Chapter Text
It’s the scenery of one of those typical slice of life movies. Blue sky and green grass. The grey tall buildings were lost long ago and as the train keeps moving the outside only keeps getting more and more alive. He can almost breathe the clean air, even with the window in the middle, in no time he’ll be there to really feel how it feels.
The time keeps going.
The petals keep falling.
And one last train home is never too late.
“Yoongi? Is it really you?” His mother says as a greeting when she opens the door.
“Yes mom, it’s me”
“Oh my God, it’s been years !” She hugs him tight. Yoongi closes his eyes and hugs her back. It’s been years indeed; he’s a bad son. It’s not like he hates his family, but they weren’t the most supportive people in his younger days, and maybe his father was too cold when he craved tenderness, so, yeah, maybe he was a little hurt. He was close with his older brother but still, barely paid him visits, leave alone his parents. Since he left Daegu he may have come, two? Three times maybe. He found family in his friends and was with them with whom he spent the important dates.
“Two years I think” Yoongi says when they pull apart.
“Almost three!” His mother says moving and letting him inside the house.
If he had to be honest with himself, and with the world around him, the main reason for him to go to Daegu is the owner of the barks that he can hear in the background. He quickly left his shoes in the entrance, walking inside the house to kneel and pick on his arms the one he thought would be the only love of his life: Holly, his brother’s dog.
“Hello handsome” He smiles, getting small licks in reply. “You’re not big at all, you’re still the same small bean” He giggles with every lick, joyful that Holly recognises him despite the time apart.
“Well, seems like I’m not the only one that missed you” His mother says with her hands on her hips.
Yoongi smiles at her, unsure of what to say. Missing him at this point of their relationship is a little sad. If honest, he would have wished for his parents to miss him when they 'not-kicked' him out of the house because his teacher reported him kissing a classmate, a boy.
But at this point of his life, at this minute, in these last steps, he can’t find space for hate. That was years ago anyway, and his parents decided to pretend it never happened, even when he came back home a couple times and they pretended to be shocked with his silence every time they asked for a girlfriend.
“When is dad coming home?” He asks to change the topic.
“He should be home at dawn,” She replies. “How long will you be staying?”
“Just today” he lies “It’s a short escape”
“Really? But you can stay here with us! Your old room is still there, well, is no longer like… “your room” but there’s a place for you to stay”
Yoongi shakes his head. That’s exactly what he wanted to avoid, he came back for goodbyes, not to fill himself with memories he already fought to escape from.
“I’m good, I have work to do, I need to go back”
“Okay, but if you change your mind, the offer is up”
“Thank you mom” Yoongi smiles at her again and then his attention goes back to pet Holly.
He dines with his family. Like the old times, his father at the head of the table, his mother and older brother at each side, and him next to his hyung. Apparently nobody besides his brother seems to recall their time apart or the reasons that took them to fall apart.
His father talks about work and asks questions about his life without being personal or intimate, just formalities, his mother tries to bring up childhood memories that his brother backs up when she meets his silence. He’s not bitter about his whole childhood and teenage years, he easily smiles and nods when they recall some events, he can reply with monosyllables too, if he’s quiet it is only because it is the only mood he can keep in that house.
He seeks no revenge, he still loves his family, but he’s been hurt badly, and he’s back one last time because he’s been hurt again, and this time the pain is literally draining the life from him. He has no reason to shout and laugh, also, he probably wouldn’t be able to survive doing it without choking on petals and that would be a disaster.
So Yoongi stays quiet, listens to what his family has to say, tastes carefully every bite of food, touches the wood of the chair, caresses his mother's hand across the table. He pays attention to the details: the cracks on his father’s voice, the smell of kimchi mixed with a floral scent, the nice words of his hyung, the honest smile of his mother, as if she really means it. Could it be that she isn’t aware of the damage done? Yoongi looks at his empty plate and thinks that perhaps… she doesn’t know at all.
“Are you really leaving tonight?” His hyung asks him outside, walking to the station and sharing a smoke.
“No” Yoongi shakes his head “I didn’t want to stay at our parents house”
“You can stay with me”
Yoongi snorts.
“In your place with your fiance?” He asks, raising an eyebrow. Yoongi has only seen her once and they barely exchanged words. He knows if it is somebody his brother loves it’s not gonna be a bad person, probably she already knows he’s a gay rapper and he doesn’t think she hates him for it, but still, he’s not gonna drop by his brother’s house unannounced just because he’s feeling nostalgic.
“Well, yeah” His brother kicks a small stone on the road.
“No need to push it hyung, I’m good” He replies honestly, he never planned to stay in any place from the start, he only wanted to come back to his hometown one last time and walk around.
“Are you staying at a hotel then?”
“Yeah, I have it solved, don’t worry hyung” He gives him a small smile and keeps walking.
“So, what’s with you suddenly coming here? Mom called me as if she had seen a ghost” He blows out white smoke “I didn’t believe it at first”
Yoongi chuckles.
“I don’t know,” He shrugs.
“You really don’t know?” His brother presses.
“Ah, well, maybe…” he bites his lower lip. “Maybe it's because I have this friend of mine studying abroad, and, well, with having people apart I got a little… nostalgic? Yeah, so I thought of coming and…” he opens his arms “here am I”
“Hmmm, are you doing well in Seoul?” His brother takes a drag.
“Yeah, I am, you know.. It was hard at the beginning, but now I’m cool, I have good friends”
“Any boyfriend” Yoongi coughs. “Woah, you okay?”
“Yeah” He swallows petals “Never thought I’ll hear you ask that”
“Hm, unlike our parents I have no problem with it, I just care that you’re happy” Yoongi looks at him with warm eyes, his hyung is so nice.
“Thank you” He smiles at him. His brother stubs his cigarette in a trashcan.
“So? Boyfriend?” He quirks an eyebrow.
“Ah, no, I don’t have the time for it.” That’s one of the many reasons why everything with Jimin was so nice. They never invaded each other’s personal spaces, they were patient with each other, Jimin was always needy but never pushed Yoongi, he understood Yoongi’s work demanded a lot of time and never tried to get in between. “But my friends take care of me”
“That’s good, I’m glad you’re doing well Yoongi, I know we don’t talk very often but you’re my little brother and I care about you. I’m sorry if I haven’t been able to support you like you need.” Yoongi shakes his head
“No hyung, you’ve always been there for me, I’m the stubborn one that got bitter after everything with our parents happened and didn’t want to accept any help. You’ve always been a great hyung” He takes a deep breath “I’m lucky to have you”
“Ah Yoongi, I’m gonna get all emotional now”
“Yaah, don’t you dare to cry, your fiancé is going to hate me if I return you crying” They both laugh.
“Ok, I’ll leave you now, have to come back, you sure you don’t want to come with us?”
Yoongi nods.
“I’m sure hyung, I have my check in soon too, we’re fine”
“Okay” His brother moves closer, not hesitating in wrapping him in his arms. “I missed you, come more often, yeah?” There’s a big pain on Yoongi’s chest and he nods through it.
“I’ll try” His brother pats his back and pulls apart to give him a big smile.
“I’m taking your words, hope to see you soon then” he takes a couple steps back and waves at him. Yoongi waves back at him.
“Get home safe”
“Ahahaha, you don’t have to worry about your big brother, good night Yoongi”
“Good night hyung” Yoongi waves one last time, hand falling down when his brother turns and all he can see is his back as he walks away.
He sighs, looking at the sky and spotting stars that look like small dots in a black canvas, the sky in Daegu still looks as infinite as it did when he was younger, he feels so small under it, these streets are so familiar but now he’s a stranger.
This place is no longer a home.
It hasn’t been in a long time, but maybe it is after the taste of home in somebody’s arms that he feels so cold when he starts to walk. He sinks his hands in his pockets as he does the old route to his middle school, he smiles when he sees everything looking the same. Time is something so peculiar. Is frozen in some things, meanwhile it slips from his bloody fingers every day that passes.
He doesn’t hurry as he continues to move through the city, going to old book stores that are now boutiques to the parks he used to play in. Is nostalgic. A nice view, but he still doesn’t regret not coming here more often. Better to keep the good memories as memories and the bad ones buried deep down.
He sits on a bench and takes out his phone, opens the notes and starts to write as he waits for the morning to arrive and take the first train back to Seoul.
‘These wanderings in my head that are only full of blue
Self-loathing and pride live in my heart
I was full of dreams, then I grew and made all of it come true
Yet keeping dreams as dreams would be better…’
The next day he comes back to an empty apartment with dried petals in glass bowls. He sighs, there’s no time to feel sorry for himself, he has work to do.
Yoongi flops on the chair of his studio, he has things to do, but there’s a paper bag on the table in the middle of the room that he can’t ignore. Glass bowls were supposed to be only for his place, but now he can’t keep it anymore, his trashcan stuffed with petals and tissues covered with blood. He already left his last regards to his family, it’s natural to be honest with his friends now. He’s scared to the core, but they deserve to know, even if he can’t tell them the real truth.
With shaky hands he takes out his phone and opens the group chat, he only takes 10 seconds to stare at Jimin’s icon that’d been absent for months. He doesn’t expect a reply from him anymore. He decided to embrace his fate. He promised himself to be okay with it, to give his best and leave without regrets.
He types taking deep breaths and presses send, a reply comes quickly.
[Namjoonie]: What do you mean you’re not taking more songs?
[Me]: Ah, yeah this will be my last one
[Kookie]: Why?
[TaeTae]: But your collabs are doing so well!
[Hoba]: You’re amazing hyung!!
[Jin-hyung]: yah, don’t push Yoongichi
Yoongi smiles sadly at his screen.
[Me]: I don’t want to worry you all, but I can’t keep rapping, or singing.
[Namjoonie]: What? Why?
[Hoba]: Are you okay?
[Me]: I do feel okay
He lies
[Me]: But my body is not, I’ve been feeling bad and went to the doctor
He gulps, shutting his eyes and mustering courage.
[Me]: She told me I have a lung disease
[Kookie] … Hyung
[TaeTae]: You have… Hyung, that's not okay at all.
[Me]: No, really, I’m cool, it's sad, but, I can still produce, it's not gonna be that bad.
[Hoba]: Do you want me to drop by your studio?
Yoongi’s hands are shaking, fat tears falling on the screen of his phone.
[Me]: I’m good Hoba, but thanks.
[Jin-hyung]: You know you count with us, right?
Yoongi sobs, it’s ugly, broken, desperate. He’s so scared, he doesn’t want to lie, He’s so scared to die, but he’s so tired, he wants this to be over, he doesn’t want to drag this any longer, he doesn’t want to fill this new glass bowl and be reminded that he’ll die because his loved one doesn’t love him back.
It hurts so much.
And the ugliest part, is that the physical pain is not the one that hurts the most.
It’s past midnight and he’s still in his studio, notebook on his desk, fingertips touching the yellow pages. He just coughed a bunch of flowers that came out prettily and now are resting inside a glass bowl. The tip of his pen rest on his chapped lips that once were kissed until they were red with bites. Now they’re only bloody red.
‘Is it even right? It's honestly different to the future I had hoped for
It doesn't matter, now it's a matter of survival
However it goes, it doesn't matter
It may be different to what you were hoping for
How you live on and how you love might change’
He scribbles quickly in a sharp intake, staring at what he has done. Is not bad, is slowly taking form.
Maybe he’s gonna be able to finish the song before—
He puts on his headphones and plays the song.
Don’t think about it.
Don’t think about it.
He’s lying on his couch, head resting on Jin’s shoulder. They’re watching the screen, an animated movie Jin picked and now the credits start to roll.
“Aish, this was so cute, I can’t believe I cried” Jin sobs and Yoongi chuckles.
There are several tissues in the coffee table, some wrinkled with tears, others dotted with red. His glass bowl is fuller than before.
“It was a good movie” Yoongi moves away to stretch his arms above his head. “Want some tea?”
“I’ll do it,” Jin replies, getting on his feet and walking to the kitchen. The music of the credits joins his actions and Yoongi just watches him move; heat the water, get the cups, open the cabinets to get the tea.
Jin is so caring, he’s so unfair to him. Nobody should really know what’s wrong with him, he knows they’re in pain.
“So, how’s everything going with the song?”
“Is done” Yoongi speaks in a low voice, like sharing a secret, he’s doing it after all, he never thought he’ll make it, but inspiration and a few more petals make it work.
“Oh?, Really?” Jin pours the water in the mugs and walks back to the couch.
“Yeah, I recorded it and all. I left the files in a folder on my desk, it won’t be hard to find them” He takes a sips and likes his lips, enjoying the taste “Namjoon knows the passwords, and Jungkook too, I don’t know why, but he always know them” He smiles and takes another sip.
“Ah, that’s some kind of power that boy has” Jin comments, avoiding the fact that Yoongi is talking about leaving his work implying he will no longer be there “You have no idea how big was my jump the first time he just got inside my place uninvited” Yoongi giggles, picturing the scene perfectly.
“I bet you raised your fist and he was just waddling inside”
“It was exactly like that” Jin smiles and makes Yoongi feel warm all over.
He’s gonna miss him, he’s gonna miss them all.
“Hyung”
“Hm?”
“Thank you”
“What for?” Jin asks, sipping on his mug. Yoongi smiles, a tired smile, a sad one. He doesn’t want to think about what the glass bowls scream at him. “Yoongi” Jin puts a hand on his shoulder and Yoongi breathes heavily.
“For everything” Jin shakes his head.
“There’s nothing for you to thank Yoongi-chi”
“Still… I feel grateful” He shrugs “So I guess I have to say thank you” Jin smiles.
“Well, in that case, you can thank me by buying me a meal” Yoongi smiles back at him, a big gummy smile.
“I will” He promises, unsure if he'll be alive to keep it.
“Okay, I’ll be waiting for it”
Yoongi nods, hating himself with the idea of lying to his hyung.
Yoongi is cleaning his room, Jin left about an hour ago and he found himself without energy to do any work, so he decided to just clean, wash the dishes, fold some clothes, maybe find a book to read later. He’s making his bed when he hears a knock on his door. Did Jin forget something?
He walks with lazy steps to the entrance, opening the door expecting to find Jin, not—
“W-what are you doing here?” Yoongi murmurs, not believing what his eyes see.
“C-can I come in?” The younger asks, his voice soft, doubtful. Yoongi is paralysed, taking a solid two minutes to come to his senses and move so he can let him in.
The younger is wearing a green sweater and jeans ripped on the knees, he looks so soft but his expression says otherwise, is written all over his face that he’s been sleeping bad or lacking sleep, bag under his eyes, his plump lips munched red, cheeks more hollow, eyebrows furrowed.
He looks so different from the last time they saw each other.
But perhaps it’s better for him to look a little different, that can help Yoongi to believe this is real, that this is not an hallucination created by his recent violent coughing, coughing that he feels coming, scratching his throat, it’s coming, he can feel it.
He bends on himself, hands on his mouth when his body starts to shake and he lungs ache, coughing non stop and feeling the vines on his ribcage tightening around his heart. He tastes the iron in his mouth and wonders when it’s gonna be enough.
“Hyung!” Jimin screams “Are you okay?” There’s a hand on his back and Yoongi wants to cry, his cheeks are wet, too late, he’s already crying.
He tries to nod, tries not to melt at just the mere touch of that gentle hand now rubbing his back.
He swallows petals.
“‘M good” He lies “I need to get some water” He stands, fingers wiping his tears as he walks to the kitchen. He doesn’t hear footsteps, Jimin is not following him and that’s a relief. He fills the glass to the brim and drinks it in one go. It burns, but is okay, he’s a little used to it at this point, to be honest.
There’s silence in the room and Yoongi can’t take it, they never had silences like this in the past, this is not like them, but nothing is like 'them' anymore. He fills another glass with water just to have some noise.
What should he do? Jimin is just staring at him, playing with his pretty hands, he doesn’t say a word. It’s killing him.
Yoongi clears his throat.
“I thought you were in Japan” He takes a sip of water “The semester is not over yet,”
“Ah… I requested permission to be out,”
“Oh, I see” Another silence, Yoongi takes more sips to pretend he’s okay with it.
None of them move from where they are, but Yoongi can see Jimin looking around his living room. He gulps, his mouth feels dry although he took a sip of water seconds ago, his free hand grabs the fabric of his shorts, aware of the glass bowls displayed on almost every surface of the place.
“Hyung?”
“Hm?” Yoongi looks up but doesn’t meet Jimin’s eyes.
“What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been… buying flowers?”
Ah.
“Yeah… something like that”
“Something like that?” Yoongi doesn’t reply, this time lets the silence fill the room “Uh, when you started?”
Yoongi fears about where the conversation is going, he doesn’t want to talk about flowers, doesn’t want to approach petals, doesn’t want to get closer to the thorns that now embrace his lungs, the roots on his chest, the disease that’s eating him alive. This is the worst possible scenario, he wants to run away from his own place, from his own skin, from his own love.
This is all wrong.
Jimin shouldn’t be here in the first place.
“W-when I started producing and featuring the songs” He clears his throat, he can feel petals coming again, he needs to swallow them down.
“I see” Jimin comments quietly, probably seeing through his lie because he was with him in his first production.
He was there with him, that's in the past. Jimin used to be with him, but he left.
Why is he here again? Why did he come back? Why now? Why? Why?
“Jimin… Why are you here?” He asks, biting his lower lip.
He can see from the corner of his eye Jimin lowering his head, looking at the floor, he must be anxious, because he’s playing with the rings of his fingers, it’s something he does only when he’s nervous.
“I read what you said in the groupchat” Yoongi swallows and it hurts, he tastes blood, he feels thorns piercing.
“What about it?” He must sound rude, but he doesn’t want to have this conversation, he wants Jimin to stay, but he needs him to leave. Jimin takes a few steps forward and Yoongi steps back.
“Are you really okay?” Jimin looks at him but Yoongi avoids him. "I saw you coughing, and... you don't look good"
“Do you care?” Yoongi bites out, clenching his teeth.
“Of course I do!” Jimin replies and is like a stab.
“Why you say it as if it's obvious?” Yoongi asks, shaking his head and chuckling bitterly, is rude, but Jimin is lying at him. He's here again, he came all the way from Japan, he came back after all this time, and what for? Lie at his face?
“Because it should be! Hyung… what’s going on?” He takes another step forward and Yoongi feels small, insignificant.
“W-why now? Why do you care now?” He doesn’t raise his voice but the message still reaches the younger loudly, Jimin opens his eyes wide and Yoongi feels tears clinging on his eyelashes “Why?”
“Don’t be unfair, why do you assume I don't care all the time?” Jimin has the audacity to say and Yoongi is torn between laughing or crying.
“B-because you left” Crying seems to be. But he doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t want to cough, but it looks like he won’t be able to stop any of those, his hands are shaking, glass of water already forgotten on the surface of the kitchen table. He must look so stupid, he doesn’t have any right to demand shit from Jimin. He’s so ridiculous, so stupid.
“I had to! I couldn’t stay here any longer!”
“You didn’t even say a word to me, but you say you care about me?” He’s breaking, shattering, there are cracks spreading all over his body, a piece of his cheek is the first one to fall, it breaks into more little pieces when it hits the floor.
“I couldn’t do it hyung, please understand!” Jimin is approaching him again and Yoongi wants to escape but his back hits the wall, he can't run away.
A piece of his elbow falls.
“Understand me Jimin” another piece of his cheek falls, is wet, is hot, he’s crying. “How can you say you care and leave me without a word, I thought we… I thought we—”
“I had to leave because I love you too much! I love you and it was eating me alive!” Jimin shouts and Yoongi’s chest constricts.
“Don’t fucking lie to me” He sobs, fingers rushing to clean his face, the movement so rough that it makes a whole finger fall from his hand.
“Why would I lie to you about this!?” Jimin walks to close the distance between them and Yoongi puts his arms in front of body, shielding himself the best he can. “I love you hyung, I’m in love with you but we weren’t lovers… t-there was no way I would have been able to keep playing that game, not loving you the way I do”
“Y-you don’t love me Jimin…” His shoulders are shaking, he feels Jimin’s hands on them and they immediately fall apart, tiny little pieces, almost dust.
“I’m not fucking lying!”
“Yes you are.” He slowly lowers his hands from his face, glassy eyes looking at Jimin, bloody lips trembling, he has swallowed every single petal, he has been strong, his body is just a cracked shell but he’s still standing, he can navigate through this, he can do this, just one more step and he’ll be free.
But when he sees Jimin's face so serious, eyes piercing into his, lips pressing into a thin line, eyebrows furrowed, Jimin not hesitating as he repeats and repeats that he loves him, when he sees Jimin so close to him, when he’s aware of his delicate but firm grip on him, all his resolutions evaporate into air. “Because if you loved me, I-I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t be dying” Yoongi’s voice cracks and he slides to the floor with a violent cough.
“W-what? Hyung!, Yoongi-hyung!” His whole frame trembles, he can’t see a thing due the tears, he puts all his efforts in holding back but he’s at his limit, petals are scratching his throat and spilling from his mouth.
(What an ugly cough, these are the ones from which he can’t keep the petals, everything full of blood and saliva, so gross, so disgusting, he can’t even put on a decent show, so unpleasant to the eye)
He wants to tell Jimin that is okay, that this is fine, maybe tell him this is all a bad joke, beg him to go back to Japan, to forget about this conversation, to forget about him whole, to leave him alone to die this right moment; when the curtains fall, the lights go out, the show is over, no trace of hope for him anymore because he’s not able to get enough air for his lungs.
He tries to find some support on the floor but the only thing he finds are the pieces of himself spread all over the tiles, he wants to get air, but all he gets is the tender pain of thorns maim his lungs, he wants to see but the tears are clouding his sight, he wants this to stop, but he keeps crying.
Can he die already?
“Stay with me hyung, please, please stay with me”
What?
Who?
He feels arms around his stomach, a strong pressure that punches petals and blood out of his lungs, able to take a desperate intake of air.
“Yoongi please stay with me, oh my God, please don’t leave me, don’t do this to me, please stay with me, please, please, Yoon—”
Yoongi coughs again but there's no barbed wire caressing his throat, now the action helps to clear his clogged throat. He turns slowly, blinking away the tears to see the outline of Jimin’s face, he’s close: Yoongi wants him closer.
“J-Jimin” Calls with a raspy voice, he’s still shaking like a leaf against the autumn wind, his bloody hands search for the younger’s body and Jimin comes to entangle their fingers together, taking his hand to his lips to press a kiss on his knuckles.
“Thank God, thank God you’re still with me”
“Jimin…”
“Don't! Don’t talk, please, I-I’ll go get you some water” He makes the attempt to move but Yoongi pulls him back.
“Stay… please” He pleads in a voice thin as a thread.
“Okay, okay, I’ll stay with you” Jimin’s eye are wide open, staring at him, scanning his face, for sure he looks terrible, but doesn’t care, he only wants Jimin to stay, just a little longer. His body is wrecked from inside out and he has no strength, his heart beats slowly, he feels so cold, too cold, everything is cold but Jimin’s touch.
Just a little more.
“Jimin?”
“Yes hyung?” Jimin kisses his cracked fingers.
“Can you hug me, please?” Jimin doesn’t give him a verbal reply, he only breaks the link of their hands to envelope him between his arms. It’s warm, ah , it's so warm in Jimin’s arms, like always has been. He’s an addict to this feeling. Yoongi rests his face on the crook of his neck, it’s so peaceful, so quiet.
But there it comes again, he creates some distance to be able to cover his mouth so he doesn’t ruin Jimin’s clothes, his shoulders start to shake and he starts coughing again, indeed, now is less violent than before, like the usual ones he gets in his studio, the ones he got when everything started.
This time it stops without a show like seconds ago, it only dissolves in the air, like a normal cough, no, almost. Yoongi takes his shaky hand down, watching petals and blood rest on his palm. A tear stream down his cheek and he lifts his eyes, meeting Jimin’s worried gaze.
“Is… is it my fault?” Jimin asks so low that Yoongi can only hear him because they’re close.
Another tear falls, he’s dying, he doesn’t have a reason to lie.
“It's not your fault Jimin” He shakes his head “I was the one that fell for you”
Jimin’s hands move to cup his cheek, he caresses his skin, removing another piece of his face, he should worry, but it’s Jimin, Jimin can destroy him as he pleases, he’s allowed to do that, he already has his life on his hands, his heart, his soul.
“I won’t let you die Yoongi…”
“Jimin” Yoongi places a hand on his wrist, petals falling down his lap “Is okay, it’ll be okay”
The younger one shakes his head.
“No Yoongi, I can’t let you die because it doesn’t make sense”
“Jimin…”
“You can’t die from this because the love is not unrequited” Another tear fall but Jimin’s fingers are there to catch it.
“Jimin, you don’t have to—”
“No, Yoongi, I’m telling you it doesn’t make sense” Yoongi stops breathing, he’s frozen under Jimin’s gaze, in this moment of anticipation that he fears so much. Why is Jimin so adamant on lying to him? It won’t make any difference, he’ll die anyway, he’s done, and surprisingly, he’s at peace. It’s been chaotic, shameful, but at least he was able to be honest with Jimin, like love songs say, he can die happy right now “—Yoongi are you listening to me?”
“Hm?” He blinks at him.
“I’m saying that it doesn’t make sense, it can’t be unrequited because I’m in love with you” Jimin says with a serious expression on his face but Yoongi… Yoongi chuckles, humourless, he opens his mouth but Jimin doesn’t let him speak “Don’t tell I’m not because you don’t know about my feelings, I’m in love with you hyung, I’ve been for a long time”
No, this can’t be, it is nice that Jimin tries to make him feel better but this is going too far, besides, what is the point of it? It won’t change a damn thing, it's almost cruel.
“Jimin… you don’t have to lie to me like this, it's nice to hear, but… it… it hurts, you know?” Yoongi lowers his gaze, biting his lower lip.
“No Yoongi, stop, listen to me” Jimin cups his face and Yoongi shakes his head “Yoongi look at me, please, please look at me” Yoongi hesitates, but finally looks up, Jimin is closer than before, he can feel his breathing hit his face, see all the moles on his cheeks, he can even count his eyelashes “I love you Yoongi, I love you so much you have no idea” Jimin murmurs against his lips.
Yoongi is hesitant about moving his hands to Jimin’s neck, spreading his remaining long fingers to keep him like that, close, breaths mingling together. He’s shaking again, maybe he hasn’t stopped since he first started, maybe he won’t ever stop as long as Jimin exists and looks at him like he does now.
His touch feels so right, his lies taste so sweet, would it really be that bad to let himself be buried in this fantasy as he waits to give his last heartbeat to Jimin? He closes his eyes, noses brushing together.
It’s been a long road. When did it start? Not the flowers, not the coughing, not the countdown; his feelings, his longing, his craving. He can’t think of a time since he first started kissing Jimin in which the younger wasn’t in his mind. How could he have been so blind when the truth was always in front of him? Above him? Beside him? Under him?
Jimin, Jimin, Jimin, Jimin.
He’s tired, he missed Jimin so much, dreamt about this for so long, them together, reunited, his hands able to feel him again, his lungs having the chance to breathe him one last time. He has felt so much in this short span of time, but not the things he wanted the most.
Would it be too terrible? To give in? To give his heart a little rest? To play believe?
Just one last time.
Just one day.
“Thank you Jimin” He caresses his neck “Is not a bad goodbye, you know? I’m actually happy”
“Yoongi, I’m not letting you go” The more tears that fall the more Jimin works in cleaning them “And if you love me like you say you do, you have to believe me”
Yoongi opens his eyes wide, hitching a breath, being this close he can only see Jimin’s face distorted, but his eyes are crystal clear to him.
If he loves him…
His world stops, spins, turns on his axis, cracks, explodes, and starts again with a simple truth.
If he loves him…
Yoongi loves him.
“I-I love you” Yoongi breaks, keeping Jimin close, he can see him smile, and fuck, he dreamt about that smile so many nights “I love you so much Park Jimin”
“I love you, too, Min Yoongi” Jimin replies, and surges forward to kiss his lips.
“My Yoongi”
Months feel like years, like an eternity. Suddenly what used to be a recurrent feeling is something he never felt before. Those hands exploring his body seem to know perfectly where to touch, his mouth where to bite, his tongue where to lick. Is weird how Jimin knows every detail from a script but for Yoongi everything feels brand new.
Probably is because he fell apart not long ago and now he’s a person born from cracks and thorns.
He arches his back when Jimin licks the blood off his mouth, bites out the petals that he coughs. He’s so fierce but loving at the same time and Yoongi can’t stop crying. Digging his nails on the flesh of his back, his biceps, his neck, any surface that he can reach. It feels so good he swears his heart is gonna give up anyway, be it flowers or Jimin, he’s gonna die anyway.
It’s inevitable.
“W-when?” Yoongi gasps when Jimin latches his mouth on one of his nipples.
“Hm? When, what?” There’s saliva making his plump lips shine, he looks so gorgeous.
“When did you realise… that you were in love with me?” He heaves out, fingers trembling when he entangles them with Jimin’s hair. Jimin bites on his flesh and Yoongi whines.
“Months… months ago hyung” Jimin moves up and looks at him in the eye.
“And why you didn't say anything?” Jimin stops his movements, looking shy for the first time in the night.
“Because I was scared”
“Scared?” Jimin nods “Of what?” Yoongi asks, genuinely intrigued.
“About your feelings… I had no way to know if you felt the same, and… For me it was better to hurt myself in silence than to lose what we had, even if… you know, I wanted more.”
Yoongi gives him a sad smile, he’s still crying, silently, just tears falling because the petals seem to have stopped but something else needs to leave his body. He carefully cups Jimin's face on his hands to bring him closer.
“You're a fool, you know that?”
“Well, I do, but now I’m more sure than ever” He chuckles and Yoongi closes the distance to kiss him.
“Don’t do that again” Yoongi whispers against his lips.
“Do what? Kiss you?” Yoongi pinches his nose but Jimin only giggles.
“No, the not talking, the leaving”
“You’re being unfair again, you didn’t talk either” He says with a pout.
“In my defence” Yoongi retrieves a hand to clean his face, tears ceasing for a moment “I was still trying to understand my feelings, I… I’ve never never been in love before, I had no idea what was going on” Jimin buries his head on his neck, mumbling things Yoongi can’t understand. “What was that?”
“You, everything is always you. Fuck, you’re so cute.” He groans, lifting his upper body to look at the older “You don’t understand, and I’m not sure if I can put into words the way I love you because I’m fucking insane” Yoongi frowns. “I’m serious when I say I’m madly in love with you, because I want you whole, your body, your smile, your eyes” Jimin licks his lips and looks at him up and down, Yoongi shivers, recoiling on himself “This intimacy… I want it all for me, I couldn’t stand the idea that you weren’t all for me, I didn’t want it if you were to share this with someone else, it haunt me like a nightmare, it was an infectious disease but we were just friends and I just—”
“Jimin” Yoongi interrupts him, placing his index on his lips. “I wasn’t sleeping with no one else, I had no intention to do it. Not only because it was risky since I hate to use condoms” He hears Jimin say ‘ Oh I know you do ’ but he decides to ignore him “But because I liked being with you, I liked how you treat me, how you make me feel, how you take c-care of me, I didn’t want nobody else Jimin, I don’t want nobody else, period” Yoongi yelps when Jimin shifts their positions a little and finds the younger one literally caging him. “Jimin?”
“You’re playing with fire hyung” Jimin breathes out, his eyes suddenly turning so hungry that Yoongi feels hot all over just from being under his gaze.
“W-what do you mean?” He tries to look away but soon one of Jimin’s hands is grabbing his chin to force eye contact.
“You want me? Just me? Is that true?”
“I-it is, I do, for a long time now” Yoongi replies with red cheeks.
“But, are you willing to have a commitment with me?” Jimin presses, not only with his words, but also with his body, his leg getting in between his thighs and making him gasp.
“Y-yes, I don’t want nobody else” Jimin presses harder and Yoongi moans “O-only you”
“Hyung… if we’re together, I won’t let you breathe, I’ll be over you all the time, don’t doubt me about being mad, I fucking adore you, I’ll mark you and fuck you so hard that everybody will notice that you belong to someone…” Jimin leans closer, lips brushing his earlobe.
“J-Jimin”
“That you belong to me” He whispers and bites on the skin, making Yoongi sink his blunt nails on his arms.
“Fuck, Jimin”
“That’s my name, and it’s the only name you’ll be saying on bed, are you okay with that my pretty Yoongi-hyung?”
“Yes, yes, yes” Of course he’s okay with that, he’s more than okay. Everything that is good and healthy in life for him includes Jimin, and now it happens that it includes chanting his name like a mantra on bed? God, that’s nothing but a prize, why Jimin thinks he’s giving some kind of warning? There’s nothing he wants more than to be his and only his, to make all those sweet nothings they whispered in the heat of sex a real promise this time.
He wants them to build an ‘us’, he wants them to be ‘together’.
“Yoongi… I’m not lying when I say that I love you” He kisses the corner of his lips and Yoongi aches for more, the distance is so minimal that it burns on his skin “so, you wanna be mine?”
Yoongi puts his arms on the back of Jimin’s neck, guiding him for a kiss he’s too needy to wait for it. He kisses without a pause, without a break, it’s not his final answer but he knows that only words are not enough, that his naked body under him neither is, that probably the closest to his raw feelings is his soul drained from blood and flowers, slowly recovering from dying of love for him.
“I’m yours Jimin” He whispers when he pulls apart “I’ve been yours for months”
Now Jimin is the one that fiercely pulls him for a kiss, pushing his tongue and meeting no restrictions as Yoongi joins his own to play sucking and licking. They were lazily touching a while ago, but now they show no inhibition about their cravings.
The older knows how tender Jimin can be, he knows that it is not a matter of ‘not being able to ’, it is only that now , it is impossible to try make this moment last. Not because time is running out, but the opposite, now they have all the time on their side, now this is only the first of so many other times and they can be as hungry as they want because they can keep going, and going, and going without nothing being able to stop them.
Yoongi can’t complain about the kinky excuses they always used to stay longer in bed, but it feels much better now knowing that they not only have an endless physical desire for each other but also a bottomless source of love.
He never thought he’d experience the difference between pure sex and making love.
But here he is, moaning and throwing his head back when the younger starts to unravel him with his mouth and hands. He’ll never know if he’s a book easy too read, or if Jimin is too skilled in the art of love, but he never fails in making a mess of him; having him completely at his mercy under his touches. Yoongi simply gets out of his mind, his body is just flesh full of nerves that explode solely from Jimin’s stare. He’s nothing but a body made to please that keeps being pushed to be pleased until he passes out.
Of course he hasn’t changed where he keeps the lube, which only makes more easy for Jimin to hover over his body, making a cascade of kisses hit his torso when the younger starts to work him open for him (for him and only him, nobody else, just him, just Jimin, Jimin, Jimin, Jimin .)
“Yoongi-hyung… it’s so hot here” he murmurs, lips caressing his ribs as he adds another finger and Yoongi shudders “Did you feel lonely without me?” Jimin smirks “Did you miss me so much that now your body is sucking me in?”
“F-fuck, Jimin” Yoongi curses, hating how affected he gets everytime Jimin starts with his dirty talk. He gets so shy but his body reacts in funny ways, so he can’t tell if he likes it or not. “Please, just— just fuck me”
“Awww, aren’t you needy?” Yoongi covers his watery eyes with one arm, his face is on flames “Did you really miss me that much?”
“Fuck you” Yoongi uses both of his arms to cover his face now, he’s embarrassed, so horny, so stimulated, so in love and so done to deal with this nonsense “You fucking know I did!” He sobs “I was… I was literally…” Lips come to silence his words and he’s grateful for that. He doesn’t want to say it, he doesn’t want to think about it, he doesn’t want Jimin to think about it either, he doesn’t want the younger one blaming himself when it was him who fell first, he doesn’t want all this noise anymore, he wants to trust, he needs to trust.
(“And if you love me like you say you do, you have to believe me”)
He has to.
“I missed you too” Jimin breathes out between kisses that taste a little salty. “I’m sorry it took me too long to say it”
“We could have gone through this together” Yoongi hiccups, crap , he’s crying again, he’s ruining it all “There was no need for you to leave” He cries, fists tight in Jimin’s chest “Can you see it now? My body is yours, my heart is yours, can you… not leave this time?”
What a disaster, there’s precum on his stomach, lube on his ass, tears on his face and him making a scene because he’s not able to take dirty talk without getting emotional about it. How can it be true? How can Jimin love him? Jimin, delicate, graceful and beautiful like those petals that bloom on his lungs.
(“And if you love me like you say you do, you have to believe me”)
Yoongi breaks into an ugly broken sob.
“I’m sorry… I promise I won’t leave you anymore” a kiss on his temple “Never again, okay?” a kiss on his cheek. Yoongi nods. “I was a coward and I hurt you along the way and I will always hate myself for that”
“D-don’t hate yourself” Yoongi shakes his head, wiping his tears because he won’t risk Jimin’s gentleman manners and get lube on his face. “It wasn’t your fault, just… don’t leave again, or at least don’t leave without telling me about it” Yoongi pouts, looking down “Because… I’m going to miss you too much, and this time I don’t know what am I going to do”
Jimin chuckles and rubs their noses together, is intimacy on top of intimacy. Yoongi feels overwhelmed, but he tells himself to keep calm, that he can’t stay the whole night crying at every single touch.
(Even if he feels like it)
“You’re too kind to me, I don’t deserve you at all” He smiles, caressing his cheek.
“Too bad, you already said I’m yours, no refund” Yoongi tries to look at his eyes, but gets shy too quickly and goes back to look at the mole on his cheek.
“Hmph, sorry, I’m selfish, I was feeling bad but not thinking about letting you go tho” He squishes his cheeks “My sweet dumpling honey hyung”
“Yah!, Jimin, you had one of those hands in my ass, that’s gross” Yoongi grimaces at him.
“Gross?” Jimin makes a whole show by taking his fingers inside his mouth and sucking and making lewd noises. “Is delicious”
“God, you’re terrible, but I need your lips on me so stop doing your weird things”
Jimin stops so quickly that it almost startles him a little. Yoongi stares at him with parted lips, waiting for him to come closer when the younger does the opposite: going under the sheets and throwing the legs of a startled Min Yoongi over his shoulders and diving down to spread his asscheeks and -apparently- have the meal of his life.
“Fuck!” Yoongi curses, slamming a hand over his mouth to muffle a scream “I mean a fuck-fucking kiss Park J-Jimin— ah, ngh ”
But Jimin doesn’t hear him, or has no intention to stop, because Yoongi squirms and trashes on bed but Jimin keeps going, he even uses one hand to spread it on his stomach and pin him there as with the other one he helps himself to navigate on his task.
“Fuck, Jimin, please… e-enough” Yoongi gasp, he’s desperate for air again, like he was on the floor of his kitchen, but now for a whole different reason. “I can’t, I can’t anymore”
“What do you mean you can’t?” Jimin asks, a thread of saliva still connecting him with his rim “You can’t what hyung? Hm?”
“I can’t…” He takes a deep breathe, fuck, how is Jimin real? “I can’t keep holding back”
“Don’t hold back then” Jimin smirks.
Yoongi groans.
“No, I don’t want to, not like this, I missed you too much” He tries his best to play his best puppy eyes “I want you to hug me” he pouts watching how Jimin’s confidence melts in tenderness “Later you can try all your kinky stuff”
Jimin emerges from between his legs, his beautiful torso glistening with sweat, his hair a mess and his lower lip and chin covered in saliva. He’s a nightmare made into a daydream, just his sight makes Yoongi shiver, even when he’s not touching him at all. He’s impossibly handsome and cute at the same time, like the cruel kiss of snow on your naked skin in a cold winter day, refreshing but nerve wrecking.
Yoongi stops breathing when Jimin starts to move again, a hand on his knee keeping his legs apart, making space for him, in front of him, inside him too. Jimin’s been naked for a while but Yoongi’s been forcing himself not to look down, he’s already on his limit of being flustered, he can’t keep walking close to the edge like this or else he’s going to explode, and oh, he needs to, he craves for a release, but he needs to have Jimin inside him for it, he’s been through too many emotions and the only place in which he can feel safe enough to let go is with Jimin inside him and him inside Jimin’s arms.
“I was tempted to ruin the mood with one of my kinky ideas, but you look nervous,” Jimin says in a hushed voice, leaving a kiss on Yoongi’s knee. “Are you okay? Are you sure you want this?”
Thankfully Yoongi remembers he needs air to survive and takes a shaky intake, nodding with his head.
“I want this, I’m just— Overwhelmed? Maybe?” He takes the heel of his palm to his eyes and whines “I just, I really, really want to feel you now, Jimin” He breathes out, fearing the silence but only hearing a soft giggle from the younger.
“I’ll give you everything you want Yoongi” A kiss to his other knee “Relax now, let me take care of you” Yoongi nods again, feeling his eyes water already. Jimin touches his legs with reverie, leaving more kisses here and there as his hand goes down where his mouth was minutes ago. He opens his mouth but doesn’t say a word, his body feels lax, wet and so ready for the younger that the fingers only help to make the anticipation grow.
His body doesn’t need more preparation, and he doesn’t need more words to know what to do when Jimin pulls his lower body closer and lifts his hips. His jaw falls, and he can hear Jimin’s curses as he starts to sink in. In theory he knows what to feel, but in that particular moment, he has no control over his body, how his toes start to curl, his back starts to bend and a tiny noise morphs into a loud moan when Jimin bottoms out.
“Fuck!” He curses out loud. He’s so full, Jimin is so deep. The tears that fall from his eyes are euphoric, and he swears that the real truth is that he died and reached heaven. How long were they apart? Three months at most? How did he dare to forget about the magic Jimin does in him? “J-Jimin, y-you…”
“I’m making love to you” Jimin smiles at him, apparently sharing some of his own euphoria if his nails digging in the flesh of his thigh and belly is something to judge. He retreats slowly, only to slam back at full force, Yoongi’s screams cover the sound of the bed hitting the wall “Do you like it?”
“I love it” He removes his hands from his face to look at Jimin, now he doesn’t mind his tears because he’s not ashamed of them. “I love you”
Jimin repeats the same trick and Yoongi squirms on bed, fisting the sheets and locking his feet behind Jimin’s back to keep him close, to make sure he’s not leaving anytime soon.
“I love you too Yoongi, I love you and I want you so much that now it’s me who’s fighting trying to hold back” Jimin says, leaning down to speak closer.
“Then, don’t do it”
“Yoongi” The younger chuckles.
“Later” He grabs one of Jimin’s wrists to guide his hand to his mouth, catching one of his cute fingers between his teeth and hearing the younger’s breath hitch when he takes it inside his mouth to suck and lick “Later we can make up for the time apart, now…” He knows he’s playing dirty, he’s blushing from his neck to the apple of his cheeks, but he needs to make his point, they’re past formalities, Jimin saved him from puking his lungs for fuck’s sake, the only things they have to do is to love each other until they get drunk from it “fuck me like you mean it” he sentences, and in less than half second he has Jimin devouring his mouth like the first time they fell in bed together.
Jimin is relentless with his pace, thrusting non stop as he bites and sucks on his skin. Yoongi is a puddle under him, he moans loudly and tugs his hair without holding back. He gives a fuck about his neighbours, about the possible dent on the wall, about his abused throat, about Jimin’s shoulder imprinted with his teeth. It’s so good and he can’t get enough of this.
“My Yoongi, my sweet Yoongi, you feel like heaven” Jimin whispers against his ear “Fuck, how did I survive without you? You’re so good to me, you take me so well” He kisses his temple and Yoongi sobs, his naked body melting under Jimin’s, it’s so easy to become one, so easy to give in, so easy to die in his arms.
“Kiss me, kiss me please” Yoongi begs and Jimin is quick to give, pressing his plump lips to his thin ones, tilting his head and opening his mouth to lick inside. Yoongi mewls, loving the sensation, his cock is forgotten between their bodies, getting nothing besides the friction between their bodies, but he’s so gone that just a simple kiss takes him to the climax, whining and biting Jimin’s lip to contain the emotion.
His insides clench, and that seems to be the final point for Jimin too, who buries himself deep making Yoongi cry out of oversensitivity as the younger starts to load inside him; it’s hot and Yoongi swears it takes forever and he loves it more for it, he doesn’t want it to stop, never, if possible he wants to frame this moment and stay forever on it.
“Oh my God, hyung, I’m so sorry, that was—”
“It was perfect” Yoongi pecks him. “It was perfect, the way you love is perfect”
“Well, I was a bit quick…”
“What was I then?” Yoongi snorts and Jimin smiles at him.
“You’re cute, you’re always cute”
“You only say that because…” oh , it hits Yoongi. Jimin giggles, apparently reading his mind.
“Yes, because I love you, but also because it’s true”
Yoongi forces his mind to stop overthinking and simply admire Jimin’s pretty eyes looking at him, those eyes that seem to look at him as if he’s something important, precious, valuable. He still has a long road to go to fully believe all that but at least, for now…
“I don’t feel like coughing”
“Oh?”
“My chest… still hurts, my throat too, but I don’t feel a cough coming like these past days” Yoongi places a hand on his sternum. “Is… quiet”
“Yoongi-hyung… that’s great news”
“Yeah” His eyes move from his hand on his chest to Jimin’s face, still looking at him with affection. “Seems like you weren’t lying”
“Told you, why would I lie about something like this?” He kisses his cheek and Yoongi melts again. “I really love you Min Yoongi”
“I love you too Park Jimin” Yoongi smiles with gums and teeth, throwing his arms on Jimin’s neck to pull him for a hug. He’s in love, oh, so in love, and so happy to be loved back, although he was okay with dying in silence; if it’s for Jimin, he’d happily close his eyes and stop his heartbeats on a bed of petals and blood. Now, he can lie on a soft bed listening to Jimin’s heartbeats until he closes his eyes to open them again for a new morning with Jimin by his side.
“Now… about what you said earlier about my kinks ‘later’ ” Jimin starts. Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“Fine, fine, but let me move the bed first or you’re going to break my wall” Jimin laughs, raising his fist like a child and Yoongi can’t help his laugh.
God, he loves him so much.
“So, are you telling us…” Jungkook starts, but doesn’t continue
“That it was actually a treatment for your disease,” Namjoon continues. Jin only smiles, sipping on his drink with his arm around Taehyung’s waist.
“Uh, yeah” Yoongi scratches the back of his ear.
“But you refused to take it and it took Jimin to come all the way from Japan for you to accept it?” Namjoon asks, raising an eyebrow.
Yoongi blushes mad red.
“Well, yeah” He shrugs.
“And it has something to do with that?” Hoseok points with his eyes at Jimin and Yoongi’s hands linked together.
Yoongi looks at his lap. Jimin giggles.
“How long?” Tae asks bluntly. Yoongi feels the tip of his ears hot, he knows exactly what he means. He opens his mouth to speak but Jimin is faster.
“Months, why?” The dancer smiles.
Taehyung gasps, taking a hand to his chest dramatically.
“And you dare to deny the married allegations” Tae points accusingly to his friend. “To me, your best friend” Jimin laughs loudly, throwing his head back.
“Oh, you see, at that time” Jimin looks at Yoongi and then at their linked hands “hyung was being the best friend ever, if you know what I mean” He wiggles his eyebrows and Yoongi prays for the earth to open and swallow him whole.
(With Jimin if possible, he doesn’t want to be apart anymore)
“Hyung!” Jimin lowers the headphones, turning in the chair of Yoongi studio “This is going so good”
“Is just a sketch” Yoongi scratches his neck, blushing.
“Still, I can’t wait for the final version” he makes tiny claps “What is this going to be about?”
“Ah… this one?” Jimin nods “Well, this song” He smiles, soft, looking at the ground and then at Jimin.
“Is a love song”