Chapter Text
Patience.
Stiles, even though many people might claim otherwise, knows patience. He is patient, he knows how to wait. Ever since they were 10 years old, Stiles and Derek were locked hip to hip.
At 11, they knew they were soulmates because of the mark that connected them.
At 15, Derek chickened out of their life long goal of being happy together, of being married and having kids and maybe a mansion somewhere... He argued that not all soulmates were romantic, he argued that he couldn't have his future decided for him by some mark on his skin, and that he wanted to know more about himself and the world before he could even decide if he wanted to be with Stiles.
At 15, Stiles started waiting.
At 15, Stiles felt the first crack on his heart.
At 16, Derek's first girlfriend died. Stiles felt horrible about how hopeful he felt that day- maybe Derek would come to him, maybe he would stop being so hurtful, so... so ignorant, maybe they could go back to how they were? But no. Derek didn't- he didn't want to see him again.
At 16, Stiles felt the second crack on his heart when he saw Derek and an older teacher- he tried convincing Derek this wasn't a good idea, he tried convincing Derek that she wasn't being a good teacher and that she was taking advantage of him- and Derek called him jealous, paranoid, accused him of saying those things because of the mark they carried, he called him many mean things that Stiles sometimes hears inside his head whenever he's alone or too tired. Words that echo through his mind till this day.
At 16, Stiles felt the third crack on his heart when he watched the Hale house burn. He felt the pack bonds tightly created straining, he was there first and he managed to break the mountain ash barrier, although he did get shot for it. Now he walks a bit funny. The crack to his heart happened when Derek appeared once more, looking heartbroken and confused, and then- well, Stiles just told everyone what he knew. Derek had been manipulated, had been tricked by an older teacher who turned out to be a hunter, and the Hales were saved by him... The look Derek gave him of pure, unfiltered hatred was what gave his heart the third crack.
Apparently Derek refused to believe his girlfriend had done this... until, of course, she came out of the woods holding a gun to Stiles' dad while ranting about how werewolves were unnatural creatures and should all be killed, bla bla bla, she got shot in the back of the head by a deputy and thus his dad was saved.
At 17, Stiles waited.
At 17, Stiles watched as Derek grew more distant from his pack. Guilt tightening its hold on his heart as he thought It was his fault, the reason Derek kept his distance from his pack- He endured, he waited.
At 18, Stiles saw Derek leave for college on New York.
At 18, Stiles left for college in New York too.
At 18, Stiles had his heart's fourth crack when he witnessed Derek dancing at a club with a pretty, small and lithe guy- for all this time he thought Derek didn't like men, but the way he was holding on to the other guy, grinning against him, and later would bring him to their apartment and fuck him against the mattress loud enough to rattle the walls.
Stiles thought he was drunk... but he wasn't.
At 19, Stiles had moved on to another apartment because Derek kept bringing people over- he got the hint and left the wolfman to his privacy.
At 19, Stiles felt the fifth crack on his heart grow when he witnessed Derek giving a pretty girl a valentines gift- something they would always gush about when they were young, because what he gave to her was a flower. A single flower that meant a lot to them, his mother's favorite flower and that he would always bring to her grave, a single white rose.
At 20, Stiles waited.
At 21, Stiles got washed up drunk and thought about just doing Derek a nice one and take himself out of the picture so he would be able to live his life free of anything and anyone to hold him back. He thought about his mom, and he didn't do it in the end.
At 21, his Spark manifested for the first time. A generational gift from his mother's side of the family, something that would grant him great power and authority in the magical side of the world and that, apparently, made him a good candidate for an Emissary.
At 21, Stiles felt his heart crack for the sixth time when he told Derek the good news, and all he got was a text that read [Ok].
At 21, Stiles left New York to train alongside Alan Deaton to learn how to become an Emissary.
At 22, Stiles went to Poland to learn more about his mother's side of the family.
At 25, Stiles returned home.
Not once did he get a call from Derek Hale.
The evening started okay.
Stiles entered the Hale house with a smile as he called out: "Hello, people! I'm back!" But nobody answered back, which was weird? He went further deep into the home, only to find everyone else in the backyard. People were gathered, smiling, and a barbecue was clearly happening.
"Oh, I didn't know you guys were preparing a welcome party!" With a large grin, Stiles chuckled at the surprised looks he got as he walked further into the fray of werewolves- he was tackled by tiny little paws and whining children that called "unca 'tiles!" with all their tiny might, and helped where he could.
"Stiles, dear, what a surprise!" Talia, beautiful as always, came to him with wide arms and a beautiful smile on her lips. Ever since his dad became the town's Sheriff, she has always been watching his diet like he asked of her. Which was why she had a plate with veggies ready by her side, which meant she was going to give to his dad! "We didn't know you were coming back today!"
This should've been his warning.
"Oh, what?" He chuckled awkwardly, trying to read her expression but unable to due to the old alphas experience with keeping her face blank of expressions and tells: "I remember sending a warning for you guys through Derek, I thought he'd tell you?"
"Oh, I guess he must've forgotten then!"
And then at the age 25, Stiles felt his heart crack for the seventh time as he turned to look at the gathered pack that surrounded the table, only to see a blond woman he hadn't met before- and then he saw Derek kissing her. And Stiles sighed, tightening his hold over the constant glamours all over his body that hid things away from werewolves, before he smiled.
"Oh, who's the new girl?"
And Talia winced- she fucking winced.
Stiles nodded, still smiling but his eyes no longer smiling like he had been- he was so tired. He has come home expecting his family to open their arms wide and welcome him, he expected them to be there for him, and instead here they were, with yet another cheap fucking replacement for him- well, she's not the problem. He immediately felt bad for blaming the girl, because she wasn't at fault here and he couldn't be a birch to Derek's new blond girlfriend that probably won't kill the Hales this time!
"Hi, I'm Stiles, nice to meet you!" He smile kept plastered on his face as he tried to will himself not to compare her to Kate Argent. He tried, he tried so deeply and so strongly that he felt his stomach clench and with the way he got a weird look from Cora beside him, most werewolves had probably heard it. "How long have you guys been dating?"
"Oh, hi!" She turned to him with a smile on her beautiful face- she had dimples, a few moles on her left cheek, and bright eyes that looked so wide when she smiled... "I'm Jess! It's nice to meet you- Derek's family hasn't stopped talking about you- They really seem to like you, huh? Cora here was telling me about the-" Sporadic, talks too much, her hands were moving everywhere and her mouth kept moving. "-Oh, right! Your question, right... Derek and I have been dating for about six months!"
Stiles couldn't help it.
She was- she was clearly a female version of him.
He couldn't keep his mouth shut.
Stress over flying across the sea while he's afraid of heights coupled with the feeling of being betrayed because his pack had a party for a complete unknown person while he expected at least a welcome back, the deep and seethed rage he felt when he saw Derek once more with somebody that wasn't him alongside the jealousy, the awe at the audacity that Derek had of having somebody to replace him with all his characteristics, and the pain he felt as his heart kept breaking into tiny pieces.
So it just... came out.
"I didn't know Derek was dating a blonde, considering the last time... But damn, six months? A miracle you haven't set the house on fire yet!"
And the party was soured.
Jess looked confused and a bit taken aback, but everyone looked at him with wide eyes or narrowed eyes, like they weren't sure they heard him right.
But Stiles... he found himself not giving a damn anymore.
"Sorry, sorry- That just came out, I can't help it." He waved his hand towards the girl, the wind picked up around her for a moment and her hair was masterfully tied to a braid with flowers blossoming to give her a beautiful flower crown around her head: "An apology gift, sweetheart, I didn't mean to compare you to Derek's last blond girlfriend that tried killing us all- and why is everyone looking at me like that?"
"Wha- did you just use magic?" Jess looked at her brain, touched her new flower crown, and looked up at him with wide eyes: "Magic is real!?"
Stiles turned to look at the pack like they were idiots- only to see Derek get up from his seat abruptly and loudly, looking at him with bright blue glowing eyes. "You- why do you always have to make my life worse!?"
Stiles felt his heart breaking, so he just shrugged like he hadn't done anything wrong as he said: "Sorry? Nobody told me she was unaware!" Then, with a lifted eyebrow, he grinned back at Derek: "Besides, it's not like this relationship is lasting that long anyways... considering your self sabotaging and car crash of a personality, plus your anger issues and your habit of turning everything into an excuse to go for the throat." He then slowly pulled the sleeve of his shirt up, enjoying the look of shock on Jess' eyes as he tapped at the heart shaped tattoo on his arm that grew into vines that blossomed into flowers: "And plus, we have this thing too- she would've learned about it, and then you'd have to explain to her you're disgusted by your soulmate and then it'd become too awkward..."
Derek seemed to grow even angrier- but instead of doing anything about it, he turned around and ran into the forest at the house's back.
"Tsk, coward." Stiles clicked his tongue, unbothered by the looks he got. He then turned to look at Jess, smiled apologetically as he said: "Sorry that you had to see that, sweetheart. It's a problem I've been dealing with for 10 years now, it has nothing to do with you."
And- well, things got awkward after that. Jess excused herself after a long and awkward 30 minutes in which Stiles went on a tirade about trolls and their eating habits to fill the empty noiseless backyard, making the kids who weren't socially aware yet giggle and laugh at his childish jokes about trolls and bridges.
And then when he got up from the table, Cora took his hand.
"It wasn't cool, what you did." Stiles blood started boiling. "You need to apologize to Der-"
"No." With a roll of his eyes, Stiles tugged at his hand to get her to let go- which she did, thankfully- as he said with the utmost sarcasm and poison in his lips that he could gather: "Besides, he needs to hear that before he gets everyone killed- I wasn't here this time, what guarantees that blond one is not a secret psycho ready to kill everyone?"
"So you're lashing out because you're jealous, now?" Stiles felt his blood start steaming as Talia, Derek's mother walked into the conversation, sighing only like a disappointed parent could and taking his hand on hers as a sign of comfort and trust, but it felt like his hands were burning "Stiles, you need to give Derek time... I know it must hurt, believe me I know how it feels how it's like to have a soulmate that ignores or denies your connection. You need to wait-"
Stiles snapped.
"-Wait?"
With a sharp pull from his hand, Stiles freed himself from the hand that was holding him. He turned to glare at Talia, the corner of his eyes carrying the weight of tears unshed; "I waited for your son to get his head out of his ass- I waited for your son to finally accept me, I waited for him to finally say yes when all he said was no, for 10 fucking years!"
Talia didn't know what to say, her eyes widened in surprise. Everyone else was quiet as well as they watched.
"I waited-"
Sitting alone at a breakfast table, Stiles held onto the last slice of his birthday cake, that he wanted to give to Derek. Derek was at another kid's birthday party now, so Stiles would wait until he came back to give it to him.
"-and waited-"
Looking out at him from the bleachers, Stiles smiled as Derek scored yet another point- he wasn't paying attention to the sport, he was paying attention to his soulmate. He waited there with a towel and a water bottle for him, pretending not to notice the pitiful looks he received from many people who knew that he was Derek's soulmate yet watched as said guy rushed into the arms of a dark haired girl, who gave him a water bottle and wiped his sweat with her own towel.
"-and waited-"
Alone, yet again by the porch, Stiles took a deep breath as the party inside raged on. His humble yet heartfelt gift on his hand clenched tight so he would not miss it, a simple pendant that Stiles worked all summer to buy for his soulmate and yet had no money left to put it in a decent box. He entered the home, dodging drunk teens, and searched for Derek- by this point he had been hiding the soul mark he shared with Derek, so not many people looked at him with pity anymore.
And he found Derek, in his room. As he opened the door, there he was, with Paige in his bed.
Stiles dropped the pendant and awkwardly bid the duo an apologetic goodbye as he hurriedly closed the door.
He was out of the house faster than when he got in.
"-and waited-"
This time he was staring right at Derek's teenage face, glowing blue eyes that stared at him with as much rage and anger as they could, the words: "You worthless piece of shit, can't you just let me have one good thing!? Do you always have to make my life a living hell!? I don't even fucking want you! I wish I knew how to get rid of you, you annoying, loud mouthed, parasite!" echoing inside his head.
"-and fucking waited!"
His voice, hoarse and yet loud as he screamed himself to the brink of a panic attack, stopped vibrating their around him. Taking deep breaths, Stiles turned to glare at the mother of the man that made him suffer, and he couldn't stop himself from crying: "-I endured 10 fucking years feeling like a sack of worthless shit while your son tried mending his broken heart while breaking mine- I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited for him and now that I'm tired, you tell me to wait!?"
"Stiles-"
"NO!" He slapped away the hand reaching out for him, his chest hurting, his world spinning, his mind screaming at him: "No- You- your fucking son has made my life miserable because he is a coward." With a chuckle that sounded manic even to his own ears, Stiles tugged at the pack bonds- every werewolf there winced a little at the sudden and sharp jolt they felt. "I loved him, you know... I loved him so fucking much, I gave him my heart and-"
He felt it crack once more.
"-and now I don't... I don't even have anything more to give."
He had nothing left.
He gave Derek everything.
...so this time, he's taking.
"I. AM. DONE."
His fingers clenched around his skin where the soulmate mark tattoo stood, his fingers digging into the flesh as he tugged and pulled- a hand tried to stop him, but his magic lashed out at them and threw whoever it was away from him, his blood pooled into the ground as he pulled, his nails growing sharper under his will, and his eyes more erratic and wider. "He hates this so much, he was so fucking ashamed of it for so fucking long- guess what!? I don't- want it- anymore!" With a final shout, he ripped the piece of skin and flesh off of his arm that contained the soul mark. He threw it on the ground, his eyes wide and his eyes shedding tears with the consistency of a waterfall.
He turned to look at his pack, only to see how they were horrified. Many eyes were staring at his bloody shoulder, while others looked at the piece of meat and skin on the ground.
"-and you."
He pulled at the pack bonds, making everyone look back at him. The anger and disgust on his voice conveying his mood pretty well.
"You watched it all happen-" He started mocking them, mocking their voices, repeating advice he heard from them a thousand times over and over again: "- just wait, Stiles! He'll come around, Stiles! You can't force him to accept the bond, Stiles!!!"
This time, the one to speak was Uncle Peter, who was looking at him a bit scared but mostly concerned. He was slowly approaching him, his sister having been thrown off by a blast of magic into a tree. "Pup- what are you doing- please, let us help-"
"..." Stiles paused, his manic mood receding for a moment. He held unto the pack bonds as he looked at his uncle: "Uncle Peter... what does it feel like when you lose a pack bond? I... I have lost Derek's so long ago, I don't even- I can't feel it anymore."
"It's-" Peter swallowed, looking sadly at him, eyes full of unshed tears: "It's like losing a limb, painful, sometimes sudden, and with a lot of pain." He chuckled for a second, a distant look taking over his eyes as he reminisced about a long time ago, but his face closed off and he sounded tired, dead tired as he said: "It feels like dying, little one."
Stiles looked down at his chest, concentrating and manifesting the pack bonds- strings of endless color and light flowed from his heart and into the hearts of all werewolves and humans there present and afar. His dad, who was on shift about now- Gods, how could he have forgotten about that!? He truly is stupid -had his bond fading away after a few meters out into his direction, but there was one that was missing.
A frayed, broken thing that everyone there knew connected right to Derek, but it was torn. Gone. Burnt. Stiles looked fondly at them, tugging at a few, playing with a small, pink one that belonged to a small little pup, he felt his resolve frail and weaken...
But then he smiled at his uncle, asking: "...what does it it like to lose 30 of them, then?"
And with a swift and deadly motion, he pulled.
A physical manifestation of a cartoonist heart materialized before him, the pack bonds all connecting to that heart. Said heart was was full of cracks and it leaked black blood, its cracks widened and got closer to one another.
"...I'm so tired, uncle." Stiles' finger reached out for the heart; "I waited... Nobody helped, nobody cared, but I waited- i waited and I waited because that was all I could do."
"Stiles- please, whatever it is that you're gonna do-"
"...I just wanna sleep." All the heat and hatred faded from his body, the blood loss finally catching to him as he sighed. His body going limp, the cracks growing wider and closer on the heart as he said: "...I don't care anymore- I'm done... Derek Hale has finally managed to get rid of me, huh?" There were shapes rushing at him, his magic letting them go- he didn't even noticed that he had been holding them still, too focused on his own breakdown.
"...Mom, I guess I'll be there with you."
And the heart shattered into thousand pieces.
Instantly, all pack members- from oldest to youngest -felt the bond snap and break, burning away into nothingness within their hearts. And Stiles' mind, full of pain and misery, tired beyond what it could hold after unleashing a decade's worth of pent up rage and sadness upon the Hale pack and feeling the same pain they were all going through but 30 times as much and as strong, receded.
It was too much to bear.
Stiles entered a coma then and there.
His last thoughts before darkness took him over were of making others wait for him, instead of he waiting for them.
Those were the only thoughts he'd have for 5 years until he wakes up again.