Chapter Text
" Zhan-Ge! "
Xiao Zhan bolted up with a gasp, his eyes narrowing as he searched for the origin of the noise that had startled him.
The soft lights on the room looking brighter than he remembered them being before.
He frowned, wondering if perhaps he had only mistaken Wei Wuxian's chattering... And then it happened again.
" Zhan-ge… Zhan-ge, please wake up "
For an endless moment, Xiao Zhan stood frozen in place, completely unable to move.
And then he jumped up to unsteady feet, head turning around in a panic as his heart beat erratically against his chest.
He was hallucinating… That was the only explanation.
He was finally losing his mind.
" Please, I… I don't know how to go on. "
Because Yibo couldn't be there.
Yibo couldn't be there!
"Wuxian?" he called, stumbling forward as he tried to find the younger man amidst the dancing lights blurring his vision "Wuxian? Where are you?"
" I can't lose you "
Xiao Zhan cried out, hands holding his head as it split with pain, the room starting to turn and twist against his closed eyelids.
" Wei Wuxian!! "
" Ge… Ge, please... "
"Zhanzhan!" he could barely hear Wei Wuxian's scream over the jumble of voices, over his voice "Zhanzhan there's something… There's something wrong– ARGH !"
The cultivator whimpered, his body leaning heavily against the wall across from him, gripping at his long hair in a painfully tight hold.
" MAKE IT STOP!! "
Xiao Zhan sobbed, falling to his knees as the voices grew louder, as the whispers mixed and jumbled with the noise of machines and car horns and a long, single high note bip devouring the mess of confusion and dizziness.
He didn't know who he was supposed to be anymore.
The actor Xiao Zhan.
" GE!! Ge, don’t!! Do SOMETHING!! Ge!! Ge, please!! Ge, don't give up! "
" Get him out! Get Mr. Wang out now! "
The corrupted Wei Wuxian.
" Wei Wuxian… Kill them all for me!! "
" Take revenge for me! "
The broken Yiling Patriarch.
" A-Xian… You ran too fast... "
Maybe he was all of them. Maybe he was none of them at all.
Another stab of pain behind his eyes.
He doubled over, tears trailing down his face.
Suddenly, above the chaos and voices and screaming sounds, there was a louder, clearer one, it's tone almost soothing. Almost like–
"Shi… Shijie?"
The figure made of light smiled.
"A-Zhan, you have suffered" she knelt in front of him, her purple robes falling around his body like a warm cloak as she brushed away his tears with a tender touch "A-Zhan… Do you want to go back?"
Xiao Zhan's breath caught, eyes stinging as he remembered a friend that had been just as warm, remembered that one special person that would be broken if he didn’t go back…
Zhan-ge! Didi ai ni!
This time, as she repeated that one question, Xiao Zhan was finally able to answer.
"Yes"
Please.
Xuan Lu smiled, her eyes bright and wet and beautiful as she leaned over him, lips pressing softly, caringly, over his forehead.
It felt warm. It felt soothing.
It ached.
It burned .
The world exploded in bright, sharp-edged fragments.
And then everything went dark.
" GE!! Ge, don’t!! Do SOMETHING!! Ge!! Ge, please!! Ge, don't give up! "
Wang Yibo could hear the doctors moving around him.
He was partially aware of the crash-cart being brought over and hands trying to push him away. Trying to make him leave.
But he couldn't see any of them, eyes focused on the still figure of Xiao Zhan on the bed, the sound of the heart-monitoring flatlining an all encompassing scream exploding on his ears.
He had to wake. Xiao Zhan had to wake up.
He... He had to!
" Get him out! Get Mr. Wang out now! Everyone, on my count! One, two, three–"
Yibo felt himself being pushed back, felt familiar arms holding him tight – restricting, comforting, soothing – as the door was closed shut on his face.
No... No! No, he had to be with him! He couldn't be late again!
Zhan-ge he... He needed...
"Yibo! Yibo, come back! Yibo, the doctors are with him, come back!"
Xuan Lu , something in his mind said.
Lu- Jie smelled of vanilla.
She smelled of vanilla and cinnamon, like his boyfriend's favorite coffee on a lazy Sunday morning.
Zhan-ge loved her perfume. He said it reminded him of home.
Zhan-ge always smiled when Lu- Jie was with them. He joked she would be their maid of honor if he could stand Yibo's bratty antics for long enough. Yibo had tried not to grin – but he knew he failed when Zhan-ge's eyes softened and he leaned over to kiss him.
" You are still too young to be thinking about this things, Gou zaizai. "
Yibo loved that nickname. Even if he couldn't help grumbling and complaining about not being a kid.
Now the only thing in his mind was that he wanted to hear it again. He wanted his boyfriend to open his eyes and look at him and call him gou zaizai with that small, impertinent grin that was only for him.
Maybe… Maybe if Xiao Zhan knew Lulu was there too… Maybe if he could feel the smell of home again – of cinnamon and vanilla… Maybe he would wake?
He would come back to him…
"Yibo, Yibo… It will be fine… Yibo, you need to breathe... You are having a panic attack. Please, listen to me… Focus on my voice..."
Wang Yibo choked, trying to follow the sound of her words, feeling his own erratic, pained breath slow down as his thoughts cleared slowly.
"Shhh… Yes… Like this, Yibo… Just breathe… Everything will be well, didi… He will be wel… It's not your fault..."
But it was, wasn't it?
Yibo had seen the signs… Had known his ge wasn't well.
But he thought his boyfriend would be fine – that maybe he just needed some space, that he would reach for him when he was ready.
Everything Yibo ever did was perfect. He was pontual, hard-working, was restless. And yet, that one time – the one that mattered the most – Yibo had been too late.
"It wasn't your fault, didi."
He shook his head.
"He… He was screaming on the phone… He never s-screams like that, I… He was in pain a-and…" Yibo breathed, looking down at Xuan Lu with red, tear-filled eyes "Lu- jie … He… He didn't try to avoid it. T-the driver s-said… He just stood there… Lu- jie , he..."
"I know, I know" she whispered, holding him tighter when his body finally gave way, folding forward against her smaller figure.
"Zhanzhan is sick, Yibo… He is in pain, and he is hurting... But it's not your fault, it's not his fault, it's no-one's fault… When… W-when he is well again, we will make sure he gets the help he needs" she assured "We will love him and reassure him and be there when things get too hard again..."
"He can't… C-can't leave me..." Yibo cried "Please don't leave me, ge ..."
Xuan Lu closed her eyes, holding back the sob that threatened to leave her lips as she gripped tighter at Yibo's clothes, the tears washing down her chin and disappearing on the soft fabric.
He didn't need her to break down too. Yibo needed her to be strong for him – just for a moment. Just long enough to let him breathe.
Xuan Lu would never forget the first time he arrived at the hospital.
He had taken the first flight the same night Xiao Zhan was admitted for emergency care, but with the security measures of the Pandemic still in place, the younger had been detained at a hotel room for the next ten days.
That morning, when he arrived, Yibo was a mess of red eyes and disheveled hair and mumbled words. He had looked barely more then a ghost of the energetic, bratty boy that would follow Zhanzhan around his apartment complaining about their choice of movie – or simply to annoy his boyfriend into paying attention to him.
Yibo was like a puppet whose string's had been torn apart.
The corridor was acceptic, with white walls and dark chairs and a quiet buzz of electric lights over their heads. There was no clock anywhere near, nor windows from which she could track the passage of time.
Still, Xuan Lu felt the time drag. Felt every second of every minute that passed without knews of Xiao Zhan.
Suddenly, a doctor approached them, face awash with relief despite the tiredness.
And if this time she was sobbing with Yibo, it didn't feel wrong at all.
There was a loud, annoying bip close to his ears.
It made his head ache… It made everything ache.
Or maybe it wasn't the noise at all.
His limbs felt heavy, and his mouth was so dry it was even hard to breathe. It felt like a hangover going very, very wrong. Like someone had stuffed his mouth with sand and left it there for days just to make him miserable.
Xiao Zhan tried to turn his head, to call for someone – or maybe discover where he was now – but his eyes watered against the bright, blinding light on he room, and he was unable to make any noise louder than a quiet, pained hum.
"Ge?"
Xiao Zhan stilled, the world coming to a halt at the sound of Yibo’s voice
"Ge..."
He blinked against the stinging lights, letting his eyes water as everything slowly came back – the days in the hotel room, his phone number being hacked and people trashing him through messages, talking to Yibo, walking away, the car, the accident…
The room.
Xiao Zhan felt his eyes burning once more as he took in the hopeful, tired look on his boyfriend's face, the tears falling now for a completely different reason.
"Yibo" he smiled drowsily, his voice too low, too raspy "Yibo... I missed… Missed you..."
He had spent thirteen years in that place.
Thirteen years alone in a quiet room. Thirteen years missing him, waiting for him, remembering him.
Even if, for Yibo, it hadn't been more than thirteen days.
"Ge… Zhan-ge…" his voice broke, hands covering his face as he cried, moving back instinctively as the doctors began piling in, asking questions, shooting explanations and poking at his skin left and right.
Xiao Zhan didn't complain. He didn't say anything – even if he felt so tired . Even if he wanted all of them to simply get out. To let him look at Yibo a bit more, to let them get closer and touch and reassure himself he was real.
Later, as he settled against the soft pillows, Yibo sitting on a chair by his bedside, he was finally able to look at him. To take in the haggard clothes, the unkempt, dishelved hair, the deep bags under his eyes in stark contrast against his pale skin...
Xiao Zhan wanted to cry.
Yibo... He was truly here. Even if he still carried the marks of his distress so clearly... To Xiao Zhan, his boyfriend had never looked so beautiful
"Yib–"
"Please" he gripped at his hand, voice broken and heavy with unshed tears "Please don't do this to me again… Please don't… Don't leave me..."
Don't leave me again.
Xiao Zhan's heart ached for the pain he could see in those phoenix eyes. Ached knowing he had put it there, but could do nothing to make it go away yet.
"I won't" he vowed, voice trembling "I won't, gou zaizai… I promise... I won't leave you..."
And Yibo broke.
His head fell over Xiao Zhan's shoulder as his tears, warm and salty, dampened the soft fabric of his hospital clothes.
Closing his eyes, Xiao Zhan let the feeling of warmth, of rightness settle over him. He let the rise and fall of Yibo's chest guide his own, keep his heart beating steadily as hospital staff came and went with relieved expressions, as Xuan Lu looked over them from the door for a couple moments before promising to come back later.
All along, Xiao Zhan could feel Yibo's steady presence over him.
Could feel his warmth and the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat against his own.
Almost as if saying, let me breathe with you.
And Xiao Zhan did.
Again.
And again.
And again.
In another world, inside a small, dirty room on the Mo Manor, Wei Wuxian finally opened his eyes.
Xuanyu, ah, Mo Xuanyu...
"... You've got the wrong person. "