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‘I saw your green hair, beauty mark next to your mouth. There on the subway, I nearly had a breakdown’
“Take care of yourself,”
And just like that, Jiseok was left alone on the dim subway platform. The way that words were still echoing in her head, her eyes glued to Jungsu's back as she walked into the coach, terrified she would disappear if she blinked. The small mole at the nape of her neck, the place where she used to press soft kisses against her neck, leaving a mark. Her wavy brunette hair fell just below her shoulders.
The way Jungsu used to sit in between her legs on the couch scrolling on her phone while she played with Jungsu's hair.
"Unnie... Jungsu unnie," Jiseok's voice broke before it could even rise. She wanted to scream, to reach out, to stop her but my body wouldn't move.
Jungsu never turned around. She won't even look at me for the last time. Was I really nothing to her?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
More people flooded into the train as the doors were about to close. It became even harder to see her through the crowd right now.
Jiseok thought she could handle the break up really well. It is her first real relationship. Breaking up hurts so bad. God, it hurts so bad.
Her knees weakened before she could even steady herself, she collapsed onto the cold platform floor, ignoring the stares around her. Her hand clutched desperately at her chest. The pain was so sharp it felt physical, as if something inside her was being torn apart.
The thought of never seeing Jungsu again wrapped itself around her chest like a tightening rope. Every memory they ever made suddenly felt like it was slipping away.
And Jiseok was left alone, clinging to what Jungsu already let go of.
‘A few weeks later, somebody wore your perfume. It almost killed me I had to leave the room'
It hasn't been a month since she left, and Jiseok's friends keep saying, "Life goes on," She knows they mean well. She tried. Jiseok still goes to class like usual. She eats lunch alone. She does everything alone. And honestly, she used to be fine with that. Before she met Jungsu, solitude was her normal. But now, loneliness feels different. It feels like the absence of something she once believed would stay.
Everything reminds me of Jungsu. Even the smallest, stupidest things.
The road to the class is the worst. Jungsu used to walk beside her every morning, pointing out every wildflower they passed like there were tiny miracles only she could notice. Jiseok tried eating at different places now, avoiding their usual spot, but the food still brings Jungsu back to her. They had the same favorite dish which is kimchi jjigae, but she can't order it anymore without feeling her chest tighten.
Jiseok always hated egg whites, and Jungsu couldn't stand egg yolks, so they'd exchange without even thinking. It became their little ritual. She never finished her rice so Jiseok would usually offer her tofu to Jungsu instead. "At least eat this," Jiseok would say. "But it's yours," She'd pout. "It's fine. I don't even like tofu that much. You know that,"
She'd roll her eyes, pretending she wasn't smiling.
Now Jiseok stares at a bowl of food and all she feels is the ache of missing those tiny moments.
This feeling is still unfamiliar to her. Jiseok has never gone through a break up before, and she never imagined it would hurt like this. Why do I feel so defeated? Don't I get a say in this? I kept thinking, what if I fought harder? What if I held on tighter? But she looked at me and said, “This isn't working out. It's not you. It's me,” How am I supposed to respond to that? Why couldn't we fix whatever the problem was? And she’s gone, and Jiseok was left alone.
“Unnie, you smell very nice,” Jiseok said while kissing her neck. “Hmm,” She just hummed. Probably knew what she was gonna say. Jiseok said that every time they made out. “ I can't stop kissing you,”
Jungsu's hands wrapped around my neck and the kiss became more intense. Jiseok's hands were on her hips.
The kiss was sloppy and they were changing saliva. Jungsu got more desperate in the kiss as she slowly moved her hips trying to feel more.
"Nghh unnie," Jiseok moaned in between the kisses. It feels too good. Jiseok felt overwhelmed by it. "You want me to stop?" Jungsu said as she pushed her body slowly onto the bed. She tucked Jiseok's hair that was sticking on her sweaty forehead behind her ears.
"No please... Unnie..." It almost sounds like she was begging. Jiseok was. Jungsu leaned in again, their lips are so close and all Jiseok can hear is their breath almost sounds like a cry of desperation, wanting for more. Her hands cupped Jiseok's cheeks very softly and carefully like they were very fragile and could break at any moment.
"I love you Jiseok," She whispered in her breath before kissing Jiseok again, every second became deeper and deeper. Jiseok's hands were on her head, wanting more. She wants her more than anything right now. The kiss was deep, and it felt different from their other kisses.
Jiseok became so overwhelmed by the kiss, and she didn't want this to end, she wants this to be forever. She never felt being held and loved like this before. Before she even realized it, tears were flowing down my eyes. She kissed Jungsu harder, like she needed her just to keep breathing. Jiseok's tears slid down her cheeks and onto their mouth, warm and trembling.
"Hey," Jungsu broke the kiss, wiping away my tears and looking at me with concern. Jiseok couldn't say anything so she just shook her head. She grabbed Jungsu's face and kept kissing her again. "I don't want this to end..." Jiseok said in between the kisses.
Jungsu was in awe. Then she kissed me again, slow and steady. "I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever".
Then the kissing gets more intense and addicting. Jiseok's fingers threading to her hair, guiding her closer as their lips moved together, messy, emotional and trembling.
Jungsu pressed her body against Jiseok's. Her hands slowly slid down to her waist, gripping it gently before she started kissing Jiseok's neck. Jiseok couldn’t help but let out a small moan because of the warm, wet sensation. Jiseok wrapped her hands around Jungsu’s neck.
‘I cannot go on like this anymore,’ Jiseok said to herself.