Karamatsu was dead.

by orphan_account

Summary:

Nobody knows he was.

Chapter 1: He is dead

Karamatsu was dead.

Every morning, he would get up, eat breakfast, put his clothes and his smile on. He seemed alive. He wasn't.

Karamatsu doesn't remember when he died.

Maybe he died when Chibita kidnapped him. Maybe a year before. Maybe he was already dead in high school. He doesn't remember.

He doesn't remember when he broke. When he stopped being happy. When he stopped eating. Stopped sleeping. Stopped having sincere smiles. Stopped carring. About himself, about the others. What they did, what they said. He doesn't remember when he stopped listening.

He already knew what they were going to say, anyway. Insults, insults, always insults.

"You should just go die."

But how? He wasn't even alive in the first place. But he knew that they had no idea he was already dead. Gone, they wanted him gone. They wanted him to leave and never come back. They wanted is body to stop working, as his mind was already broken.

Karamatsu thought about leaving the house. And never coming back. It would be like if he was dead for real, right? But he figured out that even if he left, he would meet new people. Hurt new people. And new people would tell him to die as his brothers did.

A part of him told him it would be ok, the people he would meet wouldn't be as bad as his brothers. Another part told him that nobody liked his painful self. Nor is dead self. Nobody liked him. Nobody ever will.

Karamatsu thought about dying. For "real" this time. He was already dead, so dying another time wouldn't make a difference, right? It would make everyone happy, right?

One day, instead of saying "good night", he said "goodbye". His parents let out a small laugh, thinking he was probably sleepy and didn't choose the right word.
His brothers sighed as they usually do when he talk. He didn't mind.

He went to bed.

The day after, he was nowhere to be found.

 

Karamatsu was dead.

Chapter 2: The first victim

Notes:

Some people suggested I write more! I thought about it a bit, and I had some ideas. So here is some more!

Ichimatsu was dead.

He had been dead for a long time, probably even longer than Karamatsu.

Because he was dead himself, he knew how to recognize other dead people.

He knew Karamatsu was dead. He knew his smile was fake, his confidence was fake, everything was fake.

Ichimatsu never hid the fact that he was dead. He never saw the use of doing this. He didn't care about people being worried about him, so he never tried to hide it.

Even if he had wanted to, he couldn't have.

Unlike Karamatsu, he was a bad actor. He didn't know how to put a big smile on and to pretend everything was fine. He kind of admired that.

He wouldn't say it, but he was worried about his brother. Because Karamatsu was hidding his pain and Ichimatsu wasn't, Karamatsu was ignored and Ichimatsu the center of the attention. He didn't like it. He would prefer it if his brother was the one everyone cared for, he needed and deserved it. He thought Karamatsu would deal with it better, as Ichimatsu never knew how to react to the sudden attention.

Ichimatsu only knew violence.

Sharp words, mean looks, brutal kicks sometimes. He didn't want to deal with everyone, so he would just make them go away. They would hate him, never come back, and it would be fine. Perfectly fine.

He was meaner to Karamatsu. Because he was afraid. When he insulted people, they would swear back, be angry, argue with him. With Karamatsu, it never happened.

---

 

The two of them, in the living room. Ichimatsu was looking at Karamatsu. Karamatsu was looking at his reflection in the mirror.

"Kusomatsu."

Karamatsu turned his head to his brother, his smile so small Ichimatsu thought he was letting the sadness out for once.

"Yes, my brother?"
"I fucking hate you."

Karamatsu's small smile faded away. He looked down, like trying to figure what to respond. Then he looked up again, his usual big fake smile on his face. He didn't have the time to answer that Ichimatsu was speaking again.

"You're painful, useless, unlovable; can't you see that no one likes you?"

Karamatsu didn't budge, keeping his smile on his face and his eyes on Ichimatsu.

 

Come on. React.
Get angry at me.
Insult me.
Hit me.
React.
Show me you're still alive.
React.
React.
React.

 

Karamatsu didn't react. He looked silently at Ichimatsu, then did one of his stupid dramatic poses.

"Heh, living the life of a guilt guy sure is hard! But I shall forgive you, as you are my dear little brother!"

Karamatsu smiled. Ichimatsu didn't understand why. It was only the two of them in this room, he could get angry, be mad, nobody would sees him, it was ok. But still, Karamatsu was never mean.

Ichimatsu watched his brother stand up and walk off the room.

As he followed him and stopped in front of the bathroom, he pressed his ear against the door. He could barely hear mumble.

"Of course he hates you"
"They all hate you"
"Why am I still there. Why am I still there. Why am I still there"

Ichimatsu walked back in the room. He wished he knew how to help him. But he was so afraid to say the wrong things. To not choose the right words.

---

Ichimatsu was dead.
Karamatsu was too.

When Karamatsu died a second time, Ichimatsu did too.

He remembers the trembling voice of his mother over the phone at 4 in the morning. He remembers everyone pressing against each other in the tiny car. He remembers the rain against the window. He remembers getting off the vehicle and running to the hospital.
He remembers The waiting room. The white walls. A child crying. Nurses walking fast. Phones ringing. Too much noise. Yet everyone was silent.
He remembers the doctors coming to them. Saying he was sorry. They had done everything they could.
He remembers his heart beating faster and faster. Tears that came down his cheeks against his will. The horrified faces of his family.

And the yet calm face of Karamatsu when they saw his dead body.

He was filled with guilt.
Maybe if he had tried to talk to him.. Maybe if he had stopped his stupid game of wanting a reaction.. Maybe if he had showed that he cared oh so much about him.. Maybe..

But now it was useless.

Because Karamatsu was dead.

Notes:

I will probably add all the brother, and the parents if I feel like it.
English isn't my native language! Don't hesitate to point errors out if there are some!
And thank you for reading!

Chapter 3: The second victim

Osomatsu is ten.

He is ten, he is running with his brothers. Laughing, screaming, falling sometimes, but always getting up on his feet.

Osomatsu is ten, nothing could go wrong.

He has his five friends with him, his five partners in crime. He is them and they are him, and they will always be six.

Always together.

If one is happy, they will all be.

If one cry, they will stop the tears.

Osomatsu is proud to be the leader. He loves them all so much, he is happy they can rely on him. He does the best he can to be a good big brother to everyone. Sometimes they say he is cool. It makes him happy and want to be even greater for them.

No one is left apart. They're a group, after all.

Osomatsu feels like it's going to be like this forever. Really, nothing could go wrong!

Osomatsu is just ten, and nothing matters.

He just want to run, laugh, and play with all his brothers forever and ever.

He see no reasons why this would ever change, because he is just ten.

---

Now Osomatsu isn't ten anymore.

Osomatsu is dead.

He died on that night that made many victims. Too many.

Time stopped, and the world, his world, fell apart.

He didn't know how to react.

His little brother was dead.

His little brother died.

His little brother choseto die.

 

Why ?

Karamatsu always smiled so much.

He laughed with them, walked with them, and nothing could have gone wrong.

Was it because of the mean words and mean actions? But it was just teasing, right?

Right?

.. Right?

 

Osomatsu felt like he had failed as the eldest. His role is to take care of everyone. Make sure everyone is safe. No one is left behind.
Was Karamatsu left behind?
He has to encourage everyone. To make everyone feels happy and loved.
Did Karamatsu feel loved?

He failed at seeing his own brother's sadness. He tried to remember signs, anything that showed he wasn't alright.

Osomatsu didn't know anymore. His thoughts were blurry. So was his vision. He felt tears falling from his eyes, ending up on the photo he was holding. An old photo, from what seems to be so long ago. Too long ago.

When they were just ten.

When everything was still alright.

.. atsu..

When they had nothing to worry about.

When he was still the good and reliable big brother.

.. omatsu..

When they were still six.

When he wasn't an uncaring person, when he was more attentive, more present for them, more of a role model, when they would come to him to talk about their problem, when..

Osomatsu.

 

The young man turned his head to the person next to him. Choromatsu has been calling him several times now.

"I think this photo will do.." He said, showing the said photo to Osomatsu.

A smile again.

Osomatsu didn't know how could have Karamatsu been smiling so much when he actually chose to disappear.

He tried to picture this image, on a table, near the ashes.

"Yeah, let's take this one."

He stood up, after wiping his tears and putting their childhood photo back into the album. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down and to forget for a moment. Deep breaths to fill the emptiness inside him with air, because it was all he had at the moment.

Words, gestures felt distant now.

He was thankful for his brothers trying to comfort him. Because he knew they needed comfort themselves. But it didn't make anything to him.

He felt numb.

He felt tired.

He felt nothing.

He never stopped the headcounts.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Where is the last one?

Then he would remember.

Karamatsu was dead.

Notes:

I'm just gonna write "karamatsu was dead" at the end of every chapter so you never forget lolol
Anyway, hope you enjoyed! I am doing my best aaah.
Remember English isn't my native language! If you see any mistakes, don't hesitate to point it out!
And thank you for reading!

Chapter 4: The third victim

Jyushimatsu was alive. The strongest of them all. Jyushimatsu was immortal.

Jyushimatsu could see ghosts. They were all around him. Even in his own house!

He never really noticed that he could see them before, but now that they were so many, how could he avoid them?

It seemed like everyone in his family was dead. Everyone but him.

He thought that he was going to die too. It hurt so bad that one night, Jyushimatsu was sure he was dying. But he wasn't. He survived, because he is the strongest of them all.

Being able to see ghosts, he wondered why he wasn't seeing Karamatsu.

He came to the conclusion that Karamatsu was already a ghost before he died.

He wished he knew about his power sooner, maybe he could have done something.

But now it was too late,

Karamatsu was dead.

---

 

They've walked for quite a long time now, alone in the dark streets. The air was cold, and everything was silent. Well, almost.

"Nii-san!" Jyushimatsu screamed. "Where are you?!"

"Shh, it's late." Ichimatsu murmured, putting his finger in front of his mouth.

Jyushimatsu let out a small noise before nodding. They continued to walk, looking around.
They ended up in the city center. Hesitant at first, they entered a big, noisy bar. The lights were blinding them, they couldn't hear anything but the music, and it was hot. Ichimatsu quickly looked at all the faces, to finally find the one they've been looking for. Grabbing Jyushimatsu by the arm, he went through the whole room to get to the other side.

"Osomatsu."

Hearing his name, their brother looked up. His eyes red and tired, he tried to put a smile on his face but ended up only looking ridiculous.

"Hey, you two. Watcha doing there?"

"We've been looking for you. you keep disappearing these days. It's fucking annoying, you have to stop that."

Osomatsu remained silent, looking at nothing in particular. 

"But you're doing fine even if I'm not home, right?"

"No, no!" Jyushimatsu shouted, before putting his hand on his mouth, aware of the noise he was making.

After a short silence, Osomatsu sighed.

"I need to finish my drink first."

Ichimatsu looked at all the glasses in front of his brother, stopping his gaze on the only one that was still full. He grabbed it and drank it all, ignoring Osomatsu's complain.

"Here. No more drink. We do need you at home, you know."

He meant it.
So Osomatsu left some money on the counter and left the bar with his two little brothers.
They walked home in silence. But, closing his eyes, Jyushimatsu could hear their ghost voice. "Thank you for coming home with us." "No, thank you for telling me to go."
He smiled at himself, walking behind them.

Jyushimatsu was alive but still hurt. He wanted to see Karamatsu's back, too. Everyone's back, everyone's smile.

Teary eyes, but he quickly wiped them. Karamatsu wouldn't like that. And Jyushimatsu wanted to stay strong. Now that he knew he had powers, he wanted to help ghosts. So one day, he would have no more reason to cry, he would only smile at the good memories.

But that would be later, because now his teary eyes are back,

The pain is still there,

And Karamatsu is dead.

Notes:

I'm not dead! (unlike kara)
So, it's been a long time since I posted here. Sorry!
You know, school, and no motivation.. Yeah.
I'm not really happy with this chapter but hey I tried. I felt like if I didn't write it now I would never write it.
Sooo yeah sorry for being inactive. I'm amazed that I still have kudos regularly. Thank you!

Don't forget that English isn't my native language so if you see any mistake please tell me!

Chapter 5: The fourth victim

Todomatsu used to be dead.

He would stay at home and stare at the ceiling. Wake up in the middle of the night, covered in cold sweat, breathing heavily. He would look for his brother's face, but he wasn't there anymore. He would bit his lip so he wouldn't call his name. Hearing his name hurt to much, he didn't want to hear it anymore. Never again.
Then someone would tap his shoulder, tell him hey, it's okay, go back to sleep. Todomatsu wouldn't bother looking at who was talking to him, he would lay back again and stare at the ceiling. Sometime a hand would grab his. It was reassuring, but not enough. Closing his eyes had never seemed so terrifying, darkness had become unbearable.

He wouldn't talk much, eat much. He wouldn't even go much on his smartphone anymore.

---

Then he came back to life. Just like a zombie.

Gotta go back to work, back to living.

He started smiling again, as time passed. And things were finally normal again. Everyone had slowly gotten used to Karamatsu's absence, and now you could hear people in the house laugh again.
Karamatsu was still part of the family, thought. His brothers would sit next to his small shrine, and after a prayer, tell him about their day. They would find some of his old belongings and bring it to him.

"Hey, look what I found!"

Jyushimatsu liked to sing him songs. Sometimes the others would tag along by clapping hands to rhythm.

---

 

Todomatsu didn't do any of that. In fact, he would avoid the shrine as much as he could. He thought he had accepted his death, but in fact he was still in denial. He felt better only because he was always thinking about something else. He did everything to keep his head busy. That way he didn't have to think about him. He still couldn't pronounce his name. Whatever. He didn't care much. As long as he as feeling fine, he didn't mind if it was by avoiding things.

But he couldn't keep going like that, right?

Probably.

But he had other things to think about. Like, where the hell was his phone? He was sure he had left it in the bedroom.
He suddenly remembered seeing Jyushimatsu playing with it. That bastard! He must have taken it downstairs.
Todomatsu rushed to the empty living room. Everyone seemed to be out. But whatever, there it was! He made his way to the table and took it back. What a relief. And just when he was about to go back upstairs, he saw Someone staring at him. He stared back, unsure what to do. He couldn't move. He felt paralyzed. It has been so long since the last time he saw him! His smile was still the same.
He slowly took a few step toward the shrine and looked at the photograph some more. Then he sat. Still silent, still looking at him. He opened his mouth, but words took long to go out.

"Hey."

No answer. Of course.

"How are you?"

How stupid was he to ask such a question? Why was he even talking?

"I hope you're feeling better. We're fine now. I'm.. I'm fine."

Silence.

"I mean, I think I am. It's been.. hard without you, you know."

Silence again. He felt so stupid. He wanted to say he was sorry. But wasn't that hypocritical? How could he say he was sorry when he couldn't even help him? When he didn't even try?
He shook his head. He didn't know, right? He couldn't have know. He had no idea. Because he never said anything. Of course he would have helped if he had known back then! Todomatsu stood up, his eyes going around the whole room before going back to him.

"Karamatsu. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He could feel his eyes tear up and his voice shake. He wished he was stronger.

"I love you, and I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish I had been there for you. You should have told us. I'm so sorry that we made you feel that way about yourself. That I made you feel that way. I never really meant it, I-.. I'm just an asshole. I never realized. I know there's no going back now, but.. I'm so sorry. I wish you were still there."

He knew nothing could be done now, it was too late. He couldn't be a nicer person to him, he could only be nicer to everyone. He promised himself he would be.
He took a deep breath and smiled a bit.

"It was nice talking to you. I should.. Do that more often, right? I understand why the others are around you so much, now. Sorry I never took the time to come before."

It felt weird, and he couldn't really tell if he was feeling better, in the end. But that's normal, right? Healing takes time. One day he will tell Karamatsu old memories and he will laugh like the others do when they talk to him. It will be okay.

Karamatsu was dead, but it didn't mean Todomatsu had to be dead too.

 

Notes:

Can you believe I started this fic more than two years ago? I can't believe how slow I am.
Honestly I'm not even into Osomatsu-san THAT much anymore. Oh I still love those idiots very much, but yeah, you know. Time passes.
But I'll definitely finish this fic! In ten years if I have to lol, but I will.
Even after all this time the chapters are still so short. I'm more of a drawing person anyway.
I kind of want to write other stuff but I'd feel guilty to start something else when I've been on this one for so long.
Anyway, it's almost done! It will probably be over with next chapter.
Hope you liked this one anyway- I don't even know what I'm doing lol.
Remember that English isn't my native language so there probably are mistakes. Don't hesitate to point them out!
If anyone has been reading this thing since the beginning, well thank you so much, I'm sorry I'm taking so long aha~

Chapter 6: The fifth victim, and how it ends

Choromatsu nearly died.

It was a damn zombie apocalypse in there! Dead people everywhere! For months, he felt like he could just die at any moment. A zombie, a ghost, or whatever was all around him would grab his ankle, make him fall and eat him alive. But after a while, he got used to fighting.

Choromatsu was a survivor.

He had to. He had to help the others. Karamatsu was dead, and Osomatsu fell down with him. Choromatsu was the big brother now. Someone had to be the reliable one in this house! 
He would look after them. Comfort them when they were crying. Listen to them when they would talk about Karamatsu. He wasn’t the best at it, but he tried. He knew he needed to be there for them, for their sake.

It was weird, not having someone to look up to anymore. 

He did look up to Karamatsu, even if he never said it.Maybe he should have.
Karamatsu looked like he had everything figured out. He looked so untroubled by everything. Choromatsu admired that about him. Sometimes he found himself wishing he could just put a flashy outfit on and be a self-proclaimed cool guy. But he was too anxious and self-conscious to do that.
Was that all an act? Did Karamatsu want people to think he was carefree so that nobody would worry about him? That sounded like him.

Osomatsu had always seemed like he was the backbone of their brotherhood. Seeing him down, not being able to stand up, took Choromatsu by surprise. He never expected him to be in such a state. Then again, he never expected one of them to die. To chose to die.
Osomatsu wasn’t what was holding them together. They all were, as a whole. They were a chain that would broke if any link went missing. And one did.

Because all his brothers were relying on him, Choromatsu felt like he had nobody to rely on. He knew in how much they were suffering, because he felt the same. He didn’t want to add more weight to their pain by letting out his own.Choromatsu was a survivor, but he sure felt tired of fighting.

---

« Can you believe it’s been a year already? Time flies, huh? »

Choromatsu looked up from his plate, and then to the shrine in the corner.

« Sure does. »

Osomatsu smiled at him, a small smile with some sadness in it. He leant over to Choromatsu and patted his back before standing up.

« I’m done eating, gonna go get ready! »

« Yeah. »

As Osomatsu walked out, Choromatsu looked down to his plate again. He wasn’t hungry anymore, not that he really was to begin with. He was the only one in the room, all the others had left already to prepare.
They all agreed to go out somewhere nice later that day, just a little meeting, in a place Karamatsu liked. Truth is, it had been a while since they all went out together as a group. It was too painful, because not everyone was there. But they couldn’t avoid it forever.
Choromatsu sighed as he got up to put his unfinished plate in the fridge.

It felt good hearing everyone laugh, sitting in the grass. It was loud, though Choromatsu remembered it being louder. It felt good but not as good as he would have wanted. He couldn’t help but feel his heart sinking. Too many emotions and he didn’t know how to deal with any of them.
He was happy to see his brother smiling again. Like the good old times.
But he was still devastated that Karamatsu wasn’t with them anymore.
And he was angry. Angry with himself for not being able to enjoy this afternoon, and angry that they even needed this afternoon at all. They wouldn’t be there if they had been more attentive. If they had been less mean. He was angry at them too, deep down. How could they be smiling like that? 

Lost in thoughts, he didn’t notice that everyone stopped talking and was looking at him. He tried to smile, and as he was about to talk, to ask them why they were staring at him, his voice cracked into a sob. He quickly put his face in his hands to hide it, and soon felt some arms embracing him. 
He had been holding it in for a long time now. So he let it all out, until he calmed down a bit.

« You know we’re here for you, right? »

He couldn’t tell which brother just said that. But it’s ok, he thought, they were all here for him, right? He could rely on them, for once.

---

Karamatsu was dead, and nothing could be done about it. There was no point in denying they played no role in this, because they did. The guilt would never go away, but they would learn to live with it. Now they could only grow to be better persons and look out for each other, so such tragedy would never happen again. 

Karamatsu was dead, but they had to live on.

Notes:

IT'S OVER!
I bet you thought I would never finish this, uh? Yeah, same.

Honestly, I have developed a love-hate relationship with this fic. I never wrote anything else because I felt too guilty about leaving it unfinished. I'm glad this is over, now I'm free and I can move on from this curse.
But I'm still grateful for what this fic gave me! Sometimes, even after all those years, I see a notification saying someone liked my work, and it always feels me with joy.

I hope you like this chapter! Not gonna lie I had to force myself to write it, so I hope it's not too bad lol.
Remember that English isn't my first language, so feel free to point out any mistake I made.

Hopefully I can find some motivation to write again now. Probably not Osomatsu-san, but still!
Thank you so much for reading and bearing with me!