Chapter Text
The story sounded much worse coming from Arthur's point of view. Merlin could only assume it was because Arthur was the one who actually had the recurring nightmares and the panic attacks for months as a child, because he feared being institutionalized more than most people feared to swim, or feared natural disasters, death, spiders, etc. It sounded much worse. Because Arthur would rather welcome any other death over being institutionalized by the sounds of it. And as much as Arthur loved Uther, he equally feared him finding out about his condition. It explained why Arthur never wanted to share. He was afraid -- he feared -- and those two things took precedent over any level of trust. Especially when you felt like you were placing your own life on the line by sharing. It was the only thing that Arthur felt he had some control over. And Merlin understood the meaning of fear bacause he himself made a lot of irrational decisions and was outright cruel himself due to not wanting to experience those said fears. The past six months hold nothing, in comparison to the years preceding it. Just because he started to change over the past six months because he felt his emotions again doesn't change that fact. No, it doesn't take away or excuse him from those facts. The damage was done and some of it looks irrevocable.
It took a while to get Arthur to calm down after sharing. He had to get his breathing back under control, and he had to stop crying. Once Merlin was finally able to get Arthur to calm down he sent him away to wash up, to calm his nerves, before -- they ended right back where they started facing each other on the couch.
“Thank you,” Merlin said with all sincerity.
“For what?” Arthur asked, with a raised brow, tone hoarse.
“For telling me the truth.”
Arthur shook his head while running both of his hands through his head. “I'm sorry. I kept that to myself for so long. If it weren't a secret I would have told you a long time ago” And Arthur knows that as the truth. He rarely kept anything from Merlin in all of their time as friends. “But you were right. You had every right to know the truth --”
Merlin felt like an arse for his part in pushing in getting that said truth. He told Arthur his truth as a means to keep him. It wasn't because he decided to tell him or that he was ever going to tell him. There was no honor in his choice. Nothing noble about it. And if he could have gotten around not telling him and still keeping Arthur -- with a better explanation aside from his past, he probably would have. Even if he would like to say otherwise to make himself feel better. It was due to his psychotherapy and Arthur helping him to open up that allowed him to be more open now. And he still did not like to relinquish control which meant he still had his own problem with trusting. But he pushed Arthur anyway to tell him the truth. To make Arthur tell him what he needed to know. He had his reasons. It didn't make him feel any better about it though.
“-- And I'm sorry,” Arthur continued, unaware of Merlin's inner conflict, but needing to get everything out, “I shouldn't have hurt you the way that I did. It was the only way that I could have thought of to do it, and it was the last thing that I ever wanted to do, but I hurt you anyway.” He's had six months to think about the way that it ended. He may have needed to send Merlin away because he didn't see another alternative for himself, but it didn't mean that he didn't regret how he did it any less, nor did it mean that he was happy about having to hurt Merlin to accomplish it. It meant that he had no other way with no other options -- because he saw the walls closing in on him without control of stopping it -- and it was the only way that Merlin would have allowed him to send him away. And as he learned from Dr. Alator, his actions were done out of fear.
“Yes, you did,” Merlin responded because there was no way around that one. He was hurt by the breakup.
“I should have thought of a better way.” Arthur said, while nodding. Even if there was a better way he didn't see one at the time. The only thing that he saw was not wanting to put Merlin through what was coming next, him getting worse, his father coming closer than before in seeing the truth of his condition, and being institutionalized. He saw no open doors from any directions as the walls continued to close in around him.
“The truth would have been nice.” Merlin found himself saying.
“Merlin, you wouldn't have --” Arthur tried before Merlin interrupted.
“You didn't give me the chance to find out, Arthur. You didn't give me the chance. Just like you didn't give me a chance when you decided not to tell me that you loved me. Just like you decided not to give me the chance by telling me the truth.” Merlin held up a hand to stop Arthur from speaking. “I know that you apologized to me for not telling me your feelings, but the break up Arthur?” Merlin tugged at his hair and sighed tiredly. “I know that you didn't think I would have understood and honestly, I never really gave you any reason to think that I would over that past month by not listening to you when you tried to talk to me. I know that I was too -- wrapped up in my own fears at the time. Too wrapped up in my fear of losing you, my own selfishness in not wanting to lose you, and then there was my jealousy of seeing you with Mordred --” And that was not a name that Merlin wanted to bring up at the moment so he continued. “-- But, at the end, I was trying. I was trying to support you, trying to be there, and you sent me away. You didn't give me a chance--” It may have been too late for Arthur to trust that he would be open to hear considering the fact that he wasn't there to hear Arthur for a very long time and he wasn't paying attention during their month together, but Arthur wasn't exactly open to speak to him at the very end either. Nor was he open to speak to him about the things that was bothering him before his nervous breakdown. Regardless of the validity of the reasons behind Arthur's choices, they had a huge problem with communication, and he himself was not exempt.
“I was trying to protect you, Merlin --” Arthur tried to say, while running a hand through his hair, before Merlin interrupted him preventing him from speaking what he needed to say.
And this part, Merlin couldn't let go because it was becoming a pattern that he could see behind Arthur's reasoning. And as much as he would like to feel safe and protected by Arthur... if safe and protected meant that he wouldn't be able to know what was going on in Arthur's life... If it meant that Arthur would have to think that he needed to pick up and leave to protect him -- by leaving him -- than they would have to find another way because those things were no longer going to be an option for them if safe and protected meant that. Not while Arthur was so clearly suffering while trying to accomplish it. Not while it made it so easy for himself to turn a blind eye to it to allow it to happen. Because this wasn't something that just happened during their month together, this was something that's been happening for years. If Merlin had to guess he would have to guess for seven years. And yes, Merlin realizes this is partially his fault too. Their entire situation is forcing him to put things into perspective. Especially since he's had a whole six months to think about what the hell happened, while learning that he wasn't very open to seeing Arthur at all over the years. That he basically missed a chunk of Arthur's life. You learn, you see, and eventually... you want to correct. If you can that is. If time allows you the opportunity to make corrections. And there is the struggle because he knows that it is hard to see Arthur in it when he is so clearly thinking about how everything is affecting himself. Merlin sighed inwardly. “But I didn't ask for your protection, Arthur. I never asked for it and it wasn't your decision to take away from me. I deserved to know the truth. Especially if it in someway affected me.”
Arthur swallowed tiredly. He was drained. But his apology was sincere. “I'm sorry.” It was the only thing that he could say. Merlin was right. Even Dr. Alator said the same thing -- in so many words -- and he's had time to think about the things that may or may not have been his fault in all of this. And there was no doubt about this one. He should have told Merlin. Even though he couldn't deny his own reasons for why he didn't because those feelings weren't going to change. He still wouldn't want Merlin anywhere around him if his father found out. He still wouldn't want Merlin anywhere around him once he did what he knew was going to have to come next. Those feelings still stayed the same. Even if Merlin didn't want to see that.
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“It was my fault,” Arthur said, guilt-ridden, while nibbling at his bottom lip.
Merlin looked at Arthur in disbelief. He told Arthur everything! Everything about his entire discussion with Morgana, and about why he needed Arthur to tell him the truth on his own, and that -- that! -- was the response that he got! Merlin clenched his jaw. “How can Morgana manipulating you, getting you diagnosed with one condition -- without focusing on any of the others, lying to everyone, while making me take the fall be -- your fault?”
Arthur took a deep breath. “It is my fault, because she did it for me. She didn't know what my condition was at the time. She couldn't have. Neither of us knew. All she saw was me falling apart over my love for you. I didn't realize how severe my fears were, and all she saw was me -- her brother -- getting worse. If it weren't for me not wanting to tell you about my love for you, or about my depression, none of this would have happened and as a result, because of me, you were blamed for it.”
“It was her decision, Arthur --” Merlin chided, before being interrupted.
“She made a mistake,” Arthur said in Morgana's defense, “she did what she thought she had to do, but she did it for me. If I was honest with you in the first place... none of this would have happened --”
“And you don't think she is responsible for any of this?” Merlin asked incredulously.
“I think she made mistakes. We all did. And I definitely dislike what she did to you if she actually attempted to make you take the fall for all of this deliberately. Even though I don't think she did because again, she had no way of knowing how severely my past was beginning to affect my present when I didn't know it myself to tell her. She reminded me of the reason why we had our pact in the first place. And how can I blame her for manipulating me when she was only trying to get me the help. She wouldn't have wanted anything bad to happen to me --”
“She was about to let you die, Arthur! --”
“And that would have been my choice, and my choice alone.” Arthur said firmly. Because he knew what he was about to do on his own.
“It would not be your choice and your choice alone!” Merlin countered as his expression darkened. He was starting to understand why Arthur had no problem taking the blame for everything in order to keep the peace for all else concerned. He maybe accepting his own blame, as he's done before, but he was also attempting to exonerate everyone else in the process.
“Merlin --” Arthur pleaded.
“No, Arthur, don't even try to plead because I don't think you understand that what you do affects me too whether you like it or not. Do you realize what you would have done to me if you killed yourself? Do you have any idea of how that would have felt to me? Do you think that the money you left me would have made it all better without you there to enjoy it with? --”
“Merlin --” Arthur tried again before Merlin spoke over him.
“Do you know what I've been through during these past several months without you? Not knowing how you were doing, how you were coping, and wondering why in the hell that you broke up with me. Do you know?” Merlin asked, but didn't give Arthur a chance to answer the question as he continued. “I felt like my life was over that's how I felt. I felt like I not only lost the love of my life, but my best friend. I hated you at first.” Arthur flinched again at being reminded of Merlin's earlier words. “Just like I am sure that you wanted me to after your break up speech and it worked. I hated you because there is definitely a thin line between love and hate. I didn't leave the flat for a while and when I did, it was just for my psychotherapy sessions again. Will practically moved in for a while to make sure that I didn't fall into a depression.” Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “It took me a few months but I started to work again and I started to date. And no, you don't get to make me feel bad for dating or for having sex because you dumped me, but it took me months to get back out again, and I was still worried about you. You never left my thoughts, you never left my heart.” Merlin's voice cracked on the second half of that last sentence. “You cut off all communication from me and yes, I know why you did it now, but I didn't know why you did it then. You broke up with me in the cruelest way imaginable just because you were trying to push me away because you couldn't risk sharing your family secret, and you couldn't risk what my response was going to be once you told me. Because you knew that I would have forced you to stand up to your father, and to get the help. Because you didn't trust that I would be there to protect you from your father --”
“That is not true –“ Arthur tried, before Merlin cut him off again.
“My reasons for you not telling may not be true, but you chose not to tell me because you knew that I would have forced you to get help and the only way around it would have been for you not to tell me the truth, and you chose to hold onto that family pact instead of telling me the truth. And yes, you did put me first -- in your own way -- but you also put me second too because you tried to accomplish everything while still holding on to that secret. And you did all of that while not believing that you were going to survive through this -- thing -- anyway. You thought your father was going to find out so you wanted me out of the way not to hurt me. You thought by the time your father found out I would have moved on with my life and the blow up wouldn't have been as severe. You made a decision for me because somewhere in that thick skull of yours you thought what you were doing was best for all that was concerned and you thought wrong.
Arthur listened as the tears started to roll down his face again. His chest had started tightening again. It was all his fault. His actions. And his fears. Hurting Merlin. Everything. It would be better if he wasn't there. “I'm sorry,” he choked out.
“Don't be sorry, be better,” Merlin said in all seriousness. “We both have a huge communication problem when it comes down to sharing our feelings. The feelings that matter that is. And we choose to make decisions for each other that we think are the best ones when in fact we have no clue if that's the case. You didn't tell me that you were in love with me, you failed to tell me about your aunt, your father, and your fear of being institutionalized. And don't let me get started because I am certain that there are other things like deciding to leave me an inheritance of money behind to have for the rest of my life.”
“Merlin,” Arthur called out while rubbing his temples, “why are you here? I thought--” Arthur swallowed. He couldn't take much more. He had everything planned out for what he was going to do next! “I thought -- you moved on, had a relationship, and was -- happy. Why are you in New York? Are you here for some kind of -- closure?”
“Arthur,” Merlin sighed heavily, because this is what he was afraid of, “your sister and Gwaine lied to you when they told you that I moved on --”
Arthur wasn't following. “But you were moving on, Merlin --”
“No,” Merlin said while shaking his head. “No I wasn't Arthur. I was trying to move on, but the only thing that I could think about was you. I knew that you were lying to me about your reasons for dumping me and I knew that you were still in love with me. The only thing that I didn't know was the truth, and I couldn't move on because I never stopped loving you.”
Arthur's heart skipped a beat. It was the first time that Merlin said he loved him in the present tense. “But you--”
“I coped Arthur! Yes, I had relationships.” He was not about to say that he just ended one. “I don't like being alone for long and the lot encouraged me to date because they didn't want me to grow into a depression. They said something about watching a previous friend fall into a depression, and not, wanting to see a repeat of that.”
Arthur had the good grace to look sheepish before going back to his original question. “But I don't understand. Why --”
“I came here to take you back to London. To get you the help.” Merlin said, finally laying his cards out on the table.
Arthur's eyes widened. “I don't understand. I am getting help. I had Dr. Nimueh and now I'm seeing Dr. Alator. They are working on everything--” Arthur trailed off when Merlin started to shake his head.
“Arthur their entire focus is on your relationship with me. And granted, some of your condition is based on your unrequited love, there's no arguing the seven years and the fact that the depression started from that -- of this, we are all in agreement -- but you had other things that prompted from that as well and that's what triggered those same fears of yours in regards to your father finding out about your illness, and your fear of being institutionalized.” And Merlin didn't know that there was a fear of being institutionalized, on record, but did research and found that it really was a condition. A fear. “Morgana should have told your doctor's the truth originally. They would have questioned her if they didn't question you about any relatives living or dead with a history of mental illness. They would have asked about any fears -- anything -- to be able to evaluate your condition properly. Perhaps if she had told the truth at the time, you would have completed your treatment already.”
“I told you she didn't know that it was a problem as severe Merlin. There was no way for either of us to know --”
“The information would have made the difference in having you properly diagnosed Arthur. Your diagnosis was based on me based on what she put into your head. She tried to keep me away from you. She stated that I was pushing against your recovery --”
“You were Merlin!” Arthur had to say. He couldn't think about what Merlin was trying to say about his own sister but of this, he could speak what he did know. “You were both trying to push, but for different reasons. She was pushing for me to focus on getting better and you were pushing for our relationship --”
Merlin's hands balled into fists. “But she continued to say that I was standing in the way, and she didn't tell me what was at stake --”
“You knew enough, Merlin.” Because it was true. “I told you that I was a mess in my own head. That I was suffering from depression. I told you that I had an eating disorder. And I told you about my suicidal thoughts, and that I had to go away to get help. And on top of that, I just had a nervous breakdown. What part of what I told you didn't constitute as me needing serious help?” Arthur held a hand up to stop Merlin from speaking. “And yes, I was wrong for not telling you the entire truth. Perhaps my diagnosis would have been different, but it still didn't replace the fact that I told you what was wrong with me, and you still accused her anyway of taking me away from you when you knew exactly what was wrong with me! --”
Merlin couldn't even answer that question because Arthur was right. There was nothing about that statement that was wrong. He knew full well that he ignored everything that Arthur tried to tell him repeatedly to focus on their relationship. He knew that he pushed, and pushed against Arthur's treatment for his recovery instead of allowing Arthur to get the help like he was prescribed to get. He knew now that things could have been different if he was actually a friend like he was supposed to be too. Instead of trying to push Arthur because he now understood what his feelings were. He maybe wrong, but he wasn't about to admit that, he still wasn't finished with Morgana, and Arthur was being an idiot whether he was right or wrong. “She continued to say all of those negative things about me --”
Arthur huffed, because he's heard things from both sides. “You were saying all of those negative things about her too, Merlin. You continued to blame her for taking me away from you --”
“She was worse in her slander, Arthur --”
“What are you twelve, Merlin?” Arthur asked incredulously. “It's not about who's slander was worse, or who had the bigger bite when you were both doing the same thing to each other, and you both were wrong. It didn't matter if she had more to say than you or if you had more to say than her.”
Merlin couldn't believe his ears. “Do you realize that she's been manipulating your thoughts and feelings this entire time?”
Arthur didn't want to address that. Not now. He had too much in his mind to deal with as is. “What was she supposed to do? She was trying to get me to move on, Merlin. She saw me going deeper into a depression and not giving up. She was trying to remind me of why I should when I wasn't giving up. But not before she tried to encourage me to tell you about my feelings. She tried, but she was afraid that I wasn't going to get better, and she was afraid of our father finding out. And the things she said, weren't things that was a secret. You didn't show any feelings for me aside from friendship. You were involved in relationships. You did accept other advances with little or no signs at all. And it wasn't looking like you cared for me as you continued to ignore all of my advances. Some of the things she said was some of the same things you've said about yourself. She needed me to see that there was little hope that you would have returned my feelings. In order for me to move on. And yes,” Arthur had to say, now that he was forced to think about it. “She may have highlighted those things, repeated those facts, but not before, she continued to tell me to tell you my feelings or to move on.” But that doesn't mean that his own sister was manipulating him, Arthur added in thought for himself. She wouldn't want to hurt him.
Merlin had to remind himself that most people -- especially someone like Arthur who thinks he has complete control of that side of himself -- who have been manipulated, rarely realized that they were. Not the real, subtle, manipulation. And especially not while you are suffering a severe depression with your thoughts going all over the place. And most importantly, not when you are being manipulating by your own sister! Merlin groaned inwardly because Arthur would rather blame himself than blame Morgana for any of this. If anyone he would sacrifice it would be himself, if only to not change anyone perception of his sister. Because that's how close they were. That, and the fact that Morgana had been nothing but, supportive to him this entire time. She was the only one, who was supportive to Arthur this entire time and was able to see that there was a problem that needed supporting to begin with. And she didn't even live with him. It was something, Merlin couldn't deny, even if he wanted to, even though he wouldn't say that out loud. At least, not right now. But he couldn't judge Arthur because Arthur hasn't had the proper treatment, and he's been suffering from a severe depression for over two years now. Their mindsets would be completely different. His, solely focused on Arthur because his emotions were unblocked and he wanted to be with Arthur now, verses not wanting to be with him before to protect their friendship. And Arthur, after seven years of hurt, all over the place because he couldn't see past all of his circumstances and he wanted their love to be real. Merlin could see that. Even if he was angry with Arthur for not seeing the truth.
“Oh no.” Arthur said with worry as he rested the back of his head on the back of the couch.
“What?” Merlin asked curiously.
“Gwaine, I have to talk to him.” Arthur replied while pressing the bridge of his nose.
“About?”
“To tell him that it's all my fault. He'll blame Morgana for everything because he was already upset that she withheld the truth of our aunt. She didn't tell him how badly I took our aunt's death only focusing on my aunts death, my fear for if my father found out. She didn't think it was important at the time to say anything else, and she didn't think my fears were something that were causing a problem when she discussed those things with Nimueh at the beginning. She couldn't have.” Arthur said in denial of everything that was said. “She wouldn't have done that to me. She knows how much you mean to me” Arthur said while shaking his head. “She wouldn't have done that. I have to tell him not to blame her for this.”
“Arthur --”
“No, Merlin. You don't see. He was -- angry at her. I know that he was. Gwaine is like a brother to me and I could see that he hated that she lied to him. He was upset with me keeping a secret from him too, but he was angry at her for being his wife and keeping it from him. And if you said half of the things that you told me you said he would be angry at her for it.”
And that comment angered Merlin because he could see exactly what Arthur was trying to do. “Arthur, just shut up.”
“Merlin --”
“Shut up, Arthur! Don't think I don't see what you are trying to do.”
“What am I trying to do, Merlin?” Arthur asked tiredly.
“You are trying to make sure that all of the blame for everything falls on you because you don't want anyone else to be blamed and you know that you don't plan to be around for the fallout.”
Arthur's eyes widened in shock in realization of why Merlin was really there.
And Merlin saw the second that Arthur understood. “Yes, Arthur. I know what you plan to do.”
“I don't -- know what you are talking about Merlin.”
“You know exactly what I am talking about. Morgana and Gwaine didn't just allow me over for a visit to tell me the truth. They allowed me over for a visit to tell me that they believe that you were planning on committing suicide, and I am not going to let that happen.”
“Merlin --”
“Arthur, do you think that closing communication from everyone, sending Gwaine and Morgana away, and sending me away will make it any easier for any of us if we lose you?”
“Merlin, I'm not --” Arthur started shaking his head, but Merlin cut him off.
“You're not what, Arthur? You're not planning on committing suicide if your father finds out about your depression?”
Arthur swallowed hard. “It's not what you think?” Arthur tried, it was lame in his own ears. Merlin knew him too well as a friend. He wouldn't be able to lie to him. That was one of the reasons why he sent him away!
Merlin shook his head. “I believe that it is exactly what I think. It's the only reason that makes sense for why you were planning on sending me away. You've been in love with me for seven years, Arthur. Seven years. The only reason why you would give up hope on that love is if you weren't planning on being around to be with me.”
“Merlin --”
“You need help Arthur.”
“What --” Arthur hesitated. Afraid of what Merlin was going to say next. “What kind of help?”
“I've been speaking with Dr. Anhora at the hospital. He is one of the best doctor's in the country in the area of depression. I explained to him your case but of course he didn't want to diagnose or suggest anything without seeing you himself. He wants to arrange for you to have an inpatient --”
“No.” Arthur said immediately upon hearing inpatient and stood up from the couch while backing away from Merlin. “No.” He repeated.
Merlin followed him. “Arthur.” He said gently, afraid he might just spook Arthur from his own penthouse. “You need help.”
Arthur kept shaking his head before he backed himself up against the white wall in the living room. “No.” He started shaking his head vigorously. “I can't.”
“You can't or you won't?” Merlin asked softly, as he reached Arthur and stood in front of him.
“I can't -- I can't.” Arthur repeated. He was visibly shaking.
Merlin placed his hands on either sides of Arthur's shoulders. “Arthur, I will be there for you.”
“I can't Merlin. Please -- please -- don't make -- . You don't under...stand. You don't...know.” Arthur tried while shaking his head.
Merlin swallowed hard. He knew that he was starting to lose Arthur and that he had to start thinking of things to say quickly before Arthur bolted. It was one of the reasons why Merlin did not want to alert Arthur of his arrival. Because Arthur would have had time to think of what to say -- to not be there -- or, to prepare his inner defenses. That, and the fact that he wanted Arthur to tell him the truth on his own. It was it's own test. To see if Arthur would tell him the truth and without, the constant influence of Morgana being around him. It was also a test that reminded him that everyone was right in their assumptions that Arthur would listen to him. That he would give in. And would do as he asked of him to do. But it wouldn't make a bit of difference if he couldn't get Arthur to go to Dr. Anhora, and Arthur really needed the help. Merlin groaned inwardly. “Arthur. You stayed over here because you were giving up. I don't -- want you to give up.”
“But you don't understand, Merlin.” Arthur said while shaking his head. Because he doesn't, and it was exactly what Arthur was afraid of.
Merlin raised his hands from Arthur's shoulders and placed them on Arthur's neck to feel his pulse points to see if he his heart was beating too fast -- it was -- and then he leaned into Arthur to calm him down while still keeping his hands where they were. He kissed Arthur's soft skin below his ear. He felt Arthur shiver. “Arthur, do you love me?”
“Yes.” Arthur answered without the slightest bit of hesitation.
Merlin didn't think he would ever tire of hearing those words. If only he could get Arthur to believe that there was more to live for. He understood the reasons why people wanted to end their lives in statistic form. It wasn't something that was done to hurt loved ones, it was mainly done because the individual felt their life was hopeless. They didn't see an alternative, an end that would be a happy one. They were depressed or unhappy with their lives. And that was just some. He had no right to judge anyone of their choices even if he thought they should consider how badly they would affect those they were leaving behind. But for all Merlin knew, it could have been something considered. It didn't mean that the ones who killed themselves loved their families any less. It would be horrible to say something like that anyway. Especially when he didn't know any better. That's not something that is done to hurt loved ones, even though death seems more severe for those who are left behind. “Do you believe that I love you?” Because Arthur would have to believe that in order for him to trust him.
“Yes.” Arthur said, even though his tone was full of pain.
Merlin kissed Arthur's jaw. He felt another shiver. “Do you trust that I wouldn't leave you in the hospital?”
“Merlin...” Arthur sucked in a breath. “Please --”
“Do you trust me when I say that I wouldn't leave you there, Arthur?” Merlin reasked, as he kissed Arthur on the jaw again.
“I trust you, but I don't trust that my father --”
“Arthur. I will not let anyone stand in the way of your recovery and I will make sure that no one interferes with your leaving but I need for you to trust me. I need your permission and I need your permission for Dr. Anhora to have you admitted --”
“Why don't you hate me?” Arthur asked suddenly. “I sent you away. I hurt you.” Maybe Merlin would leave him in there for revenge. He couldn't say he wouldn't deserve it. But he would have to escalate his timetable. He was quite aware that his thoughts weren't exactly normal, that Merlin wouldn't do anything as horrid as leaving him to rot away forever -- if Merlin had a say -- but he hasn't had much control over that for quite some time.
Merlin shook his head. “You were also influenced Arthur. You were made to believe that you had no other choices. And you've been suffering from a severe depression for the past two years without proper treatment. Not to mention the delaying of your recovery.” Even if that part was Merlin's fault for pushing Arthur even after Arthur told him no, Merlin left unsaid. It didn't need to be said, they both knew what happened. “The protesting of getting treatment originally. I can't judge you for that. Just like you haven't judged me for the things that I have done due to my condition, only for the things that were not. I am upset. I am hurt. But I could never hate anyone that I love so much.”
“I don't understand.” Arthur croaked out. Because he didn't.
“Arthur. I don't think you realize just how much you've done for me over the years. The friend that you've been to me.” Merlin couldn't have asked for a better one. Arthur just needed someone to do for him as Arthur himself has done for everyone else over the years when they needed help. When they came to him, when he saw a need. If Merlin did half of those things, instead of hiding in the sand for so many years... “When I first moved from Ealdor I had no hope of having a better life. I had no reason to believe that I would. You changed that for me. You became my best friend and you gave me more hope, comfort, and security over our time together than I've ever had from anyone else in my entire life. You encouraged me not to give up. You encouraged me to fight. You made me feel like I could do anything, that I could go after my dreams, without limits, and I did. If it weren't for you, I probably would not have believed that I could be a doctor, and a good one at that. You encouraged me to think better of myself. To give Cenred a try. You made me feel special and wanted. Something I probably would have never felt if I hadn't met you. If I only knew you were having some of those same insecurities... I would have been a better friend to you too. I would have given you something else to believe in so you could have given up those idiotic plans of how you wanted your life to end --”
“Merlin --”
“Do you know? How many lives you have affected? Do you know how much the lot loves you? How much even their children does? Do you realize how many things you have done for them over the years? Do you know how devastated their children would be if they found out that their uncle had given up on his life? That he doesn't believe in it anymore?”
“Merlin --” Arthur tried again, he couldn't take it, but Merlin wouldn't relent.
“Do you know that your father has been so worried about you that he's been harrassing Lance and Leon and everyone else at Pendragon trying to find out what's been wrong with you?”
Arthur shook his head. “No.” And Leon never mentioned it when they spoke.
Somehow, learning that did not surprise Merlin. Morgana would have sheltered Arthur from that truth. And she wouldn't have wanted Arthur to worry or to blame himself in any way. She just didn't realize, that in all of her efforts, to protect Arthur, to have him solely focusing on his recovery, she was also feeding into his thoughts that everyone would be okay without him. When the truth was everyone would be anything but. Merlin sighed inwardly. And Arthur thinking that he moved on for all of these months wasn't helping either. It felt like Arthur was really feeling insecure at the moment. And he didn't want to release his plans. No matter how much trust Arthur had, and Merlin could feel it.
He didn't know what he thought about that because he knew it wasn't him. It was so many years of not trusting that his father wouldn't institutionalize him if he found about Arthur falling into depression, and so many years of Morgana not helping him to deal with the feelings of his aunt. In otherwords. The pact -- did not solve the problem, it only added to it. And Merlin did not even want to think about what he did to Arthur over the years himself. It may have been due to his condition -- some of it -- and it may have been due to his fears -- some of it -- and it may have been due to his own selfishness -- some of it -- but it did damage nonetheless. And it affected Arthur. Of this, Merlin was certain. Because if Arthur had fallen in love with anyone else -- anyone else -- his love would have been accepted, and it sure as hell wouldn't have taken seven years for that to happen. Merlin didn't know what to think about that because there would be nothing that he could do to take those seven years back so there was little use to try. The only thing that he could do was get Arthur the help that he needed now to get him better. The right help. Merlin swallowed. “Well your father has. He's been beside himself with worry, and he's been trying to find out what's been wrong with you by nagging anyone who's ever been close to you at Pendragon.”
“You don't understand --” Arthur tried, before Merlin interrupted.
“No, I don't understand. I know about your pact. I don't know the circumstances involving why your aunt was institutionalized, or your great grandmother, and I don't know if what happened was due to the fact that your aunt needed to stay institutionalized, or if she was left there and inspite of what you may know I doubt you know it all either. Not without speaking to your father about it, Arthur.”
“I can't Merlin. You don't understand. He doesn't know that we overheard that conversation and in my current state... If my father were to find out... about my condition --”
“Arthur, calm down. You don't have to think about it now, but you do need to think about it later. There are so many things to live for you and so many people who would be hurt to know if you decided to end your life --”
“They would have been able to move on --”
“No, Arthur. No we wouldn't. And what about Morgana? How do you think she would take it? She's spent the past two years trying to get you better --”
“I am tired, Merlin --” He's was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying to hold it all together, tired of trying to prevent his father from finding out. He was tired of the thoughts going around in his head. Tired of being placed in a hopeless situation.
“You are not tired Arthur, you're giving up. And I've never known you to be a quitter --”
“Merlin! --”
“No. You are a quitter and you don't care about fighting, you don't care about anybody else, you only care about yourself and not wanting to be institutionalized --”
“Merlin --”
“No, Arthur. You are refusing to listen to me. I've told you everybody would be devastated if you went through with your plans. I told you that your father has been worried about you, I told you that Morgana -- your sister! -- would be devastated, I told you what it would do to me, and you would rather follow through with your plans instead of overcoming your fears.” And Merlin knew that it sounded cruel, that fears were handled differently by the fear, by the individual, that no one knows completely what someone else is dealing with inside, but he needed Arthur to fight. He needed Arthur not to give up.
“I don't want to be institutionalized Merlin!” Arthur shouted. Why can't he understand? Why did Morgana tell him everything if he was coming to make me do this? If anyone understands how much he hated that place and why it would be her?! And what about father? If I'm already there I guess all he will have to do is assume guardianship and through away the key! Arthur thought darkly. And Merlin has no way to stop a Pendragon without any weaknesses, if they are dead set at doing something. And father doesn't have any weaknesses. The only reason why Morgana would have broken their pact, to tell Merlin, when she would have never allowed him to, would be for Gwaine. Not to mention she couldn't possibly be at her game being eight months pregnant. That kind of strain from that discussion must have been hard enough on her as it is. But to break the vow, to go against the one thing that they swore to protect each other from -- And for Merlin to know it all, but still force him to go there anyway -- It felt like the ultimate betrayal because he had no way of fighting it, and everyone was fighting against him. All of these thoughts and more went through Arthur's mind as he felt himself being backed up and locked into a corner. He tried to move from his place on the wall, but Merlin grabbed his shoulders and slammed him back into the wall again. The impact was so hard his head bounced off of it and for a moment, Arthur thought he saw stars. The pain that shot through would concern him if it weren't for the fact that he couldn't shake the horror of knowing what Merlin was trying to force him to do. He was trying to force him into being locked away -- refusing -- to let him live whatever life he had left in peace.
“And I told you that I wouldn't leave you there Arthur!” Merlin groaned loudly, moving one hand from Arthur's shoulders to tug through his hair roughly. “What was the point Arthur? What was the point of loving me if you weren't even planning on sticking around as soon as the times got rough?”
Arthur's chest tightened. “Merlin,” Arthur tried again, because he didn't ask or plan to fall into a depression. When he fell in love with Merlin he was completely healthy and it wasn't a question on whether or not he was planning on sticking around when things got tough because he would never leave Merlin. But he had no idea that it would take seven years for Merlin to declare his feelings -- after making him feel like he was no one in comparison to all of the other blokes that he dated -- he had no idea that he would have given up before that happened, he had no idea that the constant rejection, and all of the things that happened in between those years would have made him fall into a depression. He had no idea! No one makes a plan for any of that. But of course he couldn't voice any of those feelings because Merlin wasn't giving him a chance to.
“I don't understand. You can beat this Arthur. You are getting better. I know that you can beat this and yet, you are so willing to give up without a fight. You fall into a depression, you see yourself not getting better, and that's it, you've given up. You claim that you love me, but you are so willing to leave me--”
“I do love you, Merlin.” Arthur tried again, he meant that with everything in him. This final decision was not a decision fully based on love. He had to try to think rationally for that decision and love didn't allow for rational thought. Not when that love would allow for you to be locked away in a mental institution like his aunt until the day that she died. He had to plan. He had to arrange everything to protect his estate, the protect the family name, and to have it set for everyone to be able to move on without him. He even had to plan how he wanted to end his own life. Merlin wouldn't be able to see that. And for all he knew Merlin could be throwing him into an institution too to lock him away. Even if Arthur didn't want to believe that. Merlin never said that he wanted anything with him. Just that he was still in love with him. And it wasn't like he just gave up. That would be an understatement. It's been over two years of struggling!
“Then prove it Arthur! Prove it. You said that you love me. You claimed that you that did. You claimed that all you've ever wanted is me, but yet you are so willing to give your life --”
“You don't know what your asking me --” It was equivalent to Merlin asking him to bring the solar system down to earth in his mind. That's how afraid he was of doing what Merlin was asking of him. That was the magnitude of it. Because Merlin was asking the near impossible and that, had nothing to do with love. Love wouldn't be there for you if you were locked away permanently. His aunt found that out for herself.
“I know exactly what I'm asking you, Arthur. I'm asking you to believe in me. I'm asking you to trust me. I'm asking you to think about everyone else instead of yourself and your fears for this one moment. You've done it for as long as I've known you and now, because of your fears, because you are willing to give up on life, you'll willing to put it all aside --”
“That's not true --”
“Then prove it Arthur.” Merlin was getting frustrated. He knew it would be difficult, he knows exactly what it feels like to face his fears, and he knows that he never wanted to. He knows good and well that he's never actually faced his fears on his own too, that his fears were forced upon him, thrown in his face, and never by choice. He's knows exactly what he is asking Arthur, but he couldn't stop asking him now. Especially when he also knows everything that's at stake. Especially when he knew that he couldn't allow Arthur to give up. Not now. Not ever. “Prove it.” Merlin repeated.
“I'm afraid, Merlin.” Maybe if he shared that fact Merlin would let him be. Maybe he was weak, because he was afraid. Because he had a fear, because he suffered from depression, because he wanted to end his life. He supposes he must be selfish, if he wants to end his own life instead of being institutionalized. He supposes that must make him a horrible person to be weak, weak enough to become depressed. To not have control over his life. To have never had control over it it feels at times.
“Then let me protect you this time. You've always been the one who protected me, who watched over me, let me do the same for you.”
“Why?” Arthur was having a hard time following. “Why would you do that when there are no guarantees that I am going to --”
“Arthur. I am not going to give up on you when you have never given up on me. And we don't need guarantees. I think we've both relied on guarantees for long enough. It's time to trust, and I promise you, I will get you help through this, but I need for you to have faith in me to believe that I will get you through.”
Arthur shook his head. “My father, Merlin --”
“Let me worry about that, Arthur. You just do this one thing for me. Let Dr. Anhora take care of you, and I promise you, I will take care of everything else.” Even if he had to swallow his pride to get Morgana to help him. He would do it if it meant that Arthur was able to get the right kind of help. Even if he refused to allow her to take control over Arthur again. But he wasn't foolish enough not to admit that he was out of his depths here in the world of Pendragon, and had no idea if anything they said about Uther fighting to assume guardianship over Arthur would be true when he found out about Arthur. The only thing that he knew is that he was going to fight, and that he was going to get Arthur the help he was supposed to have all along. Arthur never gave up on him. He fought to make sure that he got the help he needed. Merlin would do the same. What kind of person would it make him if he didn't? A horrible one Merlin thought to himself. Especially when his track record has proven that he hasn't been doing anything for anyone else for in quite some time. And he definitely didn't do anything for Arthur. Trying to make it right over the past six months doesn't change that fact. Merlin had to shake himself out of his thoughts. It's nothing he can do about the past. He could only live for now. He was startled by his thoughts as Arthur continued.
“The hospital --”
Merlin nibbled Arthur's bottom lip. He felt Arthur shiver again. He had a moment of possessiveness in wondering if Arthur's body reacted in the same way for Mordred before snapping himself out of it. He had the distinct feeling if Arthur's body did react in that same way, that Arthur would have had more than a hand job with Mordred. He let it go for the moment. Because there was something that Arthur wasn't understanding and he needed to understand. “I love you, Arthur. I will not let anything happen to you, but you have to trust me. You have to believe that I would not do anything to intentionally hurt you. That I will be there for you. You're even going to be in my hospital. I arranged for everything. And that means I will be able to visit you. The lot too. After your evaluation period.” Using the money from the flat account, Merlin mentally added. But now was not the time to share that piece of information. Never, sounded like a better time. “Trust me.”
“Merlin --”
Merlin could feel himself getting more frustrated. He may have dealt with his fears, but he never planned or contemplated suicide. And when he moved to London. He had Arthur. He couldn't begin to think about the thoughts going on in Arthur's head. He was present for Arthur but he wasn't there for him, not if Arthur didn't feel like he could confide in him. “I need for you to trust me, Arthur. Trust me. All I need to hear is a yes from you, and I will take care of the rest.”
Arthur was silent, and Merlin had a feeling that he was losing him again. He had to try another tactic. “Arthur, do you really want to die? Or do you truly just not see that there are no other alternatives for you?”
Arthur sucked in a breath. “You wouldn't understand.” He said while shaking his head.
Merlin placed his hands on either side of Arthur's face to face Arthur head on. “Try me. Try to make me understand.”
That was something Arthur was afraid of. “I'm making the choice that would be taken away from me if I was locked away and I -- can't be locked away.” Arthur wiped the tears that were continuing to fall from his face. “There are no other alternatives when you can be locked away against your will.”
But there was one question Arthur neglected to answer and if Merlin learned anything, it was that Arthur tried his best not to lie to him -- refused to even -- and he wouldn't lie to him unless he felt he had no other choice. He also learned that the things that Arthur would omit normally held the key to what he needed himself to fight Arthur. If he only paid attention. Because if Arthur didn't trust any one right now -- Which was understandable if you didn't trust that your own father wouldn't lock you away the moment he learned of his condition -- He certainly wouldn't want to show any weaknesses to his argument to the one person who could pick it apart. “Arthur, do you really want to die?”
Arthur tried to push himself away from the wall again but Merlin locked his shoulders in place. He sighed. “I don't want to be locked away.” And Arthur could see himself locked away. In a straight jacket, highly medicated, and given shock treatment. He could see days fly by without a single visitor. He could hear the doctors and other patients laughing at him. He could see himself going crazy in his own thoughts. He could see himself being kept under medication so strong that he would never be lucid enough ever again. He could see the doctor's deeming him mentally insane and unable to socialize in the world again. He could see it. He didn't want to experience it.
“You didn't answer my question Arthur.” Merlin replied easily because he was finally getting some hope. He knew there was another way to get Arthur to listen to him, but he didn't think now would be the time for that. And Merlin never thought he would ever say that but he knew that Arthur needed to want to get better for himself too. Having sex with Arthur would not be the best option at the time even if Merlin was certain that it would work. He needed a long-term solution, and not a short-term one. He needed Arthur to want to get better and to want to live. “Do you want to die?” Do you want to leave me? Was an unasked question but it showed in Merlin's face apparently because Arthur's expression softened.
“I don't want to leave you Merlin.” He needed Merlin to know that. “And I don't want to die, but --”
“But what, Arthur? You just said that you didn't want to leave me and you don't want to die. Why would you want to give up? Dr. Anhora is one of the best and he is willing to evaluate and treat you. Yes it is an inpatient treatment,” Merlin left the unsaid fact that Dr. Anhora declared Arthur a flight risk for outpatient treatment if he was still planning his own suicide unsaid. Morgana was right. Some secrets were meant to be kept to protect the ones you loved. Just not, all secrets. “But how can you overcome a fear unless you face it? I promise you that you won't be alone. I promise you that there will be visiting hours and we will get to visit you. I promise that I will protect you from your father.” Even if he needed to contact Gaius. Merlin was going to utilize every resource. Gaius owed him. “And I promise you that you will get out. You will even have your own private wing for the big wigs so no one will know who you are aside from the doctors who are sworn under doctor/patient confidentiality, and the patients who you choose to associate yourself with.” Merlin had no doubt that all he needed was to get Arthur to agree, and into that hospital because once he got Arthur there he knew that Dr. Anhora could do the rest. But he also knew that Arthur had to want it for himself and not solely because it was something that he was asking Arthur to do. He would never get better if Arthur was going to accept the help solely for him.
“You can't guarantee that, Merlin.” Arthur said tiredly, but he knew that he wasn't strong enough to fight Merlin much longer. He was going to end up in that place and that would be the end. His end.
And Merlin so the moment that Arthur was going to close himself off. “Arthur, look at me,” Merlin pleaded, as he took one hand off of Arthur's shoulders to place on Arthur's cheek to turn Arthur's face his way. “What do I have to do to show you that you have everything to live for? What do I have to do to show you that I love you, and that I won't let anything happen to you? What do I have to do to get you to trust me --”
“I do trust you, Merlin --”
“No, no you don't Arthur. Not if you won't take my word for it when I'm telling you that I won't let anything happen to you -- Do you want to be with me, Arthur?”
“That is not a question --”
“It is a question Arthur and it has everything to do with your decision because if you wanted to be with me you wouldn't be choosing to leave me --”
“That's not why --”
“Then prove it. Prove it, Arthur. Prove that you meant everything that you said to me. Prove that you trust me. Prove that you believe that I wouldn't let anything happen to you. Prove that you love me. And prove that you don't want to die. Prove to me that you don't want to give up.”
And Arthur didn't know what to say. Because none of his decisions were based on him not loving Merlin. Merlin meant everything to him, but he thought that Merlin would be happy. That he was moving on with his life, and he knew his own time was running out. And he was telling Merlin the truth. He didn't want to die, but he didn't see himself getting better either, and he knew that his father was getting paronoid in wanting to know what was going on with him. It would only be a matter of time before he found out and now, Merlin was asking him to trust him. With his life. When he never trusted anyone with his life before. Not after seeing what could be done when one made the mistake of doing that. And he just learned that the only person who came closest to him placing that trust into was manipulating him, for his own good. What was he supposed to do now? And on top of those thoughts he had to think about the fact that he may have been misdiagnosed, that he may have gotten better sooner. That he could have actually gotten better sooner.
Ending his life seemed so much easier than dealing with everything that was going to come and yet, how could he do it now when Merlin knew the entire truth? And what if Merlin was right? What if he could get better? What if they could be together? It was all he's ever wanted, and even though he had money, prestige, and power. It meant very little without having Merlin in his life. Without his love. And now. It was the only thing out of the entire mess called his life that gave him any inkling of hope, and evidence of meaning. It was like being in the mirky sea waters, unable to see anything before you, and catching the glimpses of a beacon shining from a lighthouse meant to guide you the rest of the way home. Merlin was that beacon for him. Merlin, was considered his home -- his heart -- for a very long time. Arthur didn't know if he was going to be making the mistake of his life, but he did know that if he would do it for anyone, it would be Merlin. He found himself agreeing before conscious thought took over. And he saw Merlin crying in happiness when it did. He didn't know what was going to come, but if he could live again without the thoughts in his head, he would try whatever it was that Merlin was asking him to do. Even if he felt his chest tighten hard as soon as the thought of agreeing to an inpatient stay came to mind.