Chapter Text
This is such a bad idea, Emma thought as she peered into her bedroom mirror and made the last adjustments on her wig.
Casting a final critical eye, the Sheriff appraised herself: layered, shoulder-length raven hair, black blazer, tight black pencil shirt, crisp white Oxford shirt - straining at the third button - and four-inch black stilettos.
Her makeup was pronounced and vivid, two adjectives never associated with the face of Emma Swan. Smooth powder foundation set the scene with defined light-pink blush hugging her cheekbones. Heavy black eyeliner, mascara and deep rose-red lipstick with maroon liner provided stark definition. The pièce de résistance – brown contacts picked up at a Halloween outlet two towns over.
"Well, well, well," a voice innocently drawled behind her, "if it isn't Madame Mayor."
Emma spun around, eyes narrowed in suspicion and anger to provide the full effect.
Ruby gaped, then howled with laughter. "That is fucking perfect!"
"You think so?" Emma looked so similar to Regina, it was eerie to hear the blonde's voice come out of the ex-Mayor's mouth.
"I know so. Your mom's gonna die."
Emma shut off her bedroom light and headed downstairs, Ruby right behind.
"Well, I hope not, although that would be right in line with the costume."
Emma crossed the room, heading to the kitchen island to grab her purse – another costume accessory. She had to borrow it from Snow, Emma certainly didn't have one. ("Why do you need my black purse?" Snow asked suspiciously. "You'll see." "That's what I'm afraid of.")
"Are you sure it's not too much?"
"What? It's the funniest thing I've seen in forever."
"I don't know." The Savior shrugged. "I just…I mean, she is Henry's mother. It's not kicking her when she's down, is it?"
"Do you think Regina ever worried about kicking someone when they were down?"
Emma nodded her head in agreement, feeling slightly less guilty. "Good point."
"Plus, it's not like she's going to see it, she won't be there. I guarantee it, you'll be the hit of the party."
When Ruby floated the idea of a Halloween party three weeks earlier, Emma jumped on board. After the unwanted adventures in the Enchanted Forrest, which fell right on the heels of the curse breaking and the ensuing general chaos, everyone needed a good reason to celebrate. And by "celebrate", Ruby meant get drunk and let loose, two things to which Emma had no objection and could solidly support. It had been such a long time since she had done either.
The party was the talk of the town since it was decided and Emma spent a good two weeks trying to find the perfect costume. Nothing enticed her, until one evening when she dropped Henry off at Regina's for a visit and found the former mayor in a mood. Emma had no idea what caused it, only that at the moment she was the recipient of all of Regina's ill will and vitriol.
Tired of fighting, especially since she didn't know what Regina was so wound up about, Emma let the woman vent. She simply stood there, mind wandering, as the brunette ranted and raved.
Emma looked contrite and added an "Um hmm" here and an "OK" there, studying Henry's mother and silently wondering when she could leave. She took in the petite woman, still resplendent in her mayoral finery despite the fact she was essentially deposed. Blazer. Pencil skirt. White blouse. Heels.
The image hit her brain so hard she nearly reared her head back. Now that's a costume.
"OK," she said genially, taking her leave regardless of whether the woman was finished. "I gotta go. I have shopping to do."
Emma snapped out of her reverie, turned and looked at her friend. She had been so preoccupied with her costume, she didn't get a good look at Ruby's.
"Playing against type?" the blonde asked, confusion on her face.
The long, leggy woman stood in front of her every inch…Mother Superior? Ruby wore a royal blue cloak, buttoned at the neck and covering her completely to the calves. Tan pantyhose encased her legs and sensible, black, old-lady loafers completed the sedate ensemble. Her sleek, jet-black locks was swept into a conservative up-do.
"Well, I am a mother," she smirked. "And quite superior."
With a flourish, she flipped the cape back over her shoulders to reveal the rest of her outfit: The nun's trademark Peter Pan collar hugged her neck, topping a skin-tight white halter top that ended just below her generous chest. The smooth, taut planes of Ruby's abs gave way to the shortest, tightest pair of white hot pants Emma had ever seen.
"Slutty Mother Superior? Seriously?" Emma laughed. "Blue probably has the nuns in chapel right now lighting candles and praying for your sinful soul."
"Thank the gods," she replied, covering herself in the cloak once again. "I need all the help I can get."
Emma pushed off the kitchen island and headed for the front door to leave.
"This is such a bad idea," she said, unsure if she was reminding herself, asking her friend or both. It was fun in a wicked way, pretending to be Regina for a night, but there was still that underpinning of dread. Was it guilt? She had no idea, regardless, she remembered what Ruby said - it wasn't like her doppelganger was going to be there. No one had invited the former Evil Queen to the party, and Emma knew even if they did she certainly would never show up.
"That only means one thing," Ruby noted as she walked out the door. "It's such a bad idea, it's actually good."
XXXX
Snow walked into The Rabbit Hole on David's arm with a broad smile.
The already-dark bar seemed even gloomier, decorated for the party with lit pumpkins (fire laws be damned), cobwebs hanging from the ceiling and a black light here and there.
Granted, most of the attendees had actually seen real witches, werewolves, spirits and the like, so the decorations were more cute than intimidating. But it was fun. And, Snow mused, this town sorely needs some fun.
Word about the party spread quickly among the town's adults; all except for one. Despite the fact that she recently saved Snow and Emma from their former land – at great danger to herself – Regina was still persona non grata everywhere she went. Emma had tried to include her at the impromptu Welcome Back party at Granny's but it backfired and was awkward for all parties, to say the least.
Instead of forcing the issue of peaceful coexistence, Emma uncharacteristically decided to let it develop in its own time. She would treat the reforming Regina with respect and decency (except for tonight, of course) and hoped the others would eventually follow suit.
So while every adult in Storybrooke was tearing it up at the bar tonight, the former Evil Queen was ensconced in her mansion, none the wiser, happily welcoming her son for an overnight visit.
What she doesn't know won't hurt her, Snow realized. Or, more importantly, my family.
Snow followed David to the bar for a drink, but before she reached it she felt a presence at her back.
"Just where do you think you're going, Miss Blanchard?" a low alto voice hissed smoothly in her ear.
Although Snow hadn't been addressed as such in months, the tone, tenor and epithet meant only one person. A chill instinctively ran up the brunette's spine, the tiny hairs on her neck standing at attention. Her stomach dropped as she slowly turned and found Regina right behind her, hands on her hips, scowling. Wait, something's not…
"Emma?"
The look on Snow's face was classic. The royal bad-ass archer had been instantaneously replaced by horrified, meek, virginal Mary Margaret. Emma wished she had a camera, but then quickly felt guilty that she so terrified her mother she broke character and started howling with laughter.
"Em…Emma? EMMA!" Snow held her hand over her heart in a failed attempt to calm the hammering. "How could you? That is not funny!"
"Hey…" she explained defensively, wiping tears out of her eyes, "…costumes are supposed to be scary. Oh, shit, my makeup."
"Well, this is just…excessive, honey." The woman narrowed her gaze as she examined her daughter. "Gods, you look so much like her. Are you trying to kill me?"
Emma smirked and shrugged her shoulders. "Comes with the costume."
Ruby sauntered out of the shadows, hooting so hard she actually snorted. "Jesus, Snow. That was classic. You looked like you were going to wet your pants." The schoolteacher eyed her friend accusingly.
"Were you in on this?" Ruby held up her hands, palms out. "I knew about it, but your daughter dreamt it up. You're more to blame than me, you lent her the purse."
"Don't remind me."
Charming walked up dressed as Paul Bunyon, a fake beard on his face, two mugs of punch in his hand and a question on his lips. "Snow, have you seen…"
He pulled up quick at the sight of the ex-mayor, the drinks sloshing over the sides of the steins. He opened his mouth to speak, baffled as to why Regina was here and grinning at his wife. Charming instinctively reached across his body only to find his hip - no sword. "What's the mean—"
"Hey, David."
The prince's mouth opened as he heard his daughter's voice and the realization slowly washed over him. "That's…that's just wrong," he noted, clearly displeased.
"Sorry. I thought it was pretty funny." Maybe this costume was a bad idea.
David walked up alongside Snow, handing her a drink. He placed an arm around her shoulder, rubbing hers slowly in reassurance.
Emma eyed her parents sincerely. "I'm sorry, you guys," she apologized again, reaching for Snow's hand. The sentiment lost some of its effectiveness coming from a person dressed as someone who repeatedly tried to kill them. "If I knew it would freak you out so much, I would have picked something else."
"Speaking of which," Ruby turned to Snow, cocking her head, "what are you supposed to be?"
The brunette smiled in self-satisfaction, clad in yellow rubber head to toe: suspenders, pants, jacket and giant hat.
"A lobsterman!" she chirped.
"That's pretty geeky, Snow, even for you."
"Me? You're dressed as Mother Superior."
Ruby's lips parted in a wolfish grin as she flung back her cloak with a cackle.
Charming's eyes bugged out and a faint, "Whoa" escaped his lips.
Snow wheezed, eyebrows close to her hairline. "No offense – and I love you both - but I can't handle one more second staring at my daughter dressed as Regina and Ruby an inch away from public indecency."
Snow grabbed her husband's arm, shaking her head at the pair as they left to mingle. "We'll see you later."
"My first Halloween with my parents and I've horrified them," Emma observed sheepishly as she watched the couple walk away.
"Mission accomplished, I'd say." Ruby adjusted her cloak and threaded her arm through Emma's. "Now, let's get a drink."
The women walked up to the bar to find Leroy dispensing punch out of a black cauldron, dry ice wafting menacingly.
"Well, this is rich," Emma sneered in her best Regina impression. "The town drunk ladling out alcohol."
Leroy looked up from the cauldron, his face impassive. "Fuck you, you frigid bitch." He filled two tankards and when he looked up, his face was split into a grin. "Man, I have always wanted to say that."
"You're welcome," Emma replied lightly.
"Here you go, sister." Leroy was sporting a black T-shirt that proclaimed "COSTUME" in white block letters as he handed Emma a large mug, then turned to Ruby with a leer, her drink and a nod of his head. "Mother."
The wolf raised an eyebrow and opened her cape.
Leroy whistled low and slow in appreciation. "I'll convert for you, anytime."
Ruby sipped her drink with a satisfied "Mmmmmm" then sauntered off to tend to her wayward flock. Emma followed suit with a big pull off the mug, only to find herself immediately gasping and coughing.
"Jesus Christ, Leroy! What is this?"
"They call it Dutchman," he explained, as if she asked the sum of 2 + 2. "Legend has it it's the cure for all your troubles. But over here…" his voice dropped to a rumbling whisper, "they also use it to strip paint down at the docks."
"What's in it?" Emma grimaced, the memory of chimera bubbling to the surface as she peered into the glass.
"Mostly grain alcohol. Some fruit punch. And other stuff, but it's really the first two that do the job."
"What job? Causing blindness?"
Leroy gave her a thoughtful stare. "Don't rule it out. This drink is, like, a-hundred-and-ninety proof."
Emma took another sip, hoping it got better. "Looks like it stunts your growth, too."
"Ha, ha, sunshine. Drink up." He paused for a second, his grey eyes crinkling at the corners. "You deserve it."
I do, Emma realized. So, she did.
XXXX
Two large mugs of Dutchman later, Emma had few coherent thoughts except for one, This was such a great idea.
Role-playing with Leroy was so much fun, she took her traveling one-woman bitch-queen act around the bar, greeting revelers in pure, unadulterated Mayor Mills fashion, leveling icy glares and cutting remarks at every person she saw.
Emma insulted, jeered and taunted her way from group to group. She narrowed her eyes and lifted her top lip in disgust at each person, cutting all to the quick just as Regina would. Emma was eerily good at it, perhaps from being on the business end of so much of the woman's venom herself.
"Regina" would slander the subject, who would then respond in an alarmingly-thorough array of profanity and vulgar suggestions. Then both ex-Mayor and citizen would laugh uproariously, followed by a clap on the shoulder, a job well done.
Emma had just finished blasting Happy as a "vertically-challenged moronic imbecile" when she was jostled from behind. She wheeled around to find Archie.
"You idiotic bug," she spat slowly. "Watch where you are going or I will crush you beneath my heel like the pathetic insect you are."
"Oh, uh…hi, um, Emma?"
"Really?" The blonde's voice had returned to normal. "That's all you've got?"
"Well, I'm not going to yell at you, if that's what you want."
Emma's head cocked in confusion as she took in a glasses-less Archie sporting a white beard, wearing a three-piece suit and holding a cigar. "Who are you supposed to be, one of the cough-drop guys?"
"Who? No, I'm Freud."
"Huh. So, you don't want to yell at me? Tell me off?"
"Um, no," he reached to adjust his glasses out of habit, only to realize they weren't there. "I've made my peace with the past…and Regina."
"It's OK. We're all having fun." Emma brandished a big grin and waved her stein of Dutchman. It was true, everyone was having a grand time. The bar was packed, everyone was drinking, dancing and laughing – normal, healthy pursuits for this tiny, abnormal town.
"Everyone's having their say without getting fireball-pelted to Hell." She paused for a moment, then her face lit up. "Hey, it's like free therapy. I'm gonna put you out of a job." She giggled as she gave Archie a friendly punch on the shoulder, which caused her to stagger sideways, her balance falling victim to the potent drink.
The therapist reached for Emma's blazer-clad arm to steady her. "I wouldn't hang your shingle just yet," he said cautiously. "And take it easy on the punch, it's quite potent."
Emma raised the tankard to her lips and her eyebrows in agreement as she turned to find her next victim, only to discover her mug was empty. She found herself in a happy, drunken haze, in which everything was funny, everyone was a friend and nothing hurt. It would tomorrow, for sure. But now, right now, everything was wonderful and carefree, and Emma did not want it to end.
"This will not do!" she yelled imperiously as she stalked over to the bar for a refill. "Leroy, you cretinous troll, fetch me another drink."
The miner was nowhere to be found, so Emma climbed atop the bar to look for him in the crowd. When the party-goers got a gander at their ex-Mayor high above them, they began to heckle, boo and yell - all with huge smiles on their faces. Everyone, that is, except for Snow White, who was desperate to get her daughter off the bar.
She was worried the drunk woman was going to kill herself, standing on a wet bar in four-inch heels. Truth be told, a sober Emma wasn't so great with heels of any height on level, bare pavement. And to add insult to potential injury, Snow was quickly turning red at the filthy suggestions her friends were hurling at her only child, even though in jest.
"Emma. Emma, get down! You're going to hurt yourself."
Emma looked down at her tiny mother - encased in yellow rubber, her face so earnest beneath a gigantic fisherman's hat - and erupted in laughter. She would have toppled off had Leroy not returned just in time to grab her by the calves and steady her. The Savior slowly got back in character, curling her lip in a cruel smile.
"How dare you try to tell me what to do, Snow White! You've ruined my life long enough!"
The crowd exploded with a roar, egging her on further.
Emma slowly gazed across the party, shooting daggers and thundering a warning to the drunken, happy masses.
"You pathetic peasants disgust me. Mark my words, I shall destroy your happiness as if it is the last thing I do."
The horde gasped as one and fell silent.
Emma was stunned as she glanced around the room filled with wide eyes, shuffling bodies and indistinct murmuring. Her booze-soaked, foggy brain registered one thought: Jesus, I am good.
"Did you idiots not hear me?" she asked acidly. "I shall destroy your happiness as if it is the last thing I do."
A low, even voice rang out near the front door. "Oh, they heard you Miss Swan."
Emma looked to pinpoint the location of the voice and saw Regina's cool stare come into focus. It was the last thing she saw before she toppled off the bar.