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i.
The first day that Jihoon thinks that sex might not be a very nice thing, is when he is thirteen and Soonyoung and Seokmin are trying to show him an adult video Seokmin had taken from his older cousin’s room. The trio is old enough to know about the logistics of sex from health class, but yet the actions of the actors and the noises leave them in awe…or Soonyoung and Seokmin anyways. Jihoon feels extremely uncomfortable and averts his eyes from the television screen, only to nearly leap back in surprise when he sees a growing tent at the crotch of his pants. Jihoon leaves Soonyoung’s house quickly after excusing himself from the room and skips dinner that night because he has no appetite.
ii.
When Jihoon is eighteen, he has become significantly more tolerant about sex, or at least compared to when he first watched an adult video with his friends so many years ago. Jihoon is not sure if he’s become numb to the oversexualized world that he encounters daily or if he just no longer find sex scary. Really Jihoon doesn’t care either way because he is now able to easily hold in his lunch when he is unlucky enough to come across an overenthusiastic couple anywhere or if he walks in on Soonyoung and his special videos again.
For a period of time, Jihoon is even convinced to experiment with his high school girlfriend. Even if his mind screamed in confusion about where to put his hands and brought attention to how gross and wet it felt under her skirt where she left his hands, he learnt to keep his mouth closed and that grunts were good enough answers to her whispers against his ear. He learns that somehow he is praised as a gentleman to want nothing more after pleasuring his girlfriend than just to cuddle, but doesn’t question it. But as the months go on, the increasing pressure of college prep and cram school wears down on the couple’s infatuation with each other and Jihoon’s girlfriend breaks it off because they don’t have time to be intimate and Jihoon continues to refuse to go all the way despite her insistence that she is on birth control. Honestly, despite being a bit upset from the loss of companionship, Jihoon is relieved when he is no longer obligated to try to fulfill his ex’s desires.
iii.
During the summer before his first year of university, Jihoon decides he is asexual, or at least somewhere on the spectrum. Beyond the scientific perspective of the logistics of it all, which amazed him (and grossed him out), and the moral and emotional emphasis that others put on it, which fascinated him, sex just did not interest him. People are still attractive, masturbation is occasionally a thing, and kissing was really nice, but Jihoon eventually is able to convince himself that it’s okay that he really doesn’t want sex. After figuring out his sexuality, Jihoon takes a break from relationships but feels a weight lifted off of his shoulders.
iv.
The first time that Jihoon meets Seungcheol, his senior in the music composition club, the younger feels drunk on Seungcheol’s smiles and weak in the knees at Seungcheol’s comforting voice. Jihoon doesn’t let this show of course, and uses bitter words as a defence, saying Seungcheol looks like Dumbo when the older says he’s cute. Seungcheol laughs and agrees, even going to the effort of pinching the edges of his ears to “flap” them. Jihoon thinks the older is a fool, but can’t help but bite the insides of his cheeks so that he doesn’t smile too hard (of course, Seokmin is beside him, laughing until his sides hurt).
v.
The day that Jihoon allows himself to admit that maybe he had a crush on a certained bright eyed upperclassman is when Seungcheol barges into his room at 11:42 at night as Jihoon is working on his midterm music composition project and trying desperately not to suffocate his roommate, Seungkwan, who insists on doing vocal runs in their room to practice for his own midterm practical exam. At first, Jihoon is ready to murder Seungcheol if he was going to be another bother, but after a moment of the eldest surveying the situation, he picks up Jihoon’s laptop, places it in the crossed legs of the shorter, and pushes the wheeled chair (with Jihoon in it), out the door.
Jihoon doesn’t put his feet down to stop the chair from moving, just in case his toes get run over, but he makes sure to yell bloody murder. All Seungcheol does is shush him and explain that he had a single, and Jihoon could work there instead. Jihoon is grateful and doesn’t even threaten bodily harm when the wheels of his chair get snagged at Seungcheol’s door and he nearly falls out of the chair due to momentum. Seungcheol quietly does his readings on his bed as Jihoon works at the desk, offering opinions when prompted, and providing the pink haired man with greasy food from the 24 hour fast food joint near campus at 2:00AM. If prompted, Jihoon will deny having watched Seungcheol sleep when he heard soft snores at 4:00, but looks at the dim lighted picture that he took on his phone from time to time regardless.
vi.
When Jihoon first realises that Seungcheol might actually like him back, it is only after the elder literally tells him so--or tells Jihoon that he should date him anyways. Jihoon stares at Seungcheol in surprise as the raven haired man just smiles, his cheek cradled in his palm, as the two of them sit together in one of the library study rooms. Seungcheol goes to interlock their ankles under the table as they sit together after Jihoon mutters a quiet “okay” at his notebook and laughs in joy at his victory.
vii.
The day that Jihoon first kisses Seungcheol, he feels a rush of adrenaline after he steps away and releases the drawstrings of Seungcheol’s hoodie that he used to pull the taller down such that he could press his lips to the elder’s cheek. Jihoon has his lips pressed tight together and watches his fidgeting hands, nervously waiting for Seungcheol to react. It is probably silly of him to be so nervous about such an elementary form of affection despite their being in an established relationship for nearly a month now. None the less, Jihoon is alerted out of his thoughts when there is a soft mumbled accusation of Jihoon being too cute and the warm pressure of Seungcheol’s lips against the crown of his head. There are butterflies in Jihoon’s belly as he stutters out a goodbye as he watches Seungcheol’s broad back as the older walks to back into the train station to go to his apartment, whistling a tune, his head nodding in time to whatever song that plays from his earbuds.
viii.
The first time Seungcheol brings Jihoon to the apartment that he had moved into at the start of his fourth year and his roommate, Jeonghan had left with a promise not to return that night (and a playful warning to “be safe”, much to Jihoon’s chagrin), Seungcheol attempts to cook them dinner. They eat kimchi fried rice (both the rice and the kimchi having come from instant packets) and Jihoon laughs as Seungcheol defends the ancient culinary arts of young men who live alone without a meal plan. When the food is done and Jihoon gathers up the dishes, Seungcheol hugs the younger from behind, humming gentle tunes as he breaths his boyfriend in. When the water is turned off and Jihoon stays at the sink after the dishes are done, the pair stands for a minute before Seungcheol breaks the silence with a whispered request to kiss. Jihoon feels the need to swallow a frog but nods none the less. Rubbing his wet hands on the front of his hoodie, Jihoon turns around to face Seungcheol.
As Seungcheol brings a hand to the juncture of Jihoon’s neck and jaw, Jihoon watches Seungcheol’s tongue trace the outline of his lower lip and swallows hard, fearing he’ll mess up his first real kiss since he figured out his sexual orientation. Before he knows it, their lips touch and Jihoon’s confidence grows when he feels Seungcheol smile into the kiss. They kiss longer and deeper before Jihoon finds himself feeling dizzy and drunk on what can only be his boyfriend, hands fisted in Seungcheol’s chest and a small sigh escaping from his throat when they part.
When they kiss again, long enough for Seungcheol’s hands to move down and trace an exposed patch of smooth skin at Jihoon’s hip, where the younger’s shirt had ridden up, and for the mound in Seungcheol’s jeans to get too big to ignore. Panic fills Jihoon’s system when he feels Seungcheol’s erection and he awkwardly pushes the older man away and asks to slow down. Seungcheol looks at Jihoon with glazed over and dilated eyes but listens none the less, excusing himself to the washroom while Jihoon choses a movie.
They fall asleep, cuddled on Seungcheol’s bed as the first of the X-men trilogy plays on the laptop balanced at their feet.
ix.
The day after Jihoon and Seungcheol kiss for the first time, Jihoon decides that the idea of having sex with Seungcheol scares him. Jihoon fears that an older man is going to be more impatient to have intercourse than his high school girlfriend. Jihoon fears that he won’t be good enough that Seungcheol won’t want to be with him. Jihoon fears that Seungcheol will leave him if he ever found out about Jihoon’s sexuality. But most of all, Jihoon fears how easily he can imagine giving himself completely to Seungcheol’s wide, dark eyes at the drop of a hat and the consequences of that.
For weeks, Jihoon pushes his fears into the depths of his mind and pushes himself to slowly progress in his sexual relationship with Seungcheol. And despite constant attempts to spend time out in public, a couple of poor college students really have no choice but to stay in much of the time. By the end of their sixth month together, Jihoon masters removing himself from any present situations and can tolerate the awkward rutting of Seungcheol’s groin against his thigh and even giving a restricted handjob under the cover of the older’s pants. Unfortunately, Jihoon doesn’t realise that he is regularly removing himself while with Seungcheol until a rift has already begun to form.
x.
The day that Jihoon is convinced that he has somehow blown his cover and Seungcheol will dump him for being asexual is when the older asks him to stop as Jihoon has his mouth positioned over the straining fabric of Seungcheol’s pants. Pushing the younger up by the shoulders, Seungcheol shakes his head and announces that he doesn’t want Jihoon blowing him if the younger had never let anything be done to him.
Jihoon lets himself be pushed onto his back and squeezes his eyes shut waiting for unpleasantness of unwanted foreign weight on his crotch to come. It never does. Opening his eyes, Jihoon sees Seungcheol sitting up on the heels of his feet in between Jihoon’s legs, pursing his lips and running a hand through his hair. The older shakes his head and makes a comment that Jihoon should have broken up with him since the younger obviously didn’t want to be touched by him. Soon, Seungcheol has back on his shirt and jacket and cooly walks out of the room without a word, leaving Jihoon both upset and relieved.
xi.
The day that Jihoon decides that he can’t put off talking to Seungcheol any longer is more than a week after the incident where the older had walked out and a forgotten flannel shirt that Jihoon had taken to sleeping in had lost the scent of Seungcheol’s aftershave. Sending a text to his boyfriend (was Seungcheol still his boyfriend?), Jihoon waits impatiently throughout the entire day before Seungcheol finally replies a single worded agreement.
When Seungcheol arrives at Jihoon’s dorm that evening, the older shuffles in awkwardly and sits at the desk chair rather than throwing himself across the bed like he usually would. Jihoon decides to settle on the floor, hugging his knees tight and ignoring the sting of the cold metal of his bedframe against the bare skin of his back where his shirt rode up just a bit. The room feels so suffocating and tense that Jihoon almost doesn’t notice when Seungcheol finally speaks up and asks what changed to make him so undesirable.
Jihoon stares wide eyed at Seungcheol and asks if the older is kidding. He’s not. He also looks skeptical when Jihoon insists that he has never stopped being desirable. Seungcheol had brightened up Jihoon’s life immensely over the past couple of years and Jihoon had fallen for the elder so quickly that it was difficult for him to imagine being without Seungcheol—and so Jihoon tells him exactly that. Seungcheol’s eyes soften and Jihoon swears that he can almost see a ghost of a smile.
The air is still tense but Seungcheol has slid down to the floor, where their knees touch as they both sit cross-legged, and Jihoon feels comfortable enough to ask if Seungcheol knew what asexuality was.
Seungcheol stares at Jihoon and assumes that the younger isn’t referring to unicellular reproduction. Jihoon shakes his head with an empty laugh before explaining. Jihoon explains his lack of sexual attraction to anyone and anything. Jihoon explains the difference between a romantic and sexual orientation. When Jihoon explains that he has never wanted to have sex and the thought of it made him sick, Seungcheol has panic in his eyes before being assured that even if little was enjoyed, everything they had done was technically consensual. Most importantly, Jihoon explains that he loves Seungcheol and the older is left speechless at the four letter word that is uttered for the first time in their relationship.
Jihoon continues speaking; talking about how there won’t be any hard feelings if Seungcheol leaves and apologies for hiding things, but Seungcheol doesn’t hear any of it because all he has to say is that he loves Jihoon. Choi Seungcheol loves Lee Jihoon and it doesn’t matter if his dick falls off from lack of use or if he ends up building the most extensive personal sex toy collection in the world because as long as Jihoon wants him, he wants Jihoon for his heart, brain, and soul. They could figure it out.
xii.
The day that Jihoon believes himself to be the luckiest man on earth, he wakes up in the tight embrace of his snoring partner, no longer needing to worry about faking things to be accepted.