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ARE YOU SURE you don't mind letting us borrow your van for this, Dad?" Logan Argia asked his father as they loaded the last couple of boxes from Logan's room into the trunk.
"Absolutely," his Dad, Patton, nodded seriously. "I carpool to work already and can borrow one of your brothers' cars while you're gone if I need to go get groceries or anything like that, and I'd much rather you all go on this epic journey in a solid vehicle with sturdy tires and good gas mileage."
"This 'epic journey' is only going to take four days round trip," Logan pointed out dryly as he pressed the button to close the trunk. "Maybe five if the twins decided to play tourist for a day before coming back home. Not even those two could make it take twenty years."
"Was that an Odyssey joke?" one of the aforementioned twins asked suspiciously before Remus poked his head out from the left sliding door. "From Logan?"
"Maybe he's finally admitting that this is his epic quest to join his true love and chase away all the handsome but villainous suitors vying for his beloved's hand!" Roman piped up, twisting around in the front passenger seat and leaning back through the gap between the seats to stick his head out next to his brother's.
"No," Logan huffed, folding his arms and glowering at the pair. "I repeat: Virgil is not my 'true love', he is my best friend, and I am transferring my credits and moving down to Florida to live with him while we both finish our respective degrees because it's more cost-effective for us to share accommodations both during school and the inevitable job hunt during and afterwards."
This was completely true, of course, and was also helped along by the fact that Florida would be one of the best starting places for both Logan and his best friend, Virgil Chevalier, to find work in their fields after graduation. The Kennedy Space Center was right there for Logan's ambitions to work in astrophysics engineering, after all. Virgil was more reticent and wary of jinxing himself if he got too excited about his burgeoning music career, but Logan figured he could be confident in Virgil's skills and chances enough for the both of them.
"You didn't say anything about fending off suitors," Roman pointed out as Remus faked gagging.
"Because it didn't warrant a reply," Logan snapped back. "Virgil is more than capable of fending off any unwanted advances himself, as you might recall from when he visited us over Christmas last year and Remus made a pass at him."
"Mm, still not sure if he was fighting or flirting with me," Remus said, waggling his eyebrows.
"He held a knife to your throat while telling you to keep your hands to yourself or lose them," Logan deadpanned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Granted, Logan had known that Virgil wouldn't actually seriously hurt his brother (and had quietly reassured their Dad of that fact out of the twins' hearing), but he wasn't going to say so. Remus didn't exactly have much in the way of self-preservation at the best of times, less when he was attracted to someone. Turning to Patton, he asked just a bit plaintively "And are you sure I have to take them along?"
"Sorry, kiddo," Patton said, patting his eldest son on the shoulder. "Someone needs to go along to drive the van back once you get there, and I have to work. Plus, you know what the twins are like when they're separated for too long."
Logan grimaced. He did indeed remember what happened when Roman and Remus were separated for too long, as did the former school guidance counselor and half the teachers at T. E. Sanders Middle School. It had been a mess when the administrators had put Roman and Remus in different home rooms and different class brackets for seventh grade, even for lunch. It turned out that, as energetic and dramatic as the twins could be together, they actually balanced each other out. Apart, Roman got quiet and insecure and wouldn't speak up at all, and Remus got fidgety and anxious and started blurting out worst case scenarios and some rather disturbing speculations, at least according to his teachers.
Naturally, Patton had filed a request to have the twins' schedules changed so they weren't being kept apart. Instead of just adjusting their schedules to at least give the twins one class together during the day, the guidance counselor had claimed the twins had "unhealthy codependency levels" and had doubled down on the separation. He had put Roman in the school's Drama Club to "bring him out of his shell" while assigning detention after detention to Remus and suggesting they look into getting him therapy or put on medication.
It was one of the few times that Logan remembered seeing their Dad well and truly furious. Granted, he hadn't been any happier with the school administration, but there had been a lot less Logan could do to help as a high school sophomore. He also had no idea what actually happened to resolve the situation. Patton had called their Uncle Jay and the two of them had attended a private meeting with the school administrators and the guidance counselor in question, the end result being that the guidance counselor was fired and a new one brought in, the twins' schedules were changed to give them half their classes together, and Remus joined Roman in Drama Club.
That had, perhaps, been the only good thing to come out of the entire debacle. With Remus near by to support or heckle as he chose, Roman had blossomed on the stage. Likewise, with Roman there to bounce ideas off and temper the wilder, less feasible ideas, Remus had flourished with writing scripts and playing with costumes and special effects make-up. High school had only increased their passion and refined their skills, to the point that they were looking at the nearby community college for a theatrical arts major next year. Logan suspected the two would end up working for the same theatre company one day.
And this figurative trip down the metaphorical "memory lane" was not getting them on the much more literal road down to Florida any faster.
"Besides," Patton hummed in a lower voice, leaning in conspiratorially, "you know you're gonna want them there, if only to hold the phone for the video call when you get there."
"Will I though?" Logan asked, smirking when Patton lightly swatted his shoulder. "Alright, alright. You remember how to connect to the Zoom meeting?"
"Yes, Logan, and I have the post-it note on the side of my computer with the instructions just in case," Patton assured him, pulling his son in for one last hug. "Now go ahead and get going, your motel reservation for the night is all the way down in South Carolina!"
"I'll call you when we reach the motel," Logan promised as he slid into the driver's seat.
"Remember to stop for food, gas, bathrooms, and stretching breaks!" Patton called as the twins pulled themselves back into their respective seats and Remus hit the button to close the sliding door. "Remus, Roman, don't drive your brother too crazy!"
It was only sixteen hours or so from Paramus, New Jersey, to Orlando, Florida, without stops. They would be stopping after about ten and a half hours for the night in Sumter, South Carolina, at the Red Roof Inn. From there it would only be another six or so hours to Orlando, and just to be safe he and Virgil had scheduled their appointment for three in the afternoon. They had packed everything they would need for three of them to drive down and two to drive back up, had their phones and charging cables and an extra power block. Logan sent a surreptitious text to Virgil to let him know they were on their way, then switched his phone to Google Maps and plugged in the address for the motel.
"Reset the Cow Counter!" Roman declared as Logan backed out of the driveway, pulling out a notebook and pencil to draw up a rough score card grid.
"Are we there yet?" Remus joked even as he waved back at their Dad through the back window.
…This was going to be a long trip.
WE NEED TO stop for gas before we leave Jersey," Roman said after only about fifteen minutes.
"The gas prices are not going to be any cheaper here than they will be further south," Logan warned him.
"I know!" Roman exclaimed. "But the other states make you pump your own gas like a commoner! Or worse— an adult!"
"You are actually an adult now. You know that, right?"
"On a technicality only!"
CAN WE DRIVE through DC?" Remus asked as they crossed into Pennsylvania.
"I'm going to regret asking this… why?" Logan sighed.
"So we can drive down Pennsylvania Avenue and I can moon the White House!"
"…You know what? Fine."
"Yay!"
THAT WAS MORE boring than I thought it would be," Remus admitted as he pulled his pants back up.
"What did you think would happen?" Roman asked, not looking up from his phone.
"I dunno… kinda thought maybe the Secret Service would shoot at us."
"Well, I got a picture of your noble efforts to get us murdered for you to put on Instagram if you want to."
"Fuck that Meta shithole, that masterpiece is going on tumblr!"
VIRGINIA IS FOR lovers'," Roman read aloud from the Welcome To Virginia sign.
"Some exclusions apply, void where queer, trans, polyamorous, or single," Remus intoned from where he lay stretched out across the bench seats in what was technically the middle row but might as well have been the back given the expanded trunk space. "Did you know that having sex if you're not married is actually banned in Virginia? I mean, it's just a misdemeanor, but still!"
"For a state that claims to be for lovers, they sure don't make it easy to love!" Roman huffed.
"Republicans," Remus and Logan chorused.
"Jinx!" Remus cried, cackling. "You owe me a burger!"
"McDonald's for lunch, it is," Logan agreed.
OH, HEY, I claim fifteen cows and twenty sheep!"
"Are we doing sheep as well as cows?"
"And horses! Speaking of which, I claim ten horses and twenty-five cows!"
"I claim the other twenty-three cows… and I put them in the barn."
"I put my horses in the barn!"
"Not the cows?"
"I want the chance to marry those, and not like that, Remus!"
"Spoil all my fun…."
OKAY, THAT'S IT, I've had enough of this shit!" Remus exclaimed as he sat up and began rooting through his bag for wherever he had put his phone.
"What now?" Roman twisted around in the seat to look at his twin.
"I'm calling that 'Shane' guy with a complaint!" Remus growled as he punched in a number, practically stabbing the screen with his finger.
"It won't do any good," Logan felt the need to point out.
"It'll do me some good!" Remus snarled. A moment later, his voice was perfectly pleasant as he said, "Hi, is this Shane's office? Mmhm, well, could you please tell your boss that I'm in pain from having to see seven of his stupid billboards practically back to back within five miles of highway?!"
"Well?" Roman asked as Remus dropped the phone back into his bag.
"She hung up on me."
"Shocker."
LOGAN, LOGAN, PULL the car over!" Roman exclaimed, slapping at Logan's arm.
"What? What's wrong?" Logan asked as he carefully guided the van over to the side of the road.
"Nothing!" Roman assured him, already unbuckling his sea belt. "But I have never seen such a gorgeous view as from up in these mountains and I desperately need pictures!"
"You could just drive off and leave him here," Remus commented from far too close to Logan's ear for him to still be buckled in either.
Logan hesitated. The idea was rather tempting at the moment. However… "You get out, too, first."
Remus let out an offended gasp, one hand pressed to his chest.
"Why is Remus in my seat?" Roman asked when he got back to the van, climbing in through the side door without any real argument.
"My turn up front," Remus answered, putting his feet up on the dashboard. "Logan still owes us McDonald's."
I CLAIM FIFTY cows!"
"Fine, I claim the other thirty-five over there!"
"I claim one truckload of a thousand chickens."
"What?!"
"Where?!"
"Holy shit, that's a lot of chickens…"
"You might even call them—"
"Don't—"
"—poultry in motion!"
MCDONALD'S, MCDONALD'S, MCDONALD'S!" Remus and Roman chanted as Logan pulled off the highway at the indicated exit and found the McDonald's thankfully close by. The twins cheered as Logan pulled up to the drive-thru, only to start booing loudly when Logan ordered a small black coffee and nothing else.
"Two fifty-three," the cashier said as they got to the window. "Road trip with the kids?"
"How'd you guess?" Logan deadpanned.
"I have to go to the bathroom," Roman whined in his most annoying tones as Remus blew a raspberry.
"I swear, I will turn this car around!"
I CLAIM FORTY cows!"
"Ha! I marry my cows!"
"I marry my chickens."
"Kinky~"
"Damn it, Remus!"
FUEL STOP AND driver swap," Remus declared as he pointed out the front windshield at the big Love's sign with an Arby's attached.
"Next exit after this one is a Sheetz," Logan disagreed. "The van can run on Unleaded Eighty-Eight fuel, and that's frequently much cheaper than regular gas as well as being more efficient and environmentally friendly."
"How come we don't have that in Jersey?" Roman asked, frowning.
"Something something corporate stranglehold?" Remus suggested.
"More like New Jersey's personnel pump laws," Logan sighed. "Anyway, there's made to order food available as well as the cooler drinks and bathrooms, so take advantage of it while we can."
REMUS, THE MAP says to get off onto seventy-seven south here," Logan warned.
"That's gonna take us around the city," Remus argued. "It's a much shorter trip to go straight through!"
"Straight isn't automatically better," Roman argued from the back seat. "You should know that by now!"
"Well, in terms of the shortest travel distance and thus the shortest travel time, it is!" Remus huffed as he drove past the exit they were supposed to take.
Logan groaned silently as the map switched over to show the solid block of red ahead of them in five miles.
SO, SHORTER TRIP, huh, Re?"
"…Shut the fuck up."
JESUS IS THE answer to everything'?" Remus read from a billboard incredulously.
"But the question was what is for dinner?" Logan deadpanned.
ARE WE GOING to stop for dinner while it's still light out?" Roman asked idly, doodling tiny cows and chickens on his score card paper.
"Didn't you get a bunch of fried appetizers at the Sheetz a while back?" Logan asked, though a glance at the clock told him it was getting on towards dinner time.
"That was hours and a massive traffic jam ago!" Roman protested.
"Oh, come on, it was barely a ten minute slow-down!" Remus rolled his eyes. "But, uh, yeah, I'm kinda getting hungry, too."
"We're far enough south that we could find a Waffle House," Roman suggested.
"Or a Steak'n'Shake," Remus added.
"Fine, whichever one of those you see first on the exit signs, that's dinner," Logan gave in.
I KILL ALL your cows, Roman."
"What?! Why just mine?!"
"You know what you did."
"This is payback for the 'poultry in motion' joke, isn't it?"
HEY, HOW MANY bedrooms does this new apartment you're moving into have, Lolo?" Remus asked
"One, technically, but the apartment has an upstairs and a downstairs, so both Virgil and I will be able to achieve privacy as needed," Logan answered, tapping at the keyboard of his phone.
"Oooh, only one bedroom~?" Remus leered.
"Re—"
"I'm just saying, you're gonna be living with the guy a thousand miles away—"
"Eleven hundred and twenty point two."
"—and you're really gonna tell me you aren't gonna at least try and tap that ass?"
"Virgil and I have been best friends for going on five years now," Logan said evenly, not looking away from his phone. "We have made our future plans with our respective careers in mind and arrived at a practical arrangement that will help us meet our goals. It would be supremely foolish to jeopardize our relationship with something as unpredictable and unstable as a casual sexual encounter."
"So don't make it casual," Remus suggested with a wave of his hand towards the back seat and his dozing brother. "Much as I might rag on Ro about his whole fixation on an epic love story or whatever, you and Virge have been together for five years, and it's stayed strong despite the distance. Maybe think about whether 'friendship' is really the right label for you two."
"I am quite sure that friendship most definitely still applies," Logan said dryly. His phone vibrated gently and he glanced down, seeing the new message from Virgil. He quickly swiped his thumb over the keyboard to reply.
[20:48] < 20 hrs to go
[20:50] I wish tomorrow would arrive sooner.
Logan just hoped he and Virgil would both be able to sleep tonight.
D'YOU THINK THAT last Jesus billboard was put up because of the sex store at that last exit, or is that just a coincidence?"
"Either way, 'shackled by lust' probably wasn't the best choice of words for deterring people."
IT WAS FULL dark by the time the van pulled into the parking lot of the Red Roof Inn. Logan went inside to check them in and get breakfast information and the wifi password. When he came back out, Roman was standing against the back of the van with his and Logan's overnight bags in hand and no sign of his twin. "Where's Remus?"
"He said he was going to sleep in the van," Roman said, raising his eyebrows pointedly. "He seems to be under the impression that if he doesn't then you might leave us both sleeping in the motel room and drive off to Florida without us."
"Can't say I haven't been tempted," Logan admitted. "We're in room two-oh-seven."
Roman's offended spluttering really showed how much the twins were alike, he thought to himself as he grabbed his backpack and headed inside.
BREAKFAST WAS A disappointing affair with the electric waffle iron currently broken. Logan grabbed a few bagels on a plate, a couple of plastic knives, and some butter packets to take back to the room. Remus had dragged himself up in defiance of his twin's sleepy sprawl and had gotten the room's coffee pot already brewing when Logan let himself in with the key card.
"Did they have any cereal?" he asked. surveying Logan's limited bounty with tired eyes.
"Fruit Loops and Raisin Bran," Logan answered as he set everything on the table. "I think we might just have gotten here at a bad time to get anything but the leftovers before the truck comes to restock their supplies."
"Ugh," Remus sighed, then frowned as Logan dug into his backpack. "What'cha doing?"
"I had a feeling that the offerings here would be disappointing, so I made sure I was prepared," Logan answered as he pulled out a jar of Crofters jam out of the inner pocket of his backpack.
"You gonna share that with Ro?"
"Not if he doesn't wake up before check-out time."
ROMAN INSISTED ON taking his turn to drive first. He also insisted on stopping at the first Starbucks on their route to get "proper" coffee and "actually decent breakfast options", which neither Remus nor Logan argued against. Logan even opted to take his turn in the back seat to let the twins have some time to themselves up front.
"We should stop at this exit on our way back," Roman said to Remus as they got back on the highway. "I saw a number of enticing shops in that outlet shopping block on the other side of the overpass."
"Only if we can stop at 'Bedtyme Stories' up at exit 100, too," Remus bargained, much to Logan's amusement.
"Is that a bookstore?" Roman asked, puzzled, reminding Logan that he'd been asleep when they'd past that exit and seen the store and its advertising billboard.
"…Yes."
I CLAIM SIXTEEN cows and put them in the barn!"
"What happened to wanting to marry your cows?"
"That was before Logan killed them all."
"I claim fifty-two sheep."
"Damn it!"
WHAT EXACTLY IS Buc-ee's supposed to be?" Roman mused, head turning slightly to follow the sign.
"Some kinda Chuck-E-Cheese rip-off chain, but a gas station?" Remus guessed.
"Their website says that they are a family friendly travel plaza which prioritizes cleanliness and efficiency," Logan said, looking at his phone screen. "Semi-trucks are banned from stopping there due to the assumption that truck drivers produce more hazardous trash such as broken glass or 'pee bottles'."
"Wow, take all the fun out of it!" Remus complained.
"They advertise their food as including 'Beaver-Nuggets'—"
"Ooh~!"
"—which appear to just be made of chicken."
"Boo!"
"So we're skipping Buc-ee's, then?" Roman clarified.
"Obviously."
SAVANNAH, BIRTHPLACE OF the Girl Scouts!" Roman declared as they passed the sign.
"And Paula Deen," Remus snorted.
"There are a number of historical tours available in Savannah," Logan said idly as he texted Virgil with an update on their progress. "Several walking tours, including a ghost tour of the most reportedly haunted houses and areas of the city."
"Pass," Roman grimaced.
"We can go exploring graveyards on the trip back," Remus suggested.
"Pass!"
I CLAIM FORTY-six cows."
"How?!"
STEAK'N'SHAKE AND STARBUCKS ahoy!" Roman declared as he pulled off onto the exit at Jacksonville.
"We should also see about getting gas and switching drivers," Logan spoke up, rolling his head carefully and wincing as his neck popped sharply.
"How much farther do we have to go?" Remus asked as all they climbed out to go in for bathrooms and food ordering.
"Just a little more than two hours if we don't make any more stops," Logan said with a grimace. It was already half past twelve.
"Getting our food to go, got it," Roman said as he moved to the touch screen kiosk. "I'm guessing you want your usual… do you want to get anything for your anxious amor?"
"He's not—" Logan started, then just sighed. "Whatever. Much as I might like to acquire food for Virgil as well, it would be cold by the time we got there. Or melted in the case of the milkshake."
"Good point," Roman muttered. "It never tastes quite as good re-warmed, does it?"
HEY, SO IF you're not gonna make a move on Virgil despite literally moving in with him…" Remus started as they got back into the van, taking the back seat for himself.
"Knife to your throat," Logan reminded Remus as he slid into the driver's seat and checked the clock. Ten to one… He surreptitiously added the Orange County Courthouse to the trip itinerary and prayed they'd make it at least close to on time.
"So… that's a no?" Remus asked.
"It's a no," Roman informed his twin.
"Damn."
I MARRY MY cows… and I marry my cows… and I marry my cows…."
"I marry my sheep!"
"How very Scottish of you."
"Hey!"
WAIT, THIS DOESN'T look like a residential area," Roman said as he sat up in the passenger seat, scanning the surrounding buildings.
"You are correct," Logan confirmed, turning into the parking lot attached to the courthouse. "Due to the delays we experienced this morning, we will not be stopping by the apartment prior to my and Virgil's appointment."
"What appointment?" the twins chorused, scrambling to unbuckle themselves and follow Logan to where he could see Virgil standing just outside the doors wearing the only pair of black jeans without rips he had and a purple button down shirt with a patchwork tie.
"Oh, didn't I mention?" Logan feigned surprise as he adjusted his own tie and pulled out his phone. Time to video call their Dad… "In order to maximize our financial aid packets, Virgil and I are getting married."