Chapter Text
The band was loud. Brian watched them with cynical eyes and a beer in one hand. It was nice to be out of the house enjoying himself like a grownup, even if it was just an afternoon showcase for a shitty band in L.A. He missed being home, though. Mikey would have had awesome things to say about the music. Gerard would have made fun of their stage makeup for hours. Brian liked being out by himself sometimes, but not as much as he missed the boys.
Somehow he’d totally settled in to the idea of parenting. Even when they were in trouble, even when it cramped Brian’s style, he liked having the kids around. He was used to being responsible. It had stopped making him nervous all the time. Brian smiled to himself.
Halfway through the second song his phone started buzzing, and went on continuously for five minutes. Brian finally took it out of his pocket to turn it off, but the name on it said “MIKEY,” and Mikey knew better than to call for anything less than an emergency.
Oh, god. Gerard had gotten in another fight. Gerard had gotten expelled from… Something. Shit. Brian shoved his way to the back of the club where he could hear.
It wasn’t Mikey, it was a panicked high-pitched voice that Brian finally placed as Frank’s. “—He’s gone and he didn’t even tell Mikey where he was going and why did you tell him that when you knew it would make him leave I thought you were okay Jesus Brian!” Frank yelled all in one breath.
“Frank,” Brian sighed, sticking a finger in his free ear. “What the hell are you talking about? I’m working right now. I’ll be back in a couple of days for whatever this is.”
“GERARD IS GONE!” Frank yelled.
Brian couldn’t understand him. “He’s in his room,” Brian said. “He’s upset about school.”
“He’s upset because you’re KICKING HIM OUT.” Frank sounded really frantic.
“I’m not kicking him out. The school might be kicking him out,” Brian protested.
“No they aren’t! I took care of it. Gerard is back in – Never mind. Gerard is GONE, Brian. He’s not here! He left Mikey a fucking note!”
Brian felt the room spinning a little bit. Since the day he’d lost the kids on the mall he hadn’t worried about Gerard leaving. There wasn’t any reason for Gerard to leave. “Why would he be gone?” Brian demanded. He started shoving his way out of the club.
“He said that you said that you were talking to Claire about putting him somewhere else because it wasn’t working out and he didn’t want to go back to that fucking group home and so he was LEAVING and you’re a DICK, Brian!” Frank hollered.
“Hang on, I never said that!” Brian protested. And then he stopped and ran back through the conversations he’d had with Gerard in the last couple of days.
‘You’re going to get you and Mikey taken away from me,’ check. ‘You wanted to stay and you fucked this up,’ check. ‘Sometimes even though you really want something it doesn’t work out,’ check. ‘Claire and I are going to find somewhere else for you that will work out better,’ check.
Jesus Christ, had he ever specified that he meant a new school and not a new home?
“Frank,” Brian tried to say, but he couldn’t get it out. His throat was closing off. Gerard was gone. “Frank,” he managed. “That’s not what I meant. I meant a new school. I didn’t mean a new house!”
“Don’t tell me that, tell him!” Frank said, but a lot of the anger was gone from his voice, replaced by a thousand percent sheer worry.
“How long has he been gone?” Brian asked. His hands were shaking a little bit as he hailed a cab. He had to get back to Philly. He had to be back a day ago, before Gerard left. He had to go back and punch himself in the mouth for not noticing the look on Gerard’s face.
“Mikey says a while,” Frank said. “Since he before he got home from school. We’re gonna go back out and look, okay? Can you come home?”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Brian said. His hands were shaking so hard he had to put his phone in his pocket so he wouldn’t drop it. He climbed in to a cab and started counting minutes until he was home.
\ \ \ \ \ \
It was almost dawn and Frank felt like he was going to die.
Mikey was frantic. He hadn’t stopped pacing all night. He was walking back and forth in the living room biting his lip, looking totally like Gerard, which was both ironic and tragic. Frank didn’t know what to do. His best friend was gone, and if the note he’d left Mikey was to be believed, he wasn’t coming back.
“Gee should have told me,” Mikey said, in his weird hiccupy-sad voice, for about the ten thousandth time. “He thinks stupid things all the time. Why didn’t he ask me? I would have told him!”
Ray and Bob had come up with incredibly creative excuses for their parents in order to stay overnight. Bob sat on the stairs, frowning, while Ray had spent most of the night sitting on the couch, trying to convince Mikey to sit down because Gerard would be back. Frank was glad he was there; he didn’t have the energy to repeat the same probably-lies to Mikey over and over.
“We’re going to find him,” Jeanne promised calmly. She was making soup in the kitchen, which was pretty normal, but she was dropping stuff a lot more than usual and she kept coming out to hug Mikey for no reason. Frank figured that meant she wasn’t really calm at all. Brendon, meanwhile, had been out wandering the streets all night looking for Gerard. Mikey had called him after school in hysterics. He was probably getting mugged, though, because Brendon wasn’t very scary.
“No, you won’t!” Mikey almost wailed. He collapsed on the couch. Ray put an arm around him. “Gee’s going to go hide because he’s upset and I’m not there! I should be there!” Mikey bounced back up to his feet, aiming for the door.
Ray and Frank grabbed for Mikey at the same time. “You’re not going anywhere,” Jeanne said firmly from the kitchen, waving a spoon at him.
“We can’t look for both of you,” Frank said. “Don’t you dare.”
“As soon as it’s lighter out me and Bob are going to go looking again,” Ray said. “Stop worrying.”
Mikey’s face was an epic poem about misery. “But it’s Gee,” he said. “And it’s been all night. He’s gone. He… He left me!” He crumpled a little bit.
The note had been an especially mean touch, because Gerard had drawn himself on it, waving goodbye. He’d also drawn a unicorn, for reasons Frank didn’t understand. Frank was going to break his nose when he came home. If he came home. He had to come home. He’d scribbled something incomprehensible about wanting Mikey to be happy with Brian and not wanting to make Brian any madder or go back to the city-run place with Claire and that he loved Mikey and goodbye. Gerard was so stupid it made Frank’s chest hurt.
Mikey curled up, shaking a little, on the couch. He was Frank’s little brother until his real, actual, stupid, brother came home. Frank pulled Mikey in to his lap and petted him, the way his mom petted him when he was upset. Mikey’s shoulders were shaking as he cried silently. Frank and Ray and Bob exchanged a long look. Someone was going to have to stay home with Mikey while everyone else went out looking for Gerard. No one wanted to take Mikey out, even if it meant a better chance to find Gerard. There was no guarantee Mikey wouldn’t decide that he preferred to be with Gerard, wherever he was, and vanish.
Brendon burst in waving like a crazy person. “Brian!” he said.
“But no Gee?” Frank asked.
Brendon bit his lip and got quiet, which was always a bad sign with Brendon. It was unnatural.
The door banged open. Brian was in mid-conversation. “—Don’t care, Lou,” he said. “This is my kid.” He paused, and the look on his face was downright scary. “No,” he said, “not my ‘almost’ kid or my ‘sort of’ kid or my ‘pretend’ kid. Gerard is my son in every way that counts, and he’s missing and he’s scared and he’s alone and I don’t give a fuck if you fire me and give my job to Ryan Ross; my kid is the only thing I care about right now.”
Frank wished Gerard was around to hear Brian say that. He rubbed Mikey’s back.
“No, you know what? I quit. Fuck you,” Brian said, and hung up. His hair was wild and his tie was undone and he looked like he was going to start tearing out throats at any minute. His eyes were red and crazy looking. “Where is he? He’s not back? Why aren’t all of you out finding him?”
“We were,” Brendon said. He looked exhausted and scared and sad and lots of other things Brendon never usually was. He handed Brian the note Gerard had left. Brian read it and his eyes got really wide for a second, and then he narrowed them and pressed his lips together.
“Your mom said we couldn’t go back out until it was light outside,” Ray added.
“Brian!” said Mikey, pushing himself upright. His pale face was splotchy with tears and his glasses were crooked. “Brian, Gerard’s gone!” He held his arms out to Brian in a way Frank had never seen him do before, and Brian dropped his phone and scooped the kid up in to a giant hug. Frank secretly wished Brian would hug him, too.
Brian kept his voice steady as held on to Mikey. “It’s going to be okay,” Brian promised. Mikey made a tiny sobbing noise. “Mikey, hey. Hey. I need you to think, okay? You’re the one person who might know where Gerard is now. I need you to make a list of all the places Gerard might have gone. And then I’m going to go find him and bring him back. I promise.”
Mikey sniffled and his shoulders shook, and he still had his arms around Brian’s neck. “I don’t know,” he protested. “He’s gone! He promised he wouldn’t go without me!”
“C’mon, Mikey,” Brian coaxed. “There must be somewhere. Where did you guys go last time? Where would Gerard feel safe?”
Mikey tilted his head and thought. For a long time. Frank knew it was a long time because he was holding his breath, and his chest ached from waiting to breathe. Ray and Bob were just staring, wide-eyed.
“I guess there’s one place,” Mikey said finally. Frank’s stomach knotted up. “I’m not supposed to tell anyone. It’s our secret place to meet if we ever got split up. But we’re not split up. I’m not split up. He just left me. If he wanted to see me, he’d come back here.”
“He probably went there anyway,” Jeanne said quickly. “I think he wants us to find him, Mikey. Where is it?”
Mikey hesitated. He was upset and tired and freaking out. Brian had let go, so Frank hugged him again instead.
“You have to trust me to do the right thing here, Mikey,” Brian said seriously. “You know I love you both, right? Because I do. I’m going to go and get Gerard and bring him home. You just have to tell me how.”
“Mikey,” Frank whispered. Mikey looked at him. Frank nodded.
Mikey told them.
\ \ \ \ \ \
The tin shack on the rooftop was a lot draftier than the last place he’d found Gerard. Brian’s hands were shaking again. He was exhausted and scared and furious with himself. He was having a little trouble believing that he’d just broken in to a building. Everything felt crazy and falling apart, and he reminded himself that he just had to hold it all together until he found Gerard.
The sun was starting to come up over the city. Brian could see his breath. Gerard had been missing for almost a whole goddamn day. Brian knew what kind of trouble a fourteen year old could get in to overnight in the city, and he didn’t care that Gerard had taken care of himself and Mikey for months. He was Brian’s kid, now, and Brian was terrified that something would happen to him before Brian could find him and bring him home.
The shack leaned to the side, and the roof had slid partway off. No one had been there in a really long time. No one who cared about their own personal safety, at least.
Brian pushed the door open with his heart pounding and his hands sweaty and shaky and his head swimming. Gerard had to be here. Gerard absolutely one hundred percent had to be here.
The shack was empty.
Brian stared around for a long, long time. His heart thumped painfully. His whole chest ached. Gerard couldn’t not be here. There was nowhere else for him to be. “Gerard?” he called hopefully.
The shack was tiny. It was also definitely empty.
Brian was going to cry. He could feel the ache behind his eyes, the way his throat tightened. He was somewhere beyond panic and sadness, somewhere numb that still hurt all over. He’d been so sure the kid wanted to be found, but Gerard wasn’t where he’d promised to wait for Mikey. And if he wasn’t waiting for Mikey, then he was really gone.
He turned and walked back out of the shack, rubbing his hands together. It was frigid up on the roof in the open air. He couldn’t go back down. He couldn’t call Mikey and Frank and Brendon and tell them Gerard wasn’t here. He couldn’t watch Mikey cry again. He couldn’t see Frank’s face crumple.
Brian walked over to the edge of the roof and leaned against the rusty railing. The city wasn’t awake yet. All those people, and no one would have seen one dark-haired kid who was too good at feeling guilty for his own good. Mikey was waiting, though. Brian was still going to make this happen somehow. He wasn’t going to just fucking give up. He’d start by calling the cops and then he’d walk every goddamn street of the city until he found Gerard. Brian closed his eyes.
His phone rang. Brian jumped.
“Yo,” said Gabe. “Did you for serious tell Lou to go fuck himself?”
Had he? Everything was lost in a blur of panic and anger. “Yeah,” said Brian. “I guess I did.” He paused. “Were you serious about the two of us starting up our own thing?”
“Jesus fuck!” yelled Gabe. “I have been trying to tell you this forever! We’ll steal all your old bands! And Ryan Ross is joining us; Lou really creeps him out. It will be the best fucking thing ever!”
“Listen, I can’t talk about this right now. I can’t do anything until we find Gerard. He’s—Nothing else matters right now, okay? But as soon as he’s back home we’ll work this out.” Brian wanted to be happy, but he was too numb with worry.
“I’m going to call Lou so I can tell him to go fuck himself,” said Gabe. “And then I’m going to find us some office space and start decorating it.” Brian winced. “This is awesome. Finally, dude!” He paused. “And uh, good luck with the kid thing. Really.”
“Thanks,” said Brian. “I need it.” He clicked the phone off.
An uncertain voice behind him said, “Um.”
Brian froze. Please, please, please don’t let me have gone crazy and be hallucinating, Brian pleaded silently. He didn’t move. If he moved or turned around, it might be someone else.
“Brian? Did you mean that? Are you… Is Mikey here?”
Oh my god. Oh my god, thank you. I’m going to kill him. Brian forced his voice to stay calm, although his throat was tight again and his eyes were burning. “Gerard,” he said slowly. “Hey.”
“Um,” said Gerard again. “Hi.” He sounded awful and scared and Brian’s heart was breaking all over again.
Brian turned around and took a really long, deep breath as he looked at Gerard, all disheveled and cold and thank god standing there on the roof with his arms across his chest, hugging himself. “I didn’t think Mikey would tell you,” Gerard said awkwardly, scuffing his foot. “I kinda hoped not. I shouldn’t have come here, huh? It was sorta--”
Brian was already across the roof, arms around Gerard, holding on so tightly that Gerard tried to squirm away. “You don’t get to leave,” Brian whispered, because his voice wasn’t working right. “Gerard. You don’t get to leave. You promised you’d stay.”
“Yeah, but you were gonna--”
“A new school,” Brian said. He held Gerard out at arm’s length, clutching his shirt with both hands like the kid was going to make a break for it. Another break for it. “Claire and I were going to find you a new school. How could you have thought I meant another home?”
Gerard’s mouth fell open a little bit. “But you--” he started. “You were so disappointed and I fucked everything up.”
“Listen up, Way,” Brian ordered, leaning down a little to look Gerard right in the eye. “I fuck up sometimes. So do you. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. Got it?” Gerard looked totally embarrassed, and a little awed. “You know how you feel about Mikey?” Brian demanded, not letting go. Gerard nodded slowly. “Well that’s how I feel about you. About both of you. I haven’t said it, okay, but I love you.”
“Oh,” was all Gerard could manage.
Brian took another deep breath. “I don’t think you totally understand, Gerard. I have the papers at the house right now to make this permanent. I’m only going to fill them out, though, if…” He had to force the words out, because his mouth wasn’t working right. “Okay, I know this what I want. Is it…” This was almost scarier than looking for Gerard had been. “Is it what you want?”
Gerard stared at him, and Brian couldn’t breathe. He had to say yes. Brian wasn’t going to let go until he did. And then Gerard tilted his head and looked down for a second and mumbled, “It… Yeah. That would be… I mean, yes, I want that.” When he looked back up his eyes were really big, and he was maybe starting to cry. Brian’s heart burst, and that was probably a tear rolling down his face, too. Thank god no one was around to see them. They’d have to deny everything when Mikey asked.
He hadn’t realized he’d been carrying an awful, choking weight around for weeks until it was suddenly gone. Brian smiled. “Then you and me and Mikey, this is it. Legally, officially, forever now. I don’t care if you kill a kid at school. This is it. Got that? We’re it.”
Gerard nodded. “You really… You really still want us?” he asked uncertainly. Do you still want me? Brian heard.
Brian let go of Gerard and straightened out his jacket, so he’d have a second to get himself under control. Gerard scrubbed his face with his sleeve. “Of course I do, you dumbass,” Brian said. Gerard made a choking noise. “Next time there’s trouble at school, you’re going to tell me, so I can help you out. This is only going to work if you trust me, Gee. I will never split you and Mikey up, and I will never get rid of you. Okay?”
Gerard nodded again, shakily. He took a deep breath, and then suddenly abandoned all the dignity he’d been trying to hold on to. He threw his arms around Brian’s neck, clinging and crying huge shuddering sobs that shook them both.
It was a lot like that second day they’d spent together, except this time Brian got it. He knew this kid. Brian held on tightly and let him cry, face buried in Brian’s shoulder. “I was going to tell you about the papers but I thought you might not want to stay,” Brian said. “I’ve decided I don’t care. I’m keeping you. I might get a fucking leash.”
Gerard laughed uncertainly. “I left,” he hiccupped. “I got kicked out of school. You aren’t mad?”
“I was scared,” Brian admitted. “I was scared I wouldn’t find you. Frank already fixed all the school stuff. He talked to the principal or something. You’re back in. It’s all fine.”
“Frank’s crazy,” Gerard said, but with admiration in his voice. He’d managed to mostly stop crying, and to pry himself off Brian’s shoulder. Brian missed it a little bit already.
“Yeah. Frank loves you, too.”
Gerard sniffled and nodded. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he said. “I thought it’d be easier if I just went. I didn’t know you—You—you thought you loved me and stuff.”
“I love you, Gee. Deal with it.” Brian sighed. “I quit my job to go look for you. Now I’m going to have to work with Gabe every day. Jesus.”
Gerard looked at him. “You love me more than your bands?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah. Fuck yeah.”
Gerard said uncertainly, “Even when I screw up?”
“Especially when you screw up.” Brian couldn’t believe how true that was. Being a parent was insane.
A tiny little teasing smile played across Gerard’s face. Brian grinned so hard his face felt like it might crack. “You’re not gonna make me call you dad, are you?” Gerard asked.
“No,” Brian said. That would have been weird as hell. “But you have to start calling my house ‘home.’ Can we go, by the way? Mikey’s worried sick.”
Gerard looked aghast for just a minute, and then he relaxed in to a real smile. It was a little bit brighter than the sun rising behind the buildings. It was a little bit better than anything Brian had ever seen before in his entire life.
“Yeah,” said Gerard. “Let’s go home.”
\ \ \ \
Brian hadn’t even brought the car to a full stop before Mikey came flying out the front door of the house. Gerard looked mildly abashed and a little teary again.
Gerard pushed open the car door and Mikey hurled himself at his brother. “You idiot!” Mikey yelled. Brian had never heard him sound so angry, or so loud. “You are so stupid! Next time you think something stupid you tell me and I’ll fix it, you don’t go away!” The effectiveness of his anger was diluted by the way Mikey was desperately hugging his brother, and his stuffed-up nose from all the crying.
“I know,” Gerard said, hugging him back. “I’m—”
He didn’t get to finish his apology, because Frank was only two steps behind Mikey. Frank grabbed them both so tightly Brian wasn’t sure they could breathe. “I’m so mad at you,” Frank said. His voice was shaking. “I should punch you right in the fucking face. I said I would fix it and I did! You were supposed to wait!”
“I know, but I thought –”
“You were wrong! Me and Bob and Ray made Bert tell the principal all the shit he did, and you should have believed me!” Ray and Bob were, in fact, hovering anxiously behind Frank. Bob looked sort of mad – but tempered with a lot of concern – and Ray was jumping up and down.
“I will next time,” Gerard promised, and Frank made a little noise in the back of his throat and went back to strangling him with hugs. Eventually Ray elbowed him out of the way to get a turn, and Frank hauled Bob into a hug with Gerard and him, and it was all arms and yelling and Brian was so fucking fond of all of them his throat hurt.
Brian turned off the car. His chest felt weird, like he couldn’t swallow or breathe, but not in a bad way. Gerard kept trying to apologize and never getting farther than the “I’m really-- ” before Mikey started scolding him or Frank started squeezing. Neither of them let go as they all herded Gerard back toward the house. Gerard didn’t seem to mind.
Brendon was waiting impatiently at the steps, and he had to settle for hugging Gerard along with Mikey. Frank and Ray and Bob waited impatiently a step away. “You scared the shit out of us. I hope Brian grounds you forever,” Brendon said, and hugged Gerard so hard he pulled the kid off his feet. Gerard started to cry again. Mikey wasn’t far behind.
“You are never going anywhere by yourself again, you get all stupid,” Frank ordered. Gerard hiccupped and nodded because he was crying too hard to talk. Mikey sniffled.
Gerard flapped his hands a little helplessly. “I’m--” he tried again, but Brendon was pulling him in to the house and Mikey was still clinging to his neck like was scared his brother would float away. Frank and Ray had started up an excited – and loud – conversation about how they’d split up shifts keeping track of where Gerard was at all times. Bob rolled his eyes.
“There you are, Gerard,” said Brian’s mom, in the doorway. “I made pancakes, which you don’t deserve. Look at you, you’re freezing. You couldn’t have taken a jacket with you? Get inside!” She hugged him briefly and then shoved him in toward the kitchen, trying to look stern and failing completely.
Brian walked up behind her. He wasn’t quite ready to go inside yet, because if he did he was going to get all choked up again and start crying again himself, and he was supposed to be a grown up who was mad at Gerard. He wasn’t sure he could pull it off. Brian kind of just wanted to hug him some more.
“You did good,” Jeanne said softly to him. Everyone else was hugging, so Brian took a second and hugged his mom. He hadn’t done it in a while, and it occurred to him he didn’t do it nearly enough.
“I try,” he said.
She looked a little shiny-eyed, too, but she hid it better than the kids, crossing her arms and clearing her throat. “You make a good family,” she said finally.
“Yeah,” said Brian, who couldn’t keep the stupid smile off his face. “We do.” And they all went inside.
THE END