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He could barely see anything, because it was dark. It has to be dark, as dark as possible, so mom will think they are sleeping. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night because she is thirsty or needs to use the bathroom, then Sae should stop so he does not make noise. But Sae never stops, not even when he promised he would.
“Nii-chan, I’m sleepy.”
“Wait, I’m almost done.”
Rin sighed, uneven. He'd already finished, and Sae had too, but he always wants to do it again. He's really tired, but Nii-chan wants to keep rubbing. It's not that he feels bad, but it's not something he wants to do all the time. Rin doesn't know why, but it's a little uncomfortable for him too. Nii-chan can't know that; according to him, it feels good, and Rin agrees, but not entirely.
He had dissociated a little, but that ended as soon as he heard footsteps outside the room. He let out a startled gasp and looked at Sae. He had noticed too, but he did not seem too worried.
“Kids, are you still awake?” That sounded very close to the door.
Rin’s first instinct was to push Sae away with his hands, but Sae grabbed them and slammed them against the bed. Rin wanted to look at him in annoyance. Isn’t he allowed to? Because of Sae he always sleeps late and gets sleepy at school. Also, even though Rin does not fully understand what all this means, there is one thing he does know, they should not be doing it, that is why Sae does not want their mother to know. Rin sometimes wonders what would happen if he told her. Would she stop Sae, would she explain why this is wrong.
“Mom is there.”
“Be quiet.”
Rin felt a stronger pressure. Sae pressed his hands against the pillow. Rin looked back at the door, is she going to open it?
“Kids?” Right after that word, he heard a long exhale from Sae.
Finally it ended.
“What do you want, mom?” Sae said.
“…”
That silence was intimidating, even without seeing her. Maybe she realized. Maybe she is finally going to scold them. Maybe she will put them in separate rooms. Rin looked at Sae again, he looked as bored as always, not worried at all.
“Go to sleep already.” That was all, she left.
Rin does not know why, but he let out a sigh of relief. Should he feel relieved that this will continue? He is wet and awake at one in the morning. Until recently he believed he was grown enough to stay up late like Sae, but he did not think it would be like this. He does not think that anymore, he wants to sleep now.
Sae laughed and lay down beside him.
“That was close, huh?” Can you guess, no, he is not worried. Rin sighed, there is no point arguing.
“You said mom could not find out, and today she almost did.”
“Don’t be stupid, Rin.”
Stupid, he is stupid. Sae is the one who risks it every time. Rin does not even know why he keeps the secret. Just because it feels good sometimes, maybe, but it is still uncomfortable, and he does not want to stay up late anymore. He likes being with Sae. He likes seeing him smile, because he never does. He smiles in the strangest situations, ones where Rin could not smile, but a smile is something good, right. Making your brother laugh is good, even if Rin cannot laugh right now.
He has had enough, they are always hiding things from their mother, and even if the mischief is fun, she is supposed to be the one who knows what to do in these situations. He will tell her, after all, what is the worst that could happen, sleeping in the dusty unused room, that is fine, he can handle it. He frowned and looked at Sae. He has never threatened him, at least not seriously, but Sae always controls everything, it is only fair.
“She already knows.”
His frown did not last long.
Anyway it was stupid to think he could move away from Sae. What was he thinking, why should he. He is his brother, and he loves him. Brothers love each other. If brothers love each other then it is okay to do those things that Sae says feel so good.
Rin feels stupid now. While he feels that way Sae drapes an arm over him and pulls him to his chest.
He closes his eyes and sighs. He can finally sleep.
“Nii-chan, will you give me a kiss?”
Sae pulls back a little. He looks surprised. Rin feels embarrassed for what he just said. Sae smiles.
“Where?”
“Uh… like the ones grown ups give each other outside.”
Sae blinks.
“Are you serious?” Maybe he should not have said anything.
“Forget it.” But Sae put a hand over his eyes. “Hey..." And he felt a pressure on her lips. It wasn't a big deal. Sae pulled away quickly.
“You are too little for tongue ones.”
• • •
Seeing that crest on the screen felt, strange. Not bad, but definitely strange. He risked a goal in such an selfish way that nobody saw it coming, but it was a good goal, it had to be, so they would focus on him instead of how risky his play was.
Even so, Rin cares more about what he thinks. He will know soon. The old men finished talking and told him where his apartment is. He does not need a car, so he walks. He reaches a huge building, one of those apartments is Sae’s, specifically the one on the damn sixth floor.
Well, he has to get used to it anyway, he will be sleeping there most days from now on. He told himself that to stay motivated while climbing each step with his suitcase until he reached the number they gave him. He pressed the bell and, nothing.
“Nii-chan.” Still nothing. “Open up, you damn nympho!”
The door opened.
“Can you stop yelling?”
“I doubt anyone understands me anyway.”
“Just come in.” Rin did. The inside was as luxurious and spacious as expected, with floor to ceiling windows showing the city. That gives him some anxiety.
He left his suitcase and sat on the couch with a sigh. He can relax now, although with Sae you never know.
“You took your time,” he hears.
“I don’t know if you’re aware, mister genius, but it’s not that easy to get an offer from the best club in the world.”
“It was for me.”
“Go to hell.” Good, things will not be different.
“Hey Rin.”
“What?” Rin glanced at him. Sae was not looking at him, same expression as always.
“That goal, it was good.”
Sae said nothing else after that. He just stood there, leaning on the hallway doorframe, arms crossed, gaze lost somewhere in the apartment.
Rin watched him for a few seconds. He always did that. Said something important and then hid behind his neutral face like nothing happened.
Rin stood up and walked to him. Without saying anything, he gently took his arm and tugged a little.
“Come.”
“Where…?” Sae managed to say, but did not resist.
Rin led him back to the couch and sat first, then pulled him down onto his lap. Sae made a small surprised sound but did not protest. He settled quickly, resting part of his weight on Rin’s chest.
His hands moved on their own, one on Sae’s back, the other on his waist. Sae lifted his face and looked at him silently for a second, before leaning closer.
The kiss was soft at first. Almost shy.
Then it grew longer, slower. Sae placed a hand on Rin’s neck, and Rin held him a bit closer. Their lips parted and met again, unhurried.
“Hm…” Sae sighed against his mouth.
Rin barely smiled and slid his hand along his side.
“Stop making weird noises.” He said, but he kissed him again.
Sae began to settle more comfortably in Rin's lap, shifting slightly, a little too comfortably. His fingers slipped under Rin's shirt, touching his warm skin.
Rin tensed slightly.
“Hey…”
“What?” Sae answered, still close. “You started it.”
“Not like that.”
“Liar.”
Rin sighed, but did not push him away. Instead he ran a hand through Sae’s hair, tangling his fingers there.
Rin leaned to his ear.
“Nii-chan,” he whispered, lightly biting his earlobe and drawing another sigh from him.
“…What?”
“It’s time you take your pills,” Rin repeated quietly.
Sae wanted to rip his head off. Rin just laughed.
• • •
Training had been long. Heat, sweat, shouts in Spanish that Rin still did not fully understand, balls and more balls. He was tired, and Sae too. But when the coach ordered a final drill, attack against the keeper, something changed.
When Rin received the pass, Sae was already moving. As if they had agreed without speaking. Rin feints. Sae runs. Rin returns it. Sae taps. Rin goes in and shoots.
Goal.
The keeper did not even react. A second of silence. Then murmurs, he did not need Spanish to know they were surprised. Ah, nostalgia.
Rin dropped onto the bench and removed his shin guards with a long sigh. His socks were soaked. He hated that feeling.
Sae tossed him a water bottle without looking, Rin caught it mid air.
“Thanks.”
“You messed up the first touch,” Sae said. Rin rolled his eyes.
“Didn’t I make up for it?” Sae looked away and made a face. Rin felt satisfied.
They drank in silence. The field was almost empty. Only distant echoes and a loose ball rolling. Rin breathed hard. He looked at Sae. Sae was looking back with that serious expression. Then he smiled slightly. Sae smiled. He stepped closer and ruffled Rin’s hair.
“Well done, Rin,” he said.
It threw him off, but he liked it. It felt good. Too good.
When they were leaving with their bags over their shoulders, someone called out.
“Rin.” He turned. A tall dark haired girl with a strange accent approached. “Do you have a moment?”
Rin blinked.
“Me?”
“Yes.”
Before he answered, he felt Sae’s stare on him.
“Don’t go,” Sae murmured.
“What?”
“Let’s go.”
“It’s just a moment.”
“Rin.”
“I said it’s a moment.” He sounded more annoyed than he wanted. Sae clenched his jaw.
“Do what you want.” He left.
Rin sighed.
“Sorry, what did you want?”
The girl smiled nervously.
“I’m your fan.” Direct. His fan, not Sae’s.
“How do you speak Japanese?”
“My family is from there.”
“Oh.”
“I’ve followed you since the U 20 match. When you regretted that goal and repeated it, I got chills. Why did you do it?”
“Because Sae wouldn’t have liked it.”
“Because it would have been too easy.” She looked at him like that was incredible.
“Do you like Spain or do you miss Japan.”
“I don’t care where I am as long as I can play football.” That was enough. “I do miss Japan a bit.” She smiled.
“My grandma is Japanese. She tells me about it and taught me bad words.”
“Like what?”
“I won’t tell you.”
He laughed, then widened his eyes, surprised at himself. She noticed, that is why she said nothing.
“I have to go.” She stopped smiling.
“Wait. Can I have your number?”
Rin was surprised again, and immediately thought of Sae.
Why does he always think of him.
• • •
When Rin got back to the apartment, Sae was on the couch. Not watching anything. Just sitting, waiting.
“I’m going to make dinner,” Rin said.
He opened the fridge and stared like food might appear.
“You have nothing.”
“I do.”
“Three drinks and a sauce.”
“Then cook.”
Rin huffed and took out eggs. The sound of the pan heating filled the place. Sae was on his phone. The smell of fried egg appeared.
“What happened with the girl?”
Rin stopped.
“Did she ask for your number?”
Rin frowned.
“How do you know?”
“She asked me too. I rejected her.” He stressed that part. Rin laughed.
“Sure. She doesn’t know you’re gay.”
“Did you give it to her?” Rin did not answer. “Rin. Did you give it to her?”
Rin sighed.
“So what if I did.”
“What?” Sae looked shocked and stood up. “Why?”
“Why not?”
“You never kept numbers, not even mine.”
“Because you didn’t want to give it to me.”
“That was before.”
“So?”
“And now you give your number to a stranger.”
“Don’t exaggerate.”
“If you want to end this just say it, Rin.”
Rin laughed angrily.
“End what, we are not a couple, Sae. We are brothers.” Sae looked even more surprised, probably because he used his name. “You sleep with whoever you want.”
“That’s not…” Rin cut him off.
“And I could never touch anyone else. Do you know why?” Sae opened his mouth, nothing came out. “Because it disgusted me. Because I felt strange.”
Sae lowered his head and sat again. Rin sighed.
“You never told me you felt like that. I thought since that night in Japan we were fine.”
“Do you mean the night you forced me to fuck you like always?"
“I didn’t force you!”
“Of course not, because you don’t have to!” Rin stepped closer. “My head already knows. I’m only good for fixing your problems, because that’s all you have, that’s all you are. A damn abuser with mental problems!"
Rin suddenly wonders why he started this. Why now after so many years. To vent. He never needed that. He needs nothing, Sae needs him. Forget your problems, help Sae. He always thought that, but not now. Raising his fist is not helping. It makes it worse. Sae instantly covered himself with his arms, and Rin heard a sob. Sae is crying.
He might deserve it, but Rin does not want to do it. Enough.
Rin lowered his arm and stepped away. He breathed in, out, and walked to the door.
“I’m going out, I need air.” No answer. “You should too.”
He went down the stairs quickly, without thinking where to go. Step after step until the bottom, then straight to the edge and sat with his legs hanging, looking at the sea. Dark, slow waves.
He sighed. Maybe Sae chose that apartment because of this. The sea on the left. Like when they were kids. Sitting by the breakwater after training, ice cream melting, talking about things they did not understand, thinking the future would be simple.
Rin lowered his head.
He thought about Sae. His face. How still he was. How he cried. He had never seen him cry. Maybe alone. With depression, it is impossible he never did. But in front of him, never.
He never saw his mother cry either. Or his father. Not even himself.
Maybe they are a very numb family. Or experts at hiding pain.
Either way, Rin knows one thing, he cannot make him cry again. Much less hit him. Never… probably.
His phone was vibrating. Dad.
“Rin?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve been calling Sae for a while and he doesn’t answer.”
Rin hesitated.
“He must be busy.”
“Sure?”
“Yes.” A small silence.
“Your mother and I sent him salted kombu. It arrived today. Why doesn’t he answer?”
“We argued a bit.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Nothing serious.”
His father laughed.
“You know how he is. Dramatic.”
“Yes.”
“You are too. Go make up.”
“I will.”
“Good.” He hung up.
Rin looked at the screen. Contacts, three, his mother, his father, Sae. He thought about calling. Better not. He breathed deep and went back up.
The door was open. He frowned.
“Sae?” No answer. “Nii chan?” Nothing. He walked down the hall, then saw him. In the kitchen. On the floor.
Rin froze. One second. Two.
The pill bottle was down. Almost empty. Pills scattered on the counter and floor.
He ran and knelt beside him, grabbed his arm.
“Nii chan, wake up.” Nothing. “Nii chan!” He was breathing but not responding. Cold. “Damn it.” He shook him. “Sae!” His heart raced. He lifted him and carried him out, down the stairs, all the way.
Why did Sae do that. Rin will not forgive himself if Sae tries to take his own life right after their argument when he came here to prevent exactly that. Because of his stupid need to vent. Losing Sae, what would be left. His distant mother, his money focused father, people he does not want, football he plays because of Sae. He knows Sae caused many of his problems, but he still does not want him gone. Too many years being a mess together.
They reached the hospital. Voices, questions.
“What happened to Sae?”
“He took too many pills. I wasn’t home.”
“Was it a suicide attempt?” The word hung heavy.
“Yes,” he whispered.
They made him sit. They took Sae on a stretcher. A nurse stopped him.
“Wait here.”
He sat. Time passed. The clock mocked him.
He thought about the argument, his words, the raised fist, the sob. A damn abuser with mental problems. He closed his eyes.
A vending machine hummed. He bought coffee without remembering how. Burned his tongue, did not react.
A woman nearby knitted something red. He counted the motions. Lost count at thirty four. Started again.
Finally a doctor approached.
“Are you family?”
“I’m his brother.” The man nodded.
"He’s stable. We had to perform a gastric lavage. He ingested a dangerous amount, but he arrived in time."
Rin felt the air return to his lungs.
"So he’s… alive?"
"Yes," the man said with a slight smile. His legs trembled.
"Can I see him?"
"In a while. He’s sedated right now."
• • •
Sae woke up the next day.
Rin was asleep in a chair, with his head resting against the bed. He didn’t remember falling asleep. He only knew that, at some point, exhaustion had beaten him.
"Rin."
He opened his eyes abruptly.
"Nii chan?"
Rin didn’t think. He didn’t measure anything. He didn’t wonder if it was appropriate, if someone would see them, if he should calm down. He simply stood up from the chair and leaned over the bed, wrapping his arms around him, careful not to touch the IV line. He hugged him tight. Too tight.
Sae stayed still for a second, surprised, then slowly lifted an arm and wrapped it around him too. He didn’t squeeze. He didn’t say anything. But he returned it.
Rin felt something inside him finally loosen.
He pulled back a little, just enough to look at his face. He had deep eye bags. Paler skin than usual. Dry lips. He looked… tired. Vulnerable. Too much. Rin kissed his cheek. Then another. Then, without thinking, one on his neck.
"Rin…" Sae murmured, with a small, husky laugh. "Stop…"
Rin rested his forehead against Sae's for a second. He closed his eyes. When he opened them, the exhaustion was evident. Her eyes were red. His voice was a little shaky. But there was also relief. A lot of relief.
"I’m going to call the doctor," he said, getting up reluctantly. "Don’t fall asleep again."
Later, they were sitting in front of a desk.
The room was small. White. With a high window where soft light came in. There were diplomas hanging on the wall and a plant in a corner that looked artificial. Rin didn’t know if it was or not, but he didn’t care. Sae was sitting in a chair, hands resting on his legs. Rin, beside him. They hadn’t separated since he woke up. The psychiatrist was a middle aged man, with a calm voice and attentive eyes. He didn’t speak fast. He didn’t interrupt. He didn’t seem rushed.
That made him nervous.
"I want you to know this is not an interrogation," he began. "You are not in trouble. My job is to understand what happened and how we can prevent it from happening again."
Sae nodded slightly. Rin too.
"How long have you been taking medication?" he asked.
"For… more than three years," Sae answered.
"Do you take it as indicated?"
"Normally."
"And that day?" Sae hesitated.
"No."
The man wrote something down.
"What were you feeling before you did it?"
Silence. Rin pressed his fingers against his own knee.
"I was… tired," Sae said at last. "Of thinking."
"What were you thinking about?"
Sae looked at the floor.
"That I always ruin everything."
Rin turned his head toward him.
"That’s not true." Sae didn’t respond. The psychiatrist looked up.
"Had something happened that day?"
Sae took a deep breath.
"We argued." Rin swallowed.
"About what?" Sae hesitated again.
"Old things." The man nodded, as if he understood perfectly.
"I’m going to ask you something important," he continued, softly. "And I want you to be honest. It’s okay if you don’t know how to answer right now." Sae looked up. "Do you still want to die?"
The question fell like a stone. Rin stopped breathing for a second. Sae opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked down, and stayed that way for several seconds.
"I don’t know," he murmured at last. Rin knew it, that was the most honest answer he could give.
• • •
The elevator took too long. Rin watched the numbers go down slowly. Sae rested his head against the metal wall. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t asleep. When the elevator opened, Rin held the door with his hand so it wouldn’t close too fast. It wasn’t necessary, but he did it anyway.
They left the hospital without saying much. The afternoon air was cold, different from Japan, but just as sharp. Rin walked half a step behind Sae, watching him without making it obvious. His shoulders were slumped, his gaze low, as if all the weight in his body had sunk to his feet.
"Do you want ice cream?" Rin asked at last, almost like it was a silly idea.
Sae didn’t answer immediately. He walked two more steps, then stopped. He turned his head and looked at him. Really looked at him. His eyes were dull, but there was something there. Recognition.
They bought ice cream at a small shop near the hospital. Rin ordered two cones, Sae only nodded when the clerk handed it to him. They walked in silence for a while, each with his own.
"They’re not like the ones from before," Rin commented. "We used to eat popsicles." He paused. "But I guess they still work."
Sae didn’t answer, but he didn’t leave the ice cream untouched. That was already something.
When they reached the building, Rin went in first. He took two steps inside the apartment before noticing Sae wasn’t following him. He turned around. Sae was still, standing in the doorway, staring straight at the kitchen. The exact spot.
Rin walked back without saying anything. He took his hand. He didn’t squeeze. He just held it. Sae hesitated for a second, but finally walked with him.
In the bedroom, Rin dropped the keys on the dresser and turned toward Sae. He gently tugged his hand, inviting him to sit. Sae shook his head, barely noticeable. Rin understood. He sat first. Sae took another step and, without looking at him, sat on his lap. Rin wrapped his arms around him, firm but gentle. Sae's body trembled, though he wasn't crying yet.
Sae lifted his face and kissed him.
Rin responded instinctively, but something in his chest tightened. When he tried to pull away to say his name, Sae pushed him back down on the bed, following suit, kissing him urgently.
"No," Rin said, pushing him away this time with enough strength. "Nii chan, this is not the moment."
"I need it," Sae answered, voice broken.
Rin frowned.
"Can you… for one second stop trying to fix everything with sex?" his voice shook with contained anger. "Didn’t you learn anything?"
Sae let out a bitter laugh.
"Yes. I learned I can’t stop," he spat. "Not even when I want to end everything."
"Sae!" Rin didn’t notice it at the moment, but it was the second time he called him that.
Sae gasped, as if the air had been knocked out of him. He lowered his head. He sat back down on Rin's pelvis, but this time he covered his face with his hands and began to sob. Silently at first. Then with his whole body.
"Why…?" he asked between breaths. "Why did you come back? Why did you take me? Why didn’t you let me…?"
Rin held his back.
"Because I don’t want you to die," he said, bluntly. "Because you’re the only thing I have in this damn life."
Sae laughed without humor.
"You said it yourself that I’m an abuser."
Rin opened his mouth. Closed it. He found no words that weren’t lies or cruelty.
The silence stretched. Only Sae’s sobs filled the room. Rin leaned forward and hugged him, resting his forehead on his shoulder. He waited until Sae’s breathing slowed a little.
"Why did you do it?" he asked at last, quieter. "Tell me."
"I don’t know…," Sae murmured at first.
Rin pulled back just enough to hold his shoulders.
"Look at me."
Sae didn’t. He cried harder. Long seconds passed.
"I hate myself," he said finally, voice almost unrecognizable. "I hate myself because… because I tried not to be like this. I tried not to do it. And even so… I ended up being just like him."
"Who?" Rin asked, genuinely not understanding.
"Dad."
Sae said nothing more after that.
He just broke down again. The crying came back stronger, messy, without trying to hide it. As if the sentence had ripped out something buried for years. His shoulders shook. His hands clenched the fabric of Rin’s shirt like it was the only solid thing left.
Rin didn’t react immediately. He stayed still. Eyes open. Refusing.
No, it couldn’t be that. His mind rejected the idea before finishing understanding it. But his body already knew. That cold feeling in his stomach wasn’t doubt, it was recognition. Suddenly the pieces began to fit on their own, even if he didn’t want to look at them. He remembered his father at the table, always quiet, always measuring words like they were money. Never intervening. Never asking. Never looking too long at anyone. Never looking too long at Sae.
And his mother, who knew, and never did anything. Always trying to stay as far away from them as possible.
Rin felt nauseous.
He thought about all the times he believed his mother was exaggerating. All the times he thought she hated Sae for no reason. All the times he thought they were just a cold family, nothing more.
He didn’t see it.
He didn’t see it when Sae stopped sleeping well.
He didn’t see it when he started smiling at the wrong moments.
He didn’t see it when he turned control into affection and affection into something twisted.
He didn’t see it when he learned to need without asking.
“Nii chan always has control.”
Lie. He never did.
Rin lowered his head at last, as if the weight had arrived late but complete. The air didn’t reach him right. He didn’t want to imagine anything, so he didn’t. He didn’t need images. Certainty alone was enough to hurt.
Then he moved. He hugged him tightly. For real. As if his body could do something time never did. He tried not to cry. He really tried. He clenched his jaw, closed his eyes, breathed slowly. He wasn’t going to break too, someone had to stay firm.
It didn’t work. The tears came anyway, silent at first, then unavoidable. He made no sound. He just let them fall.
He said nothing. He just stayed.
• • •
Later, when the apartment was already quiet, they were in bed. Not all the lights were on. Only the hallway one, filtering through the half open door. Both had red eyes, tired skin. Their hands were intertwined over the sheet.
Rin blinked, looking at the ceiling.
"It’s time for your pills," he said softly.
He was about to let go to get them, but Sae barely shook his head and squeezed his fingers. It wasn’t rough. It was tired.
Rin didn’t argue. He settled back again.
Sae approached slowly and snuggled against his chest, like when they were children after training too much. Rin put his arm around him, relaxed. He placed a kiss on his forehead.
He had no intelligent promises. He had no solutions. He had no forgiveness yet. He was just there.
The distant sound of the sea came in through the open window.
Rin thought, with a new and heavy clarity, that saving someone isn’t always pulling them out of the water. Sometimes it’s staying afloat with them. And not letting go.