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“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
The words echoed in Mel’s head every day. She consciously avoided Dana after she’d said those words to her in the stairwell. She’d had enough.
Enough of people not understanding her. Enough of people leaving her behind. Enough of it all.
She threw herself into work with every fiber of her being. At least if she was busy, she’d stop thinking about it. She picked up as many shifts as she could, pushed herself well past exhaustion and straight into autopilot. She saw more of the ER than her own home. It got to the point that Abbot intervened and forced her to go home and get some rest, telling her she had reached her maximum amount of hours she could work for the week.
She saw Becca less and less, through no fault of her own. Every time she wanted to swing by Middle Hill, Becca was busy with her boyfriend or her boyfriend’s parents, or one of the many friends she had there. So Mel walked home alone, bracing herself against the cold, bitter clang in her heart.
She was so used to being the happy one, the positive one, the one person everyone could count on to have a good attitude. But now she stayed in her lane, did her work, and kept her head down.
She even distanced herself from Langdon, despite it being hard to do at first. She’d been so happy when he returned because finally, finally, the one person that truly understood her was back. But after the Becca bombshell, and Langdon’s own drama with his wife, Mel stopped seeking him out. What was the point, if he was just going to leave her too?
It was possible that Mel was holding resentment towards him for leaving in the first place. She knew it wasn't his choice, that he needed to go to rehab to get better. But a selfish part of her hated him for leaving without saying goodbye, or without leaving her a way to contact him. It had been so lonely.
It was one of those days where she was doing everything in her power to avoid pretty much everyone except when necessary that Langdon sidled up to her while she charted at central.
“Are you okay?” His trademark question. One Mel used to answer eagerly.
“Fine,” she said, not even turning to look at him.
In the corner of her vision, she saw him tilt his head at her. “Mel.”
She kept her eyes on her computer. Maybe if she ignored him, he’d leave her alone. But she could still feel his warm presence at her side.
“Mel.” This time her name came out of his mouth more sharply, almost sternly.
She finally turned to him, averting his ice blue gaze. “Do you need help with something?”
“Do you?” His eyebrows raised. He glanced around like he was checking to see if anyone could hear them, then opened his mouth, and closed it again. “Can you step out into the ambulance bay with me?” His tone was a little desperate, but Mel didn’t want to give in.
“I have charting to do.”
“Five minutes. Please.”
Mel sighed, knowing that she wouldn’t be left alone until Langdon had his way. She followed him out into the chill air of the ambulance bay, wrapping her sweatshirt around her shoulders a bit tighter.
Langdon didn’t say anything at first, just seemed to be surveying her in a way that was familiar. It was what he did when he was assessing patients.
“I’m fine,” Mel snapped. “You can stop your assessment.”
Langdon’s eyes narrowed at her. “I don’t think you’re telling the truth.”
“How can you tell me that I’m wrong about my own feelings?” She snapped again.
“Look, I’m not the only one who’s concerned about you.” He tousled his hair with one hand, gripped the back of his neck with the other. “Abbot told me about your crazy work hours. And to be honest Mel, you’ve been walking around like a ghost.”
Mel recoiled. “What?”
Langdon crossed his arms. Mel knew he did this when he was close to pushing against something sensitive. “You’re losing weight. You look like you haven’t slept in days. You won't talk to anyone.” He was the one who averted his gaze now. “You won't talk to me,” he whispered softly.
“I’m perfectly healthy. I’ve been working more to take care of some personal things but none of that is your business.”
Langdon looked at her like he saw right through the statement. “Is Becca okay?”
Mel scoffed. “Better than ever.” She must have said it too sarcastically because Langdon's brows lifted again.
Knowing she was due for more of his scrutiny, she rushed to push the conversation along. “Look, I’m fine. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. I’ve got patients to see.” She pushed past him but he gently grabbed her wrist, making her flinch. When he saw this, he immediately let go, hands in the air.
“Sorry,” he rushed out. He knew how much she hated unexpected contact. “But you can tell me if something is bothering you. I thought we were sort of friends.”
“We are,” Mel said curtly. “But I don’t need to share every detail of my life with you.”
“What about any detail, Mel?” He shouted, sounding exasperated. “You’ve been so distant it’s like I don’t even know you! You don’t laugh at my jokes anymore or smile when you walk in for the day. I hate that new look on your face like you’re just passing time not even in your own body! You go out of your way to avoid talking to me.” His voice turned desperate. “Did I do something to you? Tell me now and I’ll apologize and we can go back to the way we were!”
Mel had never seen him look so distraught, not even after losing a patient. She didn’t want to read too much into it.
But his words, and his tone, shook her. Once again, he proved that he could see right through her. It made her angry, that he seemed to know her better than she knew herself.
“You-you didn’t do anything,” Mel said, barely able to get the words out. “I’m not mad at you.”
“Then what is it? I know Becca has been more independent. I know that hurts you. But why won’t you let anyone in anymore?”
Mel turned to the side so he couldn't see the tears escaping from her eyes. She hated crying at work, especially in front of him.
“Mel,” he said, softly this time. He reached for her but she slipped away.
“Dana said I had to stop feeling sorry for myself,” she whispered to the wall, but she knew he heard her.
“She said that to me too,” Langdon said. “My first day back. What piece of shit advice.”
A laugh escaped Mel's throat. “The only way to stop feeling sorry for myself is to stop putting myself in situations where I CAN feel sorry for myself.”
“Like letting people in when they might leave again?” Langdon asked softly.
Mel turned to look at him, face him head on with her eyes full of tears. She nodded.
“I’m not going anywhere.” It was only 4 words, but they sounded wrong to Mel.
“You don’t know that,” Mel said, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to make herself feel smaller.
“You’re right,” Langdon scoffed, running his hands through his hair again.
“Why do you even care so much anyway?”
The words seemed to make Langdon shutter, his throat swallowing quickly. “I care about you Mel. I think we’re more similar than you think.”
Mel looked at him questioningly. He sighed, kicked at the ground, hesitant.
“My wife divorced me. Took the kids. I can only see them when we arrange visits.”
“What?” Mel shouted. “When did this happen?” She knew that Langdon and his wife were on rocky soil, but she didn’t know they’d separated.
“Three months ago. Didn’t want to broadcast it to the whole ER. Everyone knows too much of our business as it is.”
“I’m sorry,” Mel said.
“Nothing to be sorry for, it’s me that fucked it all up. Things weren’t great between me and Abby long before the pills and the rehab. But she stayed with me, I think because she felt bad for me. And then I recovered and I was doing well and suddenly she was handing me divorce papers. Said she thought I was ready.”
“Langdon,” Mel whispered. “I didn’t know.” She suddenly felt so stupid. If she hadn’t been so preoccupied with herself she would have noticed him hurting, noticed him needing a friend just as much as she needed one.
He looked at her, locking eyes with hers. “You’re not the only one who feels alone around here. I’m not exactly the most popular guy around.”
They shared a moment of silence, looking into what felt like each other’s souls, recognizing a kindred spirit.
“I’m sorry,” Mel said again. “You’re right. I am angry. But not at you.”
He stayed silent, letting her speak. It was something she loved so much about him, that he never interrupted her. Other people always left before she could finish a thought or tell them what was going on. But never him.
“I'm angry at Becca. I’m angry at my parents. I’m angry at myself.” She took a deep breath in, the words spilling out of her before she could stop them. Langdon was like her own personal truth serum. She never seemed to be able to lie to him.
“Do you know what it’s like to never be someone’s first thought? From the day I was born, I was always considered last because I was the one who was ‘okay’. I was the one who everyone didn’t need to worry about. And I took pride in that position for a while, I felt proud of being a good caretaker. I mean, it’s why I even went into medicine in the first place.”
Mel sniffed, holding back more tears. “But god-” her voice cracked. “Sometimes I just want to be considered first.”
Langdon’s eyes softened as he took in her confession. His arms reached out, wanting to comfort her but not cross any boundaries. “Mel.”
“I know, I know. It’s selfish.” She turned away from him yet again, her brain still telling her not to let him in.
“Mel,” Langdon said in that forceful tone again. He gripped her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. “I don’t think anyone could ever call you selfish.”
The tears poured out of her eyes, leaking onto the space where his fingers met her face. For a brief moment, he stroked her jaw, his eyes betraying a deeper, more confusing emotion.
“We’ve got a STEMI coming in hot, ETA about 2 minutes,” Dana said, barging into the bay and interrupting the moment.
“Uh, yeah, thanks Dana,” Langdon said, his voice rough as he ripped his hand from Mel’s face. Mel could feel Dana eyeing both of them before she disappeared back into the ED.
Mel turned to Langdon, feeling awkward now.
“Thanks,” she said after a moment. “For listening to me rant.”
Langdon didn’t seem to be able to find words. He just flexed his fingers, the ones that had been touching her face moments before, again and again.
“Always,” he eventually said.
Mel turned to head inside to grab a trauma gown but before she could reach the doors, Langdon said, “Wait.”
She turned.
“I think about you,” Langdon said in a rush.
“What?”
“I think about you,” he said again. “You said you wanted to be considered first. And I do. Consider you, I mean. You’re the first person I look for when I come into work. If you’re not here, I know I’m going to have a bad day.”
Mel was too stunned to speak. She could feel her cheeks burning, her mouth falling open the more he spoke.
“You’re special Mel. I see the way you treat your patients, the way you so genuinely care about what you do. Please don’t let yourself believe that no one thinks about you. I do. I guarantee your patients do too.”
“I-” Mel tried to speak but she was floundering. She felt like someone had poured water into her lungs or set her on fire, she couldn’t tell. “I think about you too, you know.”
His eyes fluttered, a small sigh of relief passing through his body.
“I was avoiding you because of how much I thought about you, how much I cared about your friendship. But that was silly of me.”
Langdon nodded, biting back a genuine smile. “Friends again?” He asked, though his voice was slightly rough.
Mel's was too as she said, “Friends again.”
But she wasn’t sure friends was quite accurate. Their conversation had steered into something deeper, something neither of them wanted to name just yet.
She felt lighter as they worked through the STEMI. It reminded her of the first day they had met. They were so different now, but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe different was what they needed.
And maybe this thing, whatever it was, between them was needed too. Someone to understand, someone to listen. Most importantly, someone to think of.
Mel went to bed with Langdon’s words echoing in her thoughts, a small smile gracing her face.
Right before she fell asleep, she decided. She’d had enough. And she was finally choosing herself.