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This street.
Rain fell down heavily as he stood on the empty street, drenching his clothes. He was wearing the cheap suit he’d always used for his work, something he had never worn for so long after he stayed with him.
This street.
Where everything started between them, where everything ended for him.
A meeting by chance; a fleeting moment that altered the trajectory of their lives forever.
This street.
'In this street where I first saw you, will I ever meet you again?'
Suddenly, he heard splashing puddles, heaving breaths, and rushing footsteps towards him.
And then—
He felt his arm being grabbed, turning his body to face the other person. Before he realized what was happening, he felt lips crushing against his.
Leewon was too shocked to react, or even push that person away.
Yet he recognized these lips, this kiss. The way he was held so tightly, so desperately.
And everything, everything he’d thought he’d left behind when he passed—the unbridled passion, the endless screaming, the bloodless fights and dizzying chaos and agony, agony, so much agony it was insanity—came crashing down on him, crumbling the last of his walls.
Leewon kissed Caesar back, hungry and needy, all-consuming, devouring.
A violent rhythm of lips meeting, tongues tasting, teeth clashing, breaths mingling.
Caesar pulled away from the kiss and hugged him tightly, face buried in Leewon’s drenched hair.
“Leewon,” he whispered, voice rough. “Leewon, Leewon. Leewon.”
Leewon did not embrace him back, only letting the other man hold him. He made no move, only staring at something far away through the deluge.
“This must be a dream,” Caesar muttered, mostly to himself. “Not a nightmare.”
“...Why?”
“Because in my nightmares,” Caesar answered, his arms tightening slightly, “you dissolve into thin air before I could even touch you.”
Something—something in Caesar’s words made Leewon’s heart prick. It didn’t help that Caesar was visibly shaking, his arms wound so tight around his body it was a little hard to breathe.
Something—something in Leewon’s heart ached at the sight of Caesar like this, terrified and vulnerable. A side only Leewon had seen in the years of their marriage.
But nothing—nothing had changed.
It was all just the same as before, probably.
“Caesar,” Leewon murmured, “ease up a little, won’t you? I—I can’t breathe.”
“But if I loosen my arms,” Caesar breathed, “what if you escape from me?”
Leewon sighed. “...there is no escape from you.”
“Only through death.”
Leewon bit back another sigh, the weight in his chest becoming heavier. “Caesar, please. Loosen your arms a little, wouldn’t you? I really couldn’t breathe.”
It was a moment before Caesar finally yielded to his request. Icy, silver-gray eyes met his, naked with emotions Caesar only lets Leewon see.
“Leewon,” Caesar reached for one of Leewon’s hands, placing it against his cool cheek. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.”
Leewon remained quiet, only meeting his gaze.
It would be so easy to lie—that he did not miss Caesar, in a way. That he did not wish to hear his voice, calling his name, for that hand that always held his.
Leewon missed too many things—things that only hurt him, in the end.
“I don’t think I can last without you,” Caesar breathed against Leewon’s wet palm, pressing his lips there. “Won’t you stay with me again?”
'Again…?'
Leewon looked down, unable to meet the other’s eyes. The old fissures in his heart began to split anew, threatening to shatter his heart until nothing of it was left.
“Caesar…”
“Say you’ll stay,” Caesar beg—demanded. “Say you’ll be with me.”
Heavy, heavy—no, too excruciating—
“...Caesar, I can’t.”
A stunned pause.
“...what?”
“I can’t stay,” Leewon whispered brokenly. “I can never stay.”
“Why?!” Caesar grabbed his shoulders, shaking Leewon harshly. “Why can’t you stay with me?!”
“I—”
“Look me in the eye and tell me why!”
“I can’t!” Leewon exclaimed, pushing Caesar away. “I can’t stay anymore, Caesar. I can’t! And I won’t!”
Caesar’s eyes widened further, fury glinting in his steel gray gaze. “Say that again?”
“I can’t stay anymore—uhk!” Caesar’s fingers dug deeper into Leewon’s shoulders, making Leewon flinch a little in pain. Yet Leewon felt no fear towards this man, not even a little.
Just the heaviness he thought he’d let go when he—
“Why can’t you stay anymore?” Caesar snarled between clenched teeth. “You stayed by my side for years, Leewon. Years! Why tell me this?”
The heaviness was too much.
Drip.
Drip.
Caesar paused, his chest tightening at the sight of something glistening in Leewon’s eyes. His anger vanished in a second, replaced with—
“Caesar,” Leewon whispered, his voice still surprisingly even despite the moisture trickling down his cheeks. Wondered if the rain was enough to hide them. “I can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Caesar pulled him into his arms once more, rubbing Leewon’s back to soothe him. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry, tigrenok moy. Please don’t cry.”
The heaviness in Leewon’s chest overflowed, endlessly spilling from his eyes. Oh, how everything hurts.
'Why does everything hurt so much?'
“Caesar,” Leewon blubbered against Caesar’s clothes. “Caesar.”
“I’m here, I’m here,” Caesar murmured, pressing soft kisses against Leewon’s hair. “Please don’t cry.”
'Everything…hurts.
Even his kisses hurt.'
“Caesar. Please let me go.”
Caesar pulled away, just a little, wiping Leewon’s tears— mixed with the rain drops—with his thumb. “Why?” Caesar asked, his tone hollow. “Why?”
Leewon cupped Caesar’s cheeks, fingers dancing across his skin.
It would be a lie to say Leewon did not miss Caesar's face—that he did not miss holding his face like this.
It would also be a lie to say it did not hurt to look at this very face.
'Why must everything I have with this man have to hurt?'
“I’ve long since let go,” Leewon said softly. “It wasn’t a proper goodbye back then, but I’ve already let you go. Why should I remain here, still?”
“What can I do?” Caesar’s tone was close to begging. “What should I do to make you come back to me?”
Leewon’s fingers memorized each line, the contour of the other’s face. How beautiful, how deceiving, how…how…
“All my senses, all my instincts scream at me to kill you right now, Leewon,” Caesar continued, voice hoarse. “Kill you for even saying you want to leave me. But—” He stopped abruptly, face pale and stricken with naked grief.
“But you died, and I was not able to hear your voice for one last time,” Caesar rasped. “You died, and I thought someone extinguished whatever warmth left in me.
“You died, and everything made no sense. Everything was a dreary, gray blur. So even if I wanted to kill you now,” he leaned his face into Leewon’s touch, “I don’t want that feeling again. I don’t want to feel like an empty shell, drifting away. I don’t want,” he inched his face closer to the other, “to lose whatever sanity left in my system.
“I don’t want to lose you again, Leewon. That is all. Which is why—can’t you stay?”
How beautiful, how deceiving, how…how…real.
Leewon, from all those years of being with Caesar, could discern whether he was being genuine or not—and the same went for Caesar towards Leewon.
Leewon knew Caesar’s words were true.
It could’ve been so easy, to let Caesar step back into his life and allow him to stay by his side. It could’ve been so easy to say ‘yes’ and promise him a lifetime all over again.
But after everything they’d been through, after everything he’d been through…
…could he do it? Would he do it, all over again?
Leewon’s eyes were smarting, his vision starting to blur—because of the endless rain, or because of the tears he couldn’t stop, he didn’t know.
“미안해,” he breathed, choked up. “정말 미안해.”
“W..what?”
“미안해,” Leewon echoed, his voice breaking at the last syllable. “미안해요.”
I can’t stand the thought of you hurting, Caesar.
“미안…해요.”
It…it’s just…
Leewon stroked Caesar’s face, a wet, heartbroken smile on his own. “저…정말 미안해요.”
…I don’t think I can last another lifetime with you, again.
“In this lifetime,” Leewon whispered, “if fate permits us be, may we never meet again.”
“W-What—?!”
“Let us live without each other; without sorrow, without pain.”
“Leewon—!”
“But if fate lets our paths cross still, may it be a meeting that we would not regret in the end.”
Leewon leaned in for one last kiss, and murmured, “Live long and well, my little wolf.”
“No!” Caesar held him close in utter despair, but Leewon was—Leewon was—
“안녕, 카이사르.”
Leewon was—
Leewon hadn’t heard much of him ever since he and and his son, Jung Seongmin, fled from Moscow.
Only through his father’s correspondences, or the occasional conversations he had with the mafia heads affiliated with the Lomonosov did Leewon somehow learn of whatever was going in Moscow. Economies rising, market values fluctuating, organizations emerging and vanishing…the Sergeyev Syndicate causing havoc one way or another.
Leewon knew the reason behind all those rash, nearly reckless actions by the Sergeyev—it was a tactic aiming to coerce them to return, or else Moscow would fall into ruins.
Maybe, at some point, Leewon nearly gave in. Maybe, at some point, Leewon almost wanted to march back to Moscow and punch some sense back into his head.
But each time he almost did, he stopped himself. Stepped out of the plan, and did nothing.
He knew there was no way of convincing a madman when said madman was too recklessly stubborn to care. There was no way of asking that madman to stop when said madman was too much into the swirling chaos.
He knew that madman too well to know there was nothing he could do.
In the passing years, he and Seongmin got used to his absence. Lived their lives as if he had never been part of it at all.
Gradually, Leewon forgot his scent, his voice, his face.
But sometimes, there were days he remembered—the phantom gunshots on his body, the frost crawling up his spine, the endless heartache. The tingling passion, the lingering warmth.
And sometimes—he wasn’t sure if it was just his mind playing tricks on him, or his senses being too hyper aware—before he and Seongmin left a city, he could feel someone trying to catch them, yet always a hairbreadth too late.
*
'How many years had passed?'
Leewon mused to himself as he ambled aimlessly by the sea, savoring the late afternoon breeze. The waves were calm, gentle and cool as they reached his bare feet. Above the skies were a deep orange color, streaked with pink and peach-colored clouds.
'How many years had passed since then?'
Leewon had long lost count of the years that followed after he and his son left, focused as they were in making sure no one could find them. Long lost count of the cities they lived in, immersed as they were in covering up their tracks with disguises and fake names.
Long lost count of the masks he and Seongmin had to wear for them not to be found.
Needless to say, those days were exhausting and mentally draining. They had little to no opportunities to at least enjoy the places they’d ‘lived’ in, not even staying for at least one full year.
As time passed by, however, they managed to remain in one place for longer than they usually did. A couple of years in a rural town somewhere in southern India, several years in Croatia…
…until both of them got sick of having no permanent addresses. Until both of them got tired of changing names, changing faces every single day.
And so—South Korea.
Seongmin was against it, at first, seeing as the Sergeyev had business ‘partners’ within Seoul and Mokpo. There might also be a chance that the Sergeyev placed a unit within South Korea to keep watch, looking for any traces of him and Leewon. He only conceded when Leewon suggested staying in the South, preferably in a place by the sea.
Thus—Busan.
'How many years…?'
It was strange, admittedly. Strange to live in a city he once lived in, to try mingling with people who spoke his mother language. Strange to attempt blending in a crowd that he’d never thought he’d be with again.
A foreigner in one’s fatherland…
But somehow, he and Seongmin got by—with him working as a part-time university professor and Seongmin owning a pastry shop in Haeundae District. They both managed to settle down; with Seongmin finding his inner peace, and eventually having a happy family with his lovely wife and his sweet daughter.
Leewon couldn’t ask for anything more. It was what he always wished for, at least for his son—to live freely and find his own happiness.
As for his own wish…
He paused, glancing up at the sunset sky, and took a deep breath.
'In those years, have I found my own happiness?
In those years I tried to forget…have I found it?'
In this lifetime, he lived far longer than the past—a couple of years or so more, maybe—and way differently from before. In this lifetime, he met more people who eventually became acquaintances or friends…but never a lover.
Not that he couldn’t find one for himself, but he just couldn’t find it in his (wounded) heart to…to love. Or be with someone else, even.
Love someone else? Or just to share love towards others, beside his son? He wasn’t too sure.
Then again, it didn’t matter to Leewon if he died alone or not—he’d long found his own peace, peace that had evaded him ever since that day he met him.
And speaking of him…
How have you been?
*
As the skies’ colors gradually turned to deep, rich cobalt, the sea breeze became a little colder. Leewon wrapped his cardigan tighter around himself, rubbing his arms to keep himself warm somehow.
Suddenly he paused his steps, bare feet on cool, wet sand, and closed his eyes.
'Why am I feeling a faint sense of deja vu…?'
He took a deep breath, and—
Leewon felt someone stare at him, eyes boring into his back. Felt a presence he had never sensed for the past several decades.
He exhaled.
Slowly, he turned his body, looking at that person behind him.
Messy, silver hair slightly fluttering in the breeze, a tall figure clothed in a knitted sweater and old, comfortable jeans.
Their eyes met—
Leewon did not move.
Instead, he calmly waited as the other man ambled towards him. He was quiet, gazing only at him.
Only when he was a few steps away from Leewon did he stop, never taking his eyes off him.
In the faint glow from the early stars, Leewon could see the hint of silver in the other man’s eyes—nearly the same hue as his hair.
For a long moment, no one moved. No one said a word.
However, the way they looked at each other was a conversation in itself—a conversation only they could understand.
There were no thudding heartbeats, no rush of chilling frost or burning rage.
No sense of fear, of urgency to run; of the desire to chase.
Just…calmness. An odd sense of acquiescence of whatever fate had planned for both of them.
Decades had passed, the memories and emotions between them once thought to be long-forgotten.
'How strange,' Leewon mused, 'that it would only take one look to remember everything.'
Taking a deep breath, Leewon then held out his hand, a small smile on his lips.
“Would you like to have a walk with me?”
*
The walk by the seashore was quiet, save for the sound of their breaths, their bare feet walking on cool, damp sand and the waves rolling against the shore. No words were shared, only human warmth through their linked hands.
Leewon glanced at his companion, just to check up on him. His heart jolted—a little—when he caught silver-gray eyes gazing intently at him. As if drinking in every single detail that he’d missed for the past years.
Leewon stared back, his steps pausing. Inwardly he laughed at himself; in those thirty or so years that they’d been apart, he’d long forgotten how he’d looked like.
But now…he could read every single emotion in his eyes, clear as ocean's waters. He could hear every word the other man was trying to say, but for some reason, he could not.
'Have I truly forgotten you, or did I simply bury every single memory I had of you in the deepest recesses of my mind?'
“Would you like to sit down for a bit?” Leewon suggested, noticing the odd pallor in the other's face. “It seemed that walk made you a little tired.”
With a little help from Leewon, both of them sat on the sand. Immediately, the other man curled up against him, head tucked on Leewon’s shoulder. He enveloped Leewon tightly in his arms, and closed his eyes.
A light chuckle escaped Leewon’s lips, shaking his head. “You still haven’t changed one bit, I see.”
With an old, wrinkly hand, he smoothed the other man’s messy gray hair and hummed him a song from long ago.
“The sea waves rock the baby to sleep, the breeze keeps him company…”
His eyelids fluttered, recognizing the song. A lullaby he hadn’t heard for so long—a little song hummed to him in that desolate night in the middle of emptiness.
“...under the soft moonlight, the baby sleeps in peace…”
He could catch the lyrics now, and understand it a little bit. It was a sweet song once hummed by the man he could only love in any lifetime.
He leaned in a bit closer, breathing in the scent he’d terribly missed.
“...the waves will guide the baby home, gently, gently, gently…”
There was so much he wanted to say. Wanted to let the other man know, and wanted to reconcile with him.
If only he could have more days…
…but this was a punishment for his past sins, wasn’t it?
“...under the soft moonlight, the baby sleeps in peace.”
He could feel his eyelids getting heavier, the coldness in his body spreading to his fingertips. If only he could hold him for one last time, taste his lips again…
“The breeze sings him a tiny tune, with the sea as his large bed…”
“Lee…won,” he mumbles, weaker than a whisper. He could feel himself slipping away.
“...under the soft moonlight, the baby sleeps in peace.”
“An…nyeong.”
The lullaby stopped.
With a shaky hand, Leewon reached for the other man’s hand, trying to check his pulse. Lowering his head to the other’s chest, Leewon tried to hear a single heartbeat.
He was only answered with silence.
“Truly you have,” Leewon chuckled bitterly, “never changed. You still are…the man I knew so well.”
Leewon held him closer, burying his face in the other man’s hair.
“Is…is this how…we say our goodbyes?”
Leewon’s body shivered—not from the cold, but from the bittersweet pain of it all. He couldn’t stop his trembling, no matter how much he tried.
He couldn’t stop his heart from breaking all over again.
Perhaps this is not the meeting…that we would not regret in the end.
Leewon pressed his lips to the other man’s cool forehead, teardrops falling against pale skin.
“Have a peaceful sleep, my cruel little wolf.”
One last kiss on his cold lips, a greeting and a farewell.
“...Caesar.”