Chapter Text
Remus...
Remus John Lupin was an observant child, he was a curious one. He spent his existence wishing for more. Every move tracked what he would one day become. He was the epitome of a life taken for granted. And that became ever more clear as the days went by.
He is now a shell of a boy trapped in a never ending nightmare. He spends his nights wishing he never got in that car and days reliving the exact moment his existence collided with the possibility of his potential as if it was still happening.
Sometimes he entertains the idea that he has always been this shell and other moments searching for this more his childhood self deemed more important than the life in front him. Remus Lupin came to realize, though he missed his mother dearly everyday, every minute, life went on.
Remus realized if he wanted his more he could no longer stand by idly on the edge of who he was and wait for a strong wind to sway him one way or the other. He had to live with the determination of wanting to be alive, making it to the end to persevere and endure if he wanted to find his more.
Remus Lupin woke up on July 31st to the cold and eerie feeling that he woke up to everyday now that his mother was no longer there to brighten his mornings, to fill them with laughter and smiles. He laid in his silence and tried to think of every good thing that was worth getting up for.
He made a list.
Living up to what his mom wanted for him, seeing James, Lily, Regulus, and Pete, staying in the dorms again, dinner at Main on the first night, and Sirius Black.
He could feel the corners of his mouth turning upward and his chest getting warm at the thought of his pretty black curls, his beautiful smile, his stunning laugh, his oh so lovely eyes, his delicate nose, and his exquisite skin along with his sharp cheekbones. Sirius Black was perfect. Absolutely; complete.
Remus could spend every moment of his sad existence looking for his more but since the moment he met his Sirius Black. He knew the more he had been searching for was right in front of him in the form of Siri. A divining rod meant to show him the way to a quiet paradise filled with their essence, forever meant to be in the presence of one another.
Remus turned over and promptly shoved his head into his pillow and wished Sirius felt the same. Then, he slowly pulled himself out of bed to get ready for the not so long journey he had in front of him. He didn't want to dwell on the fact Sirius would never look at Remus the way he wanted him too. He could wish upon every star but never catch the right one, the brightest one.
He was abnormally content with today, because today he got to go home. Not to a place he grew up in or a place he spent years of his very early childhood getting to know intricately. But home noneless. Adonis Academy was a place he knew through his younger years spent learning, living, and growing. When the prospect of going was brought to Remus's attention, he didn't want it. Didn't want to be put in place he couldn't see his parents without permission, rooming with strangers. Though he now feels like this school stole days he could have spent with his mother, he laughs at that little kid that knew nothing of the immense life he would get from stepping into Adonis Academy.
This feeling of contentment slowly dwindled as he started to make his way to the bathroom, accustomed to the pain that came with performing everyday activities such as walking yet not fully okay with what his life has come to.
He doesn't think he ever will be. The dull pain that will reside for what the doctors claim, will probably be the rest of his life. Though if Remus is optimistic which he has never claimed to be he can say it is a near constant reminder of his mothers last moments on earth.
Content or not Remus willed to push through with his promise of wanting to live. He begins to go through the motions of getting ready without really thinking because if he thinks too hard it will become hard to move. Like his limbs will suddenly become dense and immovable at the reminder that he was never supposed to get back out of that car, his head will spin before he even has a chance to think about his first meal.
Once done running through the motions of life Remus finds himself at the front door bag in hand not packed too heavily because he can always come back to get more of his stuff, waiting for his dad to say goodbye.
His mom used to do this part, wait for him at the bottom of the stairs and send him off to the first day of school but since the accident dad tries his hardest.
Remus just wishes it was enough. He feels miserable thinking those words although he would never dare voice it. He missed his mom so much he couldn't help but hate that she wasn't here. He wished he could tell his dad that no matter how hard they try to pretend that the void Hope Lupin left behind is fillable it can never be filled.
Those first couple days after the accident when Remus was finally able to go home he felt like he was walking on eggshells. That any wrong move would send Lyall spiraling but then it became unfairly evident that Remus had lost his mother but Lyall had lost his wife, his everything. Because Remus knew that feeling intricately now even though he is Lyall’s son he was always Hope’s baby, her everything.
And that. That was unfair. They lost everything in one fell swoop.
So even though they try so hard for each other everyday it will never be enough to make up for the loss of Hope Lupin. Of their everything.
Remus was deep into an internal struggle when he heard the tell tale patter of his father's dress shoes. And turned to watch him coming down the stairs. He was wearing a somber smile, maybe because Remus never much looked like his mom at all and he misses her extra today or just because he never really smiles anymore.
Lyall speaks like it pains him, “Remus, son you grow everyday it is not fair. I don't know how your mother kept up with you”
And Remus attempts a smile at that because he really does try for his dad, it just hurts a little more every time, “It's okay dad, I'm not much different than I was last night at dinner. Mom was right there. No matter what I did she was there and she knew everything about me,” Remus stopped there and looked down at his feet, thinking back to who Hope was, was very light. That was all Remus could come up with was light, in every movement she made, every time she talked, every smile and laugh. Remus loved his mother so much it wasn’t fair, it would never be fair.
“That's right. She loved you more than you ever know” He paused looking at Remus, Remus knew. He knew all too well. Then continued, “I miss her Remus. I wake up every morning and wish she could see you grow. It was always her dream to watch her little boy grow up.” Lyall said. He looked deep in thought yet his face gave everything away, he was so deeply sad. Sorrow poured out of him and he didn’t even seem to notice.
Remus tried to find it in him to put on a brave face but after those words he knew it would be a losing battle so he settled for, “I miss her too dad. I miss her for us. Do you think you’ll be alright here? I mean I won't be far and I'll try to come see you as much as possible but you know.”
And here. This is what Remus has been fearing for all summer. When he has to say goodbye to his dad even though Effy will let him come back most weekends. This is always the hardest, the first goodbye.
Lyall just nods, “Yes, Remus I think you sometimes forget I’m the parent. I'm supposed to be worried about you today. But nonetheless yes and don't drive yourself mad thinking after me so much I will be okay. I love you son. She loves you.”
Remus solemnly nods back, “I love you too dad. I love her too. I have to go now. I will be back soon.”
Lyall stands and waits for Remus to open the door and walk out. Remus does not see him waver from his spot till he is backing out of the driveway. He silently hopes his dad will be okay. He knows they’ve been through this before. That last year was worse. But that still doesn't deter him from thinking of his dad the whole way to school.
That is until he has covered the short drive to Adonis and arrives at the front gates and Remus’s worries sort of disappear for a short yet brief moment.
His breath catches in his throat because he realizes he's home.
Regulus...
Not all who wander are aimless. But Regulus Arcturus Black. He was aimless.
Regulus Black for as long as he had been breathing felt like he was floating. And there were small instances that he felt tethered to the earth like maybe it would finally allow him to stand on solid ground but those moments came few and far between. He was alive but he was never really living.
Regulus had the sickening sense that his real life was happening somewhere very far away, happening without him. Through the fog of his mind Regulus knew this wasn't right, that the disconnect he felt for those around him was abnormal but he never seemed to care. The fog was a constant in his life with brief yet fleeting moments of clarity.
His brief moments of life came in the form of Sirius Black. Sirius was his only solis. His only direction on a flat plain where direction was a foreign concept, not a feasible thing he could latch onto.
He would tell himself he need only to survive long enough for Sirius to come breathe life back into him. To show up, all encompassing then bare witness to the crash of life that he always experienced with Regulus’s quiet existence.
Regulus was never alone but he was always lonely. In the solitude that he never wanted but couldn’t seem to shake. He never understood how Sirius could stand people looking at him. Could stand up and be bright and whole.
The fog that permeated his life for so long was all encompassing and it was hard to find the line where the inside of his mind merged with reality. He simply couldn’t be a light for someone else no matter how bad he wanted.
He was never a loud child in fact he thinks he made himself small for others' ease. He believes he knew even from a young age who he was deeply. He was aimless. Wandering without direction. That without direction is an ungratifying life. And Regulus Black always felt without purpose.
This disconnect from life led to a solemn existence. That was until his life opened up to a world not defined by Sirius Black. Allowed him to stretch out and lead a life that touched others, enabled him to see he was not alone in the dark.
But accompanied by others who also believed they were living life with their eyes closed. This realization came in the form of Evan and Pandora Rosier. Born into a bright life laced with opportunity much the same as him.
Equally lost in a void that contained only them that was until Regulus stepped in with them and somehow they became mirrors to a new realm they all craved. Regulus was still floating he thought he always would be but now the teather that came only few and far between was permanent.
Regulus was seeing double. Evan and Pandora were one in the same. They moved like they were caught in each other's gravity and Regulus craved to be known like that. Luckily and maybe the only time in Regulus’s life where he was lucky, Ev and Pan opened their void to let him be known.
Regulus felt a deep need to be rid of the fog but he never knew how. Never knew how to tell someone that even though he was alive he didn't feel real.
So on the morning of July 31st Regulus woke up to his brother standing over him much in the same way he did every year before the first day of school. He said he needed to be the first thing Regulus saw in the morning or the day couldn’t start.
“Reg hurry or mother will know we left late.” Sirius claimed, even though they both knew well that their parents were away in D.C. and Kreacher would never tell them. Kreacher had a soft spot for the boys and knew they could never be anywhere on time.
So Regulus simply turned over and went back to bed with a grunt because if he didn't feel alive there was no reason to move. The illusion could be kept. And Sirius knew this so he climbed into bed with Regulus and laid next to him till Regulus finally turned over to look at him.
Sirius softly whispered so softly that if Regulus wasn't right in front of his face he might have never heard, “Reg, you are here. Tu es réel. Tu es vivant. I know you. I can feel you,” and with that Sirius took him in his arms and we laid their matching breaths. A steady in and out till Regulus felt he could move.
“How do you feel about going back?” Regulus said so he could hear Sirius’s voice again and Sirius saw it for what it was and without missing a beat started speaking. He spoke of James and Peter, of finally telling Remus how he felt this year, of being back in the dorms, of going home.
He kept on and on and Regulus listened without talking back so he could get ready for their first day back. It's not that he wasn’t excited to see all his friends in the same place, it was just hard to be around so many people for so long, to have idiots who didn't understand personal space, or couldn't comprehend Regulus didn't like loud noises.
When Regulus was ready he and Sirius headed down stairs for breakfast. Kreacher served them food and then flittered away somewhere probably to organize and bask in the knowledge that he didn't have to clean up after him and Sirius for a few months.
They ate silently probably because Regulus could see the tiredness in Sirius’s eyes and he knew Regulus was mentally preparing for the interruption to his quiet life that came with a change of scenery.
After breakfast they said goodbye to Kreacher and set off to Adonis. Sirius fell asleep shortly after they left the city and Regulus knew better than to wake him it was probably the only rest he was getting this week so he settled for watching life go by.