Work Text:
I don’t want to.
Salty tears rolled down my face. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Or maybe I deserve it?
-
Hugging is nice, I do it with Kyungsoo whenever I can. We also kiss. It’s nice, it makes me enjoy life.
-
I sit on the floor of my living room in my apartment. I don’t want to. I dig my fingers into my hair, pulling. My whole body was shaking. I dragged short breaths in between tears.
Why can’t this all end? Why can’t I stop feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop existing?
-
We bought a cat, Kyungsoo said he didn’t want to at first, because I’m allergic, but I finally convinced him.
It has short fur so it’s not too bad for me.
-
I want to live but at the same time I don’t. Death is scary, but feelings are scary too. Both choices are scary. I don’t want to. Everything is scary. People, food, feelings, paintings, blood, doors, darkness, moving. Everything.
I bang my hands on the floor and then they fly up to my hair to keep pulling. I don’t want to. I feel like throwing up but I don’t want to. It’s scary. I don’t want to.
-
We had to sell the cat. I’m too sick and too allergic. It just wasn’t a good combination.
But hopefully it has a good home and is treated well.
-
Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I be normal? Why do I have to put up a façade wherever I go when I have a bad day? I don’t want to.
Why can’t I do anything myself? Everyone probably thinks I’m weak.
-
Junmyeon comes over sometimes. We talk a lot and that’s fun. I can’t really remember what we usually talk about but I remember something about medicine because something had apparently happened. But it was probably nothing.
-
I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to move my limbs, it’s scary. I don’t want to.
I don’t want to be alone, it’s scary.
-
There are days where I can’t eat. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. ‘I’ll just eat tomorrow’ I think. But always on those days, Kyungsoo gives me a certain look so I eat just a little.
-
I take a shaky breath and pick up my phone. I dial Kyungsoo’s number. It doesn’t take long for him to pick up.
“Yes, Chanyeol?” His voice is a little muffled by the buzzing in my ears. I don’t want to.
“Kyungie.. I’m scared.” I said breathlessly, my voice shaking.
“I’m coming.” A beep was heard when he ended the call.
-
Sometimes I believe my life is hard. But then I feel selfish and remember that others have it worse than me and that I don’t really matter. But it’s okay, I know I don’t but I’m happy with that.
-
I don’t really know how many minutes pass but eventually Kyungsoo comes rushing through the door but I don’t look up. My mind had calmed down a little since the short call. My hair is probably wild from all the pulling. I was pushing my face into my knees as I sat with my back against the sofa.
-
Life is mostly good when I’m with Kyungsoo. But sometimes not even he can change my train of thoughts.
-
“I’m sorry it took so long, there was traffic.” He whispered to me. I heard him step away from me and the sound of opening windows. Cool, fresh air streamed into the room and I noticed how hot and stuffy it had been.
I suddenly feel warm hands against my fabric covered arms and I peek up. Kyungsoo is staring at me, as if asking for permission to touch me. I nod and bury my face into my knees again.
The hands creep around me, slowly pulling me into a hug.
-
Hugs are nice.
-
My thoughts have finally calmed down and my breathing is more normal but my eyes were blurry and my ears were still buzzing.
After a while Kyungsoo helped me up onto the sofa and wrapped a blanket around me. He kissed my head and went to the kitchen. I heard the sound of water and the scrambling of pots.
A few minutes later he comes back with a big cup of steaming, hot tea. He puts it onto the coffee table and sits beside me. I noticed that my head was hurting a bit from all the pulling and the panic attack. Kyungsoo sat down beside me and put a hand on my shoulder, massaging it.
I took a sip from the tea and the warmth immediately filled me, soothing my head and clearing my mind. My sight was fully back and the buzz was lower. Kyungsoo had turned on the lights and I could fully see him. We were quiet but it was a good quiet, it helped me calm down, only feeling his closeness.
I was halfway through the cup of tea when I started to drift off. Kyungsoo noticed and took the cup from my hands and puts it down onto the table again. I lay my head against his shoulder, ready to fall asleep.
“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo whispers.
“Mhm?” I say almost breathlessly.
“I love you.” He mumbles and kisses my head.
I manage to whisper a small “love you too” as I drifted off.
Maybe life wasn’t so bad.