b0_ne5
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hyunjin never really got it when Felix asked him 'why do you keep doing this' he could never give an answer, he still can't give an answer. He'll probably never be able to. Chan doesn't ask him why he does the things he does, chan is not Felix. chan does drugs with him, chan drinks with him until they pass out, and chan goes to every party with him. chan does not skip meals chan believes in eating right, chan does not throw up until every ounce of grime is gone he'd be disgusted to find out his 'boyfriend' needs to be empty to feel clean, and chan does not cut his skin and try to crawl out because chan does not want ugly scars. chan would hate hyunjin if he found out he had dirt throughout every inch of him and scars that litter every space on his disgusting body wouldn't he because chan is not crazy chan is not dirty chan is not broken chan is a normal college second year that likes his party's and likes his drugs because chan is a normal guy with a broken boy for a 'boyfriend'.
until chan is not so normal and suddenly felix's warmth is all that matters whilst chan simply burns him. -
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hyunjin knows his entire world will change should these secrets escape him. he knows everything he has worked so hard for will crumble.
in his dreams he isn't like this. in his dreams he is the real him and everyone can know the real him. he wishes he could be locked in his dreams forever to the point they become his reality.
he needs everyone to know he is more then this. it means more then this. -
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lee know was 13 when his brother gave him his first lot of 'medicine' he was still 13 when his brother upgraded him from 'medicine' to something that'll 'help'. now he's 15 and he knows it was never medicine but he can't deny that the 'helper' did its job. it did help and that's why he never gave it up. even after his brother left and stopped giving him the 'helper' he still found a way. he knew his brother's friends after all. then he made his own friends who gave him new helpers. sometimes he liked to believe it was 'medicine' I mean if it did help then surely it can count as medicine right? He believed it did anyway and that was enough. when given the opportunity to upgrade from cigarettes to weed he embraced it. when given the opportunity to upgrade from Molly to Coke he took it. now he didn't overly want an upgrade he was pretty content with Coke. sure he tried other things but it wasn't the same.
most people wouldn't assume he was easily influenced but oh how wrong they would be. he doesn't care about how fucked up he is or how he acts or how people perceive him. why should he?
until he meets people that make him care. -
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it wasn't fair. why does he have to share his room with the new guy? he had a room to himself that's how it's supposed to be. the company might not make any exceptions for him or give him any help but the one thing they did do was give him a room to himself. but now there's a new guy? someone new joining the group. a whole new person to fit into his routine which was already going to be hell but now he had to share a room. they would touch his stuff and leave their stuff everywhere. they'd get in his space. hyunjin does not share rooms.
if he told everyone he was autistic he would still have to share a room so that was out of the window, despite what min was saying. this seemed like a nightmare. everyone was already calling him dramatic, and selfish for saying he needs to have the room to himself even though he's the only person who isn't sharing so realistically this new member has to go into his room anyway. the only person who gets it is minho. he gets it and he's helping. min wants hyunjin to tell everyone; he says it'll make it better and they might be able to work something out. it won't. everyone will just baby him, treat him like he isn't hyunjin.