Chapter Text
A dim shaft of light peeked around the curtain as Faith lifted its corner. The world outside was bathed in burned gold, and the sun was low in the sky, almost ready to set.
Gettin’ towards that time.
“You know, you don’t have to go,” called Anya, leaning against the bedroom door. “You can stay. You can live here with me! In a non-lesbian capacity, of course.”
Faith closed the curtain, and returned to her packing - throwing a top onto the pile and squashing until it fit. She’d lost most of her clothes the last time she’d tried to leave town, so it wasn’t too hard to fit it all in the tattered rucksack she’d borrowed from Anya. “Thanks. But B said I could stay at hers.” ‘Til I find my own place, I guess. “Since you only got the couch, I figure I’m better off there. In a, y’know, fully lesbian capacity.”
“Right. Well, I’m sure Little Miss Depression will be acres of fun.”
Faith winced. Buffy had been pretty down lately. Since the wedding really - but it got worse after Giles left, just a week later. He said it would be best not to change his plans - that it would be easier for everyone if they carried on without him. Buffy didn’t show how distraught she was. Not to his face. She kept up appearances of being just the right level of sadness. She hugged him at the airport, shed a single tear, made him promise to visit often, and promised him in turn that she would be fine - that she had everything she needed, and he didn’t need to worry.
Then she cried all night. Faith had held her for hours, shaking, until the tears stopped, and, then empty, she fell bitterly to sleep.
It was getting better. A little. Day by day, she seemed a little bit happier. Faith kept things going - brought her food, drove Dawn to school, made dumb jokes until she smiled. Faith counted the smiles, and made sure that every day, she beat the last day’s record. It wasn’t much, but it was what she could do.
“Of course,” Anya continued. “You wouldn’t have to move out at all if it wasn't for Xander. If he hadn’t left me at the altar, then I wouldn’t have to move back here. Don’t you just wish you could get him back for that?”
“Mmm.” Faith zipped up the bag and chucked it on the floor, determined not to respond to that. She concentrated on the other bag she’d packed - a picnic hamper of brown wicker.
“I mean, you know Xander. Always thinking about himself, and not what he puts other people through. Boy, I wish someone would make him feel what the rest of us do.”
Faith ignored her to rummage through the hamper, checking off what she needed. Blanket… tickets… letter…
“Or maybe something worse. Maybe he should feel something a little more physical. Something involving chains and hot pokers…”
“Look, Ahn, I know you gotta be in a lotta pain right now…”
“Yes! Pain! Let’s talk about pain.”
“Had enough pain this year - not really interested any more.”
“But don’t you just wish-”
“I don’t . Even if I did, I’m not gonna. I’m not even gonna say the word.” Faith snapped the hamper shut, and turned to face her. “I know, okay? That whole wish-granting demon power? I know you got it back.”
“Oh.” Anya shifted her stance awkwardly. “How?”
It seemed like almost too dumb a question, and it made her laugh. “‘Cos of course you did. You got your heart broken. You thought someone loved you, and then you got dumped. You’re hurtin’ worse than you ever thought you could hurt. ‘Course you go back to your old life. ‘Course you go back to vengeance. It’s what I’d do.” It’s what I did.
“So you get it! You understand why I need this. I need to make Xander suffer. He deserves it for what he did to me.”
“Hey, I’m not gonna say he doesn’t.” As far as Faith was concerned, what Xander had done was, simply put, really shitty. “Don’t blame you for wanting to hurt him.”
“Then why not help me? I need you to make a wish, you see. I can’t enact vengeance on my own behalf, but if you wished for, say, Xander’s head on a big sharp pike…”
“Yeah, I get it.” Buffy had explained it to her, a thousand years ago, when Anya had just been some weird chick at her high school. “I’m still not gonna.”
“Why not?!”
“‘Cos you still love him.” She swung the bag onto her shoulder. “That’s the fucked up thing. It doesn’t matter what he did, you still love him. Now hurting him’s gonna hurt you just as bad. That’s how it works.”
Anya pouted, looking down at the floor, and Faith knew that she wasn’t wrong. “Then what am I supposed to do?”
“You got the Magic Box, right?” It hadn’t been open since the wedding, but she was technically the sole manager now, with Giles gone. “You gotta be looking forward to being in charge of that.”
The demon shrugged a sulky admittance. “I was looking forward to the money and power.”
“See. Vengeance ain’t your only job. Don’t screw yourself by losing this one.” Faith shifted the hamper from one hand to the other. “Look, I might be gone for a bit. But when I get back, I still want a job too. So you gotta keep that place running, else you’re screwing me just as bad.”
Anya didn’t look up straight away. She chewed on her cheek - for one rare moment keeping her thoughts to herself. Just for a moment, before she asked: “Are you gonna slay me?”
Faith blinked. “Shit, I hope not.”
“It’s a possibility. You’re the slayer. I’m a demon. You must have thought about it.”
“Not really, and I don’t plan on it. Demon or human - doesn’t matter. Until you hurt someone, I got no cause to hurt you. Plus…” She picked at the arm of her jacket, looking down. “I don’t wanna fight you. It’s like you said. You’re my friend, right?”
“Historically, that’s not really made a difference.”
“Yeah, well it does now.” Faith glanced towards the window, seeing that the orange of the sunset had faded into the light silver of dusk, reminding her of the time . “I gotta go. Promise me you’ll chill? Keep the vengeance to yourself - ‘til I get back at least?”
“I suppose I can do that.” Anya rolled stubborn eyes. “For a friend.”
“Cool. Then we’re five by five.” Faith grinned, and headed to the door.
“What would you have wished for?” Anya called out just as Faith’s hand was on the knob. “I’d just like to know. If I can’t have vengeance, then I’d at least like to enjoy the cathartic fantasy of it.”
The slayer cocked her head curiously. “I could wish for anything, right? No limits?”
“Anything,” confirmed the demon with an avid nod.
I wish B never died. I wish she never had to come back. I wish I’d never hurt her. I wish I’d kissed her the day we met. I wish everything was different. I wish nothing would ever change.
“Wishing’s for suckers,” she said at last. “I’ll stick with what I got.”
*
The sky was bright that night. Starlight beat down, reflecting off the dark waves of the sea, illuminating Faith as she knelt in the sand. She opened the hamper, took out a blanket checkered in red and white, laid it out neatly, and placed a candle at its center. It fell over, so she gathered some wet sand, packing it around the candle to keep it in place. From her jacket pocket she drew a lighter to light the candle - and then a cigarette, from which she took a drag, blowing a firm streak of smoke into the cloudless night sky. Sitting cross-legged on the blanket, Faith looked out over the ink-blue ocean, and waited for her to come.
She arrived before the cigarette was finished. Faith sensed her. She heard the familiar ringing first - the sound that was not quite a sound, like microphone feedback. Then a scent caught her nose - lemon and clean laundry, carried to her by the coastal breeze. Then, finally, she heard her footsteps. Faith smiled, and stubbed the cigarette out in the sand.
“Knew you’d come.”
Buffy was there when she turned around - dressed in sweatpants, a white tank top, and a slouchy gray hoodie. Her hair was scraped messily behind her ears, and she looked like maybe she hadn’t washed her face, or showered at all. Fucking beautiful as always .
“I got your message. What’s with the cryptic meetup?” She glanced down at the rug, and the candle. “What is this?”
“Surprise, B. We’re finally getting that date.”
A smile broke slowly over Buffy’s face - first as thin as the horizon, and then gradually opening up into a sunrise grin as she padded over to take a seat on the blanket. “You did all this? Did you…” She eyed the hamper suspiciously. “Did you cook?”
“Nah, I wouldn’t do that to ya’.” Faith grinned, and pulled two items from the hamper - a polystyrene cup she handed to Buffy, and a box she took for herself. “Figured takeaway was better. Got you some blood. Not warm, sorry, but it’s fresh. And I got these from the same butchers.” She opened up her box, displaying a delicious row of braised pork ribs, with a pot of barbecue sauce.
“Huh. We’re using all parts of the pig. Can’t say we’re not efficient.”
“Yeah, efficiency. Plus, I just really like ribs.”
Buffy gave her a curious smile. “I remember. Faith, this is…” she gestured to the picnic again. “This is really sweet.”
“Hey, you should know by now, I’m sweet as hell.”
“I actually do know that.”
Faith blushed. “Plus, I figured you could use a break. You’ve been so down lately. With the wedding, and Giles… You deserve something good.”
A guilty slump fell over Buffy then, and she shrugged. “I’ll be fine. It’s been a lot, but you don’t have to worry about me.”
“Yeah, but I’m gonna, so suck it up.” She pulled loose one rib, and swirled it idly around in the sauce. “Moved out of Anya’s today. Got my bag, so if the offer still stands to crash at yours…”
“I cleared out a drawer,” Buffy interjected. “For your stuff. So yeah, the offer still stands. If you still want to.”
“Yeah.” Faith pulled at her own hair, looking down at the sand. “Yeah, sounds good.”
Buffy blushed, and took a sip of her blood before speaking again. “How’s Anya doing anyway?”
“She’s a demon.”
“I know she can be difficult, but-”
“Nah, I mean literally. She got her powers back. She’s a demon again.”
“Oh.” Buffy’s eyes bugged. “Oh my god. We should… do something. About that. Right?”
“Like what?”
Buffy deflated like a balloon. “I have no idea. Everything that happened with Xander… I don’t even know how to feel about it. I can’t exactly blame her for wanting a little justice.”
Faith shrugged. “S’all good. I talked to her. Made her see that she’s a life outside all that.”
“You think she’ll listen to you?”
“Dunno. I hope so.”
“Me too.” Buffy looked down for a second, forlorn, before she swiveled around, adjusting herself so that her back was to Faith, then shuffled back to nestle against her chest. Faith instinctively draped her arms around her and pulled her close.
“It never stops, does it?” whispered the blonde from her arms. “Tara, the wedding, Giles, now this… there’s always something.”
“Guess that’s life,” she shrugged. “Unlife too.”
“Yeah. Unlife’s a bitch. I mean, I’m very much not looking to end it or anything.. but if it could just pause , that would be nice. I need a break from life. Just for a bit.”
“Hardest thing in the world is to live in it.” Faith smirked. “Someone told me that once.”
“She sounds smart.” Buffy smiled as Faith pressed a kiss into the corner of her mouth. She seemed to relax a little in her arms, which Faith was deeply grateful for. “Can I have one of your ribs?” she chirped a moment later, already reaching into the box as she asked.
“What’s mine is yours, B. You still get the craving for human stuff?”
“When I’m in the mood. Plus, this is perfect for dipping.” Faith’s eyes widened as Buffy took a rib and, no shit, dunked it into her blood. It dripped red as she pulled it out, wrapped her lips around it, sucking blood and barbecue sauce off the meat, which she then stripped off the bone with hungry teeth. Enchanted by the disgusting display, enamour fell on Faith’s face.
Buffy noticed her gaze then. “Don’t judge me.”
“Not judgin’.” Love gave way to curiosity. “But if I gotta share, then so do you.” She grabbed a rib of her own, and leaned over Buffy’s shoulder to dunk it in her blood.
“No, you are not gonna… oh, for real?” Buffy’s eyes filled with equal parts horror and amusement as Faith brought the rib to her mouth, taking a greedy bite that she instantly regretted. The meat was still good, but the blood was extremely not. It tasted like salt gone had somehow rancid, and almost made her retch
“Shit. That’s wicked gross,” confirmed Faith, stubbornly forcing it down her throat. “You really prefer this stuff?”
“You do remember the vampirism, right? It leads to the unusual diet.”
“Yeah, no kidding.” Faith drank a gulp of the sauce straight, to wash the taste from her mouth, making Buffy giggle.
“Seriously, why would you even do that?”
“I was curious! I wanna know what it’s like being you.”
Buffy shook her head disbelievingly. “You’re insane.”
“Huh. That’s exactly what my prison therapist said.”
The way she looked at Faith then was simple and strange. She looked at Faith like Faith was worth looking at. She could look anywhere else, and she was choosing to look at her. And then, she said three words, like they were the most stupidly obvious words in the world.
“I love you.”
“Yeah.” A warmth bloomed in Faith’s chest. “ Yeah, I know.”
Buffy bowed her head to press a kiss into the closest part of Faith she could find. “I know you know. But I want to say it anyway. I wanted to say it before. I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m trying harder, on the whole communication thing, I am.”
“B, you seriously don’t have to apologize. If anyone’s gonna, it should be me. I shoulda told you earlier. Years earlier. Took you dying to get it out of my mouth.”
“I guess dying has some upsides.”
“Yeah, it gets a bad rep.”
“But still. I’m saying it now. If this whole thing with Xander and Anya has taught me anything, it’s that nothing good comes from bottling stuff up. It’s not enough to just know it. You gotta say it too.” She turned to look up at her, and brushed a gentle thumb over her face, where her cheek met her mouth. “And I mean it. This is love. Real love. The kind of love that you’re in.”
Faith leaned down, held her breath as she pushed a kiss against her lips, and then let it loose with a whisper as she pulled away. “I love you too, B.” She smiled as Buffy kissed her again. It was the first time she’d ever said it with the ‘too’.
Buffy kept kissing her and Faith realized, as her hand was lifting to run through her hair, that she was pushing her backwards onto the blanket. She let herself fall and pulled Buffy with her, holding her tight, feeling Buffy’s weight as she pressed kisses down onto her lips. Waves rolled and steadily crashed, and each kiss seemed to come in time with them, and with equal force.
They broke apart, minutes later, so Faith could catch her breath. Which she would’ve, if it hadn’t been taken away when she looked up at saw Buffy there, against the backdrop of the night sky. She shone in among the stars; the crescent moon cresting around one perfect cheek, a little ocean spray in her hair. Faith took a moment to lie there, pressed into the sand, gazing up at her - the girl of her dreams, looking like the sea itself had tossed her out to land there on top of her.
“You know…” Buffy’s voice turned sultry, and Faith felt fingers hook underneath the hem of her pants. “We’re all alone, here on this beach, and we’ve already got this blanket…”
“Damn,” hissed Faith, leaning into Buffy’s teasing mouth. “You know I never wanna stop you doing that…but if we do, there’s a chance we miss the boat.”
Buffy pulled back, cocking an eyebrow. “Is that a metaphor?”
Faith shook her head, grinning, and pushed a reluctant Buffy off of her, so she could sit up and explain. “Picnic’s not the only surprise. I have this other thing. And if you think it’s dumb or whatever, then we don’t have to, but I thought… I dunno, maybe it could be fun.
“Docks are a half mile that way.” She pointed over to the west. “And in about an hour, there’s a boat leaving, and I got us a room on it. Cargo ship, nothing fancy. But there’s cabins below deck, and I talked to the captain, slipped him a little bribe… he’s set it up, with a blood fridge and everything. We could stay down there for weeks.”
Buffy looked confused. “And do what exactly?” she asked, and blushed noncommittally when Faith waggled her eyebrows. “OK, which sounds like some fun weeks, but why do it on a boat?”
“It’s about where the boat’s going. See, everything that’s been going on, I figured you could use a holiday, and that’s where we’re going. We’ve earned a break. I got some money saved up from the Magic Box, so hotel’s on me.”
Buffy bit her lip. “Faith, I can’t just up and leave on holiday. We’ve got lives here. We’ve got a hellmouth to watch. Sacred destiny, remember?”
“And we’ve earned a break from that too! Willow can watch the hellmouth, and we can come back if anything apocalyptic goes down.”
“What about Dawn? I can’t just leave her.”
“Yeah, she figured you’d say that.” Faith reached into the hamper, pulled out the letter, and handed it to a perplexed Buffy. “Go on, read it.”
She scanned it, and then, once done, fixed Faith with a nonplussed stare.
“What’s it say?” grinned Faith, knowing exactly what it said.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Buffy. Faith is going to invite you on a trip, and you’re going to say no, and use me as an excuse to not go, when it’s actually because you don’t think you deserve it, because you’re weirdly ascetic and allergic to having fun. Don’t! I’ll be fine - Tara and Willow are here, and anyway, I’m almost sixteen and basically an adult. If you don’t go, you’ll regret it, because this is your one chance in your life to actually do something cool. Plus, you deserve this, and we want you to have it, because we love you I guess. Dawn.” She looked at Faith with appal. “‘Ascetic?!”
“Hey, her words, not mine!”
She gave a wry grin and a shake of her head that was less firm than it was before. “OK, I get it. I can, theoretically, have a holiday." She paused. "Wait, holiday where? Where does this boat go anyway?”
A little heat crept up in her cheeks. “Goes all over. Round the coast, over to Europe. It’s got a few stops over there. We could get off at any of them.”
“Faith… where does it go?” She asked with purpose, in a way that forced Faith to look her right in the eye.
“Italy.”
There was quiet for a few moments - no sound but the gentle breathing of the sea. A nostalgic smile trickled out from the corner of Buffy’s mouth. “I’ve never been. I had a dream about it once. But I’m not sure that counts.”
“Me neither,” blushed Faith. “You’re right, dreams don’t count. So I figured, we’ve had enough dreaming. Time for real life. You and me, B. Italy. For real.”
Buffy slipped her hand into Faith’s. “You know this is real, right? I love you, Faith, and I’ll love you wherever we are. You don’t need to take me round the world for that.”
Faith squeezed the hand gently. “I get it.”
“Do you? Because, again, prefacing with the fact of me loving you - you do have a… tendency towards running away. Is that what this is?”
“No.” She said it firmly, knowing deep in her gut that it really wasn't. “We’re not running away, not for good. I got a life here now. We’ve got a life here. And it’s a life I really fucking like. So, yeah, I wanna come back to that.”
“You’re not gonna get bored and want to run away to Belize next month?”
“Yeah, I promise. ‘Cos I know you have a thing about people leaving, and I swear, I’m never gonna do that to ya’.”
“You promise?”
“You don’t trust me?”
“I’d trust you with anything. I’m just saying, with everything that’s happened… I wouldn’t entirely blame you.” She looked down at her hands, twisting one finger in her palm. “I know I can’t be the easiest person to love sometimes.”
That made Faith laugh. She couldn’t help herself - it just burst from her lips. Buffy furrowed a questioning brow.
“You’re kidding me, right?” When Buffy’s brow remained furrowed, Faith shook her head. “Loving you is easy, B. So easy. Easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s so easy, I did it by accident. It’s, y’know, everything else that’s hard.”
Buffy didn’t say anything then. She looked out on the ocean. The two of them sat in silence, watching the tide come creeping ever closer.
“Fuck it.”
Faith raised an eyebrow. “Fuck it?”
“Fuck it. Let’s do it.”
“By it, you mean…”
“Italy. You’re right, we’ve got the rest of our lives to do the living thing. We’ve earned a little fun.”
A grin erupted on her face. “You sure? ‘Cos you don’t have to, we could go back now and-”
“I want to. I mean, we did just have a wedding. Someone should get to have a honeymoon too.”
“Yeah, I mean, Xander and Anya were thinking about going to Italy.”
“Somehow I don’t think they’ll make it.” Buffy gave a glum smile, and then admitted: “I’ve been thinking about them a lot. You were right, I kinda over-identified there. I thought if they could be happy, then so could I. I was wrong. Their relationship wasn’t that perfect. In the end, they just weren’t meant to be.”
“And then I got thinking about us. That’s why I couldn’t say it. I was scared that maybe we’d end up the same way. Maybe we weren’t meant to be. I mean, we weren’t even meant to meet. We definitely weren’t meant to fall in love. And I don’t think anyone in their right mind would call our history perfect. Let’s be real, Faith - it was never meant to be us.”
Faith’s heart almost dropped, but a squeeze from Buffy’s hand told her to look at her, and she caught herself in eyes full of furious truth. “But I’m glad it is.”
She looked right back into those eyes, and smiled. Me too, B. Me fucking too.
Buffy leapt to her feet, grinning. “So where in Italy? Because I was thinking Rome - Pantheon, Colosseum, gelato on the beach… But then I was thinking romantic moonlight gondola ride, and that’s like… Venice, right?”
“Gonna be honest with you, B.” Faith jumped up to meet her. “I got no clue.”
“Right. Then we’ll work it out when we’re there. Live in the moment. But definitely gelato, right?”
“Hell yeah. Gelato.” Whatever that is. Buffy grabbed her hands, and Faith kissed her grinning lips.
As they pulled apart, a seriousness fell over Faith, and something made her look away, over the long expanse of ocean. “It scares me sometimes. You and me… life… all of it. I dunno what scares me more - that we might lose it, or that we got it in the first place. Do you get that?”
“I think… I know exactly what you mean.”
A question pressed up from the tight of her throat, and her voice dropped to a whisper, barely audible. “You think we’ll make it?”
There was silence. The ocean seemed to breathe in long, heavy waves. The moon hid itself behind a thicket of dark clouds.
Then Buffy smiled. She stretched out a hand towards Faith, and as she took it, they both felt a tingle in the back of their teeth.
*
The tide followed slowly behind two pairs of footsteps. Near as soon as marks appeared, the washing waves lifted them from the sand. The night grew darker as it stretched on - the stars following the moon into the thick, murky grey. The girls on the beach could barely see each others’ face - so they kept hold of each others’ hand, never dropping it, making their way half-blind along the coast, to the docks, where their ship awaited.
Huge and gray, it cut ghostlike, silent through the water. The only light came from a porthole glowing orange on its side - a single bright pinprick amongst the dark. Then that light too was extinguished, as someone pulled the shutter inside the cabin, to hide from the oncoming rays of dawn. Inside that cabin, hidden below decks, two bodies held each other through the night, skin pressed against bare skin. There was no sound except the echo of a kiss against a forehead. The ship took them onwards, over the ocean, tangled in each others’ arms, borne safely on the endless rolling waves.