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The dark sky is filled with stars that flicker, bringing sparks of lightning through the darkened hue of the seemingly unreachable heaven. It's like numerous colors peeking between every particle in existence, hidden yet bursting in an array so vast and wide that its boundaries cannot be determined. Each twinkling star seemed to be in its proper place, filling empty spaces with shadowy, ribbon-like clouds flowing around the full moon. “Going to the moon, huh?” Saeyoung whispered almost tearfully, clutching his luggage on one hand and his steaming coffee on the other.
It is hard to believe that such beautiful scenery can bring a certain feeling of sadness from within him as he sighs heavily. With his eyes blinking rapidly, as if to shake the creeping sleepiness away; as the exhausted droop of his shoulders become more prominent. 3:45 AM. His breathing was even, slow and deep. His face voids of any emotions, only resigned peace, all walls torn down, leaving him looking vulnerable.
He still can’t believe how he survived the last 45 days without her. Without the ray of sunshine that graced his life with her presence, unknowingly touching him in ways that no one could ever do again.
Saeyoung feels drowsy in his loose white shirt and denim jeans; oddly feeling underdressed in a public airport, he pulls his precious black and yellow jacket closer to his body.
He stands awkwardly outside the arrival gate, twiddling his toes to distract himself from the drafty breeze caressing him.
“You look like a walking corpse, man," someone cackled, slapping his shoulder quite strongly, making him lose his footing slightly and tipping him to the side.
"Thanks. Tell me something I don't know," he huffs, before turning around and addressing the person talking to him. “Hello Zen,” he greeted, shrugging slightly before offering his hot beverage. “Coffee?”
"No thanks, man. But seriously, the bags under your eyes are quite a delectable shade of purple. What brand is that?"
"Insomnia."
"Nice. Got to try modelling for that some time."
"Do I honestly look that bad?"
“Compared to me? Always.”
Zen tried to suppress his giggling, but ended up bursting into loud laughter. And for some reason, Saeyoung felt that his laugh was contagious, and sounded more like an evil cackle than an expression of amusement.
"Ha ha. Very funny, Zen," Saeyoung said, rolling his eyes with his right hand on his hips.
“But seriously, man. It’s good to see you.”
And it is. It is very good to meet him, Saeyoung thought, smiling a little bit. Even if the circumstances aren’t the best.
“How’s Yoosung doing?” Saeyoung questioned, his voice dropping down into a barely said whisper.
The joyful demeanor of Zen immediately faded away, as if doused with freezing water. He leaned back against the concrete wall of the airport before sighing heavily and closing his eyes.
“Not good, man. He’s still blaming himself,” he answered, “I mean most of us do. We weren’t there for her when it mattered. Heck, you were the only one there for her when she…” his voice trailed off, fading into nothing as he sighs once again, reaching out to his head to push his white locks away from his eyes.
“Died,” Saeyoung finished coldly, his right hand slowly dropping from his hips to his side. “She died,” he growled, “And nothing’s going to change that.”
“Look, Seven— “
“No. Her blood is on my hands. I brought her in, got her involved in this mess. I don’t deserve to be consoled by you, or by anyone else. Not when she’s six feet under the ground. Not when she had so much to live for,” his voice waivered a little bit before fading into a soft hum that only himself can hear.
That’s right, he thought, the reason why she’s dead is me. “She trusted me to keep her safe, and in the end, I couldn’t even stop them from hurting her. She suffered, Zen. And it’s all because of me.”
Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. Saeyoung bent forward where he sat on the floor, pressing his palms to the cold concrete, spilling the coffee on the floor. “I know,” Zen whispered, patting Saeyoung’s shoulder as if to comfort him. “I know it hurts, but don’t blame yourself, Seven. She would never want you to blame yourself.”
“That’s the worst part! Nobody blames me!” Saeyoung cried, body trembling from suppressing the emotions bubbling inside him. “I promised! I said I’ll protect her even if it cost me my life but she—why did she have to be so good? Why did she have to save me? Why couldn’t she follow a simple instruction and leave me alone!”
“Because she loves you, more than anything else in the world.”
I scoffed, “If she really loved me, she would be here. She should have never taken that bullet for me because she knew how much it will kill me to watch her die in my arms. She was selfless, too selfless for her own good. And now she’s gone. And what does that leave me with? A memory with a girl I could have spent my entire life with…no, a girl I would have spent my entire life with.”
“Seven…”
“It’s done, Zen. It’s over. I, I can’t even look in my brother’s eyes because all I can see is her blood dripping on the floor, spreading like the halo she deserved,” I uttered,
“Everything happened because I was too carefree, because I was an idiot. I made her fall in love with me, and in the end, it killed her. I destroyed her just the way I destroy everything I touch.”