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Barry knew something was wrong when he came back from Flashpoint. He had tried to fix the timeline, but he had broken it. God, he thinks, I wish I was dead.
Barry didn’t need Cisco to remind him that he had broken the timeline, he could do that all by himself. Cisco had started pushing him away now. That’s fine, it makes what I want to do a lot easier. Barry thinks. Barry moves out of Cisco’s apartment, getting his own as he gives him space.
He shuts people out after that. If he didn’t allow himself to care about people, then he couldn’t make the same mistake twice. Did Cisco even notice that Barry was hurting too? Whatever, he didn’t deserve him anyway.
Barry ends up getting hurt, and his first instinct is to call out for Cisco, but then he remembers that Cisco was the one that had hurt him, so he doesn’t call out for anyone. Eventually, he passes out from the pain, waking up hours later to a place he could no longer call home: Star Labs.
Barry feels hollow here, this wasn’t a home, not anymore.
Still, a part of it feels like home, and that’s why he keeps putting himself in danger, hoping that one day it might actually kill him, and all of this can go away.
- The Dominators
It’s a tempting thought, the thought of dying.
What good was Barry’s life, versus the lives of so many people?
Everything he touches, he breaks. Everything he touches, dies, and for once, he can be next. He can die.
Cisco. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I break everything that I touch. I’m sorry that I can’t do anything right. I’m sorry that I got Dante killed, but most of all, I’m sorry that I gave up.
Do me a favor? Please don’t try to stop me. Please just forget about me. Please don’t try to save me.
I don’t want to live anymore, and this way, you can have your vengeance.
“We're not letting you sacrifice yourself. There's no way. I don't care if that's what it means to be a hero. You're not a hero to me. You're my friend.” Cisco protests.
- Drowning
It was one of their early morning runs when Barry decides to run faster. Eventually he finds a large body of water, flashing his way into the water. You know they say that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to go? You just… go to sleep. Sleeping is fine and all, it’s the waking up that’s the problem. Turns out they were right when they said that drowning was peaceful. Barry didn’t even try to save himself, watching as the surface slowly disappeared as he allowed himself to drown. It was five minutes later when Wally pulls him out of the water, desperately performing chest compressions as he tried to get Barry breathing again. It was then that he switched to rescue breathing, sighing with relief when Barry started breathing again.
- The Experiment
Have you ever stopped to think about time travel? More specifically, about what would happen if you killed yourself in the past? One theory suggests that time is linear, and as such killing yourself in the past would wipe you out of existence. Another theory suggests that time is malleable, meaning that it would only kill your past self. It wouldn't hurt you.
Barry decides to test this theory. First, he runs back in time to before he woke up from the coma. Slowly, he walked over to his past self, vibrating his hand through his heart until it stopped completely.
Spoilers: Time is malleable.
- Rat Poison
Did you know that Barry had saved Oliver’s life with Rat Poison once? It sounds crazy, right? How ironic was it that Barry was alone in the Arrow Cave with lots of rat poison at his disposal?
Slowly he opened one of the boxes, squeezing one of the empty needles inside the poison, filling them up with enough poison from the inside of the box. Once he did that, he injects the needles to his wrists, forcing the poison into his blood stream.
“Oh my God!” Felicity screams, running over to Barry.
“Oliver get your ass over here! Barry tried to poison himself with rat poison!” She screams.
“What?” Oliver shrieks, grabbing as much charcoal as he possibly could as he forces it into Barry’s blood stream.
Barry started vomiting, the charcoal forcing the poison out of his system. The last thing Barry remembers is how awful charcoal tastes.
- Gunshot
Barry was at work when his vision slowed to a crawl. A bullet was heading towards Captain Singh. Barry didn’t even bother to hide his speed, using it to jump in front of Singh as the bullet hits him instead.
“Oh God!” Cisco gasps, staring at the bullet embedded in Barry’s body.
“Stay with me Allen! Don’t die on me!” Julian panics.
Barry barely remembers the incident, other than the blinding pain from having the bullet removed from his body. He wanted to die, can’t they see that?