Work Text:
I turn away from the window. Tear my gaze from watching as my brother tends to his other love. Dean is washing and polishing the Impala like it is the most important job in the world. And I know it probably is to him.
I sit back down at the small kitchen table and stare down at my journal trying to decide what to write next. I grab my mug and sip at the brown liquid as I stare distractedly around the small room. Dean made the coffee for me and I grimace deciding that coffee making isn't one of his better talents.
My mind wanders over the last few months and although I know it's over it still makes me shiver. We both nearly died but the demon that killed our mother, our father and some of our friends is dead sent back to wherever it came from forever. We are finally free of our family heritage, our family burden. And despite all the evil that surrounded us we finally admitted our feelings and found each other. Found a way to love. Found love amongst the darkness.
After the battle we decided to rent a small apartment in a town close to Lawrence, our birth place, somewhere we could start the healing process. Somewhere we could be alone away from hunting and our old life and away from the world that wouldn't understand and frown upon our relationship. The apartment is small just four rooms but its OK for our needs. It's small, untidy and cluttered despite my best intentions but somehow we have made it homely and our love for each other seems to bounce off the walls as our laughter, laughter we thought we'd never experience or hear again, echoes around the rooms.
I think of Dean again and grin foolishly. I look back down to the leather bound journal that he bought me for my birthday touching it lightly with my fingers. He said that I needed a journal like our father's to write down my innermost thoughts.
I look down at the words I have written and know that he would be embarrassed that I am writing about him. Our love for each other is so new and wonderful that I want to write it all down so that when Dean and I are old and grey we can read the journal together and remember the newness and joy of our love. I read the words that I have written so far.
Dean
Dean is the fire to my ice. Noise to my quiet. Restless energy to my calm. And I love him with a passion that I thought I had long forgotten. He is my heart, my soul and my very being.
I have been in love before but if I think about it hard and honesty it was an illusion as clever as any magic trick. I wanted normal. I craved normal. Jessica was the love that I thought I craved. I so was wrong. My denial of love for my brother drove me onwards ignoring that my heart would always belong to Dean. I hurt Dean brutally casting him and his feelings aside as though they meant nothing. And I allowed myself to be possessed by a false love letting it consume me as the fire of denial ravished my soul. It raged like a forest fire destroying everything in its wake. I think Jessica knew but she said nothing just tried to love me despite everything.
But the Winchester legacy killed Jessica and I watched helplessly as she was engulfed by the fire turning my hopes of normal into blackened ashes. Guilt overwhelmed me and I locked my heart away turning away from love, true or false. I froze my heart and soul wrapping them up in a block of ice as big and as barren as any ice-berg. I hid behind my shield of guilt and blame at her death because of me and my family. I was content to be alone and unloved.
But Dean is Dean. A force to be reckoned with. And he had burst back into my life unexpectedly. And I knew deep down that I was lost the moment he smiled at me and called me Sammy. The inner radiance he hides from everyone except me shone outwards warming me. My arms and body tingled from his touch as he hugged me and I felt the ice within me start to thaw as real love ignited deep within my soul.
The flames of his restless energy licked at the ice surrounding my heart gradually melting it as we travelled the road together. For so long we danced around each other and our feelings like flames flickering and burning in the hearth. Passion and love finally won and we willingly let it consume us. Dean warms my heart, my soul and my body as we make gentle love to each other caressing and touching as we drown in the sensual feelings that we provoke in one another. As we lay cuddled - yes surprisingly Dean is a cuddler - together in our bed Dean whispers words of love to me. Words that are hard for him to say. He hates chick flicks moments. But he forces them out. He does it for me.
Even after three love filled months together I find it hard to say the words terrified that if I say it out loud he will disappear from my life and I couldn't bear that. He is my brother, my best friend and my lover. And I am envious of the ease with which my usually unemotional and closed off brother Dean tells me that he loves me. But I think he knows that I carry my love for him within my heart. That wherever I go he is with me. Forever.
Dean is not the destructive forest fire of my denial but the dancing fire burning bright in the open hearth that warms, nurtures and welcomes. Flames of passion shimmer in his expressive pale eyes as he teases me, his lips burning mine as he wraps his arms around me claiming me, warming me and awakening the feelings I thought long dead.
I smile to myself satisfied with what I have written. As I go to pick up my pen to continue. A noise from the door distracts me.
I look up and grin happily. Dean is leaning lazily on the door frame arms folded across his chest a small teasing smile playing on his lips. The teasing smile that is so familiar and I know it hides the love he feels. The light from the living room is dim bathing him in a soft golden hue. He is so beautiful and I feel another chip of ice fall away from my heart under his warm and affectionate gaze.
"Sammy," Dean smiles as he pushes himself off the door frame. "Coffee still hot?" he asks as he turns to the kitchen counter to help himself to a mug from the coffee pot.
"Yeah hot... but totally disgusting," I can't help teasing. I close my journal not wanting Dean to read the words I have written just yet.
"That's the way it's supposed to be dude," Dean retorts with a small laugh. "It aint coffee unless it's disgusting."
I snort but then suck in a sharp breath as Dean turns his attention back to me. The flames of his soul burn bright blazing in his green eyes as he smiles at me. I smile back knowing that I would do anything for this gentle, loving man - he surrounds me with his love giving everything of himself and asking nothing in return. If he asked I know I would walk naked through the now re-built Road House in return for his smile - the smile he reserves for me alone, the smile that lights up his whole face with love. For me and me alone. He is still smiling at me.
"Missed you," his hot breath caresses my skin as he steps into my personal space offering me his hands. "Love you," he whispers. Dean frowns down at his hands when I don't make a move to take them as if he is suddenly embarrassed by the gesture. Dean is surprisingly good at the romantic stuff but sometimes his confidence falters when I'm not quick enough to respond to his offer.
"You were only washing your other love," I tease lightly as my hands clasp his and I pull him closer to my body.
He beams at me cocking his head to one side. "You're jealous of a car," he murmurs.
"Damn straight," I murmur back and watch as his face lights up into the beautiful smile that makes my knees go weak. My smile, the one that makes his face glow and his eyes sparkle with love and desire. "You're mine. And mine alone," I say as I lean forward.
I am lost, consumed by his fire, as he captures my lips in a tender kiss.