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“Oh my friends, my friends,
Forgive me.
That I live, and you are gone.
There’s a grief that can’t be spoken-
There’s a pain that goes on and on.
Phantom faces at the windows,
Phantom Shadows on the floor,
Empty chairs,
At empty tables,
Where my friends will meet no more.”
- Marius Pontmercy, “Les Miserables”
You fought it, every single day you did. But it was so hard. It was impossible even.
Humans. How the hell were you to survive? They make you like them, make you feel things for them- yes, your relationships would have formed with your crew even if you fought it. So, the logical thing to do is to not resist. Allow yourself to feel emotions for these humans. You knew it was a possibility when you joined Starfleet.
In the end, it’s really all the fault of one James Kirk.
He’d been the one who had insisted on reaching out and therefore inspired the crew to reach out. He’d been the one who’d touched your very soul. He’d been the one to make you fall so damn in love with him-
Not that you regretted it. How could you possibly regret it? It was Jim. Your las’hark, your t’hy’a. Jim was everything, your crew was everything. That was your family. Your family. They were more your family than your brother, your father, your grandparents, your cousins, even your mother. How could you regret allowing yourself to feel things for your own family?
It would be illogical
At the end of the day, leaving your husband for Kolinahr was a logical decision, logically reached, and not at all influenced by the things Jim said when he was angry.
You were emotional, after all these years. And that was horrid in its own way. Earther, Half-breed, look how he shows his emotions, look at his eyes. Yes, it was time to do what you had always said you could. This was what you had always wanted, or at least that was what you said to convince yourself it had nothing to do with that fight where Jim snapped at you, where Jim screamed in your face until you left with the thought of if it’s an emotionless Vulcan he wants, that’s what he’ll get.
And then, it was in your reach, it was within your grasp, it was so close you could taste it. A Kolinahr Adept. It would be perfect, he would be perfect. The perfect Vulcan after all these years. And yet-
The Klingons weren’t destroyed. It feels like . . . like they’ve become “wall exhibits in Hell.” And it’s headed for Earth. Spock, I wish you were here to help me understand.
… and how were you supposed to ignore Jim pleading for you? How were you supposed to ignore the first person who had accepted you for who you were? (Who truly made you feel perfect and oh fuck kolinahr you needed Jim not priests)
And then V’ger-
Emotion. It wants Emotion. It wants to understand. Why can’t you understand for it?
Understand. Allow.
Allow… allow. Allow yourself this.
This... oh so simple feeling.
Dying for your family is another logical decision.
Do not grieve, admiral, it is… logical
Doctor McCoy will deliver your katra, hopefully. A part of you hopes he doesn’t. If you are not bound to the katric ark, you will see Jim again.
I have been… and always shall be… your friend…
People think death is cold, but when you die all you feel is warm. The burning warm of the radiation, the warmth of knowledge that your family is safe, and warm tendrils of Jim’s love.
You don’t understand these strange people who saved you, at first. You have no clue what they expect or why they keep looking at you like your in the wrong. You have your memories but you don’t understand, you don’t you don’t and it’s terrifying because what are you doing wrong why do you want to change for these people-
And then, somewhere between whales and italian dinners and colorful metaphors and court martials and time slips-
You do.
Montgomery Scott, your roommate at the academy, an expert in engineering, a genius and a miracle worker, one of your best friends, you’d kissed him more than a few times and he’d beaten people up for you, because of you-
Hikaru Sulu, with a passion for botany and biology that reminds you of your mother, he loves fencing and adopted a little girl named Demora in the end and he was oh so bright and he had a kind smile-
Pavel Chekov, the youngest of you, all bright smiles and jokes and facts about Russia, he likes science like you do you’d mentored him aboard the Enterprise, taken him under your wing-
Nyota Uhura, she who walks in starlight, beautiful and slightly flirtatious with her words, able to speak so many languages with that talented tongue of hers, able to speak vulcan almost as well as you could, wanted to learn to play the lyre, beautiful singer and oh so kind-
Leonard McCoy, abrasive and rude but caring in his way and able to make an insult sound like a compliment, good for debate, dear dear friend, carrier of your katra, carer, doctor, healer, friend, good soul and always there for anyone who needed him, would lay his life down for-
Oh my friends, my friends,
James Tiberius Kirk, captain, friendbrotherlover, t’hy’la, ashaya, las’hark, everything everything everything-
My love.
The universe is cruel, and the stars wanted their prince back.
You had always believed that Jim had stars infused in his very soul. They were there in his ever changing eyes, in the warm circle of his arms, and the loveliness of his smile. Jim was like a god, a king, “Prince Charming” as your mother had once described him. Jim had given his heart to you, but in his eyes you had known since the day you met him that his soul was the property of the stars.
Therefore it is fitting, you supposed, that they take him first.
The curse of caring about humans for a Vulcan is simple; their mortality.
Humans had such a short lifespan in comparison to the hundreds a Vulcan lived. It was the price you had chosen to pay for your family. It was your curse, your destiny.
You had always known you would be the last of them.
The day Jim dies is the worst day of your life.
You had been at the academy when it happened, walking the halls when the pain exploded in your head. You’d collapsed on the spot, according to the students who had called medical, you screamed.
The cause was sufficient.
You woke up to Doctor McCoy standing over you with the same look he had on his face whenever he delivered bad news to loved ones. You are one of hundreds of widows and widowers he’s given the speech to. But instead of his normal talk, he merely shakes his head.
He whispers “I’m so sorry, Spock. Scotty just called me. He saved the ship, he died for that ship- I’m so sorry, so so so damn sorry…”
When you are discharged, he comes back to your apartment with you. Doctor McCoy stays for weeks, helps plan Jim’s funeral and helps fend off well-wishers because he, at least, understands that the best way for you to handle this is to be left alone.
He creeps around the apartment silently while you attempt to cope, just one of two ghosts now haunting you.
All you can think of is Jim, Jim’s smile, Jim’s laugh, Jim’s touch. Jim was gone now, you’d never see him again. You had to repeat it like a mantra. And whenever you doubted, you simply reached for the bond.
The place where your t’hy’la once was only held silence, now.
The cruelty continued; Amanda reaches her end.
You and your father both were there- it remains one of the only times you ever saw your father weep.
Her will asked for a cremation among the Vulcan sands, although she had no katra to be placed in the ark. You and your father spread her ashes together, alone.
The strange thing is… if you close your eyes, you swear you can still hear her voice. Feel her warmth.
“Sarek, please stop crying my beloved. Spock, my dear, please tell my fool of a k’diwa that I’m waiting…”
You amount it to having lost two of the most important people in your life in such quick succession.
The string of death pauses for a few years, but your mother’s voice continues to echo among your thoughts as if she was still alive, as if she was projecting over the familial bond you shared with her.
Scotty disappears, his ship the Jenolan goes missing, and you can only assume he is dead.
And, because the universe is horribly ironic, the youngest of you goes next.
Pavel lived to be a Captain, the very thing he always wanted. And, like so many unfortunate souls who serve in Starfleet, he went down with his ship in a way Jim would be proud of.
The crew of the Enterprise all attend the funeral. Sulu sobs into Nyota’s shoulder when she offers a hug. After the funeral ends, you all retreat to Doctor McCoy’s house. He provides drinks for everyone. Half drunk on grief, stories that you all know and remember fall from the lips of your friends, and you tell your own. You remember Scotty, and Jim, and now Pavel.
You do not remember consuming any intoxicants, but you do clearly remember how when Sulu bemoaned the fact that you all had never properly reunited, a voice clear as day rang through the air and said “I tried to make one happen! You all never bothered to cooperate! It’s your fault ‘Karu!”
No one else heard it, but it sounded like Pavel.
You must be drunk, somehow.
You continue hearing voices, but you don’t dare mention it to Doctor McCoy, to anyone. How could you? Being deemed crazy was a fate you truly did not wish for.
Pavel, your mother- Saavik dies in a shuttle crash, and you begin hearing her voice too. She tells you “Your not crazy, your not, T’Kher.”
You feel conflicted, and rather scared.
And then, the mission to the Romulan Colony Theseus II lands on your desk.
Theseus II is a thriving colony, all grasslands and tent cities. To relate the colonists to humans, they are essentially Romulan hippies. You find many people who believe in reunification.
There’s a strange man there, who claims to be a priest and an expert in Katra. You join him for a meal one night, and he surprises you about half way through the meal by standing up, an excited look on his face.
“You have died!” He exclaims, and you blink, nod once. He spouts off into questions, and he reveals something- he had died too. A flatline during surgery.
“You can hear them too?” He asks “Your ghosts? The spirits of those who care about you?”
You stare at him for a moment, then carefully think “Pavel? Saavik-kam?” a hesitation “Mother?”
“Yes dear?” Amanda’s voice- her spirit- replies “Saavik will be so happy, She’s been telling you the truth, you know. Pavel’s on that ship of yours.”
You do the strangest thing then- you laugh. The romulan looks at you strangely, but you wave him off, tell him you have spent far too much time among humans. “I am relieved.” You say “I am not crazy.” You thank him as you leave.
Only later that night when you attempt to sleep do you realize- if you can hear ghosts…
Why can you not hear Jim?
You keep them to yourself, the spirits. The others… they simply would not understand.
Nyota goes next, and you are there, whispering in swahili to her as she breathes her last. She whispers to Montgomery, to her Scotty, and you do not have the heart to tell her that he, somehow, is not there.
You and Leonard and Sulu attend the funeral together, and both of your friends cry. Since the moment she died, you still heard her. Probably because she would not stop shrieking.
“He’s not here?! Pavel, he’s actually not here?!”
“Nyet, he is not-”
“Then that means he’s alive?! He and Jim are alive and we’ve just- not looked for them?!”
“On the contrary.” Spock interrupted “I have been searching for them. I have found nothing yet. I apologize Nyota- I debated on whether or not to tell you.”
“Making me wait like this…” Nyota grumbled, “I’m gonna kick his ass.”
Sulu passes away, and you hear Pavel cry right along with Leonard at the funeral.
His daughter has become a fine Captain. Demora was a lovely lady, and Sulu had been quite proud of her. She buries her father with a stiff upper lip that he would be proud of.
You and Leonard remain now, and he essentially moves in with you.
“I don’t have anywhere else to go.” He grumbles. “Jo’s all grown up, and all my other friends are dead, Spock.”
You do not argue. Leonard is getting up there in years now as well, and you do not have long left with him.
Besides, wherever he is, Jim would want you two to take care of one another.
The Enterprise-D launches, galaxy class and lovely.
The ghosts hate her.
Leonard H. McCoy, the unkillable doctor, dies on a Wednesday or a Thursday, in his sleep. As they take his body away, you hear the first tones of his voice in your head.
“You're telling me my eternal heaven is to live on this rust bucket?! Can we even get sick up here?!”
“We can get hurt.” Pavel promises “And Starfleet policy still dictates check ups.”
“And where in the hell is Jim?! I owe him a smack in the face for dying like a damn idiot without so much as a goodbye-”
You actually sob a little, because that’s Leonard alright. “I assure you Doctor McCoy, when I find him I will smack him for you.”
“No you won’t.” Leonard grumbles “How long have you heard the dead for?”
“Years.” You whisper to him, calling Joanna to tell her the bad news.
Every voice in his head objects when you go to Romulus without permission. They all screech and make it very clear that this is a terrible idea Spock!
Apparently, Starfleet agrees because they send someone after you. They send the Enterprise after you. It feels like old times, you do something illogical or dangerous and the Captain of the Enterprise questions you.
Before it gets there though, you feel the tight familial bond you have with your father snap.
The pain is nothing like it was with Jim, an hour of meditation and it is better. But your mother- you hear her weep for her husband. And only when Sarek’s voice joins the chorus in your head. “Oh Sarek, I’ve missed you.” “... Amanda.”
The bendii syndrome died with his body, and your father voices his own disapproval of your choice to run off to Romulus. What surprises you is how, after he tells you it is an illogical plan… he offers his support.
“You are not a child any longer.” Sarek tells him. “If you believe this is best, it would be a logical endeavor with beneficial results for the federation.”
It is a relief to hear.
Picard is a stubborn man, Jim would like him- will like him, you tell yourself. You’d looked long and hard for the Nexus. You’ll find it eventually. If Jim isn’t dead, he must be in there. The others continue to help. Picard also tells you of Sarek’s passing.
Perhaps he expects you to grieve.
Your father agrees when you decide that stopping everything to grieve would be illogical.
You do lie to the android though. You have more regrets than you know what to do with.
The next time you hear from Captain Picard, it is because he has found Scotty for you.
It doesn’t take long to procure a shuttle and hunt him down. You simply head to the nearest junkyard.
You find him playing around with some old engine bits in a engine graveyard on Rigel III. The sight warms your heart somehow. Scotty is happy to see you, and you stay for a few days with him, talking about everything. He agrees to help you find Jim.
You tell him about the ghosts.
You figure that if anyone will believe you, it would be Scotty. Besides, Nyota is bugging you about it. He listens to your whole explanation.
Then he laughs, shakes his head.
“Tell Nyota I’ll come when I’m good and ready, lass” He smiles “And have someone tell those engineers that if my engines are in anything less than tip top shape I’ll kill ‘em again!”
In the end, you do not need to search for Jim.
Picard finds him for you as well.
You are in the middle of a meeting when the bond flares with vengeance. You collapse instantly, but apparently you do not scream this time.
When you wake up- its pain. For hours it’s just pain.
You curl in on yourself, under the blankets. For the first time you try to block the voices of your friends, because they’re probably just trying to comfort you. You just want it to end. You want all of it to end, everything to end. What was there to live for now, without Jim?
Three days later, and you’re still trying to block the voices. You can’t make out any words, you don’t want to. You just want silence-
“Oh t’hy’la.”
The voice is so clear and sudden, it takes you by surprise.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Spock. I’m so sorry I did this, that I left you.”
“Jim.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Do not be.”
You get up, and you begin the long process of healing
Captain Picard calls the next day. He tells you the story of how Jim dies. You make yourself listen. You feel angry.
Jim laughs at you for it, but you can’t bring yourself to feel like your anger is misplaced. Picard should have brought Jim home, not lost him again. Still, you force yourself to be polite. It doesn’t change the fact that when he hangs up you throw a book at a wall.
“Spock, it’s not his fault.” Jim attempted to soothe. You do not care.
In a way you had Jim back.
You were selfish.
It still was not enough.
“I know, beautiful.” Jim whispers “I know.”
You only know Scotty has died when his voice joins the chorus.
“Monty-!” Nyota and Leonard shout together, and you hear his rumbling laughter.
It is hours later before you realize what this means.
You are 147.
You are the last of them.
The Romulan sun goes supernova. It will destroy the planet you just spent years trying to save.
It is logical, you tell yourself. It is logical. It is logical.
“Your gonna die Spock-”
It is logical.
“Spock, c’mon! You can’t expect this to work sir-”
It is logical.
“This the needs of the many bullshit is gonna kill you. Again!”
It is logical.
“Don’t do it!”
It is logical.
“Please!”
It is logical.
“Spock… not like this… please baby please. Sweetheart, don’t… don’t do this…”
I am sorry.
You survive.
Ah well, the universe is simply not ready to let you rest yet. The voices are a buzz in your mind, loud and terrified. They are happy you are alive, they are upset over your blatant attempt at a logical death.
Nero captures your ship, beats you for killing his world. You are not afraid of what he can do to you- You have, after all, faced mad men before.
When he starts speaking of revenge not against you, but against your people-
Then you become afraid.
As he drags you through his ship, he monologues what he’s done to this world.
He killed George Kirk, all because history taught him that James Kirk knew you.
Jim rages in your mind.
Nero knocks you unconscious after that, and you can’t hear any voices.
T’khasi dies.
There are no words.
You are still reeling from it, still hearing the echos of billions of death screams- Couples trying to protect one another, people meditating one last time, parents clutching children, children allowing themselves fear as they scream for their parents, so many dead so many dead-
And a man runs into your cave, being chased by a snow beast.
“Holy Shit.” someone- you can’t pick out who- whispers. You are inclined to agree.
“James T. Kirk.” You breathe, and the name is almost a prayer.
And perhaps it is selfish to touch this young one’s mind- you risk disrupting the timeline, harming him with your own emotions- But the opportunity to touch that psyche, even if it isn’t quite the one you knew so well-
You are a weak man. You cannot say no.
After James and Scotty leave, you finally have a few moments to truly process what you have done.
Because of you, your entire crew could have different lives, different pasts, different personalities- the other versions of you and Jim certainly do.
Because of you, your species is endangered.
Because of you, so many people have been hurt.
Because of you…
You groan, sink to your knees, and allow yourself to weep.
Your friends attempt to comfort you, tell you it’s not your fault. You cannot bring yourself to believe them, because it is your fault. It is, it is, it is.
You died once.
You should have stayed dead.
Your gamble works; James Kirk becomes Captain of the Enterprise and you hope you set your younger self on the proper path to becoming his first officer.
The Vulcan colony is what you put your energy into. You spend your days moving like a ghost- trying to fix your mistake, trying not to interfere. You have one picture of your family left, and the pendant Jim gave you that you memorized the words to a long time ago. One would think that being able to hear your family would make it easier, would make it hurt less, would make you happier.
But with each day…
Hearing their voices only hurts after awhile, makes you miss them. But you never wish them gone, because the silence is worse.
Perhaps you are a masochist.
“How many times must I lose you Jim?”
Your younger self has lost so much in such a short time. You feel bad for him, because he is simply trying to live and he keeps losing.
When he says the name khan, you forget your promise to not interfere, you forget it all. Call it post-traumatic stress disorder, call it channeling Jim, call it not wanting to see himself die, call it pity-
“Khan” You tell him firmly “Was the worst enemy we ever faced. His defeat came at a grave cost.”
One that this young man, who suffered so much, was not supposed to pay.
What have you done?
What have you done?
Oh god, you have killed him again, even if it was just for a time.
“I am so so so sorry, t’hy’la.”
Jim says it is not your fault, that the young captain made his choice, the same one you made.
“I should have done something” You reply, frantic. “I could have done something-” You close your eyes, press your face against your hands. You attempt to calm yourself.
“Jim?”
“Yes?”
“I miss you.”
“We miss you too. Don’t worry, beautiful. We’ll be waiting.”
They receive the five year mission, and you are grateful. This will do so much good for them. They will do so much good-
Grateful is perhaps the wrong term. Ecstatic seems to fit better. The colony thrives, and the crew of the Enterprise is back on their proper course.
And you are old. You allow your thoughts to wander more often, and the grief finally seems to be nearing it’s end.
Perhaps you are dying.
Somehow, you get a certain idea into your head- how would these young friends react to meeting their counterparts?
It makes your ghosts laugh, and you even crack a smile.
It would be an amusing experiment to be sure
Captain Kirk tells you you have a lifetime pass to come aboard the Enterprise whenever you wish, and a few times you do use it, when you can justify it with logic.
In truth, you simply could not pass up an opportunity to board her when one arose.
So when you beam down to a planet with the senior bridge crew for a party, when the party turns out to be a ritual-
You are a scientist at heart, and any opportunity to test a hypothesis is never to be turned down.
The celebration this culture has invited the crew to is simple; on a night when their three moons are all full at the same time, ghosts appear and can be seen and heard. You know it is illogical, and unlikely to be true.
You go anyway.
You and these men- little more than boys, truly- your new friends, your young friends- you all travel out into the grasses where the miracle would happen.
The moon beams are distinct, and touch your younger self first.
He sees his mother.
One by one, the moonbeams touch the crew of this Enterprise.
And then they touch you.
Jim’s face is what you see first, and he cups a cold hand- no real matter and no real weight and no real anything but still somehow Jim- around your jaw and whispers “Hi beautiful.” and you allow yourself to sob.
You get five minutes to be surrounded by the people you care about- love- once more. They talk to their counterparts, tell stories. Jim keeps a hand touching you and even if it isn’t Jim it’s something and it’s more than you’ve had in over a century.
Before your time is up, Jim presses his lips to your forehead.
He disappears, and you’re left with a lingering cold spot upon your skin.
You smile
You are old, now.
Hey Spock?
You less hear the voices as you are surrounded by them
Spock, open your eyes
Your younger self has married Jim
Oh god, he’s so weak Jim.
The colony thrives
It’s time, sir
You are ready
Take my hand, gorgeous.
The ship is beautiful, perfect. No damn A, B, C, or D to be found.
You wake in sickbay, and Doctor McCoy grins like a maniac.
“Well it took you long enough! You fought like a wet cat to stay alive, I thought you missed us?” He quips, and you just stare. You have no snarky replies, because this is Leonard, your friend. He’s-
And you’re-
“Finally, huh?” McCoy asks next, brushing his fingers against your arm. “Don’t worry, you can go up to the bridge and see everyone-” a wave of his other hand “Later. For right now, go to your quarters.” He grins then “I’ll send Jim there. You two love birds deserve a private reunion.”
“Leonard.” You finally breathe, and his smile softens a little.
“Yeah. I never know whether to apologize because someone died or congratulate people on getting here. Now shoo-” He waves his hand at you “People still get injured here. You’re taking up valuable space.”
You rise, and you probably shock him when you hug him. But he doesn’t comment, just hugs you back. “Yeah yeah- we missed you too. Now go.”
Your quarters are just as you remember as well. Then you go across the bathroom, into Jim’s quarters. The quarters that you both considered “yours”
The bed was a bed for married couples, and your meditation supplies were still in the corner and the chessboard was set up for a match. Idly, you wondered how long it had been waiting for someone to use it. Judging from the fine sheen of dust, a while.
When the door swishes open, you stop thinking about the chess board.
You stop thinking about everything.
The angel is across the room in an instant, barely having the mind to call out the lock code. He’s gold, every inch of him is gold.
He grabs you by the wrists, pulls you into him and holds you like you’ll disappear if he lets go. Illogical, How could you ever leave his side again? As if to reassure him, you wrap your arms around him, hold him tight to your chest.
“Jim.” You breathe, like a prayer. He replies by sobbing his love into your neck, pressing his lips to the flesh there. You grasp each other, pull on one another’s clothes, fall back onto the bed and dissolve into stardust.
It’s been three days. You are at your station.
“Are we all ready Scotty?”
“Aye sir!”
“Mr. Chekov, is the course plotted?”
“Da!”
“Mr. Spock-” Jim turns to you now, and you look back. He smiles “Ready?” He simply asks.
You nod once, tilting your head “Indeed captain.”
Jim beams at you, then turns forward again. “Mr. Sulu, take us out!”
And to the stars you go.
“And death shall have no dominion.
Dead man naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.”
- Dylan Thomas, “And Death Shall Have No Dominion”