Chapter Text
The class was dismissed fairly soon and the desks creaked against the floor as Naruto and the rest of the teams started moving out of the classroom for a lunch break.
Naruto was minding his own business really. He was walking...umm, trying to walk with a glaring Sasuke and muttering Hinata having some sort of an alien conversation behind him.
”They are cursing each other.”
Naruto jumped when Sakura suddenly whispered into his ear.
Sakura nodded, “I saw a hex in Hinata’s bag and a Voodoo in Sasuke’s.”
Naruto was too scared to function. What was wrong with his classmates? Are they freaking black magic witches? Which 13 year olds carried cursed items with them? Naruto was becoming pale real fast.
Suddenly he was pushed from behind and almost fell over if Sasuke had not magically teleported in front of him and caught him, pretending all the way to have done it accidentally. Then they were falling, towards the floor, their limbs tangled and faces stuck...in a soul sucking... no, make that face sucking kiss.
Naruto pounded his fists loudly against the floorboard but Sasuke seemed to have completely frozen up...and was he- rubbing against him? Like a fucking cat in heat!
Finally he was able to extract himself from Sasuke’s evil claws and sighed in relief.
”I’ll kill you Naruto.” Sasuke shouted as he desperately and very dramatically retched on the floor.
He should be the one doing the killing. He was angry, very angry. Why was this day messing him? His first kiss was gone...gone, flown out of the fucking open window. And it was taken by a two-faced pervert who had designs on him.
Naruto all but stomped in anger as he lifted up the entity responsible for this mishap.
Of-fucking-course it would be fucking Tobio. Bitch had always been shipping him and Sasuke for some reason. Why...why? Gods why?
He shook Tobio so hard that he was looking like a squished lemon at the end.
”Oh no, you have been cursed. Quick Naruto follow me.”
Sakura suddenly whispered in his ear. Again? Again? Why was she always whispering. And when was he cursed.
Naruto dropped the palish purple Tobio to the ground and ran away screaming his head off.
Insane, the lot of them! He could already see himself in the mental institution by next year.
After almost an hour of solitude, which Naruto enjoyed the most. He was once again ambushed by a very serious looking Sakura, who was stuffing his mouth with something that smelled very disturbing.
”What is this?”
He shouted exasperated, snatching the-whatever- it was in his hands from his mouth.
“Garlic, salt and chilli sandwich. It wards off evil.”
She looked so concerned that Naruto was about to cry.
”I am not cursed!”
He whined loudly. Naruto felt so sad and angry. He was being tortured and he could not even say no. Because Sakura looked so concerned that it weighed on Naruto’s heart to turn away her kind offer.
So, his eyes filled with tears, Naruto bit into the sandwich. The strong smell of garlic mixed with chillies and the large amount of salt in the food made Naruto’s asshole clench from the tremors it sent down his body, and he was sweating. Bullets of pitiful sweat. He was considering a change in team application.
But Oh, Gods! He might have been truly cursed. Because the worst one of the lot suddenly arrived and hung from Naruto’s shoulder blades.
”Naaaruuutooo~”
A very ecstatic and overly cheerful Sasuke shouted as he smooched Naruto all over his face. And then retched once more because of the Garlic smell.
Naruto smirked. Serves the two-faced insane bitch right.
”Oh,oh...you are so handsome even when you smell of garlic.” Sasuke did a little wiggly dance which made Naruto’s hair stand up on ends.
“Sasuke, please. Stop doing this when we are alone.”
Naruto was tired. He felt like he had been working for a whole year and had finally drained all his chakra.
”What? Why?” Sasuke was into his personal space again and looking at him with big black eyes. Naruto almost thought cute and immediately got a freaking heart attack. What was wrong with him?
”Look, I know we are all childhood friends and we know how you truly are. But it’s sort of exhausting seeing you change faces like a demon.”
”Whaaattt! But I have to keep my cool and mysterious and untouchable attitude in front of everyone because I am the last Uchiha, and everyone expects that of me. But you and Sakura are not everyone.”
Sasuke was looking possibly droopy, like a kicked dog, or an abandoned cat and Naruto’s heart lurched at it. He knew how Sasuke felt like he had to meet expectations and do better than anyone else and that’s why, when he and Sakura were with Sasuke, he would finally unravel his true self to breathe in some fresh air.
But- can his true self not be so damn clingy?
Sasuke continued to latch onto Naruto’s arms and Naruto despite of himself raised his hand to give Sasuke a little pat on his head and Sasuke gave him the biggest smile possible, his pale cheeks becoming rosy with colour.
Cute!
Naruto thought again and this time he did not feel the goosebumps coming. Maybe he was changing as well.
”Ahan! Wrap this around your groin Naruto. Most evil energy originates from there.”
Sakura ran upto them and provided him with some sort of a red thread with barbs? Naruto drew the line there. He might as well get loose motion right now.
Oh shit! His stomach rumbled and he dashed towards the stalls like being chased by a bull.
“Told you, you were cursed!”
Yes...yes! He was starting to believe the same.
“He is late!” Sasuke whined for the fourteenth time as he hugged Naruto closer. Was he a freaking teddy bear?
“He might have drowned in the river. I heard that had happened to some Jounin on the day of meeting his new genin team.”
”Or maybe he is buying strap ons?”
”Or maybe, he is just being held by some work!” Naruto answered through gritted teeth. What sort of things were these two imagining? And Strap ons? Seriously?
”Are those the limited edition skull work ones?”
“Yeah..yeah...and cheetah design ones as well. We should visit the store today, Sakura.” Sasuke was almost jumping on his balls to glomp his best friend...also known as Haruno Sakura.
Yes, they were best friends. God only knew how? But the conversation they were having about strap ons right now made Naruto question his own intelligence. Was he getting infected with something perhaps, because he was suddenly imagining Iruka in strap ons. Naruto shook his head to ward off such disgusting images. He wants to never again be barraged with such images.
The door skid open suddenly. Naruto had God knows why, placed a bucket of paint over the door.
Their new Jounin sensei was currently glaring at them, his head to toe filled with black paint, suspicious looking worms wiggling around on his closed jacket. Sasuke and Sakura cackled madly. Which of the two fucks dropped the worms into the bucket? Naruto shook his head this was going to be disastrous.
“You three...follow me to the roof!”
Their Sensei poofed away.
”Next time use a better quality paint.”
Naruto was startled when his teacher suddenly said something like that.
”Like how Aiko was doing to Miho.“
Who was Aiko? Who was Miho? Naruto was so suddenly out of the loop that his head spun and he looked around to check his surroundings. He doubted he had come to some other dimension.
”Yes, that way Miho would not be able to stop her.”
”Umm, Sensei? Who are these people?”
Naruto asked in a dumb voice.
”You don’t know Aiko and Miho?” His sensei gasped dramatically. “What universe are you from? You do not know about the super, super, super battle of households?”
Naruto was confused. What the fuck was he talking about?
”Sensei is it the uncensored edition?”
Sasuke asked too enthusiastically.
”No...no! Why would you watch that? It’s all blood and gore and sex.”
Their sensei almost rolled on the floor in tears. Naruto’s eyes were bulging out at the moment. He was starting to move backwards towards the door of the rooftop. He was trying to escape. This was too much, too much for his heart.
”And those skeleton bones used in the ritual were of a dog’s.” Sakura provided.
”Wow really? You know a lot.” Their sensei looked impressed.
”Yes...yes and the public sex between Aiko and Osamu was the best.” Sasuke giggled.
”Only if Miho did not catch them and ordered Aiko to clean the entire house.”
”Yes...yes...how could they? Aiko, sweet, sweet Aiko. Her mother-in-law is a first rated witch.”
”Sensei, don’t insult the witches. Roriko is going to become one in the future.”
“Wait...wait, no spoilers. Roriko is still only six.”
Naruto’s brain was becoming mush. He didn’t know which was his feet and which his head.
”What the heck are you all talking about?”
He shouted so loud that the birds on the telephone beams flew off.
”Oh, we were talking about a book turned drama series.”
”It’s about the household life of Aiko her husband Osamu and their daughter Roriko. But Osamu’s mother suddenly arrives and makes Aiko’s life a living hell.” Their sensei was too passionate about some drama series.
”So? How does that even has anything to do with our Ninja training? We are Shinobis not actors. Sensei please, take this seriously!”
Naruto all but pleaded and each one of his audience had the most menacing look on their faces...like he had just insulted their mothers.
”Fine, your names?”
”Uchiha Sasuke!”
”Haruno Sakura!”
”Uzumaki Naruto!”
“Great, I am Hatake Kakashi, good to meet you all and especially you, who is judgemental about people who like drama series.”
”Tomorrow we will have our first mission together. Arrive early and don’t have breakfast.”
With that their sensei gave Naruto the stink eye and disappeared once again. Naruto’s left eye twitched. Was he being called out for stopping a pointless conversation. Well, at least now he could go home now and train some. Naruto cheered up with a big grin on his face and turned to walk away.
But-
“Naaarrruuuutoooo~ let’s go and watch households battle together, the uncensored version. Right Sakura? Naruto, you know nothing about this awesome drama? I didn’t know, otherwise I would have shown you. Let’s go!”
And with that, Naruto was being pulled away by Sakura and Sasuke.
”No...no! I don’t want to watch some family melodrama. Please, let me go home and train!”
Naruto’s shouts were heard even when the night fell and the neighbourhood turned their lights off to sleep.