Coming Home

by Yukio

Summary:

The future of year 2105 is generous to the turtles. They can walk in the daylight without a fear of freaking anyone out and so they can participate in the life of the society. Donnie is a respected scientist and inventor who was included into an intergalatic project and is sent with an expedition to a dead planet to help to cultivate it and make it habitable once again. After a few weeks on the planet the expedition is attacked, most of its members slaughtered and a few crew members together with Donatello missing. Even after three years there is no sign of the lost brother and son. The clock is ticking and the day of the family's return into their time is coming closer.

Notes:

This story was inspired by the song Coming Home from P. Diddy & Dirty Money. When I started writing it, it was supposed to be an easy story about a lost brother returning home, but somehow it grew into three chapters about pain and suffering (apologies to all Donnie lovers).

Big thanks to my betas Chercherin for her ideas and opinions about the story and Ravenshell for checking the grammar and giving some tips how to change some problematic parts. Thank you, girls!

Chapter 1: Lost in Space

Quite a long time had passed since the turtles had appeared in the future in the year 2105. Being able to walk in the daylight was definitely something they could enjoy. Suddenly, there were so many possibilities, so many things to try, so many ways to live up to their potential. Living with Cody meant they didn’t need to move a finger and still live a comfortable life (if only they didn’t need to rescue their human friend from time to time from the unexpected threats), but they could be satisfied with that only for a short period of time. Mikey dedicated his days to the pop-culture of the 20^th century, Raph became a professional racer, Leo taught the restless citizens the art of meditation, and Donnie worked for the Intergalactic Institute for Space Research, Cultivation and Colonization. He was one of the best engineers there, developing new technologies for safer and faster traveling throughout the universe.     

And that was what he was doing right now. As an inventor and constructor of the new generation of engines for spaceships he became a member of a space crew heading to a certain planet in a far galaxy. Life had been destroyed there millennia ago and now the group of scientists and researchers was going there to find out if the planet’s environment had recovered from the disaster yet and was apt to accept new life on its surface.

Donnie had been ecstatic when the decision about his attendance had been made. He wasn’t going just as a mechanic capable of repairing almost everything on the ship, but also as one of the scientists. It was a mission and he was looking forward to this new challenge. Thanks to the engine he had developed the journey across the universe took an unbelievably short amount of time, but it still lasted more than two weeks on Earth until they reached the destination.

Donnie stayed in touch with his family, of course. He talked to them every day at the same time when his duties were over and it was time to rest. His regular calls home were a family event, they all were huddled around one of the computer screens in Cody’s workroom and when the screen finally shone, they were trying to talk all at once until they set some order in which they talked to their brother. Usually, Master Splinter was the first one who asked Donatello about his well-being and health, followed by an impatient Mikey, who always wanted to know if Donnie had finally found a trace of some kind of life form on the planet or if he had finally set some into the new environment.

The last turn always belonged to Raph, not because he didn’t have much to talk about to his genius brother, but exactly the opposite. He waited until he was granted full access to the screen, usually the rest of the family returned to their activities, letting Raph chat with Donnie as much as he wanted. It was strange, they were so different – Donnie’s world was full of equations, inventions and big words while Raph’s was simpler, plainer, and more straightforward – but they never ceased to find a topic they enjoyed discussing.

Raph loved those everyday chats. He couldn’t remember when he had talked to Donnie as much as he did now, but it was a good change. He found out that there was much more about his dorky, nerdy brother and he couldn’t wait for Donnie’s return to find out if they could carry on with this new dynamic in their relationship. Distance truly did interesting things to people…

It was yet another day, another call from Donnie, another long chat. They were just talking about some kind of a space plant – Raph found the whole conversation funnily amusing, probably because watching Donnie talking about something with such passion was his new favorite activity – when Donnie stopped talking suddenly and just looked at Raph with a rather shy, gentle smile.

“Raph…”

“Yes, Donnie?” Raph asked curiously. It seemed Donnie wanted to tell him something big, something important and for a moment Raph held his breath. The brown eyes were watching him with more intensity than they had ever had before and his heart started beating faster.

“Hey, Raph!” Mikey’s voice boomed in the spacious room. “Cody brought a new video game. Wanna try it out?”

“I’m talkin’ to Donnie, knucklehead,” Raph growled. He felt there was something significant the genius wanted to tell him, but Donnie only smiled.

“Go and play, we’ll talk again tomorrow.”

Raph turned to the screen. “Ya wanted to tell me somethin’,” he reminded.

“It’s nothing,” Donnie said quickly, a pinkish shade coloring his cheeks. “It can wait when I come back home. Tell the others I miss them.”

“We miss ya, too, Brainiac. Ya sure ya don’t wanna talk ‘bout it?”

“Yeah, pretty sure. Have fun.”

“All right. Talk to ya tomorrow.”

“Yeah…”

Raph smiled and turned off the computer.

“Wait for me, knucklehead!”

*

The next day, the family gathered around the computer, waiting for Donnie’s call. The screen was supposed to light up any minute, they were supposed to see Donnie, talk to him like the previous day and the day before, just like every day. But Donnie was late today. Awfully late.

They exchanged confused looks. Cody pushed a few buttons, but there was no answer to their call transmitted on the private frequency designated only for Donnie and his family.

“Maybe there is some technical problem on their side of the line?” Mikey suggested.

“Yeah, most likely,” Cody agreed, trying a few more tricks, but the computer stayed silent. “Seems like we need to wait until Donnie calls himself,” he said in the end, and the family returned to their activities, even though no one seemed to enjoy them and they were doing them only to occupy their minds with something besides the missing brother. Only Raph stayed, still waiting and hoping Donnie would finally call. He knew his brother, Donnie had the annoying tendency to lose the track of time when he was engrossed in some project of his. He truly hoped it was the case now, too, although he had a bad feeling there was something wrong and it had nothing to do with technical problems.

He couldn’t sleep at night and when Donnie didn’t call the next day, he became truly worried. And it wasn’t only him; Master Splinter insisted they go to the Institute and ask about the ship with Donnie’s team.

Whatever answer they expected, it definitely wasn’t the calm, indifferent response:

“Yes, we know about it. Such things happen. They surely only have some trouble with connection. As soon as they fix the problem, they’ll let us know. Nothing can happen there, they are in a deserted area. It’s definitely nothing serious.”

But Raph’s guts told him otherwise and after a week of radio silence, the Institute finally started acting and sent a rescue ship to the stupid planet.

Another week passed and the atmosphere at home was thick and heavy with fear and anxiety. Splinter meditated most of the day, trying to reach his missing son in his mind, but Donatello had completely disappeared from his radar. Mikey stopped playing video games, usually pacing the rooms, not sure what he should do. Leo spent the time in the dojo, trying to spend the nervous energy during hard training. Raph… He would have joined Leo in the dojo if he hadn’t been afraid they would only have ended up fighting. He didn’t need that right now, so he would sit in the garden and stare at the sky or sit close to the computer, waiting for an incoming call.

Which came sometime during the fourth week since they had talked to Donnie for the last time. Raph almost broke his leg as he hurried to the computer to press the button to accept the call, but the face that appeared on the screen didn’t belong to their purple-banded brother.

The rest of the family came, too, staring at the president of the Intergalactic Institute for Space Research, Cultivation and Colonization with hope in their eyes.

The president coughed nervously. “The rescue team found the spaceship of the research mission… or what was left of it…” he started gravely.

Raph’s heart skipped a beat and coldness crept into his body.

“What about the crew?” Cody asked, his voice shaky.

The rest of the family held their breaths as they waited for the president to continue.

“Bodies were found,” said the guy. “They were already identified and compared to the list of the names of the crew members.”

There was silence for a moment before Master Splinter spoke. “What about Donatello?”

The president wiped sweat from his forehand with a handkerchief. “His body, along with a few more, was missing.”

“That’s good news, isn’t it?” Raph mixed into the conversation. “He can still be alive.”

The guy coughed again and looked at the family on the other side of the line with pity in his eyes. “Not necessarily,” he said. “We found the flag of the Alliance for Natural Order in the destroyed ship. Everything the team managed to achieve, their efforts to cultivate the planet, turned worthless. Everything was destroyed and almost the whole research team was slaughtered cold-bloodedly. Donatello was the only scientist on the board whose body wasn’t found. The rest of the missing bodies belong to the crew.”

“Maybe he escaped,” Mikey said hopefully. “Maybe he’s hiding somewhere or fixing the ship so that he could come back.”

“I’m afraid that if he was anywhere within a one hundred mile’s radius from the ship, the rescue team would have found him by now,” the president said gravely. “I’m very sorry. It is more than likely Donatello was taken by the Alliance and as their prisoner his chances of survival are nearing zero. The Alliance believes that the efforts to turn inhabitable planets into habitable are against some greater plan and therefore anyone who tries to act against it should be eliminated.”

Raph frowned. “What are you implying?” he growled.

The president looked even more nervous. “As far as we know about the Alliance, they take hostages only for one reason – to torture them for information and kill them afterwards.”

Raph wasn’t the only one who gasped with his eyes wide with horror; the idea of his gentle, peaceful brother meeting such a cruel end was simply… unthinkable.

“Look for him! Send the army there to kick the motherfuckers’ asses!” he cried and banged his fist on the control panel.

“Raphael!” Splinter said warningly, but there was also a great deal of tiredness in his voice. Raph’s reaction reflected the storm raging inside of the rat dad.

“We’ve already sent the troops but there is no guarantee they’ll find your brother or any of the missing crew members. I’m truly sorry. Maybe you should prepare for the possibility you won’t see Donatello again…” he said gravely before the connection terminated.

“FUCK!!!” Raph cursed, kicking the computer desk hard.

This time Splinter didn’t react, still hypnotized by the dark screen.  

“I’m not acceptin’ this!” Raph continued.

“What do you want to do, Raph?” Leo asked cautiously.

“I don’t know! Look for him. Anythin’. Just not sit here on my butt,” Raph announced, giving the computer one last nasty glare before he turned around and walked to the window. He looked at the sky before he turned to his family. “I’m goin’ to the Institute. They’re gonna launch another rescue team and I’ll make sure to be a part of it!”

The remaining two turtle brothers, Splinter, and Cody exchanged looks.

 “I’m not sure there’ll be another rescue team,” started Cody.

“I don’t care. It’s Donnie, we have to find him!” Raph wasn’t willing to give up so easily. “He’s our BROTHER! It’s our duty to go and find him, whatever happened to him!”

“I think Cody is trying to tell us that we don’t need strangers to go look for Donnie, we can do it ourselves, right?” Leo turned to their young human friend.

“Exactly. We only need to ask the Institute to lend us one of their ships OR at least one of the engine prototypes Donnie developed. If the latter is the case, we’ll rebuild one of our spaceships, but it’ll take time.”

“I don’t care. Whatever it takes,” Raph growled, stepping away from the window. He didn’t care HOW they were getting into space as long as they were getting there in order to look for Donnie.

*

The loss of the top scientists was a great blow for the Institute and science itself. Troops were sent to hunt down the culprits, but even with the superengines it was impossible to scan the whole universe. The Alliance was perfectly organized, looking for refuge in the areas where murdering whole crews wasn’t considered a crime. Not every planet preserved friendly feelings towards Earthlings and their friends and allies. Investigation brought nothing and searching for the lost crew members only cost too much time. Finally, the troops and searching teams were called off and the missing persons were declared dead along with Donatello.

In the end there were only the three turtle brothers, their rat father (who aged a decade during the time) and their human friend who still kept looking, but even after one more Earth year they found no trace of Donnie. It was like he had disappeared in a black hole. And already knowing enough about the Alliance, he probably had.

*

“Raph,” Leonardo cautiously addressed his hotheaded brother, who had become much more aggressive during the time.

“What?” snapped the red-masked ninja.

“It’s been three years…”

“And?”

“If Donnie was alive, he’d surely have tried to contact us by now…”

“What if he can’t? What if he’s waitin’ for us to rescue him?”

“It’s Donnie. If anyone knows how to sneak out of an enemy’s grasp, it’s him. Raph, just…”

Raph turned abruptly to Leo, seeing his brother wasn’t alone. Mikey was there, too – the youngest turtle lost his spark over the years, he was just a shadow of his old self… just like the rest of them. Leo stared at Raph with his sad eyes reflecting the same hopelessness as Mikey’s… and their father’s. And he knew he had lost this fight. This searching for a needle in a haystack hurt all of them beyond repair. It was time to face it: Donnie was gone.

They returned back home with a heavy feeling of defeat. There was something about the fact that Donnie hadn’t contacted them so far. Three years was a hell of a long time and if there was no message, no sign, then there was no other explanation than that he was truly dead.

When the veil of the night covered the outside world, Cody brought old-fashioned wax candles and a lighter. He gave one candle to each of them and then lit up his.

“To Donatello, a great brain and even greater personality, a friend, a brother, a son, a hero,” he said solemnly and offered the lighter to anyone who wanted to continue.

At first, there was no hand reaching for it. Everyone was just gazing at the lighter with a glint of unease in their eyes.

“I… I thought he deserved a true flame,” Cody said awkwardly, taken aback by the hesitant reaction of the others.

It was Leo who finally took the lighter. “He damn well does,” he growled, lighting his candle. When he did so, his expression turned from angry to sad. They did what they could but to no avail. It was time to say goodbye.

“To Donnie, the best turtle, best friend and brother. We’ll never forget,” he said, his voice breaking.

Mikey was the next one to take the lighter. As the flame burned, tears glistened in the youngest ninja turtle’s eyes. “We miss you, bro, wherever you are. We love you,” he said, handing the lighter to Raph, but the red-masked brother ignored it. He was looking at the dark sky polluted with luminous smog and he wished to be back in their time in Casey’s farmhouse or some other place where he could see the stars.

When Raph didn’t take the offered lighter, Master Splinter did. He let the flame burn for a few seconds before he spoke in the voice of a man experiencing the greatest pain of his life. “To Donatello. I hope your steps are leading to light, my dear son. You’ll be always with us…” he said, lowering his head.

Finally, Raph tore his gaze from the sky and took the lighter from their father. He lit the candle, looking into the flame dancing in front of his eyes. He thought of his last conversation with Donnie, how Donnie wanted to tell him something, but decided to leave it for later. They’d never finish that talk…

Raph’s heart squeezed painfully. He found it hard to speak through the lump in his throat.

“Donnie…” he started, then coughed. What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t much for words. He didn’t know how to express certain things.

He felt Leo’s hand on his shoulder and he wanted to shake it off, but he didn’t feel like moving, didn’t feel like doing anything, and if he wanted to be honest, the touch was kind of comforting.

“Donnie…” he tried again. He was too aware that this was the end. This was Donnie’s funeral and he… he simply couldn’t do it. He wasn’t ready.

“This is stupid,” he growled. “We don’t know where he is. We don’t know if he’s really dead…” He pushed Leo’s hand away and slammed the lighter into his hand. The candle he was holding suddenly flew in the air before it started falling into the depth of the modern New York City. For Donnie…

“I HATE FUTURE!!!” he yelled to the dark sky out of his lungs. Then he turned around and stormed away. The fact that every door in Cody’s residence opened and closed by itself made him even angrier, he wished to be able to slam it.

*

Another half a year passed. Their lives fell into routine, which wasn’t a bad thing. It gave them the feeling of some kind of certainty. Most of the time they spent together as though they needed to make sure there was no other missing member of their family, but this way they could only feel Donnie’s absence all the stronger. Especially Raph acted as if a big part of his soul was gone. He spent nights staring at the dark sky, hoping that one day Donnie would turn up on their threshold or send a message at least and take away that burden pushing them down to their knees. He barely talked, the spark in his eyes was gone, the fire always burning so strong within him smothered. He didn’t live; he survived every day waiting for the moment he would either die of heartache or something would happen that would pull him out of his lethargy. The family was slowly breaking apart and the only thing that gave them purpose was building the time transporter that would take them back to their time. They didn’t think about it as a necessity, it was more like a legacy. Donnie had started building it long before his disappearance and now they wanted to finish his work, give his efforts a meaning and fulfill his last wish.

They didn’t hurry though and when the news about the war with the Alliance for Natural Order somewhere in a far corner of the universe and the Earth’s participation in it reached them, Raph was ready to forget all about their time and just go there kick some Alliance asses for taking Donnie from them, for the unfinished conversation, for the tomorrow that never came, for tearing them apart like this. The long-forgotten fire burned anew.

Donnie’s team wasn’t the only one that perished like that. The Alliance started striking more aggressively and became a huge problem. Therefore the normally peaceful planet Earth promised as much aid as it could. There was Raph’s chance. During those years Donnie became just a number, one of many casualties, but he was not forgotten, and if Raph could have his revenge for the presumably dead brother, there was nothing to stop him.

Except there was…

Master Splinter was strongly against Raph’s participation in the war, urging him back to work on the transporter. The sooner they finished it, the sooner they’d be able to return to their time where they belonged and where no intergalactic war raged that threatened to take another of his children. For the first time in their lives Raph had an argument with their father instead of Leo, and this one was truly nasty. After getting a big fat NO, Raph retired to the garden on the big terrace and moped there for the rest of the day, thinking of Donnie and the injustice of the universe. How could they go back in time and leave Donnie here?

“Are you thinking about running away?” a calm, quiet voice sounded from behind his back. Raph turned around, facing Leo.

“What? Came to lecture me, too?” he asked belligerently.

“No,” Leo surprised him. “I just want you to know that if you go, I’m going with you. But… we can’t leave Mikey behind, bro. He’s coming with us.”

Raph blinked. Did Leo really say what he said? “Ya wanna come?” he asked to make sure.

“I don’t want to go to war and leave Father, but I can’t let you go alone. You need someone to have your back,” Leo explained.

Raph snorted. “And ya wanna take Mikey? Mikey in war? Can ya imagine that?”

Leo took a deep breath and looked at the sky. “You’re not the only one who misses him,” he said softly. “We’re in this together. Wherever you go, we go with you. Besides, I don’t want to lose another brother and I don’t want Mikey to lose all of us.”

Raph watched Leo, who was still staring at the sky, seeing iron-strong determination. The bastard was giving him a choice that wasn’t really a choice. If Raph decided to go, he would drag his brothers with him, intentionally or not. He understood that Leo came here to warn him that if Raph disappeared, Leo was going to hunt his ass down. And on top of that, he threatened to take Mikey with him. Raph knew that Mikey was a capable fighter, but he wasn’t a warrior at heart and the mere idea of Mikey in an army was unthinkable. Leo knew all that, but instead of saying it directly he coated his words with sorrow and regret.

“Ya don’t want Father to lose all his children ya mean to say,” he growled, letting Leo know that he revealed his true intentions.

Leo didn’t say anything and Raph knew that he was either going, taking his two brothers into danger with him and leaving Father behind to grieve the loss of all his children, or giving up and staying in order to preserve their family.

He took a deep breath, looking at the sky, before he turned to Leo again. “All right, ya won,” he said, but not angrily. He was tired. The fear for Donnie, the uncertainty, exhausted him and he had no more strength to argue with his family.

Again, Leo didn’t respond, but Raph could see the relief on his brother’s face. Leo always worked hard to keep the family together, especially after Donnie’s disappearance; it must have been a hell for him when Raph expressed his wish to join the war that wasn’t even in their galaxy.

He headed back inside with a heavy feeling of defeat. Leo walked by his side, silent and pensive.

“Hey, Leo,” Raph addressed him suddenly. “Do ya really think that Donnie became a founder of O’Neil Tech even without his bein’ there?”

Leo sighed heavily. “I don’t know. You know what Cody said about that. April mightn’t have needed Donnie to start the company, she might have only used his know-how. Anyway, in our time they used to work together a lot. No matter if Donnie was present or not, his work became one of the cornerstones of O’Neil Tech and therefore he’s still known as one of its founders.”

Raph frowned, then he slowly shook his head. “It’s confusin’.”

Leo gave his brother a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “One would think that Donnie went back in time and O’Neil Tech is the way to let us know he survived.”

“Honestly? I thought that. It sounds just like somethin’ Donnie would do, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, it does…” Leo said quietly. Donnie being transferred back in time was one of the possible explanations of his disappearance, but as Cody said, there was no guarantee it was true. As far as they knew Donnie could be atomized and, knowing April, she could still put his name in the founding records as a gesture of friendship and gratitude for being her inspiration.

“Goodnight, Raph,” Leo said as they reached their rooms.

“To you too,” Raph replied, entering his room.

As he lay in bed, he returned to Leo’s words in his mind and he’d known he’d lost. He couldn’t take his brothers with him to war, he couldn’t leave Father to grieve the loss of all his children. He loved them too much to be so selfish. They were here and Raph needed to take care of them, to protect them, to make sure no one went missing ever again. With his face wet with tears that no one was supposed to know about he was giving Donnie his last silent goodbye.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into the night as he cried himself to sleep.

Chapter 2: Donnie Comes Home

New York was always a city that never slept; that fact hadn’t changed throughout the centuries. Year 2110 was no exception. The city was lively; vehicles of the most various shapes, forms and use rushed through it; people and aliens stayed to work to long night hours or visited night clubs or simply carried out their errands; lights were too bright and the sounds of the city too loud. Luckily, such a place provided anonymity. Being inconspicuous was a piece of cake unless you wanted to break in somewhere. In that case shadows were the most loyal friends.

A figure clad in a black cloak with the hood pulled low across the face walked the brightly-lit streets. There was nothing unusual about such an appearance in the multicultural city and so it didn’t catch the attention of the respectable citizens. That was the reason why no one noticed the cloaked person disappear in the shadow of a high building, the home of Cody Jones, the CEO of O’Neil Tech. If anyone had bothered to look really closely and had been lucky, maybe they would have caught a flip of the dark fabric or a feeble glint of metal. But no one cared to raise their head, no one tried to search for intruders. And when peacemakers whooshed past the high building, even they missed the phantom figure lurking on its walls.

The cloak fluttered as its owner soared gracefully over the low fence enclosing the terrace garden. Bare two-toed green feet touched the floor softly. There was a moment of complete silence for a few heartbeats before the cloak rustled softly one more time and two hands the same color as the feet pushed it out of their way, revealing a lean body clothed in some kind of armor. A big black plate covered the chest of the trespasser and dark-colored metal encircled the forearms and parts of the legs from knees to ankles. Long metal strips stretched from the shoulders to the elbows; similar strips covered the outer sides of the muscled thighs. The thick black belt held three pockets on either side. The rest of the body was hidden under a layer of dense black fabric.

The figure raised the left hand and the fingers of the other touched the left forearm lightly. Dim light shone from the dark metal towards the glass doors leading inside the apartment behind it. After a few seconds a holographic screen appeared. Three green fingers typed a code and ACCESS GRANTED flashed on the screen before the holograph vanished.

The bare feet padded towards the doors that had slid open and stopped there. The lean body crouched slightly, the head under the hood tilted as the intruder listened intently to the possible sounds coming from the apartment. The right hand reached to the face half-hidden under the hood. After a few seconds, the hand sank along the body that straightened up and the stranger finally entered the apartment. The glass doors closed silently.

The steps of the green feet took their owner to the first chair. The armored body descended into it carefully and for the first time in years it truly relaxed. A soft sigh interrupted the silence, followed by a deep intake of breath.

An hour passed, then another, and the figure still didn’t move from the chair, not even when the apartment’s resident, Cody Jones, passed the room towards the kitchen, absolutely oblivious in his sleepy state to the stranger in his home. The figure in the chair didn’t acknowledge his presence either, sitting there relaxed and motionless.

Cody entered the kitchen and came back after a moment, wiping away the residual droplets of water from his mouth. He shuffled through the room when suddenly he stopped and winced as his eyes landed on the mysterious figure in the chair.

“Who are you?” he called, crouching slightly in case he needed to protect himself. Good thing Master Splinter and the turtles had taught him ninjutsu.

The stranger stood up slowly, lifting both hands to take off the hood. The pale moonlight penetrating inside through the glass doors illuminated a smirking face. One eye was trained on the young man while the other was covered by a black patch.

“Don’t you know me anymore, young Cody?” asked a familiar, although rather gruff voice.

Cody stiffened. That voice, that figure, that face… Was it possible? After years of searching and waiting and hoping… after all that suffering… a dead man eventually walked in.

“Donnie?” he asked, uncertain.

“The one and only,” came the reply.

Words left Cody as he stared at the person in front of him, unable to believe his own two eyes.

“Light!” called the mutant turtle and the room was flooded by sharp brightness. A pleased smile spread across the green lips. “It’s nice to know the system still remembers me. I could’ve spared myself the trouble and come through the main entrance without the fear of setting off the alarm,” he said, rather amused by the revelation, looking at the boy again, whose mouth hung open.

“Donnie,” Cody croaked and came closer. “It’s really you.”

“Yep, it’s really me,” said Donnie again, but his voice missed that gentle tone. It sounded like gravel; there was definitely something not right about it. But Cody didn’t search for the reason; Donnie had been gone for years and now he was standing here, in Cody’s home, safe and sound!

“Donnie!” he cried and jumped the few remaining steps that separated him from the turtle. He flung his arms around Donnie’s neck, pulling him into a tight hug.

Donnie flinched, his body going all rigid and when he raised his hands to hug back, it was very hesitant and uncertain. But Cody didn’t seem to notice; he was hugging Donnie, laughing happily.

“Where have you been? We looked for you!” he said, still hanging from around Donnie’s neck.

“It’s… it’s a long story,” Donnie said, unease seeping from his tone.

“What’s going on, Mr. Cody?” A huge robot entered the room.

“Serling, Donnie’s back!” Cody cried happily as he finally released Donnie from his embrace. A sigh of relief escaped the mutant’s mouth and his body finally relaxed.

The robot’s attention moved from the young man to the night visitor and his circuits failed to form any words.

“Hey, Serling,” Donnie said, smirking again as he lifted his hand and waved. “I’m back.”

“That’s… that’s… impossible. You were declared dead,” the robot finally spoke. “There must be an error in my system.”

“Serling!” Cody glared at his mechanical friend and protector.

The smile fell from Donnie’s lips. “Dead… Yes, that makes sense, of course…”

Cody turned to him. “It’s been years, Donnie,” he said quietly, regretfully. “As I said, we looked for you, but we could find no trace of you, no sign that you could still be alive. We only had our hopes.”

“I see…” The gravel in Donnie’s voice turned into sand, sand into dust and dust into nothing. He lowered his head, closing his uncovered eye. An expression of deep agony settled in his features and Cody knew he was seeing Donnie’s true present self.

“What happened to you, Donnie?” Cody asked gently.

Donnie raised his head, the pain gone from his face; now it was exchanged with a totally expressionless mask. “Where is my family?” he asked, ignoring Cody’s question.

It was Cody’s turn to look at Donnie with sorrow in his eyes. “They…” he started hesitantly. He couldn’t lie to Donnie, but telling him his family was long gone felt like cutting a new wound into that body that surely went through a lot if the black patch over the left eye was any indication.    

“They’re back in their time,” Serling said, obviously thinking he was helping the matter.

Donnie winced and his eye widened. “They went home?” he asked, surprised.

“Yes,” Cody said sadly. “We managed to finish the time transporter…”

“That’s…. good.” A small, sorrowful smile curled Donnie’s lips. “They’re where they belong. Everything’s the way it should be…”

“Donnie, I’m sure that if I did new calculations, I could send you to them,” Cody said quickly. “I just can’t guarantee I’ll send you into the exact moment of their transfer or close to it.”

But Donnie shook his head. “No. I’m not a man of the past anymore,” he said tonelessly.

“Donnie…”

“I’m tired,” Donnie interrupted. “I traveled through space without a break. Would you mind…?”

Cody watched his mutant friend’s face for a moment, but Donnie’s expression betrayed no emotion. Cody could only wonder what feelings were hidden under that big metal plate protecting Donnie’s chest. After years of being lost somewhere in space he finally managed to come back only to find out his family wasn’t there anymore. He must have felt betrayed.

Cody felt he needed to say something to defend Donnie’s family. They hadn’t left him behind. They had thought of him every minute and Donnie should know that.

“We looked for you,” he said desperately.

“They did,” Serling piped.

“I know, you’ve already said that.” Donnie’s voice still held that tinge of dullness. 

“Even when you were declared dead, we kept looking. And hoped. And then waited. They waited. Raph even wanted to join the war with the Alliance for Natural Order…”

A spark shone in Donnie’s eye. “Did he?”

“He had a big fight with Master Splinter about it. It was Leo who talked him out of it eventually. I don’t know what he told him, but Raph stayed and helped with the transporter,” Cody continued.

The spark disappeared, being replaced by something cold and dark.

“I fought in that war,” Donnie said, and his voice could freeze oceans. “I deserted.”

Cody’s eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat. It sounded a lot like an accusation of a missed chance… But who could ensure Raphael would have ended up in the same place as Donnie? There were many fronts and even more units fighting there. The possibility of the two of them meeting had been very low and Donatello must have known it.

A heavy sigh cut the silence that had stretched between them.

“It was a long journey and I’m really tired,” Donnie said wearily. “If you don’t mind me staying for a while…”

“Donnie, you MUST stay. This is your home. At least in this century,” Cody said quickly. “You still have your room here. It’s been kept the way you left it.”

A soft robotic cough sounded. “Tidier,” Serling said.

Donnie gave a brief nod. “Thank you.”

Cody smiled. “You know where it is.”

“I do. Sorry for disturbing you so late. Goodnight,” he wished, pulled the hood over his head again and turned around, walking swiftly, but in perfect silence, out of the room.

He’s in a hurry, Cody observed and wondered if Donnie was truly that tired or just wanted to avoid more questions that would surely have come.

“Goodnight, Serling,” he wished to his robotic friend and caretaker and walked out of the room himself.

As he walked the corridor towards his own bedroom, he noticed the cloaked figure standing by the door of Leo’s room. Donnie looked like a shadow, all dark and elusive. Secretive. He had his left hand outstretched in front of him, three fingers touching the door lightly. After a moment Donnie flattened his palm on the smooth surface, his head lowered. He stood like that for a few seconds before he moved to the next door, the door of Mikey’s room. He did the same, touching it with his other hand and standing there with his head lowered as though he was talking in his mind to his goofy brother – as though he was praying.

When he moved again, he simply passed the room that had been his once and walked right to the last door that separated Raph’s room from the rest of the apartment. This time Donnie lifted both his hands and touched the door, at first gingerly, reverently, before he pressed his palms to the cold surface.

A heavy sigh escaped his mouth. He made a step closer to the door and rested his forehead against it. He stood like that for a long time, longer than by the doors of the previous two rooms. Cody got an impression he became the witness of something intimate and he remembered the long conversations between Raph and Donnie before Donnie’s disappearance. What happened to the purple-masked turtle? Where was his mask? And his bō staff? His gentleness and warmth? Who was this dark person and what was he doing? Greeting the strings that tied him to his past or saying his last goodbye?

Donnie finally raised his head and ran his hands over the smooth surface as though he was caressing it. The hood prevented Cody from seeing his face, but the gesture itself was so open as though Donnie let his protective walls fall for this short moment and showed his true feelings of love and loss.

The moment was over soon, though. Donnie stepped away from the door and walked towards his own room. The scanner installed in the floor identified the turtle as the owner of the room and the door opened for him. Before Donnie walked in, he looked in Cody’s direction. His one eye glistened in the darkness and Cody knew that Donnie had been aware of his presence the whole time. He still had let him see that brief moment of vulnerability.

They said nothing. Donnie turned around eventually and entered his room. After years of constant vigilance he reached the place where he could relax finally without any fears.

*

It seemed like a quiet, peaceful morning. Cody was eating his breakfast in the kitchen while Serling was cleaning and humming some catchy tune. Gradually his voice subsided and was exchanged for silence.

Cody raised his gaze from the breakfast in front of him. “Something bothering you, Serling?” he asked.

The robot turned to him. “Just thinking…” he said hesitantly.

“What about?”

“Donatello.”

“What about him?” Cody encouraged his robotic friend.

“He said he’d fought in war, but he had no weapons with him, not even his bō staff that used to be an inseparable part of him…”

Cody didn’t say anything; a little crease appeared on his forehead as he listened to the robot.

“I was just wondering what soldier runs from war without his weapons. He is too vulnerable alone in a war zone where anyone could kill him,” Serling mused.

“Maybe he lost them,” Cody said, uncomfortable with the course of the conversation. It only reminded him that he knew nothing about the Donnie that returned.

“I don’t think so…” Serling said slowly, polishing an old-fashioned coffee cup.

Suddenly a blast of light cut the space and the cup in Serling’s hands broke into pieces. When he and Cody turned around, Donnie was standing there, fully clothed in his uniform, with a smirk on his face and a laser blaster sticking out of the metal strip on his forearm.

“Does that answer your question?” he asked with a hint of mockery in his voice as the blaster disappeared under the metal attached tightly to his body, which meant…

Cody’s jaw dropped as he stared at his turtle friend and even Serling didn’t have much to say.

Donnie’s smirk turned from mocking to rather uncertain. “Pretty wicked, huh?” he said in a tone as though he wanted to convince them that having a weapon built into his own body was the greatest thing in the universe, but it came out hollow and sloppy.

He sat down at the table in front of Cody, giving him a rather shy smile which reminded the young man of the quiet, gentle, geeky turtle he used to know. Where was he now?

“Where’s your bō?” he asked, unable to help himself. He needed to know.

The smile fell from Donnie’s lips and a flicker of sincerity and sadness appeared in his brown eye, but it was gone almost immediately.

“I don’t have it anymore,” he said, the coldness in his voice making it clear that he didn’t want to talk about it.

Cody exchanged a glance with Serling in silent communication. Donnie was cold and distant as though he was ashamed for what happened to him, but on the other hand he seemed to be desperately looking for a way to tell them everything, he just didn’t know how. Showing them the blaster was probably supposed to be the first cry for help, the way of showing the will to share, but he needed a partner in this dialogue who would lead him through the hardship to let his protective walls fall and reveal the raw person hiding behind them.

It was Serling who decided to break the awkward silence that settled among them. “Your… um… boots. As a soldier, you surely didn’t go to a fight on bare feet.”

Donnie smirked again and Cody wanted to bang his head on the table. If there was a chance to slip through Donnie’s defenses, it was now, and Serling just buried that opportunity.

“Got rid of them. They were heavy and impractical when I ran away. I needed to be fast and silent,” Donnie shrugged indifferently. “What’s for breakfast?”

The conversation was over. Cody glared at Serling, but the robot didn’t see it. He answered Donnie’s question with a list of possible meals, and even when Donnie slid from his chair and went to get his breakfast from the appropriate meal machine, the robot was still enumerating the choices.

At one moment Cody had a great view at the back of Donnie’s head and he froze. Black signs tattooed on the olive-green skin made even Serling speechless, which meant he must have recognized them, and his reaction only confirmed Cody’s assumption. He realized that Donnie’s letting them see the tattoo was yet another cry for help.

Donnie took a half-empty plate and a mug of coffee, looking at the food with a rather odd expression. “I’ll eat in my room. Later,” he announced in the end and headed out of the kitchen.

Neither Cody nor Serling tried to stop him. They gazed at the back of Donnie’s head, the black signs grinning at them with the monstrosity of the deed hidden behind them.

*

The day went by. It was quite late when Donnie came out from his room, glaring as though he was pissed at the whole world, but when his eyes found Cody working on one of his projects, his forehead smoothed. He came closer, watching Cody for a while, not talking, not asking anything. He circled the machine Cody was working on, studied the circuits, checked components with the deep concentration Cody knew so well from the times before Donnie’s abduction. He stopped working, watching Donnie whose one eye shone with the familiar spark of the curious inventor he had used to be.

“It’s an intergalactic transporter. Or it should be when I finish it one day,” Cody said.

Donnie raised his head, just gazing at Cody, but then he looked again at the machine. “Daring,” he commented. “Challenging. If you finish it successfully, there’ll be no need for the engines I’ve developed.”

At first Cody didn’t know what to think about it, but when Donnie looked at him again, he could see a trace of a sincere smile. He couldn’t help his own lips curl upwards.

“It should make traveling through space much faster. And…” The smile disappeared from the young man’s face. “I meant it to help other families whose members went missing in their search for them. They could cover more ground in less time with this,” he added quietly.

Donnie stared, then nodded and turned his attention back to the machine. “That’s a good idea,” he said in the same quiet tone as Cody.

Cody didn’t stop watching him. Did Donnie think about his brothers not having been able to find him despite their frantic search? His face revealed nothing; no emotion, even that excited spark from before vanished.

“Donnie,” he addressed him coyly.

His friend didn’t even avert his gaze from the circuits. “Yes?”

“What happened to the crew members who were taken with you? Do you know?”

Donnie froze; his uncovered eye widened for a moment, and even though it stayed fixed on the machine, it was obvious it wasn’t focused on it anymore.

“Two were sold for some sort of games, because they were too… hmm... defiant. If I understood it right, it was some variation of ancient gladiator games, so I guess they are dead by now.”

“Sold?” Cody asked, scandalized.

Donnie shrugged. “On a slave market, yeah,” he said before he continued. “Another one didn’t survive the brainwashing procedures…”

“What?!?” This time Cody’s voice was an octave higher.

“I guess you know we were abducted by the Alliance for Natural Order. They wanted to turn us into their faithful, obedient soldiers for the upcoming war. Killing machines. That was the whole point of leaving us alive. Our bodies were strong, but… There were still a few miscalculations that cost our comrades their lives.”

“Donnie…”

“In the end there were only Triceraton Zed and I. He was killed in the war. When it happened, I ran and didn’t stop until I came here,” Donnie finished his story, still not looking at Cody. His voice was conversational as though he was just commenting weather and Cody understood it was his way of dealing with everything that had happened to him.

“I see,” said the young man sadly. He couldn’t imagine what Donnie must have gone through. The things he was saying sounded awful and how much worse were those he was keeping to himself?

He tried for an encouraging smile, but Donnie wasn’t looking. The turtle paid attention to Cody’s work, inspecting it closely, and when he finally turned to Cody, there was the familiar light in his brown eye, saying Donnie was back in his world of inventions and technologies.

“Try exchanging these two cables,” he said and poked the conductors with a small screwdriver, which he produced from one of the pockets on his belt. “See? There’s a problem with polarity.”

“Huh?” Cody looked at the cables Donnie showed him. “You’re right. I can’t believe I missed it.” He smiled again, but Donnie didn’t return the smile.

“It’s a small mistake, but it can turn crucial,” he said with a shrug, putting the screwdriver back into the pocket where it belonged. Before Cody could say anything, he continued. “Would you mind if I borrowed your tools?”

“No, not at all,” Cody said quickly, glad that this one thing about Donnie didn’t seem to have changed. “They’re your tools, too, anyway. Use whatever you need.”

“Thanks. You keep them in the same place?”

“Yes, no change.”

Donnie nodded and walked farther into the tech lab to one of the walls. A slight push and the wall revealed various types of neatly stacked toolboxes. Donnie reached for the one with small instruments used for work on tiny components or where a delicate approach was needed.

“Need a hand with something?” Cody asked in hope for some mutual activity with Donnie and to find out more about him that way.

“No, thank you,” Donnie disappointed him, not adding anything to explain what he was going to do or why he refused Cody’s help. Instead, he checked the contents of the toolbox and then headed out of the lab.

“Donnie,” Cody stopped him before the turtle could leave. “I thought that later when you feel like it you could inform the Institute and the Pan-Galactic Council that you are back…”

Donnie stopped abruptly in his mid-step and turned to Cody, his eye wide with panic. “NO!” he yelled.

Cody winced, bewilderment written on his face. “But…”

“No,” Donnie repeated. “By all means no. I was declared dead, I want to stay dead.” With that he turned on his heel and ran out of the lab, not giving Cody a chance to protest or ask anything.

*

Donnie didn’t come out of his room for the rest of the day, neither was he anywhere to be seen the next day. Cody didn’t want to be pushy, he wanted to give Donnie his space, but knowing the old Donnie who had used to forget to eat when he had been engrossed in some project of his didn’t help him to calm down very much.

“Serling, have you seen Donnie since yesterday?” he asked his robotic friend. Maybe he had noticed something that Cody had missed.

“No,” came the answer. “Donatello hasn’t come out of his room if that’s what you are asking.”

“So… he hasn’t even eaten…”

Serling looked like he was thinking about it. “No,” he said slowly. “I don’t think he has.”

Cody sighed. All right, maybe being a little pushy wouldn’t harm, would it?

As he stood at the door of Donnie’s room, he listened for a moment for suspicious sounds, but he could hear nothing. He knocked on the door lightly.

“Donnie? Are you okay?” he called.

There was nothing for a few seconds, but then the door opened, revealing Donnie in his black uniform with the small screwdriver in his hand that Cody had already known about and the patch on his left eye a bit awry while the right eye was watching Cody tiredly.

“What?” Donnie asked, scanning the corridor behind Cody’s back with an expression of a caught rabbit. “Did something happen?”

“No,” Cody said quickly. “Not at all. I was just wondering if you were all right. I haven’t seen you since yesterday…”

“Oh, that…” The tension in Donnie’s shoulders diminished. “I was working on something.”

Cody gave him a small smile. “I understood that when you took the toolbox.” His smile faded. “You haven’t eaten,” he stated.

Donnie blinked, looking confused for a moment, but then embarrassment settled in his features. “It’s easy to forget to eat when you are used to getting all the nutrition your body needs intravenously. I stopped feeling hunger a long time ago,” he explained awkwardly.

“… what?” Cody didn’t know what to think about it.

Donnie shrugged, his gaze cast down to his feet. He looked as though he was ashamed for what happened to him.

“Donnie, you must eat,” Cody said gently, but didn’t forget the emphasis. “There is no intravenous nutrition I can give you and…”

“Okay, I get it,” Donnie said impatiently. “I’ll come to eat, I don’t want to die of starvation. I just want to finish something.”

“Do you need help?” Cody knew he could hardly force Donnie to come to the kitchen and eat; the formerly purple-banded turtle could be as stubborn as his brothers, especially when he was working on something. So if he couldn’t make Donnie go eat right at that moment, he could at least offer his help so that the thing he was working on was done faster.

But Donnie shook his head. “No, I need to do this alone. I promise it won’t take long. An hour, two tops. If I don’t come in two hours, you can come and drag me into the kitchen. Deal?”

Cody sighed. What could he say? Donnie wasn’t a baby and two hours probably wasn’t such a long time.

“All right. See you later, then,” he said, noticing a small curl of Donnie’s lips in a sincere smile.

*

It took Donnie more than an hour, but definitely less than two, to come out from the refuge of his room. As he promised, he headed right for the kitchen to print himself the first thing that was on the menu of the 3D food printer. The coffee machine offered him a nicely smelling brew, although Donnie didn’t seem to be impressed by it very much.  

When he had eaten his meal (which he didn’t finish), he took the mug with coffee and strode to Cody’s tech lab where he found the young man doing the same thing as the previous day. When Cody saw Donnie with the coffee, he smiled. Donnie returned the smile tentatively and came closer. He put the mug on a table away from the machine Cody was working on before he knelt next to his friend.

“Want help?” he asked shyly as though he felt bad for having refused Cody’s offer before, but Cody’s smile widened.

“I’d appreciate it,” he said and pushed a toolbox in Donnie’s direction, but the brainy turtle already had his small screwdriver in his hand, inspecting the mechanism of the future intergalactic transporter.

After a moment Donnie glanced in Cody’s direction, reaching to the black patch over his left eye. He touched it timidly as if he was asking for some kind of permission to take it off.

Cody held his breath and waited. Silent communication passed between them which Cody didn’t understand, but whatever emotions his face betrayed, Donnie must have been satisfied with them  because he finally pulled the patch away, revealing a perfectly artificial organ. Or whatever it was. Because Cody wasn’t sure that that thing could be called an eye. It was like staring into a camera lens which was truly a weird feeling.

Donnie turned away from him and concentrated his attention on the circuits in front of him. He narrowed his right eye, the artificial one wide and focused.

“What is it?” Cody asked cautiously. He didn’t want to be pushy in case Donnie didn’t want to talk about that… that thing in place of his eye, but in the sole fact Donnie let him see it Cody read a hesitant will to share.

“It’s my new eye,” Donnie said, not looking at the young man. He was loosening a tiny screw holding two thin wires together with his screwdriver. “And it’s also a multifunctional device,” he added after a few seconds filled with tense silence. “It’s a camera, video recorder, thermal imagery camera, it’s equipped with zoom function and it’s also a reader of some body functions. For example, I can tell you now that your blood pressure is slightly higher than your average value.”

“Oh…” Cody didn’t know what to say, so he only watched Donnie fiddling with the wires. “What happened to your eye?” he asked after a few heartbeats.

“They took it out,” Donnie said, and his voice was supposed to sound indifferent, but there was that slight tinge of anger betraying his true emotions.

“Why? Was it hurt or…?”

“No, it was a perfectly healthy organ,” Donnie replied, and Cody noticed the tension in his shoulders. “They took it out only to replace it with this thing,” Donnie spat the last word, gripping the screwdriver tighter in his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Cody whispered. The bits of information Donnie already shared with him gave him a vague idea of the hell Donnie must have gone through during the years of his absence.

Donnie shook his head. “I told you the Alliance wanted soldiers. Obedient, super-strong soldiers. For them we were sinners who didn’t deserve to be the masters of our lives. For them we were just puppets that needed improvement. Therefore the weapons. Therefore the eye.” He sighed.

“Therefore the serial number on the back of your head,” Cody said, horrified by the things Donnie was telling him.

Donnie smiled sadly. “So you recognized it.”

“I did,” Cody said. “You were just a thing…”

“Yeah, just a thing…” Donnie closed his eyes, his own one just like the artificial one since both eyelids were intact, and lowered his head. He took a few deep breaths before he lifted his head again and looked at Cody. “One number is missing, though,” he said proudly. “The one that would say I’m a completed product.”

Cody winced as he heard those words. What worse could have happened to Donnie besides everything he had gone through?

Donnie noticed that and smirked. It wasn’t an amused smirk, but the cold one he had showed the night when he had broken into Cody’s home.

“Let’s say I was too stubborn to break under their brainwashing attempts,” he said, but the smirk disappeared quickly. “I wasn’t an obedient dog, I was a time bomb. But they needed me, because I was skilled. We all were equipped with tracking devices in our artificial eyes so that the Alliance knew about our whereabouts. But I felt that Zed and I were guarded more carefully. We were still able to think for ourselves.”

“How… how did you manage to run away, then?” Cody asked, curious.

“The last battle we fought in turned into total chaos. When Zed was killed I sniffed my chance. No one on the battlefield was paying attention to a soldier grieving over his comrade’s dead body and the only one who could guard me was the person checking our location. The Alliance was losing so I guessed their attention was more on their situation than some poor cyborg on the battlefield. So I took the risk and stabbed myself in the artificial eye.” He smirked again. “It hurt almost as much as if it was a real organ since it was connected to the nervous system.” He barked a laugh before he returned to his narration. “I hoped I’d manage to damage the circuits responsible for transmitting the data about my moving around. I wasn’t sure if I was successful. They looked for me, of course, and once they even got too damn close, but I was faster and hijacked one of their spaceships. I don’t know if they let me go because chasing after one stray puppet of theirs wasn’t worth their time and efforts or because I was able to mislead them after all. The point is I got here in the end. Yesterday, when I borrowed the toolbox, it was because I wanted to fix the damage I caused the artificial eye minus the tracking function. The thing turned out to be pretty useful, you know…” he finished his story with a tone as though he was ashamed for thinking something the Alliance came up with could be considered good.

“I get it. Without it you’re practically blind in one eye,” Cody said, trying to take away that shame. Donnie had nothing to feel ashamed of. He survived hell and whatever he did or didn’t do was only with one purpose: to live. He was a hero and not someone to look at with disdain.

“Yeah,” Donnie said dully, getting back to work.

They worked like that in companionable silence. The atmosphere between them was lighter and it felt like a great deal of the world’s heaviness fell from Donnie’s shoulders. He looked more relaxed; there was a tinge of familiar softness in his real eye and the corners of his mouth were definitely higher than a while ago. The crease on his forehead that had become Donnie’s trademark in the last couple of days was gone. Cody thought that for Donnie it was like coming clean from all the dirt he had brought with himself, both mental and physical.

They worked again the next day and the following. After Donnie had his breakfast, he usually joined Cody in the lab. He was slowly learning to not forget to eat his meals (and teaching his stomach to get used to food in small portions), even though he never looked impressed by them, not even coffee.

“Is there something wrong with the food?” Cody asked one morning after a week since Donnie had turned up in his house.

Donnie threw a surprised glance in Cody’s direction. “Hm?”

“You look like you eat only because you must, not because you enjoy it.”

Donnie looked at his plate and sighed. “It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It only… It suddenly feels weird eating again and feeling all the tastes when, for a long time, I tasted only my blood and dirt…”

“But… you do experience the tastes, right?” Cody wouldn’t have been surprised if Donnie had told him he had lost his sense of taste.

“I do,” Donnie said and Cody realized he was holding his breath. “It’s just… Sometimes they are too overwhelming, so I choose meals with fainter tastes. I even drink much weaker coffee than I used to,” he finished sadly, looking into his mug.

“I see,” Cody said, trying to keep the pity out of his voice.

Donnie shrugged and drank from his coffee. “Are we going to do some work today, too?” he asked after a moment.

“Sure.”

They finished their breakfast and headed for the lab. Cody watched Donnie’s relaxed demeanor with pleasure. After a few days Donnie became so comfortable around Cody that he didn’t mind showing him more of the “technical improvements” to his body. Through a set of wires coming out of his body from the metal strip on his forearm he was able to connect to the operating system of the intergalactic transporter and checked for errors on the holographic screen projected from his other forearm.

“There are a few minor bugs, but there shouldn’t be any problem fixing them,” he said.

“Can you do that?” Cody asked.

Donnie snorted. “Of course,” he said smugly, and the amused grin that formed on his lips warmed Cody’s heart.

They carried on with their work. Here and there Cody chanced a glance at Donnie’s semi-robotic body still clothed in his black armor. Especially the big metal plate on his chest caught Cody’s attention and he wondered if Donnie had taken it off – or any of his gear – ever since he had returned. If he had, it must have been somewhere in the privacy of either his or Raph’s room where, as Cody had found out just recently, Donnie spent nights.   

“Donnie?” he addressed him hesitantly, but with a significant amount of curiosity in that one simple word.

“Yes?” Donnie asked, not averting his gaze from the holographic screen.

“I just… I wondered. Do you ever take off the… the clothes?” he asked coyly.

The peace disappeared from Donnie’s face immediately as it was replaced by guarded expression. “It’s my uniform,” he said rather coolly.

“I get it,” Cody said, already regretting that he asked. It obviously wasn’t something Donnie was ready to talk about. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” Donnie said with a slight hunch of his shoulders. “It’s just… The things under it are much worse to look at than the uniform itself.”

“Is that all?” Cody asked, hoping he wasn’t pushing the matter too much, but a small smile curled Donnie’s lips.

“It helps to manage my body while using the tech stuff implanted into it.”

“Does it mean you can’t even take it off?”

“I…” Donnie hesitated. “I don’t know. I’ve never done that. I’m not completely sure how everything is interconnected and I haven’t even given it a thought so far. All is managed by software communicating with my nervous system, but I have no idea whether it’s placed in the armor or right in my body.”

“Maybe we could run diagnostics and find out,” Cody offered.

Donnie was quiet for a moment and when he spoke again, his voice was low and trembling. “Yes. When we finish this, let’s do it.”

Cody smiled. “Your wish is my command,” he said, getting back to work.

*

The diagnostics took almost the whole night, but it revealed a lot. Donnie’s body was heavily equipped with weaponry; he hadn’t been kidding when he had said he had been turned into a killing machine.

The software they had been talking about was installed on a microchip placed in Donnie’s body, but Cody saw no problem in getting it out, just like he was sure he was able to remove the weapons, too. However, not every change Donnie’s body had undergone could be undone. For example, Donnie’s artificial eye. Or some parts of his skeleton. As it turned out, the bones in Donnie’s arms and legs had been replaced by strong metal that wouldn’t break so easily.

“I can’t reverse all the things they did to your body, but I’m confident I can get you rid of most of it. But it will take a long time. Your body needs a while to recover from each surgery.”

“I don’t care as long as that crap gets out. I want to be a person again,” Donnie said, looking at Cody with hope.  

“You never stopped being a person,” Cody said resolutely, but the smile Donnie gave him didn’t belong to a convinced man.

“When can we start?” he asked in order to turn the course of the conversation to the subject that interested him more.

“If you want to, right now,” Cody said.

“Great!”

“I suggest starting with your left arm, then the right, and then we can proceed to your legs.”

Donnie nodded in agreement.

“I need to run some tests before we do anything.”

“Please, do,” Donnie encouraged his friend.

The morning was dedicated to checking Donnie’s body to see if it was strong enough to withstand the pressure of the coming surgeries. The theory was about to become a real thing and no mistake was tolerable. Cody wanted to be one hundred percent sure that he could bring his body back to what it had been once after all the gear was taken out. At first he needed to know if the nervous system and muscles could be restored and in case they couldn’t whether there was any way possible to recreate the original form of the organs and force them to act like parts of a body and not of some self-running computer system.

He found out that many neural connections had been disrupted and reconnected in different ways and so Cody needed to recreate the original connection by using artificial nerves. The same thing went for the muscles. Some of them had been taken out in order to make place for all the machinery implanted into Donnie’s body and Cody had to find some fitting substitute for them.

“How does it look?” Donnie asked from the scanner that checked his body functions and the damage done to his body by the Alliance for Natural Order.

“I can do this, but it’s a bit more complicated than I originally thought. I’ll need Starlee’s help,” Cody said, checking the big monitor on which he could watch the analysis of the condition of Donnie’s body.

Donnie froze. “Why her? Isn’t Serling enough?”

“Serling is a great helper and his hands never shake, but Starlee is much better in biological engineering. You need new muscles and nerves and they need nutrition, so you also need new veins. Starlee is the one who can cultivate them.”

Donnie frowned and looked away. “All right. She can know I’m back, but no one else,” he growled.

Cody turned from the screen and fixed his eyes on Donnie. “Why are you so opposed to the idea of anyone knowing you’ve survived? Are you afraid the Alliance could look for you?”

“They ARE looking for me,” Donnie said with conviction. “If they knew where I am, they would bring the war here.”

“Fine, I get THAT. But what about the institutions here? Why don’t you want ANYONE knowing? It’s not like Starlee or I are going to the Alliance and tell them you’re here. No one on Earth would do that,” Cody reasoned.

“That’s where you’re wrong. If the Institute or the Pan-Galactic Council knew about me, they would be forced to act more radically than they do now. The Earth would be in open war. And I’m not talking about the hope the families of the missing persons would suddenly have,” Donnie explained.

“Is that bad?” Cody didn’t understand how Donnie could be so selfish. People needed hope.

“Yes!” Donnie cried out, frustrated that Cody didn’t understand. “Their loved ones are NOT coming back. They’re either killed or brainwashed.”

“You did,” Cody pointed out.

“I was lucky, Cody. I was one of billions. I was stronger than most of them and…” Donnie looked away. “I forgot my family. I forgot I had one. I forgot I used to love…” He fell silent, jaw set, and unnatural fire blazing in his eye.

“What do you mean?” Cody asked, the fight out of his voice.

“I mean that I forgot everything. I was a brainwashed puppet just like the others. I was nothing but a machine doing according to their will,” Donnie growled.

“So… how did you…?” Cody started incredulously, eyeing Donnie with suspicion.

Donnie scowled. “I had a reminder,” he said, reaching for the straps holding his chest plate in its place and unfastening them. The plate fell to the ground with a sharp clank. Donnie reached to one of the pockets on his belt and produced a pocket knife. He opened it and started cutting the fabric of his uniform from the neck towards his belly. In the end, he simply tore it to reveal his chest.

Cody held his breath and his heart skipped a beat as he could see the horror. Deep into Donnie’s plastron were carved the names of his family members. Raphael. Michelangelo. Leonardo. Splinter. And under them in smaller letters: Donatello.

“Who did that?” Cody whispered the question as though it couldn’t be spoken aloud.

“I did,” Donnie said in a firm, cold voice. “I was going mad. This was the only thing that helped me to hold on the last sliver of sanity. For them I kept going. And every night when I felt the pain of running my screwdriver over the letters again and again, deepening the grooves, I remembered anew who I was and where I came from.” He touched the names reverently, caressing them lightly. Cody noticed that Raph’s name was carved deepest and Donnie’s fingers lingered on it for a few seconds longer than on the others. Then his eyes traveled to the smaller letters. How bad it must have been if Donnie needed to be reminded of his own name?

Donnie reached for the chest plate to strap it back on its place.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Cody said quietly.

Donnie nodded, accepting the apology. “Can we get back to disarming my body?” he said when the plate was back in its place, hiding Donnie’s greatest treasure and torture from the eyes of the world again. He didn’t care about the torn uniform, he wasn’t planning to keep it on after the surgeries.

“Yes, of course,” Cody said quickly and maybe more enthusiastically than was appropriate, but he was happy they could turn the course of their conversation to a safer ground.

Together they formed a plan consisting of individual steps. The first one was disconnecting the weapons and all the machinery from the software controlling them. Since Donnie’s artificial eye was controlled by it, too, it was decided the microchip would stay.

Starlee was thrilled to know Donnie survived, but was quite disappointed when she was told Donnie didn’t want anyone to know about his return. She happily agreed to help to cultivate muscle, nerve and vein tissues, though.

“How do you feel?” Cody asked when he and Donnie managed to break the safeguard of the operating system controlling all the hardware in Donnie’s body. It wasn’t as simple as it sounded and they spent hours trying to breach it. Only the next morning after a long, busy day and a sleepless night they finally hacked the system and made the needed adjustments.

Donnie stretched out both arms, waited for a moment as though something was supposed to happen, then he moved his fingers and let his arms sink.

“It’s weird,” he said. “Not bad weird, but… weird. I think I got used to the weaponry a bit too much. It’s been years.”

“I understand,” Cody said gently. “Maybe it’s time to get back to your original weapon that was not literally attached to your body.”

Donnie said nothing to that, he looked more interested in adjusting the operating system on the microchip so that the functionality of his artificial eye was not endangered.

It took a few more days until Starlee informed them the tissues for Donnie’s arm were ready for surgery. Since disconnecting the hardware in his body from the system Donnie seemed even more relaxed and comfortable with himself. He seemed to enjoy the days finally; he wasn’t surviving, he started living. A familiar spark returned to his brown eye, even though it was rather hesitant. It was nice seeing him getting slowly back to his old self. Nevertheless, Cody wondered how the surgeries were going to affect his friend.  

When he was coming out of the kitchen the evening before Donnie’s first surgery, he heard voices coming from the room where the computer with the big screen they used for communication with the outside world was placed. The first voice belonged to Donnie, but it was gentle and cheerful, lacking the current gruffness. It was accompanied by the husky sound of Raph’s voice and that was the moment when curiosity took control over Cody’s steps and led him towards the door of the room. He peeked inside to see Donnie sitting in front of the big screen and watching the record of old conversations with his family. In a smaller square window in the right upper corner of the screen were Donnie’s brothers and Master Splinter, talking to his younger self yet untouched by the abduction and war, still having two eyes and wearing his purple mask. Donnie’s eye that wasn’t covered by the black patch was fixed on his family, the deepest sorrow reflecting in his features.

“You can go back to them. It’s still possible,” he said softly.

Donnie sighed heavily. “I’m not sure I deserve them anymore. After everything…”

“I don’t know, Donnie. What happened to you wasn’t your fault, but I know there are many things you don’t share and you’re probably not proud of. But let me tell you this: maybe you really don’t deserve them, but they don’t deserve to spend the rest of their lives thinking their brother is dead. They took it very hard, especially Raph. He didn’t want to accept the possibility he might not see you ever again.”

At the mention of Raph’s name Donnie stopped gazing at the screen and turned to Cody, his expression unreadable.

“They missed you very much,” Cody continued, encouraged by Donnie’s attention, “and I know you do miss them, too. The names carved into your plastron betray you.”

Donnie bit his lip and looked away. “Maybe…” he said quietly, but then he stood up from the computer. “I have other things to worry about right now. Like the surgery tomorrow. I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Cody.”

“Goodnight, Donnie,” said the young man and turned the computer off. When he was heading to his room to sleep, he noticed Donnie enter Raph’s room…

*

The surgery was a long and complicated procedure. Donnie stayed awake so that he could help with his medical knowledge, watching the surgery on a holographic screen above his head. The nerves in his arm were numbed by extremely strong analgesics, but even if he did feel pain, he was already so used to it that he wouldn’t say anything anyway.

After the surgery everyone, even Serling, was so tired, they went right to sleep. Donnie retired to Raph’s room, cradling his arm, and lay on his brother’s bed, curling up into a ball like a lost puppy. He was still doped with the painkillers and in combination with exhaustion he felt drunk.

He slept the whole next day and was only woken the morning after by sharp pain in his left arm, covered from shoulder to wrist by sterile bandages and fixed by a piece of white cloth tied at the nape of his neck. Despite all that his first steps didn’t lead to the infirmary but to the kitchen where he found Cody and Starlee.

He didn’t eat; he felt like he would throw up if he tried to force anything into his stomach. He was trembling, the look of his eye unfocused. Luckily, Cody and Starlee noticed his discomfort right away and took him to infirmary to give him painkillers. Despite the fact the pain eased quite a lot, the effect of the meds left Donnie dazed. He was sitting on a couch the whole day long, staring at nothing in particular. It took more than a week before he could use weaker painkillers and was able to join in life in Cody’s home.

He didn’t understand it. After everything he had gone through he didn’t think that such a surgery would leave him so weak and vulnerable. He didn’t like it, not a bit. And when he realized it was only one arm and he was going to endure more of such shit, it made him feel sick. He needed motivation to go on. And so he spent evenings watching the old records of his calls to his family. His heart always beat faster when he could see their faces and hear their voices. Cody was right, Donnie missed them so fucking much and he felt like no one without them. He needed them. He loved them and wanted to be back with them… but could he? He was bringing mud and dirt with him, he was a broken toy, a monster, a killer, a lost soul that didn’t know what to do anymore. He had no aim, his life had no point; not without them, anyway. Who was he? He wasn’t Donatello the inventor, the engineer and the family doctor. He was…

He didn’t even know his serial number. He was just… something. Something broken and dangerous. He had no name, no identity, no point of existence. He didn’t belong anywhere. He was lost in time and space, afraid of himself and disgusted with what he had become. No one. Nothing.

He was Nothing. That was his new name…

“We can start planning the next surgery,” Starlee said one day when she checked Donnie’s arm. The wounds healed nicely and it had already been a week since he had started using it. The new muscles needed training and if Donnie wanted to get back to form, he needed to do exercises.

The mention of the new hell he was going to endure scared him, but he was a master in concealing his true feelings. He gave Starlee a small smile and nodded.

The evening before the second surgery he watched the records of the talks with his family again and he realized he was doing this not for himself, but for them. They were his motivation. He imagined what they would have said, how they would have reacted if they had seen him with all the machinery inside of his body. Would they have been disgusted? What would they have thought if he had told them he had killed many good people with it? Innocent people?

As he thought about it, he hated himself even more. He was getting rid of the things that had brought his downfall and he hoped he could go back to who he had been once. But was it possible? Wasn’t he just kidding himself?

Another surgery was over and he felt like crap. He didn’t come out from Raph’s room for two days this time. The medicaments made him groggy and he was losing motivation. That was why when he had finally left the room, he was sitting at the computer, watching the records of the conversations again. He was not letting this weakness defeat him. He was not letting the Alliance for Natural Order win.

He could hardly focus on the faces in the small square in the corner of the screen or the words said, but he listened to the voices, to their melody, and let himself be lulled to sleep once more, dreaming about home, about his father and brothers, about Raph…

Cody and Starlee, even Serling, were careful around him. They kept their distance and Donnie was grateful for that, because he didn’t feel like dealing with them. Nevertheless, they were always close and he knew that if there was anything, the only thing he needed to do was to turn around. They came to bother him only when it was time to eat, take meds or for a check-up. He could stand that. 

The less machinery was in his body, the more he missed his family. In his thoughts he returned to the times when he still had been with them. Why had he left them? It had been supposed to be just for a few months. If he had known he wouldn’t see them again, he would have chained himself to each of them and he would have used the strongest chain to tie himself to Raph – for all the things he had wanted to tell him and hadn’t.  

He lost track of time. Days turned into nights and nights into days. He ate, he slept, he took his meds, and he trained. He underwent the last surgery. It was decided both his legs would be operated on at the same time. They already knew how to do it and he wouldn’t be able to stand on his feet for some time, anyway, so why prolong the agony?

He was amazed how much hardware his body was able to contain. Cody was trying hard to keep a straight face, but Starlee needed some time for herself after every surgery. Donnie didn’t blame her, it wasn’t a nice sight.

With the last surgery he also lost the last bits of his uniform. He should probably have felt happy, but he felt naked without it. The only two things he kept were the chest plate hiding his most significant scars and the black belt with the pockets.

He was confined to bed for several days, but as sick as he felt, he didn’t even feel like leaving the room even when he was given a fully automated wheelchair.

He was just staring at the ceiling while thinking about his family when Cody entered the room, bringing Donnie his meds: painkillers and antibiotics against possible infections. He lifted himself onto his elbows and swallowed the pills obediently. Cody smiled and sat down on the bed next to Donnie, who lay down again.

“How do you feel?” he asked him, the smile still present on his lips.

Donnie smiled back. “Lighter,” he said.

Cody laughed. “I bet.”

Donnie said nothing to that. His statement was true, but it was also a lie at the same time. Yes, he got rid of the weight of all the metal he had carried with him wherever he went, but there was something else now he felt ashamed of. This last surgery was supposed to free him from the bloody past; he should feel at peace, but it only left him with nothing to hold onto, with no further goal, no idea what to do now.

There was nothing that could give him purpose and therefore he felt lost and useless. He was on a brink of thinking that giving up his cyborg life was a mistake. At least it had given him some identity, but who was he now? Not a soldier, not a machine, not a ninja, not even a brother. He didn’t belong anywhere, not here, not there (wherever there was) and he felt even lonelier than before he had gotten all the machinery taken out of his body. He cooperated with the others, he talked to them, but the thought there was nothing before him, nothing to look forward to or accomplish, threw him into the dark place of self-loathing.

In order to ease his restlessness, the moment he felt well enough to leave the bed he sat in the wheelchair and made a beeline for the computer with the records. He spent days watching them, listening to the cheerful chatters, and every time the conversations turned into talks only between him and Raph, his heart fluttered. Even after the painful years he didn’t forget. The hell he went through hadn’t managed to erase the deepest, sweetest emotions. They were rooted in his very core and formed him into the person he once had been…

The person he still was.

Donnie’s eye widened as he stared at Raph’s face. His brother was smiling, listening intently to Donnie’s discourse about microbiology with his head slightly tilted to one side, and he must have been bored to death, but he never ever showed even the slightest sign of disinterest. Donnie reached out towards the screen as though he wanted to touch Raph’s face, to caress it, to remember how it felt being close to him.

The record ended and he pressed the button to start a new one – the last one. His family gathered around the screen just like every day. They updated him on their day. Mikey talked about his newest videogame and told Donnie how they were going to try it together when he got home. He remembered how he had been looking forward to spending some quality time with his youngest brother. Leo asked questions about the progress of the mission, but then he talked about the new functions of their dojo, and Donnie had known immediately how he was going to improve them. Master Splinter wanted to know about his son’s well-being, if he ate properly and slept enough, if he  needed anything from home they could send him and when he was coming home. Talking to Father had always warmed Donnie’s heart: Master Splinter was home and Donnie knew that whatever happened he could always turn to him without fear of rejection or misunderstanding. But could he still? Cody greeted him shortly and asked some advice about the project he was working on. The conversation with him was short.

And the very last was Raph. He had always waited until everyone said their bits and then scattered through the house to engage themselves in their own activities. Donnie listened to Raph’s short summary of the things he had done since they had talked to each other the last time. Raph wasn’t much for talking; he preferred action to words, in this case listening to talking. He asked Donnie about his day and then let him take the floor. Donnie had no problem with it. He talked about the continuation of the mission, then he skipped to things that regarded solely him and his activities. Raph offered his view on the problem Donnie was talking about or he made fun of him in his slightly crude but still gentle way. Donnie loved that.

Just like he loved Raph.

He loved him with his whole heart; he had loved him for years, but had never mustered enough courage to tell him. And suddenly he had been away from home and Raph had been the one who didn’t mind spending hours just listening to Donnie’s scientific babbling. And so Donnie had decided to risk and reveal the secret of his heart. He had thought the distance would save them the awkwardness after such things were said and that it would give Raph the time to think about it.  

“Raph…” he heard himself say, the gruffness not yet present in his voice.

“Yes, Donnie?” It was amazing how tender Raph’s tone could be sometimes. Donnie remembered his heart having beaten against his ribcage like mad. He could see himself opening his mouth, the look of his eyes hopeful and pleading at the same time, when suddenly they were interrupted.

“Hey, Raph!” Mikey’s booming voice echoed from the speakers. “Cody brought a new videogame. Wanna try it out?”

“I’m talkin’ to Donnie, knucklehead,” Raph growled, but Donnie’s courage had already wavered. He had reconsidered his decision to tell Raph when there wouldn’t be zillions of miles separating them. How foolish he had been…

“Go and play, we’ll talk again tomorrow,” he heard his younger self say.

Raph turned to the screen. “Ya wanted to tell me somethin’.” He wanted to know, Donnie saw it in his eyes. Raph was curious, but Donnie had been stupid and a coward. It had been his last chance and he hadn’t used it.

“It’s nothing,” his idiotic self said. “It can wait when I come back home. Tell the others I miss them.”

“We miss you, too, Brainiac. Ya sure ya don’t wanna talk about it?”

“Raph,” Donnie whined in his wheelchair as he watched his brother’s face on the screen. Raph had been giving him a chance after chance to go on and spill what had been on his heart, but Donnie had been a stubborn son of a bitch. It had been easier to stay quiet and give himself the benefit of planning how he would tell Raph when they were together again.

“Yeah, pretty sure. Have fun,” said the Donnie on the screen while the one in the wheelchair put his head in his hands.

“All right. Talk to ya tomorrow.” If only he had known that “tomorrow” was never going to come…

“Yeah…”

The end. There were no more words from his family if Donnie didn’t just want to start watching the records from the beginning. His heart was aching, beating fast, grieving over the lost chances. Donnie sat there with his head in his hands while the computer screen went black. He knew he wasn’t alone in the room; he had felt Cody’s presence long before he finished watching the last and most significant record in his history of existence, the proof of his greatest failure.

A hand rested on his shoulder. “There’s a way to finish that conversation, you know,” said a soft voice.

Donnie took a deep breath and his hands sank to his scarred thighs. “It’s been years. He’s surely forgotten.”

“Then you can remind him.”

Donnie looked up at Cody. His friend was smiling and there was a strange determination in his face.

“I can see you’re not happy here, Donnie, and I agree with you that you don’t belong here.”

“I never said that…” Donnie said weakly.

“You didn’t need to. Your behavior spoke for you.” Cody glanced at the dark screen of the computer. “You need them and they need you. It’s time to go home, Donnie.”

Donnie took a deep breath and looked at the screen himself. “You’re probably right,” he said in the end and felt an involuntary twitch in the corners of his mouth trying to curl into a smile.  

Chapter 3: Sewer Sweet Sewer

Donnie’s days started making sense again. An unfeigned smile stretched over his lips from time to time and his one brown eye shone with true happiness. He was looking forward to going home even though there was so much that needed to be done before that. The first thing was to get well again. His wounds were healing nicely and with time he was able to stand up and start training his legs. He needed to get his strength back before he traveled in time. But nothing, not even the dizziness caused by strong meds could stop him from working on the time transporter. He and Cody needed to do some difficult calculations so that Donnie didn’t end up in Jurassic Park instead of NYC at the beginning of the 21^st century. 

When he wasn’t engrossed in work, he trained. He wanted to get back to shape as soon as possible, but wasn’t foolish enough to expect miracles from his body. He took it easy, everything in its own time. At the beginning he was glad he could even walk. After a few days he added some simple exercises. It still took him several weeks until he was able to run and jump or lift heavy burdens.

As he was getting better, he started spending time in the dojo, going through various training programs, taking it from the simplest levels to more difficult ones. He still didn’t feel in the right shape to try the hardest levels, but he was slowly getting there.

Cody offered to produce a new bō staff for Donnie or any other weapon he wished for, but Donnie refused. He dreamed about his weapon of choice, but he felt like after everything he had done he didn’t deserve to hold it in his hands ever again. Not without his sensei’s approval, anyway.

“You’re making progress,” Cody told him one day as he watched Donnie’s training.

Donnie grinned as he turned to him, jumping on the spot. “I feel much better.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” Cody smiled back. “Then I hope you’ll feel even better when I tell you that I finished the calculations for the time transporter.”

Donnie stopped jumping. “You did? I thought we’d do it together,” he said, surprised.

Cody shrugged. “I had nothing better to do. You can check them if you like, but I think I was pretty precise and found the right time spot for you.”

“Which means?”

“About a year after your family’s return.”

Donnie nodded. He wished he could return into a closer time spot to the one of his family’s return, but numbers spoke clearly. The closer the time ruptures were to each other, the more dangerous it was for the whole time continuum.

“All right. But I’d still love to see the calculations if you don’t mind,” he said in a professional tone.

“Of course not,” Cody replied as they walked out of the dojo.

Donnie checked and double-checked the calculations, but Cody was right; he did a good job and found the perfect time spot for Donnie’s return.

Donnie sighed. Whatever. The point was he was going home, back to his father and brothers, that they were FINALLY going to be together.

And he felt nervous suddenly. It hadbeen a long time. Cody had said Donnie’s disappearance had hurt his family. How were they going to react if he suddenly appeared in the lair? There were going to be questions, he knew that, and he would need to answer them. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t know how he felt about retelling his story and so reliving all that hell one more time. But they deserved to know and for them he would do it.

“So? Is it correct?” Cody asked with a rather smug expression.

“Yes, every single number.” Donnie could appreciate good work when he saw it.

“Are you going home, then?” he asked, his smile getting softer.

Donnie turned from the computer screen on which the complicated calculations flashed. “You mean… like… right now?”

“Is there something you need to do first?” Cody came closer, looking at his friend.

“No, I just…” Donnie looked at the still healing scars on his arms and legs. “I…”

“It’s sudden,” Cody helped him to find the right word.

“Yes,” Donnie said shyly. “Don’t take me wrong, I was looking forward to this moment, but now, when it’s finally here, I…”

“You’re scared.”

Donnie grimaced, but said nothing. He turned to the screen, staring at the numbers as though they were hiding an answer to his insecurities.

Cody came closer and put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I know it can be frightening. You don’t know what to expect. They went too long without you and they may not be in the same place anymore…”

“Finding them is a piece of cake. I know how to track a brother and…” Donnie knocked on the patch over his artificial eye, “I’m designed for such things,” he grinned ruefully. They were able to reverse most of the things that had been done to his body, but some things couldn’t be undone. He didn’t want to think about it, though. This was who he was now, he accepted that and now it was time to move on.   

He threw a last glance at the screen before he stood up from the chair in which he was sitting.

“Let’s do this,” he said with resolution, taking a deep breath. After years of pain, fear, longing and losing himself he was finally going back to his family. He was still worried about the burden of his sudden disappearance and what had become of him, but it was his family, his father and brothers, and Cody was right, they didn’t deserve to live without knowing that Donnie had survived. And if they found out they couldn’t live with him, if he found out their presence was too much for him, if they were hurting each other, he could always go and live his own life without spoiling theirs. He already knew how to live without them.

They walked into a farther corner of the lab. Starlee and Serling were already there.

“Have a safe trip,” Starlee said and gave him a quick hug. Donnie suppressed the urge to push her away while she was doing that and was glad when the hug was over. He felt uncertain and kind of threatened by such a display of affection even though he knew it was stupid.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, turning to Cody and Serling.

“Say hi to your family for me,” Cody said with a grin.

“I hope they like it back in their time,” Serling added his two cents, and Donnie couldn’t but smile.

“I’m sure they love being back home, especially Raph.” He remembered his hotheaded brother having yelled here and there how he hated future. Back then, Donnie had thought it was adorable, although he had enjoyed future himself – there were so many possibilities. Only later he had found out about the courses of possibilities he’d love to never know.

He adjusted one of the straps holding his chest plate.

 “Take care, Donnie,” Cody said, stretching out his hand.

Donnie took it and shook, a small smile curling his lips. “Thank you for everything.”

“Don’t mention it. You’re family.”

Donnie’s smile widened. He stepped onto the platform of the time transporter and looked at the three figures watching him. Cody came up to the computer controlling the device, pressing a few buttons.

“Good luck!” he called as Donnie’s form fluttered.

Donnie raised his hand and waved briefly. He kept staring at Cody, Starlee and Serling until the room around him disappeared completely and he found himself in a time portal taking him home. He felt his heart beating nervously.

It didn’t take long and he fell on the pavement in one of the New York side streets at the beginning of the 21^st century. Although it was night, he backed into the shadows immediately. Removing the patch from his artificial eye, he scrutinized his surroundings. The future technology enabled him to get detailed knowledge about everything that was going on around him. New York was the city that never slept; there were always people walking the streets or driving their vehicles, lost existences hiding in back alleys and waiting for their chance like the homeless man across the street, pigeons cooing on the rooftops, pests feeding on garbage or trying to survive the attack of bigger animals like the rat hiding behind a dumpster from a hungry cat in the corner of the alley. There was so much going on.

Donnie noticed a manhole farther in the alley, but it didn’t interest him right now. He was looking at the rooftops as though something was telling him that the thing he was looking for was up there. The night was warm, clouds hid the stars and shadows were long and dark – the perfect time for vigilantes to run their patrols.

He didn’t think long; he jumped on the nearest fire escape and proceeded upwards. Rooftops provided him with the perfect view at the city whereas they offered him shelter from prying eyes. He could move freely without the fear of being seen; he jumped from roof to roof just out of sheer joy of being back where he had grown up.

After some time he stopped and looked around, scanning his surroundings with his artificial eye, but except pigeons crapping on rooftops and insects buzzing around he could detect no other living creature. He sighed and looked up at the sky. Chills ran up his spine and he shivered, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to look at it the same way as before. He lost himself there and now it was the time to find out what the meaning of his further existence was.

The fear of meeting his family was back, but he didn’t come so far to bail on them. He needed something to hold onto, however, someone to help him to overcome that unease that made him hesitate.

He averted his gaze from the cold, unfriendly sky and focused the attention of his artificial eye into distance. He still needed to pass a few blocks before he got to the area where their human friends lived. If someone could give him an update on his family and tell him what he could expect from them without freaking out at the sight of him, it was April. He trusted the young woman, because there was nothing else he could do. Maybe he was unfair, maybe he was just using her as a mediator between him and the ones he loved most in the world despite the fact he had no idea how the things between her and the mutant family had changed, but Donnie hoped the friendship had survived the hard time of separation.

He wasn’t sure what exactly he expected from her. Maybe a word of encouragement? Or breaking the news to his family so that meeting him wasn’t such a big shock for them? Anyway, she seemed to be exactly the person that would know what to do, because Donnie was lost. That was probably why he was still up here and not down in the sewers already.

He frowned at his own indecisiveness. He wanted to do something, but he was afraid to go for it. He remembered how he had missed his chance years ago. He had been waiting for a tomorrow that had never come. Since then he had been acting as though every moment was his last. So why was he hesitating now?

He touched his chest plate under which the most precious names were engraved into his plastron. He didn’t want them to be a memory anymore. Here was his chance to renew their meaning, he only needed to get a grip on himself.

Finally, he came to the resolution: no fear, no regrets. He could do this. First April, then his family.

He took a deep breath and started running. When he reached the edge of the rooftop, he bounced and floated gracefully through the air to the next roof.  He didn’t stop there, he kept running and jumping from roof to roof. While he was moving he spent no time thinking about his unease.

He relied on his artificial eye to warn him just in time if there was something unusual going on in front of him. So far the temperature sensors gave him only the information about birds, but suddenly Donnie noticed something bigger several rooftops ahead of him. He stopped and watched the two figures in the distance. From the spot where he was he could hardly tell who it was, so he switched to night vision as he started sneaking closer.

Two more jumps on trained, silent feet; clouds gave him the advantage of invisibility. Hiding in shadows as much as possible he proceeded forward. He stopped only for a moment to focus the lenses of his artificial eye when suddenly his heart gave a painful jump. He recognized them – a dark-haired human bulk and a green turtle mutant. Each of them was sporting a bottle in their hands. The mutant took a proper swig as soon as the cap of the bottle was unscrewed, not waiting for a friendly clank of bottles with his human friend before drinking. Something was said, but Donnie couldn’t hear from his spot.

He needed to get closer. He ran to the edge of the roof on which he was standing and started climbing down the fire escape. He didn’t want to risk more jumps from roof to roof, even though he was still quite far and it would have been faster, but he didn’t want the two to notice him just yet. Hidden in the shadows, he used the back alleys to get to the right building.

He used a fire escape again to climb onto the rooftop. His heart was hammering in his chest and his unease only grew since he had spotted the figures. He could stop, turn around and hold to the original plan, but something within him didn’t allow him to do it. He was curious and after so many years of not having seen his family he bumped into one of them so unexpectedly. He was afraid, yes, he was scared shitless, but he trusted his brother and that trust urged him to go on, go there, listen and act according to what he heard.

That was why he was lurking behind a structure holding a billboard now, listening carefully to the conversation of two friends.

“… ya sure ‘bout that, Raph? Leo didn’t seem impressed when ya said ya were goin’ out.”

“Leo ain’t my mom. I can do whatever I damn please.”

“Sure, but… Today’s a year since ya returned, man. Your family probably hoped ya’d stay with them tonight.”

“Then they were mistaken. I needed air, Casey. I’m with them every freakin’ day. We spend more time together than we ever did before...” The red-masked turtle fell silent. He looked up at the sky, taking another swig from his beer. “Look, I wanted one quiet evenin’ on a rooftop with a six-pack. Is that too much to ask?”

Casey didn’t answer. Raph sighed heavily and sat down, turning his face to the cloudy night sky once again. Casey sank down next to his turtle friend, drinking from his beer slowly while Raph seemed to want to finish his beer as soon as possible.

Donnie watched the duo. The artificial eye enabled him to zoom in on Raph’s face in which deep sorrow and pain reflected.

“I still can’t believe it,” Raph said after a few seconds of silence. “He’s not even there yet,” he waved his hand towards the sky, “and he’s already dead. Or they said so at least…” He frowned, drinking again. Donnie noticed there wasn’t much beer left in the bottle.

“Whatcha think? Do ya believe it?” Casey asked, turning his face to the sky, too.

Raph shrugged. “Dunno. I’d rather think he’s out there unable to return than dead.” He raised the hand in which he held the bottle, but he let it sink again. “Ya know… Before he disappeared… he wanted to tell me somethin’. But Mikey called me to play some stupid video game with him and Donnie... He didn’t want to talk ‘bout it anymore. Said we’d talk when he got back. But he didn’t. They took him and we never saw him again. That was the last thing he said to me,” Raph said and Donnie’s heart skipped a beat. Even in his wildest dreams he wouldn’t dare to hope Raph would remember that piece of conversation.

Casey tore his gaze from the sky, glancing at Raph. “Maybe it was nothin’ important.”

“Maybe,” Raph admitted. “But judgin’ from his expression, it was important to him.”

 “Do ya have any idea what it could be?”

Raph shook his head and this time when he raised his hand with the beer bottle, he drank up its remaining contents.

Up to that moment Donnie’s heart beat wildly, rushing blood saturated with adrenaline through his partly artificial veins. But suddenly… he was calm. The world around him stood still, every sound of the city died out and the breeze he could feel on his face stopped blowing.

He pulled the black patch back on his mechanic eye and came out from his hiding place. As he walked silently, he felt like a soldier on a battlefield following a mission he was about to accomplish. That idea brought peace into his soul; the feeling was something familiar, something he could hold onto, something he was looking for.

He wasn’t afraid anymore. However this encounter was going to end, he wasn’t scared of the outcome. Everything was better than death and he was not going to die, not since he had survived to this moment, to his new chance. He was going to grab it and use it as he had been supposed to do so many years ago.

The movement alerted both Raph and Casey. They jumped up to their feet, Raph’s sais in his hands while Casey lifted his fists, ready to fight. Donnie stayed calm. Even though he was unarmed and outnumbered, thanks to the military training of the Alliance he could take them both down without much effort if need be. But they didn’t attack; they stood there with dumbstruck expressions on their faces.

Donnie came closer, his attention focused solely on his brother. A coy smile curled his lips.

“He wanted to tell you that he was in love with you,” he said before the two could recover from their shock.

Raph’s sais clanked on the floor as they fell out of his hands and Casey let his hands sink. They were still staring at the newcomer, who was standing there, smiling and not moving.

“Donnie?” Raph uttered at last, his voice weak and shaky as though he was afraid that the word could bite him in the ass in case he was wrong.

Donnie’s smile widened a little and a spark of joy flickered in his eye. “Yes, Raph, it’s me.”

“Donnie….” Raph breathed out and shortened the distance that was still separating them to a minimum. “Donnie.” His hands came up to touch lightly his brother’s face. “Is that really you?”

Donnie lifted his own hands and placed them over Raph’s, pressing the emerald-green palms to his olive cheeks. “I returned,” he whispered, tilting his head to nuzzle the dark skin and deliver a small kiss.

“Donnie!” Raph cried out suddenly, years and years of pain, fear and sorrow echoing in that name. He flung his arms around his brother’s neck, hugging as if he never wanted to let him go again.

Donnie folded his own arms around Raph, feeling the scutes of his shell under his fingers. Rubbing them lightly, he remembered what home felt like.   

Raph pressed his face to Donnie’s neck and the olive-skinned turtle could hear a quiet sob. “Donnie…”

Donnie smiled again. He turned his head so that he could whisper right into Raph’s ear slit. “I’m here, Raph, and I‘m never going to leave you again.”

*

It took Raph a long time until he peeled himself off of Donnie, but he never stopped touching him. There was always a hand resting on Donnie’s shoulder or biceps or a finger looking for a partner it could hook with.

The brothers didn’t pay much attention to their human friend and after Casey welcomed Donnie back, he took the rest of the beer and headed home, knowing that the night on the roof getting drunk with his turtle friend was over. He understood that Raph and Donnie needed their time. Raph was absolutely unable to say anything more than repeating Donnie’s name over and over again, hugging him, then scrutinizing his face, hugging him again, touching the black patch over Donnie’s artificial eye as though he was trying to make sense of it, then hugging him again and sobbing quietly into his neck. When he pulled away again, he stared at Donnie’s chest plate, ready to touch it, but Donnie took his brother’s hands into his, putting a stop to his curiosity.

“Later, Raph,” he said gently.

Raph’s eyes narrowed, betraying the emotion he wasn’t letting out yet. But it was soon over and he threw himself around Donnie’s neck one more time.

“Donnie,” he whined, squeezing him in his strong arms.

“Yeah…” Donnie said with a smile, nuzzling Raph’s neck.

“I can’t believe it. It was so long.”

“I’m sorry,” Donnie whispered into Raph’s skin, snuggling into him like an overgrown puppy.

Raph sighed quietly, contentedly, pressing Donnie to his chest. He tilted his head towards the sky only for a briefest moment before he turned his attention back to his brother. He tightened the hold around him as though he wanted to tell the invisible enemy to fuck off and leave Donnie alone, and Donnie was grateful for that gesture; he felt important and protected, not a number anymore.

“We should go home. The others need to know you’re back,” Raph said suddenly, pulling away a little, so that he could look into Donnie’s eye. He smiled, his eyes shining with inner light, and Donnie realized what had felt so off with Raph when he had watched him from his hiding place. His fire had been gone, but now Donnie could see a new spark.

Raph pulled away completely, but his hand slid into his brother’s, so Donnie didn’t even have time to feel the loss.

“We returned to the abandoned gas station. Everything was the same as we left it when we were transferred to future,” Raph started as he led Donnie to the fire escape. There he let go of his hand and started climbing down, but he kept checking if Donnie was following. When they reached the pavement, Raph grabbed his hand again, pulling him to the nearest manhole, and kept talking. He didn’t stop talking even when they were walking through the maze of sewers, gripping Donnie’s hand as though he was afraid his brother could disappear if he let go. And he was still talking about insignificant things like dirt in the sewers, flickering lights, the deliciousness of this century’s food, rats and hunting cats, pigeon droppings on the rooftops… Donnie listened to him with a slight smile on his face, watched as Raph kept turning to him every now and then and thought how odd Raph acted. Donnie would have expected Mikey to hold his hand so tightly and be unable to stop talking, so there must be something he missed.

As they proceeded deeper and deeper into the sewers, Raph’s steps became slower and his talking more frantic. Donnie suddenly realized his brother was nervous and was trying to mask it with the behavior so uncharacteristic to him. Or… It had been years and Donnie could easily imagine that losing him had changed his family beyond repair. He was going to meet different people, just like he was different himself.

Raph’s hand in his became heavier, his talking just a bunch of incomprehensible words. Donnie’s breathing quickened and his heart beat painfully in his chest.

They were already in a familiar area; it wouldn’t take long and Donnie would see his family again.

Raph stopped suddenly and turned to his brother. “Donnie,” he addressed him, his voice low and wary. “Ya should know… Things… They’ve been bad. Father isn’t well. He aged decades in a few years. Mikey’s not the goofball anymore. He doesn’t laugh and he prefers spendin’ time alone. And Leo… He doesn’t let us out of his sight for more than five minutes, and if he does, he always wants to know exactly where we’re goin’, with who and what we plan to do,” he said, averting his gaze from Donnie.

Donnie understood. Raph was trying to prepare him for what he was going to find when they entered the lair.

He squeezed his hand encouragingly, but his words sounded sad when he spoke. “And you lost your fire,” he whispered, reaching to Raph’s face with his free hand.

Raph let Donnie touch him and when he looked at him again, there was so much uncertainty in his eyes that it literally hurt.

“You’ve changed yourself,” he said quietly, not accusingly, but Donnie still felt ashamed for everything that had happened to him and for his long absence that had hurt his family so much that even Raph was looking at him with mistrust for everything he didn’t know about this new version of his nerdy brother.

He lowered his head, loosening his hold on Raph’s hand. “I have,” he admitted, but before he could say something more, something foolish, Raph gripped his hand tightly again, the well-known frown creasing his brow.

“But you’re not goin’ to leave us ever again, ya promised,” he said, his voice loud and strong, echoing in the dark space. “We’re goin’ home now,” he announced in a tone that brooked no argument and pulled Donnie with him as he started walking again. He was quiet this time but the determination reflecting on his face said everything.

Donnie didn’t dare to speak anymore. Raph kept leading him farther, not slowing down, only his grip on Donnie’s hand became tighter again. Donnie got an impression it was because of Raph’s fear that if he let go, Donnie could disappear and not because he wanted to encourage him.

The entrance to the lair was a bit shabbier than he remembered, but it made sense. It had been his role in the family to be Mr. Fix-It and even if his brothers learned to do many things by themselves, their skills simply weren’t enough for more complicated damage. They didn’t understand the laws of physics and mechanics as perfectly as Donnie did and his heart clenched painfully at the thought of his brothers getting through the trouble of fixing something they didn’t have the knowledge and skill for just because there was no one to do it for them.

Raph pulled him deeper into the lair. Lights were on and one of them was flickering but it didn’t seem to disturb anyone. They must have been used to the unpleasant constant changing of the intensity of the illumination by now. Donnie felt sorry for that.

He looked around the well-known space, noticing his oldest brother walking to the couch and carrying a blanket with him. On the couch, bundled in another blanket was Mikey, his eyes glued to the TV. Only two of several screens were working, but even if it had been only one, it probably wouldn’t have made any difference to the youngest turtle. He was uncharacteristically quiet, calm and still. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. The sight itself was tearing Donnie’s heart. He wanted to run to Mikey to hug him, to tell him everything was going to be fine from now on, that he was there and he was going to first fix his family and then the flickering light.

But before he could do anything, Raph pulled him forward.

“Hey, guys! Look who came back home!” His booming voice echoed in the room and made their two brothers jump. Leo dropped the blanket and turned around, reaching for his katana, Mikey almost fell from the couch. It was obvious from their reactions that it had been a very long time since someone had dared to raise their voice in this sad, cold tomb they had used to call home.

As their eyes focused on the figure standing next to Raph, the two brothers froze in time. They were staring with their eyes wide in shock and neither of them seemed to be able to utter a single word.

“Donnie’s back,” Raph said proudly, happily, even though his voice trembled with the new wave of strong emotions.

“D-Donnie?” Leo stammered, and he suddenly appeared so vulnerable and scared of the hope that was brought to him. The strong, proud, invincible brother turned into a small boy frightened to dream of a better tomorrow.

Donnie nodded, giving the blue-masked ninja a shy smile.

Leo took an uncertain step towards his long lost and finally found brother, but before he could cross the whole distance, an orange windstorm swept past him and attacked the olive-skinned turtle with his arms and legs, hanging on him like a monkey.

“Donnie! DonnieDonnieDonnieDonnie!” Mikey’s voice cut the awkward silence as the youngest ninja was hugging his brother while hot tears started rolling down his sea-green cheeks. It wasn’t a big deal, though, since he wiped them into Donnie’s skin.

Donnie wrapped his arms around his brother, holding him securely in his embrace so that Mikey didn’t fall. He pressed his nose to Mikey’s neck, breathing his faint, characteristic scent. It hadn’t changed a bit, just like Raph’s. At least one thing in this screwed up universe stayed the same.

Leo couldn’t wait for Mikey to release Donnie from his hold, and judging from the way Mikey clung to his brother, he was not going to let go so soon, so Leo folded his arms around both Donnie and Mikey.

Raph was standing next to the trio, his arms folded over his chest and a small smile playing on his lips.

“Donnie… Donnie…” Mikey was sobbing into Donnie’s neck, unwilling to untangle from him.

“What is all that racket?” sounded Master Splinter’s voice. It wasn’t angry, not at all. It was tired with age and worry.

Leo pulled away from his brothers and turned to their father with a broad smile on his face.

“Master! It’s Donnie! He’s back!” he cried happily.

Deepest surprise settled on the old rat’s face as he looked at the figure still wrapped in Mikey’s arms.

“Father!” Donnie’s excited voice reverberated in the room. He freed himself from Mikey’s embrace and ran to Splinter, flinging his arms around his neck, hugging him close. “Father…” he whispered into his fur, interwoven with white hair. Raph had told truth, Master Splinter looked much older than Donnie remembered, but he was still the same person that had brought him up, taken care of him and protected him, who had loved him as his own child.

“Donatello,” Splinter breathed out, unable to believe his own two eyes. But the body pressing to his was too solid for a hallucination and the smiles on his other three sons’ faces were enough of a confirmation that this wasn’t just a dream. “My son,” he sighed happily, folding his arms around Donnie, hugging his lost child with all his fatherly love. His old rat heart was finally healed and bubbling with the long-forgotten emotions of joy and happiness of having his family whole again.

Donnie’s brothers came closer to the hugging pair. Mikey obviously thought that Splinter had Donnie just for himself for too long, so he wormed his way under Donnie’s arm, snuggling to him again. Splinter smiled and put his one arm around Mikey, while the other stayed resting on Donnie’s carapace. Leo glanced at Raph and they both joined the group hug with Donnie in the center of their circle.

Donnie sighed into Splinter’s fur. At last, he reached the end of his travels and what he found there was only love and acceptance. He couldn’t be happier.

*

It took a long time until the family was willing to untangle from each other and move to the couch. Splinter seated his found son next to himself, holding his hand, while Mikey used the chance and flopped on the couch on Donnie’s other side, cuddling to him once again. Leo and Raph sat down on the floor opposite their brother as close to him as possible as well.

Raph couldn’t take his eyes off of Donnie and he was dying to know what had happened to his genius brother. Donnie came home different, there was no doubt about it, and he knew that his appearance was just the tip of the iceberg. Now, when there was light, he noticed long scars spreading over Donnie’s arms and legs and he wondered what story was behind them. The chest plate Donnie was wearing seemed to be there to hide something unpleasant and the black patch over Donnie’s left eye gave Raph a pretty clear idea of why it was there. He also doubted that the rather sinister-looking tattoo on the back of his brother’s head was there because Donnie wanted it. He didn’t dare to ask any questions though, not now at least, and it seemed Leo and Mikey, too, decided to leave room for Master Splinter to initiate such things.

It was truly refreshing to see their father smile again and even Raph wasn’t immune to its contagiousness. Anyway, the soft, though a bit shy smile curling Donnie’s lips and the happiness reflecting in his beautiful brown eye that had seen too much made Raph’s heart beat faster.

Donnie put the arm under which Mikey was snuggling close to him around his little brother’s carapace, pressing him to his side, while his other hand was gripping Splinter’s clawed fingers. Leo leaned forward and folded his arms on Donnie’s knee, looking at him with joy, but also concern. Raph could perfectly imagine what was going on in Leo’s head. None of them could tell who this person they all knew as their brother was, but they loved him unconditionally nevertheless and weren’t going to allow him to leave them ever again. He was one of them, he belonged to them no matter how much the things he had gone through changed him. Raph was confident they’d work it out eventually.

Raph watched Donnie; their brother nuzzled Mikey’s cheek, then turned to Splinter and pressed his forehead to father’s for a moment before he graced Leo with a smile. When he looked at Raph, the red-masked turtle could read an unspoken question in his brother’s face and he understood it right away. Donnie wanted him there, close, he needed to feel him. Raph wanted to give it to him, but wasn’t completely sure how to do it. He pulled a bit closer. A long white scar caught his attention and he reached out to caress it lightly. Obviously, it wasn’t the type of contact Donnie was looking for, because he pulled his leg away and the curiosity in his face was replaced by discomfort. Raph immediately felt ashamed for his mistake and he was pulling away when suddenly Donnie let go of their father’s hand and reached out for him. Raph’s hand was captured in a tight grip of Donnie’s fingers and the brown eye was pleading with him for forgiveness. Donnie placed Raph’s hand on his scarred knee and held it there, until Raph nodded and shifted close to the couch and Donnie’s leg. Slowly his fingers slid to his brother’s calf and very carefully he put his head on Donnie’s thigh. For a brief moment when he noticed Leo’s smile he thought it was a stupid idea, he had never been as clingy as Mikey and he felt childish, but when he felt Donnie’s hand on his shoulder giving him a small caress, his insecurities dissolved. 

Donnie’s hand was gone then, probably in Master Splinter’s again, Raph didn’t investigate. The only important thing for him right now was that he could be close to his brother, feel him, know that he was back with them. Back with HIM. The thought of the words Donnie had said to him when he had emerged from the shadows on the rooftop made Raph’s heart beat faster and hug Donnie’s leg tighter. His response to those words had been absolutely inappropriate – or more like none – but who could blame him when someone so dear to him who had been presumed dead had been standing in front of him all of a sudden? He tilted his head a bit, nuzzling the olive skin. He didn’t care that his family could see this affectionate gesture, they all were wrapped up in their own expressions of love and happiness.

Donnie stiffened and sighed quietly under the touch of Raph’s face. It didn’t take long, though, because when Raph raised his head, he was met by a small, gentle smile and the body he was leaning against relaxed.

However, that moment didn’t escape the attention of the rest of the family.

“Are you all right, Donatello?” Splinter asked, eyeing his child that had returned to him after so much time.

Donnie turned to their father, the smile still present on his lips. Raph could hear the soft sniff and a thought popped up in his head how long Donnie might not have heard his name.

“I’m perfect,” Donnie said quietly, leaning more to the rat dad, who wrapped his arms around him, hugging him gently while Mikey still hung from around Donnie’s waist and Leo and Raph each clung to one of Donnie’s legs.

“And… will you…? Do you want…? Aren’t you…? Are you hungry?”

Raph glanced at their father. He had never heard him stammer like this; their father always gave the impression of knowing exactly what he wanted to say, even when he reached his bottom. But Raph knew what all those questions cut off right at the beginning meant. They all wanted to know what had happened to Donnie and how he had managed to get back to them, but no one wanted to be the first to ask. Even their father seemed to be afraid of those questions even when they were haunting him. He didn’t want to press, though. He wanted to give Donnie time until he was ready to talk himself.

Donnie blinked and grinned at the final and only coherent question. “Actually… I am,” he said, his eye shining with sincere joy.

With the change of Donnie’s demeanor from silently happy with a tinge of nostalgia to childishly joyful the atmosphere turned lighter and no one could hold back their grin.  

“What would you like to eat?” Raph used the chance to talk to his brother in order to capture his attention just for himself for the little moment.

Donnie smiled at him and shrugged and before he could even say anything, Mikey snorted, glaring at Raph. “Dude, what kind of question is that? Pizza of course!”

The silence that followed was almost deafening. They hadn’t eaten pizza for ages. The future didn’t know such a meal anymore and when they had returned to their time, food was something that helped them to survive and not something that brought them joy anymore. Raph remembered how they had ordered pizza once, but without Donnie it hadn’t tasted the same. Even Mikey, the greatest pizza lover of all of them, had left his piece uneaten and simply thrown the rest of the pizza away.

Raph caught the plea in Mikey’s eyes to simply go with the flow when the youngest turtle glanced at his remaining two siblings as Donnie stiffened again under their touch, obviously feeling the tension in the air.

That was when Leo, the knight in shining blue armor, saved the day. He grinned awkwardly and leaned forward. “Pizza sounds great,” he said. “What do you think, Donnie?”

Raph realized he was holding his breath as he was waiting for Donnie’s answer. Even Mikey and Splinter were staring at Donnie, who relaxed again, his face shining with absolute glee.

“Yes, please! Love me some pizza!” He chuckled then, and Raph suddenly couldn’t contain his own laughter. He was too happy and probably nervousness had something to do with it, too, because once it erupted out of him, he simply couldn’t stop laughing. The great thing was that Donnie joined him, the sound new and carefree and loud, carrying the same gruffness in his voice, but warm and all in all nice.

Raph breathed in and started laughing again and it wasn’t just him and Donnie having their fit: Mikey was laughing, too – Raph had missed that sound so much – and Leo and Master Splinter – all of them were catching up on the laughless years.

It took them some time to catch their breaths. The broad grin on Donnie’s face was still present, though, which pleased Raph immensely. He gave Donnie’s leg a quick hug before he raised his head and looked his brother in the eye.

“I’m gonna get ya the pizza. Any preferences?” He wanted to do something for Donnie and this was his chance.

Donnie made a thoughtful face, but then he shook his head. “Anything you bring will be awesome.”

“All right,” Raph said and stood up.

“I’m going with you! I’ll show you where the best pizza is made!” Mikey jumped to his feet immediately.

“Do you still remember it, knucklehead?” Raph asked, not meaning anything bad, definitely not trying to bring up painful memories, but there were certain facts and he was concerned.

But Mikey only waved his hand. “I don’t need to remember. I can smell it,” he said in his goofy way, and damn, it felt good!

Raph grinned. “Okay, let’s go.”

Mikey jumped off of the couch and was about to run to the exit of the lair when he suddenly stopped and looked at Donnie. “I…” he started, uncertainty in his voice and all the goofiness gone.

And again, Leo was there, coming to his rescue. “Stay with Donnie, Mikey. You can fill him in on everything he missed. I’ll go with Raph,” he said gently as he stood up.

“Okay!” Mikey didn’t even try to protest as he glued himself to Donnie’s side again. Their brother hugged the youngest turtle while his eye found Raph’s face. Raph wasn’t sure what Donnie was trying to tell him with that look, but before he could figure it out, Donnie turned his head to Mikey, nuzzling his sea-green skin. A smile appeared on Mikey’s face immediately as he wound around their brother like a giant octopus. For a split second Raph felt a pang of jealousy and regretted he hadn’t chosen to stay, but then he said to himself that doing something for Donnie was nearly as good as being wrapped around him. Anyway, such behavior was Mikey’s domain, not Raph’s, so it was probably good to leave for a moment and bring the treat for everyone.

“Let’s go,” Leo said and moved to the exit.

Raph looked at his two brothers tangled in one big knot and smiled. “Later, bros,” he said and followed Leo out of the lair.

*

They returned after about an hour. The route to their once favorite pizzeria was still deeply imprinted in their brains, so there was no problem for two ninjas to get there and eventually steal three freshly made pizzas. The fact that Leo didn’t say a word of complaint about not leaving any money for the meals showed how much they had changed during the years of Donnie’s absence. Now Raph wondered how their lost brother’s return was going to affect their lives, but he didn’t doubt they would get better. The family was finally together, and even though he wasn’t naïve enough to think everything would be flowers and rainbows from now on – Donnie had been gone for so long for that and there surely would be struggles – he knew everything was as it should be.

When they stepped into the lair, the first thing that caught Raph’s attention was the light that wasn’t flickering anymore. He had been so used to it that it felt like coming to a different home – a more welcoming one. Donnie was standing on a ladder, fiddling with a fluorescent tube, his back turned to the two brothers who returned with the food. Master Splinter and Mikey were standing next to the ladder, and despite the warm light flooding the space, they both looked rather anxious.

As Mikey noticed Leo and Raph, he ran to them, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes. He sniffed quietly, glancing over his shoulder as though he was afraid Donnie or Splinter could hear him and then he threw himself in Leo’s arms, not showing any interest in the three large boxes in Raph’s hands.

Leo and Raph exchanged a confused glance.

“What’s up, Mikey?” Leo asked.

“I missed you,” Mikey said aloud, but then his voice dropped to a whisper. “It’s Donnie.”

Raph’s gaze traveled to their genius brother. Donnie didn’t look any different since the time they had left, so he had no idea what could upset Mikey so much. Even Splinter when he turned to them looked worried. Donnie, on the other hand, seemed content. But the mystery was soon to be solved.

“Done!” Donnie announced happily. “It was just a loose wire and a bit of dirt.”

“Thank you, Donatello,” Splinter said.

Raph still didn’t see why their father and little brother looked so distracted, but as Donnie started descending the ladder, he noticed the thing that was off with their brother. The black patch that had covered Donnie’s left eye was pushed above his eye ridge. It could be a coincidence, of course, but he still couldn’t figure out why someone blind in one eye would need to get the patch off of it (unless it had been itching and Donnie wanted to scratch it). Only when Donnie reached the floor and turned to them, Raph understood what caused Splinter and Mikey’s discomposure. Staring with his mouth open into something that reminded him of a camera lens, he dropped the boxes he was holding. That was the moment Donnie realized what was wrong. He reached for the patch hastily, pulling it over that thing in place of his beautiful brown eye.

“Sorry, I forgot...”

“What the…!” Raph was on the brink of an explosion of anger, but one glance at Master Splinter’s strict expression and he swallowed the rest of his curse.

Mikey stepped away from Leo, bending for the boxes with the delicious-smelling pizzas to take them to the living area of the lair, because neither Raph nor Leo was in the condition to care about them anymore. They were gazing at their brother, who shifted uncomfortably, a pinkish shade coloring his cheeks.

“Donatello, Michelangelo has already told you how we lived without you. Maybe it’s time for you to share your story with us,” Splinter said gently, putting his hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “But only if you feel ready.”

Donnie took a deep breath. “I am ready. The question is if you are,” he said, coldness and distance creeping into his tone. He looked at his hands dirty of dust and grime from the light before he turned around and went to join Mikey in the living area. Mikey looked like he was putting a great effort into staying calm and holding back that unhappy expression that was breaking into the light every now and then.

Donnie and Splinter sat down on the couch next to each other, leaving the spot on Donnie’s other side free for one of his brothers. Mikey suddenly looked lost as though he couldn’t decide if he wanted to sit next to Donnie or not, and when he finally made the move towards the couch, Raph hurried there and took the place for himself. The little brother frowned and punched Raph on his shoulder. Raph didn’t need to be a genius to understand the gesture was all fake and there only to hide Mikey’s discomfort.

“Jerk,” Mikey hissed, and Raph grinned.

“Ya shoulda been quicker, li’l bro.”

Leo sat down on the floor in front of Donnie, not saying a word, and Mikey finally seated himself next to their big brother. Raph noticed Leo’s hand rest palm flat on the floor close to Mikey’s tail, not touching him, but still showing his support and protectiveness.

All eyes in the room fixed on Donnie. Their brother cast his gaze down to his hands resting in his lap, but then he raised his head and looked at each of them. However, instead of starting speaking, he reached to the patch over his left eye and took it off. Splinter and Leo didn’t even flinch. Mikey leaned closer to Leo, unable to hold his cool anymore. He stared at Donnie with horror in his eyes while Raph frowned and gritted his teeth; his hands already balled in fists and he hadn’t even heard a word from Donnie’s story so far. But he knew he was not going to like it and that thing for Donnie’s eye was just the beginning. His focus turned to the scars stretching over Donnie’s arms and legs and he wondered what monstrosity they meant.

“I guess you know the basic information about my disappearance,” Donnie said in a cold voice that would have frozen oceans.

“We were told you were taken by the Alliance for Natural Order,” Splinter said.

“Yeah, the fanatics,” spat Raph. “We heard some stuff ‘bout them.”

“For example that they don’t let anyone who acts against their beliefs live,” Leo mixed in, trying to encourage Donnie to continue while throwing a warning glance in Raph’s direction.

Mikey stayed silent as he kept staring at Donnie’s artificial eye.

“Do you know what my crime against them was?” Donnie said, a shade of sudden anger coloring his voice. “I wanted to help to make a dead planet habitable again.”

“We know, Donnie,” Leo said, leaning forward to take his hand, but Donnie pulled away.

“No, Leo, you don’t know anything yet. You have no idea what I’ve done, who I’ve become.” He sounded desperate for understanding as he looked around, but no one could give him that right now, because he was right, they didn’t understand anything yet, not unless he gave them more information to work with.

When no one reacted the way he obviously hoped, he looked at his hands, fiddling with his eye patch. Raph knew that his brother didn’t see dust and grime like the rest of them, but something much more sinister.

“I don’t know how many innocents died at my hands. I was a puppet, a killing robot…” He fell silent, and when he looked at his family, Raph could read sorrow and shame in Donnie’s features. He still had no understanding of what Donnie said, but he started anticipating that the story Donnie was going to share with them could easily be compared to Mikey’s once-favorite horror movies.

As he found out, he was right. The story they heard was full of blood, pain and suffering. With each word Donnie said, he withdrew more and more into himself, his voice turning cold and distant. It hurt Raph to see his brother like that, like someone else he didn’t know. He was refusing to see the killer Donnie was talking about, he was refusing to see a living being turned into a machine. His hands balled into fists so tight that the knuckles turned a light shade of emerald. He listened and hated what he heard.

Donnie was just talking about the surgery that had been supposed to be the last one in his transformation into a fully functioning cyborg and the number that had been supposed to be added to the code on the back of his head when Raph couldn’t take it anymore. He was burning from the inside with red-hot fury that he was trying to keep under control with all his power. How could anyone do that to his brother? How could anyone do that to DONNIE? Calm, gentle, lovable Donnie? And for what? Sick beliefs and war that had no sense?

Raph glanced at his other two brothers. Tears were rolling down Mikey’s cheeks and he was wiping them away with the back of his hand frantically. Leo had his arm put loosely around Mikey’s shoulders in a poor attempt of comfort, but he had enough to deal with himself. His jaw was set and the look of his eyes cold and dangerous. Raph moved his attention to Master Splinter, but the face of their father revealed nothing.

That riled Raph up even more. He wasn’t thinking what he was doing; he simply grabbed Donnie’s hand, causing his brother a little shock so that Donnie dropped the eye patch on the floor, and frowned at the long scar stretching from his elbow to his wrist.

“Is this from them?” he asked and ran a finger over the scar tissue. Donnie shivered and wanted to free his hand from Raph’s grasp, but Raph was not having that. He was holding Donnie tightly, not letting him go. No, nowhere, never again.

“No, it’s from Cody,” Donnie said quietly.

“Cody?” Raph blinked in surprise. “Did he…?”

“He helped me to get rid of the machinery implanted into my body.” Once more Donnie tried to jerk his hand out of Raph’s, but again with no result.

Raph’s eyes narrowed as he looked over the scars before he raised his head and looked Donnie right in the eye – the artificial one. “He left that thing in your skull,” he said accusingly. He felt his temper rising – something that hadn’t happened for a long time. The fire in his insides burned with full flame and he felt like breaking something. Maybe Donnie’s artificial eye for starters.

“Raphael, watch your temper,” Splinter spoke up suddenly. Despite the strictness in his voice, he didn’t sound angry. “And let go of your brother, you’re hurting him.”

Raph winced and pulled his hand away. Instead of holding Donnie, he leaned closer to him, still glaring into the camera lens set in his head.

Donnie glared back. “I wanted it there,” he snapped.

Raph frowned even more. “Why?”

 “Guys,” Leo intruded on their conversation. “Calm down. Raph, let Donnie finish his story, okay?”

This time Raph’s fiery glare was addressed to the big brother, onto whom Mikey was snuggling like a lost puppy, big blue eyes staring at Raph and Donnie.

Raph stayed quiet, but he didn’t stop glaring. He looked at Donnie again, waiting for the rest of the story and the explanation for Donnie’s keeping that devilish device as part of his body.

“Firstly,” Donnie started speaking, not averting his gaze from Raph, “I didn’t want to stay blind in one eye,” he said coldly. “And secondly, I adjusted it to my purposes, so it became useful to me.” He gave a heavy sigh and turned to the rest of his family. “I’ll tell you the rest of the story…”

*

Donnie talked for a long time. Each word was like a stab right into the heart and every time Raph thought it couldn’t be worse, it turned out he was wrong. He listened carefully, though, trying to hold his anger under control. He didn’t interrupt Donnie anymore; actually no one did, they all let Donnie tell his story the way he felt most comfortable. Raph still had a bad feeling there were things Donnie was not telling them, things more ominous than being turned into a machine, a mere thing with a serial number tattooed on the back of his head, and fighting on the wrong side, because there was no other option.

Raph felt a little relieved when Donnie finally got to the part about his return to Cody’s home, but that feeling was short-lived. He tried not to dwell on the thought of how their lost brother must have felt when he had returned and found out his family had been long gone. Donnie himself talked about it as a mere fact, not accusing anyone, not expressing any regret, keeping the leveled, expressionless tone as he actually had done during the whole story.

Raph fisted his hands again in a desperate effort to stay calm as Donnie talked about the new series of surgeries he had to undergo in order to get rid of the machinery implanted into his body.

“I was sick for a couple of days,” Donnie said matter-of-factly, but as far as Raph knew in Donnie’s dictionary “be sick” meant “I felt like I was going to die, but I hoped no one would notice”. It made him even angrier. When Donnie’s suffering had been supposed to end, it had been adding up…

“When I felt better, we did the same thing with the other arm and later on to both of my legs at the same time…”

That made three surgeries and if Donnie had been sick after each of them… Raph set his jaw, taking a deep breath. Making a scene about something he could not influence was stupid and pointless, but he couldn’t help the urge to smack something as hard as he could. Maybe he should have a small talk with his punching bag when the torture of listening to Donnie was over.

“… Eventually, I was left with the eye and…”

“... bones made of metal,” Raph growled, lowering his head tiredly. He was emotionally exhausted. So much pain… And still, Donnie survived and he came back to them relatively sane. Raph didn’t doubt there was a big scar on Donnie’s personality and they were only going to find out how deep it was, but Donnie seemed to have accepted the things that had happened to him and was ready to live from now on the best he could. Raph had always known his brother was strong and wouldn’t break just so easily. Donnie was a fighter to his last breath and he couldn’t but feel proud of him for that.

“It was the best way,” Donnie reacted to Raph’s words. “The scars will disappear eventually…”

Raph lifted his head and looked at Donnie. The black patch was back in its respective place, so Raph could see his reflection only in the brown of Donnie’s real eye. It was funnily comforting; looking into the artificial lens made him nervous… and angry. 

“You don’t need to sugarcoat it for me, Donnie,” he said with a sigh. He was a big boy and he understood that some fights simply couldn’t be won. Living in denial was not an option. He understood that if he wanted to move on, if they all wanted to move on, they needed to accept the things as they were just like Donnie had. It was the only way that led to comfort and maybe later on to happiness.  

Donnie was gazing at him for a moment longer as though he was trying to read Raph’s mind. Probably, he was trying to figure out if Raph’s statement was a peace offering or a challenge, but in the end he gave a curt nod. “All right, Raph,” he said shortly, his tone calm and even, very similar to what it had used to be once.

“We’re very happy you’re back with us, my son,” Splinter said and Donnie turned to him this time. A hairy, clawed hand touched his cheek in a gesture of love and joy.

Donnie raised his own hand and covered Splinter’s, pressing it tightly to his face. “I’m happy to be back.”

Mikey untangled from Leo and crawled to the couch. Without saying a word he hugged Donnie around his neck, pressing to his chest, telling him in this sweet way how much he had missed him.

Leo stood up from the floor and smiled at the sight. “Welcome home, Donnie,” he said.

The smile Donnie gave him would melt icebergs. It went right to the core and brought peace to the heart. Raph only wondered how someone who went through such hell could smile so genuinely. There was only one answer that popped up in Raph’s head: Donnie’s story wasn’t just a story; it was a confession of a dirtied soul looking for redemption. To clean himself of the mud and scum of his sins, he needed his family to forgive him and accept him with the baggage he was dragging along with him. Only that way he could throw the burden away and become a new, better man.

Donnie tightened the grip of his arms around Mikey and nuzzled his youngest brother’s cheek. “I’m home.”

*

With Donnie smiling again the atmosphere lightened. The five of them sat down on the floor with the boxes of pizza in the center of their circle and while they talked about some easy stuff, they ate. Mikey stuffed three pieces into his mouth at once and announced that this was heaven on earth as he was chewing.

“At least swallow and then talk,” Leo reprimanded, but Mikey didn’t seem to take his words to heart, because he bit from the pizza again and before he swallowed, he said something about trying every single type of pizza on the menu. Leo only sighed and shook his head while Donnie giggled softly, Raph glared and Splinter said something about kids these days.  

Raph noticed that Donnie didn’t eat much. He was nipping at his piece of pizza, chewing slowly, mostly talking to the others or listening to what they had to say. He seemed content, maybe even happy, but the food still didn’t seem to go down his throat as easily as the others’. Raph wondered if Donnie just wasn’t that hungry or there was some other problem he wasn’t talking about. He didn’t ask though, he was sure he’d find out sooner or later.  

There was something else that occupied his attention much more, anyway. He was sitting by Donnie’s right side. There wasn’t much space separating them, but he got a strong feeling that even that little distance was diminishing. His suspicion was incontrovertibly proven when Donnie’s knee touched Raph’s and something like an electric discharge ran up Raph’s spine. He could blame all the metalwork in Donnie’s body, but he knew it wasn’t that. When he looked at his brother, all he could see was a broad, radiant smile brightening Donnie’s face. The first words Donnie had said to him on that rooftop popped up in Raph’s mind and his heart started beating faster. Donnie looked away, taking another small bite from his pizza, but Raph couldn’t bring himself to stop staring. There was something fascinating about Donnie – well, there always had been, but he had never stopped to think about it and chalked it up simply to Donnie’s natural charm. But now he started realizing there was more. His heart fluttered, scaring him; nevertheless it was kind of nice and Raph felt the urge to explore that feeling some more.

He lifted his hand and after a few hesitant seconds he put it on Donnie’s knee still touching him. Surprised, Donnie looked at the emerald hand, but then again a smile spread across his lips and olive fingers tangled with the emerald ones.

Raph stared for a moment at their joined hands, feeling warm and hopeful… and kind of stupid. He wasn’t a touchy-feely type, but he still didn’t dare to pull his hand away. He tried to convince himself that he was doing it for Donnie, who must have been starved for his brothers’ presence, but in reality he was just as starved for Donnie’s being there with them. They had missed him. Hell, Raph had missed him, his geekiness, his gentle nature, his ability to listen without judging, his calmness that always helped Raph to cool his temper… He had needed him, but Donnie had disappeared and Raph had suddenly been alone. Despite having his family with him going through the same grief, he had felt funnily disconnected. Lonely. As though without Donnie life had no meaning.

He squeezed his hand awkwardly and looked away. There was still enough pizza to eat and small, stupid things to talk about until their father stood up after some time, wishing them all goodnight. After that the boys finished the pizza – or more like Mikey and Raph did – with Donnie there it suddenly tasted much better. Donnie kept nibbling at his piece until it was finally gone, but he didn’t reach for more and Leo ate one more piece until he announced he was full and it was time for them to go to bed, too.

“I should take a shower,” Donnie said and he yawned. He must have been tired; who knew how long he had been on his feet while he was still in the future, and ever since he had been back, he had no time to rest.

“I’ll get you a towel!” Mikey jumped to his feet, hurrying to the bathroom. Everyone looked after him, Leo and Donnie with a smile, Raph thoughtfully. It had been years since they had the luxury to see Mikey like this – cheerful and talkative to the point that it got on their nerves. Right now, Raph wouldn’t change it for anything.

Donnie’s thumb brushed Raph’s hand before he let go and stood up, too. Without looking back he headed for the bathroom himself.

“Here! A purple one just for you,” Mikey sing-songed. “I know it was yours, but I used it sometimes, so it looks a little shabby…”

“Thank you, Mikey.” Donnie’s gentle voice reached Leo and Raph, and if there hadn’t been that gruffness, nothing would have indicated that anything had happened to him. Raph couldn’t help but wonder if purple was still Donnie’s color. He glanced at Leo, trying to figure out from his reactions what their leader was thinking.

Leo noticed Raph’s glance and smiled. “He’ll be all right,” he said. “We all will be.”

“Ya think?”

“I believe it.”

Raph snorted and frowned, but he had to admit that Leo’s words calmed him down. If Leo had been nervous, then Raph’s hopes would have diminished, too.

“Thanks, bro. I hope ya get some sleep tonight. The nutball seems to have recharged his batteries. Goodnight.”

He noticed Leo’s cheeks gain a slightly pinkish shade. “Goodnight, Raph,” the leader said before he headed for his room.

Mikey emerged from the bathroom after a while. He gave Raph a broad grin and then went jumping to his own room. Raph watched him with a slight smirk until Mikey disappeared from his view, then he turned to the empty pizza boxes. He took them from the floor and put them with the garbage waiting to be taken out and thrown away. He looked in the general direction of their rooms, but he didn’t feel like going to sleep just yet. A strange restlessness took him over. He wanted to wait for Donnie to come out of the bathroom so that he could wish him goodnight.

He was pacing the lair, stopping on silent feet from time to time at the bathroom door to check if he could still hear the sound of running water. When there was silence, which presumably meant Donnie was drying himself, Raph simply fled to the kitchen, pretending he was thirsty and wanted to drink some water.

The creak of the bathroom door was a sign for him to come out of the kitchen. He poured the rest of the water into the sink and rinsed the glass, putting it back into a cupboard before he walked out. He was trying hard to appear casual even though his heart was beating like crazy. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous, probably this whole thing about Donnie coming home after years of absence started getting to him more intensely now when the family split into their rooms.

“Hey, Donnie,” he said, grinning, as he caught up with his brother on the way to their rooms.

“Hey, Raph,” Donnie replied, a gentle smile settling on his lips. Droplets of water glistened on his skin here and there, which meant Donnie did spend time under the spray of water, but he still was wearing his eye patch and the chest plate; only his belt was in his hand. Raph didn’t understand. Donnie must have known no one would even have batted an eye seeing him without his gear, so it left him to wonder – all the more when Mikey came out of his room absolutely gearless and comfortable in his nudity. He smiled at his two brothers and waved at them.

“Goodnight, guys.”

“Goodnight, Mikey,” Donnie said and watched the youngest brother enter Leo’s room without hesitation.

“Close the door,” they could hear Leo’s voice laced with heat and impatience.

When the door was securely shut behind Mikey, Donnie turned to Raph, looking at him quizzically.

Raph shrugged. “They looked for consolation and found it in each other.”

Donnie frowned a little and since Raph didn’t know whether in disagreement or contemplation, he felt the urge to explain.

“It may have started for the wrong reason, but, ya see, with time it grew into something more.”

Donnie still didn’t say anything, he only looked around towards the door of Leo’s room. When he turned back to Raph again, there was a new question in his eyes, but Donnie seemed hesitant to voice it.

“What’s up?” Raph asked, trying to encourage him.

Donnie lowered his head a little and glanced at Raph shyly. “You didn’t need consolation?”

The question took Raph off guard. He stared at his brother, then at the door. “I… I think that at the beginnin’ if I had wanted to, they would have allowed me to join them, but... It had never occurred to me and neither did it to them obviously. Or they might’ve thought I would’ve been disgusted, who knows?” He shrugged again and glanced at the door from behind which they could hear muffled churrs. Donnie winced at the sound and his cheeks turned slightly pink.

Raph folded his arms over his plastron, watching Donnie’s face closely. “It’s not about physical pleasures. They need each other, Donnie. They need the closeness.”

Donnie turned to him, looking Raph square in the eyes. “I’m not judging them. I’m the last one who has the right,” he said softly.

Raph sighed quietly. “Yeah, ‘bout that… I need to talk to ya.”

“Okay,” Donnie said, but Raph could hear that guarded tone.

“The thing ya said to me on the roof…”

“Which one?”

“The very first one. I know my reaction wasn’t exactly appropriate, but ya must admit that your timin’ was awful…”

An amused smirk curled Donnie’s lips for a moment before it was replaced by a serious expression. “I’ve been taught the hard way that the important things shouldn’t be delayed for a better time, because the better time may never come,” he said solemnly.

It was Raph’s turn to grin this time. “Good point.”

They stared at each other for a while; neither of them seemed to know what to say. When Donnie looked like he was about to wish him goodnight and go to his room, Raph couldn’t take it anymore.

“Damn, Donnie, ya know I’m not much for words,” he said, scowling again, gazing at his brother as though Donnie had insulted him with the lack of response.

Donnie didn’t seem to get the memo, gazing at Raph quizzically.

The red-banded turtle sighed heavily. “Will ya stay with me for the night? Maybe I’d appreciate a bit of consolation after all,” he said.

Waiting for Donnie’s answer, he didn’t realize he was holding his breath. The annoying insects in his stomach were fluttering their wings frantically, tickling him, making him feel nauseous, and Donnie was still silent, still staring as though he wasn’t sure he heard right. Raph was about to give a frustrated snort and tell Donnie to forget it, but the broad smile his brother was suddenly giving him stopped him from doing that.

“I’d be happy to give it to you,” Donnie said, his voice low and gentle, but the light that shone in his orphaned brown eye couldn’t be confused with anything but purest happiness.

The insects in Raph’s stomach calmed down suddenly and he released a sigh of relief. The renewed spark of his inner fire blazed with new, strong flame that was not going to be extinguished so easily.

A wide grin spread across his lips. “Let’s go, then,” he said and turned around to go to his room. He held the door for Donnie to come in after him and when both of them were inside, Raph closed it.

“Make yourself comfortable,” he said as he came up to the desk in the corner of the room to strip his gear and put it there. Donnie followed him, but he only put his belt there before he turned around and walked to Raph’s hammock.

Raph looked at him, surprised. “Are ya gonna sleep with that on?” he asked, a new frown creasing his forehead.

Donnie turned to him, one hand placed over his chest plate, the other covering his eye patch, his whole body radiating with uncertainty and… shame?

“I…” he started, but then fell silent, looking away.

“Come on, Donnie,” Raph said, trying to sound encouraging. “I’ve already seen your eye.” He crossed the room and stood in front of Donnie. He plastered a smile on his face – he wanted to make Donnie feel comfortable and not like he needed to hide something.

“Let me,” he said softly as he took Donnie’s hand covering the eye patch and pulled it away. Donnie didn’t try to fight him, didn’t protest, but he was as tense as a string, eying Raph with his one true eye nervously.

“Trust me, okay?” Raph cajoled, taking the patch and slowly removing it.

Donnie blinked and fixed his eyes – both the real one and artificial one – on Raph subsequently.

“That’s it. Good boy,” Raph grinned, dropping the patch on the floor, and caressed Donnie’s cheek. Donnie pressed into the emerald-green palm, sighing softly.

Raph’s smile became gentler; Donnie deserved a reward for his bravery. He left his one hand on Donnie’s cheek and put the other on his carapace, pushing him a little closer. Donnie didn’t resist, he went obediently, still watching Raph’s face.

Raph leaned closer. Donnie stood absolutely still. Raph could feel his hot breath on his face, see his lips part invitingly. That was when he realized his heart was beating like crazy and the rhythm of his own breathing was too fast. He was nervous, scared even, but he didn’t want to back off, not when Donnie showed him so much trust. They were in this together.

The emerald lips touched the olive ones. It was just a light, shy brush of skin against skin, but it meant so much. The first step, the first hesitant promise of taking the loneliness away… their first kiss.

Donnie’s hands touched Raph’s plastron gingerly, hot palms sliding up towards his shoulders. When they reached their destination, they wrapped around Raph’s neck, pulling the hothead close.

The two bodies met in a hug that became tighter with every passed second. A low, sweet sound, escaped Donnie’s throat, something between a sigh and a purr, making Raph’s blood boil. How could something so simple cause such a strong reaction?

He pressed his mouth to Donnie’s again, this time with more courage. The immediate reaction pleased him immensely; Donnie tilted his head to the side, widening the gap between his lips and taking Raph’s mouth hungrily.

Excitement rushed through Raph’s veins, flooding his every cell. It had never occurred to him that kissing someone could be so good, that kissing Donnie could feel so right. After such a long time of separation they finally found each other, finally found their “consolation” in each other’s arms.   

They hadn’t used their tongues yet, but Raph was curious. The tip of his tongue touched Donnie’s lips gingerly, testing the waters, asking for permission. Donnie sighed into Raph’s mouth and pressed closer to his chest… And suddenly their tongues met and it was all perfect.

They shared a few more kisses, each of them braver than the last one. Raph’s hands slid to Donnie’s waist, hugging him close. At some point he tightened his grip and picked Donnie up, putting him carefully in his hammock. He needed a few tries to climb up to him, because even though he was used to the hammock, this was the first time he wasn’t in it alone.

They lay there close to each other; Raph’s hand was resting on Donnie’s waist and Donnie’s palm cupped Raph’s cheek. They were smiling at each other, the insects in Raph’s belly tickling lazily with the tips of their wings. He let his hand slide to Donnie’s hip, caressing him lightly with his thumb. Donnie sighed quietly, shifting even closer. The smile that played on his lips was also in both his eyes – the cold lens of his artificial one seemed to gain a certain touch of gentleness reflecting in its dark depth.

Donnie moved his hand from Raph’s cheek to his neck and then even lower to his plastron right over the place where Raph’s heart beat strongly in his chest. Raph breathed out putting his free hand over Donnie’s, pressing it tighter to his body. He never felt like this before, so happy and scared at the same time, so needy and uncertain, so strong and yet so weak. And it was all Donnie’s doing; that was the effect of his rather shy, gentle smile, of the way he looked at Raph as though he was his greatest treasure, of his touch that made him long for more.

The hand that was resting on Donnie’s hip moved to his face. Raph lightly stroked the olive cheek before he leaned to Donnie’s face, still holding his brother’s hand pressed to his own plastron, and delivered a small, tender kiss on his lips. Donnie knew Raph wasn’t much for voicing his feelings, but Raph hoped that this sweet little gesture would tell Donnie everything he felt – how much he cared for him and how happy he was that he could see him again, hold him in his arms… kiss him… how much he loved him.

Yes, he did love him. Probably longer than he could remember. But Raph was never good at coping with his emotions. He had had to lose Donnie to realize how much he needed him, how Donnie’s presence made his life fuller, brighter, more complete. Losing him had felt like part of his soul had died.

But now he had him back and he was getting more than he would ever have hoped to be given. Donnie reciprocated the kiss with no hesitation, letting Raph take as much as he wanted. Raph took the chance and deepened the kiss a little, but not trying to turn it into something more sensual. He was absolutely content with how far they got tonight.

He pulled away and smiled. Donnie chuckled softly, looking at Raph with absolute adoration and causing the insects in Raph’s belly to flutter their wings. Raph sighed quietly, contentedly, sliding his palm to Donnie’s chest. Donnie stiffened for a moment, but when Raph did nothing, he relaxed again.

Donnie’s reaction could hardly escape Raph’s attention and the secret Donnie was obviously still hiding worried him.

“I’d love to feel your heartbeat, too, but I don’t want to push you into anythin’,” Raph said in a soft tone so uncharacteristic for him.

Donnie took a deep breath. He wriggled a little and gazed at the ceiling for a few long seconds, but when he looked at his brother again, Raph could see strong determination.

“I trust you,” Donnie said. “I don’t feel comfortable with it, but you’d find out one way or another and this time is no better or worse than any other.”

“Ya really don’t need to…” Raph started.

“I want to. So help me to unstrap the plate, will you?”

“Of course,” Raph said, but before he did anything, he bent to Donnie and gave him a hard kiss – the one that made their teeth clash together and was aggressive enough to show how serious Raph was about this whole thing. Whatever it was, whatever had happened, he was not going to back away from it. He would be there for Donnie no matter what.

“I’m here, okay?” he assured him, frowning as he said it. Then he finally reached for the first strap and loosened it and then he reached for another one. He didn’t even wait for Donnie to help him and Donnie didn’t even try. He lay there, watching Raph and letting him do the work.

When all the straps were loose, Raph looked at Donnie. He was so quiet and docile, yet tense and obviously worried, but the trust he was giving Raph was heartbreaking.

“Ready?” Raph asked, wanting to give Donnie the luxury to change his mind, but once again his brother showed bravery Raph could only admire.

“Do it,” Donnie said, looking right into Raph’s eyes.

“Okay.”

Raph pulled the chest plate only a little in case Donnie needed his time after all, but the olive-skinned turtle didn’t try to stop him. His eyes were still fixed on Raph, however, watching him, not even blinking. Raph noticed how tense Donnie was, but he was not going to mess with his courage when Donnie finally made that step and decided to reveal his last secret to him.

Raph gripped the chest plate firmly and removed it from Donnie’s body in one smooth pull.

He wasn’t ready for what was waiting for him. The names of their family members, all of them together with Donnie’s, and not the shortened versions they used to address each other but the long ones, engraved deep into Donnie’s plastron. Raph gasped at the sight – he expected anything but definitely not this. He wanted to curse, but there was no curse in the world that would be strong enough to release the pressure he felt building up in his chest.

“Donnie,” he whined, unable to keep the pain out of his voice. How on earth…? “Who…?”

“I did,” Donnie said quietly.

Raph lifted his gaze from Donnie’s plastron to his face, staring at him in disbelief. “You? Why the shell…!?” And here it was, his temper creeping into his voice. He was angry… He was so angry…

Donnie looked away, folding his arms around his upper body to hide the engravings, and Raph understood that if he didn’t want Donnie to withdraw into himself again, he needed to choose a calmer, more patient approach.

“Look at me, Donnie,” he said, his voice low but trembling with the emotions he was trying so hard to keep under control.

Instead of looking at his brother, Donnie tried to curl up into himself, but it was hard in the hammock and with Raph almost plastered to him.

“No, Donnie,” Raph took one of Donnie’s hands and tried to pull it away. Donnie resisted, so Raph let go. He sighed heavily, scrutinizing his brother’s face. It pained him seeing Donnie like this, uncertain and shy. He trusted him and Raph ruined it.

“Talk to me, please,” he begged. “Tell me, why did ya do that?” He kept his voice low and calm although his every cell was burning with anger.

Donnie glanced at Raph and he looked like he was contemplating answering; he even opened his mouth, and yet he closed it again, looking lost and embarrassed.

Raph didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t good at this stuff. He wasn’t like Leo or Mikey who knew how to talk to a hurting person. But Raph? He only knew the language of fists.

He looked at Donnie with pain in his eyes. Why did Donnie do something like that?

“It musta hurt like hell…” Raph commented, not knowing what else to say, but he wanted to talk so desperately, to get Donnie out of his mental shell where he retreated.

“It did,” Donnie’s quiet voice sounded after long minutes, and Raph looked at him with hope, but silence stretched between them again, although Donnie was looking at him this time.

“Then why?” Raph demanded, hoping he wasn’t too pushy.

Donnie wriggled nervously, looking anywhere but at Raph again. “Because the pain was nothing compared to the fear I might forget you. All of you. Even my own name,” he said at last, hugging himself tighter.

Raph stared, dumbfounded. Donnie’s words were like a stab right into everything Raph was. His family was the most important thing in the whole universe for him and he could hardly imagine feeling so scared of forgetting his brothers and father… of forgetting his own name. How much must the Alliance have hurt Donnie if he had felt the need to engrave the reminder right into his own body?

Words left him once again, but he knew that the lack of reaction from his part would only cause Donnie to withdraw even deeper and he couldn’t let that happen. He had to do or say something, anything that would convince Donnie that he was safe with him, that Raph was not going to reproach him for anything, that he only wanted to understand.

He tried to move Donnie’s hands from his plastron once again. Donnie let him this time, but he trembled, his gaze averted elsewhere as though looking at Raph caused him pain.

Raph curled his fingers around Donnie’s wrists and pulled them gently away, revealing the precious names. He noticed that the grooves of the letters forming his name were the deepest ones and he wondered how they would feel under his hand. Unable to resist, he reached to Donnie’s plastron and ran his fingers over the letters. Donnie shivered once more, his breathing fast, his body tense. He didn’t try to stop his brother, though. Raph could feel Donnie’s frantic heartbeat under his hand and he couldn’t help the involuntary tug at the corners of his mouth.

His name and Donnie’s heartbeat. Donnie’s love engraved deep into his plastron.

The sudden overpressure of emotions made Raph’s head spin. He lowered his head, pressing his forehead to the crook between Donnie’s neck and shoulder. He left his hand resting right in the place where Donnie’s heart was beating in his chest, feeling the letters under his palm.

The rush of happiness made him heady, intoxicated by the sweetest of feelings. He moved his head down Donnie’s body towards his plastron while wrapping his arm around his brother. The emerald-green lips touched the engraved letters in a light kiss.

A loud sigh filled the room and Raph found himself in a tight, affectionate embrace. When he moved to look in Donnie’s face and he was pulled into a warm, open-mouthed kiss subsequently, he knew he won.

*

There was silence in the room, interrupted only by the soft breathing of the two mutant turtles snuggled up to each other in the hammock. The sound was calming and powerful at the same time, bringing the high wall of insecurities down brick by brick and dissolving the feeling of loneliness. Even when Donnie had planned to confess to Raph, he had never expected his love being reciprocated without question and now he was here, getting more than he could ever wish for – even damaged like this beyond any repair.

Donnie’s heart beat with purest love and happiness. He smiled into Raph’s skin. It hadn’t needed to take much and he wouldn’t have been here, in this room, in this hammock, wrapped in Raph’s arms and his love. Raph might never have known.

But Donnie already knew that important things shouldn’t be kept for later. His smile widened and he nuzzled the emerald skin.

“I love you, Raph,” he whispered into the night.

There was a slight change in the rhythm of the other turtle’s breathing. “I love you, too, Donnie,” sounded close to Donnie’s ear slit.

Donnie chuckled happily and settled more comfortably in Raph’s arms. Finally, he was home.