Work Text:
I remember at 10 when Sirius yelled at Mother telling that what she was doing to us was wrong.
When at 14 Sirius decided he had enough and left them -left him - for that pathetic Potter boy who was apparently better.
He can be better, he can, promise, I just need a little time just tell me what you need I can do it too , I can do it just as good as that BOY. BETTER EVEN Just come back. "Please Siri, please, please, please"
He could whisper his please. Mumble his apologies. Yell his desperation. Cry his grief. But it wouldn't make Sirius come back not Sirius who already had a brother and it wasn't Regulus it was JAMES. James who was softer, happier, prettier, BETTER. Everything he wasn't, everything he should be.
He remembers the day Sirius left. How in the morning he woke up to screams of him begging them to stop hitting him. He remembers trying to cover his ears, tightening the covers around him in a desperate attempt to block out the sound. How after it stopped he had to get up and get ready for church as if it was the most normal day. How when he came back that afternoon all of Sirius personal belonging were gone. It would be about two month before he finally cried about Sirius. But sometimes when he was alone in his room he would stare at the ceiling wondering if he really cared about Sirius or if he only cared about the fact he took his one chance to escape with him.
As a child he had never disagreed with what he was taught- at least not out loud- because whatever the Pastore said he had to be right. It had to be otherwise everything he did was for nothing. All his work -the verses, the suits, the teaching, the praises- was FOR NOTHING.
He wants to hold on, he really does but sometimes the weight of the expectations are to much and he just wants to sleep so bad. He doesn't even remember the reason he was tired for, he just want it all gone. He doesn't know why he feels this way and why nothing ever seems to help. He's tried so hard, he remembers Even telling him that cutting helped but every time he would try he would still feel the same the all encompassing emptiness. Then there was the moments where all he could feel was anger he doesn't know if he hated the emptiness or the anger more.
It didn’t matter in the end because Sirius is was still gone and he wasn’t going to come back. Not for him, maybe if he was a better brother he wouldn’t have left him in the first place