Chapter Text
James had cradled his arm in his lap and slightly tilted away from Tony against the car door while they drove back to the tower. He refused to look at Tony, to avoid making him think that he would want to talk about anything, and so far he seemed successful with that.
Tony drove straight to the garage and when they entered the elevator, he didn’t even had to tell Jarvis where they wanted to go. When they arrived in the workshop, James could see that Tony’s suit was already there.
“Why don’t you go to the couch? We’ll check your arm over and then you’ll be as good as new.”
James had intended to let Tony look at the arm, he needed it after all and there was no one better qualified than Tony, but at those words he stopped dead. He couldn’t move, neither could he go further into the shop nor could he leave, and it only took Tony a second to figure out that something wasn’t right.
“James? Are you in pain? Is everything alright?”
James laughed at that, because how the hell could everything be alright? Tony seemed a bit spooked by his sudden outburst but he quickly got himself back under control and approached James again.
He raised his hands towards James head and James leaned back, unwilling to let Tony make contact, especially since he didn’t know what he wanted to do.
“I’m just gonna take your mask, okay?” Tony said and his hands slowly came closer again, but James stepped out of his reach.
“What, can’t look at me like that?” he bitterly asked and Tony’s eyes grew wide.
“What are you talking about?” he confusedly asked, but James talked right over him.
“Want me to take off the uniform as well, so you can pretend I’m like him?” James snorted. “You won’t like him that much, he doesn’t have the arm, in case you forgot. He won’t be that interesting to you.”
Tony frowned at him when he stopped talking and James was aware that he was already breathing too fast again. He tried to get it under control, but it seemed like his words had opened a dam because it only got worse.
“Hey, okay, James. You’re alright. Come here.” Tony carefully took his hand and guided him to the couch where he pushed him down. “James. James, look at me,” Tony demanded but James didn’t react until Tony put his hand on the side of his face to guide his head around.
“You’re gonna be alright. Just breathe with me, okay? Deep breaths, in and out. Think you can do that?”
James wanted to laugh, because nothing would ever be alright again, least of all him, but Tony’s deep breaths were compelling and after a few minutes he found that he had matched them without thought.
“Good, see, it’s not so hard. Now, do you want the mask on or off?” Tony questioned him and James murmured ‘Off’. He wasn’t sure how Tony understood him, but he obviously did because his hands came up to undo the clasps in the back of his neck. James closed his eyes when Tony lowered the mask; he didn’t want to know what Tony saw.
Tony got rid of the mask somewhere because in the next moment one hand came up to his neck to pull him into an embrace while the other stroke soothingly up and down his back. “Wanna tell me what this was about?” Tony carefully asked and James tensed again. Tony immediately ran wider circles over his back and he started to card his fingers through James hair with his free hand.
There was a bit of silence before Tony said “I can’t speak for the others, but him being here won’t change a thing. Not for me.”
James clutched at Tony’s shirt, desperate for even that bit of comfort from him, but he couldn’t help to say “That’s because he doesn’t have the arm yet.” He was aware that his voice was full of venom, but he couldn’t keep quiet.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, James, but I can assure you, the arm is only secondary to me.”
“Yeah, right,” James bitterly said and finally pushed Tony away. He seemed reluctant to let go, but in the end he couldn’t do anything against James’ strength.
“What is going on?” Tony asked him when James didn’t say anything else.
James took a deep breath before he said “You only put up with me because of the arm.”
Tony was stunned, too stunned to even say anything, and James rushed on. “I mean, I get it, it’s interesting to you. But I’m only here because of the arm, it’s not like you really care, and Steve, Steve won’t care either, not anymore, not with him here. He only wanted Bucky back and he got that now, so there won’t be a place for me anymore. And you, you only care about the arm, but you don’t care about me, and why would you when there’s a whole version of me out there, someone who isn’t as messed up as me. But where do I go now? I don’t have anywhere else to go,” James desperately said and belatedly realized that he was crying.
He dropped his head, too afraid to look at Tony and see all his worst fears confirmed. He didn’t know what he would do now, he only knew the tower. It was his home and he would miss it terribly just as well as the others. But they wouldn’t be interested in putting up with him any longer, not when there was a whole version of him, one who hadn’t seen all the horrors he had and wasn’t known as a killing machine, one who could still laugh freely.
James buried his face into his hand, trying to curl up into himself, to be smaller and maybe keep himself together instead of falling apart right now, but he knew that it was a lost cause.
He startled badly when two hands came up around him and pulled him into Tony’s chest once more. James knew that he should probably try to fight it, to get away from Tony and not let this become any worse, but he couldn’t find the strength to move and Tony had quite the grip on him.
“You are not going anywhere, James,” Tony decidedly said and James opted to take it for this moment. He knew that he eventually would have to leave, there was no way Steve would want him around with that other Bucky here, but for now, just for this moment, he could let himself believe.
He sagged into Tony’s hold, who only squeezed him a bit tighter, and James had to fight new tears. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Tony released his tight grip on him and slightly pushed him away. He looked quizzically at him and then raised a hand to brush his thumb under James’ eye.
James knew that he had just shown weakness and while he was aware that it was okay, that they all had their moments, he felt the need to rectify it and so he sat up a bit straighter and took a deep breath.
“It’s okay,” he said, though he didn’t feel like anything would be okay ever again. “You can repair the arm, if you still want, and then I’ll be gone. There’s no need to worry.”
He still carefully avoided Tony’s eyes and kept his gaze trained on the ground, but he could still make out the frown on Tony’s face.
“There’s plenty need to worry. James, what are you thinking? That I only allow you down here because I want to work on the arm? That I only flirt with you because of the arm?” Tony asked him and he sounded indignant.
James barely shrugged with his shoulder, he didn’t really trust his voice, but it was enough to make Tony swear.
“You really think I did everything because I want to work on the arm,” Tony stated and James took another deep breath, but otherwise he stayed silent. He felt like he had already said too much and hoped to get some kind of balance back if he was quiet now.
“James Buchanan Barnes, you are one big idiot,” Tony exclaimed and James only slightly flinched at the use of his whole name.
Before Tony could go on, Jarvis interrupted them. “Sir, Mister Banner inquires about your and Mister Barnes’ well-being.”
“Tell him we’re fine, but we won’t be up anytime soon,” Tony said to Jarvis, but James could tell that he didn’t take his eyes off him.
James shrunk a bit under the knowledge that Steve had no doubt brought Bucky into the tower and that he was somewhere here, probably already shown around and asked where he wanted to sleep. Probably even offered his very own room.
“You can go up,” James told him, suddenly realizing that Tony must be really curious about the whole portal thing, now that people actually came through it. And as far as he could remember, someone talked about a different universe. There was no way he was more interesting to Tony than that. “I’ll just,” he waved his hand towards the entrance, indicating that he could very well leave now. He would find someone else for the arm, even if he didn’t want to.
“I can stay down here, thank you very much. And you won’t just vanish, that is not happening,” Tony very decisively said. “There’s no way I leave before we talked.”
“I think I said enough,” James mumbled towards his knees. “I don’t plan on saying more.”
“That’s fine with me, I can do the talking,” Tony told him and James wished he could disappear. He didn’t want to hear what Tony had to say to his little breakdown.
“I’d prefer it, if you didn’t,” James told him but Tony shook his head.
“Not talking probably brought us into this situation, so we will talk now. Or, I’ll talk and you’ll listen.”
James was still not looking up, but he heard Dummy and You approach. They came gradually closer, keeping a bit of a distance to the couch and James, but they were beeping away and they sounded worried. James slowly raised his hand, not sure if they would want to take it, since it wasn’t his metal hand, but Dummy carefully grabbed it and curled his claw around it. When You saw that Dummy wasn’t being chased away, he came closer as well and rested his claw on James’ shoulder. The beeping had changed now, they sounded more reassuring than worried. James couldn’t help the new wave of pain, because even if those two would miss him, it would also only be because the arm would be gone with him.
His breathing changed again and Tony picked up on it. “Okay, I don’t know what you’re thinking that you’re about to have a new panic attack, but you need to tell me.”
“They will only miss the arm as well,” James managed to say before his throat closed up again.
Tony moved closer to him, until his side was pressed into James’ and then he took his hand. James wasn’t sure if he wanted to return the hold or if he wanted to take his hand away, but it didn’t matter either way, because his arm was not obeying.
“They will miss you, because of you,” Tony said and his voice didn’t leave any room for argument. “How many people come in here and act like you did with them, huh? How many people talk to them, or say goodbye to them instead of just leaving?” He paused there, obviously waiting for an answer but James couldn’t speak and so eventually Tony went on. “Very few, is the answer. Rhodey and Pepper do it, they’ve known them long enough to realized that they are not only some dumb robots. But other than that? Natasha is warming up to them, I think, but that’s it.”
Tony stopped there again, giving James time to think that over but he had a hard time comprehending that. The bots seemed so expressive and each of them had their own personality. It seemed unfair that people wouldn’t see that.
“They will miss you, because you come down here and greet them like you missed them. They will miss you, because you indulge them with their touching. They will miss you, because you trust them enough to fall asleep when they are around. They will miss you, because you joke around with them and don’t always threaten to give them away to some college,” Tony said finally and James turned his hand around to hold on to Dummy’s claw. “The arm has nothing to do with that anymore. They were curious about it in the beginning but that long since wore off.”
James had to swallow a few times but eventually he managed to say “It didn’t with you.”
“What? The curiosity? No, because that arm is fascinating and I want to learn everything there is about it.”
That was exactly what James had thought and so he nodded dejectedly. “That’s what I thought,” he murmured and tried to get up, tried to get away from Tony. But Tony would have none of it and pulled him back down on the couch.
“Is that really what you think? That I will lose interest in you as soon as I got my hands on that arm and learned everything about it? Is that why you’ve been holding back and not allowing me to check it over?” Tony asked him and James thought that over. That hadn’t been the only reason he hadn’t let Tony work on the arm, there was still the lingering memory of Hydra hurting him while they worked on it, but it certainly played a role in his hesitation.
He didn’t say it, but it seemed like his silence had been telling enough because Tony tightened his grip on his hand. “I am not interested in you because of the arm,” Tony said vehemently and while James knew that it was meant to be reassuring to him, his brain immediately pointed out that Tony would like the Bucky upstairs even better then.
James was hurt enough that he actually said that out loud and Tony’s hand grabbed him a bit tighter, though he didn’t say anything. James moved to get up again and when Tony tried to hold him back, he broke his hold. He was careful not to hurt him or the bots when he untangled himself from them but he used enough force to make it clear that Tony wouldn’t be able to hold him back anymore.
He started to move away from Tony, towards the door, but Tony followed him. “James, wait. Don’t leave now. I think we should talk about this.”
“Good for you,” James said and forced as much sarcasm into his voice as he could. “But I think we said enough. Maybe you should go look after the other Bucky now.”
“Why would I do that?” Tony asked him, still trailing behind him.
“You do love a good project, don’t you. I think my use on that department has expired so why don’t you go and find yourself something new to fix?” James tried very hard to make his voice as hard as he could, not willing to show yet again how hurt he truly was.
Tony stopped dead at those words and James couldn’t help but quickly look back at him. He was surprised by the amount of hurt he could see in Tony’s face but he told himself that it meant nothing. Or at least it wouldn’t mean anything, once Tony got to know Bucky. That would make up for every pain James ever caused him.
He quickly exited the workshop, glad that Tony didn’t try to follow him anymore. James was too restless to wait for the elevator and so he quickly made his way up the stairs. When he reached the level where the common floor was, he could hear Jarvis tell someone that he was in the staircase and before he could run up another level, the door opened and Steve was there.
James froze, like a deer in headlights, but Steve didn’t seem to notice anything unusual because he was smiling brightly at him.
“James, I finally found you. Come to the kitchen? Bucky is eating, but he wanted to talk to you, after I explained a bit to him.”
“That’s great, really, but I don’t think I’m up for that,” James weakly said and Steve frowned.
“But Buck, if you’d talk to him…” Steve started but James interrupted him, unable to keep the bitterness further out of his voice.
“I’d what? Absorb his traits? See what I lost? Become more like him? I think I can do without that, thanks.”
He moved to further climb the stairs but Steve’s hand shot out to grab him. James moved out of his reach but he waited for what Steve had to say. “Sooner or later you will have to talk to him. He’s not leaving.”
“Of course he’s not,” James murmured bitterly but then he raised his voice. “Don’t worry. There will be no problem. I…won’t let it come to that.”
Steve seemed reasonably confused by that but also hopeful because of course he misinterpreted James’ words and thought that he would eventually cave and talk to Bucky. James had no intention of doing so, but he would need a bit more time to figure out where he would go when he left here, and the longer Steve left him alone, the better.
“Great. Where’s Tony? I think he’d want to talk to Bucky as well.”
“He’s still in the workshop. Should be up any minute,” James rushed out and then quickly ran up the stairs, not paying attention if Steve called after him.
He reached his room and burst into it, quickly locking the door and told Jarvis “Jarvis, keep this door locked. I don’t want anyone to come in. And disable observation in here.” Tony had told him very early on that Jarvis monitored everything in the tower, but that he could tell Jarvis what amount of surveillance he would be comfortable with, and if needed he could also turn it off completely. James hadn’t made use of that very often, but now seemed like a good time. He didn’t want anyone to come in and try to tell him how awesome Bucky was and ask him why he had never been so much fun.
“Very well, sir,” Jarvis replied, but he sounded slightly disapproving.
“And I don’t want you to keep taps on my search. It’s private.”
“Understood, sir.”
James was in the middle of figuring out how he would get his money without leaving a trace when someone knocked on his door. “James,” Natasha called out for him. “Open the door.”
“Go away, Natasha.”
“Only when you come out,” she replied and he cursed. He quickly went through his options, but if Natasha said she wouldn’t leave then she really wouldn’t. She was stubborn like that.
“Fine, hold on,” he yelled at her and carefully closed all the windows. He shoved his duffle bag, half filled with clothes already, under the bed and then went to unlock the door. “What,” he snapped at her, but avoided eye contact, like he had done so often today before.
“Are you alright?” she asked, and he didn’t need to look to know that there was a slight frown on her face.
“I’m fine. What do you want?” he asked her, willing this conversation along, so that he could finally leave, preferably without running into Bucky first.
“I just thought someone should keep you company, you know, with him being here,” she said and tried to slip past him into his room, but he blocked the door.
“I don’t need supervision. I won’t go berserk or something.”
“No, but you might have a difficult time dealing with this and I thought if you don’t want to talk, we could watch something, or go spar.”
“Thanks, but I’m good,” he forced out and shut the door in her face. He didn’t need her pity.
He didn’t hear her leave, but she also didn’t knock again, so James counted it as a win. He quickly resumed his search, but soon he realized that there was no way he would get his money without alerting someone. Maybe if he did it right after he left and took as much as he could get. The others would need some time to figure out that he left, especially if he asked Jarvis to tell them to leave him alone and he could use that, admittedly short, window.
With that figured out, he went on to safe locations, but after a bit of research realized that it would be pointless. He would just leave and go wherever his feet took him. That way no one could predict his steps and attempt to follow him.
He was shoving the rest of his clothes into the bag, packing proved a bit difficult with just one functioning hand, when something behind him clattered, followed by feet hitting the ground. James whipped his gun out, levelling it at the intruder’s head, only to lower it again when he realized it was Clint.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Clint asked him and gave a pointed look at his bag.
“That’s none of your business,” James said and put his gun back into his bag. He threw the last two shirts into it as well and then zipped it up.
“Are you really leaving?” Clint went on, clearly ignoring the fact that James didn’t want to talk.
“What choice do I have?” James lowly asked him, hating how dejected he sounded.
“Eh, you could stay? That would be a good choice.”
James snorted. “Yeah, right, like Steve would want me around, now that he has his Bucky back.” He shouldered his bag and turned around to Clint. “Believe me, it will be for the best. You’ll like him better than me. Just give it some time.”
“I don’t want to like him better than you,” Clint vehemently said and grabbed his shoulder. “You’re not making any sense. No one will like him better than you. This is not a competition.”
“Steve already does. He’ll convince you,” James said bitterly and pushed past Clint.
“I will not let you leave. I’ll tell the others. They won’t let you, either.”
“Good luck with that. I think you’ll find that they will.”
“James, don’t do this. You live here. This is your home.”
“It was only my home until you got fed up with me, I knew that. And now that he is here…it’s better this way. Steve will try his best to be friendly, but he only ever wanted Bucky back and now he doesn’t have to try with me. I don’t want to impose. You’ll like him…I was fun before…everything.”
“You’re fun now!” Clint exclaimed and positioned himself before the door. “I don’t care who he is or how much fun he’ll be. He isn’t you, and I like you just fine.”
“Well, he won’t nearly kill you in your own home, so there’s that,” James said, while he tried to shove Clint out of the way but he wouldn’t budge.
“This again? When will you ever let this go, man? I told you it wasn’t a big thing.”
“It was for me, Clint,” James admitted and that finally shut him up, though he still wouldn’t budge. James would be impressed by his steadfastness, if it didn’t mean that he would have to use actual force to get him to move.
James suddenly remembered that there wouldn’t be a chance of getting his money now, not with Clint knowing what he wanted to do. He quickly debated if it would be acceptable to knock Clint out, and while it would no doubt leave a bad taste in his mouth, he decided that it was his only way. He would have preferred to do it with his metal hand, he knew exactly what amount of force he would need, but since that was still out of commission he would have to use his right hand.
He was about to draw his fist back when Jarvis suddenly spoke up. “Sirs, I believe you should see this.”
Without waiting for permission, he brought up a video feet of the common floor, where the whole team sans Natasha had gathered. Bucky was sitting at the counter, in the middle of eating, but obviously abandoned that in favour of watching Steve and Tony. There were in the middle of an argument like it seemed and the audio needed a second to reach James.
“…send him back,” Tony was in the middle of saying and Steve vigorously shook his head.
“We won’t. I won’t send him back into war!”
James had known that Steve would never let Bucky go again, but to hear it now still hurt. He gave Clint a pointed look but he wasn’t paying attention to him, gaze fixed on the scene.
“You can’t do that. He has to go back. We have no idea what it will do to this universe if he stays, if there are two versions of him here, let alone what will happen in his world. We can’t risk it.”
“I don’t care what happens. He will not go back there.”
“I think Tony is right on this one,” Bruce interjected and even Thor nodded gravely.
“He has to go back to his world. This world can’t take two versions of him. This is meddling beyond any reasonable risk. It could endanger both worlds,” Thor explained but Steve vigorously shook his head.
“I will not send him back there! We don’t even know if the portal will show up again,” Steve tried now.
“Bruce and I will be on that. We’ll try to open it manually. Jarvis has gathered some data and we think we can make it. Thor offered his help,” Tony explained and Steve looked betrayed from one of them to the next.
“We will not do this!” he yelled again and this time everyone stayed quiet. Expect Bucky.
He had lowered his sandwich and was looking at Steve intently. “Stevie,” he said, “of course I have to go back.”
Tony turned around to point at him, a ‘listen to him’ expression on his face.
“You can’t go back,” Steve told him and he sounded pained.
“You keep saying that but you didn’t actually explain to me why. And my Steve is still over there. He’ll worry. There’s no way I’ll leave him alone. You should know that.”
“Exactly,” Tony chimed in, obviously latching on to that point. And it was a good move; probably the only thing that could convince Steve to let Bucky go. “What if that world’s Steve hears about the missing 107th, only to go after them and then not finding Bucky? What would that do to him?”
“Nothing I didn’t live through,” Steve mumbled and Bucky perked up.
“Steve, what exactly happened? I mean, you told me a bit, but I keep thinking that a huge part is missing. What are you not telling me?”
Steve was about to answer him when Natasha came into the room. “He’s leaving,” she told them and Steve’s shoulders hunched.
“Yes, we’ve been talking about that, but Steve won’t cooperate,” Tony explained and levelled a hard stare at Steve.
“No, not him, James. James is leaving. He is packing his things, and I don’t know how long Clint can distract him without getting punched in the face.”
James turned over to Clint, feeling betrayed that he would conspire against him like that, but Clint only gave him a sheepish smile. “It’s not like you would listen to us,” he chided but when Tony spoke again James turned back to the screen.
“Damn, I didn’t think he would really just go,” he said and everyone turned to him. “What? He kept saying that he didn’t have anywhere else to go and I just thought that maybe then him leaving wouldn’t be an issue.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell him to stay in the first place?” Natasha demanded to know and Tony shrugged.
“It wasn’t that obvious that he wanted to leave, he only made some hints, and there was other stuff I was concerned with. Like him thinking we wouldn’t like him now that that Bucky is here,” he nearly yelled and pointed at Bucky who was still only looking at Steve.
“Steve?” he cautiously asked and everyone else fell silent. “You’ve been awfully quiet. What is going on? Why are you not on your way to tell him to stay?”
Steve wrung his hands in front of his body and James felt like the floor was pulled out from under his feet all over again. “He can’t even pretend to want me here,” he hissed, finally pushed Clint aside and yanked open the door only to have it shut a second later. Clint had flung himself against it, trying very hard to keep James from leaving.
“You will not leave! I don’t believe he doesn’t want you here, but even if that is the case, there are other people here who want you to stay!”
James begrudgingly let go of the doorknob and turned back around to the screen. No one had said anything since they had turned away from it and James had the suspicion that Jarvis had paused the transmission.
“Stevie, what is wrong? Did something happen to him?” Bucky eventually asked and Steve’s face did that complicated twisting thing, where he wanted to agree to something but tried very hard to deny it at the same time.
“What happened? And don’t you dare tell me any lies!” Bucky demanded and all the fight left Steve’s body. He sagged and propped himself up on the chair that was in front of him.
“I happened,” he desperately said and kept his head down, not looking at Bucky.
“I don’t understand,” Bucky admitted but he seemed to be the only one because understanding was quite clear on Natasha and Tony’s faces.
“You think it’s your fault,” Natasha began and Steve let out a bitter laugh at that.
“Of course it’s my fault!” he yelled at them and then tried very hard to calm himself down. “Bucky was being honourably discharged as a prisoner of war. He was so relieved when he got that letter,” Steve haltingly told them, still looking down at his hands.
“He had seen enough of war, had been through enough and I knew it. Still, when I got my orders, I couldn’t help but ask him if he would accompany me. I should have known better. He would never have said no.”
James remembered that evening clearly. It was true, he had been relieved when he got that letter, but he also immediately knew that he would never leave Steve alone in this horror. There was no way he was going home when Steve was going into war. So of course he had said yes when Steve had asked him in that bar.
“Of course I wouldn’t,” Bucky said now. “I would never leave you alone in a place like that.”
Steve nodded crestfallen. “I know. And I knew it then. I didn’t want to go without you. I knew there was no way you’d say no. I exploited that.”
That was so far from the truth that James couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at that.
Bucky seemed to know it too because he said “I would have followed you even if you hadn’t asked. I can’t imagine that the me in this dimension is so different that he would have let you go.”
Before any of them could say anything else James was out of the door. This time Clint hadn’t been fast enough to stop him but that didn’t matter because James had no intention of leaving now. Instead he nearly sprinted to the common floor, dimly aware that Clint was following him. He slowed down before he reached it, hoping that he hadn’t missed too much of the conversation, but they were still stuck on that same topic.
He walked into the kitchen area and tried to supress his nerves when all eyes fell on him. He thought he knew what Steve’s problem with him was now and he wasn’t about to just let it go.
“Bucky,” Steve breathed when he saw him and this time James didn’t flinch. He walked up towards Steve and only when Steve looked him in the eye did he say “It was not your fault.”
Steve’s voice was full of agony when he finally said “Of course it was.”
James was aware that the others were still looking at them, Bucky especially had his eyes fixed on him, but since none of them said anything, he ignored them.
“It was not your fault. I followed you out of my own free will. You didn’t force me to go.”
“Maybe, but I could have tried harder to reach you. I should have known they did something to you and I should have come back to look for your body.”
“Steve, you did everything you could. It wasn’t your fault that I was out of reach. And how the hell would you even have found me? You didn’t know about the serum and I would never want you to waste your time on something as pointless as looking for my body. It was the middle of winter and I was falling out of a train. I should have never survived and you would never have found me.”
“But I should have tried. I should have tried! You jumped after me,” Steve mumbled and James blanched.
“Into water, Steve. You fell into water. Not onto cold, hard rocks. I fell so long I don’t even remember reaching the bottom of the ravine.” Steve stayed quiet at that and so James asked the question he dreaded the most. “Are you insinuating that you wished you’d jumped after me? Do you really think you dying with me there would have been better?”
Steve’s head snapped up and the agony was all over his face. “But you didn’t die! You didn’t, Buck, and kept thinking…even before I knew you survived, I thought it would be so much easier if I’d just…”
“You’re kidding me, right? Tell me you did not think that!” James demanded but Steve stayed silent too long for his liking. What Steve eventually said didn’t make it any better.
“I put down the plane a week later, Buck.”
James felt a bit unsteady on his feet and he was glad that Tony was right there by his side, because he blindly grabbed for him. Tony’s arm was steady under his and it gave him the support he needed.
“You told us there wasn’t a way to bring down the plane safely,” Natasha calmly interjected but Steve just shrugged.
“Maybe there was. Maybe I could have jumped off before it hit the water. I don’t know. I didn’t really spend time looking for another way.”
“Stevie,” James whispered and reached out for Steve, whose hand came up easily and clutched at James’ hand just as hard as he did.
“I know you think that I don’t like you as you are now, but I can’t help but to think that it’s my fault. I tried to fix it, I did, and I know now that that won’t happen but that doesn’t help with my guilt, you know. And I am so sorry, I know I should have been there for you, helped you more, but whenever something happened I only could think ‘I did that. I did that to him’ and it made everything so damn hard.”
“Steve, you did nothing to me. You helped me find back to myself. I wouldn’t have known what to do if you hadn’t been there this whole time. There’s nothing to feel guilty for. I never blamed you.”
Steve let out a shaky breath and tried to smile at James, though it fell flat due to the obvious pain Steve was in. “I blamed me. I still do.”
James wanted to repeat that there was nothing to feel guilty for, it hadn’t been Steve’s fault damn it, but he knew that saying it again wouldn’t help Steve. So instead he said “I forgive you, Steve,” even if he didn’t think there was anything to forgive.
He had hoped that it would be the right thing to say, but he wasn’t prepared for the sheer amount of relieve that washed over Steve’s face. He took a deep breath before he got up and then he pulled James towards him to embrace him into a hug. James clung to him and Steve returned the gesture.
“I’m so sorry,” Steve mumbled into his neck and James stroke his back.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he answered and squeezed Steve a bit tighter.
After a while they released each other and James became aware that everyone, including himself, had observed this scene. He looked around and dared anyone to say something but no one opened his mouth. Except for Clint.
“Does that mean you’re not leaving?” he asked and Natasha swatted his head. “Ouch, man, Natasha, you are so mean. What was that for?”
“That was for you being an idiot,” she replied but there was a smile playing around her mouth.
A second later James was also hit on the back of his head and he turned around, scandalized. “What the heck was that for?” he asked Tony who considered him for a moment before he said “That was for you being an idiot. What the hell were you thinking leaving like that?”
“I don’t know. I just thought I had to get away,” James explained but Tony didn’t look satisfied.
“I told you it wouldn’t change anything. No one here wants you to leave.”
“I know that now,” James sheepishly said and rubbed the back of his head but he gave a small smile to Tony, who promptly returned it.
“I have no idea what happens to me in my world, but if it leads to me stepping out with him, I’m alright with that. Plus the arm looks cool.”
James jerked away from Tony like he had been burned and turned around to Bucky. “I’m not…we’re not…stepping out!”
Bucky raised an eyebrow while he looked at them but something in their faces must have told him to back off because he said “If you say so. Still. The arm’s kinda cool.”
“No, it’s not,” James grumbled and sat down opposite of Bucky. “Listen, if you’re gonna go back to your world there are a few things you should know. So take notes.”
From the corner of his eyes, he could see, that Bruce and Thor wanted to protest, probably going on about altering the timeline or something like that, but Tony chimed in before they could start.
“Let them at least do that. Maybe we’ll even create a better world with that.”
Bruce sighed and Thor fondly shook his head but they stayed silent.
James turned back around to Bucky and repeated “So, here’s what you have to do.”
Bucky didn’t wait for him but started on his own. “Avoid trains, check. Follow Steve into the jaws of death, check.” James startled a bit at the use of those words because those were the exact same Steve had used all those years ago. Bucky didn’t seem to have noticed, though, because he went right on. “Do not let Steve put a plane into water, check. Reach the future to meet him,” he said and pointed at Tony. “Something else I’m missing?”
While James pointedly ignored the little quip about Tony, Bruce behind him groaned. “We most likely altered his worlds’ future. I can’t imagine that will be good.”
“If he doesn’t fall and become the Winter Soldier, then that is alright with me,” Steve interjected and James nodded. “Seconded. I would like to spare him, or myself, that.”
“So what exactly happened anyway?” Bucky asked him, eagerly looking between James and Steve. “I mean, we made it to the future. That seems great.”
“It would be, if the circumstances were different,” Steve told him and the team settled down around the table. Tony hesitated for a second before he too grabbed a chair to sit down next to James. When everyone was settled Steve started to talk.
~*~
It was a few hours later when they were finally done with the story. James interjected whenever Steve missed something, or deliberately left out how stupid and reckless he had been, and Steve tightly gripped James hand when it was his turn to tell his story, and Bucky listened attentively.
He seemed a bit white around the nose when Steve and James were done, but he didn’t hesitate to tell them what happened to him in return. It was a lot like James’ own imprisonment with Hydra, except that the Red Skull and Zola of this world had managed to make the serum work, if only for a short time. Bucky explained that all the soldiers that they had battled were injected with that bastardized version of the serum, but as far as he could tell, no one survived it for longer than a few days. So far he had been the only exception.
After he was through with his story, he admitted to be dead on his feet and quickly went off to bed. Everyone else vanished as well after that, undoubtedly going to bed themselves. No one had gotten any real rest after that fight and most of them were even still in their uniforms.
James was on his way to bed himself, debating if he would unpack first or just go straight to bed, when Tony stopped him. “Want me to fix the arm? I just have to reboot it, shouldn’t take long at all.”
James hesitated a second, unsure if he could take another emotionally taxing talk today, and he had no doubt that it would be that with Tony; he was sure Tony had a lot to say about their earlier talk. But the arm bothered him, he really relayed a lot on it, even in day to day use, and he wanted to have his full motion back.
He nodded and when Tony left for the workshop without a word, he followed him. They walked there in complete silence and James wondered with what Tony would begin.
But Tony didn’t say anything until James was sitting down and then it was only to tell him how he wanted the arm.
James felt uneasy in the silence and in the end he was the one to break it. Tony was already working on his arm, plates open, and James couldn’t have chosen a worse moment, because there was no way he could just get up and leave if this talk became too much for him.
“I’m sorry he assumed we were stepping out,” James blurted out and then cursed himself. That hadn’t been the thing he wanted to talk about at all and he wished he could take it back. It would probably be easy to resolve the other issues that came up in their previous conversation, half of them were already addressed in his heart-to-heart with Steve, but this topic with Tony was bound to be as painful as his talk with Steve had been.
Tony stopped his work on the arm, but he didn’t look up. When he finally did, he also squared his shoulder and James dreaded the answer that would come.
When Tony eventually said “I’m not,” James needed a few seconds to fully understand what Tony had just said.
“What,” he finally managed and Tony put his tools away.
“I’ve been making a pass at you for the last few months, and I was really wondering if I lost my game. But if he noticed, then I must have done something right.”
“You’ve been making what?” James asked, still a bit dumbstruck at the direction this conversation was headed into.
“James, seriously? I’ve been flirting with you almost non-stop.”
“But you only ever say something about the arm! How is that flirting?”
“I thought you had a problem with the arm,” Tony exclaimed and threw his hands in the air. “You wouldn’t let anyone touch it, let alone work on it and I thought it bothered you. I tried to show you that it didn’t bother me!”
“But I’m not bothered by the arm,” James weakly uttered and Tony rolled his eyes.
“Yes, thank you, I realized that by now.” Tony deeply sighed and then said “But it’s fine, I get that my flirting bothers you, I mean your reaction to his assumption was pretty obvious, and I’ll stop it.” Tony looked down again and started to put the plates back into place. “I’m done here. Should be as good as new.”
When he was done with the plates he started to move away and James grabbed for him with the metal hand, which, of course, was working flawlessly again. “I’m not done,” he told Tony, whose eyes slightly widened at that statement.
“I thought you flirted with me because you wanted to work on the arm. That it was the only thing that interested you,” he explained to him and Tony sat back down on his chair.
“The arm is like, okay not really the least interesting thing about you, but it’s more like an added bonus. I’m interested in you. With or without the arm.”
“That’s the reason I wanted to leave,” James confessed but Tony’s face furrowed in confusion.
“I don’t follow,” Tony admitted lowly.
“I thought you were only interested in the arm. And if that weren’t the case then you would probably like him, the other Bucky, a lot better than me. I mean, he is less broken, that’s true, and probably a lot more fun than me and…”
“Stop!” Tony snapped and James fell silent. “I like you exactly like you are, PTSD, nightmares and bad days included. And you’re not broken. You’ve been through a lot, it’s okay to be a bit messed up. We all are. And I know you don’t think you are like the Bucky upstairs anymore, but the truth is you don’t seem so different to me when you smile. You survived so much and that made you maybe a bit harder around the edges but you are still that same guy, even if you can’t seem to realize that.”
James was stunned after that little speech and didn’t know what to say. Tony seemed to realize that as well because he added “So yes, I will probably like the other Bucky, but only because I already like you. I fell in love with you and if you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, but don’t think for a second you’re undeserving or too broken to be loved or that it is because of the arm. Because I can assure you, it’s not.”
James was taken aback by the vehemence with which Tony talked and his throat closed up once more. He swallowed a few times and it obviously took too long because Tony moved a bit away from him. “Okay. Okay, I get it,” he said and sounded a lot more hurt than his expression would let on. “I think we should go to bed now, it’s been an exhausting day.”
He got up, shoulders slightly hunched over and he avoided looking at James. And this wouldn’t do, not at all, he needed Tony to look him in the eye again and so he got up as well and walked right into Tony’s space.
James briefly thought of making an innuendo, like Tony had done countless times before, but he felt like he needed to be real clear with this and so he simply said “I like you, too.”
Tony’s eyes lit up and a smile slowly spread over his face. “Yeah?” he breathed in the air between them and James replied with an equally soft but decisive “Yes.”
Tony’s smile became a bit mischievous then and he was lightly chuckling even before he asked “Wanna step out with me then?”
James groaned but Tony started to laugh honestly and it was the best sight James had seen this day. It made it easy to play along. “I’ll take you dancing, how about that?” he teasingly asked and Tony smirked at him.
“As long as you don’t bring your 40s notions about how far to go on the first date into this, I’m fine with that.”
“Oh yeah? What would you want to happen on our first date?”
“A kiss would be awesome,” Tony smiled at him and James couldn’t resist that. He leaned in and Tony met him in the middle, but James only brushed his lips lightly over Tony’s.
“I told you not to bring the 40s into this,” Tony pouted and James laughed at him.
“That would have been the 30s,” James explained to him. “The 40s would have been a bit more like this.” He leaned in again and this time he didn’t tease Tony. When they parted, Tony’s eyes were a bit glazed but he seemed deeply pleased.
“I think I like the 40s,” he told Bucky, who laughed in response.
“There’s a lot more you’d like about the 40s,” he hinted and Tony honest to god blushed.
“Oh yeah?” he asked and tried to make it as suggestive as he could but Bucky didn’t respond to that. He brought their foreheads together and closed his eyes, to just enjoy their proximity. Tony’s hands came up, one stroking his shoulder and arm, while the other slipped into his hair to lightly scratch at his scalp.
“You can show me all about the 40s later. How about we go to bed, get some rest?”
“Sounds good,” James tiredly murmured, feeling the toll the day took on him heavily now.
They walked out of the workshop, still close to each other and holding hands, unwilling to part even for a second. When they made it to James’ room Tony warily eyed the packed bag but James distractedly kicked it to the side. He was too tired to unpack, or even get a shirt out of it, and so he just stripped out of his uniform without getting something to sleep in.
Tony watched him appreciatively before he started to undress himself. James watched him with the same appreciation but when Tony waggled his hips at him he slightly shook his head.
“Not that I don’t like the view, but I think I’m too beat to do anything,” James freely admitted and Tony laughed at him.
“Just showing off what would be in your future,” he easily said and James extended his hand towards him. Tony came willingly and when he was within reach James pulled him close.
“I like how my future looks,” he murmured into Tony’s ear, who shivered slightly.
“I’m glad,” he answered and then slowly moved them closer to the bed. “Sleep now?”
“Yes,” James said with emphasis and they quickly lay down under the covers. They wriggled a bit around, until they had a position they were both comfortable with; Tony’s back pressed to James’ front, metal arm over his stomach and Tony’s head pillowed on James’ right arm. They were asleep within seconds.
~*~
When the team noticed their new closeness during the next few days there were a lot of encouraging comments or shoulder clasps, in Steve’s case even a hug, and a very pointed ‘I told you so’ look from Bucky. After those first respectful days the team quickly descended into teasing them, but James and Tony took everything with a smile.
As it turned out they were in fact not able to predict where the portal would show up next nor could they force it to open up again, like Tony and Bruce had hoped. So they couldn’t decide the time for sending Bucky back by themselves but were instead forced to work in a hurry in case the portal showed up again any time soon.
It meant they had to rush Bucky through everything they deemed important. They gave him pointers for all the important dates, not only during the war, but also after. Bucky took them all and promised to try and prevent as many of them as he could. They also squeezed in some combat training, since Bucky wasn’t so good at hand-to-hand combat yet, and he took to the lessons eagerly.
Tony hit him up with as many weapons as he could, though he made Bucky promise not to show any of them to Howard, if he could help it. Bucky promised, admitting that he always thought of Howard as kind of a dick, which James confirmed.
They prepared Bucky as best as they could, while also managing some down time where they all just sat down and enjoyed a movie or two. The portal didn’t show up for another week but when it finally did, they felt ready.
When they arrived at the sight, no Hydra agents were coming through and Bruce and Tony send in the camera they specifically built for this occasion. They had feared that maybe dimension hopping would kill the signal, but after a bit of snow on the screen they got a razor-sharp picture.
Bucky seemed to recognize the town they saw immediately. “That’s Azzano. I was captured there. I can find my way back home from here.” He sounded confident enough that Steve didn’t fuss too much about letting him go back. He did voice his worry that Bucky could be captured again, but when Bucky just pointedly looked at the bag full of weapons, he shut up.
They all hugged Bucky before he went off, and Steve lingered a bit longer than the rest. “Be careful out there,” he told him right before Bucky was about to go through the portal and Bucky saluted him. “Whatever you say, Captain.”
He didn’t wait for a response and vanished into the portal without a look back. James was positive that he would find his way back to Steve and the camp but he couldn’t deny that he was a little bit worried, despite all the precautionary measures they took.
Tony was holding his hand and squeezing it lightly, trying to give him some reassurance that James gladly took.
When the portal closed again they lingered, unwilling to go and really leave Bucky behind but eventually Clint clasped his hands. “I feel like take out and a movie.”
His suggestion was met with a lot of enthusiasm and so they made their way back to the Quinjet. James knew that he would probably worry about Bucky for the rest of his life, he would always wonder if he did manage to change a few things, but he was also sure that the team would be right there with him.
When he curled up on the couch, half laying on top of Tony and his legs thrown over Steve’s lap, surrounded by Natasha and Clint’s bickering, Thor’s joyful laugh and Bruce’s fond expression, he knew that he was finally home.