn't help either that Dylan felt an horrendous pride in calling out Jun's presumed intelligence. Whenever the brunette made a mistake, the rapper felt the urge to point it out, mocking him. That alone never failed to piss the actor off. Which was another thing Dylan seemed to take pride from. Things changed dramatically after a huge argument that led the two not to talk to each other for some days.
It was a resting day, and Jun was on the sofa of their old dorm, watching some cheesy Korean drama. He had always found himself interested in the acting field, wishing to see himself in cinemas, one day. Watching his seniors’ work was what he considered “doing homework”. He liked to explore different genres, styles and directions both out of curiosity and in hopes he could grasp a bit more of that world. As usual, he was sitting alone in the living room, munching loudly on some popcorn. Dylan was hiding in his room as always, probably listening to some emo music or producing something. Or so Jun thought. Instead, the other had quietly got out and was now standing beside the sofa, watching the show with him.
"Holy fuck, that was so lame", when the silver-haired guy spoke, Jun nearly jumped on his spot.
"When the hell did you get here?"
"I had the pleasure to see the male lead acting all tough and mysterious after saving the girl from the falling elevator", Dylan rolled his eyes.
"That was like 30 minutes ago!" Jun laughed. "If you're enjoying old K-dramas, you can just sit here with me."
It was a genuine invitation, but Dylan didn't miss the sarcastic remark. "You are the one watching that. What are you, twelve?"
"Yet, you stayed there standing for half an hour”. Jun didn't try to hide his chuckle. It was meant to be just some innocent teasing, but something went terribly wrong.
“I needed a break. Not my fault, you're wasting your time with this instead of helping prepare the performance for the valuation day”.
Something in Jun snapped. Maybe it was that disgusted look on the rapper’s face - a look that seemed reserved to him only. Or maybe he just couldn't shake off the feeling of being looked down upon. He just couldn't understand what he did to deserve that judgement. And at times, he just couldn't take it. That day was one of those times.
"Will you die if you don't talk shit for once?"
"You're the one who's talking shit!" Dylan hissed at the brunette. "You always try so hard looking smart and shit, but look at you now! Wasting the group's time when you could at least help me with the arrangements, as I asked you to."
"Are you being fucking serious, right now?" Jun's rage rose to levels he had never felt in his bones. He was trembling. "Whenever I fucking try to help you, you always scoff and roll your eyes. You never fail to point out how Thame would do that differently, how he is much better at finding creative resolutions. If you like Thame, confess and stop trying to drag me down!"
Dyaln had stood there in astonishment. Silence filled the room. The only noise was the muffled show still playing on TV. Jun realised his hand clenched in a fist.
"Fuck you." Dylan had mumbled before storming out of the room. A sense of guilt had immediately hit Jun, but he was young and all he knew about was his rage and pride. It had taken them several days of silent treatment and numerous interventions from the others before they could settle things. It took time and some tears for them to end that mess with the promise of trying their best to collaborate for the group's sake.
Jun blinked the memory away. It ran down his cheek in a tear-shaped form. Suddenly, he was back in time, disappointing Dylan all over again. Disrespecting him, even. His mind presented him with the memory of the hurt look on the rapper's face during that day's outburst, and he wondered if Dylan would feel the same way knowing he had felt disgusted with him kissing a boy. How could they come back from this? His lungs stopped working for a moment. How would they share the same table for breakfast every morning? Fuck, Jun didn't even know how he should have reacted the next morning. He and Dylan had fallen into this silly habit of spending time together during meals and he knew breakfast was Dylan's least favorite. The silver-haired boy resembled a cat not only in his looks, but also in his behaviors. He liked to sleep until late and just a proper breakfast could make him functional for the day. Jun couldn't even imagine how awkward the silence would be, the next day. Their silly bickering around the best toothpaste’s flavor would be replaced with nothing but the loud sound of disappointment. That was if Dylan would actually have got up to see him. Something in Jun broke. He suddenly was back to months later, not knowing if he could spend the day in the same space as Dylan. Except, this time Dylan was his favorite part of the day. Soon enough, the first tear was followed by another and another one. Po and Thame hurried to comfort him.
Jun refused to go home until late that night, scared he would have to face Dylan. When the door of Po's apartment finally closed, Thame sighed.
"I don't know if he's too insecure or just plain stupid", the director suddenly commented.
"He's not homophobic", Thame scratched his head in confusion. "I wonder how he could even think that".
"He just needs to acknowledge his feelings. I thought he knew he liked Dylan".
"Huh?" At Thame's confused expression. "Do you think he has feelings for Dyl, too?"
"Of course", Po started cleaning up the kitchen, while peacefully explaining. "He's been like this for months now. I just didn't know he was struggling realizing that. Let alone he would think that low of himself."
"Nano and Pepper say exactly the same thing. And now I think I can see that too. I couldn’t believe it at first, 'cause they've always been... quite complicated." Thame stated, starting to dry the dishes Po was cleaning.
"What do you mean?"
Thame scratched his head. "Well. They were unbearable. It looked like they couldn't just stop noticing every little mistake the other was making. Both are quite competitive and like to do things their own way. When one pointed something out, the other would get pissed and start making a scene." The leader sighed. "They just loved to mess with each other. I think it was all about having attention. People think they are the polar opposite, but..."
"They are in fact the same". Po agreed. "What happened, then? What changed?"
Thame shrugged. "I don't know. It was during our last year as trainees, though. They had a huge fight over something they refused to tell. It was so bad they wouldn't talk to each other. When I forced them to sit down and solve things, they exited that room with puffy eyes and awkward smiles." He chuckled remembering that day. The two boys were so pitiful the leader couldn’t even bring himself to tease them. "For a couple of days, they got all soft around each other, being so kind, we all thought they were possessed. Then, slowly, they fell back into normal. Sarcastic comments and silly arguments were back to being ordinary, but it never escalated like that again. Actually, they got really close. Watching stuff together, Dylan even started to teach Jun how to produce. Sometimes they were found cuddled on the sofa, getting all shy when caught."
"I remember walking into a similar scene one time." Po's laugh was soft as he remembered. "Dylan all cuddled up on Jun, who looked about to sleep while watching some american classic romcom."
"Yeah, sounds like them. It is way more peaceful." Thame sighed. "Or so it was until now."
Po shook his head. "I don't think they're going to fight like that. Jun was too concerned about hurting Dylan. He's suffering."
"What can we do?" Thame looked concerned.
"I don't know."
As days passed by, the air in MARS' house got thick. The night after that awkward encounter, Jun slept in and was late for filming - which was actually just half of a lie, since he hadn't got a good night sleeping for two days in a row. Dylan was - the actor could tell - a bit pissed for being ditched for their habitual breakfast, but shoved a cup of iced americano into his hands just a moment before the other rushed out of the front door. The caring gesture despite the blatant glare made Jun smile sheepishly. Dylan had a hard time calling it a coincidence when, that night, Jun refused to sit on the sofa with him for their daily K-drama episode. It was another habit for the both of them. Jun claimed it helped him relax before going to bed, but it was always Dylan who fell asleep on the sofa. That night, though, Jun claimed to be too tired even for that. Dylan accepted the excuse quietly, trying to give more credit to his brain rather than the discomfort growing in his chest. Jun had been on camera since 8am, after all, and that project was quite a big one. The director was known in the industry to be a perfectionist, and he didn't expect anything less from the cast actors. Even though he was delighted to cover such a great role, Dylan knew Jun suffered the pressure. He made a mental note to make a great breakfast for the next day, so that Jun would feel better for filming. He checked the schedule Jun gave him beforehand - another habit they both fell into. Jun would have needed to reach the filming set at 9.30am. He smiled at the thought. Finally they could have talked, and found a reason for the weird episodes from the day before.
The next morning, Dylan woke up early, smiling at himself. How nice of him to prepare pancakes and coffee for his friend. Since he was at it, he thought about making breakfast for all the group. Lately, Jun and him were the first to get up and Nano would follow shortly. Pepper slept more and more at Gam’s these days, but when he stayed he took his sweet time to join the table. The evening before, even Thame and Po decided to stay in the house. It was quite unique of them, but he didn't care much about the two lovebirds. Po usually got up early, but his presence wasn't a threat to Dylan. The rapper was confident his plan would have worked: framing Jun with pancakes, having his apology, teasing him a bit, then everything would have been solved. And everyone would have gained pancakes out of this.
He couldn't wait for them all to wake up and have breakfast together, like the old times. The rapper was in a good mood. His mind was totally silent while he flipped a slightly overcooked pancake with an old spatula. He wasn't a great cook. He just knew how to prepare comfort food to devour when he ran out of inspiration. Or, more accurately, he knew how to make Jun’s comfort food, so he wouldn't whine about not liking too much fish sauce in his rice.
"Wow, they look so nice!" Thame entered the kitchen with the biggest smile. Po followed. "You put some effort in there."
"What can I say? I'm an amazing friend."
"Don't brag, you brat", Thame pretended to slap his head, but the smile on his face showed a different emotion. "It's good to see you in a great mood."
"You know what would make me feel even better?"
"What?"
"If you stared at me less and set the table for everyone more, it would be just perfect." Dylan sassed. Po laughed lightly, hurrying to help his boyfriend with the place mats and plates. Dylan looked at the clock. It was 7.30am. Uncharacteristically, Jun wasn’t there. The rapper started to feel nervous, but he told himself that maybe he was overthinking that. He sighed. It was hard not to, but he knew that kind of behavior got both Jun and Dylan in trouble, in the past. He didn't want to see those fights repeat.
Soon, Nano and Pepper joined them in the kitchen, taking their place at the table. The place was engulfed in chaos. Nano was complaining about his friend ditching him to go with his crush, while Pepper was trying to help him, but giving the worst advice. Jun was nowhere to be found.
"Why would he ditch him in return? That doesn't make any sense", Po tried to argue. "Nano, you should tell him".
"But he's in the honeymoon phase! I feel guilty." He complained.
"It's important to spend time with friends, too. It is beneficial to the relationship to have some great time with friends. Chay will thank you one day", Thame commented.
"If you ditch him, he'll understand what it means!" Pepper insisted.
"You're talking like Dylan!" Nano rolled his eyes. At that moment, people noticed how silent the rapper was. That was not unusual, but something in the way Dylan was staring at his plate, without eating much of the very pancakes he cooked, was off. The smile that he had worn on his lips that morning was now replaced with a worried frown and stolen glances at the clock on the wall.
"Dyl?" Po tried.
"Huh?"
"You okay?"
"Do you perhaps know where Jun is? It's late, he should have been up by now."
Po exchanged a look with Thame.
"Jun left this morning at 6.30." Nano interrupted. "I was using the bathroom and I bumped into him".
Silence filled the room as Dylan's face got darker. He didn't say anything for a moment. No one did. Thame asked Nano if he knew where the actor was going, but everything ended with a shrug. "Probably on set".
"It's better we all eat his portion too, then."
Even Pepper, who had eaten five pancakes in a row, looked taken aback. Po shook his head a little. Thame sighed. Slowly, the topic changed, but Dylan's smile didn't appear again.
You're fucking up big time.
Jun read Thame's text with a pang of guilt. He knew what he was doing was childish and would have led to a much bigger conflict with Dylan. He just couldn't bring himself to talk about it, or to at least pretend nothing had happened. He wasn't ready. Apologizing wasn't necessarily the issue there; his feelings were. Anger and guilt mixed together in some lethal poison that was quickly consuming him. He didn't want to face Dylan ‘cause he didn't feel ready to face whatever his reactions meant. Whenever he closed his eyes, he still saw how the guy had clung to his best friend. The sole thought of them doing something intimate made him feel like something was crawling under his skin. And he didn't like that - he didn't like feeling so grossed out by the idea of his groupmate kissing someone. The worst part of this was that he couldn't tell anything to anyone without sounding like the biggest jerk on Earth - and rightfully so. He didn't know how to deal with himself.
He sighed again. He couldn't fight the headache that was creeping in.
“Do you want some?” Jun jumped in his spot on the sofa. He totally forgot Ploy, his co-star, was in the same room as him. He shook his head, thanking her with a forced smile. But the actress didn't seem to get fooled by it.
"Are you okay?"
Ploy was a petite girl, not much older than him. She was still wearing the school uniform from the scene before, daring to eat pad thai in it. She looked cute. The green skirt fit her slim waist perfectly. The folds fell graciously on her legs. The luxurious shirt carried the crest of the fictional private school that their characters attended. Despite her age, she could have passed for a teenage girl without any doubt. She looked just like a rich kid, but her real-life attitude was far from the cute little girl everyone witnessed on the set.
"Aren't you scared to stain it?" Jun asked, pointing at the uniform. Ploy shrugged.
"I'm too hungry", she excused herself, chewing a bite-sized shrimp. "So? What's bothering you so much that food can't fix it?"
Jun looked around. They were alone in the dressing room.
"Don't worry, everyone is out having lunch. We're alone here", she reassured him, while eagerly taking another bite. "Gosh, this is so yummy".
Jun chuckled. He liked Ploy. She was easy-going, always making quirky jokes and teasing him. They met just some months ago, but easily fell into some brother-and-sister dynamic. Their relationship was friendly, at that point, but it never required deeper conversations and TED talks. Even if Jun could easily see how Ploy would be good at those. Whenever she had an opinion, she didn't fail to voice it in the most polite but resolute manner. Jun respected her for that. As a young woman in the industry, she knew her way around people.
"It's complicated. And I don't want to be misunderstood..." Jun hesitated.
"I know you well enough to call you my friend, and you know me enough to know that if I thought you were some problematic prick, I would have cut you off without asking questions", she said, looking for another shrimp on her plate. "That said, it's up to you."
Jun trusted her. They weren't as close as he was to his group, but she definitely was someone he planned to keep in his friend circle. And he desperately needed a friend right now. Someone that asked questions without changing much opinion of him. Someone that wouldn't feel betrayed by his words.
"I have... this friend." He started. Ploy let go of her spoon. Her expression changed immediately to a serious one, encouraging him to go on. "He’s my best friend. We both had a rough start, but as years passed by, we grew closer and closer”.
A sad smile curved his lips. He told her everything: how he reacted, what he felt. The unexplainable anger that took off of him. He even said how Po kissed Thame in front of him to prove a point - at that, she reacted, nodding seriously.
“I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him either. I need to stop feeling that way. He doesn't deserve it, there’s absolutely no reason for me to feel like that”, he concluded.
“Well…” Ploy hesitated for a second. “There’s no easy way to say this. Sorry if I’m overstepping. The feeling you have seems to revolve around your friend alone. Are you sure you aren’t just jealous?”
“Jealous?” Jun looked perplexed. It wasn't like he had never considered the option, but somehow he ended up refusing it. He knew what a crush felt like - he had some before. He even fell in love with people. He remembered what it felt like starting the day looking for excuses to text them, and the disappointment when the conversation died out. Smiling at IG’s likes, and dog memes with silly captions - the joy of seeing the notification with their name on it. His feelings for Dylan… were they even close? They barely spent time apart, he didn't have time to miss him. Sometimes he even felt tired of hearing him cursing the company, and offered him his favorite food just for him to keep his mouth too busy to talk. After a good bowl of noodles and a donut, Dylan’s quiet smile was always back.
Jun shook his head.
“We are nothing like a couple. We bicker all the time, always waiting to compete on something. He enjoys seeing me in despair". The thought made him chuckle. Maybe Thame was right, maybe the two of them were way more similar than they could have thought.
“Okay, let's dive into it.” Ploy moved her chair in front of him. Jun suddenly felt the urge to sit still. “What did you feel when you had a crush before?”
Jun blushed a little. “I feel the urge to do something for them.”
“For example?”
“I want to make their day as easy as possible. It could be housework, or even some help with their job. I could do anything, as long as I notice they’d be happy.” Jun explained.
“And did you ever do that for that friend?”
The actor paused to think. “I sometimes make the dishes for him when we eat together, but it’s out of courtesy, my mom taught me well”. The half-joke fell flat. The girl didn't seem in the mood.
“Do you do that for your other friends as well?”
“Well, I don't, but I rarely eat with the others.”
“Why?”
Jun didn't have a logical explanation for that. Sometimes they all had different schedules, but it happened that Nano or Pepper were home at the same time as him. And if someone didn't ask, they all just ate by themselves, bumping into each other in the kitchen and occasionally eating at the same table. The only exception was, of course, Dylan. They often made plans for that, cooking the same food or ordering from the same restaurant. They texted each other, waited for each other. Dylan even had his film schedule to make sure they'd see each other for breakfast. It was just out of habit, a routine that easily became too comfortable to change. Jun liked the days he had to share with Dylan. He didn't see any reason to change it.
“I don't know”, he finally replied.
“Okay. What else would you do for your crush?”
“I'd find time for them”, as soon as those words left his mouth, something in his mind switched. He did try his best to spend his free time with Dylan. When the comebacks were near, he would spend his free time in the rapper’s room, helping him produce songs and learning from him. He repeated himself that it was for work, but he knew that was a lie. There was no need, and no one ever asked him to do that. Not even Dylan. It was for him just normal to ask, as if it was an effort he was willing to do in order to get closer to Dylan. To have more time with him.
Jun hesitated.
“I can see your brain making an effort”, Ploy smirked. She was enjoying his suffering - maybe she was not that different from Dylan himself. “Spill the tea”.
“I spend a lot of time with him. And it's not all about work”, he confessed. As he said it, suddenly he felt the urge to text the other, to hear from him. Something in Jun just switched. The pain in his chest now assumed a new name - nostalgia. He missed Dylan.
“Even after schedules or filming days, we hang out in the living room or in his room. No matter how tired we are. We don't do much, watch movies mostly. Sometimes we talk a lot about music and what sounds inspirational to us. He's a huge anime nerd, so sometimes we discuss that too”.
Ploy looked content with the answer. But that didn't stop her from asking further. “What if he did the same things with the guy you saw? What if they were in his room, cuddling and having a deep conversation about the best anime of all time?”
“It's One Piece, in his opinion”.
“Not relevant. How would you feel about that?” Ploy sassed, taking a sip of her jasmine tea.
Something in Jun’s stomach churned. Here it was. The pang of pain, of discomfort. He couldn't refrain from stiffening his body. Suddenly, he couldn't look at his friend. He felt so uncomfortable.
“Would that mean the guy is replacing me?” he asked, unsure.
“Why would you feel like that?” Ploy frowned. “It's just anime”.
“No, it's not. It's Dylan's passion”. The answer came out stronger than he meant to. At that, Ploy nodded. Jun noticed how she was still smiling.
“And if he did that with a friend of yours? Let's say, your best friend you talked about before, the one in a relationship”.
Thame. He tried to imagine Thame and Dylan talking about anime, hidden in the rapper's room. Probably something like that has happened before. Thame would lean on the desk, while Dylan would sit on his bed, with his legs crossed. They'd be enjoying their time together, but it was just normal. They had been friends even before Jun had come into the picture.
“Thame wouldn't dare to touch him like that guy did”, he mumbled. Then he realized. And Ploy did too.
“Congrats, you have the fattest crush on your best friend. Don't even try to deny it, that would be embarrassing." Ploy looked visibly excited. She was smiling happily, and Jun couldn’t tell if it was out of pride for proving her point or out of some shipper behavior. Her words stuck with him. Did he have a crush on Dylan? Did he feel possessive over him? He supposed that could be. But it was the case… that would open another issue: what would Dylan have said about that? And if Ploy was wrong and that was all a huge misunderstanding… would it hurt anyone in the group, other than himself? He felt like he needed to stay alone for a while. Figure it out. Figure himself out.
“You’re overthinking.” Ploy became serious again. “Don’t do that shit.”
“What should I do then?” Exasperated, he let out another sigh. “I feel like my head is going to explode”.
“Dive that feeling”, the girl replied, simply. “Let yourself feel, other than think”.
She took a long sip from the cup, emptying it. He was about to ask more, but the manager interrupted them.
“Jun, hurry up, we’re starting your lines’ rehearsal in 30 minutes”.
The actor just nodded. “Ploy, I owe you a good meal”.
“Can I bring my girlfriend?” The irreverent smile made the other laugh for the first time that morning.
When Jun came back home that day, he found the living room’s lights on. Just like the day he found Dylan and his date on the sofa, watching TV. Anxiety took over him. For a moment he surprised himself contemplating the option of running away, not wanting to intrude in Dylan's date again. What a coward, he sighed. He needed time, but he needed to settle things up too. He would have asked Dylan for it. He needed to feel safe again in his best friend’s company. As he opened the door, all he found was silence. It was 2 am, probably everyone was sleeping. The muffled buzz of the old fridge in the kitchen filled in. On the sofa, Dylan was asleep. He was curled in a fetal position, with the head resting uncomfortably on a pillow. He was hugging his own body so tightly that Jun couldn’t help but give in to the soft expression on his friend’s face. He took the folded blanket on the armchair - knowing the rapper was probably too lazy to get up and take it himself - and covered him gently. He took his time to stare at him.
The lips were pursed together, and a frown troubled his eyebrows. Jun adjusted the uncombed silver hair, keeping it away from the rapper’s face. He was close enough to see how those soft cheeks looked stained.
“You’ve been crying…” Guilt was devouring him alive. Was he crying for him? It was just two days, but he knew how lonely Dylan felt sometimes. Was that absence so painful to him? Did he notice it was intentional? Or maybe something else happened? Maybe his date from the other night ditched him, or maybe they did something to him. The sole thought was enough to make him angry. Suddenly, he felt the urge to stay there, by his side. He sat on the floor, as near to him as possible. Hands refused to leave the others’ hair. He just kept on caressing him, sweetly, softly.
Time got fluid. Seconds poured placidly into the world’s hourglass. And thoughts gained the same consistency. Thick, wet words and memories, dropping into his mind, forming images and phrases Jun couldn’t even understand anymore. His own reactions, his own feelings, suddenly, were tangled together in this confusing knot he didn't even know how to unravel. He was unsure even of what drove his own actions. Everything around him felt still, and so he was - stuck in his own mind. The latest events were crowding his head. He wondered if he could be a good choice for Dylan. If he were the one who could make him happy. They sure bickered a lot. Even if sometimes the rapper tried his best to annoy him, Jun never felt like their unique bond was ruined by that. If anything, it was enriched with their humor. They played around, tiptoeing around each other's boundaries. But they learnt not to cross them. It required time and deep talks, but they did it. Would his alleged crush change anything?
He imagined Dylan dating someone. The thought made his heart skip a beat. He felt bad knowing he wouldn't be able to rejoice with his friend if that happened. He would be disgusted and uncomfortable. He would feel mad and annoyed. Like the other day.
“I’m sorry, Dyl”, he surprised himself muttering.
“...Jun?” A soft voice suddenly woke him up from his state. The small eyes, a few centimeters from his own, opened. Dylan's voice sounded like a sleepy mumble. Jun smiled softly.
“I didn't want to wake you up.”
“I'm angry with you”, the rapper replied instead, but he didn't act up. He just closed his eyes again, like a cat ready to get more cuddles. Jun, on the other hand, didn't stop caressing the silver locks. “You've been ghosting me”.
“I'm sorry, Dyl. I'm genuinely so sorry”, those often reassuring eyes stared at Dylan with guilt.
“I don't understand”, the rapper continued. But his eyes were still closed. A half smile painted on his lips as Jun's hand dared to caress his cheek.
“Let’s talk in the morning”, the brunette promised. “Let's get you to bed, now”.
“Can I sleep with you?”
“Of course”, two words that took all of Jun's strength to pronounce.
The first thing Dylan noticed when he woke up was how different the mattress under him felt. He loved his comfy bed, with soft blankets and even a couple of Kuromi plushies that fans had gifted him. As much as the bed he was in was comfortable, it wasn't his. First of all, it was cold. And his room was never cold. He spent so much time there, the least he could ask for was for it to have all the comforts he needed. And he wanted it to be cozy.
Another thing was the scent. It wasn't the familiar stale coffee scent of his own space. His relationship with coffee was at this point almost a dependency and it didn't pass a day without Nano remembering him. The younger hated with burning passion that habit of his to bring mugs in his room and leave them on the desk, with the result of the whole room smelling like a cheap cafeteria. Instead, he felt a rich soft scent of caramel and vanilla. His first instinct was to cuddle in that scent for a bit longer.
Jun.
Memories from the night before hit him. He was waiting for Jun, ready to face him about the avoidant behavior. He had his speech clear in his mind. He knew exactly what to say, and he even tried to remind himself to control the tone. He was pissed, but he was there to have his friend back. Not to fight even more. As time passed, though, tiredness got the better of him. He thought he’d be asleep for just a few minutes, but ended up in Jun’s bed before his two brain cells could function properly. And for sleep-drunk Dylan, having a nice night of sleep next to his best friend was enough.
It was not enough for awake-and-alone Dylan, though. He got up quickly and didn’t even bother changing clothes. He needed to say something, and he could have done that in his pajamas.
He found Jun in the kitchen, sipping the coffee he prepared for himself. Dylan tried to ignore how there was no mug for him; uncharacteristically, Jun seemed to forget about his breakfast. As soon as the brunette saw him, something switched in his eyes. If he didn’t know Jun enough, he would have thought it was fear. Maybe guilt. He remembered spotting something similar in the actor’s gaze just the night before.
“You are avoiding me”, the silver-haired tone was accusing. Suddenly, all the reasonable and calm speech he had prepared was pointless. Jun was cutting him off intentionally. The night before was a clear confession. Yet, there was no breakfast to share that morning. Jun looked taken aback. He wasn't confused, just surprised. He didn't ask questions, seemingly able to connect the dots by himself.
Jun hesitated. “Thame told me about yesterday morning. I didn't mean to ditch you, but filming has been slow these days, and we fell back on track. I needed to be there early”.
“And I guess it would have killed you to tell me, without leaving me waiting”, Dylan sassed as he got closer to him. He looked furious. Jun stayed silent, his eyes unreadable. The lack of reaction made the rapper even more mad. “What about the day before? And the day before that? Fuck, you didn't even have a schedule that day. Yet you disappeared until late at night. Guess who had been up waiting for you.”
Jun lowered his gaze. Suddenly he looked fragile, as if he was hiding something. Dylan wondered if there could be something worth losing their friendship to. To him, the answer was clear. Losing Jun was not an option. Under any circumstances. Something similar seemed going on in Jun's brain as well. The brunette’s eyes looked different now. There was a gentle spark in them, as if he was trying his best to use the right words.
“It felt awkward being around after the incident”, Jun confessed. He looked frustrated. A hand went through his hair, messing it up. “I know I messed up, okay? It's just I didn't know how to act.”
“So you decided to just avoid me, right?” the rapper pressed. When silence filled the room again, he sighed. He had to remind himself not to get too hotheaded. He was there to talk it out, not to win. “I need you to guide me through your thought process.”
Jun looked at him like he had grown another head. The silver-haired guy knew what the other was thinking. Those were some rare words to hear him say, and they utterly meant two things. First, Dylan was getting really pissed off. Second, if they didn't solve things that very morning, everything would have gotten bad enough to make them all regret that infamous fight.
Jun sighed.
“I know nothing makes sense”, he started, cautiously. “When I got home that day, I just wanted to stay on the sofa, watch something with you, and go to bed. That was my plan. But when I saw you with that guy, I just… I don't know, I guess I was just surprised. I wasn't expecting that. And when I rushed to my room, I felt guilty.”
He paused and stared at the other. It was evident he wanted to say something, but instead chose to stay quiet. Jun continued.
“The next day, I wanted to play it cool. Having breakfast together, maybe teasing you guys a bit about the incident, and, of course, apologizing. But I guess I got another surprise. Nothing went as I planned. I didn't want to avoid you, but how am I supposed to look at you without feeling the worst friend on Earth?”
Dylan stared at him without sharing a word. His head, though, was filled with thoughts. Something in Jun's speech didn't make any sense, and he knew exactly what it was. The actor never had problems with people. He wasn't one to get social anxiety over an awkward situation. The rapper knew that the situation wasn't exactly ideal, but how did it come to the point that Jun was feeling awkward around him?
“I've been by your side while you were so sick, you couldn't even stand. And I was the one who took care of you when you got drunk at Pepper's last birthday party. I washed you up and even changed your clothes. The next day, you always apologized and offered me a meal to pay off”. He watched color draining from Jun's face. The question came out of his mouth coldly. It was nothing but the obvious truth. “Either you are way more of a prude than I took you to be, or that doesn't make any sense. How is that incident such a big deal to you?”
As cruel as it might sound, Dylan knew. He knew everything about his feelings for Jun. He had been trying to get over him, having a bunch of dates with guys. And he knew the other was aware where he was going those nights he went out and didn't come back home. It had been like that since the day Po and Thame got together, the day ONER lifted the date ban. And it had worked, for a while. But then, Jun would start to pull him back in with his dimples and his fucked up humor. His invitations to watch sappy TV shows together he secretly loved. They fell into their routine, and Dylan fell for his best friend.
Dylan knew about his own feelings. But Jun's speech, as nonsensical as it was, made him feel something he had never felt. Hope.
Jun sounded jealous. The situation he just described was all about him expecting time with him, but getting disappointed. What else could explain the sudden inability to get over some kissing? Jun was not that innocent. Hell, no one in the group was.
“I don't know… I was just awkward”, Jun was lying again. “I never saw you like that before.”
“So, the problem is just about you witnessing me having a date?” Dylan frowned. It wasn't the answer he was expecting.
“I guess so”. At that, two hearts broke in sync, both unaware of the other.
“Everything will be fine if I spend the night at theirs?” The rapper pressed. More and more disappointed in himself, in his silly heart.
“Yes”.
“Okay”. Dylan turned his back on him, masking his own tears. He didn't want to show himself crying over some silly expectations. He didn't want to cry over Jun.
“Dyl”, Jun called him back, and the rapper barely turned his head. “The guy… is he your boyfriend yet?”
“I don't think you're in the right position to ask that”. Unexpected rage exploded in his chest. He didn't know to whom it was directed. He stormed out of the chicken, into his room. He barely made it there when he started sobbing.
Days passed, and Jun was barely able to breathe, while the last Qs of filming left him with little to no energy. The only steady factor in his life was getting home, knowing Dylan wasn't going to be there. Since the last argument, their friendship had frozen up. And Jun was left with this huge sense of emptiness. He had been vague during that discussion. It wasn’t that he wanted to lie, or even to deny his own feelings. He just needed time to process, to understand what was going on with him. Everything had been too sudden for him. He believed himself to be a homophobe, just to find out there was a remote possibility that those feelings were something entirely different. And if he had any doubt about what he thought of Dylan, it had all vanished the day the rapper just disappeared from his life.
“Out of sight, out of mind”, his mother used to say.
What a bunch of crap, he would have replied. The silver-haired guy had been ghosting him for days now. Whenever he came home from filming, he was not on the sofa, waiting for him anymore. Instead, he was hidden in his room. Other times, Nano had the grace to text him just to let him know, without any apparent reason, that Dylan would have spent the night out. And that was enough to fuck Jun’s mind majorly. Those texts were enough to make him spend the night sleepless, wondering who the hell was touching his best friend. What were they doing? Was it a boyfriend or some casual date? At times, the remembrance of that hand caressing Dylan’s waist would make him feel so sick he thought of calling in sick from work. Too bad “pining” wasn’t a real excuse to make everyone skip a day of filming.
The truth was, he missed his best friend. Even more, he missed his partner in crime. The one he would spend the day bickering with about the right recipe for a good Pad Thai, just to end up cuddling on the couch after dinner. He missed the scent of stale coffee and their light laughs in the morning. He wanted everything back, but had no idea how to get it. Texts ended up with no answer at all. No knocking ever did him any good. The recorded voicemail replied to any of his calls.
“Hey, Jun”, when Thame entered the kitchen it was barely 9am. Filming wrapped up the day before, but all hopes of a good night sleeping had remained vain. “You look like crap”.
“Jeez, thanks, mate”. Jun replied sarcastically, but in his voice the usual quirk was missing. No amount of coffee would have helped him either and he knew.
“Have you had any sleep recently?”
Jun shook his head. “I had been waiting to bump into Dylan coming back home, but…”
“But?” Thame urged.
“I fell asleep on the couch when I knew he was out. When I knew he was here, I tried knocking on his door, but he completely shut me out. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me”. Thame stared at him, his eyes full of sympathy. Jun hated that. “Please, don’t look at me like that”. He begged, leaning his forehead on the table.
“Like what?”
“Like you pity me for digging my own grave”, Jun complained. “I know I fucked up. I was confused, I messed everything up, and now I lost the only person I wanted to keep on my side”.
“Are we talking about Dylan?” Thame specified. The other glanced at him stupidly. That was such a meaningless question - he was too tired to put up with this.
“Of course, we’re talking about Dylan.” Jun sassed. “Who fucking else would make me this pissed…”
“So now you know?” Thame pressed. For some reason, he looked nervous. “Did you figure out your feelings?”
The muffled noise of the front door interrupted their conversation. Jun’s heart jumped into his chest. The leader noticed the switch in him and hurried to say.
“That’s Po. Dylan is in his room”, a soft smile caressed his lips. The brunette felt incredibly stupid. With a groan, he leaned on the table again, with a loud thump. “Did you confess?”
“How could I? The fucker won’t talk to me. He ghosted me. It has been so bad I started to think he was just a hallucination”, he was pissed. He was mad at Dylan for making him so pitiful. Mad at himself for being so whipped. Mad at Nano for letting him know when the rapper was out sleeping around. Mad at Thame and his stupid questions.
“Do you love him?” here it was another. What was he going to reply? Of course. Of-fucking-course he loved him. He loved him so much he had been losing sleep. He loved him so much that coffee wasn’t even that good without him. He was so utterly whipped for that fucking guy he wanted to cry, but he was too tired to do that. He wanted to scream at him, but most of all he wanted to kiss him stupid and cage him in his room and tell him that no fucking way he was going to have that fucking guy’s hand all over him. He was going insane. The worst of all was the feeling he had no fucking right to ask Dylan to stay with him. He had no right to confess either. What if Dylan was in a relationship? What if the confession would fucked up the last hope to have back his best friend?
He sighed.
“Yeah, I love him”.
“What?” but it wasn’t the leader’s voice. Jun lifted his head, his eyes wide open as he noticed who was on the kitchen’s door. Thame was right, his boyfriend, Po, was there. But he wasn’t alone.
“What the fuck does that mean, Jun?” Dylan looked pissed. Jun froze. He was still.
“I…”, was everything he could say. But the rapper looked even more furious.
“Don’t you fucking dare to say you’re sorry”, he hissed. “Did you mean it?”
“Dylan”, Po’s voice was a whisper. His hand started caressing the other’s arm. “Dylan, you need to calm down.”
“You wanted me to hear this, Po.” he snapped. But his attention was soon enough on Jun again. “I asked a question, Jun. I want an answer”.
“Yeah. I love you”. Cornered, nothing else mattered. He confessed just like that. His focus was so steady on Dylan, he almost missed the soft smile from Po.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“How the fuck was I supposed to do it?” Jun snapped just as hard. His voice rose, surprising everyone. “I fucking waited up for you every night, even after working. I knocked, texted, called. What else did you want me to do? Wasn’t it clear enough that I needed to talk to you?”
Dylan stayed silent. Jun scoffed. The noise must have woken up both Pepper and Nano, as Jun heard their steps and voices in the hallway. Po stopped them from intruding.
“You know what drives me crazy?” Jun went on. Physical exhaustion wasn’t as strong as mental tiredness. “You had every right to be pissed at me. I was a coward. I needed time because I was so messed up, but I ended up making another, way bigger, mess. You cornered me, and I let you. I fucking let you, ‘cause you deserved answers. Then, tables turned. Your behavior is not better than mine, but at least I had the balls to admit that.”
“I asked questions. It was your choice not to be truthful”, the silver haired guy wasn’t having any of that.
“And I regretted that as soon as I got my answers!” Rage and frustration melted in his heart in one feeling he couldn’t even name. His hands were visibly shaking as he didn’t know how to make himself heard. “I couldn’t just tell you how much fucked up I was. I couldn’t bring myself to fuck it up even more, when I wasn’t sure of anything.”
“You should have told me!”
“I know!” That's when physical exhaustion took the best of him. He crumbled.
Tears started running across his face, without letting him any chance to hold them back. It was like his body gave up. Head started spinning so hard, he had to lean to the table. No matter how small, that gesture didn't go unnoticed to Po.
“Jun.” he called. The director was next to him in seconds. There was caution in his eye, but the stray he was approaching had no more
of it in him to fight. “Jun, let's go to rest.”
Jun nodded. Dylan moved a little, making space for him to pass. His hand reached out to Jun's. His silky fingers grabbed the other's, but didn't tighten the hold. Jun flinched, realizing how much he had missed those hands.
“Dylan”, Thame called out.
“We'll talk it out after you wake up. I promise, I won't hide”. The silver-haired stared at him softly. Something in him switched. Jun didn't know if this was because of his words, or if the breakdown made him even more pitiful. Jun took a mental note to ask later. Instead, he nodded quietly, and let Po lead him to his own room.
“Rest. Everything is going to be okay”, the older assured.
“Thank you, Po”. The other nodded, leaving him alone.
For the first time in a while, he fell into a dreamless sleep.
When Jun woke up, the first thing he noticed was the soft scent of food coming from the kitchen. The sunlight was timidly filtering through the curtains. It was afternoon - as his phone confirmed later. The scent got stronger and stronger, with a hint of burnt.
He smiled softly. When Nano made pancakes, they were perfectly cooked - they would have made a great “morning aesthetic” post for Pinterest. They would melt in your mouth, and taste like you'd expect happiness itself to taste like. Dylan liked things a bit sharp around the edges. His cooking was limited to a few dishes. It wasn't bad, but it was far from perfect. And that made it unique to Jun's palate. His basil stir-fry rice had an insane amount of garlic. Not to mention the Tom Yum he had made once. There had been so much fish sauce in that that it was almost inedible.
Most importantly, Dylan liked pancakes a bit burnt. Sometimes they were a bit dry and you needed to chew several times before you could swallow one bite. They always had this dark color, and the taste was slightly bitter. Those breakfasts were Jun's favorite.
When he went to the kitchen, he saw Dylan. Next to him, a plate with enough pancakes to feed a football team.
“Are you inviting your whole contact list over?” Jun tried. He didn't like things between them being so tense. He wanted Dylan back. He missed him.
“Are you going to make a joke about how that'd include MARS’, Po and no one else?” Jun could tell Dylan rolled his eyes, even if he was giving him his back while setting up the last pancake on the top of that tower.
“It's no fun if you know the punchline”.
“You should renew your repertory”, Dylan took a couple of plates from the cupboard, and set the table for two. He even took Jun's favorite jam from the fridge as it was a natural gesture. Then, as if he realized too late what he was doing, he hesitated. “I thought you might be hungry.”
Jun nodded. “I am.” He smiled a little. Anyone could have said that Dylan was trying. He didn't order any junk food for him. He didn't serve him his lunch left overs. He cooked their favorite breakfast. Jun didn't know if it was intentional or if it was just how Dylan's mind worked. He liked it either way.
“Are you feeling better?” the rapper asked as he spread chocolate cream on his pancake. “You slept a lot”.
“Yeah… I can't recall the last time I had a full night's sleep”, Jun admitted as he took the first bite. “These are good. Thank you.”
Dylan smiled a little and nodded. Jun’s heart rejoiced at that. They ate in silence for a few minutes as Jun devoured the food in front of him.
“Jun…” Dylan suddenly started. “I'm sorry.”
The brunette looked at him. Dylan had his eyes lowered on his plate, the fork still in hand.
“It's okay, I'm sorry too. I should have told you everything in the first place. I was just scared you'd hate me”, Jun tried to explain himself as the chance was given. He sighed. “I thought I was being homophobic. It took me some time to realize it was not it.”
“Homophobic?” Dylan struggled to hide his smile. “Are you for real?”
“Yep”, Jun laughed softly. “I realize now how dumb of me it was. But I just couldn't figure out why I would feel so irritated with that guy touching you, and I felt like I wanted to throw up, and-” He paused. Panic rose in him. “I’m sorry about that. If you want to date him, you can of course. I just need time to cope with everything, then you can invite him over-”
“I have no intention of dating him”, Dylan admitted. “We were just sleeping together. And I ended things with him this morning.”
Jun looked at him. His hands were aching to adjust the silver hairslock that fell in front of the other's eyes. He couldn't help but to feel relieved. Dylan was not dating anyone. He ended things with the guy.
“Are you sure now?” the rapper asked suddenly. “About your feelings?”
“I am”, it took some courage to admit that. “And I don't know how to make them pass.”
“What if I don't want them to?” Dylan was now looking at him. His stare was dense, Jun couldn't tell what he was thinking. “What if I want you to keep them and act on them?”
“What do you mean?”. Dylan almost gave in to those pleading eyes. They were begging not to be deceived, not to be played with. But Dylan wasn't playing.
“It’s just-”, Dylan hesitated. “Would you try out things with me?”
Jun’s heart was jumping in his chest, screaming for attention. Everything in him was pleading for them to be something. Not necessarily a couple right away, just something. Something very much exclusive.
“Do you feel something too?”
Dylan blushed violently. And then nodded.
The smile on Jun's face was bright as the sun itself. His dimples were showing fiercely, making the other look like the cutest beagle. His eyes opened wide, as his brain tried to process that sweet surprise. Dylan still could read their surprise into them. He looked at the other's skin slowly changing tone, assuming a light red color.
Dylan couldn't help but smile back at him.
It was 1 a.m. when Po decided to go back home. Thame - who was still whining - had to go to work early the next day, while the director was planning to sleep in. As he entered the living room of MARS’ house, he couldn’t help but notice the tv was still on. On the sofa, Jun was sleeping soundly - in his arms Dylan was staring dumbly at him.
“You look stuck”, Po commented, a tender expression on his face. Dylan gifted him one of his rare smiles.
“I am, pretty much, yeah”.
“Why don’t you wake him up?”
“He’s annoying, it’s more peaceful when he’s asleep”, the tone was serious, but something in the rapper’s eyes shifted. Po greeted him goodbye as he crossed the room. Right before closing the door behind him, he saw Dylan leaving a small kiss on Jun’s lips - waking him up.