Chapter Text
Hoseok hadn't been sleeping well the past month. He wasn't sure Yoongi or Taehyung had noticed, as he tended to used the excuse that he wasn't tired yet but he'd join them later once they were asleep. Or on the nights where he went to bed with them but still couldn't make himself drop off, they slept deeply enough that he could get up again without disturbing them. Night walks were starting to become a habit. If you asked him exactly why he couldn't sleep, it would be hard to pinpoint just one thing.
It felt silly that he was letting a few comments get to him so badly, but the dance critic at his latest performance a couple of months ago had hit the nail perfectly on the head with all the things he was insecure about, and before he knew it he'd spiralled down into critiquing every little thing he was doing and every movement felt like he could be doing it better, more precisely, if he could just be better. And some time even more recently the negative mindset he'd got himself stuck in had started to creep its way into other aspects of his life. Ways he could be a better boyfriend, a better friend, ways he could look better, ways he might be letting his students down. He had a lot on his mind and it was so exhausting, but somehow he couldn't sleep.
Tonight was one of the nights when he tried, but when it reached three in the morning he resigned himself to the fact it wouldn't be happening any time soon and carefully made his way out of bed again, navigating the bedroom in the pitch dark in a way that was rapidly becoming second nature. He did what he usually did on the days where the weather was too miserable to go for a walk, which was switching on the TV at a low enough volume so as not to bother the other two, and lie in front of it without particularly watching. It was hard to pay attention to watching something when every part of his body was screamingly tired, but he just couldn't shut down.
There was nothing specific that was different tonight than any of the others, other than that day had felt especially draining for no reason in particular. Hoseok had always hated how easily he cried: when he was happy, sad, frustrated, scared, proud- you name it. But hating it never stopped him feeling any less overwhelmed by his own emotions, especially lately since he was already feeling so much. He couldn't even pinpoint what he was feeling as he lay on the couch in their empty living room, except that there was so much of it. He was just sad and tired and frustrated with himself for feeling this way and for being so goddamn inadequate, and when the first, all too familiar sting of tears prickled in the back of his eyes he wasn't even surprised.
Hoseok wished he was above crying alone in the darkness of his living room at an hour that was closer to morning than evening, so it only made him feel more pathetic that he couldn't stop the tears from coming.
Because he was an adult, he had a stable job, the best friends he could ever have hoped for, and two boyfriends who were so much better than he deserved. So he shouldn't be breaking down like this, but he was, he felt so lost and hopeless and in a way it was a relief to let it out because he'd been bottling it up, smiling and pretending like everything was fine for the sake of the other people in his life. Even now, as he gave up fighting the emotions that had found their way out of his body, he still forced himself to breathe carefully- swallowing up the shaking sobs that would make too much noise for comfort. It wasn't likely Yoongi or Taehyung would hear them anyway, but risking them seeing him like this was the last thing he wanted. They didn't need to feel like they needed to deal with Hoseok's baggage themselves, nor worry about him as he knew they would.
There was also a part of him that didn't want to hear the sounds of his breakdown echoing back through his own ears over the dull background of 4am programming, in the otherwise silent living room.
He let himself cry, only controlling the shakiness of his breaths when they got too much, until he didn't know how long it had been. But eventually the pressure started to wear off- that intensely overwhelmed feeling creeping back to whatever crevice of his mind it had come from, enough that he could breathe easily again without the risk of choking on his own emotions. He started to get a grip on himself again, finally wiping his cheeks and his nose with the cuff of his sleeve. He switched the TV off, because its constant, meaningless noise was bothering him.
Suddenly sleeping felt so easy. In fact, it was a struggle to keep his eyes open now- maybe his body had exhausted itself all in that one burst of emotion- but he managed to stand up off the couch and make his way groggily back towards the bedroom, certain he'd be asleep the second his head touched the pillow.
Yet for some unknowable reason, Hoseok had thought that while tired to the bone and post-crying he'd be able to navigate the minefield of their pitch dark bedroom just as easily as when his mind was painfully awake. This lapse in judgement was quickly proven right, when his foot hit something that came down with a thud, and he swore just as loudly at the pain of a stubbed toe. "Fuck!" The sudden, strong pain jolted him out of his sleepy haze just a little.
From the bed there was a groan and a sleepy, "what was that?"
He decided not answering would be the best way to avoid confrontation, hoping Yoongi would just assume he'd imagined it, until the elder switched on the nearest lamp to squint across the room for what had happened. In his sleep Taehyung stirred and moaned in protest, turning so that his face was hidden from the onslaught of light.
"Hobi why are you up?" Yoongi's voice was low and sleepy.
Hoseok didn't want to answer, but he didn't see how he could avoid it. "Couldn't sleep." He crouched down to pick up the book that he'd knocked off the pile, which had been growing on a chair for a while now.
Yoongi propped himself up on one elbow, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes so he could better look at Hoseok, while the other tried his best to avoid his boyfriend's gaze entirely. "What time is it?"
Hoseok continued where he'd been previously interrupted in his walk to the bed now that there was more light to see with. He sat down on the side opposite to Yoongi, Taehyung between them. He was tired to the bone, and finally felt like the noise in his head had dimmed enough that he could fall asleep. "Four."
Yoongi narrowed his eyes at him across the bed as Hoseok lifted the covers to get under them, hoping that the dim lamp they had on wouldn't be enough for Yoongi to see the red around his eyes. "Have you been crying Seok?" Apparently it was. Taehyung stirred again, and let out another unhappy noise when Yoongi spoke over him, but he was probably still not awake enough to process the words being said.
His first instinct was to deny it- not least to soothe the confused concern out of his boyfriend's voice- but now he felt like it was pointless. He hadn't wanted to let them see signs of his feelings but he was tired and passed the point of caring whether it made him selfish or weak to crave their reassurances. He just wanted things to feel a little less suffocating.
"Kind of," he half admitted, and because he knew that in itself would be enough to have Yoongi overflowing with concern. "Can we do this in the morning Yoongs? I really want to sleep."
He turned more to look directly at the other man, since there was no point hiding it anyway now, and saw Yoongi looking clearly conflicted. "Seok why the fuck have you been crying, what's happened?"
"Nothing's happened," he assured, sure that the his words sounded as heavy as his eyelids currently felt. "Talk in the morning, please."
Before Yoongi had chance to reply, Hoseok had already given in to the overwhelming will to sleep.
When Hoseok woke up the first thing he was aware of was the stifling warmth surrounding his body, and whatever part of his brain had managed to get itself to work already, processed that a solution to that would be kicking off the covers; which he did.
"Hobi?" Taehyung's voice came from far too close to his ear, which Hoseok now realised explained the excess heat. Taehyung cuddling either him or Yoongi wasn't uncommon, so Hoseok was just about to open an eye to say good morning before he remembered all at once what had happened the night before; the state he'd been in, Yoongi waking up, and the fact that right now his eyes were probably as red and puffy as they could be.
Sue him for taking the coward's way out, but he didn't want to deal with the confrontation that he was almost certain was going to come. So he didn't open his eyes, nor make any other sign that he was awake, and hoped Taehyung would just think the action had been done in his sleep. If he was lucky, maybe he really would fall back asleep. Avoiding the consequences of his own actions for as long as possible was a very tempting idea, and in the sharper perspective of the morning Hoseok could only feel regret that he'd let his stupid emotions get the better of him. And maybe a little embarrassment too.
He'd barely been pretending for thirty seconds when Taehyung poked his arm gently, repeating, "Hobi? You awake?" He carefully kept his breathing light and steady. "We called up your piano guy for you," Taehyung was speaking softly, conscious of how close he was to Hoseok's ear. "Told him you got sick and couldn't make it, he rescheduled to next week."
All of a sudden Hoseok remembered what hadn't crossed his mind since midnight the previous day when he'd set his alarm for 8am. He'd booked a rehearsal with a pianist for nine that day. Immediately he was breaking his act before he'd even thought about it. "Shit, no," his voice cracked, weak after hours of disuse, before he made some attempt to escape from Taehyung's arms, because even in his groggy newly-awake mind he knew he needed that rehearsal because there was so much still not perfect with his routine. And as his eyes fell on the clock that read almost midday he felt not only the disappointment on realising he'd missed it, but also the guilt at the knowledge he'd fucked something else up too thanks to his little midnight breakdown.
"Nope," Taehyung denied his escape easily, tightening his arms around Hoseok's midriff and refusing to let him get as far out of bed as he'd have liked. Instead they just ended awkwardly sat, with Hoseok sat up on the edge of the bed and Taehyung still persistently attached to his waist. "You're not going anywhere."
A few seconds passed of Hoseok trying to calculate the best way to escape his boyfriend's loving grasp- partially to avoid the conversation he was sure was coming and partially because he really wanted to wash his face with cold water, because the puffy feeling around his eyes wasn't the most pleasant.
"I thought it sounded like he was awake."
At the sound of a second voice from the bedroom doorway, Hoseok all but accepted he was surrounded. One look at Yoongi leaning on the doorframe confirmed everything he'd suspected was about to happen, in the quietly serious tone of his voice and the expression that was seen most often aimed at Taehyung, Jimin or Jungkook, of caring concern.
Hoseok sighed, before putting on a half amused smile. "Can I at least wash my face and take a piss before you cross-examine me?"
Yoongi considered the request for a moment, probably trying to see if Hoseok was looking to find a way out, before nodding. "Sure. But you know if you don't come back from the bathroom, you can't avoid us forever, right?" He wasn't smiling, but Hoseok was sure he could pick up on a trace of wry humour in there too. Taehyung nodded against his back, before releasing his grasp on Hoseok's midriff. His skin felt suddenly cold without his boyfriend's body heat pressed against it, but he jumped at the chance to go and sort himself out so that he felt, at least physically, a little more put together.
Surprisingly he didn't spend more than a minute staring himself down in the mirror once he'd splashed considerable amounts of cold water on his eyes. He didn't want to have this conversation if he could help it, but Yoongi was right that he couldn't avoid them for even more than a day. So with an air of reluctant surrender, he did as he'd promised and returned to the bedroom.
Now Yoongi was sitting beside Taehyung on the bed, and it felt a lot like walking into an interrogation. Even if, the second he was on the bed one interrogator's head was on his shoulder, and the other took Hoseok's hand into his lap, after threading his fingers through his own. Yoongi's warmer, paler hand in his own was what he chose to keep his eyes fixed on until the eldest of his boyfriends finally addressed the matter at hand.
"So, do you want to talk about what happened to make you cry at four in the morning?"
The thing about Yoongi was that he had a particular way of asking things, when he cared. There was never a hint of accusation in it, even when it was clear he was concerned, and he never made it sound like he was pushing you for a response. But at the same time, he absolutely wouldn't take silence for an answer.
"I told you already, nothing happened." He replied honestly.
He looked at Yoongi's face to see his reaction and wasn't surprised to see him sigh. "Okay, we'll start then. Me and Taehyung talked about it once we woke up, and you've not been sleeping much recently, have you? You've been saying you'd go to bed later than us quite a lot recently. Later than me, even."
Hoseok had a feeling he was holding up a failing defence, but that didn't stop him from trying. "You go to sleep late all the time though. Why's it a bad thing when I do it?"
Yoongi looked like he was trying not to roll his eyes. "Because I sleep it off during the day," he said, at the same time as Taehyung said "it is a bad thing when he does it too." They exchanged looks for a second, Yoongi raising his eyebrows as if to say 'that's not helping', but Taehyung held his ground until Yoongi sighed. "Whatever, this isn't about me it's about you Seok. And you avoided answering the question."
It took a long moment for Hoseok to accept he had no way out of this before he relented. "I guess not. For about a month or two?" He said it like a question, not because he didn't know, but because he didn't want to give a firm answer.
They both frowned at that. "And you never mentioned it?" Taehyung sounded saddened and Hoseok hated having been the one to make his boyfriend sound like that.
He shrugged. "It's not like you could do anything about it. So I didn't want to worry you both with it."
"Hoseok, we just want to know if you're not feeling great. You didn't have to hide it from us," Taehyung was pouting and it did nothing for the guilt Hoseok was already feeling.
"Are you stressed about this show you've got soon, is that it?" Yoongi asked.
"I'm stressed about a lot of things," Hoseok replied before he could tell himself not to. Part of him was getting tired of pretending nothing was wrong, but the other part was telling him they didn't need to deal with his shit, so he shouldn't bother them with it.
They looked taken aback by that response, both looking like they didn't quite know what to say to that. Eventually Yoongi found something. "Why haven't you told us Seok?"
He shrugged again, replying quietly as the excuse now started to sound weak even to him. "Didn't want to make you worry about me. Didn't want to bother you."
But even though he was expecting it, the tears beginning to build behind his eyes still made him feel weak as he blinked faster to stop them from spilling. Taehyung letting out an almost hurt whine didn't help matters.
"Hobi," he said it like a plea, but Hoseok wasn't sure what for. But Taehyung's eyes were round and sad, and Hoseok did his best to just try and keep his emotions below surface level as Taehyung somehow managed to cuddle even closer into him, as if he wanted to keep him there, protected from all the negativity by his comfort.
"Sorry," was all he could think to say, partly because the guilt that he'd been expecting had firmly set in, and partly because if he tried to get out more than one word he knew his voice would break.
"Don't want you to be sorry Seok, we just want you to talk to us. We care about you, that's all." He felt Taehyung nod his agreement to the statement, and that was the moment he couldn't keep it back anymore, as the first tear spilled onto his cheek.
"I just feel so overwhelmed by everything right now," he admitted quietly, but he knew that both of their attentions were entirely on him. "I'm not good enough and there's so much I need to be good at, and I can't handle feeling like this."
He was expecting their immediate responses to be denial- an instant 'no you're perfect, don't feel like that'- and was silently dreading it, because he knew his boyfriends would say almost anything to make him feel better about himself. But he knew that in himself, he'd feel guilty that despite their efforts he wouldn't believe it that easily.
So it was a relief when neither of them jumped to that defence, instead there was a moment of silence before Taehyung spoke, his breath still ghosting over Hoseok's collarbone, "thanks for telling us. We just want to be here for you, you know?" He said simply, while Yoongi squeezed his hand a little tighter.
While he did feel a little guilty for letting them see past his wall, and for having worried them in the first place, Hoseok couldn't deny he already felt a little less suffocated by his own thoughts after having shared them. There was still a steady stream of tears coming from his eyes, but they were nothing to rival his sobs from the night before, and he reached up his free hand to wipe his face clean again.
"I know. You guys are so good to me. I love you so much," he added, because this was one of those times when he was reminded of how lucky he was to be loved by the two of them.
Yoongi hummed in assent. "We are pretty great," he agreed, and just like that the heavy, serious atmosphere got lighter. Taehyung laughed at that, his body vibrating with amusement against Hoseok's side, and suddenly everything felt a little less impossible to bear, with the two of them there for him too.