Chapter Text
The months following the night Draco cut me off (or me him – I'm not sure) are foggy and sad.
Hannah and I break up only weeks after that. It's a mutual decision.
I keep thinking I've made all the wrong choices, but am still not sure what the right ones would have been.
The only thing that makes me leave my house is work. Without my job, I would have made a cave out of my bedroom and become a sceleton. A drunk sceleton, probably.
Ron and Hermione keep trying to talk to me, to console me, but I'm inconsolable. I miss Draco so much, sometimes I think my heart will just stop. I keep wondering why I didn't just beg him to stay. Didn't promise that he's the only one for me.
„You weren't ready,“ Ron signs, face full of compassion.
He has his own problems. After a serious talk, Ron has to make the decision if he wants to stay with Hermione even though she doesn't want to get married in the near future and certainly doesn't want to have kids.
Even my students notice that something is wrong. Especially Leah is always trying to cheer me up, which is more than sweet.
I try to keep an eye on Draco and his life until Neville, whose friend is working at the same magazine as Draco, cautiously tells me that Draco has a boyfriend.
That's when I stop.
I stop looking for him and realize I have to let him live his life.
I just wish I wouldn't have forgotten how to live my own.
If it was anyone else but Hermione, I would not have been convinced to attend any kind of gala – no matter how interesting all the guests are supposed to be. It's some kind of charity event and since Ron and Hermione broke up, Hermione has thrown herself into her work at the Ministry.
She'll be running for Minister for Magic in less than five years, I'm almost sure of that.
Just to please her, I'm wearing a suit. I hate suits, normally – they're uncomfortable and I feel like playing a character.
„Look, it's Percy!“ Hermione says, tugging on my arm.
The Weasley brother is attending with Penelope Clearwater on his arm. He's probably here to promote his new agency. None of us would have thought that Percy could be this successful, but his literary agency is thriving.
It's weird to see the atrium of the Ministry so altered – the floos are glamoured and it all looks like a huge ballroom. The Fountain of Magical Brethren is adorned with glitter and the splattering of water must be making for a calming white noise.
Hermione drags me over to Percy and I'm pretty lost. Percy isn't fluent in sign language at all and Hermione is only signing her own words for me, but not Percy's responses and doesn't even face me while doing it, so I really have no idea what's going on.
Not that I'd find it particularly interesting.
It's only when Hermione tenses next to me that I look up again. Percy is smiling widely and gesticulating to a very attractive, blond man in a light blue suit.
I forget how to breathe.
My world narrows only to the Slytherin standing before me. Our eyes lock and it's like we've never been apart.
Like it hasn't been a year.
„Draco,“ I sign and he nods at me.
His pale skin seems to be glowing and his eyes are smoky and everything fantasies are made of.
„Percy just said Malfoy and him have published his second book,“ Hermione signs, her eyes flickering between me and Draco.
I feel myself smile. Something watery and warm and oh so bright is swirling in my chest. It hurts and it makes me feel more alive than I have in a long time.
„Congratulations. I'm happy for you.“
Draco swallows and nods.
He still looks so young. Almost like a boy. But I know he's not. He's a man now.
I think about his boyfriend and the pain in my heart is dull. I hope he's treating Draco right. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have him.
„Thank you.“
I think Percy is talking, but I pay him no mind. I'm just looking at Draco. Drinking him up.
„Are you just going to stare at me, Potter?“ There is almost a smile on his lips.
„Would you like to walk with me?“ I ask.
He nods and I extend my arm, which he takes and I ignore Hermione's worried look as I escort him away from the people, the buzz of conversation I can't hear.
„How have you been?“ Draco asks as we left the Atrium, standing in an empty hallway.
I shrug and smile. „Not great, but I'm getting by. My kids are getting older. Jack will graduate next year.“
„That sounds exciting.“
„It is.“
„How are you?“ I ask him with my hands. I want to reach out and touch him. See if he feels the same. Smells the same.
„Quite well, thank you. My book has been a success, which makes me very proud.“
I wish he wouldn't be formal with me. I never want him to feel like he has to.
But I acknowledge that I don't have the right to see him with his guards down anymore. Someone else is getting all of him now, all that I was too stupid to take when he wanted me to have it.
„You should be proud.“
„How is Hannah?“ Draco asks and I know he's doing it to draw a line. Remind me where we stand.
„We've broken up almost a year ago now.“
Draco blinks. Of course he realizes how short after our last talk that was. „Why did you break up?“
I smile at him, my chest and throat so tight. „I think you know why.“
Draco's eyes dart to the side, his lashes fluttering. He's blushing and I want to tell him how beautiful he looks.
I hope his boyfriend does. I hope Draco knows.
„What about you?“
„What about me?“ he asks.
„Are you happy?“
Draco pauses for a moment. „Yes. I think I'm mostly happy. Happier than in a long time, definitely.“
I nod. It's strange how his words relieve me and break my heart at the same time.
„Well, I guess I'll leave you now then. I wish you all the best, Draco.“
The blond swallows. I get a glimpse behind his guards. „Do you have to leave already? It is still early.“
I blink. Take in his beauty. „I think it would be better. I don't want you to... You asked me to let you go. I don't want to make you sad again. Or myself.“
Draco swallows. „But aren't you single now?“
I raise my brows. „I am. But you're not. Are you?“
Draco holds my gaze. He has to look up only a little. I'm not much taller. „I'm single too.“
My world tilts.
Heart pounding, I ask: „But... I thought you had a boyfriend?“
Draco frowns. „I was with someone, but only for three months or so. It wasn't very serious.“
My heart is beating and beating and beating.
All for him.
I don't know what to say, so we're just staring at each other for a long while.
„Won't you kiss me?“ Draco asks, fingers uncertain, blush high on his cheek, but eyes on mine.
„I don't want to hurt you again.“
Defiance is gleaming in his stormy eyes. „Hurt me, Harry Potter.“
My lips are on his in a quick exhale, our bodies pressed together. Draco's mouth opens under mine and we're burning up together. Our teeth are clashing and Draco bites my lip so hard that I'm bleeding, but we don't care.
I'm pulling him closer. It's not close enough.
I press him against the wall and he hooks one leg around the back of my thigh. Our bodies are touching everywhere and feeling his arousel is almost enough to drive me over the edge.
It's been a while.
And it has never been Draco.
Our kisses are frantic as are our hands and suddenly, there are so many words I want to say to him. They get stuck in my throat, choking me and tears are falling from my lashes.
Draco pushes back just a little, looks into my face. He caresses my face. Kisses the tears off my cheeks.
„What is it?“ he asks. I can read his red lips.
I just shake my head and swallow, and swallow again, against the words.
Draco understands. „Later. We'll talk later,“ he says or I think that's what he says and then we're kissing again and none of us remember that we're in public. Not when I reach into his trouseres and we're both moaning – it's a breath of air against my neck.
I make him spill over my fingers and I'm coming over his and we're both panting into each other's necks.
I clean us up with a non-verbal spell, making him smile.
„You've practiced,“ he signs as he closes his trousers.
„I've had a good teacher.“
He arches one brow and straightens his shirt.
„Draco.“ I take his wrist. Words are choking me again.
„Yes?“
He can't leave me. I wouldn't survive.
„Don't leave.“
His gray eyes are on me. Calm and just a little uncertain. „I wasn't going to.“
„I... You -“ I don't know what to say. My heart is hammering and suddenly, I'm so afraid.
„Use your words, Harry,“ Draco signs and I take a deep breath.
„Go out with me,“ I sign. Then take his hands again.
He smiles and I fall fast, tumble, surrender.
„Pick me up at seven tomorrow,“ he signs and with that, he leaves me in the hallway, ruffled and painfully in love.
The whole day, I'm trying to prepare myself for Harry not showing up. I tell myself that would be no surprise and it wouldn't at all come close to a national catastrophe.
My heart is beating so fast that it's painful when Harry knocks on my door.
„Hey,“ I sign and say – glad he can't hear how breathless I sound.
He looks good in a green button down and jeans. So good, it makes me want to pull him inside and snog him senseless.
But the Gryffindor seems to have other ideas. He hugs me hello and I'm panicking immediately.
Why doesn't he kiss me?
Then I proceed to hate myself for acting like a fifteen-year-old and that's why I have to ask Harry to repeat his words several times. I'm always so distracted by staring at him.
It's a cold day, Feburary still feeling like deepest winter. I want to hold his hand. I want to link arms and press against his warm body, slipping my hands under his coat. I want him to hold me.
But I'm just walking beside him, letting him lead me to a restaurant.
I didn't expect Harry to pick such a fine one. He's being very worldly until the waiter shows us the wine selection. I can see his panic, no idea what to choose. It makes me feel this sweet ache inside of me that I've told myself time and time again I don't miss.
I smile at the waiter and tell him our choice.
Harry smiles at me sheepishly.
„I know you wouldn't know a good wine, Potter,“ I sign and when he seems mildly offended, I soften my smile and add: „Good thing that my parents taught me all about it before I was even allowed to drink any.“
That chases the tension away and we chat about Harry's work and then mine and it's lovely and wonderful and I hate every second of it.
I want to talk about us. I can't be here, loving his company, when he's planning on walking away tomorrow.
But I'm too scared to say anything. I've been brave once already. I can't do it again.
After dessert, Harry takes my hand. When his index is caressing the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist, tracing the blue veins visible under the thin skin, I feel completely transparent. Like he could see right into my soul.
He's paying and we're walking home hand in hand, my heart beating loudly all the way.
In front of my apartment door, we come to a halt, looking at each other.
„I had fun tonight,“ Harry signs, smiling, and it's the right thing to say but it feels like it's not enough. We're not that. We're not a shy first date, evaluating whether we might want to see each other again.
I want it all. I want it all and I want it now and I want it so badly, it takes my breath away.
I reach up to kiss him. He's surprised at first, but then responds, hands on my waist possessively.
I want him to claim me. I want to be his and only his. I want him to be mine.
„Do you want to come in?“ I ask, hating the fact that I have to draw back, stop touching him, to sign.
Harry seems a little dazed, green eyes clouded. „Are you sure?“
Not at all. But I don't care. Suddenly, I want to throw it all away – give it all to him, my everything, even risking he might break it. I don't care anymore. I'll always have the memories. „Yes.“
I pull him inside and we kiss in my living room. I'm wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, closer even still.
We're exploring each other's mouth and his hands are under my coat, then under my shirt, touching my skin.
I want more.
Quickly, I shed my coat. Then lead him into my bedroom. His eyes are big as I close the bedroom door behind us. It's like he's walked into a dream.
I'm shivering as I toe off my shoes. Then start unbuttoning my shirt. He doesn't move and it makes me so insecure and so desperately eager.
„Undress, Potter.“ But he doesn't. He's staring at me as I push my jeans down. Standing before him only in my pants, my heart is beating so hard that I'm sure he can see it.
I'm scared and more turned on than ever before. The proof of that is tenting my pants and I know I'm flushed a bright red.
I don't care. I want him so bad. I've wanted him since I knew how to want. Probably even before that.
„Touch me,“ I sign and I feel faint and desperate.
„You're so fucking gorgeous,“ he signs and then, finally, finally, his hands are on my body. He's running them over my sides, my back. Then they're settling on my hips, his thumbs stroking slow circles into my skin. I'm trembling and my fingers curl around his biceps. He's so strong. I want him to throw me over his shoulder and toss me on the bed. I want him to… „Fuck me,“ I say, breathless.
He reads my lips and groans. Hearing his voice, even though it's not words, makes me even harder.
„Are you sure?“
I bite his lip in response and start unbuttonening his shirt. He helps me, almost destroying it in the process.
When we're both only in our pants, he walks me to the bed. I follow willingly and lie down on my back. He can do anything to me. I'd do anything for him.
„Harry.“
He can't hear my voice, but he sees me saying his name and something that is so intense, it's almost pain, flickers over his face.
I pull him closer. My heart is racing as I push his pants down and expose him completely.
I've had him in my hand yesterday, but I couldn't see. Now I can.
I take my time looking and it makes Harry blush. I don't know why. He's so perfect. So absolutely gorgeous in every way.
My fingers trace an oval scar on his sternum before I let my hand drop lower. Touch him where he wants to be touched most.
He moans and I smile and we kiss.
I reach for the lube I've stored in my nightstand for months now. The lube that no one but me has ever used.
I won't tell him I've never done this. I'm afraid it might drive him away. Or make me look stupid. I'm almost twenty-three, afterall.
„I've never done this before,“ Harry signs and I almost drop the little bottle. I stare at him.
I was so sure he has.
„Not with a boy,“ he adds, biting his lip.
I swallow. „Me neither.“
„Not with a boy?“
„Not at all.“
We look at each other.
„We don't have to,“ he then says, probably because he can feel my heart hammering.
I shake my head. „I want to.“
„Okay.“ He takes the lube from me. Something needy and desperate is flaring inside me.
„Do you want me too? Do you want to fuck me?“
I swallow and Harry's eyes are so bright I almost can't stand looking at them.
„You have no idea how much, Draco. I've been dreaming about you for three years.“
He seems to think that's long. Maybe I'll tell him one day how long I've been dreaming about him.
Definitely more than three years.
Nevertheless, his words soothe me and I roll over.
I've never felt this vulnerable. Almost scared now.
Harry seems to sense it, because for a long time, his hands are simply stroking my skin, following the lines of my back, caressing the insides of my thighs, the slender curve of my ass, until I relax into his touch.
When he starts touching me where I really want to be touched, slipping one careful finger inside me, I can't hold back my moan.
It feels different from when I do it and I already know I'm going to love it.
He waits for me to arch my back, keening quietly, until he adds another one. It's burning at first and he kisses my shoulder blades, his fingers working gently.
When I have three strong fingers inside me, I'm tugging on his wrist. I could come from this.
„Ready?“ his eyes ask me. I nod.
When he tries to pull me up to my knees, I shake my head and roll onto my back. I'm not going to be fucked from behind for my first time. I want him to know it's me, every second of it.
„On all fours would be easier,“ Harry signs as I look up at him. He kisses my cheeks.
I shake my head. „I don't care. I want to see you.“
That makes him moan, a sound low in his throat that I want him to make again and again.
I want this so inexplicably much, I didn't really expect it to hurt at all.
But it does. It hurts quite bad, actually.
When I hiss and tense and grab Harry's wrists, he slows. His green eyes are looking at me.
„Do you want me to stop?“ his right hand asks. It's not easy for him to sign, propped up on one elbow to keep balance, messing up the signs due to doing it single-handedly.
„No. Just go slow,“ I sign for him and he does.
Just when I think that this isn't at all how I always imagined it to be, despite the exstatic expression on Harry's face when he bottoms out, he hooks my right leg a little higher over his shoulder, changing the angle.
I shout when he hits the sweet spot inside me for the first time and when he does it again, all I can do is cling to him, moaning and shouting and begging. I'm melting in his hands and I can see he's loving it.
He comes without warning and I hiss in complaint. The feeling of him spilling inside me is foreign, but I like it for some weird reason.
When he pulls out and collapses next to me, he seems absolutely out of it. I did this to him. It makes me smile smugly, despite my throbbing erection demanding attention.
He turns to me, looks at me. I run my fingers through his hair.
„Oh my god, Draco,“ he signs with slow fingers. „You're so amazing. That was so good. Merlin, you're so tight, I can't...“
I grin now. Harry post orgasm is apparently a Harry with Gregory's IQ.
„You didn't come,“ he signs, alarmed. He's just noticing it now.
„I'm sure you're about to change that, aren't you?“ I sign.
„Of course. But...“
He looks down to his crotch.
I take his hand. „This will suffice, I'm sure.“
Harry smiles dazedly and reaches for my erection. I part my legs and put his hand where I want it.
I'm already sore, but it still doesn't take me longer than a few minutes to come from Harry fingering me. The moment he touches my leaking erection, I shout his name and paint my belly in white streaks.
Harry kisses me and I keep his face close to mine. His smile is touching something deep inside of me. He kisses my nose and then my eyebrows before he pulls me close, curling his body around mine.
I fall asleep with a smile on my lips.
I wake up with a glorious feeling in my chest. I don't remember where it's coming from, until I realize that my arm is wrapped around a warm body.
Blinking my eyes open, I breathe in an intoxicating scent. It's a scent of sex and boy and Draco.
I kiss his neck, pulling his body closer. He's warm and pliant and I can feel him wake up in my arms, slowly.
He rolls around to face me and his gray eyes are puffy from sleep and light and gorgeous. It hurts me to look at them and yet, I never want to look away. I'd say something, but it's impossible to stop stroking his body. I'm hard again already.
Draco pushes my hands away. „I need a shower,“ he signs.
„I'll come with you,“ I sign.
He laughs when I don't let him get up alone. I can't stop touching him.
„Potter,“ he signs when I wrap my arms around him from behind, kissing his neck, his shoulder.
We barely make it into the shower and by the time we do, we're both a panting mess. I think Draco is keening and press my ear against his throat, feeling the vibrations.
I slip my wet fingers between his legs and when I find him all sore and puffy from the night before, I drop to my knees.
„Turn around, darling,“ I sign, for once glad not to have my voice anymore. I don't think it would carry.
Draco's jaw goes slack at my words and he slowly complies.
My fingers are stroking the insides of his thighs, gently pushing his legs apart. When I start kissing him, licking him, fucking him with my tongue, he loses it completely.
As I've successfully reduced him to a babbling mess, I get up, knees creaking, and lift him. He wraps his legs around my waist and I scramble for shower gel.
It's not a sufficient replacement for lube and I know I must hurt Draco when I push in, but he doesn't complain – only arches his back, pulling me close, begging for more. It hurts me not to be able to hear him, but just the look on his face is enough to have me worry I won't last.
I fuck him against the wet tiles until we're both coming. I lose it when I feel him clenching around me, his orgasm sending tremors through his body.
„I've always wanted to do this,“ he signs when I finally put him down again and we let the stream of hot water wash away the sweat and the cum.
„Shower sex?“
He grins. „Yes.“
„Why haven't you?“ I ask.
Draco swallows. Looks away for a moment. „I usually am very high-maintenance. You're the only one sneaking your way around it.“
I grin and kiss him and then kiss him some more because I finally can. „I love shower sex with you.“
„Me too.“ He washes my hair and I don't know how I could have ever thought I'd been in love before. As great as Ginny was – it wasn't like this. I didn't know it's possible to be so absolutely gone for another person.
If it was up to me, I'd move in with Draco on the spot. But, of course, we don't do that. It's never good to rush things and the last thing I want is to stupidly fuck this up.
And yet, I spend every night lying awake, afraid he might decide that this isn't what he wants afterall. That we won't work.
To my great surprise, Ron is the one who is most supportive of me being with Draco. „I mean, I'm not sure I'll ever really like the git, but if he makes you happy... I trust you, mate.“
Hermione is worried. I think she is waiting for the inevitable fallout.
I'm praying it won't come.
I take Draco flying. We spend hours in the air, first chasing the snitch, then chasing each other.
We kiss lying in the grass, brooms next to us. His lips are cold and chapped and his tongue hot in my mouth.
„I love you,“ I tell him, my heart in his hands.
Draco looks at me without blinking. When he places one elegant hand on my heart, feeling it beating, I know I'd do anything for him. Anything at all.
The fallout comes on a rainy Monday morning in April, when the reporters of the Prophet finally catch us.
The Savior and the Malfoy Heir – Our hero in the enemy's grasp?
They speculate how I might have manipulated Harry. He's requested to undergo a physical and psychological check-up. I get hate mail – so much that I finally flee to Pansy's.
She cancels on two clients for me and I'm sitting on her couch, drinking tea with her in lingerie that leaves nothing to the imagination. Sometimes I think she likes flaunting her body around me because I'm the only one in her world that doesn't give a fuck about it.
„This is wrong,“ I say when we switch from tea to firewhiskey. „I'm destroying his life.“
„You're not,“ Pansy says, flapping her hand. Despite the hard lines the life of a hooker has drawn around her mouth, she's still stunning with her dark eyes and hair, curves to die for.
„Why do you even care what everyone else thinks?“
„I don't. I just don't want them to get to Harry,“ I say.
It takes Harry two days to hunt me down.
„I don't care,“ he tells me. „I mean, I wish they wouldn't casually mention three times each article how my disability makes me easy to manipulate, but let them think whatever they want. We know the truth.“
„It's not fair,“ I sign and he kisses me hard.
„You promised you wouldn't leave,“ he signs, green eyes blazing.
„Are you sure you don't want me to?“ I ask, serious.
Harry rolls his eyes. „I love you, Draco Malfoy.“
I know he wants me to say it back.
One day, I might.
Draco and I only make the headlines for about a month before we're slowly becoming old news.
„Move in with me,“ I ask the Slytherin curled up in my bed.
He gives me a look. „My flat is prettier than yours.“
„Then I'll move in with you. I don't care,“ I sign.
He smiles and pulls me close, wrapping lean legs around me. „Then so be it.“
It's at a party at Draco's apartment that Pansy and Hermione first meet.
I was glued to Draco's side for most of the evening, only venturing away to chat with Ron and his new girlfriend. It will take a while until I'll get used to my best friends not being together anymore. I just hope they'll learn to be friends again.
„Look at that,“ Draco says as I find him in the kitchen again, mixing cocktails.
Pansy and Hermione are all snuggled up together, apparently completely caught up in each other.
I blink. „Who would've guessed?“
Draco smiles. „Pansy is too pretty for Granger.“
I elbow him. It was meant to be lightly, but I end up hurting him. Draco sends a blazing look my way. „Don't, Potter. Don't ever.“
I swallow. „I'm sorry.“
We lock eyes in our kitchen and I know before he tells me in bed that night.
„My father hit me sometimes. He thought it would make me more of a man.“
„You're the best man I know,“ I sign, wanting to kill Lucius Malfoy.
Draco smiles. „I'm pretty great indeed.“
Jack, my oldest student, graduates in July and my heart is singing. I'm so proud of him.
And I'll miss him. Not two students are the same and seeing one leave makes me realize how very much I appreciate all of them.
Well, most of them. There is one that makes working with him not really easy, but that's part of the job.
Draco invites me to dinner as a celebration and we eat sushi and drink wine and grin at each other.
After dinner, we go to Pansy's party. She's celebrating too – with Hermione's help, she found a new job. Instead of selling her body, she'll soon be selling expensive clothes she designed herself. When Pansy told Draco, he cried happy tears.
No one really knows whether Pansy and Hermione are official or not, but everyone who sees them together know that they have something. Something special that doesn't necessarily need labels. I think it might be exactly what Hermione was looking for; what she couldn't have with Ron.
Much later, in our dark bedroom, Draco climbs into my lap and kisses me.
We're naked and tipsy and I look at him with my lips parted. Sometimes I still can't believe he's with me.
„Tell me,“ I sign as he takes me inside him, moves with slow, sensual rolls of his hips.
As much as he usually likes it hard and fast, it's always breathtaking when we do it like this. Slow. Sweet.
„Tell you what?“ he signs, before wrapping his arms around me again.
I just keep staring at him. „Tell me,“ I mouth.
His eyes are dark and tender. He pulls back a little so he can sign. „I love you, Harry Potter.“
Something inside of me unravels. Together, we come undone.
After all those years, he's saying it. „I love you, I love you, I love you...“
Again and again and again – making up for all the moments we didn't say what we've known for so long.